Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The Lived Reality of Working Motherhood | Ep. 198

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The Lived Reality of Working Motherhood | Ep. 198 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:00
  Andrea: for me it was kind of a shift.
• 0:02
  Andrea: I kind of had to let go of my own expectations about.
• 0:06
  Andrea: My identity and who I was gonna be as a musician,
• 0:11
  Speaker: If you've ever felt torn between being needed at home and being relied on elsewhere, you're not imagining that tension.
• 0:23
  Speaker: It's a real part of working motherhood and it shapes far more of our days than we often name out loud.
• 0:33
  Speaker: This conversation sits right inside that reality.
• 0:38
  Speaker: The quiet calculations, the constant choices, the question of how to show up well in more than one place at a time.
• 0:50
  Speaker: I'm Cheryl Lange and you're listening to The Parenting Podcast.
• 0:55
  Speaker: I'm really glad you're here with us.
• 0:57
  Speaker: Pull up a chair and listen in.
• 1:08
  Cheryl new: One of the things, Christie, that I enjoy the most about doing the Parenting podcast is when we have wonderful people come in and we get to talk with them like we do today.
• 1:19
  Cheryl new: Me too.
• 1:19
  Cheryl new: Yes.
• 1:20
  Christie: It's so fun to meet new friends,
• 1:21
  Cheryl new: especially mom, friends.
• 1:23
  Cheryl new: Yes.
• 1:23
  Cheryl new: And so.
• 1:25
  Cheryl new: Uh, audience, you're in for a treat.
• 1:27
  Cheryl new: Two friends of mine long term, I've, I go back decades knowing y'all.
• 1:32
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 1:32
  Cheryl new: And invited them in because each of them has something in common with one another and with a whole lot of you.
• 1:40
  Cheryl new: These women love their children.
• 1:42
  Cheryl new: They're dedicated to their families, and they also are employed in a job.
• 1:48
  Cheryl new: And that brings a lot of complication, doesn't it?
• 1:51
  Cheryl new: I can't.
• 1:52
  Cheryl new: Sure does.
• 1:53
  Cheryl new: So that's why we wanted to have you in here.
• 1:56
  Cheryl new: We have Tiffany Smith and Andrea Soltani and y'all.
• 2:00
  Cheryl new: Long term listeners.
• 2:00
  Cheryl new: You know Andrea?
• 2:01
  Cheryl new: She's our resident musician, right?
• 2:03
  Andrea: Yes.
• 2:04
  Andrea: Hello.
• 2:04
  Andrea: Thanks for having me back.
• 2:05
  Andrea: Oh, that wonderful.
• 2:06
  Andrea: Um, my, my name is Andrea and I have.
• 2:09
  Andrea: Four kids.
• 2:10
  Andrea: They are 13, 10, 3, and one.
• 2:14
  Andrea: So I've kind of got two sets of, of kiddos.
• 2:17
  Cheryl new: What do you do as a working mom?
• 2:18
  Andrea: Yeah, so I am a music teacher.
• 2:20
  Andrea: I teach the cello and some other instruments, but mostly cello.
• 2:24
  Andrea: And my husband and I own and operate our own music school.
• 2:28
  Andrea: Um, so I.
• 2:31
  Andrea: Spend a couple days a week teaching and then helping to run the school.
• 2:35
  Cheryl new: Oh, it's a lot.
• 2:35
  Cheryl new: It's a lot.
• 2:36
  Cheryl new: Tiffany, tell'em what you do.
• 2:37
  Tiffany: Yeah, I'm Tiffany and I'm a nurse, but I now work more in the wellness area and do neurofeedback.
• 2:43
  Tiffany: So I am now self-employed.
• 2:46
  Tiffany: Um, and I have six kids.
• 2:48
  Tiffany: So, and their ages at range.
• 2:50
  Tiffany: What are their age?
• 2:50
  Tiffany: From almost 13 to 24.
• 2:54
  Tiffany: Wow.
• 2:54
  Tiffany: And how many are still at home?
• 2:55
  Tiffany: We still have four in the house right now.
• 2:58
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 2:58
  Cheryl new: So we could just talk about how busy your lives are.
• 3:01
  Cheryl new: Yes.
• 3:02
  Cheryl new: Just for that.
• 3:03
  Andrea: Might need some of your wisdom on the older kids.
• 3:06
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 3:06
  Andrea: We,
• 3:06
  Tiffany: we call ours the bigs and the littles too.
• 3:08
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 3:08
  Tiffany: We have like three bigger and three littles.
• 3:10
  Tiffany: So the littles don't love it all the time because we're like, who's got the littles?
• 3:14
  Tiffany: We call'em the big
• 3:15
  Andrea: kids and the babies.
• 3:16
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 3:16
  Andrea: We be calling them the babies when they're Yeah.
• 3:19
  Andrea: 13.
• 3:20
  Cheryl new: Yep.
• 3:21
  Cheryl new: And see, for me I remember when yours were babies.
• 3:23
  Cheryl new: I know.
• 3:24
  Cheryl new: And now you're telling me they're so old.
• 3:26
  Cheryl new: I know.
• 3:26
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 3:27
  Cheryl new: It's happened very quickly.
• 3:28
  Cheryl new: It does.
• 3:28
  Cheryl new: Alright, so, uh, tell us a little bit, uh, have you always worked as a mother and we're gonna be cautious'cause we realize all mothers work and we could say employed, but we're not gonna just keep saying employed.
• 3:41
  Cheryl new: So we're just going to use the term work.
• 3:44
  Cheryl new: Whether you work outside the home or inside the home, we're talking about you are in a paycheck.
• 3:49
  Cheryl new: So let's just do that.
• 3:50
  Cheryl new: Tell us, have you always done it?
• 3:52
  Cheryl new: Is it something new?
