Latest / Raising Daughters / How a Wakeup Call Changed the Trajectory of a CEOs Life

Transcript

How a Wakeup Call Changed the Trajectory of a CEOs Life · Raising Daughters

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, folks, welcome back to another episode of Raising Daughters.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I always appreciate that you stop by and listening to
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: these conversations. And sometimes I just talk about a topic
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: and sometimes I have a guest, and today I not
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: only have a guest, I have two guests. This is like, hope,
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: a bonus. Today you heard me talking a lot about
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: how much pressure I think are our kids are under
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: these days. Just the whole system is I don't know.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: I just think it's oppressive, and that's a whole topic
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: in itself. But so I this uh, this woman who
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: were in a book recently called you don't have to
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: achieve to be loved. She isn't I think an interesting
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: story that I think you all are gonna want to
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: hear about her path. I'm talking about Beca Pierce. And
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: she was a she called herself at least and her
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: uh her CV. She was a corporate warrior, which is
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: kind of scary for me to read. But she she
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: was leading teams at Blue Cross Shield, Kaiser Permanente. She
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: was appointed the CEO of Maryland's Help Benefit Exchange, all
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: very important things and then then life hit. And so
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: that's what we're gonna talk about today is like just
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: her story about what happened and then maybe for all
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: of us to gain some perspective about our lives. So
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: welcome to Welcome to the show. First of all, both
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: of you.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: And the second voice is her daughter, Elena, who is
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I believe it's a sophomore ye at the University of
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Maryland's Business School, and she likes to staying. She's an
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: a cappella group and she loves spending time with her
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: sisters in Kappa Delta. So I want to make sure
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I said that so you can get credit for that.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: So thank you both for being on the show today.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: So Becka, tell us about what happened, tell us your story.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So, in twenty eleven, I was appointed by Governor
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: O'Malley in the state of Maryland to implement Obamacare in
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: the state of Maryland. And I could not have believed
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: more or tried harder to make it work. In fact,
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: I'll get to that later. Actually, but when it didn't
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: turn on the way it was supposed to in twenty thirteen,
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: I lost my job quite publicly above the fold with
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: a picture on the news at five six and eleven
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: would have been on all social media platforms in twenty
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: twenty six. The good news is I landed on my feet,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: and that doesn't happen very often for women. Oftentimes when
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: women lose their jobs like that, they just fall off
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: the radar. But I found myself in a medicaid company,
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: an other health insurance company following that as a vice president.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: And fourteen months after I lost my job, my daughter
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: sitting next to me when she was seven at the time.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: You know, she would she would whisper into one of
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: my ears, and the joke was, you know, you can't
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: talk in to mommy's bad ear. You know, you have
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: to talk in to mommy's good ear. And so then
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: she would come around and whisper in the good ear.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: But finally somebody said to me, you know, single sided
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: deafness is not normal. You should really get that checked out.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: And to make a really long story short, I walked
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: in to a hearing exam and walked out finding out
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: I had a brain tumor the size of a ping
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: pong ball and a surgery imminently. And so from the
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: time I was diagnosed at the time that I was
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: on the table was five weeks and During those five weeks,
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: Elena turned eight years old, and you know, I did
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: everything in my power to make sure that she was
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: going to be prepared for when I was going to
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: be gone. But what we didn't tell her was that
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: I actually had a brain tumor. And so, you know,
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: I regret that now. I wish I had told her
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: more because I think she expected the same person to
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: walk in the door. But when I walked in the door,
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: my face was paralyzed. It was as if I had
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: a stroke. And let's be clear, I didn't walk in
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: the door because I had to learn to walk again.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: You know, there are major impacts of brain surgery turned out.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: And so I spent you know, almost a year trying
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: to figure out how to get back to myself. And
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: then once I did, once I proved to myself that
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: I could do the job again, I decided that I
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: didn't want to do that anymore, that putting Elena on
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: the bus was the most important thing in my life,
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: that for those five weeks, I was scared that I
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: would never do it again, and I did not need
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: to be in charge anymore. And so I quit my
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: job and I'm now an executive coach helping other people lead,
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: not me leading myself helping other people lead.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Wow, So that's that's an interesting story. And sometimes that's
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: what takes for us to wake up. Right, So what's
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: really important? I'm m I'd say you didn't know it
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: was important before that, But sometimes it takes something drag
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: take for us to go, well, is this really what
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: I want? I'm afraid a lot of people are sort
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: of sleep walking through their lives and not really conscious
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: that's aware of where they're at and how they're feeling
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: what they want. We just go, go, go, and we're busy, busy, busy,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: and distracted, distracted, distracted, and so you've made an abrupt turn.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and when do we ever stop to figure out
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: whether or not the path ron is actually the path
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: that we want to be on?
