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From Skeptic to Medium: How My Mother's Death Changed Everything 🔮 · The Psychic Explorer

0:04
Hello, I'm Matt and I think I'm a psychic medium.
0:15
I've always been interested in the paranormal
0:17
and the spooky and although I've been open to
0:19
it, I've also tried to err on the skeptical side.
0:24
After all, I didn't think I had had any experiences
0:26
and I certainly never thought it would have any
0:29
impact on my life. But that was then. Last year
0:34
I suffered a huge loss which shifted something
0:37
within me. I began to feel impressions from those
0:40
no longer in the physical world and I knew things
0:42
about those who are. A sense of wonder began
0:46
to unfold and my natural curiosity began to take
0:49
hold. Now I want to explore where this gift will
0:54
take me. In my podcast I'll be exploring the
0:58
challenges of discovering a spiritual gift, the
1:01
long path of development and how this new page
1:04
of my life is affecting relationships with friends,
1:07
family and myself. As you'll discover, I'm pretty
1:12
down to earth and I'm not at all woo woo, but
1:15
I will be respectfully turning the spotlight
1:17
onto myself to uncover why some of the more out
1:20
there beliefs still make me feel slightly uncomfortable.
1:25
So I invite you to join me as I explore my psychic
1:28
and spiritual journey. as my inner skeptic and
1:31
inner medium go head to head in The Psychic Explorer.
1:41
I am really excited to start this podcast. I'm
1:44
really nervous, but I am excited. Full disclosure,
1:47
I have a hacking cough. I was off ill work today
1:50
and I thought, I know, I'll start that podcast
1:52
I was talking about. Excuse for the rough voice.
1:56
It might be quite nice actually compared to my
1:58
normal voice. However, I've decided to throw
2:01
my hat into the podcast room, it's not as if
2:03
there aren't enough psychic or spiritual podcasts
2:05
out there, but very few of them actually speak
2:09
to me. I want to know where the medium has come
2:12
from, what has been their journey, what experiences
2:14
have they had, and what mistakes have they made
2:17
along the way. So in these episodes, I want to
2:21
go back to reflect on my journey and talk about
2:23
how I feel about stepping into a world which
2:26
is not always accepted by the mainstream and
2:28
even sometimes friends and family. I stepped
2:32
onto this journey just over a year ago and it's
2:35
been amazing but I want to shine a light for
2:39
everyone else who is on a similar path to me.
2:42
I want to show that as lonely as it might be
2:46
there are other people out there who are in the
2:48
same position. And I want to show people that
2:52
this can be something you can include into your
2:55
daily life. It could be something which you can
2:57
dip in and dip out of, or it can be all encompassing.
3:01
And trust me, I know that feeling. So how on
3:04
earth did all this begin? I would like to invite
3:08
you to take a step back a number of years to
3:10
the early to mid 90s. I used to watch TV shows
3:14
such as Strange But True, The X -Files, Eerie
3:17
Indiana, even goosebumps, you know, those scary,
3:21
well, kiddy scary TV shows because the idea of
3:24
a ghost or the unusual, the weird, I think the
3:28
kids is always so intriguing and I really tapped
3:31
into that. I love them and the idea of ghosts
3:34
and things that we can't see simply fascinated
3:36
me. My mum used to go to a spiritualist church
3:40
and she was a big believer in life after death.
3:43
She believed that she had an ability and I grew
3:46
up with this always hanging in the background.
