Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / Why High-Functioning Women Choose Emotionally Unavailable Men (Attachment Styles Explained)

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Why High-Functioning Women Choose Emotionally Unavailable Men (Attachment Styles Explained) · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

• 0:00
  What if I told you that being successful does not mean that
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  you are secure, being intelligent does not mean that
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  you are intellectually aligned, and being high functioning and
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  successful does not protect you from choosing the wrong person?
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  Because one of the most confusing experiences for a lot
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  of women who are accomplished, responsible, respected, and
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  doing well in so many areas of life is this.
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  They can run a team, they can build a career, they can manage
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  a household. They can be the friend that
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  everyone leans on. They can pray, they can lead,
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  they can grind, they can get it done.
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  But in romantic relationships, they find themselves drawn to
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  emotionally unavailable people, stuck in patterns where they are
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  over giving, over functioning, over explaining, overextending,
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  and then wondering why it doesn't feel safe, secure or
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  consistent. So if you've ever looked at your
• 0:58
  life and thought at all together everywhere else but feel
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  emotionally confused and loved, this episode is for you.
• 1:06
  Good morning, good morning, and
• 1:22
  welcome to Rise and Thrive for Doctor J Nicole.
• 1:25
  I'm Doctor J Nicole, therapist, educator, and the reminder that
• 1:29
  healing does not require you to shrink.
• 1:32
  It requires you to be honest. And today we are talking about
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  why high functioning women still end up in emotionally
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  unavailable relationships, what's really happening
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  underneath the pattern and what you can start doing differently,
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  not just in your dating life, and how you choose your
• 1:49
  environments overall. Before we get into it, if you're
• 1:52
  someone who's committed to emotional growth, healthy
• 1:55
  relationships evolving from the inside out, go ahead and hit
• 1:59
  that subscribe button because we're building something here.
• 2:04
  Now let's get into it. The myth of the strong woman and
• 2:08
  the cost of high functioning. So we're going to start here.
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  There is this cultural myth that if you're a strong woman, you
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  don't struggle with certain things.
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  The myth says if you're educated, then you should know
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  better. If you accomplish, you should
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  choose better. And if you're confident you
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  shouldn't tolerate nonsense. And if you're a leader, you
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  shouldn't end up hurt. And the myth creates so much
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  shame. And because now you're not just
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  dealing with the pain of the relationship, you're dealing
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  with the embarrassment of it. And a lot of high functioning
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  women are carrying this silent pressure to try to make it make
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  sense. You might be asking yourself
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  things like how can I be this smart and still be in this?
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  How can I be this mature and still be attached to someone who
• 2:54
  keeps disappearing, Someone who is inconsistent?
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  How can I be this spiritually grounded and still be struggling
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  to detach? Here's the truth about it.
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  High functioning is not the same as healed.
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  And high functioning means you learn how to survive and
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  succeed. There is a difference.
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  And healed means you learn how to be safe and secure.
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  High functioning means you can perform under pressure.
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  Healed means you don't need pressure to feel alive.
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  And the distinction matters because many high functioning
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  women have built entire identities around capability,
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  around being reliable, around being the one who holds it down.
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  And when you're used to being the one who holds it down, it
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  can feel normal to end up in relationships where you're the
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  one doing the emotional holding too.
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  You're holding the communication, you're holding
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  the emotional labor, you're holding the clarity, you're
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  holding the consistency, you're holding the vision.
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  And you don't always realize that you're doing it because
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  you've been doing this your whole life.
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  For some women, this pattern started in childhood.
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  You matured early because you had to.
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  You became responsible early because you had to.
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  You became emotionally aware early because you had to.
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  You became the peacemaker early again because you had to.
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  And you became the caretaker early because you had to.
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  So now an emotional and unavailable partner doesn't feel
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  like a red flag. It feels like a familiar role.
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  It feels like, OK, I know what to do here, like I've been here
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  before. And that's one of the most
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  important things I want you to understand today.
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  You can be drawn to what you're trained to manage, not what
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  you're meant to receive. And I must say that again for
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  the people in the back and in just in case you didn't get it,
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  you can be drawn to what you're trained to manage, not what
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  you're meant to receive. Now let's talk about attachment
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  for a second. Attachment theory helps explain
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  how we connect, how we bond, how we respond to closeness, and how
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  we respond to distance. Most people have heard of
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  anxious attachment and avoiding attachment, but I want to make
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  it plain and practical. Anxious attachment also sounds
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  like I need reassurance. I overthink everything.
