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Why Kids Need More Free Play, Outdoor Time, and Healthy Risks · Raising Daughters

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello friends, Doctor Tim Jordan back here in the Saddle
0:18
Speaker 1: with a brand new podcast. And this is one of
0:22
Speaker 1: my favorite things to talk about because I'm going to
0:24
Speaker 1: talk today about play. And you know, the summertime is
0:30
Speaker 1: here for probably most of you. Your kids are probably
0:32
Speaker 1: done with school or they will be soon. And so
0:36
Speaker 1: I entitled this podcast All I Really needed to Know
0:41
Speaker 1: I learned in a sandbox, And I stole that concept
0:45
Speaker 1: from Robert Fulgrim's book that came out gosh what thirty
0:48
Speaker 1: years ago or so. All I really needed to know
0:51
Speaker 1: I learned in kindergarten. I'm gonna talk about the sandbox today,
0:54
Speaker 1: which means all I really need to learn I learned
0:58
Speaker 1: out and about in the real world at play. And
1:04
Speaker 1: it's important to talk about because free play in this
1:08
Speaker 1: country start to decline back in the eighties, and it
1:12
Speaker 1: got even more so that way more declined. In the nineties.
1:17
Speaker 1: We had the sphere of kidnappers and sex offenders. The
1:20
Speaker 1: first time we heard about stranger danger was back in
1:23
Speaker 1: the early nineteen eighties. A lot of things started happening
1:27
Speaker 1: besides that, though, recess started shrinking since the nineteen eighty
1:32
Speaker 1: three Nation at Risk Report, which basically said that the
1:35
Speaker 1: US schools our US kids are getting behind academically. So
1:41
Speaker 1: what happened is a lot of things. The school year lengthened,
1:44
Speaker 1: which started cutting into summer vacation. Homework levels increase, more testing,
1:50
Speaker 1: recess got shortened, and in some schools it was cut
1:54
Speaker 1: out entirely. Not only did homework levels increase, but it
1:59
Speaker 1: started being pushed down to lower and lower levels, and
2:04
Speaker 1: so kids had much less time to just play. I've
2:10
Speaker 1: talked before about the effects of social media and phones
2:13
Speaker 1: and things. That's also a piece of this pie. Because
2:18
Speaker 1: kids started spending more more time indoors on their tablets,
2:21
Speaker 1: playing video games and all that. I'm going to talk
2:24
Speaker 1: about something a little bit different today. I want to
2:27
Speaker 1: talk about the sandbox, meaning I want to talk about
2:31
Speaker 1: being outside that kids these days, I think, are not
2:36
Speaker 1: developing a love of nature in the outdoors. Number one,
2:40
Speaker 1: because they don't have time because of all the homework
2:43
Speaker 1: and the school hours, and also because of all the
2:46
Speaker 1: intense select sports teams. So kids are at practice, they're outside,
2:50
Speaker 1: but they're being adult directed constantly. I'm talking about kids
2:55
Speaker 1: being outside and being self directed, having the freedom to
3:01
Speaker 1: when they're seeing that sandbox, when they're out in the backyard,
3:03
Speaker 1: when they're down the street. They can create their own characters,
3:06
Speaker 1: their own plots, their own stories. They can use their imaginations,
3:10
Speaker 1: they can take artistic risks, they can make up their
3:14
Speaker 1: own rules when they're out and about doing their own thing,
3:16
Speaker 1: whether it's in the sandbox or whether it's out on
3:18
Speaker 1: the field behind the house. I think I've told you
3:22
Speaker 1: once before in a previous podcast about a game that
3:25
Speaker 1: we created a camps a bunch of years ago. One
3:30
Speaker 1: time we were at the camp that we rent for
3:32
Speaker 1: the summer weeks had built a Gaga ball pit, which
3:37
Speaker 1: is a I think it's an octagon, right, the boards
3:40
Speaker 1: that are about oh what about three or four feet high,
3:43
Speaker 1: and so there's some kind of game you play inside
