Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode 6: Tips For Fostering Vulnerability & Communication In Your Relationship

Transcript

Episode 6: Tips For Fostering Vulnerability & Communication In Your Relationship · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Lucky in Love, a podcast where we explore what really makes and breaks relationships.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're head over heels in love, caught up in the middle of some relationship drama, or just trying to figure it all out, you're in the right place.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to be lucky in love?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Join me.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's jump in.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there, friends.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So today we are going to be talking about how to foster more vulnerability and communication in your relationship.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to talk to you about this because so many people of uh so many of the people I work with, both individuals and couples, are struggling in the relationships because they lack communication and connection with each other.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: 67% of marriages that end in divorce do so because of communication problems within that relationship.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And couples who lack in communication and vulnerability have a higher level of likelihood of having infidelity occur than couples who have open, intimate conversations and communication.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: So this is really a problem when one person is craving or desiring more communication and more vulnerability than their partner is willing to give them.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And before we get jump into all of this, I do want to say this is not a male-female issue.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is a people issue.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I have so many men that reach out to me specifically because they recognize the reason why they are so unhappy in their relationships is because they do want more communication and they do want more connection and intimacy with their girlfriend or their wife.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I just had to get that out because I think that there is this misconception that men can't communicate or don't want to communicate and that they don't want or need vulnerability.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a BS.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: That is not true.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So in romantic relationships, communication is quite literally the vehicle that you use to share your inner world with your partner, right?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's how um it's how you create connection.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So anytime that you are sharing your thoughts or your feelings, ideas about things, you are being vulnerable.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: You are inviting the other person into knowing you and understanding you on a much deeper level, which is why most of us want relationships in the first place.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: We get into a relationship because we want to feel seen and heard and understood and acknowledged by someone, and we want fun and companionship.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we get into relationships.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And you cannot have any of that without communication.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to give you some things to consider, and I'm actually going to be sharing with you six different things to think about if you want to foster more communication and more vulnerability.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: But first, I just want to tell you kind of how things tend to go down.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, typically, when one person wants more than the other, the person that wants more pressures their partner or spouse.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And what this does is this like pushes them away because nobody wants to feel like they're being forced to talk about something they don't want to talk about.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, another typical thing that you see that I see is if the pressuring doesn't work, which it almost never does, then that partner tends to withdraw.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And they withdraw because they are trying, they're going into like self-preservation mode.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're time, they're tired of trying and being rejected.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so they withdraw, which creates even more distance, which is the opposite of what we're trying to accomplish, right?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to accomplish more connection with each other.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, what can you do?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the very first step, regardless of where you're at in your relationship, is to understand why this is a problem in the first place.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Some people, let's just be honest, some people just naturally are not as communicative.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: They don't enjoy talking.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: They don't enjoy talking about themselves, um, and especially not about their feelings.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: So quite literally just could be that they're not wired like that.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason is that um maybe they came from a family where they didn't talk, a family where talking about your feelings and showing emotions was frowned upon, right?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, which a lot of times kids will feel rejected.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so they bring that into their adulthood as they, you know, as they go through their years and they enter into grown-up relationships.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: So it very likely could be that they came from a family that discouraged talking about their emotions.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in a new relationship, it's quite possible that the person that you've just started dating has had their heart broken.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're gun shy, right?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: They've been hurt and they don't want to repeat that.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so they're protecting themselves.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: That is all a normal part of um growth and entering into new relationships after you've had your heart broken.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: So be patient because this might be part of the issue.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're in a long-term relationship and there used to be connection and now there isn't, it's probably happening because you have some unresolved underlying issues happening in the relationship.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a lot of resentment and potentially some defensiveness.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And um, that is the opposite of like fostering vulnerability and communication.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: So if that is the issue, you are most likely going to need to get some professional help to help you work on those underlying issues in your relationship.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so what are some practical things that you can do?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing is to really be mindful of how you're responding when your partner opens up and shares something with you.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: What I see happening a lot in long-term relationships is there'll be a snide comment or you'll bring something up that happened 20 years ago.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, well, you know, this happened 25 years ago with so-and-so.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's kind of like a put-down.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: When you stand in judgment, when you when your partner feels like you're putting them down for something that they've shared with you, that's not going to want, um, help them want to talk to you.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, another rule of thumb is you never side with the enemy.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning, if they come home, let's say from work and a coworker made some comment that was really hurtful or pissed them off or it was mean or whatever.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And let's say you agree with the coworker, like maybe what they said is actually accurate.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't tell your partner that.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: If this is something that you actually do agree with and you think it's important, then that's a conversation for another time.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: So remember, you never side with the enemy.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing for you to be thinking about is you don't want to use anything that your partner has told you in confidence against them.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I see that happen a lot when people get into arguments or when they're um angry or upset with each other.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: They will use things against each other.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to do that.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you want them to continue to be open with you, you have to check yourself and make sure you are biting your tongue and not insulting them or throwing their past in their face.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing that you want to do is you want to make sure you're talking every single day.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be about deep deep stuff.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: It can be about just kind of mundane things.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: But experts say that you should be talking at a minimum at 15 minutes a day.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: That is not very long to stop and connect.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: So put the phone down, turn off the TV, and have a conversation for at least 15 minutes a day.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is why my husband and I do our sunset dates, is to make sure that we are taking the time to connect.