3:48
her talking about the ghost that she saw when
3:51
she was a child, or the spiritual feelings that
3:54
she was experiencing as we were growing up, the
3:56
premonitions, the reincarnation. Gosh, she loved
4:01
her reincarnation, obsessed. And it was something
4:04
which was just there in the background of my
4:07
childhood, and it was normal for me. We used
4:11
to go tree -hugging, there was crystals in the
4:13
house, there was stars and moons. i mean it's
4:16
the 90s everyone had stars and moons decorated
4:19
around their house but i'm pretty sure my mom
4:22
was the first person to do it on our street she
4:25
was a real hippie at heart and i remember that
4:28
when mum came home from i don't know if it was
4:31
her circles or she just went to a spiritualist
4:34
group i'm not sure she never really said too
4:36
much about that but when she came back um she
4:41
would put the music on the cd player i think
4:43
it was enya um either that or it was a native
4:47
american um soundtrack with lots of chanting
4:50
quite shamanic actually and she would guide me
4:54
and my sister through a meditation now i was
4:57
only like i don't know 10 11 not even that maybe
5:00
so some people might think that's far too young
5:02
but to me it just allowed me to relax there was
5:05
nothing harmful about it mum always guided us
5:09
in light and she encouraged us to seek out spirit
5:13
guides and animal guides and although when I
5:16
was a kid I wasn't sure what she was talking
5:18
about I didn't know the wild journeys I took
5:22
in my vivid imagination back then or what I perceived
5:26
as my vivid imagination were brilliant and I
5:29
always felt really nice when I came back out
5:30
of that meditation. My sister used to go into
5:33
meditation and it used to be quite difficult
5:35
to get her out of it actually she used to not
5:39
quite fall asleep but go really deep into it
5:41
and she still has that today whenever she does
5:44
a meditation she finds it very therapeutic but
5:47
she does it very rarely because she goes so deep
5:50
but because i didn't see anything ghostly myself
5:55
it was something that happened to other people
5:57
not me my mom could see things or so she said
6:03
she saw things she could certainly feel things
6:07
The premonitions again the reincarnation. These
6:10
are all things which colored my childhood and
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I Loved it. I thought it was fantastic. I thought
6:16
this was normal for everyone. It wasn't until
6:18
I went to school To a certain well, yeah No,
6:22
I guess all my schooling actually because I was
6:24
moved around schools quite a bit when I was a
6:26
kid a lot of my schools I suddenly realized as
6:29
I grew older. I realized how unusual my mom was
6:32
and that's not a bad thing at all, but it's certainly
6:35
made me realize that other people don't talk
6:38
about this sort of stuff and if I talk about
6:40
this stuff as if it's normal I'm gonna get looked
6:44
at really strangely and I don't think even at
6:49
that age it was even that um what's the word
6:53
it wasn't that obvious to me wasn't that clear
6:55
to me that that was what was going through my
6:57
mind that was completely subconscious maybe I
7:01
definitely noticed the way that my mom was bringing
7:03
me and my sister up was very different to anyone
7:07
else. However, despite all the spiritualism going
7:10
on at home, I ended up growing up very skeptical.
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I remember going to school one day and having
7:16
a religious education class, an RE class, and
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it was a C of E, a Church of England school.
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Me and my sister were there for one year before
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we moved away from it. And the teacher was talking
7:29
about a local church where people were known
7:31
to walk in and spontaneously laugh because apparently
7:35
they had been touched by God. But of course,
7:37
little old me, little naive Matt thought of another
7:40
possibility. You see, I had watched an episode
7:43
of The X -Files the night before. In it, the
7:47
culprit of Dana and Scully were trying to track
7:49
down, had telekinetic powers, and they were trying
7:52
to control people who had done wrong to them.
7:56
So... I gingerly put my hand up. You know what?
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I'm actually very proud of me for doing this
8:02
because in RE classes, when everyone else in
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the class was falling asleep and bored, I was
8:08
always the one that challenged. I was always
8:09
the one to put my hand up and ask questions.
8:11
Well, why is that the way? Why do they do that?
8:13
Why do people do this? Why is that? So I put
8:17
my hand up and I made a suggestion. I said, could
8:21
it not be telekinesis? Because someone in the
8:23
back row would not be controlling these people.
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And to me, it was a completely logical scenario.
8:30
But this teacher, she looked at me as if I'd
8:32
shot someone. She walked over to me. She picked
8:36
up a Bible and she waved it in my face and said,
8:42
all that you need to know is in this book. You
8:45
don't need to know anything about anything. spiritual,
8:51
you don't need to know anything about telekinesis,
8:53
it's all wrong or it's all evil and you should
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not let that evil into your life. And everyone
8:59
in the class looked at me and those who were
9:03
asleep in the back row sort of said to each other,
9:05
what did he say? What happened? What did he say
9:08
to make her react that way? And she was livid.
