Latest / Motherhood Uncut / Crossing the River of Fear: A Coaching Call with Carly | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 6 Episode 6

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Crossing the River of Fear: A Coaching Call with Carly | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 6 Episode 6 · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Hi, I'm Kate Kripke and welcome to the Motherhood Uncut Podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: This podcast brings the reality of motherhood to the table for real, honest conversations.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: Here we laugh, we cry, we learn, we grow, we are awestruck, amazed, humbled, and validated.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_02: But most importantly, together we begin to live in a new way that allows us to recognize the immense role that our own health and well-being plays in the health and well-being of our kids.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: Together, we recognize that everything we do to take care of our physical, psychological, social, and spiritual health is in service of our children.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: This season we are diving deep into the role that the shoulds and the shouldn'ts and rules and expectations play in our motherhood journey.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_02: Together, this season, we will learn to break those boundaries that hold us back from our greatest potential.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna hear from moms who have taken this risk, from experts who help in this journey, and from family members who, Lord help me, have important insight to share.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: So pull up a chair, my friend, make a cup of tea, pour a glass of wine, put on your walking shoes, turn up the volume in your car.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_02: Let's do this together because nobody should mother alone.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: This week's episode is an incredibly inspiring and powerful one.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: We're airing a coaching call I had with one of my coaching clients, and I have no doubt that you will resonate with a ton of what Carly struggles with on our call.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_02: If you're a woman and mother who identifies as high-achieving, type A, all or nothing and perfectionist thinking, or if you're struggling with anxiety, guilt, overwhelm, and burnout, this episode is for you.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: In our call, we address limiting beliefs that hold us back, difficult emotions like anxiety, guilt, and shame, pressures and mothering, and work-life balance.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: The conversation is an amazing example of what happens when we're willing to ask ourselves the hard questions and challenge ourselves to think and behave differently than we have for most of our life.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: If the perceived shoulds in your life create distress, pain, and even illness for you, the process you learn today will be the start of a life-changing shift.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: And of course, thank you to the amazing woman who is brave enough to allow me to air this call as an episode here.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_02: Carly is a true example of integrity and bravery, and her commitment to helping other moms know that they aren't alone is extraordinary.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, let's do this.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, if you're a mom balancing a demanding career or other passions in life with the joys and challenges of raising young kids, I want you to know that I see you.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: I understand the pressure to be perfect at work and at home and the constant feeling that you might be falling short in both.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: You're not alone, and there is a way to feel more in control and connected.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: It's pretty universal, right?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: When we become moms, we jump into action mode.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: We focus all of our attention on our kiddos, and we fall farther and farther away from allowing ourselves to tend to what we need to also feel okay.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: With all the to-dos, any resources spent on ourselves feel unnecessary, wasted, and maybe even selfish.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: But of course, whether we acknowledge it or not, we all learn very quickly that we simply can't be our best in anything when we're depleted.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: But here's the thing I also want you to understand today.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: When moms like you and me are stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, it doesn't just affect us.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: It can have long-lasting effects on our kids' mental health and development.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_02: The pressure you're feeling could be shaping your child's future in ways you never imagined.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: When we are overwhelmed, it's easy to fall into the trap of perfectionism, trying to meet impossible standards in both our careers and motherhood.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: But that pressure doesn't just hurt us, it impacts our kids too because we become more anxious.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: We take more things personally, and we have very little tolerance for any discomfort that our children feel.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: Kids who grow up without a secure attachment are more likely to struggle with anxiety, insecurity, and difficulties forming healthy relationships.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: They absorb our stress and it can lead to challenges that affect their entire lives.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: But it doesn't have to be this way.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: That's why I created the Calm Connection System, a transformative science-based program specifically designed to help turn your guilt, anxiety, and overwhelm into clarity, confidence, and calm.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: With the Calm Connection System, you can break free of the pressures that hold you back.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: You can nurture a secure attachment with your kiddo, and you can still thrive in your career or other passions outside of motherhood.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: I've spent 20 years as a maternal and child mental health specialist, helping more than 6,000 women just like you transform their lives with strategies that are practical, science-backed, and deeply empathetic.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: As a mom of two teenage daughters, I've walked this path myself, balancing the demands of motherhood with a career that I am passionate about.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: I know what it takes to find that balance, and I'm here to guide you every step of the way.