Latest / The Trauma Therapist / Episode 749: Getting Back In The Game with Colleen Ryan-Hensley

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Episode 749: Getting Back In The Game with Colleen Ryan-Hensley · The Trauma Therapist

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Or welcome back to the Trauma Faverist podcast. My name is Gaming Person.
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My mission is to help trauma therapist be their incredible cells, to be human,
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to be real, not just a clinician. I'm a big believer in
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who we are is more important than what we know, and this requires cultivating
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authenticity, genuineness, and vulnerability, and that requires intention. Can learn more
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about my courses and workshops by going to the Trauma Therapist project dot com.
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That's the Trauma Therapist Project dot com. Let's get started. Five or three,
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two and one, our folks, welcome back to the podcast. Very
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excited to have us. My guests today Colleen Ryan Hensley, Colleen, welcome,
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Thanks guy, thanks for having me. You are welcome so. Colleen
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Ryan Hensley is a ten year Navy veteran, an advocate from mental health,
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an expert, and mental toughness who created the online educational resource Binging Sober.
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Colleen struggled with depression since she was a teenager, and instead of expressing her
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feelings and getting help, she was taught quote to rub some dirt on it
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and get back in the game. To cope with depression, she started drinking
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and going on long runs to escape the things that hurt her. When she
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joined the navy, she brought this mental toughness and physical toughness with her.
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Sure it was the perfect combo for being a great sailor, but not so
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great for relationships, help, and overall well being. Was until well after
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her navy days that she started focusing more on the feelings that she kept bottled
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up and peeling by the decades of toughness she had built up around her.
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Today, she shows others how to avoid making these costly decisions and live a
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balanced life where escape and reality can live in harmony. Colleen, Welcome,
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Thanks gus So before we go in here, share with the listeners where you're
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from originally and where you are currently. I am from a little town called
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Cologne, about ten miles west of Atlantic City, New Jersey. Oh cool,
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Okay, South Jersey. Where are you living now? I'm outside of
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Houston. I'm just southwest of Houston in a beautiful, beautiful city called Richmond.
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We've been here for about six months. I've spent most of the last
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decade in North Texas. Okay, all right, So how the heck did
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all this start? For you? All of what? Guy? How did
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we get here? How did you get here? Quite a long story.
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Yeah, let's go. I'm ready. So, as you said, I
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did suffer a lot with depression as a teenager. I you know, it
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was the mid eighties. We weren't really talked, we weren't really having these
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conversations. Guy, like, nobody was talking about this. I thought as
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a teenager that there was something wrong. I'm giving air quotes for those who
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can't see me wrong. If I had to see a counselor right at that
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point, my parents didn't know what was wrong with me. Nobody really knew.
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Um My my parents marriage was on the rocks for a while for a
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lot of my childhood. And it was actually when when they decided to separate
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that things got better at home. That was around the time I started using
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alcohol. I would hit my dad's cash that he left in the in the
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basement to feel better. I thought, I was, you know, trying
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to feel better. Obviously that doesn't work very well oppression, and it wasn't.
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It wasn't long after my father left that my grandfather passed away. Now
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I was inspired by his c stories. That's why I eventually joined the Navy.
