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From Heartbreak to Power: Navigating Divorce’s Emotional Roadmap · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real and powerful.
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No filters, no limits. Just fearless conversations to help you thrive.
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Let's dive in with Diva Mia.
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Well, hello, everybody. This is Diva Mia.
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I hope you've had a wonderful week. If you would like to be a guest at the Diva
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Details, you're welcome to send me a message, and you might be a guest on our show. So here we go.
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Today we're going to cover healing from divorce.
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It's important to cover this in detail in a way that helps other people heal.
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I think that we will start off talking a little bit about the grief process.
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The grief process is a little tricky. It can be an emotional roller coaster for some people.
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So when you grieve after a divorce, you're going through grief almost as if
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it was the death of a spouse.
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There's a lot of denial at first. The first thing that happens when you go through
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a divorce is you deny that it's happening to you.
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You may go to bed at night, you wake up in the morning, and you're like,
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my gosh, did that actually happen?
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I think that everybody goes through the stages at their own pace,
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some people faster than others, but I think all the stages get covered.
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It may be that you're in denial for a week, two weeks. It may be that you're
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in denial for months, but the denial stages is challenging.
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When you go through denial, your reality, it just shifts and you have to recognize
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that you're no longer a part of that couple.
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The longer you were married before you got divorced, sometimes the stages affect you more.
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Some people were married for only a few years and it takes them a long time
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to recover from the divorce.
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Just like if it was the death of a spouse, there's a denial stage.
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The denial stage, it's rough.
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If you can get support during the denial stage, that's the best time to get
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it because denial is typically the first stage for everyone.
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A lot of people will not go and get help. It's the most important thing that
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you can do. If you weren't the one that decided or maybe you were cheated on,
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there was some betrayal, etc..
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This is going to be rough for you to get through and you're going to have to get some help.
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A lot of people think that they can go at it alone. This is one time in your
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life that the rug's going to be pulled out from underneath you for a lot of you.
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Some of you may be excited, some
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of you may be happy, but there's still a little bit of a denial stage.
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So this is the best time to go through and get some therapy.
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Now, we did have a divorce coach on here and the divorce coach is very helpful.
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She can help you as far as taking you from where you are to where you want to
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be. There's other coaches for men as well.
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Divorce coaching is great, but you may also want a therapist because a lot of
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times we're in marriages that maybe weren't the right relationship for us.
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We need to analyze why we got there so we don't go there again.
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Getting a therapist is also very beneficial.
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Then I've also talked about maybe energy healers because your energy healer
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can help you just your flow better. It's self-care.
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It's trying to actually work on your space
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and make sure you feel good now and that you
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can self-regulate your nervous system because
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your nervous system may be a wreck you've got to you've
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got to be able to talk about your feelings to someone and here's the thing
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a lot of people say i'm not i'm not going to get a therapist i'll just
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talk to my friends or my hairdresser or my coach or my personal trainer but
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the problem is they're not really trained to handle that and they might lead
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you astray you're gonna have to pay for some therapy and you're gonna have to
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pay for some coaching especially if you truly want to heal There's a lot of
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people that don't heal and they don't do the work.
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And if you don't do the work, you're going to be in the same exact position
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next year as you are right now. And you don't want that.
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Some people, they, you know, they just hope it'll go away and time will heal
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all things, as people say. But I will tell you that time doesn't.
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Time just delays the pain. I've met people that were divorced for six years,
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eight years, and they're still stuck in their rut.
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They are still stuck in the grieving process, never got out,
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never healed, still blaming their ex. for everything.
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And they haven't moved past the past. And when you get stuck in your past, you can't heal.
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You can't move into the future. Part of healing is also taking accountability
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for your part in the divorce.
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When you meet a man on a date and you listen to them talk and they say,
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yes, my ex was terrible. They did this, this, and this.
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But I was so great. They haven't healed.
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Men that complain about women nonstop, they haven't healed either.
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Because men, you have a part in this no matter what. Even if the ex cheated
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on you, you still had a hand.
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It may be that you saw signs and you ignore them or, you know, you picked wrong.
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What made you pick the wrong person to get married to?
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There's no excuse for cheating in any relationship ever. If a person does that,
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that says more about their character and their ethics and values than anything.
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What I'm saying is that in order for you to heal, you have to let it go.
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You have to move on and you have to love yourself enough to forgive yourself,
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not just the other person.
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Forgiving the other person is important, but you've got to forgive yourself
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in order to move on. That's a process.
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I think that's the hardest part is forgiving yourself for choosing wrong,
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for selecting the wrong person.
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Etc. It takes work.
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Anger is the next stage. Now, some people stay angry for a really long time.
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I think I went right over this stage. I didn't have a lot of anger. I was a little angry.
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I was a little bitter, but it was very early on. I went through denial in like
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a week or two, and then I went through anger.
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And by the time I was actually divorced within a 60-day timeframe, my anger was gone.
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My anger left, went through denial and anger and even bargaining a little bit in 60 days.
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So in 60 days, I did anger, denial and bargaining.
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My friend even took me to a rage room and I didn't have any anger.
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Anger can last for some people for a very long time and others.
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I'm not an angry person. It went through very fast for me, but some people,
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they hold on to that anger and rage. It may go dark for them for a while.