• 3:54
  Cheryl new: Um, how long?
• 3:55
  Cheryl new: And a little bit of information about that and how much of your week do you work?
• 3:59
  Cheryl new: And, uh, just give us a little synopsis.
• 4:02
  Cheryl new: Yeah,
• 4:03
  Tiffany: I have always worked.
• 4:04
  Tiffany: Um, I'm part-time to full-time.
• 4:08
  Tiffany: Um, I've worked outside of the home, inside of the home.
• 4:10
  Tiffany: I've done shift work where I've done, you know, three days, 12 hours, four days, 10 hours.
• 4:15
  Tiffany: Wow.
• 4:16
  Tiffany: Yeah, I was even employed when I did nursing school with kids.
• 4:19
  Tiffany: Um, wow.
• 4:20
  Tiffany: So I've always done something.
• 4:23
  Tiffany: Um, but it's just changed on the seasons of life on how much, and, um, you know what it works with, my husband's also a first responder, so his schedule is, he's gone 24 hours at a time, which creates a whole nother complication for scheduling we could do a podcast on.
• 4:40
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 4:40
  Tiffany: That's being married to
• 4:41
  Cheryl new: people with these kind of first time.
• 4:42
  Cheryl new: Yes.
• 4:43
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 4:43
  Tiffany: So.
• 4:44
  Tiffany: Yeah, but I've always worked outside of the home.
• 4:47
  Cheryl new: Oh wow.
• 4:47
  Cheryl new: And so like how many hours generally do you work now?
• 4:51
  Tiffany: Um.
• 4:52
  Tiffany: I would say like I see clients at least 30 hours.
• 4:58
  Tiffany: Okay.
• 4:58
  Tiffany: And then I have days that I call, like work at home days where I'm doing scheduling and other follow up and charting kind of.
• 5:04
  Tiffany: Mm-hmm.
• 5:04
  Tiffany: So pretty much full time.
• 5:05
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 5:05
  Cheryl new: A little flexible in your timing?
• 5:07
  Cheryl new: Probably
• 5:07
  Tiffany: flexible.
• 5:08
  Tiffany: I'm able to arrange, get off to get kids and things like that.
• 5:12
  Tiffany: But Good.
• 5:12
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 5:12
  Tiffany: It's still full-time.
• 5:14
  Tiffany: Interesting.
• 5:14
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 5:15
  Cheryl new: Okay.
• 5:15
  Cheryl new: Andrea, what about you?
• 5:16
  Andrea: Yeah, so.
• 5:17
  Andrea: When I first became a mom, um, in my early twenties, I was a stay at home mom for, um, for a season of time.
• 5:25
  Andrea: And then I had, um, gone back to school.
• 5:28
  Andrea: So I was finishing up my degree at UCO.
• 5:31
  Andrea: So that kind of counts as work, right?
• 5:33
  Andrea: Because outside the house, and it takes a lot of hours even when you are at home that you have to dedicate to studying and stuff like that.
• 5:40
  Andrea: So I did that for a while and then, um, I, yeah, I guess I.
• 5:46
  Andrea: Mostly have experience with working from the home.
• 5:50
  Andrea: So teaching cello from my house.
• 5:52
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 5:53
  Andrea: Um, which is a balancing act in and of itself.
• 5:55
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 5:55
  Andrea: Yes.
• 5:56
  Andrea: Especially when you have little toddlers running around.
• 5:58
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 5:58
  Andrea: Um, and then only just recently, like this last summer, this is the first time I've actually worked outside of the home because we opened our school.
• 6:06
  Andrea: Oh.
• 6:06
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 6:06
  Andrea: So having a location where I'm teaching that is not my house is great.
• 6:11
  Andrea: It's actually created a lot of, um.
• 6:15
  Andrea: Maybe boundaries, right?
• 6:16
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 6:16
  Andrea: Like a natural boundary.
• 6:17
  Andrea: Okay.
• 6:17
  Andrea: Where it makes it easier to separate myself and like actually just, I'm just gonna leave and I go to the school and I teach.
• 6:23
  Andrea: Um, so that's been nice in some ways, but it's been also challenging in, in, in different ways as well.
• 6:29
  Andrea: So, um, right now I would consider myself part-time employed.
• 6:33
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 6:33
  Andrea: So I teach, um.
• 6:36
  Andrea: One to two days a week, and then I'm doing some administrative things as well.
• 6:41
  Andrea: Um, but yeah, and we'll get into it later, but there's definitely a lot of things that I do at home throughout the day that is.
• 6:48
  Andrea: Technically work, but it's kind of, it's all happening at the same time.
• 6:52
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 6:52
  Andrea: So it's hard to say Exactly, yeah.
• 6:54
  Andrea: How many hours I'm really working.
• 6:57
  Andrea: A lot of what I do is like communications and you know, stuff
• 7:00
  Cheryl new: like that.
• 7:01
  Cheryl new: And that can just eat and eat into free time.
• 7:04
  Cheryl new: And I do wanna come back to it later and ask you, how in the world do you find balance?
• 7:08
  Cheryl new: Okay.
• 7:08
  Cheryl new: Alright, so let me ask you, when you were young, and excuse me, when you were younger and you started working, appreciate that.
• 7:18
  Cheryl new: What expectations as a mom did you have coming into work?
• 7:23
  Tiffany: Hmm.
• 7:24
  Cheryl new: Oh,
• 7:24
  Tiffany: as I work like at, in the work?
• 7:27
  Cheryl new: Like, like when you, you know, became a mom and going to work, just like your expectations, what did you project or what did you expect to find out what it would look like?
• 7:36
  Christie: Just what it would look like being a working mom.
• 7:39
  Tiffany: I don't, you know, my mom worked, my, both of my parents worked.
