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Season 2, Episode 1: The Real Reason Kids Get Bullied (And What Actually Stops It) · Becoming Irresistible

• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is season two of Becoming Irresistible.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I decided to take a little break because I realize if you're like me, you have a lot going on in the months of March and April, mainly taxes.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something I want you to really focus on because one of the biggest things you can do to make your life more irresistible is to really focus on tax saving strategies.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll talk more about that.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm planning as we lead up into the month of March and April to talk more about financial and tax strategies because that's something if you can learn early and continue to do throughout your life, you're going to create a better and better lifestyle for yourself.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's part of creating an irresistible life.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: But today, in season two, I wanted to start with something I've been hearing several of my friends talk about, and it really concerned me because I really wish in this day and age we didn't have to deal with these issues, but we still do.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the issue of bullying.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to say something that might really change the way you see it completely.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if you continue listening, you might even start noticing moments where things you've seen before suddenly make more sense.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've spent a lot of time in this break researching and studying this topic.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Most parents believe something very simple about bullying.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: They believe it happens because a child is simply too quiet or too shy, maybe too sensitive, too different.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that belief feels true.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like it has to be the explanation.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what's interesting.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: If that were actually true, then every shy child would be bullied.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And every sensitive child would be bullied, and every different child would be targeted, and yet that is not what happens.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you think back for a moment, you can probably remember one child who was quiet, but somehow they were left alone, or someone who is different but still accepted, and maybe you've seen the opposite, a confident child who gets teased, a socially capable child who suddenly becomes the focus of negative attention.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And when you notice that contradiction, something shifts because your mind is going to naturally start asking, what is actually going on?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what most people haven't been shown yet.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Bullying isn't random, it follows patterns, predictable patterns.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And once you can see those patterns, you don't just understand bullying differently, you will experience it differently.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes something you can read, something you can influence, something you can shift.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And this can occur not only in grade schools, but as you progress further in life, it may just become more subtle.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really great if you learn this at a young age, but it's also going to be helpful as you move forward into adult life.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: As we go through this, you might start to notice that situations that once felt confusing for you might start to feel clearer.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And responses that once felt difficult may start to feel almost obvious.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of asking, why is this happening to my child, I want you to begin to ask a different question, a more powerful question, a question that's going to change what you see.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: What is this behavior getting?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because behavior doesn't repeat randomly.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: It repeats when it works.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's slow this down just a little bit.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Children are constantly navigating something invisible.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: That invisible thing is called a social environment.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And within that environment, there are forces that quietly shape behavior, attention, belonging, approval, status.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And even if a child can't explain it, they can feel it.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And you already know this is true because even as adults, you can feel when attention shifts in a room.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel when someone becomes a center of attention.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel when laughter changes the energy.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine this moment.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: A child says something small, maybe even casually, a teasing comment, and then someone laughs.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe two people laugh.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the whole group reacts just a little bit.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And in that instant, something very subtle happens.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: The intention shifts, energy shifts, and power shifts.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And the child who made the comment feels it.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not on a conscious level, but internally.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: That feeling of I did something and something happened.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And when something creates that shift, the brain pays a lot of attention to it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because the brain is always asking one question: what works here?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not what's kind, not what's right, not what's fair, but what works.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if teasing creates laughter, creates attention, creates reaction, then the brain learns do that again.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where most people misunderstand what's happening.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: They focus on the child, they label the child, they say, that's a bully.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: But the behavior isn't being driven by only personality, it's being shaped by the feedback itself, by reinforcement, by what the environment is rewarding.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when you see it this way, you don't excuse the behavior, you understand it.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And understanding it is what gives you the leverage to change it.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can almost picture it happening, right?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: A comment is made, a reaction appears, a laugh follows, and then later, without anyone deciding it consciously, it happens again and again and again until it becomes a pattern.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's what really matters.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: If your child is in that situation, it doesn't feel like a pattern.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: It feels personal, doesn't it?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like they chose me, they're targeting me.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: There must be something wrong with me.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that feeling is completely real, but the interpretation is often incomplete, missing information.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because in many cases, your child is not the actual cause.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're just simply part of a loop, part of this pattern.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: This loop that formed formed because it worked.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And once you can see that, you will stop trying to change your child, and you will start trying to change the interaction, the response, and the pattern itself.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where you can get really powerful because now we can actually map the pattern, we can see exactly how it works, and more importantly, we can see exactly where it can be interrupted.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as you hear the next part, you might start recognizing moments from your own life, moments where something escalated, and now you're going to understand why.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: So just notice this.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: What once looked random is actually structured.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And what once felt personal is often patterned.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And what once felt uncontrollable has an actual point of influence.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: So now that you're starting to see this differently, I want you to imagine something.