Latest / The Ben Maller Show / The Fifth Hour: Fix It Maller

Transcript

The Fifth Hour: Fix It Maller · The Ben Maller Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Kaboom!
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, 1,200 minutes a
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: week was enough.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Think again.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: He's the last remnants of the old republic, a sole
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: bastion of fairness. He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: the same as the rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: The clearinghouse of hot takes break free for something special.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: In the air everywhere, the Fifth Hour with me, Ben Malle.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: You already knew that. Welcome into the remote pod studio
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: from a secret location far, far away, yet literally in
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: your eardrum. So there is that. On this edition of
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: the Fifth Hour, the Saturday special, the 17th day of October,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: the 290th day of the year. There are just 75
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: days left. That's it. That's all. 75 days left in
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: the year 2026. On this edition, we have the Fonzie Fix,
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: the Headlight Gripe. We begin celebrating, though, National Pasta Day.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: That's right, National Pasta Day, a day to celebrate in
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: America one of the world's most beloved comfort foods. Did
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: you know there are more than 300... recognized official pasta shapes,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: and the average American, it is estimated, on National Pasta Day,
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: will eat roughly 20 pounds of pasta over the course
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: of a given year. So here's a holiday dedicated to carbohydrates.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: And I got to give pasta credit. Pasta is proof
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: that you can take flour and water and And as
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: long as you twist it into 300 different shapes, you
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: will convince men, women, and children that they're eating something
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: completely different. Of course, I understand the sauce. You change
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: the sauce. I like a nice fettuccine alfredo, which is
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: like a fat spaghetti. That's what I like. And pasta
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: is the ultimate comfort food. It's basically an edible weighted blanket,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: which is great. Now, I should point out, that pasta
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: was not invented by Marco Polo. When I was a kid,
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: I was told that. And even as a young adult
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: back in the day, I was told that. However, contrary
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: to the popular myth, our friends in Italy, the Italians,
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: were eating pasta long before Marco Polo returned from China
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: to in the late 1200s. Thomas Jefferson, we've talked about
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: this on the podcast before, that Thomas Jefferson helped popularize
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: macaroni in America. He really loved the macaroni. He encountered
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: the pasta in his travels around Europe, and Thomas Jefferson's like,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I got to bring macaroni to the new world there,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: the United States. He actually brought a macaroni-making machine back
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: to the United States in which must have been mind-blowing
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: at the time. What else do I have on pasta? Spaghetti.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: I don't speak Italian. Spaghetti apparently means little strings in Italian.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: It comes from spago, meaning string or twine. And in
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: the days before silverware, people would just eat animal style.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: They'd eat pasta with their hands. There are still some
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: animals that eat pasta with their hands. And that was
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: before forks became commonplace. You just, hey, want some pasta?
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Let's go for it. There you go. And why not? Now,
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: supposedly the legend on the interweb is that the fork,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: the modern fork, which is still used today, evolved partly
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: because of pasta. That long pasta encouraged people to use
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: forks with multiple tines because, you know, slippery noodle and
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: all that. I wonder if when the fork came around,
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: people didn't like the fork. They liked eating with their hands.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: I feel like I've talked about that at some point
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: on one of these many shows that I've done over
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: the years. I know when sliced bread came around, people
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: didn't like that. They liked to slice their own bread.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: They didn't want sliced bread. They felt like they were
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: getting ripped off and whatnot. One other note on pasta.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Al dente means to the tooth. Italians back in the day,
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: and I guess still to this day, prefer pasta cooked firm,
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: at least firm enough to offer a little bit of
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: resistance when bitten into. So al dente, to the tooth.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: It's National Mulligan Day today. If you're a golfer, you
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: know all about the mulligan, a celebration of second chances,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: a do-over after a terrible shot. The exact origin not confirmed.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: It's disputed. However, golfers have embraced it as an unofficial
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: excuse to erase their mistakes. And so there you go.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: It's National Edge Day today. That is a straight-edged movement,
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: a punk rock subculture that rejects alcohol, tobacco, and recreational drugs.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: That's a fun group. Also, it is National Playing Card
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: Collection Day. There are people that collect the 52-card deck
