Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 196. Are There Times When You Feel Like Your Husband Only Want's You For Sex? Hear The Shocking Poll Results And The Reasons Why So Many Women Feel This Way

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196. Are There Times When You Feel Like Your Husband Only Want's You For Sex? Hear The Shocking Poll Results And The Reasons Why So Many Women Feel This Way · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Intro: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Intro: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Intro: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Intro: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Nick: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with your host, Nick, and Amy.
• 0:46
  Nick: We are excited for today's episode.
• 0:50
  Nick: We always say that we're excited for today's episode because we love doing podcasts.
• 0:53
  Nick: I think this is a good one.
• 0:56
  Nick: The title of the day is are there times when you feel like your husband only wants you for sex?
• 1:02
  Nick: Amy and I were talking about this and talking about the subject before we even did a poll or anything, and she's like no one's going to say that they feel like that.
• 1:13
  Nick: I said I begged to differ.
• 1:15
  Nick: We thought, well, we better do a poll and find out.
• 1:20
  Amy: Let me clarify.
• 1:21
  Amy: I do think that there are women that feel like that.
• 1:25
  Amy: I was just saying I think it's not going to just be all about sex.
• 1:29
  Amy: I think a lot of women feel like he just needs me to clean his house, take care of his kids, do the chores, be the maid and have sex.
• 1:38
  Amy: It's not all those things.
• 1:40
  Amy: I don't think all women have an attitude where he just expects me to do all these things.
• 1:44
  Amy: I just think for different women it's different.
• 1:49
  Nick: It's not just all about sex sometimes I think the question we asked is specifically do you feel like your husband just wants you for sex sometimes?
• 1:57
  Amy: I'm not going to lie.
• 1:58
  Amy: I was completely shocked and disappointed with our poll answer.
• 2:06
  Nick: Before we did the poll I said, oh, my opinion this is going to be 60s, 70s, 80s.
• 2:12
  Nick: And Amy, what did you think?
• 2:14
  Nick: You were probably like no, 20%.
• 2:16
  Amy: Yeah, I totally thought.
• 2:17
  Amy: No, not many wives feel like that.
• 2:20
  Nick: One of the reasons we did this episode is because earlier back we did an episode on husbands.
• 2:26
  Nick: Do you feel like your wife only wants you for a paycheck?
• 2:30
  Nick: The stats were pretty high on husbands feeling that way.
• 2:34
  Amy: I can understand that one.
• 2:36
  Nick: Yeah, because they're just working hard and they feel like they want to be appreciated or have that sexual intimacy and things like that.
• 2:42
  Nick: That's where we decided that we better talk about this, because we also hear from women that say they feel like their husband just wants them for sex.
• 2:56
  Nick: We just did our previous podcast, the one right before this, talking about the reasons why your husband's sexual desire for you is so strong and why you should be grateful for it.
• 3:09
  Nick: I think that's a great episode to listen to before listening to this one as well, because I think it'll answer a lot of questions and help prepare for this podcast episode and help understand why maybe a lot of women feel this way.
• 3:26
  Nick: Do you agree, agree or disagree?
• 3:29
  Nick: Agree or you're speechless.
• 3:31
  Amy: You're speechless Agree, all right.
• 3:35
  Nick: Amy's speechless today, which doesn't happen very often.
• 3:40
  Amy: No, I have lots to say, All right time.
• 3:44
  Nick: So let's dive into the poll and share the poll results of what we asked, and then we can talk about.
• 3:51
  Amy: You want me to share Share?
• 3:54
  Nick: Yeah, let's share the poll results of what our question was, or what percentage, and then we can dive in and talk about everyone.
• 4:02
  Nick: We kind of summarized everyone's responses to as to what kind of were the top things of why they felt this way, and so then we'll talk about why women in general feel this way and use husbands.
• 4:15
  Nick: I mean, you should be listening to this podcast as well, intently to find out how your wife is feeling and why she may be one of the wives feeling this way.
• 4:24
  Amy: So we asked the women have there been times where you feel like you're only desired for sexual intimacy?
• 4:32
  Amy: 62% of our followers that answered this said yes.
• 4:41
  Amy: That's quite a bit.
• 4:45
  Amy: That's a lot Like.