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The quicker you can let that go, the faster. I think I only,
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I think I was only angry for a couple of weeks. I let it go.
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But then the bargaining counts.
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The bargaining stage is where you're wondering to yourself, could I have done
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something different to make them stay?
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Could I have done something different to be a better husband or a better wife?
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And you bargain with yourself. But my bargaining was just thinking about,
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was there anything I could have done differently to change the situation?
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You bargain with yourself and you try to overanalyze and predict if there was
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something. This stage can last. Thank you.
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It doesn't last for everybody. Some people just move right through it,
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but it can also last and you can self-evaluate for a very long time.
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But I think that's actually a healthy thing.
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I think that, you know, evaluating, okay, could I have done anything better?
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It also brings up things of the past of, wow, I put up with a lot of stuff I shouldn't have.
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But that's a real self-realization stage when you're going through this.
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And people go through a depression stage a lot of times.
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And the depression stage is where you just kind of go numb.
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And I don't know if everybody goes into depression. I think going numb is actually
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an okay thing if you really self-reflect.
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But the depression is where you just don't want to do a lot.
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You lose yourself. Now, some people get lost for years upon years upon years
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during the depression stage. They don't want to get out of bed.
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They don't want to function.
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They don't want to date anyone. They don't want to get out there and live.
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Depression stage is a real thing. Some people, their depression stage is delayed.
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The reason it's delayed is because what happens with a lot of people is when
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they get out of a divorce,
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they throw themselves into work or they throw themselves into serving other
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people or they throw themselves into hobbies or working out or whatever.
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And they do this in order to avoid the pain. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't work out.
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I definitely, I love working out. But you shouldn't do it to an extreme that
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you're avoiding the internal work.
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You shouldn't be going and volunteering all your time because you're avoiding looking within.
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And a lot of people do this. They avoid looking within and it delays the healing.
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When that happens, after you get to a point where you take a pause and you actually
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look within because it always comes, you might go into severe depression.
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I recommend you go through the depression or the numbing stage as quickly as
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possible because the longer you're in it, some people get into severe depression.
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But if you can just go numb and look inside, figure out what you want to do,
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who you want to be, and how you can heal and let the feelings out during the
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depression stages, let them all out, release them. You'll go through it much quicker.
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But remember, if you see somebody that came out of a divorce and they're at
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the gym like six hours a day, or all they do is volunteer their time,
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or they act so happy, but they're, you know, it's kind of odd.
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They're probably being an avoidant of looking inward and going through the depression
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stage because everybody doesn't. But the faster you get to it early on,
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I think the less painful it is, too.
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Because if you wait a year or two and you distract yourself,
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it's almost like the pain gets bigger.
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I think anytime you distract yourself from feeling the feelings you need to
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be, they can just it becomes like a cancer or swells up inside you.
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So get rid of that depression stage as soon as possible. And then once you're
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through the depression stage, you actually get to move on to acceptance.
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Acceptance is wonderful. Acceptance is a stage where you get to realize it's over.
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This is also the stage where you typically forgive the other person.
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It is the best part of the healing, but you also need to forgive yourself.
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I think for me, I forgave my spouse and his mistress a long time ago.
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I didn't forget, but I forgave and I let it go.
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However, I think for me, forgiving myself for, I think of myself as a smart
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person, not seeing signs earlier and things like that, and not leaving a relationship
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before it got to this point, and putting up with things I shouldn't have put up with.
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Those are things that took me a while to forgive and myself.
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I think once I got to the point where I actually forgave myself.
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That's where the real growth came. I was stuck. I was accepting.
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I was kind of actually happy the divorce was over. But at the same time,
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I had difficulty forgiving myself.
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I think I'm tougher on myself than I should be sometimes.
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And, you know, sometimes it's good for business to be tough on yourself,
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but it's not so good when you're trying to forgive yourself.
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So just remember to forgive yourself because forgiveness is extremely important.
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When we go through a divorce that we have to realize this is grieving.
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It is just like healing from a death. So the same steps happen if you lose a spouse.
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The difference is the person still exists. which makes recovery sometimes take longer.
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Because if you're in an area where you see the person often,
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maybe you're in a small town and you see them over and over again,
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that will complicate your recovery.
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If you have kids, it can slow down your recovery.
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Because if you're seeing the person every other week and they cheated on you,
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it's almost like reopening a wound every time you see them.
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Or if you see them and they're picking up your kids with the person that they
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cheated with, oh my gosh, I can't even imagine.
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That would be like taking a knife in your back and twisting it.
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That is a rough thing to go through.
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So you definitely need to get help with this. You definitely need to get some
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type of therapist or divorce recovery coach or something.
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You really need to work on it. You need to find the right one.
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You need to find someone that's open, that's empathetic, that handles a lot
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of people that go through divorce.
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You're just going to have to realize you were in a bad relationship.
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It didn't work out the way you expected it to.
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But hopefully you can learn some lessons from it and grow and grow from it.
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I mean, life is about lessons and life is about learning.
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But you got to go through it to grow through it, as I say. I think that healing
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from divorce is sometimes very complicated, even more so than healing from a
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death. So you just have to understand that newly divorced people is a new world.
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If you're trying to throw yourself out there into dating in order to get over
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the last person, that's just going to open you up to pain.
