Latest / The Family Teams Podcast / How To Raise Siblings Who Love Each Other, Fight Less, and Become Best Friends ft. The Barraza's

Transcript

How To Raise Siblings Who Love Each Other, Fight Less, and Become Best Friends ft. The Barraza's · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  this is like a absolute game changer. We have to figure out how to create healthy sibling relationships. And there are unique elements for how to do that when you're trying to build a family team.
• 0:12
  So what we're going to talk about, you guys, is sibling relationships, how to create sibling bonds. The whole month of June in the Family Teams Accelerator is going to be about sibling bonds. So we're going to dive deep into this. This is something that Annalisa and Joey have thought a lot about. So I'm excited for you guys to hear a little bit about what they're thinking about this. But yeah, maybe you guys introduce your family real quick. Tell us about your team.
• 0:32
  We have five kids. So we have our oldest, Juliana, Leah, Hosanna, and Eliza. And then we have our young son, Jeremiah. And we also have, which is an absolute blessing, my mom that lives with us as well. So we really have that generational family household that we kind of talked about for a long time and said we wanted. And honestly, we get to live it out and it's been incredible.
• 0:56
  Yeah. Our oldest is 12. And then like you said, our youngest, they all range. They're like all around three years apart. So our oldest is 12 and our youngest is seven months. Awesome. And so your context is a little bit unique. So Joey, you're in the military. Annalisa, you're working for family teams. You've got five kids. There's a lot going on. And so it seems like when it comes to sibling relationships, getting this right, it seems like a matter of like real importance for your family. Anything you would say about just kind of your context and how this plays into that.
• 1:26
  Yeah, we both come from really big families. So both our parents are one of no less than six or seven kids. So growing up, we both heard our parents on the phone holidays with siblings. So it was very much ingrained in us that like, hey, your siblings become your best friends as adults. And I think that subconsciously really affected the
• 1:53
  our family in the beginning. And then we jumped into the family teams world. And we're like, man, these are especially because we move a lot and coming up on a move soon. It's really easy to tell the girls like, hey, it's hard, but also you're moving with your core people, like you're moving with your best friends. So that's I think that also played a huge role in why we want to be really intentional about their relationships. Yeah.
• 2:21
  Yeah, and we, like she said, we grew up with it. Like, we were thankful that we did have that close sibling bond. And I know you and your brother were a little closer in age. And me and my siblings were a little different. They were 8, 9, and 10 years older than me. So some of that was almost a parental role. But no matter what, we found closeness with them that really remains today. We're both really close with our siblings, and we want that for our kids. I think earlier on in our marriage, we didn't know...
• 2:49
  quite why we just wanted it because, um, it was familiar to us and we know how close we were with ours. But, um, now I think we really found why that was important to us and the reason behind it. So, yeah, you guys, it's so important. Anytime you're trying to build a family team, this is like a absolute game changer. We have to figure out how to create healthy sibling relationships. And there are unique elements for how to do that when you're trying to build a family team. And so,
• 3:14
  Part of what we're doing in the Accelerator for the month of June is diving into the playbook that Annalisa wrote about how to create sibling bonds. The three plays are create a space for your kids to call out their sibling wins. Shared experiences is number two and shared activities. And the third one is shared space. So we're going to look at these. And then we also have a free download for you guys. It's at familyteams.com slash sibling. Annalisa, talk a little bit about what's in that download that people can get a hold of.
• 3:42
  Yeah, so when our kids were really young, when our oldest was really young and in kind of the toddler little kid stage, we saw a need for a script to be used between them when it came to conflict. So they needed to be explicitly taught how to communicate. So we were like, how are we going to teach our kids to communicate to each other when they are in conflict?
• 4:06
  And so really giving them the script gives a basis to like, hey, I need you to state why you're upset to your sibling. The sibling needs to then respond. And you also need to ask for forgiveness. Like, oh, and then close it out, right? I won't do that again. Or I'm going to do my best not to do that again. Just really giving them the building blocks to communicate with each other. So that grows into a healthy communication relationship later. Yes.
• 4:36
  I think a script is a really important thing to have because sometimes people are really good at like maybe calling out the truth, but not like recovering. And there's like a whole process that if you really want to see long-term relationships, like thrive, healed, kids are going to hurt each other. This is like the arena where kids learn how to have...
• 4:54
  good relations with other human beings. And oftentimes the goal of modern parenting is really almost to separate your kids, make them hyper-individualistic, give everybody their own spaces, and just deal with the potential conflicts by more distance.