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: Because we're moving so quickly, we never stop and say, oh,
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: do I really want this? And what I find is
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: that when people actually do stop and ask that question,
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: what they realize is that they're living somebody else's definition
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: of success, not their own definition. And so, yeah, we're
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: going down this path without thinking about it. And it's
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: a cliche that people who have had some sort of
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: life altering impact. Are the only ones who stop and
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: smell the roses. But there's a reason for that, because
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: we've all made that realization and we want others to
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: be able to do it.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: Too, you know, right, counsel GROLs who are in high
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: school and college and Atlanta, I kind of direct this
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: to you, and you can tell me if I'm on
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: it or if I'm out and left field. But I
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: think I think the culture has has sort of conditioned
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: you to believe there's one path. If I ask girls
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: in my in my office, I'll say we're talking about
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: school or grades. I say what kind of grades do
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: you want? And they always look at me like I
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: have a hole in my head. I want A's like
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: you idiot. They don't say you idiot, but their face
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: says you idiot. And I'll literally say, why do you
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: want a it's all that dumb? And they'll say, because
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: I want to get into a top college. I'll say,
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: why do you want to get into a top college
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: so I can get a good job. Why do you
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: want to get a good job so I can make
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: a lot of money? And these are girls who are
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: fourteen sixteen already. That's like the mantra they've absorbed from
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: the culture and from the ap you know, college system,
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: and from the college process. I wonder if that's if
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: you would agree with that.
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: Uh, yeah, I would completely agree with that.
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: I think that I find myself on that same path,
• 7:00
  Speaker 4: and I think that a lot of my friends in
• 7:02
  Speaker 4: college and from high school would be on that very
• 7:05
  Speaker 4: similar path. I mean, my idea currently is get good grades,
• 7:09
  Speaker 4: you know, leave college with you know, get good internships,
• 7:12
  Speaker 4: and then get a job and yeah, and with you know,
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: a solid life that uh you know, money, and end
• 7:19
  Speaker 4: up with a family somewhere. But yeah, I think it
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: is very high achieving and straightforward.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: Down the path. Please don't call me an idiot, No,
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: don't worry. So, so, would you say that your your
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: peers are aware of this conditioning or are you feel
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: like they're just sort of on the track.
• 7:41
  Speaker 4: I mean, I would probably say they're not terribly aware.
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: I don't think I'm terribly aware that I'm on that path.
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: I think that, I mean, I understand myself as a
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: high achiever as well as my friends, but it hasn't
• 7:56
  Speaker 4: really occurred to me that I'm not, you know, doing
• 8:00
  Speaker 4: all the things that I do super consciously. So now
• 8:03
  Speaker 4: I don't think we're terribly aware.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: I imagine by the way we're talking to Becca Pearce
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: and her daughter Elena, and Becca was a high achieving
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: corporate leader and then a man years ago was I
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: guess about ten years ago that you were diagnosed?
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Eleven years ago, I had surgery and then I opened
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: my coaching practice in twenty seventeen, so nine years.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Ago, and so surgery for a brain tumor, and so
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: that sort of really shook up her life and also
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: gave her a chance, I guess to sit back and assess, well,
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: where have I been? Where do I want to go?
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: So she's made a lot of choices to sort of
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: reset her life. Was it hard making that transition?