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I always always wanted to um, and he passed away unexpectedly, and
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he was my you know, main male role model, and I really just
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didn't know what to do with any of these feelings, UM, and so
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leaning out alcohol more. Thankfully, I discovered long distance running aroun on the
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same time. How old were you at this point? Fourteen fifteen? Okay,
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let me just interjectify me. So are you? And I know it's
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hard and difficult to make correlations like this, but are you correlating your your
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depression to what was going on at home? Um? Yes, And I
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think really, you know, I was making it now. Of course I
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can see I was making it worse with the drinking. I was making it
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worse by avoiding these things and not you know, talking about them. But
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yeah, yeah, okay, okay, yeah, all right, proceed please
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Okay. So I found long distance running. It actually came after a fight
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with my mom. I just put on my running shoes and took off and
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that was the first time I ran over probably three miles. I ran about
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well, I remember like it was five seconds ago because I felt so much
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better afterwards, and I just continued to run. So that was a big
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thing that I was leaning on at the time for my own mental health really,
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since I wasn't you know, getting any other support because I didn't,
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I didn't know how to. I didn't you know, like I said,
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we weren't really talking about that sort of thing. So it wasn't until I
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was twenty one that I really felt mentally and physically like tough enough to join
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the Navy. I hadn't let that go. I was distracted for a while
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with boyfriends and things and you know, more drinking and partying in my social
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life. But I did. I joined the Navy at twenty one and really
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adopted the toughness of the Navy. I really embraced that culture and was a
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was a great sailor at that point. I'd started using visualization and all these
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mental skills before I joined the before I went to boot camp to like prepare
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myself to boot camp. I really I didn't really know what I was doing
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at the time, but that's what I was doing. Well. The drunken
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sailor stereotype is very very accurate, or was it that. I can't speak
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for the Navy right now, but I can speak for you know, the
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late nineties when I joined, and you know, as a self culture of
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society. We can talk about the you know, excess and access to alcohol
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and the you know, acceptance of it socially, and I mean, I
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imagine it's probably pretty similar still in the Navy these days. And the culture
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you know, really just kind of added to my already, you know,
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my use of alcohol. When I was twenty two, so about twenty two
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years ago, twenty three years ago, I got really drunk at a party
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with most of the people that I knew were there there. There was about
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half and half, so half people that I knew and then a whole bunch
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of people that I didn't, And I experienced a sexual assault that I took
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full responsibility for because I had so much to drink, didn't I didn't report
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it. I faced the people the next training day that we had. I
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told them to forget about it, just like I would, and didn't think
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about it for fifteen years. I mean that that's how far pushed it away.
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M Okay, yeah, Navy career. When you say you you took
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full responsibility for it, what do you mean, I in the moment because
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I blacked out, woke up the next day. Um, I was still
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in the house where all of these people were I was alone. I woke
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up realized what had happened. Um, I was incredibly hungover. I'm still
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very you know, disoriented, but it was this like, I'm not going
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to jeopardize any of what is going on in you know, my life right
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now, my Navy career by reporting this. I'm this is this is on
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me. Nobody forced me to drink that much like I did it myself.
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I lost all of my control, I lost all of my awareness, so
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that that I just put on myself. So you blamed yourself for their sexualation
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for myself. Yep. Yeah. And like I said, I I faced
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the guys that were at the party the next training day, which was I
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think that was like a Saturday or a Sunday, So it was that Monday
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that I walked into their classroom, had a very big, kind of grow
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growing up moment like I'm gonna, you know, just face this right now,
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and told them that I didn't want to hear anybody talking about it,
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and that I was going to forget about it, and I wanted them to
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That's the last I thought about it. That's the last I thought about it
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until I got out into the Navy. Um. Wow, yeah, okay,
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no, that until I got out of the Navy. That was when
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I started experiencing flashbacks and things. So prior to that did and even crossed
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my mind. If it did, it was so quick, but you know,
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I don't, I don't know. I couldn't tell you my Navy career
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is fantastic after that I did. You know, from this side of it,
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I can see how much that really created or emphasized this toughness, like
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this tough exterior my attitude toward the people that I worked with on chips and
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I was extremely professional. I wouldn't cross any kind of For example, I
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was very bubbly, very bubbly and positive, but since that can be misinterpreted,
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I became very stoic, very just forthright business. If anybody got out
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of line around me, I would make them know that I wasn't going to
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deal with that. That was my boundary. And so you know, in
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hindsight, I can see how much that impacted me in maybe even making you
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know, the next ten years easier in a way because I had that tough
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exterior, so I wouldn't let a lot of that, you know, any
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of that happened around me anymore. And I stopped drinking as much, especially
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when I traveled. It was when I was in at home in Port that
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I would still party, party, party, So that has to do with
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hashtag, binging sober. What I'm sharing right now with you know the world
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is that I discovered kind of by I won't say by accident, but it
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was my time at sea and this drastic difference in quality of life and clearheadedness
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that I experienced when I didn't have access to these things that I was using
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to escape alcohol or beyond that, you know, all of these other mind
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numbing, unhealthy habits that we tend to lean on. So it was a
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process that I took with me outside of the military. I would start to
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essentially pretend like I was at sea because I realized I was longing for or
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that that mental state that I experienced out there. Now, sure we can
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talk about the calmness in the peace and the serenity of the ocean, but
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a large majority of that time I was locked inside the ship. We were
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in combat cent So you're not like, you know, relaxing in the on
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a sudden you know, deck in your in your lounge chair, you're inside
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of worship. So you know, there was pieces of that. But so
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at what point, Colleen, did you begin to realize the did you begin
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to become symptomatic? Did you begin to realize that you were experiencing symptoms?