• 5:09
  We just subtly do that. I know that most of us don't want to do that, but I think the alternative to that is to create a really good process of repairing the relationship. So yeah, if you want to check out the script for how to do that, familyteams.com slash sibling. So I'm excited to dive into these plays. The first one, we're just gonna give you guys a little teaser. If you join the accelerator, you'll get the whole playbook. There's a lot in here. It's super helpful. The first one is create a space
• 5:33
  for your kids to call out their siblings wins. So yeah, tell me a little bit about this one. What does this look like in your family? Yeah, so we've been doing this for a couple of years now and we call it MVB for our family, most valuable Barraza. And the big thing is just giving that open forum. It's at the dinner table for Shabbat. And what we do is we go around the table and we vote for...
• 5:57
  Which individual in the family really stepped up and did the most for the family that week, whether they got through some personal barriers that they've been working through. It can kind of look a couple different ways. And we all have a vote. And essentially at the end, the winner will get something special and we all cheer and celebrate. And for in our family, that could even just be like controlling the remote for that week, which seems small. But hey, in a family of five little ones, that's actually a pretty big deal.
• 6:25
  So yeah, so I think the big thing there is just touching on positivity. And we're talking about, like just a moment ago, speaking more to like the restorative justice compared to like retribution. It's all about really strengthening that relationship. And that is strengthened through positivity. And it really forces them to just look at their sisters and look at their siblings and their nana and us.
• 6:51
  And try to see like, hey, what are they doing this week? How did they step up? Things that maybe if you're not being deliberate about searching it out, it may kind of be passed by the wayside. So it really just helps each individual in the family be seen. And it does a good job of also flowing around. Like every kid wins pretty often. And it's just a really big thing for them. And they all look forward to it every week.
• 7:16
  I love that idea. Like we don't have to teach the kids how to find what bothers their sister or what it's under their skin. They figure that out on their own. But I think we saw early on that they really needed that space to see each other's
• 7:32
  positive and how they help them and their strengths. And that doesn't always happen implicitly. So we created a space where it was very intentional to see it, call it out and make sure that you are seeing that each week. Yeah. Wow.
• 7:48
  Love it. Give me one more detail on how does the voting start? This is kind of my curiosity. So like, does somebody say I nominate so and so or how does this get? So that's a bit of a battle in itself, too, because everyone wants to go first because.
• 8:07
  essentially a lot if you go last everyone's already stolen all your comments and that kind of stuff that can be its own battle as well um but yeah essentially we just kind of bounce around and we'll let maybe the little the youngest go first or we'll let the adults go first and we just try to be good about letting it kind of flow around but um changes definitely every time because the the sweet spot is going up front and getting your comments out first yeah so yeah
• 8:32
  When they're real young, you tend to let them go a little later because it's kind of like saying prayers at night. Like sometimes it starts as like a copying what you say, kind of the same thing. Let them go last and they'll hear all the comments from the other from the parents and siblings. And then you'll they'll kind of pick and choose from that. And then as they get old enough to kind of do it themselves and think for themselves on those, you'll see them start stepping up. Awesome.
• 8:55
  Very good. All right. So that's just one little taste of one of the elements of play number one. Let's look at play number two, shared experiences, shared activity. Guy, this has been a huge one for our family. How has this worked out for you guys?
• 9:08
  Yeah, this has been huge for us. We see this play out more importantly, I think, in the middle years for our kids. I think with young kids, too. But the middle years, our 12-year-old, our 9-year-old, our 7-year-old, this is super vital. But we currently, all of our kids do Krav Maga together. Our younger ones haven't aged up into it yet, but they all do a homeschool Krav Maga class. And I'll just share a story. And they have been doing Krav for three years together at this point.
• 9:37
  And they were doing, they had to do their push-ups and their sit-ups. And the way that it works in their test is the higher ranks have to do more push-ups and more sit-ups. And so our 9-year-old is actually a higher rank than our 12-year-old. And so she was the highest ranking in the class. And she had to do, I think it was 75 sit-ups or 75 push-ups. And they were testing.
• 10:04
  And everyone stopped doing pushups and she was the only one. And I look over and our oldest is sitting there right there next to her, didn't stop, didn't miss a beat and just kept going with her and was just encouraging her. And I was just like, and I was, of course, just peers in my eyes. But I think that is a powerful moment that embodies what happens when siblings have shared experiences and shared activities together. Yeah.