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I remember when I was going through the divorce and I got divorced,
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it was like I did it so quickly that I took a breath at the end.
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And the first thing I wanted to do was distract myself.
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I wanted to go out there and date a lot and do some things on those dates.
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Mentally, I couldn't do it because it's just not my personality,
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but I was hurting and I thought it would make me feel better.
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Then I got terrified because I was like, I can't sleep with another man because
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I'm afraid I was going to cry.
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So I had to go through that. I was like, I was so traumatized that I was like,
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how am I going to be with somebody else after being with one person for 28 years?
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It's a very big adjustment for people to make. So realize throwing yourself
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out there into another relationship and sleeping with someone else just to get
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over your divorce is not really a good way to go. You got to look inward.
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Don't distract yourself with people, with hobbies, with charity,
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with work, with anything, because the distraction will just make the pain worse.
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I really think you need the coach. Coaching is wonderful.
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The therapy will help you make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes in the
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future and by analyzing your past. but the coach will make sure you get over
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what you're going through right now, as well as the energy healer.
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The energy healer just smooths out your vibration, if you will.
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You can manifest emotionally and physically. So if you don't heal these wounds,
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you can get a health issue. You can get an autoimmune.
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You can get cancer. These wounds, they stick around.
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If you're not going through and getting help, you may have a problem.
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It can create a physical problem, not just a mental health problem,
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and not just an emotional problem.
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Something like 60% of the divorces happen due to infidelity,
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although most people say that it's probably even higher than that.
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Because typically when somebody starts detaching from a spouse,
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they've already attached to someone else.
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They were flirting with somebody at first, or they were talking to them in ways they shouldn't have.
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When they start doing that, the natural progression of your mind is to start
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detaching from the person that you're with.
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When that starts to occur, you may be emotionally cheating before you're actually
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physically cheating. The emotional cheating helps you detach from your current spouse or partner.
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When that happens, it's going to change and shift what's going on.
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And if you're the one that got cheated on, it actually causes trauma.
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The trauma is an experience that when people go through it, some say it's worse
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than death. Some people say it's like a million razor blades on your body.
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Every little part hurts and you don't know how to handle it.
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You don't know how to recover from it. Again, why therapy is so important,
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because it has this huge neurological impact.
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People compare it to grief of a widowhood, but it's worse because the person
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that you trusted violated all your trust.
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The person that vowed to love you forever violated all that trust.
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So there's a lot of shame that goes along with it.
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Not just the person that cheated, but the person that gets cheated on. They're embarrassed.
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They can't believe that someone else cheated on. They look inside.
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Was I not good enough in bed? Was I not nice enough? Was I not this?
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And honestly, it wasn't you. because the people that cheat, they tend to have
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a propensity for cheating, for lying, for stealing.
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They tend to have an ethical, a gray area when it comes to ethics,
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morals, and values. So it's not you.
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They're not, if they cheated on you, they're probably gonna cheat on the person
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they left you for. So they're just cheaters.
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That's just who they are. But we, as the ones that get cheated on,
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and since I got cheated, I can say the same, we do carry a little bit of shame
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at first because we're embarrassed.
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We can't believe they did what they did. And then what tends to happen is the
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person that cheated on you makes up all kinds of stories about you and just
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to make himself or herself look better.
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So then you have rage and you get angry and it makes you so mad because the
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person that cheated on you just makes up stories and lies about you.
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Well, here you go. If they were willing to cheat on you, what makes you think
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they're not willing to lie about you?
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It's just who they are. So realize cheaters are also liars and they go around
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and they tend to tell stories to whomever will listen.
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The people that will listen to a person that cheated and a person that lies.
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Then they're probably not the type of people I want to be hanging out with anyway,
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because they're gullible.
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If they don't know me for my character, then they just don't really know me.
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I obviously wasn't close enough to them, so I just let those people go too.
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So don't take it too deeply or don't be too concerned with the people that the
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cheater lies to about you Because if they don't know who you are,
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that's okay If they want to listen to a cheater and a liar, that's okay, too Just let them go.
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Let them be don't worry about it You got more things to worry about you got
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to take care of you right now You got to take care of your health You got to
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have just three or four people around you that support you That's all you need
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and that support system will be helpful even though you're still going to go get therapy,
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but you need that support system to get through.
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So don't worry about the shame. I don't care what other people think.
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Don't worry about what other people say because if they're lying about you,
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they just are liars. It's okay.
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You know who you are. You know your value.
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You know your worth. You know you're a good person.
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So let it go. After that, so after you get through the shame and the rage,
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the trust issue is a big one.
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You're going to not trust people for a while.
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You're probably only going to want to have two or three people that you really trust around you.
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Now, make sure these people are really empathetic people, but empathy has its
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limits because if all you do is cry and talk about your divorce forever to them,
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they're going to feel like they're your therapist.
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So work that out with your therapist and have them there as a backup when you
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need them for a little bit of support.
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But the trust issue is huge. You're looking at people and you're like,
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how do I know this person's not going to violate my trust as well.
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Now, if you start dating too soon, I think the distrust will reel its head a
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lot earlier because for me, when I was dating, I didn't trust anyone.
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I probably should have waited until at least six months after my divorce,
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maybe a year, but I went out probably three months and did a couple of dates
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and I didn't trust anyone.
