Latest / The Vincere Project / Episode 25. Think and Make Decisions
Transcript
- Vince: All right, Labor Day has come and gone. It's early in the morning. I'm a little foggy. Little guy was up last night, dog doing what she does. Something 3 AM. We're up together. Go for a walk. Yeah, proud dog moment She she's a training with Megan and Bruce for a little bit, laying down the paw. And she loves it there, man. Get off the exit and start pulling up and she gets starts shaking her rump and like deep breaths and sighing and getting ready and then she sees Megan and Bruce and don't tell Bruce. Megan's her favorite. Hops out, sprints to her. Doing off leash work with her and it's cool. The training paid off, man. We we encountered two dogs off leash like five AM the other day. And she did great. She did great. She didn't get touchy until the second one. And they were friendly, right? They were just out. Somebody Yeah. The second one comes up behind her and like then she like is pissed and she's like hanging out by me but sitting and once that that that guy or gal came around, she you know, she's just got a little aggressive, like hey don't don't don't sniff me. I don't I don't I'm not down with your kind, your type, right? Like yeah, like the humans might think we all have dog in us. But there's certain certain breeds of dog that you know, that's that's for different conversation. Maybe that's a podcast. Anyway. Man, I all over the place finishing summer up and you know, now it's in Jersey, it's the local summer, which man, I I tend to enjoy more to be perfectly honest. Up to that air ten years. And September, October, right? The air temperature during the day is kinda like summer really, less humid. The the ocean temp is nice and toasty. Get some better waves in east coast now. It's good for surfabouts. It's a good thing. Friends, family. The businesses get to wind down a little bit, the folks that do host hospitality and tourism. Dude, I don't think that's as common down here anymore. That's maybe a different podcast too. I I think this area's pretty self sustaining at this point. I think outside investment maybe at some point thirty, forty years ago, is required for this this part of Jersey to s sustain, survive and thrive. Man though, just in the time I live here, I would say my street has at least at least five, six more full time residents. You know what it makes sense. Folks retiring, they went on the dump of the water. It's a second home, they're consolidating, or I don't know. Whatever they're going through. It's more populated down here and local summer's better for me. My commute to work is less. It's like the restaurants are more open. Don't get to really go out in the summer all that much. Once or twice we go in. Like it's forced, parking becomes a pain in the neck and I get cranky pants and I just I don't I can only handle so many New York or Philadelphia people. Not that I don't love New York or Philadelphia, like I just I can't I'm a I'm a I'm more piney person these days than I am anything else, or like clam digger, whatever that is, like a jersey shore ish thing. I've taken on that identity and persona. Wherever I'm at I'll be, right? Where you get in where you're fitting. I would be how I am. Whatever environment I'm gonna go to that environment, I'm gonna adapt to I'm no bigger, better, or different than anybody else. I kinda have fears and I laugh, cry, and just like everybody else, man. But I'm slightly different in some ways, right? That make me unique and specific to me and not in a catastrophic way. And everybody has those strengths and gifts, man. You know, throughout my life I've demonstrated socially and emotionally how I failed to apply that i that intellect and emotional capacity. I just failed the application of it. I knew what to do or to say or to not do or to not say. And unfortunately, man, like in a funny way or jestful way, when was really like out of line, drifting bad behaviorally, my father was like. Yeah, it's like y you're not setting good conditions for your adult life. It's like you have a a an incredible talent of making a a bad situation worse right now. You're not helping yourself or anybody else involved here. You know, and it was like petty, petty stuff, but it was kind of getting serious, you know, some of the characters, you know. It was beyond the scope of like just boys kind of stuff. But yeah, yeah, that's the social emotional stuff, man. And we were talking a little bit about that. Maybe that's what the podcast is about today. So I was thinking about my dog, man. Like there was a period when like those this first sight of those dogs. I should have flipped the switch. You know, she's not a refined product and neither am I and behaviorally we could be temperamental. You know? I don't sleep enough. I get cranky, right? Long week. You know, people whining, complaining, being greedy, envious. That's if that stuff is a contagion. I get away from that stuff, man. People taking shots, poking fun. Talk about that a little today, right? Like You know, my little guy's starting school soon and I think my daughter and you know, that's what's a lot of people about their kids, their nieces, nephews, family, friends, whatever. Everybody's got something to say about everybody and something and opinions. Do it this way, do it that way, that's weird, that's odd. I don't I don't know, man. I think everybody's a little weird and