Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Tequila Werewolf and the Taco Bell Maniac | JC Currais | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Tequila Werewolf and the Taco Bell Maniac | JC Currais | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: What's up everybody?
• 0:01
  unknown: How we doing today?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: Alright.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this stage is very tiny, okay.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_02: Tiny stage, big man.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: This is what I look like every day.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_02: It's good for comedy, right?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like when I walked up, everyone's like, this'll be something.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: Something'll happen while he's up there.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: But regular life, not so great.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I can't be incognito.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: Like, they're gonna remember me.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: I can't be an asshole to anybody.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: I'll show back up the next time they're like, hey man, weren't you the guy who was like really rude to everybody here?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, no.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, oh, so is another guy who looks like Hagrid decided to become a house DJ?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's a different guy.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_02: It's a different dude.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I can't commit crime.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: They'll come over the APB line, they'll be like, yeah, we got a white male, kind of looks like one member of LMFAO ate the other member of LMFAO.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we got him.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_02: He should have used a car.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: He's down the street, he's winded.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_02: He's tired.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: I like flying, I like it.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of people don't like when I fly.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of not smiling faces when I board the airplane.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: I don't give a shit.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: Now, when I board, I board last.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_02: No matter what.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: I wait till they're about to close that boarding door and I'm like, no, no, friends, one and a half more.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: And then I storm onto that airplane like I'm a bad guy wrestler from the WWE.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: I just come around that corner like, oh.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: I'm the captain now.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: You travel with people when you do stand-up.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_02: You learn about people, you learn about stuff.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: I learned about this, sleep paralysis.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: Who knows what that is?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: Clap.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: If you don't know what it is, it's a thing.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: Or somebody wakes up, their brain wakes up before their body.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: Their eyes open, they can sense everything happening around them.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: They can make a little bit of noise, but they are paralyzed in their body.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: I was traveling with my friend Tim, and he has this, and I didn't know what it was.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: And one night in a hotel at 4:30 in the morning, I awoke to him in his bed having a sleep paralysis episode.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: He's just laying there going.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: And I just got all my shit and left.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen this movie before.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: The demon has chimp.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: And I need to get out of here before it decides it wants something more delicious.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: I just went to Denny's.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: That's what I do.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: The demon never follows them to Denny's.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm seeing a lady, my girlfriend, I love her very much.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: We've been sharing rooms, sleeping in the bed together.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: And she's got like a thing.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: She's got a thing that she has to have.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_02: And what it is is, she has to sleep on the side of the bed that is furthest from the door.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: I have to be in between her and the door.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: And I asked her, hey, why is that?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: And she was like, oh, just in case a murderer breaks in.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: Looking for murder.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, why do I have to die first?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: Does she think the guy's gonna break in and just start murdering me?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: And then she's gonna be like, Well, let me just get out of your hair.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: Just grab these two Siamese cats.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_02: And you enjoy the big fella.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: I put them there for you.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: But it's gonna get a lot of murdering out of him.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_02: Anyway, adios.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: I was walking out of a house party, and my buddy stopped me at the front door of the house party and went, hey man, eat this edible.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, no, thank you.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'll eat an edible at my house of my choosing when I'm safe.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: I like to be safe when I'm fine.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: And he goes, it's just a five-milligram edible.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: You'll be fine.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, no, thank you.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want it.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: And then he went, bro.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_02: And then I just had to eat it.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: Just an infallible argument.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know why more defense attorneys don't use that.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: Your honor, bro.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: Well, case dismissed, this guy's chill as fuck.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: Get the handcuffs off him.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: So I eat it to appease him.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: I eat it.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then he goes, and that's a bad sign.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: Whenever someone offers you something to eat, and then you eat it, and then they laugh at you like a maniac, things probably aren't going to work out for you.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, actually, it was a hundred and fifty milligram out of Why?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, why did you do that to me?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_02: He was like, I didn't want you to leave the party.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, so you poisoned me in order to kidnap me.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: That's two felonies in a row, Playboy.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: I'm about to call an amber alert out on myself.