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So by the time I read six to nine months, actually about nine months after my
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divorce, I went out with an ex that I had dated previously.
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You know, it was healing in some ways because it allowed me to open myself,
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to someone I had been with before and trust them.
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That was nice because I think I was missing a huge part in my soul of being able to trust people.
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Heck, even being able to trust myself. I mean, he was a gracious man and understood
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what I was going through and he was just so sweet.
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So being able to trust is baby steps.
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It takes you a while to get back into it. Now I feel like I could trust a person
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again because not everyone is your ex.
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And there's some really, really solid, good people out there.
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But it's baby steps, especially if you've been married more than once,
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because some people are married two, three, four times. They might have been
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cheated on in every marriage.
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That you need to work on your therapist to why you're picking the same type
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of people that are willing to cheat.
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Because honestly, we do have accountability in that part, right?
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Because we pick the ones that maybe aren't the most honest and ethical.
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Then you also may have some body image issues. If you've been married for a
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long time, you're like, oh crap, I need to nip and tuck here.
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I need to lose some weight or I need to take an extra 30 pounds off.
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You need to work on your health and physical because what happens is when you
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go out there and if you're dating and you're wanting to be intimate with somebody,
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you're not going to want to be intimate until you get your body image issues fixed.
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So realize that's part of the aftermath of the divorce. You got to work through that.
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Once you get that worked out, then you can actually heal as well.
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The emotional healing is so very important, especially if there was infidelity.
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Because I think as women, we're like, was I just not cute enough?
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Was I just not fun enough? Was I just not sweet enough? And we beat ourselves up so much.
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And the reality is you got to let it go. Because you know what? You were enough.
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You were enough. And you put up with probably more than you should have.
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Because a lot of times the people that cheat were also verbally abusive before
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they actually cheated, because they were probably already emotionally checked out.
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So when they emotionally check out, they turn into verbally abusive partners.
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To see if they can push you away because they're already cheating.
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So when people are verbally abusive like that, then we get defensive and we're
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like questioning our sanity.
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And then we realized later on, we realized they were cheating.
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It wasn't you. It wasn't you physically.
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It wasn't your personality. It just was because that's who they are.
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They felt like they needed something or someone else to give them supply or power or whatever it is.
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And here's the thing, ladies, These men that cheat, they don't typically cheat
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with somebody better looking.
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Sometimes they do, but usually they cheat with somebody not so good looking,
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someone that they can lord over, be king over.
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If men need that feeling of superiority and they're just not getting it at home
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because at home, you're trying to run a tight ship and take care of the kids
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and everything else, sometimes they go out because of that. They need to lord
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or feel like they're king.
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They tend to get someone less intelligent or less good looking.
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That's just, it makes them feel superior.
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Let them go. If that's what they need, let them go. Let them go.
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The next thing is, you know, you got to realize that there's going to be huge
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ripple effect, especially if there's an infidelity.
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There's going to be a ripple effect in the family. There's going to be a ripple
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effect in the children. I mean, the children.
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I mean, when people cheat and it gets out, it can devastate children.
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It always gets out. I mean, look at the Coldplay concert.
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I mean, that went worldwide in a night. We talk about the spouse that just got
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slapped in the face with, hey, your husband's cheating on you and it's the world news.
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But what about the children who now have to go to school and get teased about
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their father or their mother cheating?
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That really affects their self-esteem. They're going to have abandonment issues,
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even if the other partner's around, because basically when a partner cheats,
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they're not just cheating on the spouse, they're cheating on the kids too.
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And I know this may, it may cut, but it's true because they're taking time away
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from their children to go have an affair with.
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With someone else. So instead of spending their time with their children,
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they go have an affair and skip out on the kids. I know my ex did.
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The kids were around. He hadn't seen the kids for a while, and he took off to
22:46
have an affair and then said it was work, but he left so he could go sleep around.
22:51
He hadn't seen me for a while either because he was already checked out.
22:54
He's taking time away from his children to be with someone else,
22:57
and it will affect their self-esteem. So just realize that you may need to get
23:02
your children into therapy or listen to them extra.
23:06
Now, I will say, don't baby them too much. And I was a little guilty of this
23:09
in the beginning is I really dove in to give them extra support.
23:13
And I even let my youngest sleep in my bed for a really long time just to help
23:17
them get over his abandonment issues.
23:19
But in the long run, they need to learn how to self-regulate too.
23:23
Part of life is learning how to self-regulate your nervous system.
23:25
Because if you don't, when you become an adult, let's say you're spoiled your
23:29
whole life or everybody does everything for you.
23:31
By the time you become an adult, you can't handle the real world because the
23:35
real world's a little tough.
23:36
You're going to have stuff come at you that you weren't expecting.
23:39
If you can't self-regulate your nervous system, you're not going to know how to behave.
23:43
And that's how mental disorders start. You may snap.
23:46
So or you need a safe space like they they keep telling these college kids you
23:50
need a safe space. No, there's no safe spaces in the real world.
23:54
OK, this is just life. So learn to self-regulate and adjust and become more
23:59
adaptive and resilient when things happen. That's part of life.
24:03
I will tell you, going through a divorce, and I know I'm smiling,
24:08
but going through a divorce will make you very adaptive. It will make you very
24:12
resilient, stronger than you've ever been.