3:46
Speaker 1: the ga got pit. And so some of the kids
3:49
Speaker 1: said it was kind of boring that they did that
3:51
Speaker 1: at school. So then we challenge them with creating their
3:54
Speaker 1: own game. And what they created was Camp Wheelikai's Snake Pit,
4:00
Speaker 1: which meant that there were eight people around this run
4:05
Speaker 1: this octagon on one of those each of the sides,
4:08
Speaker 1: and they would put their water bottle up on top
4:11
Speaker 1: of the that board, and then the person in the
4:15
Speaker 1: queen's seat would start and she had a frisbee and
4:19
Speaker 1: she would try and knock off people's water bottles by
4:21
Speaker 1: hitting it with the frisbee. Now you couldn't you couldn't
4:25
Speaker 1: hit the water bottle of the person right next to
4:27
Speaker 1: you on either side. You had to go at least,
4:29
Speaker 1: you know, two over. And if they if she threw
4:33
Speaker 1: the frisbee hit the water bottle and it hit the ground,
4:36
Speaker 1: then that person was out and the next person in
4:38
Speaker 1: the line would come in it hit the bottle and
4:40
Speaker 1: it fell off, but they caught it the water bottle
4:42
Speaker 1: before hit the ground. They were still in. And so
4:50
Speaker 1: so we developed a whole bunch of you know rules
4:52
Speaker 1: not weed the adults the kids. We also put some
4:56
Speaker 1: plastic baseball bats and a bunch of things of that
4:59
Speaker 1: sort of those little bopping kinds of toys, so that
5:02
Speaker 1: if when someone through the frisbee and it landed inside
5:05
Speaker 1: the pit, everybody jumped over the sides and would wrestle
5:09
Speaker 1: to try and get the frisbee because they wanted to
5:11
Speaker 1: be the next person to throw it right, and so
5:14
Speaker 1: they were whacking each other with these little these bats
5:16
Speaker 1: and things. It was it was so much fun then
5:19
Speaker 1: the person I grabbed the frisbee, they would go back
5:21
Speaker 1: to their sides and then we'd start fresh. And if
5:25
Speaker 1: somebody got the frisbee and they threw and hit the
5:27
Speaker 1: queen's water bottle and it fell off hit the ground,
5:29
Speaker 1: the queen was out new queen. We will play that
5:33
Speaker 1: game sometimes in the evening for hours. It's so much fun.
5:37
Speaker 1: And what was really fun about it was it's their game.
5:42
Speaker 1: They created it, and the rules sometimes change because a
5:45
Speaker 1: new camp a new year. Sometimes we'll add add a
5:47
Speaker 1: little wrinkles to it. So that ability to create their
5:51
Speaker 1: own rules is so important because so much of kids'
5:54
Speaker 1: days and evenings and weekends are with adults directing them self.
6:03
Speaker 1: Directed play today is an endangered species. It seems like
6:08
Speaker 1: there's always adults telling kids what to do, how to play.
6:12
Speaker 1: I think when parents and teachers and coaches get involved
6:16
Speaker 1: in kids play, it oftentimes becomes less free, less playful,
6:22
Speaker 1: and less beneficial because adults just can't stop themselves from
6:28
Speaker 1: directing and protecting and taking over. I've done some adult
6:33
Speaker 1: child retreats all over the country and also in several
6:37
Speaker 1: other countries as well, and sometimes we'll have events where
6:41
Speaker 1: like the dads and their daughters, their dads and their
6:45
Speaker 1: sons are given some materials like cardboard and whatever. They're
6:48
Speaker 1: supposed to make a raft to float their daughter are
6:52
Speaker 1: sun across the pool or across the lake. And we
6:56
Speaker 1: tell the parents up front, you know, let this, let
6:59
Speaker 1: your kids take charge, let them be the ones you direct.
7:02
Speaker 1: And of course, of course, and then when we say okay,
7:04
Speaker 1: you have ten minutes to make your boat, immediately, almost
7:08
Speaker 1: always always the parents start to talk and tell the
7:12
Speaker 1: kids give me that, grab that, and the parents take over.