odd, right? Like, you know. You got you have you have kids that are thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. They know who and what they want and what they are, and then you have adults and parents that project their values onto them and somewhere in the middle is Probably more accurate depiction of what the world is and you know the pressures everybody's been facing since the beginning of time. Caveman, right? Like if you believe in evolution, that's fine. Creationism, I'm I don't know, whatever you believe in, right? You know, when your social emotional intelligence gets tested, it looks like four things. I like them. I think they're very specific and distinct. And I would say it is applied from the sandbox all the way till modern day in my life at this point. It definitely something I work on with clients. It comes up overwhelmingly so in my classrooms. because students, especially in the counseling field, they're becoming practitioners of the things. So I have to introduce thought experiments, case studies and scenarios that test and strain and expand that in the safety of a classroom. But for for family, lee and my family is something different, right? I'm not looking to expand that in the way that's developmental. I'm looking to harden, callous, to adapt and and test and create a degree of resilience. that is unique and distinct into them. My children or myself, my wife, my family, my dog, and and whether that's physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, vocationally, socially, and of course financially. Folks would invert that typically and say financially is the primary spot. They will skip the workout to take a three-hour commute to work. They will say, it's for my kids, I don't have time and all of these things. And what I've learned from death and dying reverse engineering it is you don't control or predict any of that stuff. But if we know cancer, heart disease or metabolic disease is most likely going to be one of the things that takes us out, we can mitigate some of those to the best of our ability. And again, it's not a straight line, but if you get it right about eighty percent of the time, a little Pareto's principle, you know, you only have to make a couple of good decisions with diet really to to benefit all physical through financial everything. You know, and that was that I want to say it was Hippocrates or I don't know. Aristotle, one of those folks, doesn't particularly matter, but you are what you eat kind of thing. You know? That social emotional stuff, the relationship of food. You know, but the four things that are are gonna strain and test, and I would say my young adult daughter, and then of course my little guy, right? Like they they're gonna deal with these particular things we all do. And these are the parts where you can get your life spun up in a knot or twisted up, I would say. Is moments where it it is to include. To to be pressured, to be mocked, or to be dared, right, in into emotional and or intellectual capacity or behavioral stuff. And because to include, right, would say the other side of it, right, includes a positive way, the other side is exclude, right? People do that intentionally and kids do that in chats, adults do that in chats, adults do that in social aspects. They do it in very different ways, more complex and and because they've nuanced it over a long enough period of time. But you can see through it once you see the behavior, believe it. No loyalty in the game, right? A there's no loyalty. And I'm gonna give you some data a little bit to support how why that a hundred percent is. you know, to pressure, people will try to pressure, right? And you know, the other side is to be more laissez faire or strategist and hands off and allow people to show you exactly who they are and be how they're gonna be. But people will try to pressure you. They'll try to pressure into good things or bad things. You know, and for reaction or response. You know, you can play along with or not. People will try to mock and then alternatively to mock, right? That that's what people do for a laugh. They'll do it at a dinner table with a group of friends, colleagues. They'll mock and then alternatively they'll attempt to praise. Praise is the positive one and it's the ones that do it both ways is believe them. It's incongruent with who they are and what they are. But if humans do that, believe them. praise is a better way to go about life 'cause it's easy to mock. You gotta think about it, it's easy to mock, man. Somebody be quick to point something out about yourself or your family or friends, right? And it's just like you take a deep breath, you pause, and you what are you gonna do? You're gonna change their opinion about that or them, or are you gonna start taking shots at their family, their spouses, their children, their parents? It's a never ending battle. You're never gonna win that. It's not useful. Just get away from that kind of people. It's amateur and petty thinking. They're they haven't grown or matured beyond their level of ph sophistication, appropriately so. and then to dare, right? They'll say, I dare you, or is it to encourage and support? Now dare can be a good thing in a fun, in a healthy way, right? In the safety of a learning environment, like, hey, I dare you to study hard for this, right? Like that's a fun way of using the word dare. Similar to the word like the words cope