9:11
She was furious with me for suggesting such an
9:15
out there idea. And I think from that moment
9:20
on now i think about it that i just hold organized
9:25
religion not in contempt that's far too strong
9:27
but i do not like organized religion i don't
9:31
even like saying the word god or spirit because
9:34
to me it has connotations of religion and it
9:37
just makes me feel really uncomfortable i think
9:41
it all goes back to that time when that teacher
9:42
waved that bible in front of me and told me that
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all the possibilities and all the options that
9:50
were normal to me at that time were evil and
9:55
I should block them out because the Bible was
9:57
the only way forward so as a result I did grow
10:05
up very skeptical I didn't see my mum as weird
10:12
or strange, she was certainly eccentric but I
10:16
still loved and still had a curiosity about the
10:20
supernatural but for me there was a big difference
10:24
between supernatural and religion because in
10:27
my head the supernatural was everywhere regardless
10:31
of what religion you believe it all shines in
10:35
and all channels from the same Place the same
10:38
source and I didn't want anything to do with
10:40
telling people what they could or couldn't do
10:42
how they should live their lives So I completely
10:45
went the other way and with that Came the skepticism.
10:49
So when my mom was talking about reincarnation,
10:52
I'd always be Yeah, but what if and I start to
10:56
play the devil's advocate. I'd be respectful
10:58
I think I probably could have been more respectful
11:01
looking back When mum spoke to me about spirituality
11:08
or ghosts although I was always really interested
11:11
I was always very aware that there were also
11:13
people out there who weren't telling the truth
11:17
or whose people who were taking people for a
11:20
ride and what proof you know I'd never had any
11:23
experience of it myself what proof was there
11:26
that these people are telling their truth How
11:29
do I know that these people haven't googled people
11:31
or haven't looked on Facebook or somebody hasn't
11:34
told them about this person already or they're
11:36
cold reading or they're hot reading them? Who
11:39
knows? So that's where my mind developed into.
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And it was that like that for a long, long time.
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I mean, I'm yeah, I'm 14 now. So that's I've
11:53
been more skeptical. I've been skeptical for
11:55
more of my life than I have been. a true believer,
11:59
although I have been open to it. And I think
12:02
I still feel uncomfortable using the phrase true
12:04
believer because it was just normal to me. It
12:07
was my normal. It wasn't even something that
12:09
I necessarily did or didn't believe in. It was
12:12
just normal to me. So fast forward quite a number
12:19
of years and the year is 2023. And I have a really
12:24
good relationship with my mum. We're very close.
12:27
and she has bought my partner a voucher for one
12:30
of these weekends away and it almost expires
12:33
so I book it and we're on our way to Lincolnshire
12:37
now my day job I get phone calls from new clients
12:40
all the time and I tend not to answer the phone
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at weekends if it's a number I don't recognize
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I tend to let it go to voicemail so we're driving
12:48
and we're probably about got an hour into the
12:50
journey from where we live and it's a three hour
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journey to where we're going and this number
12:56
keeps calling my phone and I think blimey these
12:59
people are really desperate I'm a gardener by
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the way so my day job is a jobbing gardener helping
13:07
little old ladies weed their gardens and mow
13:10
the lawns it's a simple job I'm never gonna be
13:13
a millionaire but you know I love it I love helping
13:16
people but I do get these calls from new clients
13:19
and I think this person's really persistent.
13:22
They're not leaving any voicemails, but they
13:23
are ringing and ringing and ringing. And my other
13:26
half says to me, just answer the phone, Matt.
13:27
Just tell them you're fully booked and you can't
13:30
take any more clients on. So I answered the phone
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and it's the ladies or the women at my mom's
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yard where she has her horses. And they say to
13:42
me, you need to get back because your mom's had
13:44
an accident. And yeah, we said, okay, fine. We're
13:49
on our way. And I say, you need to be quick because
13:51
the paramedics are here and they're trying to
13:53
resuscitate her. And in that moment, my world,
13:58
it did two things simultaneously. It sped up
14:01
and it slowed right down. It's the most surreal,
14:07
bizarre experience I've ever had in my life.
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And I would not wish it on anyone because we
14:14
all, I'm pretty sure we must, you know, we all
14:17
worry about our parents and we all wonder how
14:20
is the end going to happen and we all envisage
14:22
you know little old people in a maybe a care
14:25
home or looking after them in their later years
14:28
not to receive a phone call from your mum's horse
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friends telling them telling you that she's been
14:36
kicked by her horse in her chest and the paramedics
14:40
are trying to revive her just horrific so I turned
14:45
the car around on the road that I'm driving.