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How soon after you got out, Um, it was within I would say
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a couple of years. It took it still took a while, and it
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was just little little flashbacks at first. Yeah, when I started therapy,
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because I am a huge mental health advocate, I was studying performance psychology,
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that's my degrees in performance psychology, methods for peak performance, very strength based
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stuff. But I really you know, I started professional counseling, like with
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a therapist pretty soon after, probably within a year of the military. But
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I was really focused on, Okay, I need more structure in my life.
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Let's talk about goal setting, let's you know, like that kind of
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stuff. Because I missed that structure, I missed the mission, you know,
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the big mission of the military, you know, feeling that camaraderie and
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that sense of purpose. So that was really the stuff that I was working
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on. And of course we all know that we can go to therapy with
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this you know, hey, this goal. But we started peeling back the
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layers and that is when, like, once I started working through all this
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stuff on top, that's when the flashbacks really started coming in and ruining my
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sleep, like night yerrors and you know, flashbacks during the day, and
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then it's still guy. Took me another couple of years working with the same
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therapist for me to even say it to her. Okay, So at what
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point did your therapist say, he or she you know what something is underlying
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this? Did some did she he or she ask you? Okay, well,
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Hobby that you ask that because I was asked when I got out of
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the military. You know, we have to do outprocessing and I saw a
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psychiatrist and that psychiatrist asked me. And when she did and I know this
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now, but I didn't think about it at the time, she asked me
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if I'd ever been harassed or assaulted in the Navy, and I said,
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well, that depends on your perspective what that means. And she was like,
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I said, I didn't let anybody, you know, get under my
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skin, essentially, And so it was that it was that mental toughness or
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idea of mental toughness, and that rubs some dirtal I get back in the
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game. That really blocked me from healing for a very very long time.
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That's why it's been, you know, part of my mission or my main
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mission to read defying what that means, because going back and healing is the
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tough part, right. So I was seeing that my counselor for a while
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and it was actually I had taken I almost told her, and then I
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stopped seeing her for about a year. Now, there were other things going
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on in my life. I became a full time caregiver for my father in
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law at that point, and so I was I was still continuing counseling,
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but I was seeing somebody more of like the caregivers support side of things.
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And also it was very protective because I didn't want to become a victim.
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I didn't want to say, hey, I was assaulted, I was raped.
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I mean, it was so hard for me to say the R word
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for so long. And so when I did go back to her, about
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a year later, when I did go back to her, because I was
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ready. Now, you know, I just experienced taking care of someone who
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was who eventually passed away. So it was a very you know, existential
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experience for me, and I knew I needed to continue to heal. And
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so when I went back to her with the first thing, I remember it
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like it was two seconds ago. I said, do you remember what I
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asked you or what I told you before I before I saw it before I
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left last time. And she said, yes, you said that you may
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have been raped in the Navy. I never said that, guy, I
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said, I think I might have been taken advantage of because I couldn't say
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the words. But when she said that, I was like, oh,
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oh my gosh. You know, it was like this moment and then I've
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said it back to her, and that was a very healing for me just
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to even say it, like it was just like a million pounds had left
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my body. I became like a totally different person. But it helped me.
