Latest / Parenting Through The Hard / Hope in the Hard: Would Understanding Change Everything?

Transcript

Hope in the Hard: Would Understanding Change Everything? · Parenting Through The Hard

0:06
Hi, friend. I'm so glad that you're here with me today
0:10
because this is one of those conversations that feels
0:15
like it belongs over coffee. You know
0:19
what I mean? The kind where you sit down with your really
0:24
good friend in a coffee shop and you take a deep
0:28
breath and you wrap your hands around a warm mug and you
0:33
finally say out loud that thing that you need to confess that
0:37
you've been carrying around for way too long.
0:41
There's something that I've been realizing about myself as a parent,
0:46
and I know that's kind of the theme around here,
0:50
right? I mean, 73 episodes in, and it's safe
0:54
to say I'm not going to be winning any awards for perfect parenting. I mean,
0:58
goodness gracious. The truth is, when I found out
1:02
at the incredibly wise age of 21 that
1:07
I was going to be a mom, I had no idea how
1:11
deeply motherhood was going to stretch me, grow me,
1:15
and challenge me in ways I never even
1:19
saw coming. And one of the most
1:23
recent ways I've started noticing this stretching,
1:27
it shows up in how I relate to
1:32
my teen and adult kids. The honest
1:36
truth is that I spend a lot of time wanting
1:40
my kids to understand me. My heart,
1:45
my intentions, my fears,
1:48
why I'm worried, why what
1:52
my opinion of what they should do is something worth listening to.
1:57
And if I'm really honest, that desire has a way of
2:01
turning into something else. I don't always notice it right
2:06
away, but it is certainly shaping how I show up.
2:10
And I'm noticing that lately I spend
2:14
a lot of time talking at them,
2:18
trying to help them see what I think they should do is better.
2:23
Trying to guide, explain,
2:25
caution, redirect all
2:29
without slowing down enough to understand what's actually going on for
2:34
them and in them.
2:38
I would never say it outright. In fact, I'd probably argue against
2:42
it if one of them tried to point it out. But the truth is,
2:46
I want things done my way,
2:49
because my way feels safer, wiser,
2:54
more responsible, more loving even.
2:58
Then I stop. And I imagine if someone lived
3:02
inside my life like that. If I
3:06
had someone who constantly told me what they thought I should
3:10
be doing, and not just that, but held the expectation that
3:15
I should consistently follow their advice.
3:19
And to imagine that most of their opinions,
3:22
even if they came from love, rarely lined
3:26
up with what I wanted or felt called to.
3:29
Well, I know this about myself. The amount of
3:33
me I would share with that person would be very
3:37
limited. I'd keep things surface, level with
3:41
them. I'd edit what I said around them.
3:45
I'd Protect parts of my inner world not because I
3:49
didn't love them back, but because it wouldn't feel safe
3:53
to be fully known by them. And that
3:57
realization, friend, stops me in my tracks.
4:02
Because when I really, really think about it,
4:06
what I want most with my kids, what my heart wants,
4:12
it isn't compliance. It's connection.
4:17
And the sad truth is that connection doesn't
4:21
grow where someone feels managed,
4:24
corrected, or measured more than
4:28
they feel understood. The truth is, I think a lot of us
4:32
mamas struggle with boundaries. When our kids move into the teen and adult
4:36
years. We don't always know how to love without overstepping
4:41
or how to care deeply without controlling, or even how
4:45
to stay connected without inserting ourselves into every decision.
4:51
And it costs us. It costs us
4:55
trust with them. It costs openness
4:59
from them. It costs the kind of relationship where our
5:04
kids feel safe letting us into the places that matter most.
5:09
I'm learning slowly that relationship
5:14
doesn't deepen when my kids finally understand me.
5:19
Relationship deepens when I choose
5:23
to understand them.
5:26
And that shift feels like a small thing. You know, even on paper,
5:30
it's just a couple sentences. But honestly, it's not.