• 7:42
  Tiffany: My mom worked.
• 7:43
  Tiffany: She got two masters and a doctorate with three children while she worked.
• 7:46
  Tiffany: So I think, I just thought, you just do that.
• 7:50
  Tiffany: I don't, you know, so that was like the example that I had.
• 7:53
  Tiffany: Um, I mean, I definitely, when I had my first kid leaving her felt way harder than I expected it to.
• 8:01
  Tiffany: Um, really craved to be home more, but that actually prompted me to go back to nursing school so that I could have shift work and have a different kind of a schedule where I wasn't nine to five.
• 8:11
  Tiffany: Um, yeah, so I think that.
• 8:14
  Tiffany: You know, helped me see like, okay, I'm gonna have to figure out something different here where I can actually be mom first, which is what I wanted.
• 8:23
  Tiffany: Excellent.
• 8:23
  Tiffany: So,
• 8:24
  Cheryl new: mm-hmm.
• 8:24
  Cheryl new: What about you, Andrea?
• 8:25
  Cheryl new: What expectations, or what was it like, did you know you're gonna work?
• 8:30
  Cheryl new: Or how did it unfold?
• 8:33
  Andrea: I didn't necessarily know that I was gonna work.
• 8:35
  Andrea: I've always been interested in doing music in some capacity sort of.
• 8:42
  Andrea: Not for my own sake, but just because it's what I love, Uhhuh and it's a creative pursuit for me, like an artistic pursuit as well as a job.
• 8:50
  Andrea: So when there had been seasons in my life where I didn't have to work, I was grateful for that kind of creative freedom.
• 8:57
  Andrea: But then there came a time where it was a necessity.
• 9:00
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 9:01
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 9:01
  Andrea: And I was so thankful that, um, I'm a Christian and I just was so thankful that I felt like God gave me the.
• 9:08
  Andrea: The skills to be able to leverage my passion and what I was talented at as something that could, you know, bring in income mm-hmm.
• 9:18
  Andrea: For my kids and me.
• 9:19
  Andrea: Um, I don't, so I, I always just kind of approached it from this.
• 9:23
  Andrea: Stance of being really, really grateful that I, I had some flexibility.
• 9:28
  Andrea: 'cause I know that not everybody has that, right?
• 9:31
  Andrea: No, and it really depends on what, you know, what your career is, what your, where your skillset is, you know?
• 9:37
  Andrea: Um, so yeah, I don't know what my expectations were, but I was certainly very grateful that I could do it from my house.
• 9:46
  Andrea: Um.
• 9:47
  Andrea: But that could be challenging as well.
• 9:48
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 9:48
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 9:49
  Cheryl new: And you know, both of you, because your careers you chose is your heart passion.
• 9:54
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 9:55
  Cheryl new: As well.
• 9:55
  Cheryl new: It's a real blessing to be able to do what you love and what you care about and to pour out to others.
• 10:01
  Cheryl new: Right.
• 10:01
  Cheryl new: And to give to them.
• 10:03
  Cheryl new: Um, so interesting.
• 10:05
  Cheryl new: Okay.
• 10:06
  Cheryl new: So when you started working and had children.
• 10:11
  Cheryl new: I know what you had to take on.
• 10:13
  Cheryl new: Okay, so parenting is a more than full-time job.
• 10:16
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 10:17
  Cheryl new: Period.
• 10:17
  Cheryl new: Working is a full-time job.
• 10:20
  Cheryl new: So what did you have to let go of?
• 10:22
  Cheryl new: What are some things, oh.
• 10:23
  Cheryl new: Tell us a little bit of your story as you began to evolve.
• 10:27
  Cheryl new: What were some things you realized early on or as it moved along that you had to let go of?
• 10:32
  Cheryl new: Hmm.
• 10:35
  Tiffany: Oh yeah, I think, I mean, I feel like that's been different in seasons and some things I let go of, I've.
• 10:41
  Tiffany: And wisdom have brought back that I needed.
• 10:44
  Tiffany: Okay.
• 10:44
  Tiffany: So can you tell, can you tell us about it?
• 10:46
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 10:46
  Tiffany: Like, I think as walk
• 10:47
  Cheryl new: us through that process.
• 10:48
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 10:48
  Tiffany: As kids were younger, like you're not sleeping.
• 10:52
  Tiffany: I wasn't taking care of myself physically.
• 10:54
  Tiffany: I wasn't necessarily making exercise a priority, which is necessary for physical and mental health.
• 11:01
  Tiffany: And so those are things now that I schedule in.
• 11:05
  Tiffany: Excellent.
• 11:05
  Tiffany: Um, and make sure that I do, because I know.
• 11:08
  Tiffany: They ultimately make me a better mom and wife.
• 11:11
  Tiffany: Um, so I think you know, at least for me, my tendency was to self-sacrifice or sacrifice my own self instead of sacrificing outside things that maybe should have.
• 11:23
  Tiffany: And then in wisdom it was like, oh, we need to rebalance this a little bit.
• 11:26
  Tiffany: So.
• 11:27
  Tiffany: I mean, definitely time with friends or I mean, I have a million people I would enjoy and would love to see weekly, and that doesn't happen.
• 11:36
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 11:37
  Tiffany: Um, and, but I do maintain close, um, friendships that I can and relationships.
• 11:42
  Tiffany: But I do think that's one thing.
• 11:44
  Tiffany: It's every single thing that's presented to you, you know, do you wanna go to this book club or this or that?
• 11:50
  Tiffany: It's, it's.
• 11:51
  Tiffany: Really an act of like, do I have the margin in my life to do this right now in this season or not?
• 11:56
  Tiffany: Wow.
• 11:57
  Tiffany: And so, yeah, I think it's just different in different times when they're little.