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: But the Calm Connection System isn't just about managing your stress.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's about creating a life where you can pursue your ambitions and be the mom that you want to be.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: A life where you and your children feel secure, connected, and capable of facing the world with confidence.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: If you're ready to take the first step towards a more balanced, fulfilling life for you and your family, I invite you to book a free call with me in the next few days.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about how the Calm Connection System can help you create the life for you and your children that you all deserve while continuing to share your incredible gifts with the world.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: Book your call now so we can discuss whether or not this program is a fit for you.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: And regardless, you're going to walk away from our call with new clarity about what's causing your anxiety and things that you can do to access now more now, access more confidence and calm both at home and at work.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going to make sure that you have a few easy things that will help you right away, whether we work together or not.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: As a reminder, decades of research has confirmed that untreated anxiety in moms causes anxiety in kids.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: And the fastest and most effective way to make sure that your kiddo is healthy is to do what you need to do to make sure that you are healthy.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: You absolutely can excel both outside of motherhood and inside of motherhood, giving your child everything that they need to live a long, healthy, and happy life.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: This call is where you start, and the link is in the show notes.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: I look forward to seeing you there.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: Hey listeners, I want to tell you about the one clock.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: The one clock is a clock that is designed to help you wake up in the way that your nervous system most needs to move through the day with calm and clarity.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: You know those clocks that wake you up in the morning with that loud beep that jars you out of sleep, you know, with your heart racing.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: This is not the one clock.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: The one clock is designed with Grammy award-winning musicians that have taken the science behind waking up and turned that into the most amazing music that you have ever woken up to.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_02: It's going to help you start your day with ease and clarity.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: And not only that, but the clock itself, it's like a piece of art.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: It is beautiful.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: So if you're looking for something to help you manage your nervous system and start your day that's going to set you up for success, I invite you to check out the one clock.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: Information is in the show notes.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: And Carly, I want you to start by like really connecting somatically in your body with whatever's holding you in place.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: So the floor beneath your feet or the seat beneath you.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: Where gravity is creating a connection between you and the earth, I want you to focus your attention there for a minute.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: And just use this first pause to remind you that you're not wherever you were five minutes ago or an hour ago or a week ago or six months ago.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_02: And you're not wherever you will be half hour, 45 minutes, four days, a year from now, right?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: You're right here.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: So start by just really recognizing that place in time and space.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_02: And then you might even before you close your eyes, or if your eyes were already closed, just take a little bit of neutral observation around all the senses in the room.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: So here you are planted in time and space.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_02: There's all this stuff happening around you that has nothing to do with you.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: Life is just happening around you.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_02: As you bring your awareness into this place that you're in physically right now.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: And then I would love for you to notice your breathing, because that's also happening.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_02: And notice your thoughts, because that's also happening.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_02: And find a breath pattern that's consistent, it's steady, it's predictable, it is reflective of there being no crisis, no problem.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_02: So it's long.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you choose that exhale, it's a little longer than your inhale.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you choose just a box breath, which is another way of steadying your breath.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: That's inhaling, holding, exhaling, and holding for the same count.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: So find a breath pattern that stabilizes and steadies and grounds you.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_02: Some of them may be feisty or critical, some of them may be curious, some of them may be memory-based, some of them may be ridiculous, right?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_02: Although we really do want to try to not label them or judge them.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: We're just noticing like you are having thousands of thoughts at every moment.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: So while you stay steady and grounded and connected in your breath, right?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_02: You're centered in your breath, meaning that's your main focus.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_02: You're just also noticing the thoughts go by.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe the metaphor is a conveyor belt, maybe the metaphor is clouds.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_02: They're just coming and going.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: Unpredictable.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: Disorganized.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_02: Your breath is the opposite of that.