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  I feel safe when you're close. When you pull away, I spiral.
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  I don't want to be too much, but I also don't want to be
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  abandoned. Attachment for a more of
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  avoidance since it sounds more like I value my independence.
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  I don't like feeling needed. I shut down when things get
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  emotional. I feel suffocated when people
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  want closeness. I can't do it all now.
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  Secure attachment on the other hand, sounds like I can be close
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  and still be myself. I can communicate needs without
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  fear. I trust consistency.
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  I don't have to chase or test love.
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  Now here's the part that people miss.
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  A high functioning woman can look secure on the outside and
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  still have an anxious or even an avoiding attachment response and
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  romantic relationships. Because attachment doesn't care
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  about your resume and doesn't care about your degrees and does
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  not care about how many people respect you at work.
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  Attachment activates in intimate spaces.
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  It activates where you are emotionally vulnerable.
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  It activates when you want to be chosen.
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  It activates when you risk rejection.
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  So you can be confident in your career and still become
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  emotionally dysregulated when your partner's inconsistent.
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  And you can start doing what high functioning women often do
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  when they feel anxious. They start over functioning,
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  they start working for love, they start trying to earn
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  consistency. And when you start trying to
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  prove your worth and you start being the one who communicates,
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  clarifies, check in that plans, fixes, moves, explains whole
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  space, all the things while the other person stays ambiguous.
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  And ambiguity can be addictive for anxious attachment styles
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  because anxious attachment doesn't just crave love, it
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  craves relief. And relief from uncertainty,
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  from silence, relief from distance.
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  With a high functioning woman becomes emotionally employed in
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  the relationship. She's doing a job and she's
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  calling it love. And she gets stuck in this loop
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  of creating the need for relief because this is where she knows
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  how to function. Now let's go a little bit deeper
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  here. Because beyond attachment
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  styles, your nervous system is the part of you that learns what
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  normal feels like. And if your nervous system
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  learned that love comes with unpredictability, tension,
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  criticism, emotional absence, or instability, then peace can
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  become unfamiliar. And what's unfamiliar can feel
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  unsafe, even when it's healthy. This is why some women get into
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  stable relationships and start thinking something's missing.
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  But what they're actually experiencing is withdrawal.
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  Because chaos produces adrenaline, unpredictability
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  produces dopamine spikes, And when you've been trained for
• 9:02
  survival, your body can confuse intensity with intimacy.
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  Intensity is not intimacy. Chemistry is not character.
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  And a spark is not always a sign.
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  Sometimes it's a signal, and sometimes that spark is your
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  nervous system recognizing a pattern that it already knows.
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  The body doesn't always respond to what's good, it responds to
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  what's familiar. So if you grew up with that
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  inconsistency emotionally, your nervous system may have learned
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  love equals anxiety, love equals performing, love equals waiting,
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  love equals fixing, love equals working.
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  Now, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted even thinking of
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  all those things. That is a lot of responsibility
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  for one person to carry. So then when someone comes along
• 10:03
  who is emotionally consistent, they're kind, they're clear,
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  they're stable, they're intentional.
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  Your nervous system doesn't say finally, safety.
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  It says this is weird. You think they're weird, you
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  become suspicious and you interpret it as wrong.
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  And This is why sometimes high functioning women say he's a
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  good man, but I'm not feeling or like, you know, something's
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  missing. Like I don't know what it is.
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  It's boring. This is stable.
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  And really, what it is is that he's not activating your
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  survival pattern. And I'm not saying that every
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  calm relationship is automatically a match.
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  I'm not saying that at all, OK? Healing often requires that you
• 10:52
  develop a new definition of what love feels like in your body.
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  Because if love has always felt like a roller coaster, peace is
• 11:01
  going to be complete boredom and snoozefest at first, OK?
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  And not because peace is boring, but because your nervous system
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  is recalibrating and that recalibration is part of growth.
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  Now we're going to shift and talk about faith a little bit
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  because this is where a lot of people get trapped.