• 12:01
  Tiffany: It's really hard.
• 12:03
  Tiffany: Bless your heart.
• 12:04
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 12:04
  Tiffany: Because
• 12:05
  Cheryl new: that was gonna be my next question.
• 12:06
  Cheryl new: Thank you.
• 12:07
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 12:07
  Cheryl new: How do you carve out time?
• 12:08
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 12:09
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 12:09
  Cheryl new: Clearly, you're very, very seasoned in this Y Yes.
• 12:12
  Cheryl new: Okay.
• 12:12
  Cheryl new: And I wanna hear from Andrea, but I'm gonna ask you.
• 12:15
  Cheryl new: Did it take you a long time to get to that point?
• 12:18
  Cheryl new: Because I didn't work outside of the home, but I was
• 12:23
  Cheryl A: overly Committed to my family and I was a widowed parent and I did a, a, a lot of work with families and yeah, and that sort of thing, but it wasn't a nine to five job and I.
• 12:36
  Cheryl A: Almost train wrecked myself.
• 12:38
  Cheryl A: Yeah, just doing too much.
• 12:39
  Cheryl A: I was gonna say, I would say you did work out
• 12:42
  Tiffany: kind of the home, by the way.
• 12:43
  Tiffany: I know what you're saying, but it, it is.
• 12:46
  Tiffany: Isn't that our tendency though, to say just'cause we didn't go clock in or clock out.
• 12:50
  Tiffany: Yeah, but, and to say what she was saying, the times that I have worked from home are the hardest.
• 12:57
  Tiffany: Oh, um, they were the hardest to maintain boundaries.
• 13:00
  Tiffany: Mm-hmm.
• 13:01
  Tiffany: Um, just like that, like I run my own businesses as well and at home, answering those emails, the phone going off, um, with kids, it's, it's a blessing.
• 13:10
  Tiffany: It's very, but it is hard.
• 13:11
  Tiffany: It's easier when you leave the home sometimes,'cause.
• 13:15
  Tiffany: Know, early on I had a friend tell me, be present where you are.
• 13:18
  Tiffany: Mm.
• 13:18
  Tiffany: And so if I was at the hospital, my problem was my patients in the hospital.
• 13:23
  Tiffany: It wasn't my kids or my husband or the house.
• 13:25
  Tiffany: It was what was in front of me.
• 13:27
  Tiffany: And when I was at home, I was at home.
• 13:29
  Tiffany: I wasn't worried about the shift or what was going on there.
• 13:32
  Tiffany: But when you're working from home, that's really difficult.
• 13:36
  Tiffany: Wow.
• 13:36
  Tiffany: And also a big blessing though, because you're with the kids and it's like, okay, I can just answer this email, but then turn around and be with them.
• 13:42
  Tiffany: So, I mean, you were working from the home, but I do think that is the hardest part.
• 13:47
  Tiffany: And you, you tend to just let yourself Yeah.
• 13:51
  Tiffany: You're, you just shoot your own body.
• 13:54
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 13:54
  Tiffany: Um, and so yeah, it took me.
• 13:56
  Tiffany: A long time to season myself and realize like, okay, I have to put myself as a priority in this and make some shifts in schools and things that we were doing with the kids.
• 14:08
  Tiffany: It had to change.
• 14:09
  Tiffany: And part of that was, yeah, I have to put myself first here so that my family can be first, you know?
• 14:16
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 14:16
  Tiffany: And so rearranging those.
• 14:17
  Tiffany: But yeah, I, I mean, it took me a long time.
• 14:20
  Cheryl new: And then what you're saying is like what, do every single time you're in an airplane is they
• 14:25
  Cheryl A: announce if that oxygen drops down, put on your own mask first, then someone else's, because you're not saying it's all about me instead, it was such a struggle.
• 14:36
  Cheryl A: Yeah.
• 14:36
  Cheryl A: To get to this place of what sounds like some real balance.
• 14:40
  Cheryl A: Yeah.
• 14:40
  Cheryl A: Well done.
• 14:41
  Cheryl A: Mm-hmm.
• 14:41
  Cheryl A: So you're hearing that, Andrea, what would you say about your situation?
• 14:47
  Andrea: Well, I think your original question was what did you have to sacrifice?
• 14:51
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 14:51
  Andrea: Right.
• 14:52
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 14:52
  Cheryl new: What, what did you have to let go of?
• 14:55
  Andrea: What'd you have to let go of?
• 14:56
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 14:56
  Andrea: You
• 14:56
  Cheryl new: know?
• 14:56
  Cheryl new: And then are you able to carve out time or are you just still back where Tiffany was?
• 15:03
  Andrea: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:04
  Andrea: Um, I guess my answer's a little bit different.
• 15:07
  Andrea: Um, I think whenever you're a young musician and you go to music school, everything's very like.
• 15:15
  Andrea: You centered?
• 15:16
  Andrea: It's very like competitive and it's like, well, are you gonna be the best or are you gonna be the best?
• 15:20
  Andrea: And what are you gonna do?
• 15:20
  Andrea: Are you gonna be a performer?
• 15:21
  Andrea: Are you gonna be a teacher?
• 15:23
  Andrea: Well, I was always on the performance track.
• 15:25
  Andrea: I loved performing and I was interested in, and so for me it was kind of a shift.
• 15:30
  Andrea: One thing I kind of had to let go of were my own expectations about.
• 15:35
  Andrea: My identity and who I was gonna be as a musician, right?
• 15:39
  Andrea: So if I'm gonna to pursue this, I'm gonna play, what does that look like?
• 15:43
  Andrea: So I had to say no to a lot of things, like you said, what do you say no to?
• 15:47
  Andrea: You know, how do you commit yourself?
• 15:49
  Andrea: For me, it was, I can't take.
