Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 051: Why You Feel Confident in Some Areas of Life... But Not Others (The Surprising Truth About Real Confidence)

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051: Why You Feel Confident in Some Areas of Life... But Not Others (The Surprising Truth About Real Confidence) · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, and welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Frederica Davis, speaker, coach, entrepreneur, and creator of the Limitless Reset Method.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: It is Passion, Purpose, and Identity Saturday.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we get to talk about your identity and purpose and becoming and what is really in store for you and ways to create your next chapter in life.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to tell you a story about me and a motorcycle.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, a motorcycle.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, kind of.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because this particular motorcycle isn't really the story.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: The story is what I realized because of it.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I posted a picture on my Facebook page and profile this week that I came across an old picture of one of my motorcycles.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it was, it was uh candy apple red and really beautiful.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And wow, what a fun time that was.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you might not have known this about me, you know, but I used to ride.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I started the post out by asking a simple question that said, Did you know this about me?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then I told people that when I was 18 years old, I walked into a motorcycle dealership and without even knowing how to ride, bought a brand new motorcycle right off the showroom floor.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: All true.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now you can imagine my poor mother.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: My God, I do not know how she ever survived me.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I really put every ounce of her strength, her fears, her insecurities all to the test on a far too frequent basis.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I was absolutely just a determined teenager.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was definitely a little naive for sure.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And truth be told, I was probably a little bit cocky at that stage life.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was bold to say the least, and I was independent.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And looking back on all of this, I realized something that even surprised me a little bit.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't in that moment going out and just buying a motorcycle.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I know that's what it felt like to me at the time, but what I was really doing was buying proof.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, stick with me, and I'm going to explain that because you'll see where I'm going with this.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was like I was doing this big, bad, bold move and buying this motorcycle, and it was proof that I was strong, proof that I could make it, proof that I was capable, proof that I did not need anybody and I could do what I wanted.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what really stuck with me as I was thinking about the whole scenario of me doing this, me buying the motorcycle and who I actually was at that period in my life.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, at 18, I could walk into a motorcycle dealership, buy a brand new motorcycle without knowing how to ride, and barely blink.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Is that crazy?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And never having ridden one.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yet at the exact time I did have a boyfriend who had one, so that helped.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: But at the exact same time, I was really terrified, even though I was being brave about this, I was terrified in other areas of my life.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was terrified someone wouldn't love me enough or wouldn't be there.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I had these crazy level of fearlessness in this one area of my life.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then this crazy level of fear and insecurity in another.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So how could both of these things be true at the exact same time?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So the questions are: how can both of those things be true at the same time?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever felt like that?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can be really brave or confident at one moment or in one area of your life, and at the very same time, you're petrified in another one or insecure in another one?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And how can someone be so fearless in this one part of life and utterly terrified in another?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're talking about today in this episode.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: The confidence we see and the confidence we feel.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when we look around at young people, teenagers, people in their 20s, you tend to see some who appear incredibly capable and confident.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And this is my daughter, for sure.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: She is one of those young people.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: She knows what she wants.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: She has goals, she's going after them, she's pursuing them.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then you turn and you see others who look much more self-conscious and unsure of how to behave and unsure of how to interact or insecure in themselves, especially at these ages.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, just because someone like my daughter or someone else is looking that way and pursuing things doesn't mean they don't have fear.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I had fear back then.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was insecure and had fear, just happened to be how I covered some of it up.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And at that age, at 18, I was someone who used confidence on the outside as my shield.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I used it to portray that I had it all together, that I didn't need anything, that I could handle anything.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I did that for many, many different reasons.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like to show that I ever needed anything or any of my vulnerabilities.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I still call vulnerabilities the V-word.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I've gotten much better, as you can hear, as I share these stories with you.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: At really letting these stories be known, because I know so many of you listening, you may have stories, maybe you didn't go out and buy a motorcycle, but you've had moments in your life where you felt like, okay, I'm just really petrified and so insecure and everything.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: How can I be so confident doing this?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yet I can't do this.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, maybe you can relate to that.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, as I used confidence on the outside is my shield, and I I really want everybody to see me having it together and being able to handle anything, and I don't need anything, and all of those ideas and identities to go around with that.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I can handle anything.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I did it for many different reasons.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Often, that outward confidence I was showing as my armor was actually hiding how insecure, how petrified, and how alone I actually felt on the inside.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, so much so.