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: And where you are in the moment, right here, in this moment, in this moment, is steady and grounded.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_02: I like you to take ten breaths, ten more breaths like this.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna stop talking.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_02: And then before you come back to our call, go ahead and shake off anything that gets in the way, any body tension, any anything that's hanging around around with you that is not helpful for you.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: That was good.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: I noticed that um when I do breath work, which probably is the reason that I tend to have such a hard time doing meditation, when I start to breathe, my anxiety heightens.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: When I like take a minute and start to breathe, it's like go time.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_02: So let's just look at that for a moment.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_02: What do you imagine is causing that?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: What do you imagine that's due to?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: What's happening for you in that moment when you start to breathe?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's probably the first time in a day that I'm like taking time to just sit here alone and be quiet, which is difficult.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_02: So it's not the breath that's causing the anxiety, it's the space that's allowing for anxiety to come forward, right?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_02: So I just want to make sure we're not setting you up for a limited belief and a faulty neural pathway between breathing and anxiety.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_02: Because that's actually that can you imagine?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_02: I can't breathe because every time I breathe, it causes me anxiety.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like it's not actually uh biologically accurate, right?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_02: But we also don't want you to set you up to feel like you can't breathe.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so I don't think it's the breathing that's causing the anxiety.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_02: Now, if you were like every time I hyperventilate, I feel anxious, I'd be like, well, yeah, that makes sense.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_02: So what it sounds like is that when you slow down and you begin to focus on your breath, which in and of itself is actually gonna quiet some noise, right?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: Quiet some distraction that you might notice sensations in your body, and then a thought pops in that causes anxiety, or you might notice thoughts that you haven't given yourself the opportunity to consider.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_02: They might pop in, and then you have a story about those thoughts that causes anxiety, right?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense to you?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_02: So what's the anecdote?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think I have a limited belief around when I'm sitting still I'm not getting anything done, and that seems like a waste of time, and I think that like I think negatively towards that.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, doesn't surprise me.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_02: It doesn't surprise me for you, Carly Wooten.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_02: It also doesn't surprise me for a high achieving mind, right?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_02: I would say most high achievers will have that thought process if they're not paying attention.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_02: So let's just play with this.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: Is it possible that it's not true that when you slow down, you're not getting anything done?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's not true at all.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm getting more done, probably.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_02: So just because we're gonna play this whole thing out, who would you be or how would you move through the world differently if you didn't have that belief?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: I would be a lot less stressed.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_02: And so you may have just answered this, but what's a different belief that's as least as true as that f first belief you had?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: Sitting down is actually work and it is creating something inside my body and my mind that I need to be able to move through a day.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_02: When you have that new thought, how do you feel in your body?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: A little anxious, but overall a little bit lighter.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so I want us to find a new thought that doesn't bring up anxiety for you.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so let's play around with this again.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: What's another thought that's at least equally as true?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_02: The first thought is slowing down is a waste of time.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_02: And so what's a new thought that's at least as true as that?
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, we're saying, all right, maybe, but what else is possible about slowing down?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_02: What's another possible thought?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: That I deserve the quiet.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this might sound weird, but I I've earned it.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: Which is probably a whole other limiting belief that I shouldn't earn it is, but let's play with it.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_02: So when you try that on for size, how do you feel?
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: When I feel when I hear me myself say like you've earned this, I feel like an immense like I don't feel any anxiety, I feel like gratitude.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_02: Great.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_02: So what is the next small action step you can take from that new belief?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sit down more.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_02: So if that works for you, I want you to try it.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_02: The the problem with that belief is that you're essentially saying, I have to earn taking care of myself, and I don't like that for you.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_02: I don't like that, you know, that's you're right, that's its own limiting belief.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_02: Is it possible that you don't have to do anything to earn the right?