• 15:52
  Andrea: Performing gigs that are out of state.
• 15:54
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 15:55
  Andrea: Or go do some super cool European tour, like, those things just don't work.
• 16:00
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 16:00
  Andrea: I mean, I guess I suppose you could if you were willing to sacrifice time with your kids, but you know, so I had to make those choices about my own career and what would that look like?
• 16:08
  Andrea: So it was a real mind set shift for me whenever I decided, okay, I'm gonna teach and that's not for my own.
• 16:19
  Andrea: Like pride or glory.
• 16:22
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 16:22
  Andrea: Or recognition.
• 16:23
  Andrea: I'm laying my life down in service to my students and grateful for this opportunity that I can do that because I can stay with my kids.
• 16:34
  o: Mm.
• 16:35
  o: Wow.
• 16:35
  Andrea: So I feel like that's, I mean, a little different answer.
• 16:38
  Andrea: I mean, actually.
• 16:39
  Andrea: Very much identify with like everything you said.
• 16:42
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 16:42
  Andrea: So, yes, all of that.
• 16:43
  Andrea: And I think one thing I had to let go of were my own expectations about like, who I would be in my own career, quote unquote, right?
• 16:50
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 16:51
  Andrea: And like what the function of that and what that would look like.
• 16:54
  Andrea: So kind of shifting my mindset to more of like a service, um, kinda more sacrificial.
• 17:01
  Cheryl new: I hear sacrifice all over this.
• 17:03
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 17:04
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 17:04
  Cheryl new: You know, and also listening to you.
• 17:07
  Cheryl new: I'm so thankful that it's now very appropriate in our culture to talk about self-awareness.
• 17:15
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 17:15
  Cheryl new: And both of you, you became self-aware enough I, I hear mm-hmm.
• 17:19
  Cheryl new: That the things y'all are willing to give up and then what you have to do to put your
• 17:24
  Cheryl A: oxygen Mask on for yourself and being willing to lay down your life for your family.
• 17:30
  Cheryl A: In the healthiest way you can find that.
• 17:32
  Cheryl A: You can.
• 17:33
  Cheryl A: Mm-hmm.
• 17:33
  Andrea: Well, that being said, I don't have time to exercise.
• 17:39
  Andrea: I, yeah.
• 17:40
  Andrea: So I'm also kind of in that season too, where it's like I am, I, I often do overextend myself Yeah.
• 17:47
  Andrea: To my own detriment.
• 17:48
  Andrea: And I have to try to draw those healthy boundaries and try to say, okay, um, I have to take care of myself so I can take care of others well.
• 17:57
  Andrea: So I don't get burned out.
• 17:58
  Andrea: Right.
• 17:58
  Andrea: That's definitely a constant struggle for me right
• 18:01
  Cheryl new: now.
• 18:02
  Cheryl new: Well, I recently talking to a young mom who works and is a mom and one of the things that she said,'cause she was in this dilemma, what both of you're talking about.
• 18:13
  Cheryl new: I'm doing too much.
• 18:14
  Cheryl new: I can't get everything done.
• 18:16
  Cheryl new: I can't.
• 18:16
  Cheryl new: I can't, I can't.
• 18:17
  Cheryl new: And and realizing there was too much to go on the plate.
• 18:20
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 18:21
  Cheryl new: And then what she does is she started, and I heard you both allude to it.
• 18:26
  Cheryl new: She started
• 18:27
  Cheryl A: asking, I.
• 18:29
  Cheryl A: Where can I start taking off what someone else could do?
• 18:33
  Cheryl A: Mm-hmm.
• 18:33
  Cheryl A: Now I wanna do it all.
• 18:35
  Cheryl A: I wanna be it all.
• 18:36
  Cheryl A: I want to love my family and be the one that completely pours it all out.
• 18:41
  Cheryl A: But the realistic situation was I can't mm-hmm.
• 18:45
  Cheryl A: Under the circumstances, and that's what she started, um, listing was.
• 18:51
  Cheryl A: What things can I either hire someone else to do?
• 18:54
  Cheryl A: Yeah.
• 18:54
  Cheryl A: Or just allow someone else to do delegating,
• 18:57
  Andrea: outsourcing.
• 18:57
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 18:58
  Andrea: Outsourcing
• 18:58
  Cheryl new: I think is a great answer.
• 18:59
  Cheryl new: You mentioned you changed your schooling situation.
• 19:02
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 19:02
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 19:02
  Cheryl new: Going, okay, I can let someone do that, but nobody else can be the primary parent.
• 19:07
  Cheryl new: Right.
• 19:08
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 19:09
  Andrea: You were talking about school choices and.
• 19:12
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 19:12
  Andrea: When I had my younger two kids, so then we, you know, we doubled our kids in Two years and I was still trying to work.
• 19:21
  Andrea: One thing that I did was I changed my expectations about my ability to homeschool.
• 19:27
  Andrea: And so I decided to send my kids to like a kind of a hybrid co-op type school.
• 19:33
  Andrea: And that completely changed everything for me because it allowed me to continue with my own education goals for my kids, which was for them to stay at home and be homeschooled, but it.
• 19:44
  Andrea: Help me kind of outsource some of that so that I could have help and support, and I was not solely responsible mm-hmm.
• 19:51
  Andrea: For all of the curriculum choices and, you know, so it gave us a little more structure and really allowed me to continue.
• 19:57
  Cheryl new: So what I like about what you're just saying is when we're young, we're so idealistic.
• 20:03
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 20:03
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 20:03
  Cheryl new: You know, we just did a whole set of series on, there's just no pattern, there's no fix.
• 20:09
  Cheryl new: There's not just this, oh, if I read this book, if I do this right, that would be y'all parenting along, you know?
• 20:15
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 20:15
  Cheryl new: Alright.