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was a false kind of a confidence rather than an earned confidence.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I looked confident.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: People even said it to me all the time.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I can't believe how fearless you are.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: My gosh, Freddie, you're crazy.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're so fearless.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can handle anything.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're so brave.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: You just go for it.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I could never be like you because you're just different that way and you have confidence, and I don't.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to tell you, people still will say things like that.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And something I've learned over the years is that it's important to let people see sometimes when you aren't confident.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I'm sharing more of these stories because so many of us are walking around with these wounds, these insecurities, these fears, whatever they are.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And we're just keeping them inside when if we talked about them, if we processed them, we could heal them.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Number one.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, we could help somebody else.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as people were saying these things to me, and even today, here's the truth.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was not fearless then.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not even fearless now.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was out proving things then.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: The difference is today I am actually confident.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Even if I have a moment of fear, I have enough confidence and the skills and the tools to overcome that fear and replace it.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that does not mean I never have a moment of it.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: There are still moments, of course I do, because this is part of our humanness.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: There are still times when I have to stop, take a breath, and figure out why I'm feeling less confident in a particular situation, or what I need to learn or know, or practice, or even understand in order to become more confident in that area.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't have to announce my confidence anymore in such a bold, brash, in your face kind of a way.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's different.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's more mature, it's more rooted and real.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that is where the transformation actually is.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know many of you listening do not have that yet.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And people who are 30, 40, 50, 60, I mean 70, 80, and beyond sometimes still don't deeply feel confident, even when they are very good at portraying confidence.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you can relate to some of this.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was not a motorcycle for you.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's more like you can walk into a boardroom without fear and address everyone there.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, maybe it's like this for you.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's not about a motorcycle.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's that you're bold enough and confident enough to walk into a boardroom without fear, while someone else would be sweating bullets, but yet you do everything possible to avoid a difficult conversation at home or in a relationship that feels far more uncomfortable than addressing that entire room full of people.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are someone who is capable.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're raising children, running a business, taking care of aging parents, or organizing everybody else's life, or figuring out everything that needs to be figured out.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yet somewhere, somehow, you still wonder if you are enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough, lovable enough, whatever your version of enough is.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you can speak in front of hundreds of people, yet you still struggle to ask for help when you need it.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: I can relate to that one.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can jump out of airplanes, ride in motorcycles, run marathons, lift heavy weights, or push your body through pain.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: These are all things I got good at at some point in my life.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: But then emotionally, you are actually terrified.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: How does that happen?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know it doesn't make any rational sense, does it?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I have seen and learned through all these years.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence is not something that's universal.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: It is contextual.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the biggest misconceptions we have about confidence.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: We tend to think some people are just born with it, they are confident, and other people just aren't.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I can tell you, I've had people over the years, even most recently in my life, who I would call friends, who say, Oh, I just don't have the confidence you have.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't have we are all born with certain personalities and natural tendencies.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: But there is much more to it than that.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: We tend to think people either have confidence or they don't.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's simply not true.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence is not one thing, it's actually a collection of experiences.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's built one arena at a time, one area of your life at a time, one decision at a time, or one challenge at a time.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can be incredibly confident, professionally speaking, and then deeply, deeply insecure in relationships, or vice versa.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can be physically adventurous, but emotionally terrified.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can be financially successful, have loads of money, live in the big, beautiful home, and still question your worth.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can appear powerful to everyone else and privately be second-guessing yourself almost every time you want to make a decision.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you have ever wondered to yourself, why, uh, why am I so capable at this, yet I completely fall apart at this?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: There is nothing wrong with you.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start there.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: You are human.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And confidence does not automatically transfer from one area of your life into the other.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: The more things you do, the more confident you become, the more it will help you be confident in other areas.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't automatically fully transfer.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: So here's where it gets interesting.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I bought that motorcycle years ago, that first one off of a showroom floor.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: And for any of you who do know motorcycles, it was a Kawasaki 454 LTD.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then each of my second and my third bikes were Ninja 600s, Candy Apple Red.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: So at the time I bought the motorcycle, it really was not about trying to prove that I could ride it, that I bought it.