or change, right? Like, hey, I dare you to cope with that exam, tolerate, accept, or change how you're gonna go about that exam, much more empowering. But yeah, to include, to exclude, to pressure, to mock, to dare. Do with that. And that's the test, right? So we do our best to inspire and influence our children and and we do our best to deal with those things as well. And I mean, I wrote down some topics like counseling, socially, business, right? Familial, community as a veteran, right? And you know, I think the students, right, and student athletes specifically, the classroom and athletics are the places that those things get exemplified and tested the most. They're good for character development. You're gonna lose, you're gonna fail, things are gonna be difficult at some point. They're supposed to be. You know, and I think there's gotta be a juggling act in that. It's like, hey, we wanna take mostly difficult classes, but they can't all be difficult. Some have to be fun and enjoy and and enjoyable. It can't all be like this rigorous, rigorous, painstaking process all the time, you know. And I don't know, I think about that for my kids because the job at the other day would would I espouse and I mean look my my adult, my daughter knows this and I tell everybody that's I teach this way, I live this way. So the responsibility is to think and make decisions well before we believe we're prepared to do so, and or the world thinks that we are. And the sooner we can adapt our mind to accepting our role to think and make decisions, things just get better. Things get better. And I don't think it's taught in schools for all the reasons. I don't think my family really taught me how to deal with that. They were doing their best to survive, you know, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. Right. And but if you're in a space where You establish a baseline level of safety and security. Food and water, man. You know, you reserve the right to grab a pen and write down, hey, what's the core problem here? Physically down through financially. The core problem is, and then insert whatever it is. That's the first thing I would do. And because, hey, I'm screwed. I got a bad situation here with whatever it is, man. And you're talking to a guy that has owed money to the IRS. They were I owed enough money to them to show someone send somebody to come find me, right? But it was definitely a human being that handed me the thing. And You know, I've dealt with avoiding and accommodating different things. A lot of times that's a trauma response, right? Not having a strong identity or the confidence to go about and deal with something, not understanding that to be naive, ignorant, and courageous is actually the story. You know, and the more self aware you become in terms of where you were naive, ignorant, or courageous in your story, the better served you are the next time you face a similar map for life. But yeah, the core problem, you gotta write that down. Hey, I'm struggling with My finances. And people will immediately point to the thing about the finances of the dollar signs, and I'm I would point out to say, like, well, okay, cool. Like, have you eaten a salad lately, gone for a walk and had a healthy conversation, or fed the ducks, or was sat and watched the sunrise or sunset? Pause, right? No, no, no, no, no. Insert whatever they've been doing, right? Whether it's maladaptive or not, right? And so I think that's it. Is whatever the core problem is, we just throw the core problem down. It's not to find the solutions for the person, it's just to take ownership of particular problem. Next thing is is the goals, right? The goals with the associated with the problem. So the goal would be a future outcome. And a lot of times people go to like, hey, we're gonna do SMART goals, specific, measure, attainable, realistic, relevant, time bound. I think that's amateur at best. I think that's a good workshop thing that somebody came up with and acronyms are fun because they work and they're universal, but the application is super faulty, especially if somebody's opering from a place of zero competence and and you know. Day one of our journey in a process, you know, we are at zero. We're at a baseline of zero, maybe even negative in some cases, depending on impairments or or different scenarios or environmental factors. There can be all sorts of issues going on in somebody's story. But the reality is once that core problem is identified, that's a high degree of self awareness. And then the courage, right? And then some of the serenity prayers, like, hey, do do I want to have to be able to do anything about this or do I want to have to not be able to do anything about this? Right. Because then the second part is is like, hey, can I change this or I can't? Can I control it or I can't? If I can't, there's radical acceptance in that. You move forward with an open heart and open mind, do the best that you can. But if there is something you can change it, that's where most people I would say in my counseling field, and I would say for students as well, but in a different kind of way. You know, and I see this especially with my family and friends and it hur it hurts my heart at times. It's like, hey, I'm I'm aware of the thing I have going on, but I just can't muster up enough courage, you know, to take that next step. So they'd rather fall on that safe place of being a C student or