5:35
Because as hard as it might be for me to execute it regularly
5:38
right now, I know that when I
5:42
move from defensiveness to curiosity,
5:46
from disappointment to empathy,
5:50
from fixing to listening,
5:54
something changes sometimes in them,
5:59
but always in me.
6:02
There's a different kind of support that shows up when
6:06
I make the conscious decision to choose understanding over
6:11
trying to be understood. It's quieter,
6:15
it's less reactive. It's more grounded.
6:20
You want to hear what it sounds like? Well,
6:24
play along with me for just a second here, if you don't mind, and I'm
6:28
going to say a few sentences to you that kind of show the difference here
6:32
on what this sounds like. And as you hear them, I want you to just
6:36
kind of pay attention to what happens inside you
6:40
as you hear these sentences. Like, what do you notice?
6:44
What do you feel? What kind of comes up for you? And I'm just curious
6:47
if it's the same thing that comes up for me. Okay, so choosing
6:52
to understand sounds like saying the following things inside my head.
6:56
I don't have to agree with everything to stay connected.
7:02
I can listen without needing to correct.
7:07
I can be present without managing
7:10
the outcome. If I'm being honest,
7:15
this is how I know I still have a long way to
7:18
go. Because even saying those sentences out loud,
7:22
it triggers something in me, especially that third
7:26
one. See, my heart, it recognizes
7:30
those sentences as wisdom, but my flesh it
7:35
flinches. And lately when my flesh flinches,
7:39
I've been learning to pay attention to it instead
7:43
of just pushing past those uncomfortable feelings. I've been
7:48
starting to look for scripture to nestle right up next
7:52
to that reaction. And I think I may have found the verse that has the
7:56
potential to gently start shaping me in this area.
8:00
It's a verse in the book of Ephesians, chapter 4, verse 2.
8:04
And it says, be completely humble and gentle.
8:09
Be patient, bearing with one another in
8:14
love. Lately, I've been trying to sit with that scripture before
8:18
I go into conversations with my kids, not as a checklist,
8:22
but as a posture. See this verse?
8:26
It comes from a letter that Paul wrote, and it was meant to shape how
8:31
we live our lives together after we come to faith.
8:34
And the thing that stands out to me is how the words
8:38
used in this passage are all traits
8:42
that counter our basic human instinct.
8:46
They're words that require a certain level of spiritual maturity,
8:51
and every one of them changes the tone of a relationship.
8:55
So let me say that verse again. The verse again is, be completely
8:59
humble and gentle.
9:02
Be patient, bearing with one another in love.
9:07
Humility reminds me that I don't know
9:11
everything about my child's inner world.
9:14
It tells me that my perspective isn't the only one and
9:19
might not even be the most important one in the moment.
9:23
Humility says I could be missing something.
9:27
And when humility leads,
9:30
conversations feel safer.
9:33
They feel less about power, more about
9:37
presence. Gentleness changes
9:42
how my words land. It makes me wait to
9:46
have the conversation until I'm in a place where I can soften
9:50
my tone, slow my delivery.
9:54
Gentleness says, I care more about your heart than
9:58
winning this point. And gentle conversations invite
10:03
honesty because people don't brace themselves
10:07
when they feel tenderness. Instead of tension and
10:12
patience, patience reminds me that growth takes time,
10:17
that clarity unfolds slowly for all of us.
10:22
That learning often happens through experiences,
10:26
not lectures. Patience says, I don't
10:30
need this resolved right now.
10:34
And when patience is present, pressure lifts and
10:38
trust has room to breathe. And then there's this
10:42
last phrase, bearing with one another in love.
10:47
Ugh. That one gets me. Because bearing
10:51
with someone means I stay.
10:55
Even when I don't like the choices they're making, even when I'm uncomfortable,
10:59
even when I wish things looked different.
11:03
It means I don't withdraw my love when life
11:07
gets messy. I don't tighten my grip or pull
11:11
away in disappointment. I stay.
11:16
When humility, gentleness,
11:19
patience, and love shape how I show up,
11:24
the relationship feels less fragile.