24:14
It's an amazing journey. It's a tough journey. But when you come out the other
24:18
side and you rediscover who you are and remember, and I'm going to say remember
24:24
your self-worth, because you've always had self-worth.
24:27
You remember your self-worth. You remember who you are as a person.
24:31
You're going to feel blessed that you came through it on the other side and
24:36
you get back to who you are.
24:38
It's going to be an amazing journey that you should be grateful for.
24:41
I know it might be tough if you're at the beginning, but believe me and trust
24:44
me that when you're on the other side of that mountain that you're going to
24:48
have to cross, which is your divorce and going through the healing journey,
24:52
when you get to the other side, it's going to be a beautiful paradise.
24:55
Because it is a wonderful thing to grow through a divorce.
24:59
It is a wonderful thing to come out the other side. So if I can give you any
25:03
hope, if you're going through it.
25:05
I hope that is it because you will be happier.
25:09
You will feel like you can take on the world and you will get back to who you
25:14
were as a person and feel your worth again and know your value.
25:19
That's an amazing thing.
25:20
Here's the other thing is healing does not equal moving on.
25:26
A lot of people are going to tell you, you just need to go find a man if you're a woman.
25:31
And if you're a man, they'll say, you just need to go find a woman.
25:33
The problem is, if you're not healed and you move on to another person,
25:39
you're going to marry or date the exact same person you're married to because that's your habit.
25:44
And that's the type of people you like. You tend to attract the same women or
25:48
the same men over and over again.
25:51
And if you do that, you're going to have the same outcome.
25:54
It's called doing the exact same thing and expecting a different result.
25:57
So you have to rebuild your self-trust and peace first.
26:01
And you have to give yourself that time. The issue is that once you get to the
26:05
point where you have your self-trust and your peace, you may not want another person ever.
26:10
And that's okay. I'm here to tell you, you can be pretty darn happy all by yourself.
26:16
Now, don't get me wrong. I do like the comfort of a man once in a while.
26:20
I do like the safety that some men provide.
26:24
However, sometimes you feel much happier just alone in your own peace, in your own setting.
26:30
So you find your peace. You find yourself you find your happiness and your joy
26:36
and when you get to that place Then you decide what you want.
26:39
You don't have to go for another man ever or right away You could take a couple
26:44
years and I don't care what age you are.
26:46
I don't care if you're in your 40s 50s 60s There's always going to be men out
26:49
there So you don't need to rush.
26:51
There's no there's no fear of missing out on this one There's no fomo Because
26:55
there's always going to be people we've got billions of people out there.
26:59
So just remember that once you forgive them.
27:02
And once you can finally forgive yourself, you're going to have personal freedom
27:06
like you've never had. You're going to feel free.
27:09
You're going to be able to feel like you're going to take on the world.
27:12
And it's an empowering feeling.
27:14
So remember, forgiveness, it usually takes a while at least to forgive yourself and forgive them.
27:20
But once you get there, you have so much freedom and you feel so good.
27:23
But don't skip the steps.
27:26
Everybody touches on it, even if it's for a little bit. But you jumping into
27:30
a new relationship because you're numb and depressed is not the way to go.
27:35
You jumping into a new relationship because you're angry and you just want to
27:39
piss off your ex-partner is not the way to go. because you're not healed and
27:44
you're just causing more internal damage emotionally to yourself.
27:49
So do the work. Do the emotional work. Do the spiritual work.
27:52
And then realize that once you get through all this emotional work and the spiritual
27:57
work, you're going to come out the other side and thrive.
28:01
Now, I do want to talk a little bit about taking accountability.
28:04
So when you're going through healing, you're
28:06
going to take a little bit of accountability for things that happen.
28:10
Now, I don't want you to blame yourself for them cheating. That's on them. But there were signs.
28:14
Most people that get cheated on, in fact, I'd say 95% of people or more that
28:18
get cheated on, there were signs that somebody wasn't happy in the relationship.
28:22
You weren't, they weren't.
28:24
And there was strife. A lot of times when people are getting ready to cheat,
28:27
they create more strife because they're emotionally cheating already with the person.
28:32
And so they start fights just for the heck of starting fights.
28:36
So they can say, see, that person's not so nice to me. So they'll create strife
28:40
in the marriage in order to make it worse. Or maybe it's just guilt.
28:44
Sometimes I think people feel guilty about cheating, so they create more problems
28:49
or they yell more often, etc.
28:51
So realize that it's not you, but there is accountability because sometimes
28:57
we allow people to treat us badly and you got to own that.
29:01
You need to learn boundaries that does not allow people to treat you in a way
29:06
that's not serving. That's not respectful.
29:10
You should never be yelled at by your spouse. I mean, you can raise your voice
29:14
here and there and get energized.
29:16
But if a person's yelling at you on a daily basis, that's emotional abuse.
29:20
You need to have boundaries.
29:21
So people shouldn't be raising and screaming at their partner.
29:25
That's supposed to be the person you love.