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: It was very hard, And in fact, I lay out
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: when I work with people now, I lay out an
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: entire change process that everybody goes through. And there is
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: this morning the past phase, which is probably the hardest part,
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: which is but I liked that person. I liked the
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: person that got me to where I am now. She
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: was quite frankly, she was kind of a badass, Like
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: why why do I want to let her go? When
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: realize when what I really realized was that the most
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: important thing to me in my life is my family.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: I'll give up everything for my family. And I know
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: that now because if the choice is doing something that
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: Elena asked me to do, or with Elena or go
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: for a run, Elena wins.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: My core values are now so strong that I recognize
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: that what I had been doing was against what my
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: core values were. So it was difficult to begin to
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: make that transition. But the most important thing that I
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: think is, you know, helping Elena recognize that, Like, if
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: that's what you want, that's okay as long as is
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: within your values, right, And that's what I would want
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: the women, the young women to hear now, like it's
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: okay to want that as long as that's what you
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: truly want, and that's not somebody else's definition of success.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: It's also for me, at least work with girls and women,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: all the young women. I think it's sad that our
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: definition of being a bad ass is being at the
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: top of the corporate chain and what you're doing now,
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: like saying, yo, what is not that just doesn't feel
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: right to me. I'm gonna make a different choice that.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: To me, it's like, well, you're an amazing bad ass,
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: but I don't think the culture would. It doesn't reflect
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: that to girls. True or not true, Elena.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree?
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: Can I share something that she said to me at
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: one point? I don't know if you're going to remember
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: that at one point, so my path was CEO and
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: then health plan and then coaching, right, and she said
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: to me one time, you know, mom, when you were
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: the CEO, you wore a suit every day and you
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: would get up and I would barely see you, and
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: you would wear a suit every day. And then you
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: went to work for that health plan and you started
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: to wear jeans and sometimes you wore a suit top,
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: but it was just more casual. And now you work
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: from home and you work in your pajamas. I don't
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: even know if you work as if there was this
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: correlation to what I was wearing to the power that
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: I held.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I don't think. I don't think we do
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: a good job. And this is probably guess what you're
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: what you when you're coaching women. I don't think we
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: do a good job of allowing young people to I
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: read Stephen Covey's book The Seven Habits of How You
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Affected people a thousand years ago. I remember, I think
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: it was his first habit was to begin with the
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: end in mind. And I think a lot of times.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: And my wife and I are going to Colorado in
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: a couple of days to running a father middle school girl.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: We can retreat, so we'll have some sessions with the education,
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: sessions with the dads and with the dads and the
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: girls together, some with just the girls. But one of
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: the things that we'll do when we do a lot
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: with groups of parents is had them think about their
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: end in mind for their their parenting. And I think,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: love my parents haven't done that. I think, uh, that's
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: one thing. But I also think just as as individuals,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: we don't really take the time the step step back
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: before before we have a brain toober and say, what
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: is my end in mind? What is really important to me?
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: What do I value? Blah blah blah. I wonder, Elena,
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: have you after watching what your mom's been through, have
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: you had a chance to go through that process or.
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: I mean I think that I haven't had.
• 12:16
  Speaker 4: I there's a little bit of like learning from her
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: experience that I do, but I haven't had a similar
• 12:22
  Speaker 4: kind of slowing down situation I think that a lot
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: of things move really quickly, or you're constantly moving to
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: the next thing, like graduate high school and then start
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: college and then you know, get an internship next summer,
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: and graduate college and get a job and stuff like that,
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: and it's constantly you're just running to the next thing
• 12:38
  Speaker 4: that you're supposed to achieve. And I think that it
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: for like you've said before, Unfortunately, for a lot of people,
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: it does take some sort of life altering or really
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: you know, kind of crazy or traumatic situation to make
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: you slow down. But yeah, I pretty much live my
• 12:59
  Speaker 4: life to the next thing basically now.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: I also think, if I can accuse your generation of this,
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: I think you all are a little bit numb. I
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: don't think you guys are really in touch with what
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: you're feeling. I think you're too busy to experience that
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: enough to be able to sit back and say, what
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: am I feeling. So many girls, young women I work with,
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: are stressed out, numbed out. You know, there's a lot
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: of girls who are anxiety disorders and all sorts of things.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: In my experience, this isn't every woman or girl. I
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: don't think a lot of them really have a disorder.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: I think they're just running too fast and you're not
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: taking enough time to check in, Say what am I feeling?