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what's really sad is that the average American couple only spends 20 minutes a week, a week talking.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: 20 minutes.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not good at math, you guys, but I know that that's only what, three or four minutes a day.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: That is not enough communication to maintain a happy, healthy relationship.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: The next suggestion is to pay attention to how you are talking with each other on a regular basis.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, you need to check yourself when you're pissed off or upset with each other, but this is also including just your everyday, normal conversation that you have.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the words that you choose, the tone of voice that you use, your facial expression, all of these things influence the way your partner is perceiving whatever it is you're talking about.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it has an influence on how they feel about you.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and people don't want to share things with people they don't like.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're talking to them consistently in a way that they don't like, it's going to impact your relationship.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to impact the way that your relationship feels.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: So you want to make sure you're you're like checking yourself on that.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: I would also suggest if you can do it in a really calm, neutral way, um, if your partner or spouse is talking to you in a way that you don't like, start making it normal for you to point that out.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: But you point it out using I statements.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel, you know, so like when um this happened a couple days ago, my husband and I were having a conversation about a coffee cup.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this conversation about the coffee cup went sideways and it went sideways out of nowhere.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I call these what the fuck moments when you're having a perfectly fine conversation, then all of a sudden it takes like a left turn, and now you're now you're upset and in an argument.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: So we were having one of those moments, and I could not figure out what was going on, you guys.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I kept trying to de-escalate and he wouldn't let me de-escalate.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: He actually called me out.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, You can't coach your way out of this conversation.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I, my mind was just blowing.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what the hell just happened?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: So finally I just said, babe, what is going on?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what I missed something.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it turned out the tone of voice that I was using, um, he thought was very condescending, like I'm right, you're wrong, kind of a tone of voice.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that was not my intention.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even realize that I was doing it.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I just said, gosh, I'm, you know, I'm sincerely sorry.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: That was not my intention.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll stop and I will do my best to not do that again, or at least catch myself.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if I am doing it again, please tell me, like before you get upset.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I do this with him too.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: If I feel like he's being harsh with me or short with me, I will say something like, you know, I feel like you're being really harsh with me right now.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Can we just like take it down a notch?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's like my favorite way of saying that.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Can we take it down a notch?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can we dial it down, dial it back a bit, or something like that?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so cueing your partner in to the tone of voice, I think, is pretty key in order to establish trust and maintain trust through communication in your relationship.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: The fifth suggestion that I have is if you're in a new relationship, a new romantic relationship, continue to build your friendship.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in a long-term relationship, you need to re-establish that friendship.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Go do fun things with each other.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, try to find a hobby that you can enjoy together.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I would also suggest that you start making deeper, more vulnerable discussions a little bit easier by talking about things that are not necessarily directly related to your relationship.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's fun ways to do this, like you get those little conversation cards they sell on Amazon.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Esther Perel has a great one.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Where should we begin?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the Gottmans also have 52 questions to ask before marriage.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: These are fun ways of just having a little bit of dialogue about like some intimate things and vulnerable things that are not necessarily directly related to your relationship.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the sixth and last suggestion that I have for you is to be willing to go first.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by that is be willing to be vulnerable first, be willing to initiate the conversation of I really want and need more connection with you.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: What can we do?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, now here's the hard part.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in a long-term relationship and you are now disconnected, like I said in the beginning, there are likely some relationship, other relationship problems that are happening that is preventing your partner from wanting to talk to you about it.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that really is where you need to like have someone step in and help you through that if your partner or spouse is willing to do that.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if they're not willing to do that, you're gonna have to make a decision of how important communication and intimacy is to you.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if it is very important to you, it is to most people, then you are gonna have to make a decision of how you want to proceed if your partner is absolutely unwilling to work on being more open and work on those unresolved um relationship issues.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: So the last thing I want to say about this is if you do talk to your partner about it and they absolutely refuse to talk, like you feel like you're talking to a brick wall, talk anyway.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even if they are like acting like they're not listening to you, they're most likely listening to you.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you need to tell them where you're coming from and how you're feeling and how important this is to you.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is going to give them an opportunity to decide what they want to do, if they want to try or not to change this about the relationship.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it's going to take both of you to do work to turn this around.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're interested in learning more about communication in in romantic relationships, I suggest um, I have some suggestions for you.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's a book called Eight Dates, and that's a fantastic book, um, regardless of where you're at in your relationship.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's written by John and Julie Gottman.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: I absolutely love that book.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Deborah Tannin, I really like all of her books.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't necessarily have one that I can say, but all of her books are really good, and I would check her out.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Brene Brown is someone also who has a fantastic body of work all around the topic of vulnerability and relationships.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she also has a documentary and a TED Talks, and she has books.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would check out Brenee Brown.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, if you need help, either just for yourself or in your own relationship with you and your significant other, I am still offering uh private coaching.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're interested in working with me, I would love to have a conversation with you.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn more by visiting kahoskins.com and reach out that way.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my friends, I hope that you found this helpful and I look forward to talking to you next week.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're at a crossroads in your relationship and you do not know what to do, maybe you're wondering if it can work, maybe you're not even sure if that's what you want.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: I have some good news for you.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to figure this out alone.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to go check out my 12-week coaching program called Before You Break Up.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our time together, you are either going to feel more connected to your partner or spouse, or you're going to have the clarity and the confidence to know that parting ways is the best choice.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: So stop what you're doing and go visit kahobskins.com to learn more.