29:26
That's supposed to be the person you want to spend a life together. You
29:29
should treat them better than the people you see on the street or your
29:32
your work partners because we're supposed
29:35
to be the ones you love the ones you care about that should have
29:38
been a boundary for me i should have been saying no i'm not going to allow it
29:43
it's like it was like the red line that kept getting crossed oh you know over
29:46
and over again drew a red line and they kept walking over it if you draw a red
29:50
line and the person that you're with keeps walking over it you need to make
29:54
a decision are you going to stay or you,
29:57
are you going to work on it? Something has to change because you can't continue to allow that.
30:01
Because if you do, then when you get divorced, you need to take accountability
30:05
for not doing something about it. That's the truth.
30:08
But you've also got to break the cycle of being a victim.
30:11
You got to break the cycle of self-blame, but you also have to break the cycle of being a victim.
30:15
Now, I was never a victim, but I do do a lot of self-blame. I blame myself when I shouldn't be.
30:20
It tends to be one or two ways. Some people come out of this,
30:23
oh, poor me, poor me, poor me.
30:24
I get cheated on my life is over but
30:27
and they get stuck in that or they go into the cycle of
30:30
self blame so much that they don't forgive themselves
30:33
so you need to get over both of those cycles
30:36
whichever side of the coin you are whether you're a self-blamer or a victim
30:40
both of those cycles are bad because they don't help you fully heal so get out
30:45
of the victimhood and take accountability but don't overtake accountability
30:49
for things that aren't yours to own and then once you take accountability.
30:54
Realize those were just signs that you need to have new boundaries and you will
30:57
never let it happen again.
30:59
Once you let go of the past, you get to design the life you want.
31:03
You get to design your future.
31:05
You get to live the way you want. Think about how amazing that is for you.
31:10
You get to live and grow in a way that you never, ever expected.
31:14
You get to become the person that you want to be.
31:17
You get to rebuild your life with confidence and hope
31:20
and treasure every moment with you and your children if
31:23
you still have children at home and your family and your pets and
31:27
create a new family and a new identity a new
31:29
independence and it may be that your family is
31:33
without a partner for a long time it may be that a
31:35
year from now you find a perfect person who knows but you don't need someone
31:40
else to validate you you need to have your own confidence your own joy your
31:45
own self-worth your own vibrations and knowledge that you're amazed every one
31:50
of us was given so many gifts on this planet, and we don't use them enough.
31:54
But when you really go inside, and you
31:56
go through a stage of numbness and self-reflection, you get to see those
32:01
gifts again, and they come out. You get to rebuild you with confidence and identity and independence.
32:08
And the healing that happens will make you more powerful and stronger than you've ever been.
32:13
It'll make you stronger than you were before you even got married.
32:16
Because when you got married, you had some weaknesses because you chose someone
32:20
that you may have thought in the back of your head, like I did, wasn't the right one.
32:25
And it may not have been right in the forefront when to happen,
32:28
but maybe somewhere your gut instinct said, maybe I should wait or maybe this
32:31
isn't the right thing to do.
32:33
And now you'll never let that happen again, because when your intuition tells
32:37
you it's wrong, you're going to listen this time.
32:39
So when you survive divorce, when you survive infidelity and the grief that
32:44
goes with it, you're going to be stronger.
32:46
You're going to be wiser. You're going to be more self-loving than you've ever
32:50
been. That is an amazing place to be. you're going to be happier.
32:55
Don't be afraid to ask for help and let people in.
32:58
Sharing your grief is an amazing thing to do and people are willing to help.
33:01
Listen to some of these podcasts about people going through divorce.
33:04
I have a few of them and that will help.
33:07
And I say when obstacles arise, take them on as quickly as possible.
33:11
Move through it as fast as possible because if you sit there and you let fear
33:15
control you, it's going to take you longer to heal.
33:18
Don't let fear own you. You own yourself.
33:21
Have trust in yourself and faith that things will work out.
33:25
Don't let the fear in. And you got to be willing to make mistakes,
33:28
okay? When you just go for things, you're going to stumble.
33:31
You're going to trip because it's like you're going to a goal and you're running
33:35
and every once in a while the sidewalk pops up and you fall on your face. But.
33:39
It's okay because you're moving in the right direction.
33:42
If you stand there and say, oh, that goal is really far away.
33:46
I don't know if I can make it.
33:47
You're going to run around in circles or just stand there and do nothing.
33:50
You're never going to get anywhere.
33:52
And then two years from now, three years from now, four years from now,
33:55
you're going to be one of those people I run into that's still in the same part
33:57
of their grief because they let fear control them.
34:00
Don't do that. Don't be that person. Now, once you've gone through grief,
34:04
there is a different journey that a lot of people go through that is like a
34:08
circular revisiting of the grief.
34:11
You may go through another numb stage.
34:13
And in fact, some of the grieving stages cycle back, but there's another numb
34:17
stage. And the numb stage that, this is kind of a pleasant numb stage, if you will.
34:20
This is where you've gone through all the stages of grief.
34:23
You've gone through forgiveness, but now you're questioning your identity, okay?
34:28
And a lot of, they don't talk about after you've healed, what's next.
34:33
A lot of people that say, let's get you healed. And then, well,
34:36
what's next? And I say the numb stage.
34:39
And it's a stage where a lot of people go through it and they're questioning
34:43
their life's purpose and they're questioning their identity and they don't know
34:47
what path to go forward in.
34:49
And this numb stage for me lasted about three or four weeks.