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As she had learned she started studying internal family systems parts work, and
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that I really related to, Like I was really out of all the modalities
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and things that I know experimented with over a time with different therapists. It
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was that it was parts work that really about that. Well. I have
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always been a visual person, Like I said, I you know, practice
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imagery before I went into boot camp, So I've always had, you know,
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that skill, I developed that over time, and so when she said
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that, it's like, it's like I I'd already been familiar with the different
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parts that I felt that were inside of me, and so when she said
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that, I felt like, oh my gosh, that makes total sense.
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Like I just really really really grabbed onto that. And so it also helped
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me with the trauma to see it as just another part that I could honor
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and heal and kind of put outside of me, Like, right, you
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can explain to that. I well, I didn't have to identify with it.
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Mean for me, I really appreciate what you're saying, and I really
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likes because I find a lot of kind of comfort and solace and saying it's
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it's this part of me too, it's not all of me. It parted
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me over here. Yeah. Yeah, I've been ever since I've been using
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parts work and it's changed my life. It's really wow. All right,
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let's just pause here for a second to thank our sponsors. All Right,
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we are back. So first of all, I just want to really say
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how much I appreciate you coming on here and sharing this your story. It's
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really intense, I mean, and to see how you were able to kind
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of compartmentalize to survive. I mean, you survived. At what point did
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you say to yourself, Okay, you know what, I want to create
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this program binging Sober. How did that come about? You know, I
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left the Navy about twelve years ago, which is insane to me, but
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I was in. I've been out now longer than I was in. I
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was in from US eleven and so throughout, you know, my own healing
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journey. The process that i've now and I'm calling hashtag binging sober is something
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that I've practiced myself and it's helped me alongside professional therapy and sometimes you know,
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breaks during breaks from therapy, so in between, it's really helped me
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gain awareness, control, and balance of those escapisms that I think a lot
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of times we just habitually lean on and don't see how they're impacting our mental
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health and don't see how they're impacting our energy and so over time, and
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especially during the pandemic, that's when I was like, Okay, there is
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something to this, and I really really think it needs to be shared and
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on this other I don't want to say the other side of healing, but
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I really do. You know, obviously I'm still managing depression. I manage
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PTS, but it's I've used this process to help me manage that, and
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so I believe that it's these, you know, the habitual use of mind
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numbing, unhealthy escapisms that is the biggest threat to our mental health as a
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society because these things are so available in excess, and they're so socially acceptable
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that we don't often stop and question the use of them. So with binging
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sober is you want to bring light to our use of this, and so
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be specific about what you wanted to do when you said, okay, I
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want to create this program. So I've always leaned on alcohol, as I've
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said, and it took those those periods of sobriety at sea and then beyond
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the Navy. Like I said I would, I would practice that. I
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would say, hey, maybe I'll lay off of this for a while and
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get some of that clarity back to my life. Well, then I noticed
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all these other things that I was using, and what television I love love
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horror and thriller, you know TV shows and and uh and movies. Well
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that would trigger a lot of time nightmares for me and destroy my sleep,
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which would lead into you know, caffeine abuse, you know, and would
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lead into other things. And guy, I mean I there were multiple times
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that I I mean throughout my life, I you know, have have struggled
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with suicide, ideation, suicidal thoughts, and I you know, that's one
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of the things that we really need to talk about more. You know what
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you're doing, I greatly appreciate it. I mean, all of these things
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need to be normalized so people feel okay talking about them. And um,
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I mean I lied every time a therapist asked me that question until I found
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parts work, until I was able to see it as not this whole part,
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you know, just a part of me. And so um so in
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hashtag binging sober. It's really about, like I said, gaining awareness,
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control and balance of these things that are draining our energy and using and replacing
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them with other things that restore our energy, you know, natural escape.
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And I mean, you know, for all of this, it's like okay,
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yeah, I get it, Like there's we can work out, we
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can eat well, we can you know, all of these different you know,
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wellness tactics. But it's one thing to know them and then another thing
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to make it, to do them and make it an objective like self intervention,
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ongoing practice toward longstanding change. And that's so that's what it's about.