• 10:28
  A lot of times what we as parents don't realize is there's no arena for this to come out in. When all your kids are doing different sports, it can be great for them as individuals. But then often there's like, where is that place where siblings can really root for each other? And yeah, we had a similar experience with Taekwondo as a family. It was so valuable for us to get to be really finding...
• 10:51
  very practical ways for us to be cheering each other on. And I think that's a really important thing to try to create for your family if you can. So love that, you guys. Okay. And then the last play is shared space. So tell me a little bit about that. If we're not trying to do just individual space, but trying to figure out how to be more of a team, how has that worked itself out in y'all's family? We decided pretty early on that our kids were going to share a room.
• 11:22
  Before, I think before they were even born, we were like, they're going to share a room. And so that's, I think that's a low hanging fruit for every family with kids is if you want them to share a space, if you really want to see where your kids are struggling together, where they're really strong together, put them in a bedroom together, share it, let them share a room. We can, you can talk. Yeah. And it like.
• 11:49
  Yes, it may create extra points of contention when you have, you know, kids together at night, you know, at times of high stress. But also they have more of those opportunities to to grow closer and you find them just playing and talking and just like genuinely spending time with each other away from electronic devices and all that. It just really creates that that forum just to grow that bond.
• 12:17
  We find, especially our oldest, our oldest two, just sitting and just chatting with each other like before bedtime. Yeah, it's a tool in our toolbox for sure that we have. Because I think to what you said earlier, it creates this almost like vacuum where you get to see and...
• 12:34
  really be intentional about that relationship. Like, okay, if you're in a shared space together in structured and unstructured time, we get to step in and kind of use that script or help you work through it in a vacuum. And I think that's really helpful.
• 12:52
  for them. Absolutely. Yeah. So much is just about like trying to create peace by dividing as opposed to just working through these issues. And so I think it's just, we want to do this early. Like we want our kids to be lifelong friends. We want those bonds to really go deep in childhood. This is an incredibly precious beginning to a lifelong relationship. And so go ahead and invest in that. So I think this is so helpful. I'm curious, any last pointers that kind of
• 13:20
  pop to mind as you guys think about family teams trying to figure out this whole sibling bond thing that you might be that you want to call out before we conclude? One thing I would just say is that it's easier to divide and to send people off and do their own things and just separate them. But that's really counterproductive. So while you're going through this and as things are difficult, just stick with it. And naturally, it will happen. They will work through it as the relationship grows and just don't get discouraged if you
• 13:49
  you're trying to do some drastic change with your family and where separation has been the issue and now you're trying to dynamically change everything. There's just going to be growing pains and it's just worth it.
• 14:01
  Yeah. And I would say, too, for parents with like younger kids who don't have the middle or older kids, like shared rooms can be that can be overwhelming because you're dealing with is like bedtime for toddlers is kind of stressful sometimes. Just a little bit. But I think that there's also just to encourage parents of those younger kids are younger toddler and our middle kids.
• 14:28
  daughter, they get their time in the morning because we have like a sleep to wake clock. So there are ways to do it when they are that young that then turn into the nighttime giggles and the nighttime conversations. So don't be discouraged. If you're younger kids, it's worth it and it's hard. And I think most things that are worth it, especially when you're building a family team are difficult, but over time you see the fruit and it's worth it.
• 14:55
  Awesome. Well, thank you guys so much for jumping on here and talking through this and also being our community coaches for the month of June. So just to remind you guys, the Accelerator, it's four weeks worth of content on one topic. So we're just talking about sibling bonds the month of June. What's going to happen is we'll give you the playbook on week one of June.
• 15:13
  Week two, Joey and Annalisa will be doing a community coaching Zoom call. So if you guys have questions about anything in the playbook or anything you've heard on this podcast, you can ask them for pointers and ask for more stories, more insights. Super awesome. You guys are going to do that.
• 15:28
  You'll get a little tutorial from me or from me in April about how our families handle the issue of siblings. And then we'll do our prior town hall on the fourth week of the month. And any question you guys have about becoming a family team that we can help you guys with, we would love to interact with you guys. So, again, if you want to find out about the accelerator, go to familyteams.com. If you want to get that free download, the siblings script, go to familyteams.com slash sibling. So thank you, Annalise and Joey, so much for jumping on here today.
• 15:56
  Thank you for listening to the Family Teams podcast. If you're enjoying this content or have learned something new, please make sure to leave a rating and review and share with a friend. To stay up to date with our events, new content, and products, you can follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Family Teams.