34:51
So that was a long time for me. Now, some people could last for six months or a year.
34:55
And the numb stage, it's after the shock of the divorce, after you've gone through
34:58
some of the healing, this numbness can last for a little bit.
35:02
And I actually enjoy the numb stage because it's a stage where I gave the space
35:06
and the time to look inward and say, what do I want to do next?
35:10
Who do I want to be? What goals do I want to set?
35:14
And it wasn't a stage where I was doing a lot. It was a stage where I took time
35:18
to myself and analyzed who I want to be.
35:21
Came up with a new life purpose. Because when you go through divorce,
35:25
part of your purpose gets destroyed because it was your marriage was part of your purpose.
35:29
So come up with a new purpose and figure out a path forward.
35:32
And it needs to be a big one.
35:34
I don't want you to play small. I want you to find a big path.
35:38
A big goal, something you really want to do that's for you and for your new family.
35:43
Now, your new family could just be you and your cat, or it could be just you
35:46
and your dog or you and your kids.
35:48
But your new purpose needs to encompass all of that.
35:52
It needs to be there for you, something that you can grow and something that
35:55
you can maybe bring your children in to help you on.
35:58
But that purpose should be so big that it's inspiring, that it lights a fire
36:03
under you, that when you think about it, you light up.
36:07
You can tell people about what you're doing, maybe writing a book,
36:10
maybe you're taking on a new hobby.
36:12
You want to be the pickle ball champion of whatever town you're in.
36:16
Whatever it is, something that lights you up, something that inspires you,
36:20
that gives you the reason to wake up in the morning.
36:23
And this numb stage that I'm talking about, it's not a depression stage.
36:26
Now, they do say if you stay in any numb stage for too long,
36:29
you could get depressed. But I never got depressed in a numb stage because I
36:32
look inward and you really need to look inside and say, I am worthy.
36:37
And your self-worth should really shine here. But the numb stage does give you
36:41
the time and the space to think.
36:43
And it's just some people do their thinking when they meditate and I'm not a big meditator.
36:48
So the numb stage for me is a nice clarity stage. You may also mourn a little
36:52
bit more after you've gone through your greeting stage.
36:56
But if you have a good purpose, that stage is not going to last.
37:01
So when you come out of your numb stage, you're going to have a strong purpose. Okay.
37:06
You're going to have an idea of what you want to do, but you're going to have no idea how to do it.
37:10
It's a disorganization or a realignment stage. It's a stage where you've gone
37:15
through the worst, you've healed, but now you've got a new purpose and you have
37:19
no idea how to get there. This stage is kind of disorganized.
37:23
Your head may spin. You're like, what do I do? So what you do in this stage
37:27
is you make a lot of lists and you're going to list out what you want to do.
37:32
And under each heading of what you want to do, you're going to make a list of
37:35
everything you need to do to get it. So if you want to lose 50 pounds as part
37:39
of your purpose, you're going to make a list of the things you're going to do to execute that.
37:43
If you want to start any business, write down the 100 things that you're going to have to do to do it.
37:48
And every single day, you have to get one of those things done off the list.
37:53
Now, it may be that you make the list.
37:56
I need to set up a corporation. I need to make $50,000.
37:59
No, those are too big of things. You need to break down into minute details,
38:03
everything that you want to get done. This is going to help with you realigning
38:06
your thought process. It's going to help with you with your decision making.
38:10
It's going to help you figure out how to do things in a more clear path forward.
38:15
This is a very important part of the process because you've got this big purpose.
38:20
You've got this big why now. You've got this big goal, who you are. You're empowered.
38:25
Now let's line up how you're going to get there. So a lot of goal setting,
38:29
a lot of detail on what you need to do to get there.
38:32
And with all the AI out there, you can also reach out to AI and say,
38:35
what steps do I need to do to start a business in textiles or t-shirt design
38:41
or write a book? How do I write a book? What steps do I need to take?
38:45
Grab those steps. Just start building your list.
38:47
And every day, move towards that. Every day.
38:51
In fact, I like to do it at night. I write down six things, my six most important
38:54
things I have to do the next day.
38:56
I make sure those are next to my bed. So as soon as I wake up in the morning,
38:59
I'm not jumping on my phone, which I used to do when I was going through the divorce a lot.
39:03
I'm not jumping on my phone when I wake up because I usually wake up four o'clock
39:07
is my preferred time because then I get a nice workout in before the kids get up.
39:10
But when I wake up, I get started on my list right away.
39:13
So by six o'clock when the kids wake up, I already have half my list done.
39:17
Sometimes I get the whole list done in the first two hours.
39:20
Depends on how the list is shaping up, whether I can do it when I'm walking
39:24
on the treadmill or if I have to do other things.
39:27
So remember get your six most important things leave
39:30
them next to your bed and you're going to see your life change in the right
39:34
direction again where you're over the mountain but now you're shooting for that
39:37
goal okay then after you get organized and you start doing your steps your action
39:42
items you're going to go through a growth stage it is amazing to go through
39:47
the growth stage the growth stage is great because you're.
39:50
Realigning with who you are, realigning with your life's purpose and finding
39:54
that you can do everything on your own. It's fine to have a partner.
39:57
Great. But isn't it great that you know you can do everything on your own?