7:15
Speaker 1: They just can't help themselves because they want to do
7:18
Speaker 1: it right, you know what I mean, the correct way,
7:22
Speaker 1: which is ridiculous. There's no right or correct way. Activities
7:27
Speaker 1: that are freely chosen by kids and directed by kids
7:31
Speaker 1: tend to be done also for its own sake. They're
7:34
Speaker 1: not doing it to gain a level. They're not doing
7:37
Speaker 1: it to get a reward, they're not doing it to
7:38
Speaker 1: get a trophy. They're doing it because it's fun. They're
7:41
Speaker 1: with their buddies, they're with kids their age, and they're
7:44
Speaker 1: doing it for fun. There's not enough of that in
7:46
Speaker 1: this world today as well. So much of this stuff
7:49
Speaker 1: is about competing and competing for trophies and national championships,
7:54
Speaker 1: top grades, all those kinds of things. Not enough time,
7:56
Speaker 1: self directed play that's done for its own sake. The
8:00
Speaker 1: other nice thing about being out in the sandbox, being
8:02
Speaker 1: out in nature, being outside and playing with your buddies
8:05
Speaker 1: is you make memories, lifelong memories. You're out there sharing
8:09
Speaker 1: all kinds of things with your friends, experiences, good ones
8:13
Speaker 1: and not so good ones, getting in trouble, having fun.
8:18
Speaker 1: You learn a lot of social skills out in that sandbox,
8:20
Speaker 1: right talking to each other, collaborating, sharing ideas. There's some
8:27
Speaker 1: hierarchical things that happen, but kids manage it when left
8:32
Speaker 1: to their own devices. Kids do a pretty good job
8:35
Speaker 1: of handling their own problems and their own conflicts without
8:38
Speaker 1: the need of adults. So I remember back as a
8:42
Speaker 1: kid up in the sandbox, out in our backyard, down
8:44
Speaker 1: the street, in the woods, fighting, arguing, but it was
8:49
Speaker 1: okay because we settled it. We settled it. And the
8:53
Speaker 1: other thing that's different today is when we went home,
8:57
Speaker 1: it was over because we didn't have social media. We
9:01
Speaker 1: didn't have the internet, so we weren't having to face
9:04
Speaker 1: it and hear about all night long on social media.
9:08
Speaker 1: That's what happens to girls. A lot conflicts happened, and
9:11
Speaker 1: at school, conflicts happened in the hallways of school, and
9:15
Speaker 1: then when they leave the building, it's not like whoof
9:17
Speaker 1: Now I can go home and get some rest. Since
9:20
Speaker 1: so many girls today, starting in grade school and middle school,
9:22
Speaker 1: have phones in social media, they can't get away from
9:25
Speaker 1: it because they go to their social media sites and
9:27
Speaker 1: people are still talking about people are still gossip being
9:31
Speaker 1: all that kind of thing. So they needed a chance
9:35
Speaker 1: to be able to handle their own conflicts, to collaborate, argue,
9:40
Speaker 1: fight if it had I don't want them to physically fight,
9:43
Speaker 1: but sometimes I don't know steph would happened, but when
9:46
Speaker 1: we handled it because there was no adult there to
9:52
Speaker 1: do it for us. I heard a story. I read
9:55
Speaker 1: a story about these two sisters who one day were
9:59
Speaker 1: out and about playing and the older sister was walking
10:06
Speaker 1: around the edge of a well and she fell in,
10:09
Speaker 1: and it was about fifteen or twenty feet down and
10:13
Speaker 1: she couldn't climb up the sides. It was too slippery.
10:15
Speaker 1: So there was a bucket, so her younger sister lowered
10:19
Speaker 1: the bucket down and then with all her might start
10:22
Speaker 1: pulling on the rope to bring her sister to safety.
10:25
Speaker 1: It took a long time, but she eventually got her
10:27
Speaker 1: sister over the top. She climbed over, she was safe.