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: What's going on? What do I need? Yeah, it's true,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: Go ahead, No, I was going to say. So, I
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: think that at least we're an auspe for us. I
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: think that when I was going, going, going, going, I
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: didn't have space for it, and I didn't allow her
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: to have space for it either, right, So I think
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: it's also kind of if you grow up in this
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: environment where you were parented by an overachiever, like probably
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: going to cause a little of PTSD here for her.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: But like when she used to cry when I was
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: back being this person, I'd be like, pull it together,
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: Like I couldn't handle her crying. Pull it together. So
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: like she wasn't allowed to have emotions because I wasn't
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: allowed to have emotions because I couldn't slow down. So
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: I think it becomes this societal I don't know if
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: it's necessarily just her generation, but it's probably passed down
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: from us, don't you think.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: I think some of that sure, And kids are watching
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: their parents, and a lot of parents are. You don't
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: have to be a CEO to be running fast, not
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: take or not take care of yourself exactly. I also
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: think women, especially in this day and age, too often
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: they tie their identity with their performance or their achievements.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: I think maybe in the old days that may have
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: been more of a male thing, perhaps kind of sort
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: of ish, but I think today it's it's the same
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: for men and women, and I think sometimes that causes
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: them to begin to trouble. Personal trouble.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, I see that with high performing women
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: because what ends up happening, at least in my experience,
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: is that to be able to do that, to show
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: up at work, to be that high achieving person, it's
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: so much of a persona that you have to get
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: into that is very difficult to undo that, and so
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: that becomes your whole identity. Right even at home, it's
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: like no, and Gen X was sold on. You can
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: have it all. You can be that CEO and still
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: have the dinner on the table at six o'clock. Well,
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: guess what, that's a lie, right.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: And so what.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: So here we are all trying to go, go, go,
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: go go, and that achievement is you know, I've got
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: and by the way, we need to look good doing
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: it all, and so it's very difficult to get outside
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: of that. I've got to achieve to look good and
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: feel good about myself.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: And I always add I say the same thing you
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: just said a lot in my talks my wife and
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: I also say and make it look effortless.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, exactly.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I also think that. Tell me this is true. Uh,
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Elena and our and Rebecca. But by the way, we're
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: talking to Pecca and Elena Pearce who live you live
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: in Maryland. Yeah, and Becca was was a CEO and
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: a leader and industry and all these things. And then
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: she ended up having a wake up call about eight
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: or nine nine years ago eleven sorry, eleven years ago,
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: she had a brain tumor and so that kind of
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: really kind of woke her up, and she went ended
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: up going through all that you go through and you
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: have a brain tumor, and so she started making some
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: different choices for herself. Also, I also think that one
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: of the problems that that girls run into, I think
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: more so than boys, is that their validation way too
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: often comes from looking outside of themselves, comparing themselves and
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: the need for external validation. I think that's true for
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: everybody in the culture, but I think it may be
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: more so with young women. Would you say that might
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: be true with you and or your generation, Yeah.
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: I would agree. I think that.