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_02: There's nothing to earn, you know.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I think what I want to help you with here is this idea that sitting and being quiet is doing nothing.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_02: There's, you know, there's this sense, but if I I have all these things on my to-do list, if I'm just sitting and doing nothing, that's wasted time and I'm not being productive.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_02: And of course, what we're saying is actually you're doing everything, and it's hugely productive.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's just not about getting the dishes done or going to the cleaners or picking up your child or getting that birthday present or working on that thing for your work.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's about doing internal work, right?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: I think this is my ultimate trigger.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_02: Go ahead.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Earn earning.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: I feel the need to earn.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: And if I earn it, then I get I feel peace from it and the ability to then reward myself.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_02: What does it mean to earn something to you?
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_02: Like what is your what do you what do you mean?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like an example?
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_02: No, I mean literally.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: When you say I need to earn it, what are you talking about?
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_02: What does that mean?
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: If I do all the things and get things done and I've earned my reward, which is
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: No pain, no gain.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I have been like this.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I was little, I would come home from school.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: No one would tell me this.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: I would sit down and I would do my homework before I would allow myself to eat my snack.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_02: This is like some past life shit.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: But I just, I, you know, it's gotta come from something.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if it's like my dad being like a workaholic and like working all the time, or my mom also doing that.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_02: Like my whole family's entrepreneurs, and I'm just like the black sheep of the I want us to sort of not care where it came from for a moment.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: Where it came from for us right now is less important than the reality that you're still holding on to this belief that this is in this moment a truth for you.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_02: That you have to actually feel immense pain before you can find ease.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_02: That is so sad.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_02: It's amazing.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's very sad.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's also a major trap.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_02: No wonder you've been feeling so much pain for so long, Carly.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_02: Do you understand that?
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_02: You're keeping yourself stuck in physical and mental pain.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I would say, I just posted about this today.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_02: I would say my mom had the same belief.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_02: And my mom died spontaneously, unexpectedly, at age 71 to a stress-related issue.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_02: She ran herself into the ground.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_02: When my mom was 68, she had two toes amputated.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_02: You want to know why?
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_02: They had been broken for decades, and she wouldn't stop and slow down for them to heal because she had too much to do.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_02: So my mom was the ultimate version of what you're describing.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_02: And as long as we're working together, there's no way I'm gonna let you get there because it is painful for you and it's painful for your children.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_02: So it's important to recognize how deep our beliefs lie with everything we do.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_02: So if you have this no pain, no gain, I can't, I have to be hungry and miserable.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_02: I can't have that snack, which by the way, will fuel my brain to do my homework, but I can't do it until my homework's done.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_02: I can't sit down and take five or 10 minutes to breathe and settle my nervous system until I make sure that I felt so stressed and so awful that now I can finally have those 10 minutes.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, it's a recipe for a lot of illness.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: Which is probably why I am where I am with my today.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_02: That's exactly right.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_02: But you also have been through the Calm Connection system and you're also in Thrive.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_02: So what that tells me, Carly, is that you're really committed to this belief.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_02: And what where that makes me want to go with you is the fear underneath letting it go.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_02: Because I know you want to let it go.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_02: I know you don't want to have this belief anymore.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_02: But your your tight hold on it tells me that you're afraid to let it go.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_02: Imagine this metaphor I use often where you're on one side of the river and you're literally getting mauled by lions over there.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_02: And on the other side of the not the island, a river, on the other side of the river is like beauty and peacefulness and soft, squishy doggies.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_02: No one that's gonna bite you.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_02: And you're in the water and there's a rushing river, and and you know that if you let go, that river's gonna, you're not actually gonna end up right across the river, you're gonna end up somewhere else.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_02: You can't even see it.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_02: And you're like, I'm too scared to let go, even though I'm being mauled by lions.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_02: So what are you afraid might happen, even if it's irrational, if you were to put down this belief?
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um it all goes back to I feel like I won't be enough and won't it all like this is why I can't quit working.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hold on.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_02: What watch your language?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_02: This is why I'm having a hard time quitting working, right?
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yes.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: What good am I?