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: containing four suits and 13 ranks per suit. That's apparently
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: a thing. They have their own day. It's Wear Something
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: Gaudy Day today. Gaudy! A ridiculous holiday. It's not an
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: official holiday. It's not a government holiday. It's just a
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: weird holiday. And you're supposed to wear the loudest, flashiest,
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: and most outrageous clothing ever. Possible. I'm good on that.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: It is National Fetch Day today, so make sure to
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: play fetch. I cannot play fetch with my beloved dog, Moxie.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Moxie will just stare at me annoyed, wondering why the
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: F I am bothering her. And one final, final note
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: on this Saturday, and we'll get to the meat of
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: the podcast, on this date back in 1989. 1989. 1989.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: There was a World Series game played at Candlestick Park
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: in San Francisco. There used to be this team called
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: the Oakland Athletics. They were a very popular American League
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: baseball team until Rob Manford allowed them to leave Oakland
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: because he's a schmuck. And they played the Giants. They
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: called it the Bay Bridge Series, the Giants and the
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: Athletics in the World Series. And during batting practice... On
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: this date, 1989, the magnitude 6.9 Loma Prieta earthquake struck
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: northern California just before Game 3 of the World Series
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: between the Giants and the Athletics. The game was postponed.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: The Bay Bridge, part of it collapsed. It was a
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: debacle of all kinds of debacles, and I remember watching that.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: When I was a little boy, the Athletics won that
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: World Series, for what it's worth. A lot of terrible
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: things happening to our brothers and sisters there in the
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: Bay Area. Everything's been fixed. Just waiting for something else
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: to happen. All right, on this one, let's move on.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: So time for another Life of Malheur adventure. I'd like
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: to let those in the back of the room know,
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Life of Malheur Adventure on a Saturday. So there are
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: certain moments in life when you realize that society has
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: gone a bit too far. Now, we've got artificial intelligence.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: We've got self-driving cars. We've got billionaires trying to colonize Mars.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: We've got refrigerators that can tell you when you're running
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: low on milk. I don't know how that happens. And I,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: yours truly, cannot trim my beard. That's where we are
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: as a civilization. This past week, I received a couple
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: of emails from eagle-eyed consumers of the radio show who
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: are fans of the YouTube page at Ben Maller Show,
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: and they were concerned members of the Maller Militia. And
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: they were saying, hey, what's going on? Everything okay? Having
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: any problems? Are you growing a beard? Are you trying
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: to become Santa Claus? Now, first of all, I appreciate
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: your concern. I do. I'm not being a schmuck. I
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: think that's very kind. It's nice to know that there
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: are fans of the show that aren't a-holes. That pay
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: that close attention to another man's facial hair. Although, when
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: the listeners start monitoring the length of hair on your face...
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: like it's a developing tropical storm in the Gulf of Mexico,
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: you got problems. The people watching the YouTube channel, you people,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: you would notice something. I was becoming gray beard. Not
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: black beard. No, he's cool. Not blue beard. Gray beard.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: The world's least intimidating pirate. Yours truly. I looked like
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: a guy who had been stranded on a desert island
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: for six months, and I was surviving on coconuts, rainwater,
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: and some old protein bars from a package that was
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: on the island from Costco. Kirkland brand protein bars. And
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: here's the thing. I want to point out, this was
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: not intentional. Was not trying to make some kind of
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: fashion statement to make gray hair cool again. I wasn't
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: going through a midlife crisis. I wasn't auditioning for a
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: future Hallmark Christmas movie. We had technical difficulties. The beard
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: trimmer had died d-i-e-d died it quit no two-week notice
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: you're supposed to give a two-week notice no retirement ceremony
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: no farewell press conference bye-bye as dick and date would
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: say so after years of loyal service with really no
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: celebration you don't celebrate the beard clipper you don't realize
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: the beard clipper until you don't have the beard clipper.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: So this little electronic Benedict Arnold decided it had trimmed
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: its final whisker on yours truly, and suddenly I was
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: being held hostage by my facial hair. Let me explain.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: My lovely wife, my wife there, being a reasonable human being,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: I explained the situation, and she asked a reasonable question.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: She said, okay, what kind of replacement do you want?