• 4:46
  Amy: I'm not gonna lie, I was shocked.
• 4:47
  Amy: 62 is really high.
• 4:50
  Amy: But you have to also listen to the question.
• 4:53
  Amy: Have there been times where you feel like you're only desired for sexual intimacy?
• 4:57
  Amy: Sure, and that doesn't mean they feel like that all the time.
• 5:02
  Amy: They're just saying has there been time?
• 5:04
  Amy: So that's kind of what we're talking about today is why the women have felt like this before and how we can help them to not feel like this, correct.
• 5:14
  Nick: You're exactly right, and that's what we're gonna talk about is the reasons why and I love that you said that is have you felt like this?
• 5:20
  Nick: Because it's kind of like a roller coaster, right.
• 5:22
  Nick: There's probably times that things are great and they don't feel that way, and then other times the things maybe aren't as great and they do feel that way.
• 5:29
  Nick: They feel like their husband just wants them for that.
• 5:32
  Nick: And as we talk about the reasons why, obviously they're gonna feel this way, based upon what's happening in the marriage and the relationship, Absolutely.
• 5:43
  Amy: So most of the.
• 5:44
  Amy: I'm just gonna kind of sum these up.
• 5:45
  Amy: Is that all right?
• 5:46
  Amy: Or do you want me to read them all?
• 5:47
  Nick: Oh, we're gonna sum them up with you.
• 5:48
  Nick: Yeah, I think we yeah.
• 5:49
  Amy: You want me to read them?
• 5:51
  Nick: No, I think we can just sum them up on the paper, don't you?
• 5:53
  Amy: Sure.
• 5:53
  Amy: So you know, kind of going through all of these, the first answer that we kind of summed up was a lot of wives, I think, feel like sexual intimacy is more for the husband, which I am guilty of sometimes.
• 6:16
  Amy: Sometimes I do think, especially with my libido going down over the years I and you craving it so much I'm like it's easy as a woman to feel like that.
• 6:28
  Amy: I don't think that you could say that that's not kind of natural.
• 6:32
  Nick: But I think when women have the mindset that like, oh, sex is just, it's just for him, it's not really for me, it then can really feel like a chore or or like something like, okay, I just have to sit here and you know, it's totally just for him, and a lot of that is just mindset too, right?
• 6:52
  Nick: I mean, if that's the way you feel, it's going to be really hard for someone that's filling that way to enjoy being sexually intimate together.
• 7:00
  Amy: For sure.
• 7:01
  Nick: But I think when, as we talk about all the time, I think when you dive in and understand how much, you know how meaningful it really is and the sex especially for men as well is not about sex, it's about a connection, it's about being vulnerable, it's about feeling desired and feeling loved.
• 7:20
  Nick: Once you understand, like, the depth of it and how it's so much more, then maybe it's easier to understand that, hey, it's not just about sex, it's not just for men, it's, it really is a way for us to connect.
• 7:35
  Nick: And I think a lot of women if we really and maybe give your thoughts and input on this.
• 7:39
  Nick: But I mean, if, let's say, you and I were just never making love, right, how do you think our marriage would be different?
• 7:50
  Amy: And maybe I'm putting on the spot a little bit, but I can answer that very easily.
• 7:53
  Amy: You would disconnect emotionally, you would not be romantic and you would stop doing the things that you did that helped us to fall in love.
• 8:04
  Amy: And then I would pull away because I'd be like he's not being romantic, he's not emotionally connected, and I would probably do the same thing.
• 8:14
  Amy: And then that disconnect gets bigger and bigger.
• 8:16
  Amy: That game that we always talk about.
• 8:17
  Amy: Yeah, correct, yeah for sure, because it's really important for somebody in the marriage to crave that sexual intimacy.
• 8:25
  Amy: And you heard like 30%.
• 8:28
  Amy: I don't know what it is like worldwide or like the whole scheme of people and couples, but like just from the polls we've taken, it was like 30% of women that had a higher drive.
• 8:39
  Amy: So in those marriages, in those marriages, those women are feeling the same.
• 8:49
  Amy: They're needing that sexual connection right.
• 8:52
  Amy: They're needing those things to be happening because that's so big on their mind too.
• 8:57
  Amy: So it can go both ways.
