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Want Responsible Teens? It All Starts With You · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh, and you're listening to Impact Parenting with Perspective, episode number 241.
• 0:09
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens.
• 0:18
  Ben: So they can focus on what's most important, building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their team's life.
• 0:26
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your team turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:36
  Ben: Hey, welcome back to the podcast and thank you for being here today to listen to some ideas about parenting and how to support today's teens.
• 0:49
  Ben: Today we are going to be talking about responsibility, which in my opinion is something that a lot of parents, and I'm guilty of this too, right?
• 1:01
  Ben: And also a lot of adults, whether it be adults in the school setting or an athletic setting, or even in church settings.
• 1:11
  Ben: But the problem is a lot of adults are expecting more responsibility out of their teenagers than.
• 1:20
  Ben: They're willing to exhibit in their own lives.
• 1:24
  Ben: And today I'll, I want to talk about the power of responsibility and becoming the example that our teens need when it comes to responsibility.
• 1:38
  Ben: Now, I wanted to start off by just talking a little bit about the world that we live in today.
• 1:46
  Ben: We live in a world that is full of blame.
• 1:49
  Ben: It's Full of complaining and excuse making.
• 1:54
  Ben: And one of the things that I believe we need to do to radically transform the world that we live in is to commit to taking responsibility of our own lives, of the results that we create and our teenagers.
• 2:14
  Ben: Aren't going to be willing to do this if we as parents aren't first willing to do this.
• 2:21
  Ben: So the responsibility for raising a responsible teen, well, first of all, your teen has to choose to be responsible.
• 2:31
  Ben: You can't make them be responsible, but as parents, we have this powerful responsibility of being the example, of embodying responsibility.
• 2:43
  Ben: What it looks like to be responsible.
• 2:46
  Ben: And when we do this, our teens are going to follow our example.
• 2:51
  Ben: And even if they don't follow our example, at least they'll have a good idea of what responsibility looks like.
• 3:00
  Ben: So today let's talk about the blame game versus responsibility.
• 3:08
  Ben: I teach about.
• 3:10
  Ben: Some different mindsets.
• 3:12
  Ben: You've probably heard me talk about this before, and if not, that's okay.
• 3:16
  Ben: But I talked about the victim mindset, the hero mindset, and the creator mindset.
• 3:24
  Ben: Now the victim mindset, this sees life as if it's happening to you.
• 3:30
  Ben: And this mindset thrives.
• 3:33
  Ben: On blaming, complaining, making excuses and criticizing.
• 3:38
  Ben: those are kind of the triggers that I like to show to my clients.
• 3:42
  Ben: whether I'm working with parents or teens, I like to help them understand that, Hey, if you are blaming someone else, if you are complaining about something, if you're making excuses.
• 3:54
  Ben: Or if you're criticizing, you are in the victim mentality, and it's powerful when you understand that because then you have a choice.
• 4:02
  Ben: Well, do I want to stay in the victim mindset or do I want to start embracing the hero mindset?
• 4:10
  Ben: Now, if the victim mindset sees life is happening in To you, the hero mindset sees life as happening for you and this mindset, it takes ownership and it embraces responsibility and it fosters accountability.
• 4:30
  Ben: And.
• 4:31
  Ben: In leadership as a principal and when I coach high school football, the most successful teams that I've been a part of have individuals who are willing to be responsible, who encourage accountability.
• 4:50
  Ben: And these are people that.
• 4:52
  Ben: In that system, they really thrive.
• 4:55
  Ben: And one of the things that I've noticed, people who aren't willing to live up to that standard, usually check themselves out.
• 5:03
  Ben: Like we had staff that would leave the school because they didn't want to live up to that level of accountability.
• 5:12
  Ben: We've had football players that have quit because they didn't want to be accountable for their actions.
• 5:18
  Ben: So.
• 5:19
  Ben: This hero mindset, I've seen it at work back when I was a high school principal.
• 5:26
  Ben: I've seen it in work, in schools and football teams in my own family.
• 5:33
  Ben: And it is powerful.
• 5:35
  Ben: Now, on the other hand, I've also seen the victim mindset just spread like wildfire and really bring down a whole team.
• 5:46
  Ben: If there isn't the degree of responsibility that Doesn't allow for the victim mindset.
• 5:54
  Ben: So in my opinion, victim mentality, it leads to failure, stagnation, a lack of control, whereas hero mindset leads to growth and success and an empowering sense of control.
• 6:11
  Ben: So let's talk about where responsibility starts.
• 6:16
  Ben: Teens learn responsibility by observing it.
• 6:21
  Ben: In their parents, in adult leaders, in their lives, teens are herd animals.
• 6:29
  Ben: And I teach this concept that we're all herd animals and we want to fit in with the herd.
• 6:36
  Ben: We want to pattern ourselves after the herd and be like the herd.
• 6:41
  Ben: Now, it's important that you as parents realize that you are the herd.
• 6:47
  Ben: The most impactful members of your teens heard.