getting seventies just to be the liked or well respected because That's the room they're in. They're in a room that isn't to include people. Like getting good grades is a good thing. achieving a high level of education is a good thing. Failing in pursuit of a high level of education is a good thing, right? Like I've met plenty people that are A B D's, all but doctorates, right? And like that's not a benchmark of somebody's value who they are as a person, right? It's just like, hey, were they dumb enough to not quit and did they keep paying the tuition? It that's all it is, right? It's not a value of who somebody is or is because it is remarkable. remarkable academics that don't don't have documents. That's not how works. Right. But it's the process and the orientation to the thing, right? Ties back to those goals, the future outcomes of the thing. And I think what happens is some people's objectives, right, the way of thinking about the goal gets out of whack, right? Like, hey, when I have this physical status, I will be this or I will feel this way, or the world will think this of me, or I will get this, right? As opposed to I get to bring value by doing this and developing a good process. And all the way down, right? Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, vocational, social, and financial. The thing that's a hinge point in when you're creating these identifying core problems and the goals and objectives to do it is you have to create an evidence-based plan in support of it. In with the tipping point is most people have a bankruptcy of spirit. Meaning like they're not a robust spirit in terms of how they harness their emotional management and their character development, because that's exactly what that is. It it's essentially one of those things where the purpose of spiritual development is like, hey, I want to build this massive brand or product or good or service or have this partner or children or a home, a vehicle, an experience, a travel, or whatever the things are, right? The the the reality is in applying ourselves spiritually to those particular things, it's inevitably that we will have massive, massive success. So back to that goal thing about the SMART goals, right? I I find a better way and I do this with I would say ninety percent of my clients if it's appropriate is we we do goals in this order, right? You start with a twenty, a ten, a five, three, and a one year goal, right? And that twenty year goal has to be larger than life. And to the point that if you shared it or uttered it out to your family and friends, they would belly laugh you out of the room. It wouldn't even make sense to them. And you know, what you would get is a combination of things and it's one of three looks. One would be, hey, like right on, what do you need from me? If somebody ever says that to you or gives that to you and they're genuine and authentic and mean that, you have to cling to that. Whether they have the requisite skills or not, it means they're committed at least to the idea, right? And you start with that. In the middle, most folks are just gonna be indifferent, like, hey, I wish you luck, hey, all the best, I'll never be able to do that. And then you're gonna have your negative influencers that totally want to sabotage or exploit or blow up the whole thing, or they want to stay close enough to watch you fail because that's how they get off in some weirdo sadistic or masochistic kind of way. All right, so so that's the first part. That twenty-year goal has to be huge and think of like a funnel, right? Where you're born to a funnel. It's huge, right? It's much bigger than where the exit is in the slow drip. So the 10-year goal will be a little bit smaller, and it's the same thing, right? You're over 3,600 days away at that point. So we've written our 20-year goal down, now we've written 10-year goal down. This should make everybody laugh you out of the room as well, right? And it's not something to do with your family or friends, and definitely don't do it in the workplace. Nobody gives a crap about what you're doing in 10 years in the workplace. But for you, it's really important because this is a setting of a course of direction travel. That 10-year goal needs to be huge. You might get a little bit more support because it's tangible in some of the creatives and more optimistic and hopeful and spiritually oriented people's minds. but the rigid analytical technical are not even gonna see it for you because they can't get past wherever they're at in their skepticism. Right. So then you're gonna go deck down and you're working down to that five-year goal. This is more accurate. You're already headed in that direction of travel, you just don't know it and can't see the route. And there's gonna be some things that are gonna come up that Shift it and change it a little bit, but that's gonna happen. Then back down to your three-year goal and one-year goal, right? The one-year goal is happening, you are fast tracking to that particular thing. So it's a beautiful thing to write those things down periodically, as in like once a year, right? And just do it forever. I have a client, I won't get into the exact age, but let's say they're north of 65 by a significant amount. Faculty is sharp, physically sharp, cognitively sharp. their friends and family, not so much at this phase of life, right? Because if they've out they've out kicked the coverage. People