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And at some point, too, right, we have to realize that we
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are utilizing these things as distractions. But but also at some point we have
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to take the magnifying glass with the light and look at, maybe for the
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first time, what we have haven't looked at in years. Yeah, and
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that's really hard. Who is who is binging sober? For? It's for
22:07
everyone, everyone, especially since the pandemic. You know, I'm sure you've
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seen the stats on depression, anxiety, um, you know, suicide.
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These numbers are just out of control. And and you just said it,
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you know, we're so distracted. With that distraction comes a lack of connection
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to ourselves, to everybody else. Isolation and loneliness are through the roof right
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now and wreaking havoc further havoc on our mental health, our brain health,
22:36
or you know, ever everything. And so really it's for you know,
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it's for anyone that finds themselves saying, hey, time is flying by,
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I don't feel good about you know, what I'm doing with my time?
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You know, it's it's for all of those people out there that are that
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the sober curious who are questioning, you know, their relationship with alcohol.
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That movement is huge right now. I love it, and they're questioning the
23:02
relationship with alcohol. But I would take it one step further, and let's
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question our relationship with Paul of these mind numbing habits. Now. Of course,
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alcohol is very toxic inherently with all of these other things that were abusing
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and overusing that are destroying our health and our mental health just as much and
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a lot of times happened along with the abuse of the alcohol and other things.
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I'm wondering, I'm curious about if other women veterans have reached out to
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you and your story is in a sense frightening, I mean and sad that
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you had to endure that you had to shove that down. I mean a
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lot of people shove down their trauma, but and did it for years.
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But you did. You had It's almost like you had to. I you
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know, in the moment, I didn't even consider like what I was doing.
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Obviously, I was in my iously hung I was very young, and
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I knew that, you know, I was where I wanted to be in
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my life. And that was just this isolated incident that you know, I
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again, guy, I really at this point. The reason that that is
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such a huge part of this story with hashtag binging sober is the mental toughness.
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Like our idea as a society of what it means to be tough is
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half baked, and it's not good. We are excusing or we are we
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are not embracing half of the spectrum of emotions. These these things that we
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consider negative and bad, and these things that we yes, they're very painful
24:52
to face, but that's only because we've made it not a natural part of
24:56
life or a natural part of living a whole life. And so yes,
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it's important to have resilience, and that's where our focus has been with mental
25:03
toughness is resilience, resilience in the face of stress. That's very very important.
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This country, especially right now, is very stressful. The world,
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you know, living in life, this very living life is challenging and stressful.
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So it's important to have that resilience. Would imagine if we all felt
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comfortable, if it was just the way we did things. Is to go
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back and process and process those that residual energy, the trauma, the pain.
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What we're perceiving as negative. Oh my gosh, I don't want to
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go back there. Well, that's where our beautiful life is. That's what
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I've discovered in all of this healing, is that that mental toughness kept me
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from it helps me repress it, and it kept me from facing it for
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so long. And when I finally did you know it, almost that became
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addictive in of itself, like, oh what else can I uncover and fix?