• 6:51
  Ben: It doesn't matter if their friends are living in the victim mentality and they're blaming and they avoid responsibility at all costs.
• 6:58
  Ben: If they have parents who are willing to exemplify being responsible, that will model that behavior.
• 7:08
  Ben: And so I believe the most important thing you can do is to be the type of parent that models responsibility and the behavior that you expect out of your teams.
• 7:22
  Ben: Now, like I said earlier, One of the problems is parents often demand accountability from their teens when they're not willing to live up to that same accountability.
• 7:34
  Ben: And one of the things that I'm working on teaching my kids is one of being responsible for your choices and being accountable to.
• 7:47
  Ben: Live within the choices that you've made.
• 7:51
  Ben: So the other day, my nine year old son was like, dad, I want to go to basketball with you in the morning, three days a week.
• 7:58
  Ben: I play basketball.
• 8:00
  Ben: I get up at 5:15 and I go play with a bunch of dudes and we just go to run around and get in shape.
• 8:07
  Ben: I woke up my son this morning and I was like, Hey, let's go to basketball.
• 8:11
  Ben: And he's like, Oh, I don't know that I want to.
• 8:14
  Ben: He's like, you know what I said?
• 8:15
  Ben: I would.
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  Ben: Let's go.
• 8:17
  Ben: That's being responsible.
• 8:18
  Ben: I chose this.
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  Ben: I committed to this.
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  Ben: Let's do it.
• 8:22
  Ben: And like I said, successful teams and successful teaching staffs and successful families.
• 8:29
  Ben: They create a culture of responsibility and accountability.
• 8:34
  Ben: And it starts with you, the parent.
• 8:37
  Ben: In a role of leadership so that you can model that behavior.
• 8:42
  Ben: And one of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself is, am I modeling the level of responsibility that I want my team to have?
• 8:52
  Ben: And sometimes if I'm honest with myself, I'm not sometimes I'll commit to do something and I'm like, Oh, you know what?
• 9:00
  Ben: I can just bail on this.
• 9:02
  Ben: There'll be okay.
• 9:04
  Ben: And then.
• 9:06
  Ben: I realize I'm not being the example of what I want my team to be.
• 9:11
  Ben: So when it comes to teaching responsibility to teens, I feel it's important number one, to be the example that you want to see in your team.
• 9:24
  Ben: Start recognizing the difference between the hero mindset and the victim mindset and really consciously choose to be in the hero mindset.
• 9:34
  Ben: for that.
• 9:34
  Ben: As much as possible.
• 9:36
  Ben: Also, when possible highlight examples of taking ownership as a family.
• 9:42
  Ben: And you can do this.
• 9:44
  Ben: There's like all of a sudden I can't remember the word.
• 9:47
  Ben: There's like examples that are like, Hey, this is what I want it to look like.
• 9:51
  Ben: And then there are, I believe they call them non examples.
• 9:53
  Ben: Like, Hey, uh, this is where things went wrong.
• 9:57
  Ben: This is an example of what not to do.
• 9:59
  Ben: It's powerful.
• 10:00
  Ben: If you can highlight and teach.
• 10:03
  Ben: It's also important that you praise the effort and the accountability instead of perfection.
• 10:11
  Ben: Like if your teen is anything like my teens, they're not going to be perfect.
• 10:16
  Ben: And if you can really praise their effort in being accountable, man, just tonight, I could have done so much better at this, uh, we ate smash burgers and hamburgers for dinner and.
• 10:31
  Ben: One of my sons was taking some off the grill and dropped some on the ground.
• 10:37
  Ben: And I was like, dude, what the crap?
• 10:39
  Ben: I was upset.
• 10:40
  Ben: I was angry.
• 10:41
  Ben: And looking back, I wish I would have praised his effort and his willingness to be accountable.
• 10:48
  Ben: Uh, he totally could have pretended that nothing happened.
• 10:52
  Ben: He didn't have to tell us he was being honest.
• 10:54
  Ben: He's being accountable.
• 10:56
  Ben: And that's something I'm actually, once I get off this podcast, I'm going to rectify that parenting weakness and I'm going to.
• 11:06
  Ben: Go praise him.
• 11:07
  Ben: I'm gonna be like, dude, I appreciate you being willing to own up to a mistake that you made.
• 11:12
  Ben: Thank you I'm sorry that I was so short tempered Another thing that is important to find ways to have open conversations about the impact of either the victim mentality or the hero mentality on your teen's life This is a conversation that I regularly have with my team clients, and they're getting really good at seeing, oh man, this problem that I was having in math class, it's directly related to me, not taking responsibility.
• 11:47
  Ben: It's me looking at things.
• 11:50
  Ben: happening to me rather than looking at things as if they're happening for me.
• 11:55
  Ben: And when you have these open conversations, it will help your teens develop some awareness and realize, Oh, here is a moment where I'm getting into the victim mentality.
• 12:06
  Ben: How do I choose the hero mindset?
• 12:09
  Ben: And keep in mind that responsibility is not just a principle.