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Thank God I was on a roundabout, so I just swung
14:49
right around. And I've never driven so fast in
14:54
all my life. I think I was doing 90 miles an
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hour the whole way. Every single car just let
15:00
me pass, which is really unusual. Normally in
15:03
the roads where I live, people like to keep in
15:05
the right -hand lane and stay there. This time
15:09
they just let me pass. Everyone just pulled over
15:11
and let me pass. I spoke to my sister, I let
15:13
her know. Again, it was just the most surreal
15:17
experience of my life. And there was a moment
15:21
that I looked down at the clock and it said 12
15:26
.01 and I thought she's gone. I know she's gone.
15:31
I can feel that she's gone. And I didn't say
15:34
anything because I thought if I say something,
15:36
I'm going to make it happen. It's going to make
15:39
it true. And I for the life of me I did not you
15:42
know my mum was only 61 when she died I did not
15:47
want this to happen in this way at all and I
15:49
want to be by her side as a little old lady taking
15:52
care of her but this is how it was unfolding
15:55
and I wasn't there to be with her but I could
15:58
feel her and it was 12 .01 and I looked at the
16:01
clock and I thought remember this time this is
16:04
important Ten minutes later my sister called
16:08
me because she was closer. My sister my brother
16:10
-in -law and my niece were driving to the stable
16:13
yard she had received a phone call from the paramedics
16:17
and They had said they had had to stop work on
16:21
her and that she had unfortunately passed away
16:23
And I just howled down the phone. I said I knew
16:26
it. I know I know she's gone. I knew it so 20
16:31
minutes later I pull up its paraphernalia everywhere
16:35
air ambulance on the field, three ambulances,
16:39
police cars, it was just horrific. I mean the
16:43
word that I used in the days after that experience
16:47
was just pure horror, just horror. You do not
16:50
understand the word horror until you experience
16:53
something like that. But I felt her and that
16:59
was a catalyst for me. There was something within
17:01
me I thought, I know I'm grieving, and maybe
17:05
this is normal for grief maybe you do feel people
17:07
you love after they die but I can feel her like
17:10
I can feel her hugging me I can feel not physically
17:13
but I there was just something about the whole
17:17
situation which was just so strange to me and
17:20
the doctor who had worked on mum came over to
17:24
us she explained things to me and it was just
17:27
a whirlwind I don't really remember what she
17:29
was saying or all I really remember is that it
17:31
was so wet and so windy and i thought my god
17:36
my mum has just died in a field and it's wet
17:39
and windy and it's the middle of july or the
17:42
end of july like what is this what is going on
17:44
um and i said and she said to me do you have
17:48
any questions and i said what time does she was
17:52
she what did she die because i knew i knew it
17:55
was 12 i knew it was 12 i looked at the clock
17:58
and said 1201 that's when she died and she got
18:00
back to me she said 1202 is when she was declared
18:04
dead. And I thought, there you go. And I know
18:09
it's a minute out, but my God, it's one minute
18:12
out. A few days later, I was sat in my front
18:19
room and I was on the sofa and I was journaling.
18:22
Now I don't normally journal. This is not something
18:24
I do. I love writing. I do really enjoy creative
18:28
writing. However, was noticing that already I
18:32
was starting to forget details of that day and
18:35
for some reason I just didn't want to forget
18:38
them so I decided to write them down in a journal
18:42
I bounced the timeline off of my other half to
18:47
make sure that I was getting everything correct
18:48
and I was remembering everything properly and
18:53
as I was writing I had this strange feeling again
18:57
another strange feeling I had the overwhelming
18:59
sense that something was happening to mum's body
19:03
and I thought that she was having her autopsy.
19:08
So I noted in the corner of the page, I noted
19:10
the time, the books on her shelf somewhere now,
19:13
let's say for example 10 .30. I thought I'm going
19:18
to note it because this is important, for some
19:21
reason this is important. And my sister came
19:24
over, she has got two dogs and she walks them
19:28
um everything all day for hours on end it seems
19:30
and she came to mine and we went for a walk across
19:34
the fields and went for a pub lunch and as we
19:38
were having a lunch we were talking about mom
19:41
and talking about the next steps about her house
19:44
about the funeral and again completely bizarre
19:48
to be talking about arranging your mom's funeral
19:51
when uh that you know i was 39 at that time it's
19:56
just so bizarre to be talking about that to your
20:01
little sister very bizarre we sat there having
20:06
our lunch on this beautiful summer's day unlike
20:10
the day that she died a few days before and the
20:15
phone went and it was a coroner and the coroner
20:18
had said I just want to let you know that this
20:21
morning your mum had her autopsy and all the
20:23
signs are pointing to what we think a horse kick.