don't think about that. So but the point being is not to blow up and disclose the nature of what they're talking about. This client is served to do that exercise because at their stage of the game, they're projecting way into the future, potentially at the end of life, right? And the assumption is maybe I'll be loving it. But to that person's credit, they intuitively knew right away they're like, I've done something like this for a very long time. I've just never done it in this particular model or template. So it's not saying you need to use the this version of goal setting, right? But I think you might find it much more adaptable and applicable to smart. Instead of smart goals. I because the 20-year goal allows you to engage your creative space, your imagination, start really looking to be optimistic and hopeful. And the plug into all this is I started doing this in 2013 when I was in treatment. 2012 I got clean, but twenty thirteen was when I was introduced to the exercise at Fort Belvar at the outpatient program. And writing down your goals in that particular order, I modified it to make it better in my own professional capacity, but it was reverse engineering. That's what it was called. I remember that. You're doing this worksheet and you're in there with a bunch of other dudes. And I was I took it really serious. And I wrote those things down. And some of the things that I wrote down 100% have happened. They didn't happen to be on the timeline that exactly the way I saw it, but in the direction of travel travel, they have. And including this with my spouse and then passing it on to my daughter at this point and definitely future and to my son is how do you set your goals? 20, 10, 5, 3, 1, repeat, do that for the ever to the end. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, vocationally, socially, financially, you will develop a degree of autonomy and responsibility, and you'll start to take radical, radical levels of accountability that are required to pursue difficult things like that. So there are things that are written down that I captured and empirically come up that may or may not happen. But what I do believe is going to happen is the person I have to become in pursuit of those lofty goals and expectations and numbers, that is where I get good, and that's how I become a better person. Because in all of that story, right? Any exclusions, pressure, mocking, or dares or aren't in my favor, or just a test of social emotional intelligence. The application of it is goal setting keeps us fixed to our values, right? And again, have fun, help people make money doing it. Once in a while, I'll say yes to some things, like maybe I'll have lunch with somebody once in a while or dinner and a cup of coffee, whatever. But if I don't have fun, help people make money doing one of the two of those three things, I just probably am not gonna repeat that. And I will limit my exposure to those particular things. That keeps me safe because it keeps me on task with Including myself and other people, right? being more laissez faire as a strategist about relationships, not pressuring people, right? Inspiring, be hopeful, praising people like it's a sport, right? And then encourage or support as if it's my my sole job. Because my sole job is to think and make decisions. And if it's gonna start with being encouraging and supportive of other people, that's what I'll do. The biggest challenge I think I saw in recent history with all this, and it's you know, I didn't want to talk about it in the past month. I wanted to process it because I I knew I I think it's I think I have strong language. So the onesie twosie that hear it, I want them to be hyper-aware and have full context. I am a COVID thing was one of the most inhumane things that I've seen in a strategic level, the way it was exploited and manipulated, and how people were coerced and intimidated. And you know, Fauci to depleting the fifth is is criminal. That's what gangsters do. That is a hundred percent what gangsters do plead the fifth. So the lesson learned in that for Me and you and everybody at home, you don't need an attorney for this. And there's certain rules of the game, right? Civil versus criminal where it can apply where it doesn't apply and whether it's an admission of guilt or not. I think you know you can talk to your attorney, right? But but I think remaining silent and pleading the fifth is really, really important when it comes down to the decision points of things, right? The documentation, numbers, NDAs, agreements and stuff like that. It just matters a lot and that privacy and confidentiality will always reign supreme. But pleading the fifth and remaining silent always A wonderful, wonderful tool. And you know, in one of the first podcasts, I talked about how silence is probably one of the best tools or weapons that we have to either suck the air out of the room or fill the the room with air. It is a tipping point in many different ways. But back to the COVID thing, and it was really if you look at the data at this point and all the polarizing opinions, everybody has one about it, because we lived through it together. It's estimated that around eighty percent of Folks got at least one dose of the vaccine. So that means one in five didn't, if we're estimating. And it just reminds you that people have all their fears and will do whatever's in their best interest to do for them. Period. The