10:31
Speaker 1: The two girls ran back to the village to tell
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Speaker 1: all the people, all the adults, their parents thereby, what
10:36
Speaker 1: had happened. And nobody believed them. They said, there's no
10:39
Speaker 1: way that this little girl could have pulled her sister
10:43
Speaker 1: out of that well. There's no way. They didn't believe him,
10:45
Speaker 1: and so the girls persisted, so felling the whole tribe
10:49
Speaker 1: went to the village wise men and they told him
10:54
Speaker 1: what the girls had said, and they said, do you
10:56
Speaker 1: think it's possible for this little girl to have pulled
10:58
Speaker 1: her sister out of the well? And the wise man
11:01
Speaker 1: thought he said, yes, I believe them. And they said
11:04
Speaker 1: why do you think that she could do that? And
11:07
Speaker 1: he said, because there was no adult there to tell
11:10
Speaker 1: her she couldn't do it. That's the advantage of our
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Speaker 1: kids being out and about in the sandbox, in the neighborhood,
11:18
Speaker 1: in the woods, whatever, on their own self directing. The
11:23
Speaker 1: other thing that's really important is it's very helpful for
11:26
Speaker 1: kids to be able to have play with some degree
11:30
Speaker 1: of physical risk. That's involved in it because it teaches
11:34
Speaker 1: kids to look after themselves and their buddies, their friends,
11:37
Speaker 1: each other. Kids will take on the responsibility for their
11:42
Speaker 1: own safety. When they're actually responsible for their own safety,
11:47
Speaker 1: they won't do it if mommy and daddy are some
11:49
Speaker 1: adults are there all the time, protecting them, rescuing them,
11:53
Speaker 1: telling them what to do, what not to do, all
11:55
Speaker 1: of that. If parents are hovering, kids don't learn those lessons.
12:01
Speaker 1: Rather than relying on the adult guardians that are hovering
12:04
Speaker 1: over them, they have to take care of themselves, assess
12:07
Speaker 1: risk themselves, judge those risks for themselves and their friends.
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Speaker 1: That's so powerful, it's so valuable. And if things go wrong,
12:16
Speaker 1: things go sideways, even if they get hurt, they can
12:20
Speaker 1: usually handle it without having to call in an adult
12:24
Speaker 1: to rescue them or save them. I don't ever remember
12:27
Speaker 1: calling my parents to come and rescue us or save us.
12:30
Speaker 1: We handled it. And there were kids, at least back
12:35
Speaker 1: in the day who tend to be of different age
12:37
Speaker 1: levels as well, So there's usually older kids, younger kids,
12:40
Speaker 1: and so I don't know, we took care of each other.
12:44
Speaker 1: So play with some degree of physical risk is also
12:47
Speaker 1: a good thing to have. In that sandbox or outside
12:49
Speaker 1: when they're playing. Another lesson that kids learned being out
12:53
Speaker 1: in that sandbox was they handled their boredom. They weren't
12:56
Speaker 1: bored that often because they tend to be outside playing
12:59
Speaker 1: with people. And when they walked outside on an evening
13:03
Speaker 1: or if they walked outside in the summer afternoon, there
13:05
Speaker 1: were kids out there playing. There are always kids outside
13:09
Speaker 1: playing in my neighborhood. That has changed today because of
13:13
Speaker 1: the safety issues, because parents are worried about stranger danger,
13:17
Speaker 1: and because there are so many adult directed activities that
13:22
Speaker 1: kids are involved in. In my day, it's like some
13:26
Speaker 1: old crumpy guy. But in my day, I played baseball
13:30
Speaker 1: in the summer, like on a Corey League team. I
13:32
Speaker 1: think we practiced once a week. We probably had one
13:34
Speaker 1: game in the weekend, and I think all summer long
13:37
Speaker 1: we probably played fifteen games, maybe twenty, not that many games.
13:42
Speaker 1: It's like one a weekend. If you fast forward to today,
13:48
Speaker 1: these kids are playing the same sport twelve months of
13:51
Speaker 1: the year, and they're involved, are they're trying to be
13:54
Speaker 1: involved in, or they're involved in these travel select club
13:58
Speaker 1: sports teams and they practice one day one evening week,
14:02
Speaker 1: they practice four or five days a week. They don't
14:04
Speaker 1: have one game in the weekend. They have tournaments where
14:08
Speaker 1: they're playing tournament games on Saturday and Sunday, and it's
14:12
Speaker 1: not unusual for kids to play fifty or sixty plus
14:15
Speaker 1: games in the summer. Thus, when your kid goes out
14:19
Speaker 1: into the sandbox or your kid goes out in the street,
14:22
Speaker 1: there's oftentimes nobody to play with because they're out of
14:25
Speaker 1: town at a tournament, or they're in town at a
14:27
Speaker 1: tournament and they're just not available as much. I don't
14:30
Speaker 1: like to hear that we got a chance to play
14:35
Speaker 1: games with us directing them like we would pick teams
14:39
Speaker 1: if we were playing baseball out on the street or
14:42
Speaker 1: out on the field. And the way we decide that
14:45
Speaker 1: was somebody would take a bat from one team and
14:47
Speaker 1: they would toss it to someone the other team, and
14:49
Speaker 1: they would catch it with one hand, like they took
14:52
Speaker 1: a car with their right hand. Then the opposing player
14:54
Speaker 1: would put their hand on top of that hand, and
14:56
Speaker 1: the first person would put their hand on top and
14:58
Speaker 1: it'd go up the ladder until the last person who
15:00
Speaker 1: put their hand over the top of the handle they
15:03
Speaker 1: got to pick first on the teams. That was something
15:06
Speaker 1: that every kid probably did everywhere. I bet some of
15:09
Speaker 1: you parents listening to this did that. We played, We
15:15
Speaker 1: picked teams on our own. We were playing army out
15:18
Speaker 1: in the woods. We were walking up creeks, we were
15:21
Speaker 1: fishing in ponds. In the winter time. We would go
15:23
Speaker 1: to frozen ponds and in the creek near our house
15:26
Speaker 1: was pretty wide and it would freeze, we'd play hockey
15:28
Speaker 1: on it. No adults out there, just us figuring it out.