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: This is gonna be really horrible and sounds.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta say it.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_02: We gotta get it out so we can workshop it.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: What good am I if I can't I put so much value in providing, whether that's financially or emotionally or physically to everyone.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: That is my love language, all of those.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_02: Great.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_02: And by the way, we don't want to change that.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think you need to change that.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_02: I really don't.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_02: So I want to, I'm gonna write that down because I don't want us to say we have to change your love language.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_02: Like, no, you this is important to you.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_02: It is important to you to provide financially, emotionally, whatever it is, great.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_02: That you get you get value from that and joy from that.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_02: No problem.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry to interrupt.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_02: Keep going.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_02: What else is coming up for you?
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um well, when you say all that, then it's like at whose expense, though.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you're whose expense?
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, in your mind, you can't do both.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_02: In your mind, you're telling yourself, I can't both provide in these ways and also be healthy.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_01: There's something that may not be exactly what it is, but but I No, I feel that because I don't feel healthy and I, you know, I feel like I've slowed down a lot and am taking a lot less on, and I'm still feeling like this, but it's because I'm still in here limiting myself from like like it's like I'm hanging on because, like you're saying, I'm fearful.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I cannot let go because I'm scared if I let go.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't I don't know if it's like no one will love me.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_02: I want us to see it through.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_02: So let's play with this.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_02: Let's like like look at all what what are you most afraid of?
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it could be this, it could be this.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to disappoint anyone, and okay, I feel like I will if I just be a mom.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_01: Great.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_02: And if you disappointed people, what are you afraid would happen then?
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_01: They wouldn't want to be around me and they would avoid me and leave me and okay.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna change the language I'm using.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_02: When you disappoint people, what are you afraid will happen then?
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_02: And you're saying, I'm afraid they will not want to, they won't like me, they won't be around me, they will avoid me.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, okay.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_02: When they don't want to be around you and they avoid you and they don't like you, what then?
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_02: I will be crushed.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_02: And when you are crushed, what then?
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'll try to fix it.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_02: And when you try to fix it, what then I don't know.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like it'll be too late.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_02: And when it's too late, what then?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: I've lost everything.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_02: And when you lose everything, what then?
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be all alone.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're all alone, what then?
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: There is no more than.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning what?
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: You die?
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I guess when I'm all alone then I would be able to think about a lot of stuff and try to figure out what I would want to do.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so when you're alone and you have time to think about stuff and figure out what you want to do, what then?
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_01: I would slowly put the pieces back together the way I want the puzzle to look.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_02: And when you put the pieces together the way you want the puzzle to look, what then?
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: I would find a lot of joy.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: And when you find a lot of joy, what then?
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'll feel better physically and mentally, and all my problems will go away.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_02: So what are you afraid of?
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_02: Because you just told us that if the worst thing were to happen, which is that people were disappointed and hated you and abandoned you and left you and you were all alone, that you would still be okay.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_02: That's what you just told us.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I really have nothing to be afraid of.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_02: Or you have everything to be afraid of.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_02: But you do it anyway, because ultimately you know you're gonna be fine.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, you choose.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_02: I I would say both of those would work just as well based on whichever one literally in your body feels the most aligned for you.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_02: But you literally just told me, us, that even if this horrible thing happened, people freaking hated you and left you and moved away, that you would, right?
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's like a it's like a a bell curve in the opposite direction.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_02: You'd hit rock bottom and then you'd get back up.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_02: So go ahead.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you're muted, Carly.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's like an epiphany moment of like, you know what, I I did hit rock bottom, and then I started going through all of this and with you and the calm connection, and I saw the light and you know, moved closer to the other side of the bridge, and it was really nice.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I have more work to do, and I think that intimidates me because I did so much work already.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_01: That I think in my mind, how much is left?
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I mean, it's an interesting question, and I guess from out an outside perspective, I mean, it's gonna be work either way.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's gonna be work to feel so awful and have all that, or it's gonna be work to do the things that you know you actually have to do in order to keep moving in that direction, right?
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, what I what I reflect as you're telling me this, Carly, is that you self-sabotaged, right?