end. Right? But in that story, what I'm going back to here is you look at those bullets, right, about include or exclude. Think about the vaccinations. Think about the dinner talk. Think about friends and family. I recall people saying some really, really mean, mean, mean things. And I'm not vaxxed. I'll never get vaxxed. Not for that stuff. Hell no. my kids aren't, you know, and I think I think I think I laugh about that a little bit now as people pr try to project it onto you as a moral judgment, a value judgment. Are you good or bad 'cause you got faxed and try to pressure you with that stuff. They'll mock you. And then they'll dare you into other behaviors that aren't helpful, right? So at the end of the day, right, if I know for a fact that somebody got vaxxed, right, of whatever reasons, and it doesn't matter, it's not a value judgment, but I just know in my mind that they can be played within these capacities. They can be excluded, they can be pressured, they can be mocked, and they can be dared, and it'll work on them. So when you're dealing with somebody for whatever the reason that is unvaxxed and it seems like they have half a brain, that isn't somebody to trouble with because if you're gonna try to exclude pressure, mock, or dare that person, there's a good chance they're gonna file that in the bank and remember that. I know I do. And you know, and I think the the amazing thing in all of it is like, man, how how how people fell into this trap of self limiting beliefs because they couldn't separate what was going on in front of them versus the bigger picture and vision of how we fit into the whole thing, how insignificant we might be in the whole whole schematic of the whole thing. Because they overinflated their own well being and safety before others. And if you think about it, any sort of genocides, pogroms, holocaust, any sort of stuff where people have been exploited in history, right? Enslaved, abused, neglected on scale, it has always been done through the same lens and filters to strike fear into people and try to divide families and things of that nature and friends, and not draw parallels and similarities. And what Fauci showed you is exactly what that is. There were people out there singing for him and dancing and having parades, right? And they were believing his stuff and he's a good man, he's a saint, he cares about you and pa ba ba ba ba I just I just can't help think, like I look people in the face at times and like if I know, like say something to me about something and I look at them like, guy, your opinion, you don't even have a good opinion of yourself. You don't have a good opinion of yourself, and you're gonna project to me we have an opinion about me or someone else or something I care about. You don't even have a good opinion of yourself that you couldn't say no to a vaccine that you knew wasn't the right thing to do if you're so smart. Man, those are the people I feel bad for. Not the ones that are convinced by their old BS and you know they're quick to go to the pharmaceuticals as the solution. It's the that like there's like a twenty percenter in there. Let's say there's another twenty percent. The twenty percent are like made like that. Hell no. You're not doing that. You can't get off my property. But then there's the other twenty percent in between that want to be like that, but they're not that. Because they w they they want to be included and they can be pressured and mocked, they wanna be liked and well received, they don't want to be judged, and they hear how cruel and nasty people talk about the people that aren't or don't do the thing. my children to be aware that stuff. my my daughter to be hyper aware and my son to d to crush that stuff. You know. Yeah, a hundred percent. Hundred percent. And align with guys and gals that are are that are in the business of thinking and making decisions. Cause the sooner you align with the people that are in the business of thinking and making decisions, especially for themselves, you you're aligned with the right kind of people. The world gets better. But yeah, resilience. And that's how you build it all up, man. It's the positive ad adaptation of a system during or following significant disturbances. Right? That's resilience. And resilience introduces optionality. And again, if thinking and making decisions is the game and optionality is introduced, you'd be surprised how many people will take the easy way. And I would say physically through financially, there's many people I have seen witness and observe that put themselves into all sorts of bad situations because they want to be included or they're pressured, mocked, or they they're dared, right? Me, I'm I'm not that I I look to include people, I'm gonna make them part of it. I'm more laissez-faire, I'm not gonna tell you what to do or what not to do. I I can mess up my own life without you. and I like to praise people and for being awesome and great. and encourage and support, never harass unless there's a fire in the building. Or a gunfight. I get a little harassing a little harassing fire from the Vince, a little harassing language. Man, thirty minutes. Thirty minutes all over the place. Message for my kids though. I don't know. But yeah. We want to test that resilience. Gotta get out in the arena. But I I'll never ever ever ever forget. I will never forget that code stuff. Absolute insanity. Cheers. Enjoy the day.