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  And I'm going to say this with care because I'm not here to
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  take away anybody's hope, but I am here to protect your
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  discernment. Some high functioning women stay
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  in emotionally unhealthy relationships because they
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  confuse long-suffering with loyalty.
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  They confuse patients with tolerance.
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  They confuse grace with self abandonment.
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  And I know because I lived here before, but I don't live there
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  anymore. And you might even think, if I
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  pray harder, he'll change. If I love better, he'll see my
• 12:03
  value. If I stay consistent, it'll
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  inspire him, It'll motivate him. If I wait long enough, God will
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  reward me. But faith is not denial.
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  Faith is not ignoring patterns. It's not calling dysfunction a
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  season. And faith does not require you
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  to betray yourself. Discernment is spiritual.
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  Paying attention is spiritual, honoring your nervous system is
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  spiritual. And a relationship that requires
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  you to shrink your needs to keep someone is not love, it's
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  survival. Let me say this plainly, God
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  does not need you to be emotionally unsafe to prove
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  you're loving. And I want to speak to the woman
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  who keeps saying I just want to give him grace.
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  Grace is beautiful, but grace without boundaries can become
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  self sabotage, self erasure and self destruction.
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  And a lot of high functioning women are really, really good at
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  being compassionate, but they're not always good at being honest
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  about what something is truly costing them.
• 13:22
  All right, beautiful people. If this episode has already
• 13:25
  blessed you in any sort of way, we ask that you like subscribe,
• 13:29
  follow, share and leave comments.
• 13:32
  Feedback helps this message reach the people who need it
• 13:36
  most. And if you're listening and
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  thinking I'm ready to go deeper in my healing journey, we invite
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  you to join our school community where we continue these
• 13:43
  conversations between episodes. And it's an opportunity to
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  connect with like minded individuals committed to growth,
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  healing and purpose. Also, do not forget you can shop
• 13:55
  the merch and also explore all things Evolve at Evolve with
• 14:01
  Doctor J nicole.com. If you love today's look and
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  That's UNICE. Thank you for rising with us.
• 14:18
  Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
• 14:23
  So let's make this practical. If you're constantly anxious,
• 14:29
  overthinking, wondering where you stand, waiting for clarity,
• 14:34
  chasing communication, or even carrying the emotional load of
• 14:38
  the relationship, that is not peace.
• 14:43
  OK, so we got to talk about standards.
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  And a lot of high functioning women have standards everywhere
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  except where they want love at work.
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  Well, you're not accepting any unclear expectations.
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  There's no inconsistent communication.
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  There definitely is not disrespect.
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  You're not accepting broken systems or missed deadlines
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  without accountability. However, when we get over to
• 15:13
  dating, you start negotiating. And negotiating is good
• 15:18
  sometimes, but not when we are negotiating our needs.
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  Then you're starting to explain yourself.
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  You're exhausted trying to make it make sense.
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  You start accepting bare minimum because you see potential.
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  You start rewriting reality because you don't want to start
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  over. And I want you to hear me.
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  Potential is not a relationship. Consistency is, and if you're
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  dating someone's potential, you're dating a fantasy.
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  And fantasies can keep you stuck because they always feel
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  possible. And if we're being honest, a lot
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  of us are addicted to fantasy. High functioning women often
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  stay too long because they believe effort can change the
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  outcome. And that's true in school, it's
• 16:13
  true in your career, it's true in business.
• 16:17
  But love is not earned by performance.
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  You cannot work someone into emotional availability.
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  And when you raise your standards, you'll often find
• 16:30
  that you'll feel lonely before you start to feel free, because
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  your nervous system is used to being occupied and your heart is
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  used to being in a cycle. And your identity may be used to
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  being the one who holds everything together.
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  So when you stop doing that, it feels empty.
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  But this emptiness that you're feeling, it's not failure, it's
• 16:56
  space. It's opportunity.
• 16:59
  This is where your life upgrades.
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  Now here's a question I want you to answer in the comments.
• 17:07
  Have your standards changed in the last year?
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  And if so, what is the biggest thing you no longer tolerate?
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  That question alone can help you reflect on your own evolution.
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  Now let's move into what you can actually do.
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  Because inside without action is only entertainment, right?
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  And we're not here just to be entertained.
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  We are here to evolve #1 slow down attraction.