11:29
Conversations feel less guarded.
11:33
And healing slow,
11:35
imperfect healing has a place to begin.
11:40
Ephesians 4:2 isn't about pretending
11:45
relationships are easy. It's about protecting unity
11:49
in a space where people are still being
11:53
formed. And that's our children, right? We forget that
11:57
so often that they are people who are
12:01
still being formed. Now, let me be clear
12:05
about something. I do not get this right every time.
12:09
You know, most days I catch myself mid conversation
12:13
and realize that I've slipped right back into fixing mode.
12:16
And other days I walk away wishing I had listened more and talked less.
12:21
When I'm practicing, I'm practicing pausing
12:26
before responding. I'm practicing asking one
12:30
more question. Or just simply letting silence do
12:34
some of the work, not needing to fill all the empty
12:38
space with my words. Because our kids,
12:43
they don't need perfect parents. They just
12:47
need willing ones. And maybe this is
12:51
exactly why I chose reset as my word for the
12:54
year. We talked about that in the last episode. For me,
12:59
reset doesn't mean starting over or pretending that I
13:03
don't feel myself flinch when I shift from trying to be understood
13:07
to understanding. It means pausing
13:11
long enough to choose a different posture. You know, resetting might
13:15
look like catching myself when I'm talking at instead of
13:19
listening and saying something like,
13:23
actually, you know what? I can kind of be a little bit of a know
13:26
it all sometimes. So maybe you could just tell me why this is important to
13:30
you. Reset might look like letting go
13:34
of the need to be understood when I really want to get a point across
13:38
and choosing instead to try and really understand
13:42
their point. Sometimes reset is simply
13:46
deciding that relationship matters more
13:50
than being right.
13:54
So maybe this is what I'm carrying with me today.
13:57
Not the work of changing my kids, not the need to convince them,
14:02
but the invitation to reset how I show up.
14:06
Because deep down I know that understanding
14:11
builds empathy and that empathy will
14:15
build trust. And that trust will
14:19
always lead us to growth far faster than
14:23
control ever could.
14:27
Before we wrap up today, I just want to slow down for a moment.
14:30
If you have another minute, I'd really love to
14:33
pause and pray over us, over the places we're still growing
14:38
and the relationships we're holding with such tender care.
14:46
Oh, God,
14:49
you know how deeply we love our children and.
14:53
And we know how much growing you're
14:58
still working in us.
15:01
Lord, you see the places where fear tightens our grips,
15:05
where worry finds its way into our words,
15:09
where our longing for good outcomes
15:13
has the nasty habit of just turning us
15:17
into control freaks. I imagine in those moments you
15:22
see us just gripping so tightly and how you might come
15:27
beside us, you know, with just a gentle hand on our shoulder and softly whisper,
15:31
it's okay. You don't have to hold on so tight.
15:36
Father, I pray that you would you just continue
15:39
to shape us into the parents that you're calling us to be.
15:43
Not through perfection, although that is how we think it's supposed to
15:48
happen, but instead through a humility that
15:52
just keeps us teachable, Lord, a gentleness
15:57
that softens our presence when we're around our kids,
16:00
a patience that trusts ultimately in your timing,
16:06
and a love that remains steady even when the
16:10
path in front of us feels unclear.
16:13
Lord, would you do the healing work in us so
16:18
that we don't ask our children to carry what was never theirs to hold,
16:22
Help us pause long enough to choose a better posture,
16:27
to respond instead of react, to listen
16:31
instead of manage, and to stay grounded in
16:36
love when things feel hard. Lord,
16:39
we place our children and our own becoming back
16:43
in your hands. We trust you to lead us,
16:46
grow us, and to hold what we still cannot
16:50
fix. We pray these things in Jesus name.
16:54
Amen. Thanks for being here with me today.
16:57
And if this conversation stirred something tender
17:01
in you, I hope that you can carry it gently into the rest of your
17:05
day. I love you. You're doing better than you think.