• 20:15
  Cheryl new: And that idealism that I can do it all.
• 20:19
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 20:19
  Cheryl new: I, I'm gonna
• 20:20
  Andrea: do it all by myself.
• 20:21
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 20:21
  Andrea: That's it.
• 20:21
  Cheryl new: And I love what you're talking about.
• 20:24
  Cheryl new: You did what that other young mom did that you evaluated and said, okay, this is a place I can reach out, I can outsource.
• 20:30
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 20:30
  Cheryl new: So I have more to be a source for my kids.
• 20:33
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 20:33
  Cheryl new: When they need me.
• 20:34
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 20:34
  Cheryl new: Well,
• 20:35
  Christie: and what I love about it is.
• 20:38
  Christie: We say at our house, you can do it all, but you can't do it all at once.
• 20:41
  Christie: Oh, and so when you're making these decisions to do this school choice for a while, or work this many hours for a while, or outsource this chore for a while, then you're modeling to your kids how to balance and take and give and, and lower your expectations.
• 20:57
  Andrea: How to prioritize.
• 20:59
  Andrea: True.
• 20:59
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:00
  Christie: But you're also having those experiences, you know, maybe you.
• 21:04
  Christie: You don't do gardening for this summer, but you did it last summer.
• 21:08
  Christie: And so they got those experiences.
• 21:10
  Christie: Or maybe you, you know, don't do this school choice this year, you do this one.
• 21:14
  Christie: Well, they had those experiences for a year or for two years or whatever.
• 21:18
  Christie: And so I just think the flexibility to be able to say, that was a great experience for our family, but we're moving to a different one now.
• 21:25
  Christie: Right.
• 21:25
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:26
  Christie: Right.
• 21:26
  Christie: And
• 21:26
  Cheryl new: the humility of that.
• 21:27
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 21:28
  Cheryl new: That I'm not unlimited.
• 21:30
  Andrea: The humility too, I think is.
• 21:32
  Andrea: Like realizing that I'm not gonna make all my decisions just based on what I want.
• 21:37
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 21:38
  Andrea: It's actually what's best for the whole family.
• 21:40
  Andrea: Family, the whole of us.
• 21:41
  Andrea: Right.
• 21:41
  Andrea: So maybe in one area we all have to sacrifice a little bit of something in order to make a better choice for the whole family.
• 21:48
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 21:48
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 21:48
  Andrea: And to make things work, you know?
• 21:51
  Cheryl new: Excellent.
• 21:52
  Cheryl new: Okay.
• 21:52
  Cheryl new: So talk about your sense of identity, it's really hard, uh.
• 21:58
  Cheryl new: Particularly in the active parenting years
• 22:00
  Cheryl A: most moms
• 22:02
  Cheryl new: Struggle or completely fail at not getting her identity out of being a mom.
• 22:06
  Cheryl new: And how your children respond to you, how well you do it, how you perceive, how well you do it.
• 22:12
  Cheryl new: It's just a real struggle.
• 22:13
  Cheryl new: Our identity is wrapped up in it.
• 22:15
  Cheryl new: Then I know a whole lot of people whose identity is wrapped up in their job and their career.
• 22:21
  Cheryl new: Mm.
• 22:21
  Cheryl new: And they really struggle with that.
• 22:23
  Cheryl new: Okay.
• 22:24
  Cheryl new: You have both.
• 22:25
  Cheryl new: So, talk to us a little bit about where you struggled and the struggle with getting your identity and like when you have to lay things down, was that really hard on your identity or what
• 22:38
  Cheryl A: did You do?
• 22:39
  Tiffany: Yeah, I, I mean, I think at first it is when you're younger, and then after a while you're like, get rid of all of it, you know?
• 22:46
  Tiffany: But I,
• 22:48
  o: but
• 22:48
  Tiffany: she, guilt of matters.
• 22:50
  Tiffany: None of this matters.
• 22:51
  Tiffany: You know, you're like, oh, I'm such a good mom.
• 22:54
  Tiffany: And then your kids become teenagers and tell you what all you did wrong, and then you're like, maybe I'm not so great after all.
• 23:02
  Tiffany: You know, I just, so I think.
• 23:04
  Tiffany: It is hard at the beginning.
• 23:06
  Tiffany: As you were saying that I remembered, um, one time my husband telling somebody that I was a stay at home mom and I'd never stayed home and I was so offended.
• 23:17
  Tiffany: I mean, I was just like, why did you stay?
• 23:19
  Tiffany: And I said, I'm a nurse and I, and.
• 23:21
  Tiffany: I don't feel like my identity is being a nurse, but I like had to tell them like, wow, no, I, I'm a working mom, you know?
• 23:27
  Tiffany: And he was like, well, you know what I meant?
• 23:28
  Tiffany: Like, and what he meant was a compliment.
• 23:30
  Tiffany: What he meant was she's an active, dedicated, loving mom.
• 23:34
  Tiffany: Dedicated full time, full-time mom.
• 23:37
  Tiffany: Even though she this.
• 23:38
  Tiffany: So like, he didn't mean it bad, but I was just like horrified.
• 23:41
  Tiffany: Like, how could you say that?
• 23:42
  Tiffany: You know, like I have a piece of paper to say, yeah, I'm qualified for this worked.
• 23:46
  Tiffany: Drop that off and we get a paycheck, the pandemic, you know.
• 23:49
  Tiffany: So, um.
• 23:50
  Tiffany: It's just, I do think as you're younger, you just, your identity does get so wrapped up in those titles, you know, both ways.
• 24:00
  Cheryl new: Because see, I could even hear, and there may be a little identity of I'm a nurse.
• 24:04
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 24:05
  Cheryl new: Don't tell me I'm a stay home mom.