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: A relatively simple question. You would think, but at times
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: I am not reasonable as a human being. I have
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: a very specific beard trimmer that I have used for many,
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: many years. Different versions of the same trimmer. I've used
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: this type for a long time. I like it. I
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: understand it. We have a relationship. One size, one attachment.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Do your job. That's it. So I don't need a
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: beard trimmer that comes with 18,000 accessories. Have you seen
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: these things? Yeah, it's all over. It's all over Amazon, Walmart,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: you name it. They come with 17 combs, nine blades,
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: three charging stations. You have the thingamajig for your nose
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: hair and for your privates, your junk, your twig and
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: berries or your other type of junk. You can cut
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: all that. There's a small attachment. for grooming a miniature schnauzer,
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: I believe. So my position is don't need it, don't
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: want it, not going to use it. Don't want to
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: assemble a Swiss Army knife every time I try to
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: trim my beard. I just don't want it. It's just
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: a simple thing. I do it once or twice a week,
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: usually once a week, trim the facial hair. I'm not
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: performing outpatient surgery here. It's simple. Apparently, my preferred model
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: has become about as popular as a fax machine or
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: pay phone, et cetera. It's like taking a fax machine
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: to a cryptocurrency convention. Well, that's not going to work.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: That's not going to work. Nobody carries it. I searched.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: I hunted. I investigated. And nothing. Then I looked more
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: and more. And finally, voila, I found one. Hail to victory.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: So very proudly, I sent the link with the information
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: to the wife who handles the purchasing department of the
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: Malheur household. She enjoys shopping online. I actually enjoy shopping
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: online unless I don't. I like going to the old
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: school brick and mortar shopping. Not an online guy. It's
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: a beautiful arrangement. A marriage built on love. Mutual respect
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: and my complete refusal to navigate the online checkout pages.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: So she gets back to me. Again, I'm the brick
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: and mortar guy. I go to the grocery store. That's
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: my thing. She's the online shopper. She gets back to me.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: Good news. They have it. Wonderful. Mazel tov. Bad news. Uh-oh.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: Bad news. It won't arrive until next week. Pause. Record scratch.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: Are you bloody out of your mind? Next week, that
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: must have been a mistake. Like, what are they doing?
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: Are they building this thing by hand in a cave
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: in Switzerland? Are they mining the metal? Is some kind
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: of monk personally blessing each blade of the razor? It's
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: a beard trimmer. I didn't order a Rolls Royce custom made. Now, meanwhile,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: my beard was expanding, kind of like the national dead,
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: And every morning I would wake up and I'd look
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: into the mirror and I would recoil. Who the F
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: is that guy? And why is that person in my bathroom?
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: Should I call the cops? And why does he look
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: like he sleeps behind a dumpster at a truck stop?
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: I hit the big three, bedraggled, frazzled, and disheveled. It
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: was ugly. The holy trinity of looking like hell on earth.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: And I did look like Santa Claus after a nasty
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: divorce who went on a bender. That's Santa Claus. Santa
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: after Mrs. Claus took the house, the sleigh, the custody
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: of the reindeer, the whole thing. Even Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: The North Pole had gone into foreclosure. It just had.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: I know JT the Wingman's like, what are you talking about, foreclosure?
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: And I was the last elf standing, JT the Wingman,
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: the last one. Now, I don't like looking like that.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: I don't think anyone does. I have enough problems with
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: the face I have been issued. So I got to
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: deal with that. I certainly don't need to add an
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: unauthorized forest of gray whiskers. However, I wanted that razor.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: So I waited, I waited, I waited. Then last Saturday,
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: a week ago, my wife was working yet another overtime shift,
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: leaving me an orphan at home. And I was home
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: alone with my thoughts. Always a dangerous thing. And I
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: decided I would become a handyman. Not just any handyman.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: I am talking Fix-It Felix-level handyman. Now, you might not remember,
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: but Fix-It Felix from the Wreck-It Ralph movies, the little
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: guy with the magic hammer who could repair anything. That
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: was going to be me. In my head, it was
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: Fix-It Mallor, the nocturnal colonel of home appliance repair. If
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: you've got a problem and you can't fix it and
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: nobody else is going to help, who are you going
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: to call? Fix-It Mallor. Now, you're Thinking most likely, well,
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: you just went to YouTube. That's all you did, you
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: big donkey. You went to YouTube. You watched a video.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: You maybe read something on AI, some tutorial. You know,
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: you said, hey, dear chat GPT Grok Gemini, my beard
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: trimmer stopped working. Please provide a 12-step troubleshooting guide. No,
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: it didn't happen. I took a different approach, an approach
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: passed down through the Malheur family to My grandfather, I
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: had one grandfather who worked in the clothing business. I
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: had another grandfather on my mom's side who was a plumber.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: And when you're a plumber, you've got to fix things.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: So somehow through the generations, something must have been passed
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: down to me. Something must have been passed down through me.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: My relatives and or I was just a frustrated American man.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: So I went into the bathroom and I was a
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: man on the mission. I picked up that broken beard trimmer,
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: which still hadn't been thrown out. I looked at it.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: It looked at me and I slammed it against the
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: side of the sink. Rat-a-tat-tat. Kaboom.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: Nothing.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Nothing. I'm getting upset. I'm like, well, that sucks. What's
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: up with that? So I hit it again. Bang! Again. Bang, bang!