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not in theory, but almost like you're watching it happen in real time.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you see this pattern, you can never unsee it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, picture a moment.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a group of kids, there's movement, conversation, background noise, nothing unusual.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then one comment, just one, something small, something quick, something that on the surface might not even seem like a big deal.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, watch what happens next.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not just what's said, but what shifts a reaction.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the child flinches, maybe they respond quickly, maybe their face changes just slightly, and that's enough.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Then laughter or even attention, heads turn, energy moves, the moment lands, and in that instant something locks in.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Tease, reaction, laughter, repeat.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Tease, reaction, laughter, repeat.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the more you hear it like that, the more you start to feel how automatic it is, how fast it happens, how little thought is actually involved.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: This loop doesn't run on words, it runs on reaction.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the part that most people don't realize because they focus on what was said, what was it supposed to mean?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Was it mean?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Was it intentionally mean?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Should it be punished?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: But the loop isn't listening to the words, it's listening for the reaction.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And as you hear that, you might even think of moments where something kept happening, and now suddenly it makes sense why.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Most advice focus on the wrong part of the loop.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the common advice you probably heard.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, ignore it.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Just ignore it.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that does work.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the problem.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Most kids don't actually ignore it.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: They try to ignore it, but their face still reacts, their body still reacts, their energy still reacts.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the group can pick up on that instantly because kids are incredibly sensitive to emotional shifts.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So even when nothing is said, the reaction is still there.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then the loop continues.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: The second common advice you'll hear is stand up for yourself.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now this one sounds empowering, and sometimes it is.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: But often what actually happens is escalation, because now the loop becomes tease, bigger reaction, bigger laughter, and a stronger repeat.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of breaking the loop, it amplifies it.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what's the other advice you're going to hear?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Tell the teacher.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is important in certain situations, especially when safety is involved, but socially this can create a different dynamic because it shifts the interaction into authority, but it doesn't change the pattern itself.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if the authority isn't there, the loop will resume.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Most approaches try to stop the behavior itself, but they don't try to change the system that's rewarding it.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And when the reward stays intact, the behavior will adapt, but it won't disappear.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: So the question becomes: where is actual leverage?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Where's the place where change actually works?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where everything shifts.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because the point of control is not the teaser, it's not the audience, it's not even the environment.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's the reaction.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And when you let that sink in, something will change.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because now you're not trying to control other people.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're not trying to predict their behavior.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're not even trying to stop every comment.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing something much more powerful.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're changing what's feeding the loop.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where you have to be really clear because this is not about teaching a child to be passive.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about teaching them to tolerate mistreatment.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about shrinking.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's about teaching them something far more powerful.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: How to respond in a way that changes the outcome.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And once a child learns this, you'll start to notice something.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Moments that used to escalate don't.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Comments that used to repeat will fade out.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And situations that once felt intense will lose energy.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Not because anything around them has changed, but because the pattern changed.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, same comment, two different responses.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Take for example, child A reacts immediately, defensive tone, visible emotion, the group laughs.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: The loop will continue.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in case child B, they pause, they respond calmly, or they shift the frame or remove the emotional charge.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's no laughter, no momentum, no repeat.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Same input, different outcome.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because the loop didn't get what it needed.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: The response that they were looking for did not occur.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: And as you hear that, you might just start to realize that this isn't about being stronger or louder or more aggressive.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's about being more precise.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: So now that you understand the loop and where the leverage is, we can do something very practical.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: We can teach specific responses that will consistently break the loop.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not randomly, not occasionally, but reliably.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as I go through these, I don't want you to just listen.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to imagine your child using them, hearing them, trying them, because when you start to picture it, it becomes easier to guide, easier to teach, and easier to reinforce.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Once you see where the power actually is, you and your child will stop feeling stuck and you'll start feeling capable.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, now that you are aware of this loop and understand that we need to get in front of the reaction, I want to take you through five common types of bullying and how to interrupt each one.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because bullying doesn't always look the same, and if it doesn't look the same, it doesn't feel the same either.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes what confuses people the most is that the strategy that works in one situation will completely fail in the other, which is why I led this by trying to make you understand that it's the reaction we need to focus on.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be different in different circumstances.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of thinking, why isn't this working?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: We are going to shift.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to ask, what type of pattern is this?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you can recognize the pattern, then the response and then what actions you should take becomes more obvious.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to give you rigid categories.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to give you something way more useful.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Ways to recognize the energy of the interaction, because that's what determines the right move.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: So the first type of bullying is reaction-seeking teasing.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: This is probably the most common.