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_02: Because in some ways you've tied feeling good, right?
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_02: Eating the snack, taking a moment to calm down as not okay.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_02: So you it's like what in coaching we would call as an upper limit problem.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_02: You let yourself get to a point and then you self-sabotage and you were like, nope, I'm right, and now I have to withhold that snack and I have to do five hours of homework instead of just two hours of homework, right?
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_02: Right, yes.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_02: So we know, just to be clear, we know that whether you disappoint people and everyone abandons you, or not, you're still gonna get to the other side, right?
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_02: You can go through all the disappointing and being alone and still get there, or you can just not worry about all that and get there, right?
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_02: Well, both choices at the start are gonna get you to the same place, whereas you're feeling joy and you don't have a whole lot of drama in your life anymore, right?
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: Right, which feels a lot better than the alternative.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, it has a lot less negative consequences to it because the alternative involves physical ailments and probably a lot of uh preoccupation, which takes you away from the joy you want to be spending with your kids.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_02: Correct, which has an impact on them.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I had so many pockets of joy this summer with my children, and it was so lovely.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, some of my happiest memories are from when we weren't doing anything.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, look at that.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_01: And when I go to the beach, and I'm sorry, I'm getting in my car.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_01: You're totally fine.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_01: You do whatever you know, I'm such a different version of myself when I go to the beach.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's nothing to do.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_02: What's your beach?
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sitting on the couch reading my book and with my girls next to me, and not worrying about what the place we're staying in really looks like, and just I just am there.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm teaching them, oh my god, I look at the person looking house.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm teaching them how to make bracelets and watching and swimming with them.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like bought a pair of goggles and like I'm going under the water and like holding their hands, and and I did a lot of that not at the beach too.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like I bought goggles at the beginning of the summer, and I've been like playing with them in the water and doing things like handstand contests and stuff.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_01: Clay, that's a non-pharmaceutical, and it just is so joyful.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's part of your non-pharmaceutical, right?
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_01: Right, clay, yeah.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, what's really interesting is that my husband notices that version of me.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: And it makes him so happy him down by being that version.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um it really goes back to like who I'm not letting anyone down by being me.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_02: No, in fact, in fact, it sounds like it's the opposite.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_02: It sounds like you're filling people up by being you.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes, it's the opposite of letting people down.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_02: It's like it serves them.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, which is interesting because you said your love language is to provide.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_02: I lost you.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_02: You there?
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_02: Why don't you put me take off the video and just put me on audio?
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_02: It might work better for you.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I just have no service, but now I'm back.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_01: I missed what you just said.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you told me that your love language was to provide.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_02: And you just told me that when you're yourself, you provide your husband with joy.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_01: You're right.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_01: And myself.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_02: And your kids for sure.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_01: What the heck am I doing?
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_02: That's a great question.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_02: What are you doing?
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, let's ask, let's answer that.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_02: What are you doing?
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm self-sabotaging.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, you are.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_02: And I would actually say it goes beyond you.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_02: You're not just self-sabotaging, you're sabotaging everything everyone else wants, too.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm bringing everyone down with me.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_02: You are now this is where all the work in self-compassion comes, though, right?
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_02: Because this is not an opportunity for you to then shame and blame yourself because then you're right back in the self-sabotage again, right?
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_02: So, what does it sound like, Carly, to offer yourself some self-compassion around what you're realizing today?
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think it sounds like of course you're scared, and of course you're feeling overwhelmed and like you're doing a lot of work internally because you are.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_01: But look how far you have come, and what look at all the joy you experience because of the work you've done.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_01: And think about all the work that you could still do and what that joy could possibly look like.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_02: I I do want to stop you because that's not entirely self-compassion.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_02: There was a little bit of cheerleading in there.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_02: So self-compassion is like, of course, I'm self-sabotaging.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_02: I have this, I have for most of my life had this deep belief of no pain, no gain on steroids.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_02: And if I have been committed and believed that that's true, then of course I'm gonna get in my way of making the decisions that feel best for me, right?