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: This was not random violence. This was a highly sophisticated
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: engineering procedure. So in the engineering world, you might think
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: I'm just an overnight talk show host, but in the
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: engineering world, it's called... It's called maintenance. It's called, what's
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: the word I'm looking at? There's a term. It's called
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: the Russian repair method, I think it's called. That's the
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: scientific term for beating the crap out of something until
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: it works. You don't need a degree from MIT. You
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: don't need a toolbox. You need a malfunctioning appliance, a
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: hard surface, and a deeply unhealthy amount of confidence. And
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: then something miraculous happened. I pressed the button. It worked. Now,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: just between us, in my head, I was on the
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: stage saying, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we have
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: witnessed an electronic resurrection, a modern miracle. Lazarus has risen.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: The beard trimmer had returned from the dead. Somewhere, Thomas
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: Edison was applauding. And I stood there holding this magnificent
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: piece of machinery like I had just discovered electricity. I'd
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: fixed it. Me, a man whose mechanical expertise... normally consists
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: of knowing which end of the screwdriver to hold. And
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: I did it. Without watching a single instructional video, hand
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: to God, without consulting a chat bot, without calling customer service,
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: Without spending 45 minutes on hold, listening to smooth jazz.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I had defeated technology with brute force. Mallor muscle. It
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: was glorious. And it reminded me of when I was
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: a kid, my parents would watch this TV show called
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Happy Days. I know you're getting old, Mallor. But it
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: was a show called Happy Days. And I remembered a
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: scene from that. You remember the Fonz, Fonzie? So the
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: Fonz would walk up to a broken jukebox and give
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: it one perfectly placed whack, and suddenly the music would
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: start playing. That was called the Fonzie fix. Arthur Fonzarelli
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: didn't need tech support. He had leather. He had swag
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: and confidence and mojo and a fist, and I had
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: none of those things. But I did have a bathroom sink,
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: which is close enough. And now, thanks to a little
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: malar mechanical encouragement, my trimmer was back in business. And
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: there it was. I shaved off the Santa beard. Bye-bye beard.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: See you later, gray beard. Goodbye, Father Christmas. Goodbye, audition
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: for the lead role in Homeless Man No. 3. Didn't
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: need that. My brief experiment in Skid Row cosplay had
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: officially ended. And I could look in the mirror again
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: without wondering whether someone was going to offer me a
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: nice sandwich and directions to the nearest shelter. And my
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: favorite part, I had saved money. I'd saved an appliance
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: from the landfill. I'd saved my face from becoming a
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: protected wildlife habitat. And that's the rule of three right there.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: That saved money. saved this thing from going to the landfill,
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: and saved my face from becoming a protected wildlife habitat. Now,
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: I realize some, some of you are going to criticize
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: my repair technique. Oh, Mallor, you could have damaged the
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: internal components of the broken razor. You could have damaged
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: your sink. Really? Listen, in terms of the razor... Who
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: gives a flying you-know-what? The thing was already broken. What
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: was I going to do? Break it more? Was it
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: going to become super-duper broken? Was the beard trimmer going
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: to file a worker's comp grievance against me? Please. We
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: live in a world where everything requires a software update,
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: a subscription, three passwords, and if you don't use the passwords,
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: you need a Bluetooth connection to Your toothbrush wants to
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: communicate with your phone. Your washing machine wants access to
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: your Wi-Fi. Your refrigerator would like to know your birthday
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: for no reason at all. And there's even ads that
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: pop up on your refrigerator in some places. And here's me,
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: fixing electronics by smacking them against porcelain. And take that,
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: modern world. Now, sometimes the old ways are the best ways.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: And I've now decided to turn the remarkable talent that
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: I have into a little bit of side hustle. So
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: I'd like to introduce, for the first time ever, I'm
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: going to workshop this, the official Malheur Mechanical Services. I'd
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: like to introduce you to the Malheur Mechanical Services, the
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: repair team of the Malheur Militia. So if you have
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: a broken remote control, your remote control is on the fritz,
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: who are you going to call? Well, you're going to
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: call the Malheur Mechanical Services. Send it on over. Your
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: television acting up? I'll give it the motivational kick it needs.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: Your laptop frozen, that little thing spinning around? I'll introduce
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: it to a wall. Cell phone won't charge? No problem.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: I'll conduct a private counseling session between the phone and
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: a kitchen countertop. No appointments necessary. No complicated diagnostic tests.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: No warranty. Absolutely no refunds. And if your appliance... Whatever
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: it is doesn't come back to life. Well, you were
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: going to replace it anyway, so who the F cares?