20:27
I said to her, can you remind me asking what
20:30
time that was done? And she said, I haven't got
20:32
the exact details, but it would have been around
20:34
about the 10 o 'clock, 1030 mark. I said to my
20:38
sister, I said, I knew it. I said, I've just
20:40
got this feeling. And I wrote it down because
20:43
I didn't trust myself that I was just making
20:45
things up. I was just feeling so many new things.
20:51
I could see my sister in her house and she was
20:53
doing things and I would ask her, did you do
20:56
it as Y and Z today? And she said, yes. How did
20:58
you know that? I just said to her, I just knew
21:00
it. I could see in my head that you were doing
21:02
these things. We got my friend to do the flowers
21:07
of my mum's casket. I just had this image in
21:10
my head of my friend putting a hand on my mum's
21:14
So we went for a seagrass coffin, I don't know
21:16
if it's a coffin or a casket, I don't know what
21:18
the difference being but on her coffin. I had
21:22
this image of her just talking to mum and asking
21:26
her if she'd like the flowers that my friend
21:29
had chosen and telling my mum what she was going
21:32
to be doing with the coffin and I thought this
21:35
is really weird, why would anyone do that? I'm
21:38
clearly making this up because who the hell in
21:40
their right mind would go into a funeral parlour
21:42
and talk to her dead body? when, you know, all
21:46
you're there is to do the flowers. And a few
21:49
days later I went to see my friend just to talk
21:52
about the arrangement and what she was having
21:54
planned and what she was doing. I said to her,
21:56
oh, by the way, I had this really weird sort
21:58
of like imagined that you were in the funeral
22:01
parlor the other day. And she said, oh, I was.
22:05
I said, oh, I'd imagined that you had your hand
22:10
on the coffin and you were asking mum. what flowers
22:14
you would like and what what you're going to
22:17
do with them and she said I did I thought okay
22:23
this is getting weird now this is getting really
22:25
freaky what is going on hey I'm Matt and you're
22:38
listening to my podcast the psychic explorer
22:48
If you're enjoying this episode, go ahead and
22:51
like, subscribe. You know the drill. It really
22:54
helps me out. But for now, back to the episode.
23:14
So all these little things are adding up and
23:19
it's just all I can describe it is it's got a
23:22
weird, it's got a different vibration to what
23:26
you would normally feel. It's that same feeling
23:29
that you get when you are gonna make a call to
23:33
someone. I had this with my mum all the time.
23:35
I would call her but the phone would be engaged
23:38
because at the same time she'd be calling me.
23:40
and it's that same strange feeling that you get
23:43
and it's just a vibration it just feels different
23:47
to normal the only way I can re -describe and
23:50
it's really poor but unless you have it it's
23:52
just a different vibration and in the back of
23:57
my mind I'm thinking okay this is going on this
23:59
is really odd but I am grieving my mother has
24:04
just been killed really horrendously And I am
24:10
must be in shock like I'm in shock. I am making
24:13
things up there's all a logical and a scientific
24:17
explanation for all of this because this does
24:20
not happen to me and I held that for a long time
24:24
and I If I'm honest myself, I still do there's
24:29
a slight past me which seems I'm making all this
24:31
up I'm crazy and everyone around me is being
24:34
super polite to me because they know that I'm
24:36
in the middle of grief and that it is all a load
24:41
of hocus pocus. So, I talked to my sister and
24:48
my sister is totally on board with it. She's
24:50
like, yes, I totally believe that mum is communicating
24:53
with you. I feel like I was getting messages
24:57
from mum. I decided to start meditating. I would
25:02
just feel these unbelievable, I would describe
25:05
as love bombs. when i was meditating i would
25:09
feel mum sat with me i can describe it in no
25:15
other words than just i could feel her presence
25:18
with me and i could describe what she looked
25:22
like i could feel what she was saying to me there
25:25
were messages for my sister messages for my niece
25:29
and my sister was totally yep you have got this
25:34
this is something that's happened to you and
25:37
you need to embrace this because this is something
25:39
that is going to help you and also it's something
25:45
that mum's obviously given you you know the passing
25:48
of mum has triggered something within you she
25:50
was saying to me that you've always had but you
25:53
may have buried it for a long long time my partner
25:58
um not quite as I'm not going to use the word
26:04
supportive because he's very supportive but doesn't
26:08
quite believe and when you push him on it he's
26:12
like no it's all out of rubbish you're making
26:14
it all it's all being made up but he's far too
26:17
respectful and far too polite to tell me that
26:20
I'm nuts and I'm making it all up but it's strange
26:25
because even he has had experiences and he chooses