• 8:59
  Nick: And you're right, and they're feeling like the same way that husbands typically feel right.
• 9:04
  Amy: Absolutely so.
• 9:05
  Amy: They're not being desired.
• 9:06
  Nick: Yeah, I'm not being desired.
• 9:08
  Nick: I really this is something I really need.
• 9:09
  Nick: I need it to connect, I need to feel loved.
• 9:11
  Nick: So you're exactly right, I mean it's just.
• 9:14
  Nick: I think that's something that's built into us, whether we're men or women, to want to have that connection.
• 9:21
  Nick: And obviously, like Amy said, there's a lot of things that can throw it off, especially for women maybe low libido or stress or menopause or just a lot of other things that could be going on, or just the fact that most women are low-desire spouses right or just a flat-out disconnect in the marriage.
• 9:44
  Amy: It could be just a flat-out disconnected.
• 9:46
  Amy: Most marriages, I think, are just a flat-out disconnect, like maybe not in our marriage because you're really we're both really good at keeping the emotional intimacy strong, but in a lot of marriages that's not the case.
• 9:58
  Amy: We hear from a lot of couples, like a lot of couples don't have the tools to reconnect after arguments or not even start the arguments or respect, or there's addictions going.
• 10:09
  Amy: There's just a lot of crap that couples are dealing with and that disconnect can happen very quickly.
• 10:13
  Amy: And when you're disconnected from each other, sex is the first thing to go.
• 10:17
  Nick: Yeah for sure.
• 10:18
  Nick: Well, so for the women out there that think sex is just for a man, a lot of these women probably don't know their body.
• 10:23
  Nick: They probably don't understand the clitoris.
• 10:25
  Nick: They maybe some of them have never had an orgasm or things like that.
• 10:29
  Nick: Get on the app.
• 10:30
  Nick: There's things that you can do to learn about your body, to understand how your body works, because your body does have something that is only designed for that physical pleasure, right.
• 10:43
  Amy: Right.
• 10:43
  Amy: And if the physical yeah, I mean we've talked a lot about getting a toy or we like to call them aids to help with the stimulation in the arousal If you're not feeling like it's physical to you.
• 10:55
  Amy: We've also talked about, I mean, if you know the journey we're going on, my Lobitos tanked and when I did a video on that, I got so many comments like go get your hormones checked, go get your hormones checked, Go get the testosterone levels checked.
• 11:08
  Amy: And I've had so many people comment and saying that will change everything for you.
• 11:13
  Amy: Like that literally will change, and so we're in the process of doing that.
• 11:16
  Amy: So whatever is keeping you women or men from actually craving the sexual intimacy?
• 11:24
  Amy: Admit it.
• 11:25
  Amy: Don't just say I don't want it anymore, I don't care about it, it's not important for my marriage.
• 11:29
  Amy: I absolutely admit it's important for our marriage and because I'm not craving it, I'm trying to figure out OK, how can I fix that, because I used to.
• 11:38
  Amy: If you had a really strong, passionate sexual intimacy when you first got married and it's died down, something is in the way of that, something is in, if you've ever had that in your marriage.
• 11:52
  Amy: That's where it should be right.
• 11:54
  Amy: That's where it should be.
• 11:55
  Amy: We need to get that back.
• 11:56
  Amy: So, whatever is keeping you from having that, that's what needs to be worked on, and that can be, like we just said, a million different things.
• 12:04
  Nick: Yeah, yeah, you're exactly right.
• 12:05
  Nick: One of the other reasons why women feel like their husbands only desire them for sex is they've expressed that all affection, all the affection they get, is just when their husband wants sex.
• 12:21
  Nick: Or in other words, their husband only seems to be affectionate and romantic when he wants sex.
• 12:27
  Nick: And I mean honestly, amy, and I talk about this all the time, right.
• 12:32
  Amy: Absolutely.
• 12:34
  Nick: So she jokes around with me all the time.
• 12:35
  Nick: She's like, oh, it must be day three or day four.
• 12:38
  Intro: You're all over me.
• 12:42
  Amy: But I understand that that's natural and you have to look back and women like OK, give your husbands a little bit of slack here.
• 12:50
  Amy: Your body is totally created differently and it's like a buildup for you.