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Because that felt really good, Like I am living a life that I
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have never lived in my forties because I got rid of that that weight,
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that pressure, that just huge block in my life. It was destroying my
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relationships. I was not a nice person after that. After the rape,
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I was not a nice person. I don't like the person I became because
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of it. But I didn't realize it at the time, you know,
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And a lot of us are walking around with with that, with this toxic
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you know, pain living inside of us because we're scared to go back,
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going back and healing it is the tough part that should be mental toughness,
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both of them together, the resilience and the processing of the pain. Yeah,
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beautifully, you said there, what would you say to someone who maybe
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is in your same position. Maybe they're in the services right now. Yeah,
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what would have happened had you reported that at that time. It's so
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tough to say because things have definitely changed in the military since then, But
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it would have changed a lot of my direction. I was top in my
27:12
class in a very highly technical job. They had already spent tons of money
27:18
training me, Like, I was very excited to finally go to a ship
27:21
which was coming soon, and it would have it would have been a long
27:26
investigation. It would have been who knows, guy, I mean, there's
27:30
so many different I don't know now. In not too much later, within
27:34
a couple of years, another female on my ship was involved in a situation
27:38
that there's still a lot of you know, question marks around, but I
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mean it impacted her entire career. She ended up leaving the Navy pretty soon
27:48
after. And so you know, there's just no way to really know how
27:52
the specific leadership would have dealt with it. There's just no way. And
27:56
I guess from an outsider's perspective, that's kind of the scary part because in
28:00
a sense, I would it seems like, well, if you do report
28:06
it, you know what's going to screw things up, but you don't know
28:08
what the healing process is going to look like, right, Yeah, yeah,
28:12
you know that it's potentially ruin your career. Yeah. Now, there's,
28:17
like I said, a lot has changed since then. I know that
28:18
there has been a lot of policy changes. I'm not I know that they
28:25
were working on making it so civilian systems would deal with those specific cases so
28:33
it didn't have to stay within the military and wasn't necessarily going to impact your
28:37
career. That's that sort of stuff. Okay, So to get back to
28:41
my question, what would you say to someone who maybe is in that position
28:47
now, like in the military right now, Oh my gosh, it's so
28:51
much easier now to get mental health support. Before you had to report it
28:56
to your command. Like if I were to see somebody, I would have
28:59
to report it to my command. That is no longer the case. So
29:03
if I, you know, were to tell someone you know that's in that
29:08
position, well, first of all, guy, what if they're repressing it
29:11
and they don't you know, they could be repressing it and not know.
29:15
So same story, I would say, hey, go get some support.
29:19
I wish I mean, it's my dream for everyone to be more proactive and
29:22
preventative with mental health because right now, I think, and I mean,
29:27
what's your you know, opinion on this, I feel like the that we
29:30
wait too long and end up in crisis, like that's not the time to
29:34
seek mental health, Like if we all had the support prior to which again,
29:41
if that were just the way we were doing things, I mean,
29:44
that's obviously a kind of a pipe dream. I mean there's a lot of
29:47
things involved in that insurance and you know, the system and all of these
29:49
things. So but I would I would, I I would hope that you
29:56
know, if they maybe think that something happened or if they know that,
30:00
they would seek outside mental health professional And Okay, awesome there speaking with Colleen
30:08
Ryan Hensley. Um, what's the best way for people to get in contact
30:12
with you? Colleen? The easiest way of binging sober dot com. You'll
30:17
find you'll find links to my socials, you'll have a contact form you can
30:22
write to me. Okay, and so if someone is interested, who who
30:27
should come to binging Sober. Well, right now it's it's no cost access
30:33
for you know, at least through March. I'm going to keep all of
30:37
the content accessible forever and ever, anyone who is questioning their relationship with any
30:44
of these mind numbing escapisms that you think are you know, might be impacting
30:48
your life, let's go ahead and investigate that, because it's it's it's life
30:55
changing too, to look beneath the surface and pull apart those, you know,
31:00
those things that might be covering up your gorgeous life underneath real offering courses
31:07
or groups or what specifically. I do have a private Facebook group right now.
31:11
That's the community we have that will always be there, and coming into
31:15
the next few weeks, the point system is going to launch, so anybody
31:21
can go to binging sober dot com and access that as well. And that's
31:25
just a really objective way to measure these things that you're using and maybe overusing,
31:33
and discover how they're truly impacting your life and then create balance around it.
31:37
Appreciate that calling men super inspiring. I mean, thanks to hear your
31:42
Yeah, you're welcome to hear your story and to like, you know,
31:47
see you on the other side of it and like I'm going to put something
31:49
together to help people get through this crap. Ye intense stuff. Man,
31:56
Yeah, I thank you for having me. I appreciate all that you do
32:00
and just having these conversations. You know, twelve year old me is cheering
32:05
on our mental health community. That's like I get you know, all of
32:08
us. I'm so glad we're finally talking about these things and making this information
32:13
accessible. It's so important to the healing of ourselves in the world. Yeah,
32:17
yeah, I definitely appreciate it. Well, look, I'd love to
32:20
have you back at a later date, So kind about conversation and just thank
32:24
you so much for being here and coming on all right, thank you,
32:29
thank you so much for having me