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: If you take getting A grades for girls, which I
• 17:20
  Speaker 4: think that when I speak to a lot of people
• 17:23
  Speaker 4: in my generation or my friends, it's usually the girls
• 17:26
  Speaker 4: who are you know, striving for the A or something
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: like that and less so you know, that's kind of
• 17:32
  Speaker 4: maybe a concern on the guy's mind, but it's kind
• 17:34
  Speaker 4: of further down. But yeah, I think that things like
• 17:38
  Speaker 4: that to prove that, you know, they're worthy or they're
• 17:42
  Speaker 4: you know, the education that they're gonna eat, they're smart,
• 17:45
  Speaker 4: they're whatever. And I also think that that's a little
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: bit more of like I would say that women, you know,
• 17:52
  Speaker 4: have to jump two times higher whatever to make more
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: of an impact. And I think that my generation still
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: is trying to prove that whatever where worthy intelligence I
• 18:04
  Speaker 4: don't know.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: And I think that social ties, right, Tim, tell me
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: correct me, because I think that there's this thought that
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: it starts in middle school, right, that you need to belong,
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: like to choose where you're going to belong. It's that
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: external piece. At one point you said to me, I said, well,
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: don't you want to do something different? And you said,
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: don't you understand them? The whole point is to be
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: the same. At this point, it was like middle school
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: or something like that, Like the whole point was to
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: look like everybody else, and that is such a social cue.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: And for girls, like the biggest thing you can the
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: meanest thing you can do, is cut them out of
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: their social ties, right, And so all of that comes
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: with that external validation. Whether you look valid a certain way,
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: or you're matching them in some other way, whether it's
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: grades or singing or sports or something like that, it
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: all comes from that external piece.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: I think our brains are wired to mirror other people.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: I think even more so with girls, you know, And
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: I think it doesn't mean you're stuck, It doesn't mean
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: you're screwed. It just means you have to be aware.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: And I think I think that awareness piece we don't
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: teach girls. I guess I'm sure it's true for boys.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: I have two sons one way and a daughter, but
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: I think it's true for both. But I work with
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: girls I had for almost forty years, so I guess
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: I'm more sensitive to that. But I think that's sensitivity.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: I think it's just not there, and the education is
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: not there, and the awareness is not there. Just like
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: I think, I think you've been through this. It sounds
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: like Becca, you've you had a chance to sort of
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: redefine what success was for you. You had you had
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: a very clear picture coming out of your education and
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: everything else, like this is what it's supposed to look like,
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: this is what I'm supposed to be doing that, and
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: then you kind of had that wake up call and
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: then you've you've had a chance to sort of redefine
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: what does success look like? Maybe it's not what it
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: used to be.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think, And for me it was that final
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: switch everything that I had been searching for for uh
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: and the reason that I kept trying to achieve was
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: because I never found it. The conundrum for the overachiever is,
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: especially if you're doing it from an external validation, is
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: you're never going to achieve it. You're never going to
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: do it because you constantly move the goalposts on yourself.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: So it was, oh, I need, you know, for a
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: lot of people, I need a bigger house or a
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: better car, or a bigger title, and then they'll love me.
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: And the shift really became when I said, you know what,
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: I'm enough because I am who I am just by
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: being human, I am enough, and therefore I can do
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: anything that I want, and I can live my life
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: any way that I want, and I can define my
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: own definition of success, which by the way, is to
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: live a life within my values and to be able
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: to impact the clients that I work with, but within
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: my values, and that means, for example, that I walk
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: my dog for an hour every day, that I have
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: a core need to be able to see the outside
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: or be outside, and all of those things come into
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: my life. And being in the office and having that
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: you know, connection with whoever the CEO is or whatever
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: that promotion is, that just doesn't matter to me anymore.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: And that's okay because I love myself for who I am.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: I'm curious, Elena, what you've learned from watching your mom
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: and her path and her experiences.
• 21:28
  Speaker 4: I think I don't know if I've fully taken away
• 21:31
  Speaker 4: her message yet I'm got here.
• 21:32
  Speaker 3: One day I will and it'll mean a lot.
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: The book is dedicated.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: To you, I know, and it's not it's your message.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: You have to create your own message anyway exactly.
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: I agree with that.
• 21:43
  Speaker 4: Also, I mean, she talks in the book that this
• 21:45
  Speaker 4: is her takeaway, but you can have your own takeaway,
• 21:47
  Speaker 4: and you know, like there's just paths to do that.
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: And I, you know, believe, whether I'm wrong in my
• 21:54
  Speaker 4: belief that the path I'm on is still what leads
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: to my success, but that could be wrong when I
• 21:59
  Speaker 4: turn or whatever, and that's fine. But I also think
• 22:03
  Speaker 4: that what I mean, I've learned. I've been inspired by
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: her a lot. I think that she's the strongest woman
• 22:10
  Speaker 4: I know. Watching her go through all of this at
• 22:12
  Speaker 4: eight years old, I realized that, you know, I might
• 22:15
  Speaker 4: hate my mom sometimes, but at the end of the day,
• 22:18
  Speaker 4: she is incredibly brave and does amazing things.
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: So I maybe my message from this whole journey was to.
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: Love my mom more.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: But that's worth it. But you were you were little.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: It's little. Yeah, yeah, it's young.
