Latest / Divorce Coaches Academy / Navigating Divorce Conflict: The Skills That Change What Happens Next
Transcript
- Tracy Callahan: Welcome back to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. I'm Tracy, and today I want to talk about something that sits at the center of our work as divorce coaches, helping people develop the skills to navigate conflict. Duh. Because there's a sentence we hear in different forms all the time, right? I know I need to handle this differently. I just don't know how. Sometimes it sounds like I know I shouldn't send that email. Sometimes it's I don't want the children caught in the middle. And sometimes it's I went into that conversation determined to stay focused. And 10 minutes later we were arguing about something that happened 12 years ago. Which, might I add, is an impressive amount of travel for a conversation that began with a school pickup. But underneath the frustration, there is often a very important opening. The person recognizes that what they are doing is not helping them get where they want to go. They may even have a clear idea of the kind of parent, decision maker, communicator they want to be. But what they don't yet have is a reliable way to put that intention into practice when things become difficult. That is where skill development matters. We and most divorced professionals ask a great deal people going through divorce. Be reasonable, don't react, communicate clearly, make informed decisions, think about the children, set boundaries, don't respond to every provocation. And certainly those may be useful goals. But if we leave people there, we have essentially handed them a destination without directions. And then we become frustrated when they don't arrive. So today I want to look at what those directions can involve. How do we help a client move from understanding a concept to using it? How do we support the development of judgment rather than simply helping someone produce a better email? And how do we do that while staying clear about our scope and role as divorce coaches? Because the professional value of divorce coaching becomes much more visible when we can explain what a client is learning, where they can apply it, and how it supports their participation in the divorce process. Yeah. All right. So let's start with a distinction that sounds obvious until we watch it play out. Understanding something and being able to do it under pressure are different achievements. A client may understand that responding immediately while angry has created problems before. They may agree that a shorter message would be more useful. They may recognize that the other person is unlikely to respond well to accusations. And then the next message arrives. And all of that understanding is suddenly competing with hurt, fear, urgency, and the need to correct the record. We should take that seriously. It tells us something about where the work needs to happen. If the client can explain the principle but cannot yet use it in the moment, another explanation may only take us so far. We need to help them practice the behavior, anticipate the conditions that make it difficult, and create a way to recover when they get pulled off course. Think about what we mean when we say communicate more effectively. That can involve several, several separate skills. Right? Recognizing the purpose of a message, identifying the question that actually requires a response, separating a request from an accusation, choosing a useful amount of information, deciding when to respond, knowing when the conversation needs another process. That's a lot of work inside three words. The same is true for quote unquote set boundaries. A client may be very clear about what they want the other person to stop doing. They may be much less clear about what action they themselves can take, what is realistic in their circumstances, and what professional guidance they may need before taking it. Our job is to make the work specific enough to practice. So instead of asking only how can you communicate better, we might ask, when you receive a message with an accusation and a scheduling question, how will you decide what to answer? Instead of asking only, how can you stay calm? We might ask, what will help you notice that you are about to respond before you have identified what It is you need. Those questions give us something concrete to work on. And they allow us to recognize progress that might otherwise be missed. A client who still feels angry but takes time to identify the actual decision may be demonstrating a meaningful new skill. We don't need them to become delighted by the divorce process. That would be a rather ambitious outcome. But we do need to help them participate with greater awareness and more usable choices. So, the first skill I want to talk about is the ability to create a little space between receiving something difficult and deciding what to do about it. Notice that I'm saying a little space. We're not asking someone to become a completely different person. By Thursday. So I want you to consider a hypothetical client who receives this message. Once again, you made a decision without talking to me. You clearly don't care what I think, what time is the appointment? Now, there's a practical question in there. There's also an accusation that may feel impossible to leave unanswered. The client Begins typing, first of all, I told you about this last week. And if you bothered to read your messages, so we can all see where that's gonna go. But the client may experience that response as necessary self-defense. If we simply say, don't engage, we may miss what makes engaging feel so important. And that's important. So we slow the moment down. What happened when you read the message? What felt threatening or unfair? What did you feel you needed to establish immediately? And what needs to happen about the appointment? The client might say, if I don't correct it, they'll keep saying I excluded them. Now we have something useful. We understand the concern that's driving that response. And we can certainly acknowledge that concern while helping the client choose how to address it. Perhaps they need to provide the appointment time and refer to the earlier notice. Perhaps there's a larger communication