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_02: So so again, I just want to be clear.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_02: Self-compassion is not, and look at all the good things you're doing.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_02: Self-k we can do that too, but that's not self-compassion.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_02: Self-compassion is just like, yeah, how I'm feeling where you are.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_02: Like how I'm feeling and what I'm doing actually makes sense given A, B, and C.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_02: Meaning, Carly, if Kate Kripke had that belief, I would be self-sabotaging too.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's not about you, it's about the belief.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm breaking a cycle, and it's a really big cycle.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, it is.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_02: It's brave work, which is interesting because we can't access bravery without fear.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_02: So now we are back at the edge of the river, and you're gripping so hard to the side of the river where you're being mauled by lions, aka you're gripping so hard to this no gain, no pain, no gain belief, and you're terrified to let go because you just took us through this.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_02: Someone might decide they don't like you anymore.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_02: And then we say, okay, so what happens if you do it anyway?
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_02: What happens if you let yourself be scared of that?
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_02: But you do it anyway.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_02: And what you answered when I asked you that question a different way is well, what if?
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_02: Then I mean, I still be okay.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_02: I'd be fine.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_02: That's the reverse belt you just took us through.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_01: And one would argue I would be better.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_02: Well we what we said is you wouldn't have to go through all the negative consequences to get there, which is the health challenges and the distraction from the joy of being with your kids and this sleeping well and the whatever else you can't do when you're holding on for dear life to something that's actually causing you pain.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I guess the bravery then behind it all is that I need to be brave enough to stand up to myself, which is my limited belief or which are my limited beliefs plural.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah I mean I'm going to say it a little bit different than that so it's not quite as combative feeling right and remind you of the parts work which I don't know if you've really in been at a lot of those calls but really what we're saying is that there is a part of you she's very young.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_02: I mean she's you know early school age there's a part maybe even younger there's a part of you that believes that it's not okay for you to engage in actions or choices that make you feel good until you felt really bad.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_02: There's a part of you that believes that and what needs to happen is that the capital S self Carly the one who you pulled forward who's here right now with me and the one who you pulled forward in that last visualization in the COM connection system she needs to have a conversation with that younger part of you it's not combative it's actually very loving.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_02: It needs to be a loving conversation a curious conversation it's not standing up to anyone it's actually making room for and and having a conversation that that part of you needs to hear what does she need to hear what does that little girl need to hear Carly that you don't need to earn anything or do anything to be loved why not how do you know because you just being yourself is more than enough in what everybody needs from you and expects from you.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's the expectation is for you to just be you.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_01: How does she feel when she hears that like all the stress of trying and working and doing all the things just goes away.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_02: So it sounds to me Carly like you need to really play out a conversation between those two parts the part that's young and really feels like she has to suffer before she can have anything good for her.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_02: And then the more integrated whole capital S self part that is really wise she's calm she's competent she's clear right all those things she needs to have a conversation with her.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_02: Now I think truthfully Carly I think part of what that little part of you needs to hear is that you know if if she were to say yeah but how do you know that how do you know I'll still be loved how do you know I'll still be okay what she might need to hear from that other part of you that's with me right now is because I will love you I will not abandon you.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_02: It's me right so when she says how do you know the the more integrated self gets to say because it's me I'm the one making the decisions.
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_02: I am deciding whether or not to love you and abandon you I'm deciding whether or not to still be here for you I'm not going anywhere.
• 48:33
  SPEAKER_02: I've got you how does that feel if if she hears that how does how does that feel for her like a big hug yes yes like a big hug where you just get to like fall into the person and like they just hold you and carry you that's exactly right so what does the version of you that the younger version of you that's really fearful of putting down those beliefs what does she want to say now?
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_01: What does she need now I guess that she needs this is so difficult.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_02: Allow it to not be difficult.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_02: So just to get you back here she's been really scared she's been really committed to this idea that it's not okay for her to give herself any kind of care until she's suffered immensely and she heard from this part of you that really is steady and stable and calm and has perspective and grounded she heard from that part of you say to her it's okay it's actually okay you don't have to work so hard all the time you're it's okay for you to let go of that and she said how do you know what if how do you know people will love me?