• 12:57
  Amy: Right, it's literally physical.
• 12:59
  Amy: I don't have that physical buildup.
• 13:01
  Amy: I'm totally different than you.
• 13:03
  Amy: So I have to look back and be like OK, I get it that your body is kind of telling you to be more romantic or a little more physical contact or whatever.
• 13:14
  Amy: That's just kind of how you work.
• 13:17
  Amy: So when I have an issue with that, I need to be like hey, this is how I feel about this.
• 13:22
  Amy: Maybe could you talk Like could you maybe step it up with doing these things on day one or two, right after we've made love, and talk about that and express that to him and tell him what to do.
• 13:37
  Amy: Like, what does that mean to you?
• 13:38
  Amy: I'm not a huge physical touch person.
• 13:40
  Amy: I don't need him all over me on day one.
• 13:42
  Amy: I just don't need that.
• 13:43
  Amy: I don't even need it on day three or four.
• 13:44
  Amy: I'm just like just tell me what I'm like love.
• 13:46
  Amy: But a lot of women they want that, to feel equal, because when you're all over and grabbing them and touching them, it's actually a huge turn off when you haven't done that for a few days, like, oh, now you just want something Like that's an intimacy killer for women.
• 14:01
  Nick: It really is.
• 14:02
  Nick: That's how a lot of women are feeling.
• 14:05
  Amy: Now.
• 14:05
  Nick: I'm going to defend the men a little bit.
• 14:07
  Amy: I thought I just did.
• 14:08
  Nick: Well, I know you kind of did as well and yeah, I mean you explained like you're not a physical touch person and I know that.
• 14:16
  Amy: So but I love it when we hold hands.
• 14:18
  Amy: When we walk at night, we hold hands Like I don't need you all over me.
• 14:22
  Nick: Yeah.
• 14:23
  Amy: But I do want just as much.
• 14:25
  Amy: I just maybe not as much, but I do want that non-sexual touch the other days too.
• 14:31
  Amy: I don't need a ton, but yeah, like, and husbands need that too.
• 14:34
  Amy: It's not like, oh, wives need the touch and the husbands just don't.
• 14:37
  Amy: This needs to be mutual in the marriage, both people and see, that's why we keep like I don't like it when we separate them too much, because we're actually a lot more like all of us couples.
• 14:47
  Amy: We're a lot more alike than we think we are Like.
• 14:49
  Amy: Most husbands want the physical touch and most wives are saying in our answers right here in front of us they're wanting physical touch more often too.
• 14:58
  Amy: Just not on.
• 14:59
  Amy: They want it more than just the days that they're going to make love, right.
• 15:03
  Nick: So I think here's probably what most husbands are thinking out there, and I'm going to say it out loud, and maybe I'm wrong.
• 15:09
  Nick: But if most wives are feeling like, oh, my husband only touches me when he wants something, if a husband starts doing that every day, the wife immediately thinks like, oh, I just made love to you last night.
• 15:23
  Amy: Like why, are you?
• 15:24
  Nick: touching me again, and that happens whether you want to agree with it or not.
• 15:28
  Nick: So most husbands step back and say, ok, I'm going to give my wife the space they need.
• 15:35
  Nick: She doesn't want me to touch her.
• 15:37
  Amy: I mean, it's kind of like that takes communication, though I know it does.
• 15:40
  Nick: But it's kind of like sometimes they want it both ways, right, they want to be touched, but they don't want to be touched.
• 15:46
  Nick: And so I know a lot of men are shaking their heads and saying, yeah, I totally agree.
• 15:51
  Nick: And because that's how sometimes I feel, right, like I get it.
• 15:54
  Intro: I get it.
• 15:56
  Nick: You know, if I'm like, oh, I got to be a little bit careful, because then it's going to come across as, oh, I just want sex or something, right, and so, anyways, there's that balance and it's something you need to communicate.
• 16:10
  Amy: OK.
• 16:10
  Amy: So if I was to fix the situation or like, try to tell you how to fix a situation, I would say, sit down and look at your husband and say I appreciate it when you still touch me and this can go both ways Could be the high-desire spouse Like, just no, I'm just using husband, for example.
• 16:32
  Amy: I appreciate it when you don't just touch me on the days that you want something.