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I don't know, maybe I was trying to prove it a little bit.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: But mostly it was more about, I believed I could learn.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: I believed I could figure it out, even though I had that little bit in me that was scared to death.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And even after I bought it, I thought, oh my word, what have I done?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: What why in the world?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I had that, you know, 10-minute panic attack and then decided, okay, put your big girl panties on.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: You bought this, now you got to figure it out.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to tell you, I've had experiences like that a few times in my life.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: The first time I ever scuba dived, and all I could see was ocean and nothing else around me.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the first time I jumped out of an airplane, the first time I went to another country by myself, all of those things.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Same kind of feeling.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I wasn't out to prove the same things though for each of those times.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: When I bought this motorcycle, deep down, yes, I knew I could learn and I believed I could figure it out.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: But what was really going on was I was trying to prove that I was enough.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Enough without someone rescuing me, enough without someone taking care of me, enough to stand on my own, enough to build my own life, enough to make it, enough to do big, bold, badass things.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Literally.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was not simply trying to prove I could ride a motorcycle.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to prove I was enough.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two very different things.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: At the time, of course, I did not have any clue about any of this.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, as I look back now with all of the years and the self-work and the training and the growth and the work that I've done with clients, I can see it very differently and very clearly.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up the way that I did, there were two competing stories constantly running in my head.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: One part of me, it was me secretly wanting Prince Charming to come along, rescue me, save the day, and make everything okay.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted someone to make me feel safe, to make me feel secure, wanted, protected, and loved.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to feel that I was chosen above all other things in someone's life.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: And just like so many other little girls, I had been taught to dream about that.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: I had a mom with a very, very large age gap who always encouraged me to meet a wonderful man who could take care of me.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: She was afraid she would die before I could take care of myself because, biologically speaking, she was my grandmother.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I was adopted, even though she raised me, biologically speaking, we had this big age gap.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: So she came from a generation where the expectation was that you grew up, you found a good man, you married him, and he took care of you.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, so many of us were raised on Cinderella and all those wonderful stories where somebody eventually comes to rescue.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: So there was that side of me: the waiting, the hoping, the wishing, the praying for someone to come along, make me feel loved, make me feel safe.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was the other side of me who had lived through my daddy dying and losing that security, who had lived through not being raised by my birth parents.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's a whole nother story.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Who really just wanted to say, screw Prince Charming, forget about him.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: He's clearly never coming.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the people who were supposed to love me and make me a priority clearly didn't.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I will save myself.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I will save everybody else while I'm at it as well.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: I will prove I don't need anybody.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Are any of these ringing with you?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: You might have a totally different story.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Can you relate to any of these things?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: So for years, I thought those were two completely different personalities.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I was this girly glam on one side, weaving and wishing for Prince Charming.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the woman who thought, who needs Prince Charming on the other side?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: My mom used to call me a rough, tough cream puff.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that one for a few minutes.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, it was really, really accurate, rough and tough on the outside, and I was mush on the inside.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the part of me that thought to myself, okay, who does who need Prince Charming?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: I've got this.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna set the world on fire myself.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: But now, I hope you're laughing as you listen to this a little bit.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: The stories that we have, you know, as a result of our childhood and our experiences in our life can be so powerful.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as I look back, I can see that those two sides of me, those two ways of thinking, were both trying to protect the exact same wound that I had.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: So the one was searching for safety, the other one was trying to create safety.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, neither one was actually about confidence.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: And neither one necessarily kept me safe.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: They were both survival strategies, they were both coping patterns.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: They were two different ways of trying to protect the same scared little girl.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe you're sitting here and you're listening to this and you're thinking, whoa, I did that too.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you still do.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: We talk so much about identity, but we do not talk nearly enough about the identities we simply build to get through life.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: These are the identities that come out of whatever experiences we've had.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: And they can come from a divorce.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to come from your childhood.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: They can come from many different things.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can become someone who is now the achiever, the high achiever, the overachiever.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you became or have become the caretaker.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you weren't the caretaker until all of a sudden your parents were older and all of a sudden now you're the caretaker.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or the perfectionist, or the peacekeeper, or the people pleaser.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: Can you relate to those?