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  If you're high functioning, you're probably used to fast
• 17:39
  results, right? But emotional safety cannot be
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  rushed. Now chemistry, Oh, that's real
• 17:45
  fast, right? Like you could feel that
• 17:47
  instantly. But character that is revealed
• 17:51
  over time. So I invite you to slow down, to
• 17:56
  not rush intimacy, to not rush commitment, and definitely not
• 18:02
  to rush access to your heart. Let consistency earn closeness,
• 18:09
  OK #2 y'all know I love data, OK?
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  In relationships anyway. Observe patterns, not the
• 18:21
  promises, OK? A lot of emotionally unavailable
• 18:25
  people are very good with words, and when they feel you pulling
• 18:30
  away, they're going to turn it up a notch.
• 18:34
  But love is not proven in what someone says during conflict.
• 18:40
  It's proven in what they do repeatedly.
• 18:43
  So I want you to pay attention to follow through.
• 18:46
  Accountability, emotional responsiveness, reliability, and
• 18:52
  repair. Those things are going to be
• 18:55
  essential for you to have a full and accurate picture of who it
• 18:59
  is that you're dealing with. All right #3 we're going to stop
• 19:05
  auditioning for love. This is huge because if you are
• 19:09
  constantly trying to be the right version of yourself so
• 19:12
  someone will choose you, you're not in a relationship, baby.
• 19:15
  You are in a performance and you deserve to be chosen while you
• 19:21
  are at rest, not only while you are achieving #4 we want to
• 19:28
  build internal safety. I want you to ask yourself, what
• 19:34
  does safety feel like in my body?
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  For some women, safety feels like calm predictability.
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  It feels like peace. Not needing to over explain, no
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  need to chase. But because that's unfamiliar,
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  they confuse it with the lack of a spark.
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  So your work is to learn. Peace is allowed to be
• 19:57
  attractive, consistency is allowed to be desirable.
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  Stable love is allowed to feel good #5 strengthen spiritual
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  attachment. If you're a woman of faith, you
• 20:14
  have to ask, am I attached to God or I am?
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  Am I attached to God or am I attached to outcomes?
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  Because when you're attached to outcomes, you will tolerate what
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  violates you in the name of promise.
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  But when you're securely attached to God, you don't have
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  to force what's not aligned. You can release with peace, you
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  can walk away with clarity, and you can choose yourself without
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  guilt. Let me close like this.
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  If you're a high functioning woman and you've been blaming
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  yourself for what you tolerated, I want you to take a breath.
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  Not because you're crazy, not because you're weak, not because
• 21:02
  you're too much and you are not the problem because you love
• 21:06
  deeply. But you may be healing a nervous
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  system that learn to survive. You may be healing attachment
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  patterns that were formed before you had the language for them.
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  You may be healing the part of you that confused endurance with
• 21:23
  love. And healing doesn't mean that
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  you become cold. Healing means you become clear.
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  Healing means you stop negotiating your needs.
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  Healing means you stop proving your worth.
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  Healing means you choose environments and partners that
• 21:41
  match your growth. And if you're listening to this
• 21:46
  and you know it's time for you to evolve your patterns, let
• 21:50
  this be your reminder. You are allowed to want more.
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  You are allowed to require more. You are allowed to leave what
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  costs you your peace. As we approach the one year
• 22:06
  anniversary of Rise and Thrive, we're closing out this season
• 22:11
  with conversations that help you reflect, reset, and rise.
• 22:16
  And if this episode spoke to you, subscribe, share it with
• 22:21
  someone who needs it and drop your answer in the comments.
• 22:26
  What is 1 pattern you're breaking this year?
• 22:30
  I'm Doctor Jane Nicole, and I'll see you in the next episode.
• 22:34
  And if you want to carry the message of this show and to your
• 22:38
  everyday life, I invite you to explore the Rise and Thrive
• 22:41
  collection. It includes mugs, apparels, and
• 22:44
  other pieces that are designed to remind you to walk bothly in
• 22:48
  purpose. You can find them at
• 22:50
  www.evolverdoctorjnicole.com and share this episode with someone
• 22:57
  who might need encouragement today.
• 22:59
  Thank you for being part of the Rise and Thrive community.
• 23:02
  And until next time, keep rising in faith and keep thriving in
• 23:06
  purpose.