26:32
To completely Wipe them out like no that's what
26:38
happened, but it doesn't mean anything There's
26:41
a story in his teenage years he was on the phone
26:44
At his parents house and he looked up and he
26:47
saw a woman still at the top of the stairs Now
26:51
anyone that knows my other half knows that he
26:53
is completely Relaxed there's very little that
26:57
will fluster him and he is the most blasé person
27:01
you will ever meet and apparently he was on the
27:04
phone and he looked up and he was like oh right
27:07
okay whatever he looked away looked back and
27:11
that person had gone now he swears this happened
27:14
but if you ask him was it a ghost he will say
27:20
no ghosts don't exist but he swears he did not
27:25
imagine it so I don't know. I don't know what
27:29
the way that leads you. Someone that sees ghosts
27:31
but doesn't believe in ghosts. So I feel I'm
27:36
walking this tightrope between my sister, who
27:41
is totally supportive and totally, yep, this
27:43
is true. This is real. You've got to find out
27:46
more about it. And my other half, who is very
27:51
much not wanting to step on my toes, but also
27:55
witnessing his partner. go through the most horrendous
27:59
grief ever and I'm probably thinking this is
28:03
just grief and this is a way for Matt to let
28:07
his team off and for me that's really challenging
28:12
because these things that I was feeling they
28:16
felt so real to me and not only did they feel
28:19
real to me but they were being validated by other
28:21
people so my sister was saying to me yes the
28:24
things I was seeing was right were happening
28:27
and even people not related to the situation
28:30
a friend who was doing the flowers for the funeral
28:34
validated how I saw her as well and so I didn't
28:40
know where to turn because the only person in
28:43
my life who had any connection to this world
28:47
had died and was no longer there to tell me where
28:52
to go at least not physically not verbally so
28:56
I started to listen to some podcasts I found
29:02
one in particular which I will reference I'm
29:07
a medium ask me how amazing podcasters and that
29:12
podcast really helped me because it made me realize
29:16
that I wasn't alone I wasn't too woo -woo that
29:21
these things were possible and then I started
29:23
listening to other podcasts and started watching
29:25
YouTube videos and it's interesting because I
29:28
just straight away you hear their voice and you
29:30
think I don't gel with you in a way not even
29:33
their voice just the way that they read and you
29:35
think no this doesn't sit right with me the way
29:37
you're doing this reading just does not sit right
29:39
with me because it's such a sacred thing and
29:43
I think there are many mediums out there who
29:46
treat this as entertainment and for me it's too
29:49
sacred to be entertainment you know you have
29:51
got people's grief in the palm of your hand and
29:55
you should be treating people with full respect
29:58
love and compassion so I'm listening to these
30:04
podcasts while I'm working and I'm doing meditations
30:09
at home and I'm feeling things and I'm seeing
30:11
things not seeing physical things but seeing
30:14
things in my meditations and I'm beginning to
30:16
notice the different vibrations and the feelings
30:19
I get during meditations which mean different
30:23
things. So when it's a message for me, when it's
30:27
a vision of seeing something happening within
30:30
the family and then again later on like that
30:32
gets validated and my sister says to me right
30:35
let's go to the spiritualist church in town so
30:40
I agree reluctantly I agree and we go and it's
30:46
all a bit strange because there's a funny smell
30:50
to the place and I don't know what to expect
30:53
and my sister of course being my sister plants
30:56
us right in the front row I'm thinking oh for
30:59
god's sake why are we in the front row I don't
31:02
want to be picked on what is going on and I guess
31:05
part of me really wanted mum to come through
31:07
because think by that stage I had listened to
31:12
enough I had heard enough and watched enough
31:14
to think I think there's something in this and
31:16
if I'm honest with myself I had always known
31:19
that there was something in it it's just my inner
31:23
skeptic was stronger than my inner believer I
31:28
guess you could say and we sat down and in this
31:32
old church that was built in the 1930s the heatings,
31:37
creaking, the lights are banging. And it's nothing
31:39
to do with the ghost, it's just because it's
31:41
an old building. And the people there, they are
31:45
all sat down and they're all looking expectantly
31:47
up at the, I don't know what you even call it,
31:51
the pulpit or the altar? I don't know what you'd
31:53
call it in a spiritual church, but up at the
31:55
front basically. And the service starts and my
32:00
sister's loving it because my sister adores karaoke
32:03
and all the songs that they're singing are not
32:07
hymns. They're not Jerusalem. They're not all
32:10
creatures great and small or anything like that.