40:02
Isn't it a great feeling that you know you can support yourself financially,
40:06
physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually?
40:09
You can support yourself. There are ways.
40:12
So your path forward is a great thing to get to when you get to the growth stage,
40:17
because every day you're going to wake up and you're going to thrive.
40:20
That's a great place to be. Nothing will stop you.
40:23
Your health, your wealth, your mental health, your finances,
40:26
you got this. You got this girl, as they say. You can do anything.
40:30
Remember that thriving stage comes right after the growth stage,
40:34
after you're done growing and you now got your habits in place because you're
40:38
doing this every day. So it's habitual.
40:40
It may take a while. Depends on what business you're in. Depends on what your goals are.
40:44
I mean, if you have 50 pounds to lose, it might take you six months.
40:46
If you want to compete in a competition or do a marathon or triathlon,
40:51
those things may take some time, but you got to get the consistency down in
40:54
the growth stage. And what happens is you start thriving.
40:56
You see, after 60 to 90 days of doing the daily work every single day,
41:00
you start to thrive and the path gets clearer. This is about accepting your new reality.
41:06
This is you. You get to grow in such a great way that your new reality is rock star.
41:12
Integration, thriving, this is a great stage. And the next stage is success.
41:16
Success is a wonderful place to be because you've done it. You got there.
41:20
You did things you didn't think were possible.
41:23
Now don't stop. A lot of people, they get into success and they stop there.
41:28
They think, oh, I made it. So I'm making, I don't know, whatever it is,
41:33
$50,000 a month, or I'm doing whatever it is, whatever your,
41:37
I lost 50 pounds and now I look great.
41:40
But, and then they stop and then they gain their weight back or they stop working
41:43
and then they stop making money.
41:45
Once you get to success, that's not the destination.
41:48
I think people need to move forward to the next step, which is significance.
41:52
And significance is where you're doing things that you didn't even think possible.
41:57
So maybe you lose 50 pounds and now you're going to compete in a bodybuilding competition.
42:01
That's a significant step. And then after you get to that body competition,
42:05
maybe you're going to teach other people how to be bodybuilders.
42:08
Now you're doing significance. You're assisting and you're helping the world be a better place.
42:12
Or maybe you started a company and it made so much money that you can now,
42:17
I don't know, give money to homeless people or set up a foundation.
42:21
That's significance. And from significance, you grow into a person that you
42:25
don't even recognize. It's amazing. It's a beautiful thing.
42:28
This is my hope for you. Think about where you came from. Think about all you've done.
42:33
Think about where you can go. Then after you get into significance,
42:35
there's another step. There's legacy building.
42:38
Legacy building is where you've taken your pain and your grief and you turned
42:43
it into healing and then you turned it into growth and then you turned it into
42:46
striving and success and then you were significant because you were helping
42:51
others and now you're creating a legacy.
42:54
A legacy is one that other people will follow in your footsteps,
42:57
whether it's your children, whether it's aunts, uncles, parents,
43:01
whether it's just your neighbor or someone that you don't even know.
43:06
So people create legacies and it's the last step of true human transformation.
43:12
And once you get to the point where you're making a legacy, your significance
43:16
that you created from all that you've grown through, and I say grown through
43:21
because it was growth, It will be amazing.
43:24
And you get to this legacy point, and you take your children there with you,
43:28
and they get to the point and they see, wow, you're strong. You're unstoppable.
43:33
That's the goal. I wish that on everyone. I truly do.
43:38
It doesn't matter if you have a nine-to-five job. You can create a legacy with that.
43:42
You can make your job the happiest place for all the people you work with.
43:46
You can do things better than anyone else.
43:49
Because you've grown through so much. Maybe you created your company on the
43:53
side. Maybe you don't. Maybe you enjoy being a janitor.
43:57
And every time you see the kids, you give them a high five.
44:00
And you cheer up the whole school. That's a legacy.
44:04
Because there's a kid down there that's maybe sad and depressed.
44:07
And you're going to lift them up too.
44:09
I hope that the people that have gone through these journeys don't stay in their
44:14
grief. They don't get stuck.
44:16
That they move past this and grow. and they move past this and have a legacy
44:20
because your life was meant to be significant. You were meant to be so much more.
44:25
You were meant to have and hold and heal. You were meant to have everything.
44:30
You were meant to be amazing. So I hope that you recognize today that you are
44:37
more than what happened to you, that once you get to the point that you're healed,
44:42
you will find your purpose and your significance and hopefully your success.
44:46
And I wish all the best for you. I wish all the blessings. I wish all the healing
44:51
and I wish all the hope in the world.
44:53
This is Diva Mia. I hope you have a great day.
44:56
I hope you have a wonderful life. I hope this helped. I hope this helped a lot.
45:00
I hope you can take this and grow in the future. Take care of yourself.
45:04
Thanks for tuning in like subscribe and drop a comment we'd love hearing from
45:10
you visit thedivadetails.com to connect. See you next week for more.
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Transcription by partner. All facts discussed in the podcast are researched
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and accurate to the best of our knowledge at the time of recording.
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Information may change over time. No guarantees are made regarding the accuracy,
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It is the responsibility of the listener to verify any and all facts that may
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influence their decision. This podcast is for information and entertainment purposes.