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I was young, and I don't think I fully
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: I definitely didn't really know what was going on, but
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: I think it was I mean, you said you and
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: she told me more. But I also think that if
• 22:45
  Speaker 4: I knew more, I wouldn't really understand what was going on.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: So yeah, but yeah, I'm talking to with Becca Pierce
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: and her daughter, Elena Beca is the author of a book.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Is a book just coming out this year.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: It came out last October in twenty twenty five.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: It's called you Don't have to Achieve to Be Loved.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: And as we've been talking about, so you may be
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: coming in late Beca had a wake up call about
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: eleven years ago she had discovered she had a brain
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: tuler and totally kind of shifted her life her path
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: from being a CEO and very driven to kind of
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: reassessing what's important to her and just sort of redefining
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: success for herself. I'm curious also about are you more
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: aware of your friends when they talk about those kinds
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: of things, Elena, They're talking about money and success and
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: jobs and all that kind of thing.
• 23:42
  Speaker 4: I wish I could say yes, but I think I'm
• 23:45
  Speaker 4: also an enabler.
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: I still talk that way and stuff like that. But yeah,
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: I mean I think that's kind of yeah.
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: She's a very good consumer too, right, so yeah, there's
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: a little bit of security and wanting the money so
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: that she can consume.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: It's true. Congratulations. I wonder too, elated if I can
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: ask you this, And I asked this question a lot
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: with the young people I work with. I think your
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: generation has been uh kind of accused of not being
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: able to handle the normal ups and downs of life
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: because you've been coddled and rescued and people have kept
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: you safe and not allowed you to take risks, not
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: because you don't want you to be hurt all those
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: kinds of things or make mistakes. I'm wondering if that's
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: if you've noticed that within yourself and or your your
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: sisters story sisters.
• 24:46
  Speaker 4: I me personally, and I obviously am biased, but I
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: really don't think that I've been terribly coddled. And I
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: think in the case of ups and downs, I think
• 25:03
  Speaker 4: that when I speak of our generation as a whole,
• 25:06
  Speaker 4: I think we've already, like we've experienced a lot of.
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: Not very normal ups and downs.
• 25:13
  Speaker 4: Take COVID for example, and stuff like that, which obviously
• 25:16
  Speaker 4: set us back.
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: But I also think that we.
• 25:19
  Speaker 4: Are very loud in our opinions, which is a good
• 25:22
  Speaker 4: and a bad thing. But we're you know, striving to
• 25:26
  Speaker 4: make change and make ourselves.
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: Heard and continuing to do the best we can. So
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 25:34
  Speaker 4: I probably am biased, but I don't think that we've
• 25:38
  Speaker 4: been very protected. There are definitely people that I have
• 25:41
  Speaker 4: met that them individually or that group of people have
• 25:45
  Speaker 4: been more protected.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: But I think that's just what caddle people would say. Yeah,
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: probably just kidd. Becca's book is called You Don't have
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: to Achieve to be Loved, And we obviously don't have
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: time for you to give us a whole synopsis of
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: the book. But what are a couple of key messages
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: that you would want to want to I'm thinking of
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: young people especially, want them to get as far as
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: they're embarking on their life path.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think the most important thing for the younger
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: generation to hear is define your own personal definition of success, right,
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: start now and look at it and say, and by
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: the way, if money and power and those things are
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: important to you, that's okay. Again, I am not anti achievement.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: What I am is this recognition that like, you don't
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: actually have to achieve to receive love, that there is
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: a separation between achievement and love, that you are loved
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: because of who you are. And define your own definition
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: of success. Don't just assume that because we're fed it
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: by social media, by our parents, by our culture, by
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: all of these things. Just like you're deciding right now,
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: who you're going to vote for and all of those
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: things for the first time, decide for yourself what success
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: is going to look like. Don't just buy our definition
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: of it, create your own. And for the older generation,
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: what I would say is what do you want your
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: children to learn from you? Right? And define that for yourself,
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: so that you as you're working, as you're listening to
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: this podcast and you're thinking about how you want to
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: raise your daughter, my question to you is what do
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: you want her to learn from you and your patterns?