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: That is the beauty of the Malheur business model. And again,
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Malheur Mechanical Services, MMS, that's the way to go. That's it.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: There really is no downside, because if it doesn't get repaired,
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: you're going to get rid of it anyway, and that's
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: the magic. Now, for me... And if it works, I'm
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: a genius. If it doesn't, the equipment was defective and
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: all that before I got there. I call that a win-win.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: I call that a win-win. So a new beard trimmer
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: is still on the way. I would like to point
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: that out. It's somewhere out there traveling through the great
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: American delivery system, probably being passed between 17 warehouses and
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: a guy named Steve. who lives in Albuquerque. Now, when
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: it arrives, I will have a backup because I am
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: not foolish enough to believe that my original trimmer has
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: been permanently cured of its illness. I have simply frightened
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: said beard trimmer into a temporary cooperation situation. It's working
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: under duress. Every morning, I pick it up. We have
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: a little conversation. Are we going to have any problems?
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: It buzzes. Good. I'm glad we understand each other. That's
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: how you establish dominance, the alpha, over a household item.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: And the next time something electronic stops working, remember the
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: wisdom of the fonts. Remember the Russian repair method. Remember
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: Fix-It Mallor, because sometimes the solutions, to a complicated tech
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: problem is not artificial intelligence. It's artificial intimidation, little malar muscle,
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: no hocus pocus, just focus. And if that doesn't work,
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: just hit it again. That's it. Just hit it again.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: All right. Last thing here. And I want to keep
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: the theme of the hour going here, the fifth hour.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: So there are certain things in life that should not
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: be complicated. For example, I'm not a breakfast person. You
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: might be. You go in to cook breakfast. You have
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: a couple of slices of bread. You want to put
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: them in the toaster or some English muffins or whatever
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: it might be. And turning on a toaster should not
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: be complicated. Flushing a toilet, picking up your car from
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: the repair shop, expecting it to function like an automobile. Apparently,
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: that is asking for too much. Welcome to a bonus chapter.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: In the life of Mahler, if you're still listening to this,
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: you get a gold star. Most people don't listen this long.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: So the latest bonus chapter in the life of Mahler,
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: where the problems are minuscule, the grievances are enormous, and
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: the blood pressure medication working overtime. So let's go back
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: not that long ago. The Mahler mobile had a nervous
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: breakdown recently. There were lights flashing, buzzers buzzing, warning messages
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: popping up on the dashboard like a slot machine at
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: the Bellagio. And I thought, well, hey, I've won the jackpot.
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: I didn't know you could win a jackpot in the Mallarmobile.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: I've apparently won a jackpot. That's good. Well, it turns
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: out the car was just having some kind of midlife crisis. Now, fortunately,
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: we were still under warranty, barely. The warranty was hanging
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: on by its fingernails like a carbon, you know, some
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: kind of... carbon nonsense cartoon thing dangling off a cliff.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: I don't even know what that is. We dropped the
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: car off. We got a loaner car, a rental, and
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: we waited. And then we waited again and again and again.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: And yeah. So the dealership called. Good news. Good news.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: Good news. We need a part. The part has now
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: been sent. It's been sent, or it's in the process
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: of being sent, I believe is what they said. We're
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: not quite there yet. Don't worry, though. The part's going
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: to be delivered, and we'll get that. We'll be good
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: to go. All right. So then they get the part,
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: and the patient survived the surgery. The car was doing
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: all right. The mallet mobile was ready for discharge. We
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: returned the rental. and that would be me. I returned
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: the rental, reclaimed our beloved Mallarmobile transportation, and I was
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: in charge, and I drove home, and everything seemed perfectly
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: fine until the nightmare. I got into the car, started driving,
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: and suddenly realized I was operating a submarine. Total darkness.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: Headlights weren't on. Why? Because the repair shop had turned
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: off the automatic headlights again. Now, I understand the explanation.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: Technicians disable certain electrical features to avoid draining the battery
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: while they're performing their repairs, which is fine. It's wonderful.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: God bless the mechanics. These people understand computers, the diagnostics
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: of the car, the electrical systems, all that stuff. where
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: cars are made with all the bells and whistles. And
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: they're not made to last. They're made to last a
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: few years and then get new stuff. And so these
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: cars have things I could not even begin to figure out.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: You give me a flashlight, a YouTube tutorial, and a
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: couple of engineers, and I still would have no idea.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: But here's my question. And I believe it's a legitimate question.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: I would like to run it by you. Why can't
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: you turn the headlights back on? Is it that difficult?