• 16:39
  Amy: I appreciate when you show me that same touch and affection on the other days that we're not going to make love.
• 16:46
  Amy: I don't need too much, but this is what I need from you.
• 16:50
  Amy: I would like it if you would A, b, c and D, so that A, b, c, d, that's a lot.
• 16:57
  Amy: Ok, a and B, let's keep it simple.
• 16:59
  Amy: I would love it when you hold hands with me, like when we go on a walk or like when we're driving in the car, and I would also like it if you could do a good job at giving me a kiss or a hug when you say goodbye A few times a day, like that would mean a lot to me.
• 17:16
  Amy: So the husband would you know, that's where the conversation starts.
• 17:19
  Amy: Yeah, yeah, like I can see where I lack in those couple things and I can do better at A, b, c, whatever, whatever those is.
• 17:27
  Amy: And then let your husband or your wife say OK, this is how I feel about the situation.
• 17:34
  Amy: How can I do better?
• 17:35
  Amy: Because this is a two-way street right.
• 17:37
  Amy: This isn't about one person's needs.
• 17:39
  Nick: For sure.
• 17:39
  Nick: Oh, it's absolutely true.
• 17:40
  Amy: So like with Nick where I'm like I am not a big physical touch person, I don't need a lot.
• 17:46
  Amy: I don't need you all over me all the days, but maybe just do a little bit better at this on these days, and I will try to do better at this on those days.
• 17:57
  Amy: I mean, that's what marriage takes right For sure Communication.
• 18:01
  Nick: And going back to the husbands I think a lot of husbands, so they're afraid to give that physical touch, right.
• 18:09
  Nick: But then if a wife is like, oh, I'm enjoying this physical touch, and then a wife reciprocates, all of a sudden a man thinks, oh, that's her way of initiating, right?
• 18:20
  Nick: True, that's totally true.
• 18:22
  Nick: True, because if Amy just does something out of the blue, like, let's say, she does something out of the blue like I'm not expecting, a lot of times I'll take that as like, oh, she's initiating, because that never happens.
• 18:36
  Nick: So the fact that that happens she must be like wanting to initiate or something.
• 18:42
  Amy: But that's where your personal relationship communication comes in.
• 18:48
  Amy: So in our marriage I can rub Nick's back or I can hold his hand, like those kind of simple things that I try to do often for him and for me doesn't mean, oh, I want to go make love to you, right, doesn't?
• 19:05
  Amy: Mean like I try to do better, like a church, to rub his back or do little things like that.
• 19:09
  Amy: That you know.
• 19:10
  Amy: But if I come up to Nick and start rubbing him from behind, like rubbing his chest, and he's like, he's the first thing he's going to say is is this your way of initiating?
• 19:19
  Amy: Absolutely.
• 19:19
  Amy: Are you going for real.
• 19:21
  Amy: So that's just.
• 19:22
  Amy: I think this, really this whole entire topic about non-sexual touch, really comes down to expectations.
• 19:30
  Amy: Don't you think that's the key word?
• 19:32
  Nick: Yeah, and I think a lot of it comes down to like a lot of times a husband just doesn't know how to act or what to do, like I mean, a lot of times they're just scared, they don't really know what their wife needs.
• 19:45
  Nick: So, again, like you said, having that great communication, if you just talk about things, it's probably going to drop that from 62% to 10%.
• 19:54
  Nick: Right, if you're communicating and understanding how each other feels.
• 19:58
  Amy: But this isn't all work on the husband.
• 20:00
  Amy: This is 50% work on the wife.
• 20:02
  Amy: No, for sure I just want to say to the wife it's like you can't expect your husband to know what you need on day one, day two, day three.
• 20:13
  Amy: You know what we're talking about.
• 20:14
  Amy: You can't expect him to read your mind again and know what you need or don't need on those certain days.
• 20:24
  Amy: And if you're feeling disconnected and you're having that attitude like this is for him or sexual intimacy is for him, you are responsible of fixing that problem, not him.
• 20:35
  Amy: If you're missing emotional connection, if you have needs that are not being met, if the non-sexual touch on off days is bugging any of those expectations, if you have any expectations that aren't or needs that aren't getting met, you are in charge of that.
• 20:52
  Nick: That's right.