• 12:14
  Ben: This is a foundation for long term success.
• 12:18
  Ben: Like it isn't enough to be responsible one day.
• 12:22
  Ben: We want to live this principle all the time.
• 12:27
  Ben: So I want to help you explore some powerful questions.
• 12:34
  Ben: And I believe that the power to change your life comes in asking yourself more powerful questions.
• 12:41
  Ben: So for example, you could ask yourself, Hey, where am I currently modeling responsibility and where am I not modeling responsibility?
• 12:53
  Ben: When I asked myself this, the answer came right to me.
• 12:56
  Ben: I am responsible by taking ownership.
• 13:00
  Ben: When I parent out of alignment with who I want to be.
• 13:04
  Ben: And I apologize and I course correct.
• 13:07
  Ben: That's an example of me being responsible.
• 13:11
  Ben: And here's an example where I'm falling short.
• 13:15
  Ben: When I go watch my son play basketball and I start criticizing the refs and blaming the refs, I'm being an example.
• 13:24
  Ben: But of all the wrong things, I'm teaching my kid, Hey, it's okay to blame.
• 13:27
  Ben: It's okay to make excuses.
• 13:30
  Ben: Another question you could ask is what excuses or complaints do I need to let go of so I can show my team a better example, or you could ask yourself, how can I create opportunities for my team to take responsibility for their actions?
• 13:47
  Ben: And when you start asking yourself better questions, your subconscious is going to start coming up with better answers.
• 13:55
  Ben: So I would like to challenge you for one week, identify every time you make an excuse or that you blame or that you complain.
• 14:06
  Ben: And start replacing it with something that you can control, like rather than blaming my team for something, I want to shift my attention and be like, well, I can't control that.
• 14:18
  Ben: What can I control?
• 14:19
  Ben: And then I want to take action.
• 14:22
  Ben: In that area instead.
• 14:26
  Ben: Now there's a couple of books that I want to recommend.
• 14:30
  Ben: I meant to mention them earlier, but I completely forgot.
• 14:34
  Ben: Um, I've read both of these books.
• 14:36
  Ben: One is roadmap to responsibility, the power of given five to transfer form schools, that's written by Larry Thompson.
• 14:47
  Ben: I read that as a high school principal, and I believe that that book really helped us better.
• 14:53
  Ben: Parent and teach the teens that were at the school.
• 14:58
  Ben: And it helped me be a better foster dad because it helped me really empower my teens and helped give me concrete tools on how to help them be responsible.
• 15:10
  Ben: Another book that I would recommend is called radical responsibility by.
• 15:15
  Ben: Fleet mall, and I really liked that the book was kind of written.
• 15:22
  Ben: I, every chapter was like, Hey, journal about this journal about this.
• 15:27
  Ben: I thought that was awesome because it helped me explore where I was struggling with responsibility or maybe where I was doing well.
• 15:37
  Ben: So the two books are number one.
• 15:40
  Ben: Roadmap to Responsibility by Larry Thompson, and number two, Radical Responsibility by Fleet Mall.
• 15:48
  Ben: I've got links in the show notes.
• 15:51
  Ben: And basically, the take home that I want you to keep in mind.
• 15:57
  Ben: Um, responsibility is Life changing and it starts with you as the parent, just like it starts with me as a parent of my own kids and how you take responsibility will model for your team, how they can take responsibility and it will inspire them to follow you and the world.
• 16:24
  Ben: It encourages blame and excuse making, but you have the power to choose a different path, and when you make that choice, that will model for your team that, Hey, you too have the power to choose a different path by being the example of responsibility, the change that you want to see in your team will start taking place in you.
• 16:49
  Ben: And I promise you, your teen is watching you more than they want to admit.
• 16:55
  Ben: So just trust that and be the change that you want to see.
• 17:00
  Ben: Uh, there's a quote that I thought was good.
• 17:03
  Ben: this is by Winston Churchill.
• 17:05
  Ben: The price of greatness is responsibility.
• 17:08
  Ben: And the Spider Man's uncle said.
• 17:11
  Ben: With great power comes great responsibility.
• 17:15
  Ben: And I just I just want to help you know that you have the power to completely change your relationship with your teen, your role as a parent by Upleveling your game when it comes to responsibility.
• 17:32
  Ben: So I want to invite you go check out those books that I mentioned.
• 17:35
  Ben: They're awesome.
• 17:37
  Ben: And really embrace the challenge and start taking responsibility and.
• 17:46
  Ben: Be willing to catch yourself blaming or making excuses or complaining and shift your attention to something that you can control, something that you are responsible for.
• 18:00
  Ben: And with that, I want to invite you.
• 18:03
  Ben: Come back, come listen next week.
• 18:05
  Ben: And if this podcast or any of my podcasts have helped you as a parent, please feel free to go leave me a review in iTunes or wherever else you listen to podcasts.
• 18:17
  Ben: That really helps me help parents just like you.
• 18:21
  Ben: So again, thank you for being here and I'll talk to you soon.