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: Also, on 150 milligrams, I'm leaving the party.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna be on the goddamn moon.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: When I'm that high, I just become a non-player character.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm no longer the main character of this story.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just trying to stand out of everybody's way.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_02: Just leaned up against the wall, trying to survive.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: It's not naked and afraid, it's high and alone.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know anyone at this house party except for my buddy, so that's it.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: I only know my assailants.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: And here's the thing, I gotta look.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: People wanna come talk to me.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: They'll walk up, hey man, how's it going?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: The food is good here.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like, oh, that guy ran out of words.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: That guy's run out of words.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: You can only do that for so long.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_02: I finally decide I have to escape.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: I run into the bathroom, but I get in there too quickly.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: I get into the bathroom and I slam the door shut and lock it without turning the lights on.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: So I turn around and the room is pitch black.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_02: And for a second, I thought that I quit existing.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_02: It just turned into pure energy.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_02: Started to drift away.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: I heard that so.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_02: I'm coming home, Daddy.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: My hand touched the tile wall, and I felt the cold, and I'm like, people feel I must still be people.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_02: So now I'm looking for the light switches and I find them, and there's four.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_02: That's too many.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I can't do all of them, it might kill me.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: Sensory overload.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: I decide on half.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: I do half of them, but I choose poorly.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: I got the fan and the heating lamp.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_02: So suddenly the room became red and hot, and I heard.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, oh my god, I've opened the portal to hell.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_02: I better get into the shower before the devil gets here.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_02: That's what I did.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_02: I just got into the shower with all my clothes on.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: Just rinsing off.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_02: Just make sure I'm nice and wet for the devil.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: The devil will want me wet.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_02: It'll help with the flames, too.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: Mind you, I don't know anyone at this house party, and there's only one bathroom.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: So now there's a line of people.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: And they're knocking on the door, and I'm like, I'm not letting the demons in.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_02: You're gonna have to come get me, Lucifer.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_02: Drag my fat ass down there.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_02: Finally, the man who owns the house had to break into his own bathroom where he finds me in the shower, soaking wet, with a red light on.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: And he's like, what the fuck?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, the food is good here.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_02: Tell the devil.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: Compliments to the chef.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes the universe gives you a gift.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: I was in uh TGI Fridays in Tucson, Arizona.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's a great start to a story.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I watched a man get kicked out of that TGI Friday for being too drunk.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_02: And that takes a lot.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_02: But while he was getting kicked out, he yelled this.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: He got pushed away from the bar and he stood up and he went, This ain't no Margaritaville!
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: And I laughed so hard, pasta shot out of my nose.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_02: That's the funniest thing you can yell when being kicked out of a Friday's.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: This ain't no margarita!
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_02: He was fighting it.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: He would not leave.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: They had to call the cops on this guy.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_02: The police show up to remove him.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: And that's when I realized he was a genius.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_02: Because the cops were putting handcuffs on him, and he yelled this, he went, This guy's got a gun! And it confused the entire restaurant.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone was like, why does someone have a gun in here?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_02: That doesn't make any sense.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Even the cop was like, I have one, but I'm supposed to have it.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: This is my guy, it's my gun.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: I got the badge and everything.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_02: Y'all are fun.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_02: I like drinking.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: Anybody else drink it?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_02: Woo! I uh I quit drinking tequila.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: No more tequila for me.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_02: It transforms me.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: It's not good for me.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_02: Like a shot of tequila is like a full moon.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: I transform from a mild-mannered fat man into a maniac.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_02: Just run around the bar at the end of the night biting people, like, oh, you're an alcoholic! Scurry off into the woods.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: Wake up the next morning just covered in Taco Bell wrappers.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_02: There's a half-eaten deer in my bed.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: How does this keep happening?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_02: My roommate's like, I don't know, you carried it up the stairs in your gels.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: Looks like you hunted it down in the night.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_02: If you're in your house and it's past 2.30 in the morning, don't leave.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_02: There's nothing out there for you.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_02: I made a mistake.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_02: I did that.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_02: It was a Sunday night, 2.30 in the morning.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_02: My roommate went, Taco?