issue to discuss. Perhaps the accusation does not require an answer in this exchange. The point is here is that the client has begun to choose. A pause can be practical. Put that draft somewhere other than the message window. Read it out loud. Write down the question being asked. Step away briefly when timing permits. Use an agreed communication routine if one exists. We also have to understand the circumstances. A time-sensitive matter requires a different response than a routine disagreement. And where there are threats, coercion, or safety concerns, our work must account for those concerns and appropriate professional support. We should never assume that a more carefully worded message makes every interaction safe. But in the situations where a pause is available, we can help the client build a repeatable process. Recognize the reaction, identify the purpose, choose the intention and next action. That process gives emotion a place without allowing it to make every decision. So the next skill is being able to distinguish what happened from the meaning we have attached to it. Yep, the story we tell ourselves. And this requires certainly a tremendous amount of care. A client's history matters. If someone has repeatedly experienced broken commitments, dismissive communication, or intimidation, we cannot casually wave that away and say maybe you're reading into it. That would be a poor way to build trust and even a poorer way to understand the client's situation. At the same time, history can make a new event feel like a complete explanation of someone else's intentions before we have examined the information in front of us. That's called limiting beliefs. Let's use a simple example. A parent requests a change to an exchange time. The other parent says they're trying to control my weekend. That might reflect a larger pattern. It might also be an interpretation of this particular request. We need to know what was requested, what the existing arrangement says, and what impact the change would have. What decision the client needs to make? We can ask: what do we know from the message? What are you drawing on from previous experience? What remains uncertain? What would help you evaluate the request? Those questions help the client organize information without requiring them to abandon their experience. Suppose the message asks for an exchange 30 minutes later because of a work meeting. The client may reasonably want to know whether this is a one-time change, whether it creates a childcare problem, and whether a reciprocal adjustment is needed. That is a workable conversation. But if the entire response is built around proving the other parent is controlling, the scheduling question can disappear underneath the argument about motives. As divorce coaches, we can help clients notice that shift. We began with a request about 30 minutes. Now we are about preparing a message regarding the whole relationship. Which issue are you trying to address today? That is a very different intervention from telling someone they are overreacting. It gives them a chance to consider whether the response fits the problem. Sometimes further information will confirm a concern. Sometimes it will change the client's understanding. Sometimes uncertainty will remain and they will need to decide without knowing the other person's true motive. That last one is especially important because people can spend an enormous amount of time trying to secure certainty about why someone did something. In many situations, they can still make a sound decision by examining the request, the consequences, and the options available to them. And we can help them practice that. What information is necessary for this decision? What information would be interesting, but wouldn't change it? What are we trying to prove? And what are we trying to accomplish? Those questions can bring a client back to more solid ground. Okay, so once we've slowed the response and examined the information and the story, the next task is identifying the problem in terms that allow us to do something with it. This is called recognizing conflict. Clients often arrive with statements such as, they never respect me, or everything has to be on their terms, or I can't keep living like this. Those statements tell us something important about the client's experience and we need to hear them. But they may not yet tell us what needs to be decided or changed. So we help the client move into detail and discovery. What happened most recently? What impact did it have? What needs attention now? What would a workable arrangement address? Imagine a client says my co-parent is completely irresponsible about the children's activities. As we explore it, we learn that notices are arriving late, equipment is moving between homes inconsistently, and both parents have assumed the other is handling transportation. Now, now we have several specific issues. We can help the client consider a proposal for sharing information. An equipment routine and a clear transportation arrangement. Whether those proposals can be adopted and through what process depends on the circumstances. But the client can surely prepare something another person can actually evaluate. Be responsible is difficult to implement. Confirm transportation by Wednesday at six? Yeah, much easier to understand. We need to avoid moving too quickly here though, because if we jump straight from the complaint to a solution, we may design a very tidy system for the wrong problem. Perhaps the central issue is cost. Perhaps it is an activity scheduling during the other parents' time. Perhaps a client has agreed to something they cannot sustain. Skill development includes learning to define the problem. Before trying to solve it. Recognize the conflict. This applies beyond parenting. A client may say, I just want a fair settlement. Well, we can certainly help them explore what concerns that word contains. Is it about housing stability, access to financial information, an affordable monthly budget, predictability, recognition of something they contributed? The divorce coach does not determine legal entitlement or supply financial conclusions. Yet we can help the client articulate the questions, organize the information, and prepare to work with the