32:13
They're things really uplifting from the 60s,
32:15
from the 70s, from the 80s, like power ballads.
32:17
And my sister is belting it out on them straight
32:20
away. I'm taken back to my school days where
32:24
we're in assembly and these hymns are being sung.
32:26
And because I don't believe any of it, I'm just
32:29
mouthing the words. Because I don't want to stick
32:32
out, but I don't want to say the words either
32:34
because if I say it means I believe it That's
32:38
the sort of person I am if I don't like so I
32:40
don't believe something, you know I'll go a certain
32:42
way, but I will not commit to it because It's
32:45
not my belief and I'm not gonna put myself in
32:48
that position where I have to Say or sing something
32:52
When I don't necessarily believe in it but my
32:56
sisters you know belting all the songs out and
32:59
she's saying oh i love this it's brilliant i
33:01
might come every week because i love my karaoke
33:02
and i'm getting my fix here my other half is
33:06
the same as me a bit like okay what is all this
33:10
what's going on and this guy gets up and he's
33:15
bad like he's really bad i don't have very much
33:20
experience at this stage of mediums face to face
33:23
but i know this guy is not good because the way
33:27
that he reads and the way that he talks to the
33:29
church is so forceful that he's making you take
33:34
messages that are not for you he picked on both
33:40
me and my sister and my other half actually but
33:44
he said to me no sorry he said to my sister oh
33:48
your grandmother's here she's giving you a big
33:52
bouquet of flowers that means it's your birthday
33:55
Now my sister's birthday at this stage was six
33:58
months before Now, you know, you could say yeah,
34:01
it was it was her birthday, but I'm afraid I
34:04
want a bit more than that And then he started
34:07
to tell him my sister. Oh your nan has got really
34:10
long black hair and she's speaking Spanish I
34:14
know it's Spanish because I can speak a bit of
34:16
Spanish and she's speaking Spanish to me And
34:19
we sort of look at him and he says I don't care
34:22
if you can't take it and that's what she is and
34:25
that's what she's telling me so your nan is speaking
34:26
Spanish to you and we're thinking well you haven't
34:30
described our nan at all or two of our nans one
34:34
was from Croydon and the other one was from Battersea
34:38
so I'm pretty sure they didn't speak Spanish
34:41
because we would have known about it but he was
34:44
certain that she was speaking Spanish to us and
34:48
that was a really good experience because it
34:51
showed me how not to do it and what not to be
34:57
because I came away from that experience thinking
35:00
you're a fraud and actually I come away with
35:03
more questions and more disbelief than what I
35:08
did when I went in and that evening another speaker
35:14
got up not they are a medium but they were a
35:17
speaker of the church and they said that they
35:21
were holding a spiritual awareness course. Now,
35:23
how strange that we had gone that week. And that's
35:28
the only time I'd ever been to a spiritual church.
35:30
And it just so happened to be that in two weeks'
35:34
time, they were starting a four -week spiritual
35:37
awareness course. So me and my sister looked
35:40
at each other and I said, okay, well, as long
35:42
as this guy is not running it, which he wasn't,
35:44
then fine, I'll go along because it was only
35:47
five pounds. for two hours on Tuesday evening
35:50
for four weeks. If it was a load of rubbish,
35:54
then I'd only lost 20 quid and that's fine by
35:57
me. I don't mind that. I've learned something
35:58
at least. And that's where it began. So that
36:04
was end of August, beginning of September 2023.