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: It's a switch. It's a frickin' switch. Not the launch
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: codes to a nuclear submarine, Stevie Meatballs. Not the combination
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: of Fort Knox, Kathy in Madison. Not the secret formula
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: of Coca-Cola, Eileen in San Francisco, or Jill in Minnesota.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: One little twist. That's it. Click. Automatic headlights. Society is restored. Instead,
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: they hand you the keys. They smile. They send you
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: into the darkness like Christopher Columbus looking for India. And
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: here's why this particular automotive inconvenience sends me into orbit.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: To the moon! Now, if you've been with the show
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: a long time, you know years ago in a land far,
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: far away... I got burned by this tech. I got burned.
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: So years ago, I had another Mallarmobile, and I went
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: to the repair shop. I picked it up during the daylight.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: I then drove it to the Fox Sports Radio studios,
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: parked it in the garage. I prepared for the show.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: I did the overnight show. Wonderful. Now, after the show,
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: I climbed into the car and headed home. I turned
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: left out of the FSR compound. I stopped at a
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: red light, which was half a block down. I then
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: got flashed by some kind of cop who was across
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: the intersection. I made my right turn, and about a
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: block and a half later, cherry tops.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: L.A.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: 's finest, the LAPD. Apparently, I was driving without headlights.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: I explained the situation. I said, officer. The repair shop
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: gave me the car back. I drove this afternoon. I
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: got into the building I work at right over there,
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: and the repair shop turned off my automatic lights. I
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: had no idea. And the officer looked at me like
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: I had just claimed my dog was doing the driving.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: There was not a single ounce of sympathy. There was
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: no understanding. Now, I'd always been told by friends with cops,
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: and a lot of the cops have told me over
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: the years, the only reason we pull people over when
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: they don't have their lights on, is it's more likely
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: than not, more likely than not, that they're drunk. I said, fine.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: I get it. I completely get it. Okay. Well, I
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: wasn't drunk. I was just doing a radio show, which, oh,
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: by the way, back then we replayed an hour, so
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: the hour was again on the air. So I was
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: in the car, and I'm getting pulled over, and I'm
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: on the radio. Well, that's not good. So I didn't
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: get Any kind of sympathy or understanding, as I said,
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: no complimentary roadside muffin, blueberry muffin, just a ticket. $ 400 ticket,
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: $ 400 American dollars, because somebody at the repair shop couldn't
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: rotate a plastic knob a quarter inch. That is not
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: a traffic citation. That is a car payment. And naturally,
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: that money went into the great Los Angeles municipal money blender.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: where $ 400 disappears faster than common sense at a city
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: council meeting. The potholes remain. The sidewalks continue to crumble.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: The problems multiply. There's a bunch of people all over
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: the place, all hooked on the fentanyl. However, thank goodness
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: they caught the dangerous, balding man driving home from an
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: overnight radio show, public enemy number one, society a much
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: better place, And yes, technically, I should have checked my headlights.
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: I agree. I accept responsibility. Reluctantly, bitterly, with the enthusiasm
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: of a man swallowing a thumbtack. Don't recommend it. But
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: I have automatic headlights specifically because I don't want to
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: think about headlights. That's the entire point of automation. You
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: don't buy a dishwasher expecting to wash the dishes afterwards.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: So here's my humble request to the great automotive technicians
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: from sea to shining sea in America and Canada. Fix
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: the car. Check the diagnostics. And before handing back the keys,
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: turn the lights back to automatic. Is that too much
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: to ask? Because that $ 400 ticket a few years ago
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: has been... Well, let's just say it's been in my
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: craw for a while. It's been years. I still see
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: red thinking about that, even when the headlights are off.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: Even when they are off. All right. On that note,
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: we are off. Enjoy the rest of your Saturday. We
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: will have a very interesting mailbag. Very, very interesting mailbag
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: on Sunday. And you might have to risk life and
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: limb to enjoy that mailbag. You'll either love it or
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: you'll say, holy F, what have we done? The Ben
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: Maller Show is circling the drain. On that note, again, though,
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: we are out. Have a great rest of your Saturday.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: Enjoy the baseball and enjoy the whole thing, the college football,
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: the whole deal. And again, as Dick and Dayton would say, bye-bye.