15:35
Speaker 1: Any healthy childhood with a lot of autonomy and choice
15:41
Speaker 1: and unsupervised play out in the real world sets those
15:44
Speaker 1: kids' brains and their spirits to operate mostly in what
15:47
Speaker 1: people call discover mode as opposed to protection mode. They've
15:54
Speaker 1: a well developed system of being able to handle the
15:57
Speaker 1: risks of daily life and also the need to handle
16:01
Speaker 1: adversity because they have, they've been allowed to. Every kid
16:06
Speaker 1: needs to have those times when they can figure things
16:09
Speaker 1: out on their own. That's how they learn how to
16:11
Speaker 1: solve problems, that's how they learn how to handle adversity,
16:14
Speaker 1: and every one of those is lessons that they carry
16:16
Speaker 1: with them everywhere. The unstructured play piece of it is important,
16:24
Speaker 1: so it's important when they're out in the sandbox when
16:26
Speaker 1: they're out in the backyard, they're down the street. That
16:28
Speaker 1: there's not too many prescribed toys where there's one way
16:32
Speaker 1: to use this toy. It's better to give kids ropes
16:36
Speaker 1: and bats and balls. And it's like with that snake
16:39
Speaker 1: pit game, a frisbee and their water bottle. That's all
16:42
Speaker 1: we that's all we needed. I remember at camp a
16:46
Speaker 1: while back, sometimes we would have a warrior knight. This
16:49
Speaker 1: is back in the days when we had boys in camp.
16:51
Speaker 1: We've done it with girls as well, where we will
16:54
Speaker 1: give the kids some ropes, some boards, some inner tubes,
17:00
Speaker 1: hammer and nails, things of that sort, and we tell
17:03
Speaker 1: them you've got fifteen minutes to create a raft that
17:06
Speaker 1: you were going to take your whole team across the
17:09
Speaker 1: lake in. And then the adults walk away so we
17:12
Speaker 1: can't direct them, and then we watch them collaborate and
17:17
Speaker 1: build all kinds of really funky, fun kinds of rafts,
17:20
Speaker 1: if you will. That's so valuable for them to create
17:26
Speaker 1: their own stuff. Many of my generation's best times are
17:31
Speaker 1: best memories involved things like that, being out and about
17:35
Speaker 1: on our own, out of nature, in the sandbox, in
17:39
Speaker 1: the creek, in the woods, free and self directed, not
17:45
Speaker 1: just self directed, but self responsible. We were making decisions
17:49
Speaker 1: for ourselves and living with the consequences. We were out
17:53
Speaker 1: in the real world making decisions, taking full responsibility for
17:58
Speaker 1: the consequences of our choices, good and bad. And that's
18:02
Speaker 1: how we learned to make choices because we are allowed
18:05
Speaker 1: to make them. Kids need face to face physical physical
18:12
Speaker 1: play out and about the best place to me is outdoors.
18:17
Speaker 1: Indoors is okay, but outdoors is even better. Outdoors where
18:20
Speaker 1: they can also just sort of be on their own
18:23
Speaker 1: to be free. That kind of face to face physical
18:27
Speaker 1: play will include some physical risk taking, sometimes thrilling adventures,
18:32
Speaker 1: and because of that, they learn to take care of themselves.