• 20:52
  Amy: You have got to communicate with your husband about that yeah.
• 20:55
  Nick: it's not fair to hold it in and hold something against him or hold something against her if you're not going to communicate.
• 21:01
  Amy: Like I literally told Nick on, say, it's day three or four since we've made love, and I can tell that he's in the mood.
• 21:09
  Amy: I can just tell because I know Nick.
• 21:10
  Nick: How can you tell?
• 21:11
  Amy: Oh, it's very obvious.
• 21:12
  Nick: No, tell the audience how you can tell.
• 21:15
  Amy: How can I tell, like for real, you want me to talk to them?
• 21:18
  Amy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 21:20
  Nick: Yeah, this is an open podcast.
• 21:22
  Nick: Yeah, keep it PG, PG13.
• 21:26
  Amy: But yeah, because there's going to be a lot of other women out there that are going to be totally laughing.
• 21:30
  Amy: You definitely get more touchy.
• 21:31
  Amy: Like definitely get me more touchy.
• 21:34
  Amy: You will usually hand me initiating card or something that shows that.
• 21:40
  Amy: Or you will just like start making comments like crazy that day.
• 21:43
  Amy: Is that your way of initiating?
• 21:44
  Amy: No, I just looked at you.
• 21:46
  Amy: Oh, I thought you were initiating Like silly comments, like that.
• 21:49
  Amy: You know it.
• 21:50
  Amy: You're smiling.
• 21:50
  Amy: Oh, totally smiling you will.
• 21:54
  Nick: I'm totally smiling.
• 21:55
  Amy: If it's like day five, which we hardly ever get to in our marriage all Amy has to do is you actually kind of close down and like kind of sulk to yourself a little bit.
• 22:03
  Amy: I'm like, oh Nick's getting a little moody.
• 22:07
  Nick: Yeah, no, absolutely.
• 22:09
  Amy: I'm smiling because I totally and that's totally normal, I think, because I've asked a lot of wives like the same situation and they're like you're all the same Because, as a man you're just like please, god, please, let my wife initiate, just let her come Tell me she wants to make blood to me tonight.
• 22:29
  Amy: And oh, another sign because you asked, you asked for this I did.
• 22:34
  Nick: They throw it at me.
• 22:36
  Amy: He'll make a con.
• 22:37
  Amy: Well, I already said, make a comment, like it's usually like, make a movie night tonight or want to climb in bed early, but this is like your biggest sign, kids, you have to be asleep by 9 PM tonight.
• 22:48
  Amy: I want you in your bed at 9 PM tonight and I'm like, oh, that's why.
• 22:52
  Amy: What day is it?
• 22:57
  Nick: I got to be more mindful of that, which gets us into the next part, which is why your wife feels like you just want to have sex with her, is all Is.
• 23:10
  Nick: The wives have said that husband doesn't pay attention to what is going on.
• 23:15
  Nick: They're just oblivious, they're just watching TV.
• 23:19
  Amy: No, man, don't do that.
• 23:21
  Nick: I know we really don't very often, but this includes maybe the kids or the household Coming into the house and the house is a mess and just being oblivious and not helping at all and then expecting to be intimate and I hate using that phrase because I don't ever think the word helping out should be used in marriage.
• 23:41
  Nick: No, it should be, because it's both of your jobs.
• 23:43
  Nick: Yeah, it's not a wife's responsibility, exactly, it's just like if something needs to be done around the house, like do it.
• 23:49
  Nick: You both just do it right.
• 23:50
  Nick: You, just you are.
• 23:54
  Nick: You're going to say something.
• 23:55
  Nick: I can see the smile, Really, yeah, what were you going to say?
• 24:01
  Amy: I just think that I don't get bugged super easy.
• 24:04
  Amy: But the thing that does bug me is when women say I wish my husband would help me out with putting the kids to bed, or help me out with cleaning up with dinner, or help me out cleaning up the house before bedtime, just help me out.
• 24:20
  Amy: Those words really bug me.
• 24:22
  Nick: Yeah, it shouldn't be.
• 24:22
  Nick: Help me out, it should be like he should do it.
• 24:25
  Amy: It's just both of your responsibility.
• 24:27
  Amy: It's not your job for him to help you it's not your job.