professionals whose guidance is needed. And we can help them notice when several problems have been bundled together into one demand. Sometimes a person is asking a settlement proposal to resolve financial uncertainty, restore dignity, and produce an apology. Whoa, that's a considerable workload for a spreadsheet. Separating those concerns helps the client consider what each one requires. Some can be addressed through negotiation. Some need information or specialist advice. Some may need a different kind of support altogether. So now let's turn to communication because this is where many clients want immediate help. Right? They bring us an email and they ask, can you make this sound better? Or what should I say? And of course, there may be useful work to do with that email. But we also have an opportunity to help them understand how to evaluate their own communication. Yep, reflect and assess. Before editing, ask what the message needs to accomplish. Is the client sharing information, asking a question, making a proposal, confirming an arrangement, raising a concern that requires professional attention? If the purpose is unclear, improving the tone may produce a very polite message that still goes nowhere. I just recently spoke about this in using AI. I want you to take this hypothetical draft. You always leave everything to the last minute. I have asked you repeatedly to respect my schedule, but apparently your time is the only time that matters. I need to know by Friday. The practical need here is buried at the end. What does the client need to know about Friday? Who's collecting the children? At what time? When is the answer needed? So we might help the client develop this. Please confirm whether you can collect the children from school on Friday. I need to finalize transportation by Wednesday at five. If you are unavailable, please let me know by then. Now the recipient can identify the request and respond to it. And please, please, please. This doesn't promise cooperation. It does make the client's communication more usable though. And if a response doesn't arrive, the client can more clearly identify what remains unresolved and consider the appropriate next step. There's also a question worth asking. What are you hoping the accusation will do? Sometimes the client hopes it'll make the other person recognize the burden they have created. Okay, that desire deserves acknowledgement. Then we in our work can explore whether this particular message is likely to accomplish that and whether the need to be heard is interfering with the immediate request. We do not have to shame someone out of wanting acknowledgement. We can help them decide how much of that work belongs in a transportation email though. In practice, I would have the client identify the purpose, mark the sentences that support it, and consider the sentences that create another conversation. Then I would ask them to revise it themselves before we review it together. Mm-hmm. That last step matters. The client gets to practice making the judgment. Over time, they may begin to hear the difference between a clear request and an argument wearing a question mark. All right, and we also know that communication alone cannot carry this work. Clients also need to develop their capacity to evaluate options. Divorce decisions can involve competing concerns. A person wants closure and also needs more information. They want stability and also need flexibility. They want to retain something important and may need to examine whether it is sustainable. Our role is to support that examination without taking ownership of the decision. Yes, no ownership. Consider a client who says, I'm keeping the house. There is no other option. We can explore what the house represents, familiarity for the children. Connection to a community, privacy, identity, a sense of continuity, perhaps a deeply personal attachment. Those concerns matter. Then we can help the client prepare questions about expenses, maintenance, financing, and the advice they need to evaluate feasibility. We can also help them consider whether other arrangements might address some of the same concerns. The conversation, of course, requires sensitivity. A person may hear exploration as pressure to give up something important. We need to explain why we are asking and check our own assumptions. We should not have a preferred answer hiding behind our questions. I tell new coaches this all the time. What is the intention of the question? Because the skill we are supporting is the ability to examine a choice. against relevant information and priorities. What does this option address? What does it leave unresolved? What would it require? What are the likely trade-offs? What guidance is needed? What happens if no agreement is reached? The client can bring legal questions to their attorney and financial questions to an appropriately qualified financial professional. We, though, can help them organize those questions and and integrate the information into their own deliberation. We can also help them prepare for negotiation. What matters most? Where is there room to consider alternatives? What information must be available before they can responsibly decide? What would tell them they need a break or further advice? Preparation becomes more meaningful when the client has rehearsed how they'll use it. Suppose a proposal is made that sounds attractive but contains unfamiliar language. Can they ask for clarification? Can they say they need advice before responding? Can they hold uncertainty without immediately agreeing or rejecting? These are practical skills. They support informed participation and they are useful even when an agreement is not reached. Across all of these skills, one question keeps coming back. How does the client learn to use this when they are not sitting besides us, divorce coaches? Because a thoughtful conversation in a coaching session is just the beginning. We need to consider what happens when the next difficult moment arrives. That is where practice comes in. We can take a hypothetical message and ask the client to walk through the response. We can rehearse how they will raise a concern with their attorney. We can help them prepare a question for mediation and say it out loud. Then we can change