36:12
And it's now October 24. So just over a year
36:18
and I've continued going to that circle, the
36:23
spiritual awareness course turned into a circle
36:26
which is when a group of people meet and they
36:29
practice reading on one another and then I joined
36:32
another circle a few months later back in November
36:36
last year. I wanted to, I just had a real urge
36:39
to try and do more because the readings I was
36:44
doing at the spiritual awareness course were
36:47
accurate the people who I was reading were telling
36:51
me that what I was saying was true and that the
36:55
things I shouldn't know I knew and there's no
36:59
way I should have known them because I'd never
37:01
met these people in my life I was talking about
37:04
the most random stuff ever and I was thinking
37:07
what the actual fuck what the actual fuck I actually
37:12
am reading people this is crazy but again always,
37:17
always in the back of my mind there was this
37:21
scepticism this nugget of scepticism which made
37:27
me think I'm making this up somehow I'm cold
37:31
reading these people or warm reading these people
37:33
there's somehow I know this I'm clearly doing
37:38
there's some sort of psychology involved in this
37:39
and maybe there is to an extent but I've since
37:44
had too many experiences and too many readings
37:46
where I've got too much right Which I think I've
37:51
now come to a point where I'm a lot more open
37:54
to my own belief So that's how it started for
37:58
me And it is said that a Loss like what I experienced
38:06
is a catalyst for psychic ability for mediumship
38:12
although we all have it in us in some it's buried
38:16
a lot deeper than others and I think looking
38:21
back and reflecting the fact that my mum who
38:24
was a very spiritual person exposed me my sister
38:31
to this from a very young age with the teenage
38:36
years of bullying and schooling and conditioning
38:41
and society and all that that goes with growing
38:45
up but it was only put to bed it wasn't squeezed
38:50
out of me it was only put to bed and something
38:53
as horrendous and tragic as my mum passing woke
38:59
it back up in me and I just find it so amazing
39:03
that it was to the minute that my mum passed
39:08
that it woke up in me because there was nothing
39:11
before. Well, we'll discuss that in another episode
39:18
actually. Now I reflect back, there are other
39:20
things which I think, hmm, that was strange,
39:24
but at the time I just put it to the back of
39:28
my mind and just thought it's just intuition,
39:30
it's fine, it's nothing. So that's me. So sorry
39:37
to start on a bit of a downer, death of a mother
39:39
and all, um a lot of grief but that's my story
39:45
and that's where i began and it's not where i'm
39:51
going to end although i love my mother dearly
39:57
and every time she comes through to me it's it's
40:04
just it's beautiful it's a beautiful thing to
40:06
hear someone read for you and they can bring
40:09
through your mother so perfectly and in every
40:13
detail. I know that she's there. I know that
40:18
she's opened this door for me and I am willing
40:21
to walk through it. You know as Teresa Caputo
40:24
says, you know, she said when she started her
40:27
journey, if God or whoever opens the doors then
40:33
she will walk through them and I am willing to
40:36
do the same. I'm really looking forward to telling
40:39
you a bit more about the next step in my journey.
40:44
Next time I'm going to talk about the spiritualist
40:47
church that I started to go to or at least the
40:50
circle because I still don't go to the services
40:53
because it still has too much connotation about
40:56
religion for me to be fully comfortable. I am
41:02
conscious that this can come across as a therapy
41:05
session to myself. but i assure you um i no longer
41:10
it's strange it's been just over a year but i
41:13
don't feel the same grief i know grief changes
41:16
but because i've had this because i feel like
41:19
i've got contact with my mother i don't feel
41:23
that same loss i don't feel that same hollow
41:27
within my soul i know she's there i know she
41:30
talks to me i know that she guides me and i know
41:33
that i can have that conversation with her So
41:40
I look forward to the next episode. I want to
41:44
talk a bit more about the next step that I put
41:47
myself on and the strange things that came from
41:51
that. And the door cracks open just a little
41:55
bit more. I'm more than willing to push it back
41:58
closed, I think, looking back. But it does continue
42:03
to open and I'm looking forward to telling you
42:05
a bit more about that. So... Take care guys.
43:03
Hi guys, it's only me. Just a quick note. You'll
43:08
have noticed that this episode touches quite
43:10
a bit on grief and I wanted to reach out to those
43:14
of you who may have been or are still struggling
43:17
with grief. It's a very real thing and if you
43:21
do need that support, I would encourage you to
43:24
reach out. Reach out and grab it. There are plenty
43:27
of great organizations out there who can help.
43:30
If you're listening in the UK, one particularly
43:33
good one is Cruise Bereavement Services, that's
43:37
CRUSE, and you can call them for free on 0808
43:43
808 1677. That's 0808 808 1677. Don't suffer
43:54
in silence, guys. There are people out there
43:57
who can help you. I'm sending you all my love.