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people pleasers who might be listening.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you're the independent one.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: The funny one who jokes everything away.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Your humor is how you cover up your pain.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or the strong one everybody leans on.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or the one who never asks for help.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or the one who figures everything out all on their own.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: Or the one who never cries.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: At least not where anybody can see.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or the one who always has to have it together.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe like me, you became several of these things all at the same time.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: And you just kept adding them on.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you were like I was, how I handled this.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: I actually became several of those things all at the same time and just kept adding them on.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now none of these identities are inherently bad.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they can be incredibly useful.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: They can help you survive whatever season or circumstance or situation you were in when they first developed.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: They may have made you very resourceful and capable, or even successful and independent, productive, caring even and resilient.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: And they may have actually helped you build an incredible beautiful life thus far.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: But often, eventually, the very identities that once were created to protect us become the identities that limit us.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Almost like a prison.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because what once helped you survive may or may not fit still in your life and the life that you are trying to create now in your next chapter.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're not quite sure how to recognize this, reach out.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: We can Figure that out together.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because what once helped you survive may no longer fit in your life.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: It may no longer be needed, required, or even helpful in terms of the life that you're trying to create now.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: The identity that once kept you safe may now keep you from intimacy.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: The identity that helped you achieve may now keep you in constant work overload.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or the identity that made you responsible may now make it impossible for you to accept and receive support.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can you relate to this one that helped you stay strong for so long may now make vulnerability feel very uncomfortable, even dangerous to you.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is why reinvention can feel so uncomfortable for many of us.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Figuring out your next chapter, figuring out what you actually want, where you are going, figuring out how to get there and believing that you actually can, all of these can feel uncomfortable because you are not just choosing new goals, you are learning to let go of identities that you no longer need so you can reach these goals.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you have to release your grip on who you had to become before you can step into who you are becoming next.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to give you a practical way to look at this.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to figure out where your confidence gap might be.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: Start by asking yourself these questions.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Where do I already trust myself?
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: And really think about this.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you naturally trust your own judgment?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: Where do you feel capable?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: Where do you feel grounded?
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: And where do you know that even if you don't have every answer, you will figure it out?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, on the flip side of that, I want you to ask yourself, where don't I trust myself?
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: Where do I second guess myself the most?
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: Where do I hesitate?
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: Where do I seek approval?
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: Where do I feel like I have something to prove?
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Where do I abandon my own instincts?
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: And where do you become much smaller than you are in other parts of your life?
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now the space between those two areas is your confidence gap.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: And inside that gap, there is usually a story.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the story is going to be, I'm not enough.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that could mean not smart enough, not pretty enough, not successful enough, not wealthy enough, not experienced enough, not lovable enough.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever your qualifier is, the core story is still, I'm not enough.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your story is I'm gonna disappoint people, or I won't follow through, or I always fail, I'll get it all wrong.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your story is more like they're gonna leave anyway.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: They'll eventually stop wanting me, they'll break my heart, it will hurt when they are no longer there.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe your story is I'm too old, I'm past my prime.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: It is what it is.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: I waited too long, I'm too late.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: The story is rarely about today.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: It usually comes from yesterday.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: And once you identify the actual story, that is where you get to begin to change.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: Not by pretending it never existed and not by denying what happened, not by putting a fake affirmation on top of it either.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm all for positive thinking.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: Putting a band-aid affirmation on things doesn't usually change much of anything.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: For those of you who've tried it, I'm betting you're gonna agree with me.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Affirmations, positive thinking, those are all wonderful, but hoping it disappears doesn't work.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: You must start asking much more useful questions, such as, is this story still serving the life I am trying to build?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, confidence is not built by waiting until you no longer feel afraid.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's really built through evidence.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence is built by taking action, it's built by learning and keeping promises to yourself.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's built by taking chances, it's built by doing something imperfectly.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'll go right back to this podcast.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: I started this out and I thought I just want to give great value.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: I want to connect with you.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it may be less than perfect, but if I get those other two things in, it's gonna be great.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I have to do to get started.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, I'm gonna live in this perfection for two more years and not launch this.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then I took the plunge and launched.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: And here you are listening.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence is built by doing something imperfectly and then discovering you survived it, figuring out what you did right, figuring out what you did wrong, making the course correction and keeping going.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's built by recognizing that you did not know how to do many of the things you do now.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Many of them you do with ease.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: There was a time when you did not know how to drive a car.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know it.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: There was a time I didn't either, or a motorcycle.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: There was a time when you did not know how to do your job.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: There was a time when you did not know how to run a household or care for another person or raise a child or build a business or speak up for yourself, manage money.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, the list is long, you know, there was a time you couldn't get through the things that you have already now survived, but you learned, and then you gain evidence.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: You develop trust in yourself in those areas.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: And you can do that again.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of shaming yourself, scolding yourself, living in fear in an area where you feel less confident, become more curious about it.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what would I need to know?
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: What would I need to practice?
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: What support would help?
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: What is one small action that would give me evidence that I can trust myself here too?