a condition. What if the other person disagrees? What if the reply includes a personal criticism? What if the client doesn't receive an answer? What if they discover they don't have enough information? The purpose here is for us to help them identify choices under realistic conditions. We should never use a rehearsal to pressure a client into an interaction that is inappropriate or unsafe. And we can keep the practice small. One skill, one situation, one opportunity to try it. An example, right? A client might decide that before answering routine scheduling messages this week, they will write one sentence identifying that practical question. That is a manageable practice. Next time, we can explore what they noticed and where the process became difficult. Reflect and assess. Review matters as much as preparation. How did it go? May bring us a long account of what the other person did. We can listen and then ask about the client's own experience. Where did they use the skill? What helped? What got in the way? What would they adjust? If they sent the reactive message, anyways, we still have useful information. Perhaps the pause was unrealistic. Perhaps they didn't recognize the trigger until afterwards. Perhaps the situation required support beyond what we had planned. We can examine it without turning the session into a performance review of someone's worst day. Progress may look like noticing sooner, recovering sooner, asking a more clear question, taking a concern to the right professional. Recognizing that a conversation has stopped being productive and using an appropriate next step. Those changes may seem small, but they tell us the client is developing capacity. And capacity is something they can carry into their next decision and their next conflict. This approach also asks something of us. We As professionals, have to resist the temptation to become the person with the perfect response to everything. It can feel helpful to rewrite every message, interpret every interaction, and tell the client what to do next. We don't tell clients what to do. But we need to ask whether the client is learning, learning how to make those judgments, and whether our involvement is staying within our role. Supporting an individual through conflict differs from serving as a facilitator between parties. In coaching, we can help that client examine their own choices, prepare for a process, and communicate their concerns. We are not quietly taking on authority to resolve the dispute for everyone involved. We also need to be careful about certainty. We usually have one person's account. We can take their experience seriously without claiming to know the other person's motives or intentions or making diagnoses from a collection of messages. And we need to know when further expertise is required. A client may need legal advice, a financial analysis, some mental health support, or specialized safety resources. Competent divorce coaching includes recognizing those needs and supporting appropriate referral and collaboration. For me, the professional question is super concrete. Can we explain the skill we are helping the client develop? Can we describe how we're supporting it? Can we identify the limits of our role? And can we recognize when another kind of help may be needed? That gives us substance to our work. It helps us move beyond broad promises about empowerment or a better divorce experience and describe what it is actually we do. We help people prepare questions, examine assumptions, organize concerns, rehearse communication, evaluate options with appropriate guidance, reflect on their decisions, develop ways to participate more deliberately. In difficult situations. Yeah, that's called develop conflict competency. There is considerable professional responsibility in that work, and it deserves preparation, continuing professional development, and thoughtful review of our own practice. So as we close, I want to come back to the person who says, I know I need to handle this differently. I just don't know how, sorry. There's something hopeful in that sentence. It gives us a place to begin. We don't need to hand them every scale at once. We can identify the moment that keeps becoming difficult and help them develop one more usable choice within it. Maybe they learn to find the question inside a challenging message. Maybe they learn to distinguish a concern from a conclusion. Maybe they learn to ask for information before making a decision. Maybe they learn to prepare for a conversation that they have been avoiding. Their circumstances may absolutely remain difficult. The other party may continue to behave in ways they cannot change. Skill development does not make someone responsible for another person's conduct. And it certainly cannot guarantee cooperation or agreement. But it sure as hell can help the client become more deliberate about their own participation and clearer about the support they need. For those of us doing this work, I want to leave you with a question to bring into your next session. What is this client learning? That they will be able to use again. Sit with that for a moment. If we are helping with an email, what judgment are they practicing? If we are helping prepare for mediation, what will help them participate? If we are exploring a recurring conflict, what can they recognize or do differently for the next time it appears? Those questions keep our attention on the persons developing. Capacity, and that is a meaningful contribution to the divorce process. Helping someone become better prepared to engage with a hard decision, helping them communicate a need more clearly, helping them understand where they have choices and where they may need advice. Good intentions give us a starting point. Practice gives those intentions somewhere to go. I want to thank you so much for joining me today. If this conversation speaks to the work you are doing, please share it with a colleague and consider which skill you want to bring more intentionally into your practice as a dispute resolution specialist. I'm Tracy and this is Divorce Coaches Academy Podcast. Please keep building the skills that help people navigate conflict and make difficult decisions with greater clarity and less harm. I'll see you next time.