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_02: How do you know people won't abandon me and what she heard this capital F C Capital S self say to her is because it's me because I know I know that it makes sense that you feel that way because of whatever we don't really know but it's it there's some reason for it.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I love you anyway and I'm here to catch you like I'm not going to abandon you I've got you and the question is how does that more vulnerable little girl part of you feel now is there anything else she needs to hear is there anything else she needs you said it feels she feels like she's been hugged and the question is is there anything else she needs or to needs to hear there may not be I think that is enough for her to be able to that is enough look at that is enough so where you are now I feel definitely calmer and less overwhelmed feeling like there's not a ton ahead of me so to speak because the way you just worded it and took me through all of that seems so simple drama free huh yeah so let's let's do what we always do on these calls and come up with an action step right so I guess two questions what's your takeaway from this call today and what's one tiny action step you can take take with respect to that takeaway I think my biggest takeaway is that I myself in my truest form am enough more than enough in fact and that's what everyone around me including myself is looking for right that's powerful it feels really great to feel that yeah yeah yeah it's like you just put a life preserver on yourself so that you could let go of the side right yeah yeah right so what's your action step you know to sound a little odd maybe but probably not after all this to not do anything in the house tonight and only see me with my children.
• 54:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay the laundry can wait all the stuff I'm not gonna do it I'm not doing it okay and then I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna watch your show when they go to bed.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_02: Great everything can wait beautiful so Carly can you circle back to Boxer to the group please and report back after you've had this afternoon and evening and night so tomorrow at some point can you just report back yes amazing I'm feeling like excited about tonight I'm so glad it sounds like a lovely night it does yeah you feel different than you did at the start of our call today yeah yes I want to remind you that nothing outside of you has changed since an hour ago I know okay so this is how powerful this work is Carly this is how powerful your thoughts are and you keep saying over and over oh my gosh but it's so much work how much more work can there to be did this I mean I think I'm hearing you say that you feel both relaxed and energized right now correct okay so you also just worked real hard for the last hour just to be clear you did some hard good work right okay so what's harder this work or what you were doing before what I was doing before yeah okay right this work leads you to energy motivation excitement and calm and groundedness right the other work leads you to the opposite depletion exhaustion overwhelm and anxious right right right okay you've got this see what you did there yeah yeah so you can still work hard you can still be someone who provides right it's just a different kind of work and a different kind of providing right but those two values of working hard and providing they don't have to change you can keep those values if you want right go for it they're great values right just put them to work in a way that is more beneficial to my true self and what's exactly right that is exactly right right use them you know do the things that are related to working hard and providing that get you where you're saying you want to be not that keep you trapped where you currently are right get you farther away from that right I mean that's right right oh I'm excited to get my girls now I'm so glad I can't wait to hear about your evening I really appreciate you yeah well I appreciate you you're working hard I mean this is not easy stuff Carly it's really it's like shaking the foundation I mean you just told me that you have had this belief since you were a little girl so in many ways we're shaking your foundation here it's not it's brave brave work and you are doing it you are doing it so I appreciate you and I would be here all by myself for this hour if you hadn't shown up so thank you for that well thank you you're welcome I'll see you soon okay I'll call I'll talk tomorrow on the boxer.
• 58:37
  SPEAKER_02: That sounds great okay bye hey listeners if you enjoyed this episode I would love to request that you share it with one mom out there who you know might benefit.
• 58:54
  SPEAKER_02: You know there are a lot of women who feel like they're mothering alone and it takes all of our help to make sure that everyone feels like they have what they need to both feel successful and also feel supported.
• 59:06
  SPEAKER_02: So please take a moment and just share it with one person.
• 59:10
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• 59:26
  SPEAKER_02: So thanks again for your help with this and I'm assuming you do find this podcastful because you're still here at the end listening to this memo.
• 59:36
  SPEAKER_02: So thanks for being here and share away sending love