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: Because people learn from what they see, not you know.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: They learn from what you do, not from what you say.
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: So is now the opportunity for you to look and
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: figure out what you want to do differently. And the
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: book itself is almost a work book. It gives you
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: a chance to look at your poor values and your
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: core beliefs and the things that drive you today, to
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: challenge yourself to try and figure out if this is
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: the path you want to be on. It gives you
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: the steps if it's If it's not the path you
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: want to beyond, it gives you the steps to get there.
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: I would guess too, that the sticking point for a
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: lot of people to be able to do what you're suggesting,
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: Maybe that they don't slow down enough to be that
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: conscious correct? Are that conscious the wrong work? Are that
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: self aware?
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: And then the second thing, by the way, is I
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: can't possibly make a change. I need the money i'm
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: making right now, and that is a dream killer, because
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: what I find is people never take the time to
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: actually figure out if that's true.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: Hm, I'm gonna give Lanta the last word here. So
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: what based on what you've learned of growing up with
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: your mom, what would be your advice to parents.
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: I think she did a pretty good job. I would say.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: She has to say that she's sitting right next.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: To me, you're sucking up right now, I'm asking you.
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: Well, I'm pretty proud of how I turned out, so
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: she has to have done something night.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: I guess I'm not sure.
• 29:01
  Speaker 4: I would say there's some sort of balance between, you know,
• 29:05
  Speaker 4: toughening up your kid and maybe coddling or protecting. Uh,
• 29:10
  Speaker 4: And that's tricky to find, but you know, make sure
• 29:14
  Speaker 4: that you're not sending like, I don't know, some sort
• 29:17
  Speaker 4: of soft kid out there. But also there's not going
• 29:20
  Speaker 4: to be some sort of empathy. And I think that
• 29:22
  Speaker 4: like that balance is where you want to sit, which
• 29:26
  Speaker 4: I'm sure everyone strives for.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: But good luck.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: We've been talking with Becca Pierce and her daughter Elena.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: Becca is author of a book called You Don't Have
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: to Achieve to Be Loved? And where do people? Where
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: can they find your bookcuse me?
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: The best place to go is actually my website, which
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: is more Becca Pierce dot com and pierces p e
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: A rcee because I'm not going to pierce your heart
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: it's not the other spelling. But there you can find
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: all of the information about my individual coaching, about the
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: speaking that I do. You can find the book, and
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: I would just say that if you are a current
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: overachiever in trying to decide whether you're on the right path,
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: that's exactly where you should go. That's exactly who I
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: work with.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: So more like m O R E y Becca Peers
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: dot com. Correct. Okay, well thank you? And how about you?
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: How are people going to get a hold of you
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: of your book? Elena? I got.
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: I'll get to work.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: I thought that was gonna be the moral of this
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: story for you as I'm writing a book.
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: Now that's all her notebooks for me?
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: All right? Well, thank you all so much for being
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: on today and for giving us lots of stories about
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: your personal lives and what all of that meant to you.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: I really appreciate that.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: Thank you for having us. We appreciate your your asking
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: us to be here.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: Well, good conversation, and look look for that book. It's
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: called You Don't Have to Achieve to Be Loved by
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: Becca Peers p E A R C E. And her
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: website was more m O R e Becca Pierce dot com.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: That's where you can find the information about what she does,
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: the talks that she gives and things, and also to
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: find her book. Hopefully that this may be a wake
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: up call for some of you listening in. All of
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: us need a chance, at different times our life to
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: step back from the rat race and the and the
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: uh on the hamster cage. If you will just sit
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: back and give a sense of am I am I
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: where I want to be? Am I doing what I
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: want to do?
• 31:37
  Speaker 4: Uh?
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: The other is just a chance to maybe make some changes.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: Maybe not but maybe, but you won't do that unless
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: you slow down enough to check in, have some a
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: sense of self awareness. So I hope maybe this is
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: good wake up call for some of you listening to this.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: I'll be back here as always with the brand new podcast,
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: a brand new topic you know in a week and
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: uh passes on to your friends, pass on to people
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: you know, and I'll see you back here in a week.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for stopping by.
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah m hm.