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's a low threat but high repetition.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Let's think of it as a kind that feels almost constant.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Little comments, repeated jabs, same theme over and over.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why do you always wear that?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Are you still doing that?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Look at this.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: And what you'll notice is that the teasing continues as long as the reaction continues.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: This feeds on visible emotion.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a loop.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Tease, reaction, attention, repeat.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now this is important.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't fight this type.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: You don't defend against it, you drain it.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: So the kinds of tools that will work in this situation are number one, neutral agreement.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, a self-joke.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or number three, a flat response.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if someone says, Are you still doing that?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I do that.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you move on.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or, I know, it's kind of my thing.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now this works because the emotional spike never happens.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: The emotional reaction doesn't happen.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And without that spike, there's no reinforcement of the loop.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: If there's nothing to grab, the pattern begins to fade on its own.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now the second type of bullying is status display or performative bullying.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is audience driven.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: It happens in groups.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: So this one feels a little different because now it's not just about the target, it's about the audience.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: The comment is loud, more exaggerated.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's timed to make sure the group is paying attention.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: And when it lands, people react.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's a performance.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Think of it as a performance.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the loop: you get teased, there's an audience reaction, there's a social reward, and then it escalates.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: So how do you address this?
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you don't collapse here, you don't shrink, you redirect the frame.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: So tools that will work in this situation are self-joking, that shows high confidence, a frame shift, or a calm control of the tone.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: For example, they make a comment, you could respond by saying, Wow, you've really been waiting to say that, huh?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or, okay, that was actually kind of funny.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're taking control of the moment.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now the audience isn't watching the teasing, the teaser, they're watching you.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: They're watching the person who's being bullied take control of that situation, and they're the ones who get the attention.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if the attention shifts to that person, the power goes with it, and it stops the loop.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: It stops feeding that reinforcement to the person who's doing the bullying.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the third type is insecurity projection bullying.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is more personal, and it's often repetitive targeting.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: This feels heavier, it feels more focused, it feels more personal.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Same child, same target, repeated comments, and it can feel targeted and not random.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the loop.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's somebody who feels internal insecurity, and so they externally target someone.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: There's a reaction, and then they get temporary relief of their own insecurities, and that's on repeat.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this requires something a little bit different to diffuse it.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not humor, not deflection, it's stability.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: So something that will work here is calm questioning.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean by that?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or a neutral boundary tone.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: No reaction, no emotional engagement, and no invitation for more conversation.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's basically like a rock in this situation.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because this type feeds on the emotional engagement.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: And when there's none, the behavior loses purpose.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes if there's no reaction, the behavior will stop.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now the fourth type is group exclusion or social isolation.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is called silent bullying.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the most painful.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: And oftentimes it's missed because it happens separate from the group.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine this scene.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: It looks quiet, not being invited, being left out, people turning away.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this can hurt the most.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Absence of interaction.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: So the loop here is exclusion, which leads to emotional withdrawal, which leads to increased isolation.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then that causes a continued exclusion.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now you don't respond to this the same way as the others because there's no direct interaction to interrupt.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: What you do is build parallel connections.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you want to encourage one-on-one friendships with somebody either outside the group or maybe a person who's sympathetic that's in the group, and encouraging new environments and reinforcing identity.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is not about fixing your child.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is about changing their social environment.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the fastest way out of exclusion is not pushing into the same group, but stepping into a totally different one where the pattern never forms.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the fifth type, escalating and aggressive bullying, is higher intensity.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: And in this case, this is where you do want to get an adult involved because this one feels different immediately, has a stronger tone, more force.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it gets physical and it does not stop with just social interruption.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we don't want to rely just on social strategy.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: This one needs adult involvement, clear boundaries, and environmental change if needed.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Safety comes first.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now take a moment and notice what just happened.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: What once felt like bullying now has structure, shape, meaning, and more importantly, different solutions.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, if your situation doesn't fit any of these, just think about what is this behavior creating in terms of response?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: What does this person get out of the bullying?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you can identify that, that is how you can interrupt that pattern.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of reacting emotionally, you can respond strategically.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of guessing, you can recognize.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of feeling stuck, you can really guide.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to take this one step further because knowing the right response and actually using the moment are two very different things.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: So in the next podcast, I'm going to show you exactly how to coach this with your child.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: So these responses don't feel forced, they feel natural.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll see you back in the next episode of Becoming Irresistible.