• 24:31
  Amy: There's no helping here.
• 24:32
  Amy: It's helping each other.
• 24:34
  Amy: He's helping you and you're helping him.
• 24:38
  Nick: Maybe change the wording.
• 24:40
  Amy: You're helping him put the kids to bed.
• 24:42
  Nick: And we understand there are roles that typically men do and women do.
• 24:45
  Nick: We totally get it, but have that communication and work together as a team.
• 24:50
  Nick: It's not like, oh, she has to do this, but for a lot of women.
• 24:54
  Amy: They can't get in the mindset of sex when they have, like we talk about 1,000 things on their mind.
• 25:00
  Amy: Absolutely, and a lot of women do want the house tidied up and make sure the kids are all the way in bed, and they might need a little time to relax, like men do too and so I don't want to say I'm bugged by when that's said.
• 25:13
  Amy: But the other thing is I'm bugged by the fact that people aren't literally doing those things together to create more intimate time, like if you want to be intimate together, if you want to have a romantic evening where you have quality time and that undistracted time.
• 25:31
  Nick: Work together to get things done.
• 25:33
  Amy: That gives you more time when you just conquer everything get the kids to bed, clean the house really quick, make it fun, flirt with each other during that time.
• 25:41
  Amy: Like you know, that's.
• 25:42
  Amy: Absolutely, I don't know, I think more women in this poll probably wanted to say I wish that we could just do things as a team, and then I would want to be more intimate.
• 25:55
  Nick: Absolutely.
• 25:55
  Nick: The next thing that the respondents said is they want to feel more appreciated.
• 26:04
  Nick: They want their husbands to feel grateful.
• 26:07
  Nick: They want their husbands to express how much they love them I guess just you know, verbally, letting their spouses know how much they appreciate things.
• 26:19
  Amy: And this would go 100% both ways, Because husbands, when we take their poll, appreciation is like one of their top things.
• 26:27
  Amy: This is also completely mutual right.
• 26:31
  Nick: Oh, absolutely yeah, and it's so easy.
• 26:34
  Nick: I mean, think of how easy it is to just say thank you so much for everything you do for me.
• 26:39
  Amy: Like I went somewhere the other night and I left a mess because I had made dinner and I got home and I walked in and Nick had cleaned up the kitchen.
• 26:48
  Nick: And.
• 26:49
  Amy: I could have said, well, that was his job, because I made dinner, he should clean up, which, yeah, I do feel like if someone makes dinner, the other person can clean up.
• 26:57
  Amy: I obviously agree with that.
• 26:58
  Amy: But I could have just said, well, that was your job, and not said anything.
• 27:01
  Amy: And I walked in and I said thank you for cleaning up.
• 27:03
  Amy: That was really nice Now.
• 27:04
  Amy: I can literally just walk into the bedroom and not have to touch the kitchen or anything.
• 27:08
  Amy: And so it's just those little reminders like just say thank you.
• 27:12
  Nick: What she doesn't know is I hired a cleaning crew, but still.
• 27:16
  Intro: Our kids.
• 27:17
  Nick: I'm just teasing her, our kids, yeah, it doesn't matter how you get it done, just get it done.
• 27:21
  Nick: But no, and that meant so much to like, oh, she noticed right.
• 27:24
  Nick: Like not that I really needed that.
• 27:26
  Nick: But when you express gratitude toward each other, you're going to look at life from a more positive outlook versus when you aren't appreciative.
• 27:39
  Nick: People that express gratitude are much happier people, look at life in a totally different way, usually a positive way, versus people that don't express gratitude.
• 27:52
  Nick: I mean, I know I've mentioned this before and I don't mean to get off track, but you go to dinner, right, and let's say you're serving someone at dinner and you're a waiter or whatever, you can tell how much happier the people that are very grateful and always saying thank you and things like that are typically very happy people.
• 28:14
  Nick: The people that have those expectations and feel like they don't need to express gratitude or be grateful are usually the ones that are demanding and hon-ry and have Expect it, expect it and have problems.
• 28:28
  Nick: You can just tell they're not happy people, point I'm trying to get at just express gratitude, be grateful, tell them how much you love them or how much you appreciate them, and that'll change a lot of the dynamics in the marriage as well.