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because curiosity grows confidence far faster than criticism ever will.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here is what I can tell you from my own life and from working with people for decades.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: I still dream and I dream big.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: I still set ambitious goals.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: I probably always will.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: My mom died when she was almost 99 years old.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: And right up until the end, even during the last three years, when she was living in a nursing home, she still had goals.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Even with dementia, she still had goals.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: She kept saying, I'm not going anywhere.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: I need to see that little girl graduate from high school and college.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: She, of course, was talking about my daughter, her granddaughter, or technically, biologically, her great-granddaughter.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that particular goal did not pan out the way she hoped, sadly.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: But the point is, she still had that goal.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: She had fight in her.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: She had something she was reaching toward.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: I will set ambitious goals until the day I die.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: I still challenge myself.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: I still do things that scare me.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: But the difference now is that I am no longer doing those things to prove my worth.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not doing them to prove that I am enough.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: I am doing them because they express who I've become, who I choose to be.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's a real difference there.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's real confidence.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: Real confidence is not about being absent of doubt or fear.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's not believing you will never make a mistake.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's not needing to be the loudest or the boldest person in the room.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not constantly announcing how independent you are.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: Real confidence is a quieter, more rooted trust.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it says, I may not know everything now, but I trust myself to figure it out.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: I may be afraid, but I trust myself to take the next step.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: I can make a mistake without making the mistake means something terrible about who I am.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I can be capable and still need other people.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: I can be strong without making strength my armor.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if any of those statements really resonated with you, I encourage you to write them down.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe put them on your bathroom mirror, say them a bunch of times a day.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: Help them sink in a little bit more.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: So here are the questions I'm going to leave you with to end this.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've given you a lot to think on in this one.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: This has been a juicy episode.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: So where are you already confident?
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you already trust yourself?
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you still trying to prove yourself?
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you trying to convince?
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: What are you still trying to earn?
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_01: Is it approval, love, safety, respect, validation, belonging?
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: And what would you stop doing if you no longer needed anyone else's approval?
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask yourself, who would I become if proving myself was no longer part of my identity?
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: These are not throwaway questions in this episode, especially.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: Don't answer them off the cuff and then leave it there.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: I encourage you to first answer these off the cuff with the first things that come to your mind and then come back to them.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Think about them a little more deeply.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: Journal about them.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: Notice what comes up when you are quiet and they've actually sunken in.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because the first answer is not always the deepest, most meaningful or transformational answer.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it is, but not always.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: This week I want you to choose one area of your life where you do trust yourself.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's at your, maybe it's your work, maybe it's how you care for your family, or your ability to solve problems.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it is your creativity, maybe it is your ability to walk into a room and connect with people.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Name what creates confidence in that area for you.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is it your experience?
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is it your preparation?
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is it your knowledge, your practice or past evidence?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then choose one area where the confidence is lower and ask what would happen if I brought some of that same trust into this part of my life.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then choose one small action that would begin building evidence there.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to create an entire plan, just one small action.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a conversation or setting a boundary.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just one decision with one action, one promise to yourself that you actually keep.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is going to be how your confidence begins to transfer from one area to another and help them all be more balanced.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if today's conversation is stirring something in you, if you're realizing that you have been portraying confidence in some areas while deeply doubting yourself still in others, and you know that there are some old stories or survival strategies or identities that are still influencing your choices today, I want you to know you do not have to figure it all out on your own.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can visit me at fredericadavis.com.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find free resources there.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can email me, reach out.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're feeling like you're ready for something more, you want help connecting all of your puzzle pieces and figuring out what's holding you back, getting clear about what comes next, reach out.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: We can have a conversation.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can also join inside my free Facebook group, Limitless Living, for Women Who Are Becoming.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: We continue conversations in there, and you can connect with other amazing women who are just like you.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: I want to leave you with this this week.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: At 18, I thought confidence meant proving to the world, outwardly proving to the world very loudly and boldly, and proving to myself that I could do anything.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: But today I know confidence is much quieter than that.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence is becoming the woman who no longer has to prove her worth.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: The goal of reinvention in your next chapter is not necessarily about becoming someone stronger.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's about becoming someone who no longer needs strength as armor.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about remembering who you were before fear convinced you that proving yourself was the only way to feel worthy.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's about taking everything you've lived through, all the experiences, all of the roots, all of the lessons, without burying them, without pretending that they did not happen, and bringing them back into alignment with who you are and who you were truly meant to be.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's where the balance comes in.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: That is where your most powerful identity comes from.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: Your most powerful next chapter will come from.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: That is where your passions and your purpose will begin to become clear.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that is where real freedom lives and begins.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, I'll see you in the group.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out if you need to and be rooted, be resilient, and be limitless.