18:38
Speaker 1: So when I started this podcast with the phrase that
18:42
Speaker 1: everything I really need to know I learned in the sandbox,
18:46
Speaker 1: I'm not just making that's not just a funny thing
18:48
Speaker 1: to say. I think it's true. And I'm worried that
18:52
Speaker 1: a lot of our kids, because of us, are worried
18:54
Speaker 1: about stranger danger and all the directed activities and supervisor.
19:00
Speaker 1: I feel like our kids are missing out. And sometimes
19:03
Speaker 1: people are worried because their kids aren't taking care of themselves.
19:06
Speaker 1: They're more anxious than they used to be. They have
19:08
Speaker 1: a hard time handling adversity. They don't know how to
19:10
Speaker 1: handle conflicts. That's because they're growing up differently than we did,
19:15
Speaker 1: and we need to bring back some of those old
19:18
Speaker 1: lessons and old times where kids can be out and
19:20
Speaker 1: about and to take care of themselves. So the next
19:26
Speaker 1: thing I want you to do after listening to this
19:28
Speaker 1: podcast is go buy some boards. If your kids help
19:31
Speaker 1: you build a sandbox, buy some sand But most importantly,
19:36
Speaker 1: talk to them about how you want them to be
19:38
Speaker 1: able to have more freedom and more self responsibility and
19:42
Speaker 1: to be able to take care of themselves and talk
19:43
Speaker 1: about you know, give them some boundaries that are safe,
19:48
Speaker 1: but then let them kind of play within those boundaries.
19:52
Speaker 1: I guarantee you it'll be a lot more fun for them,
19:55
Speaker 1: and the lessons learned will be a lot better than
19:58
Speaker 1: anything we can do when they're being supervised by us.
20:01
Speaker 1: It's not wrong to be supervised by adults. It's not wrong,
20:05
Speaker 1: just that they learn so much more when they're doing
20:09
Speaker 1: it for their reasons. They're self directed, and they're doing
20:12
Speaker 1: it for the sake of the activity itself and not
20:15
Speaker 1: because they're going to get some applause or some reward
20:18
Speaker 1: or some trophy, have a great summer, give your kids
20:23
Speaker 1: lots of free time. If you're finding yourselves feeling a
20:27
Speaker 1: little overwhelmed or overscheduled, step back, have some family meetings,
20:30
Speaker 1: and make some decisions about what's really important, and then
20:34
Speaker 1: follow through with that. Don't follow along with the crowd
20:37
Speaker 1: just because everybody else, everybody else's kids are on this
20:41
Speaker 1: select team and they're going to practice twelve days a week.
20:44
Speaker 1: You don't need to follow that crowd. You tench decide
20:48
Speaker 1: what's important for you and your family. If you value
20:51
Speaker 1: all the lessons that you learned in your sandbox and
20:54
Speaker 1: being outside outdoors on your own, then create that time
20:57
Speaker 1: for your kids. Thank you so much as always for
21:00
Speaker 1: stopping by here every week to listen to these podcasts.
21:04
Speaker 1: Always feel free to pass these on to your friends
21:06
Speaker 1: people you think might be interested. Check out my website
21:10
Speaker 1: at www dot dr like doctor Tim Jordan dot com
21:16
Speaker 1: to look at all the resources that I offer, books
21:18
Speaker 1: and articles and all previous podcasts. I think there's three
21:22
Speaker 1: hundred and eighty of them now three hundred eighty something,
21:25
Speaker 1: So you can go back into the the files and
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Speaker 1: look for other topics that might interest you. Also, I've
21:32
Speaker 1: written seven books, Haven't by Keeping your family ground when
21:35
Speaker 1: You're flying by the seat of your pants. Book sometime
21:37
Speaker 1: in the next month I think will come out as
21:40
Speaker 1: an audiobook, so I'll let you know on podcasts when
21:43
Speaker 1: that is so you can look for that if you'd
21:45
Speaker 1: rather listen to a book rather than read. I'll be
21:47
Speaker 1: back here in a week with a brand new podcast.
21:50
Speaker 1: As always, thank you so much for stopping by. Don't