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_02: And before he could say Bell, we were driving the car.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_02: I was in that fucking car.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: I blacked out I was driving the car.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_02: Should have been a normal Taco Bell adventure.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: We pulled up, got the little machine box.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, we'll have two Gordinas, we'll have two chicken quesadillas, and as many of those styrofoam churros as you can shove in the bed.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: And then the machine box was like, uh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, that's exactly what we'll have.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_02: That sounds fantastic.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_02: Pull up to the next window, there's a lady working in the register.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_02: I hand my credit card to her, she swipes it, hands it back to me, then she disappears into the bowels of the taco bill to create our food.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_02: Because she's probably alone at this point, right?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_02: 2:30 on a Sunday, it's her, maybe one other person.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: And then me and my roommate were just sitting there looking at our cell phone.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_02: We both look up at the same time.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_02: And blocking the drive-thru exit with his body was a man wearing a tattered black mechanic's jumpsuit, black leather gloves, and a box on his head with eye holes cut out.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: And when we made eye contact with him, he began barking at us like a dog.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, oh no.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_02: We're in a horror movie.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_02: We're the two stoners who die in the beginning.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_02: Main characters in the car behind us, she's gonna see it all happen.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: And then Bach said, we'll chase her for two to three movies.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: But we're about to get fucking murdered.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: I panic, I start to roll my window up.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_02: Hopefully he's allergic to glass.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: It's his one weakness.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_02: That's right when the woman's returning with our food.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_02: Mostly rolled up window.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: Not how drive-throughs work.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: So she goes, What are you doing?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: What are you doing?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_02: Through the crack, I had to be like, I'm sorry.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: There's a maniac! Please fucking help us! Please fucking help us!
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: And the woman casually leans her head out the window, looks the man up and down, and then leans back into the Taco Bell and goes, Hi all!
• 15:47
  unknown: The guy's back!
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_02: He's back! Garbage can Michael Myers has returned! Homeless Jason, this is his Taco Bell! 18 years ago there was a murder.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_02: Also, how terrible is Kyle's life?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_02: He works the late shift at Taco Bell on Sundays, and now he has to go outside and fight a murderer for minimum wage.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_02: I watched the kid walk out, he couldn't have been more than 18 years old, broom over his shoulder.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_02: Like he just stepped off a chopper into Vienna.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't know how to use the weapon.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_02: He walked up with the broom, just started to pet him.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_02: Boxhead took the broom, threw it across the street.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_02: Kyle's like, oh no, my weapon's gone.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_02: So he turned to run, but he's wearing those shitty black sneakers you have to wear.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_02: And one just came the fuck off.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_02: And Boxhead, not a slow killer, just tackles him straight into these tall bushes.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_02: Just boom! And he is just fucking them up.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: The bushes are shaking like a velociraptor is attacking a human.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: And then the lady just hands me my bag of food like nothing has happened.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_02: And me and my roommate drive slowly past a murderer.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_02: He's just checking for the items.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_02: It's like they got the Gorditas.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_02: Quesadillas are here.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, so many of the styrofoam churros.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_02: Kyle's dead.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: That man was murdered.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_02: They folded his uniform up into an American flag.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_02: And they brought it home to his mama's house.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, live moss.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_02: For Kyle no longer lives moss.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_02: I did drugs during the pandemic.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_02: Anybody else?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_02: Drugs during the pandemic?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: My buddies hit me up and they were like, dude, we have to do mushrooms before the world ends.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_02: We have to.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_02: We gotta do them.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_02: We've never done mushrooms before.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_02: Can you get us mushrooms?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, do you guys have any idea how much mushrooms cost?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_02: And they were like, no.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, of course I can get you mushrooms.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: I'm your fucking guy.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_02: It's a thousand dollars a gram.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_02: Times were tough.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_02: Got the mushrooms, everybody.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_02: We took them.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_02: We were having a great time.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_02: But one buddy started to freak out.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: And I could tell he was just staring at a blank white wall for too long.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, hey buddy.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_02: You okay?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_02: He turned around and he had tears in his eyes.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: And he was like, this painting is making me feel sad.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Rutro.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_02: We're in trouble.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, I feel different.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_02: I feel different on the inside.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not sure if I'm gonna be okay.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_02: Am I gonna be okay?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, bud, you're in a room full of people who care about you.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_02: She's have a sip of water.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_02: Everything's gonna be fine, you're gonna be fine.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_02: But what I actually said was, Run Fuck that guy.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: He gave me a hundred and fifty milligram edible at a house party one time.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you guys so much.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_02: I've been joking.