• 24:06
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 24:07
  Cheryl new: I am a full-time mom and a full-time.
• 24:09
  Cheryl new: I mean, yeah, there's an identity
• 24:11
  Tiffany: struggle.
• 24:12
  Tiffany: Right, right.
• 24:13
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 24:13
  Tiffany: I mean, you can do it in both ways.
• 24:15
  Tiffany: I mean, I never have had that like.
• 24:18
  Tiffany: Hyper driven career uhhuh, like, I wanna raise the rinks.
• 24:21
  Tiffany: That's just not, that was my personality.
• 24:24
  Tiffany: But I love what I do and I love being able to help people and I'm blessed to be able to do it.
• 24:30
  Tiffany: Um, so yeah, I don't know if that answered your question really, but I just think it is hard when you're trying to juggle between both things to kind of find your footing and where you fit in.
• 24:43
  Tiffany: I think it's hard to fit in with other moms.
• 24:47
  Tiffany: That do stay home, like who are doing play dates and things like that, and you're like, I can't make it.
• 24:53
  Tiffany: I have to work.
• 24:54
  Tiffany: You know?
• 24:54
  Tiffany: Um, there's kind of an environment in some places, schools and stuff where it's like, you know, which makes sense.
• 25:01
  Tiffany: Like they go out to coffee and they go to, you know, school prayer time or whatever.
• 25:05
  Tiffany: You're like, I gotta get to work.
• 25:07
  Tiffany: I can't be there.
• 25:08
  Cheryl new: Can I ask you.
• 25:09
  Cheryl new: Did you feel other or kind of second rate around that, or it didn't do a hit on you?
• 25:15
  Tiffany: Um, you know, I think sometimes probably, I, I had to just quickly, like you were saying, outsourcing, like, get over.
• 25:23
  Tiffany: I'm not gonna have the homemade goodies at school.
• 25:26
  Tiffany: We're gonna.
• 25:26
  Tiffany: Bring Cumber cookie and guess what?
• 25:28
  Tiffany: They like him better.
• 25:29
  Tiffany: I mean, you know, but like, I had to get over really quick like, I'm gonna have to say no to PTO.
• 25:34
  Tiffany: Mm-hmm.
• 25:35
  Tiffany: And that feels weird to me.
• 25:37
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 25:37
  Tiffany: Because normally I would want to be active, but I just in a season where I can't, um, and when I can, I do.
• 25:44
  Tiffany: But being okay with just not showing up, like, um, moms who don't work are able to do mm-hmm.
• 25:52
  Tiffany: Um, and being okay asking.
• 25:54
  Tiffany: For help, especially my husband's gone 24 hours at a time, so I have to get a lot of help with rides and can you take people home and like, you know, I can't be at every game.
• 26:03
  Tiffany: And yeah, I have to be able to be okay with that.
• 26:07
  Tiffany: Um, but ultimately at the end of the day, my kids know I'm committed to them.
• 26:12
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 26:12
  Tiffany: And they know I love them more than anything and that they're my priority.
• 26:16
  Tiffany: And so that's really where your identity is, is and that they know.
• 26:21
  Tiffany: That you love them and they know that even when you're working, it's for the family and you're helping other people,
• 26:26
  Cheryl new: and you have to hold on that.
• 26:28
  Cheryl new: We talk about it all the time, particularly as they get into the teens and, and their young adulthood and just tell you how much you train, wreck their lives with whatever it is.
• 26:39
  Cheryl new: That's so fun.
• 26:39
  Cheryl new: We just laugh.
• 26:40
  Cheryl new: Because, oh, you homeschooled me.
• 26:42
  Cheryl new: You didn't homeschool me.
• 26:44
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 26:44
  Cheryl new: You worked.
• 26:45
  Cheryl new: You didn't work.
• 26:46
  Cheryl new: We did too many sports.
• 26:47
  Cheryl new: We did too little sports.
• 26:48
  Cheryl new: We focused on science.
• 26:49
  Cheryl new: We didn't do enough stems.
• 26:50
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 26:50
  Cheryl new: Whatever it is, you know?
• 26:52
  Cheryl new: Right, right.
• 26:53
  Cheryl new: I'm glad you fought so
• 26:55
  Cheryl A: much for that healthiness.
• 26:57
  Christie: you didn't know, Andrea, what was coming on the pike.
• 27:00
  Christie: Wait, it's so fun and so it really is true what you said.
• 27:04
  Christie: It kind of doesn't matter.
• 27:06
  Christie: No.
• 27:06
  Christie: You know, I mean,
• 27:07
  Tiffany: you can't make the all the right decision.
• 27:08
  Tiffany: No, you can't.
• 27:09
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 27:09
  Tiffany: They're gonna think you should have done something different.
• 27:12
  Tiffany: Or why did we go to this school?
• 27:13
  Tiffany: Why did we do this?
• 27:14
  Tiffany: Why didn't we do this?
• 27:15
  Tiffany: Right.
• 27:16
  Tiffany: And it's like, because it, it's like you said, though, I have six kids.
• 27:19
  Tiffany: It's, we have to look at.
• 27:21
  Tiffany: You know, making decisions for the family.
• 27:23
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 27:23
  Tiffany: Mm-hmm.
• 27:23
  Tiffany: Not even just every individual kid.
• 27:25
  Tiffany: And obviously we try to do what's best for every kid, but that does mean we've delayed sports.
• 27:30
  Tiffany: And kids who could be on big tournament teams aren't necessarily, because it just doesn't work for the family environment as a whole.
• 27:37
  Tiffany: And that's okay.
• 27:38
  Cheryl new: Um, what a rich thing.
• 27:40
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 27:40
  Cheryl new: To give your children and, yeah.
• 27:44
  Cheryl new: An only child would struggle because there isn't everybody to consider, so it looks really nice'cause they get whatever they want, except they're not learning what your children are learning
• 27:55
  Cheryl A: about family, Community and sacrifice.
• 27:58
  Cheryl A: Mm-hmm.
• 27:58
  Cheryl A: Okay.
• 27:58
  Cheryl A: What about you, Andrea How would you
• 28:00
  Andrea: Yeah, I'd say I, I definitely had to.
• 28:03
  Andrea: Uh, once again, kind of had to mature into this, but it's really, really hard to separate your identity from what you're able to accomplish and do.
• 28:13
  Andrea: Wow.
• 28:13
  Andrea: So like your identity as a mom, whether you're a working mom full-time, um, or whether you're a full-time stay at home mom and you don't work outside of the home at all or in the home.
• 28:24
  Andrea: Um, it's a lot of work either way.
• 28:26
  Andrea: Right.
• 28:26
  Andrea: But it's like not.
• 28:30
  Andrea: Like not valuing who you are based on how well you momed that day, or like whether or not you made the, it's like I would be the person who's like, no, I, I have to make the homemade muffins.
• 28:40
  Andrea: Don't make them, I just don't do it like I used to.
• 28:43
  Andrea: Right.
• 28:43
  Andrea: But let's
• 28:43
  Cheryl new: overcompensate a lot.
• 28:45
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 28:45
  Andrea: Because you, you, you're seeing your worth in how Well, wow.
• 28:50
  Andrea: Like other people perceive you doing your job, whether it's a mom or your actual, your, your job outside the home.
• 28:56
  Andrea: So I think I've had to like.
• 28:58
  Andrea: Mature through that.
• 28:59
  Andrea: Like, um, my identity is not in how well I've done something or like what I do or what I've accomplished, like I said earlier about being a musician, right?
• 29:10
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 29:10
  Andrea: I didn't win a whole bunch of competitions.
• 29:12
  Andrea: I haven't, you know, whatever played with, you know, the London Philharmonic or I haven't, you know, done these like really awesome like resume things, right?
• 29:22
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 29:22
  Andrea: But I can.
• 29:24
  Andrea: Step back and say, but I've dedicated my life to things that are important to me.
• 29:28
  Andrea: Mm, wow.
• 29:29
  Andrea: You know, teaching and, and like all the things that brings, or like having children who are happy.
• 29:35
  Andrea: So I think you have to kinda look more at like the, the fruit of your life.
• 29:38
  Andrea: Like, are, are you happy?
• 29:41
  Andrea: Do you have joy in your life?
• 29:43
  Andrea: Are you at peace?
• 29:44
  Andrea: With the decisions that you've made, right?
• 29:47
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 29:47
  Andrea: And so for me, I had to kind of, yeah, make that shift from like, it's not about what I accomplish or what I do.
• 29:53
  Andrea: That's not my identity.
• 29:54
  Andrea: My identity lies in something a little more foundational and like.
• 29:59
  Andrea: It's, yeah, I think just approaching it from more of a gratitude standpoint helped me a lot.
• 30:04
  Cheryl new: Wow.
• 30:05
  Cheryl new: Yeah.
• 30:05
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 30:05
  Cheryl new: And we have used a way all of our time and I just love listening to you.
• 30:11
  Cheryl new: 'cause what you're saying has nothing to do with the fact that you're employed or not employed or where, or how much you're talking about.
• 30:20
  Cheryl new: How we should live this life.
• 30:22
  Cheryl new: Well.
• 30:22
  Cheryl new: Mm-hmm.
• 30:23
  Cheryl new: And love others.
• 30:23
  Cheryl new: Well, I'd love this.
• 30:25
  Cheryl new: Will y'all come back?
• 30:26
  Cheryl new: 'cause I have a whole bunch more questions I want to ask Related to being an employed mother.
• 30:31
  Cheryl new: How about we say that?
• 30:34
  Cheryl new: Whatever.
• 30:35
  Andrea: That's hard.
• 30:35
  Andrea: All moms are employed.
• 30:36
  Tiffany: That'd right.
• 30:37
  Tiffany: We're working.
• 30:38
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 30:38
  Tiffany: Yeah.
• 30:38
  Tiffany: And so we
• 30:39
  Cheryl new: kind of talked again a little philosophically today.
• 30:43
  Cheryl new: What about if we come back and y'all kind of share more of the practical about, well, this is what I did when I didn't know what to do and here's how you handle this.
• 30:50
  Cheryl new: Challenge and so forth.
• 30:51
  Cheryl new: Will you come back?
• 30:51
  Cheryl new: Please?
• 30:52
  Cheryl new: Absolutely.
• 30:53
  Cheryl new: Would love to.
• 30:53
  Cheryl new: Absolutely To.
• 30:54
  Cheryl new: Thank you.
• 30:54
  Cheryl new: Thank you so much.
• 30:54
  Cheryl new: Thanks.
• 30:54
  Cheryl new: Asking.
• 30:55
  Cheryl new: Okay.
• 30:56
  Cheryl new: So hey parents.
• 30:57
  Cheryl new: Remember, hang in there.
• 30:59
  Cheryl new: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 31:04
  As you step back into the rest of your day work, still waiting, kids still needing you, decisions still unfinished.
• 31:15
  I hope this conversation offered you a little steadiness along the way.
• 31:20
  Working motherhood asks a lot, often without clean edges or clear affirmation and showing up day after day in that tension matters more than you probably give yourself credit for.
• 31:38
  What you're carrying is complex and demanding and doing it imperfectly.
• 31:45
  But faithfully is still doing it well.
• 31:51
  What you're building is formed over time, not measured in single days.
• 31:57
  If you want to keep the conversation going, you can reach us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or on social media.
• 32:07
  Take care and thanks for spending this time with us.