• 28:40
  Amy: Well, I think what women were trying to express in this is that and I've been a stay-at-home wife before, like just full-time when the kids were young and I think that a lot of women feel unappreciated because a lot of things go unnoticed.
• 28:57
  Amy: I don't think husbands have a clue how much women really do.
• 29:01
  Nick: You would probably agree with that right, I agree, yeah, totally.
• 29:04
  Amy: Like when I'm stressed out and I'm like Nick, this is what I had to deal with today that you had no idea about, with the kid's schedules, calendars, just all their stuff, their emotional stuff, just the household stuff.
• 29:16
  Amy: There's just a lot that unless you switch roles, you probably have no clue.
• 29:21
  Amy: And vice versa.
• 29:22
  Amy: Like I look sometimes at the list that Nick tries to pull off in a day with our business or whatever, and I'm like that's amazing because I have been doing my own stuff and I appreciate you doing your half, and so like, sometimes the only way for that person to really be understood is to swap roles once in a while and if you feel like you need to do a day of that, that's okay.
• 29:44
  Amy: In marriage that's actually really healthy.
• 29:46
  Nick: Tell your husband, say, all right, you be the mom for the day.
• 29:48
  Nick: See what happens.
• 29:50
  Amy: But give him a list of like hey, I need you to call the doctor and this dentist appointment.
• 29:53
  Amy: I need you to write one of these here and so and so's birthday party is coming up in a couple days.
• 29:57
  Amy: I need a present and I mean there's just a lot of things, and so, when you list those out, if you're feeling like that and just be like you know, just this is what I accomplished, I would really appreciate if you noticed and maybe just commented once in a while on how much I do and vice versa.
• 30:15
  Amy: Like, I just think both people, both spouses, feel the exact way with this Just more appreciation, like you said.
• 30:23
  Nick: So you had something that on the list that said women need to do a better at taking compliments.
• 30:28
  Nick: What do you mean by that?
• 30:30
  Amy: Okay, so I can't remember what the exact, I don't wanna look it up right now, but one of the poll answers said that I compliment my wife and she never like takes the compliment, and I think that kind of can go along with this, don't you?
• 30:49
  Nick: Oh, for sure.
• 30:50
  Amy: Cause I'm super guilty of that, Like Nick's.
• 30:51
  Amy: Like hey, you look so beautiful today.
• 30:56
  Nick: Always.
• 30:56
  Nick: You always look so beautiful, not just today.
• 30:59
  Amy: I'm not always super good at being like thank you so much.
• 31:01
  Amy: That was really nice of you to say, or I really appreciate that.
• 31:04
  Amy: I think we can both do a better job.
• 31:06
  Amy: It's easier.
• 31:07
  Amy: I think a lot of wives or like husbands, probably stop complimenting cause the wives are like no, I don't, or we'll look at this, or look at this issue.
• 31:16
  Nick: You don't have your contacts in or.
• 31:19
  Amy: We have to be better, both of us at like taking the compliments, appreciating the compliments and giving them back.
• 31:26
  Nick: Yeah.
• 31:27
  Amy: That's big in marriage too.
• 31:28
  Amy: Yeah, I don't know if that really went with the podcast episode, but I think the whole entire point is just feeling more loved, right and more appreciated.
• 31:36
  Nick: Well, yeah, I mean, the whole point of this is why women feel like their husbands just want them for sexual intimacy.
• 31:43
  Nick: And so the things that we talked about today, if you can have those discussions, husbands, if you're listening, if you can do a better job, I guess, so to speak, at you know, paying compliments and helping out or, like Amy said, not necessarily like just doing what you're supposed to do and being aware of what is going on with the kids, what, what your wife's dealing with, what she's handling.
• 32:09
  Nick: Also, women, you know, have your mindset about sex, like being taught that sex is only for men and that it's just good for men, and or that sex is a bad thing.
• 32:18
  Nick: We didn't, we didn't really hit on that, but we've also had some responses talking about how a lot of women feel like sex is is a bad thing.
• 32:25
  Nick: They've been raised to where they believe that sex is bad.
• 32:29
  Nick: And obviously, if you think sex is bad, you're gonna think, well, something I don't wanna do, and if you have a spouse that wants to do it, it's gonna feel like they want it, you don't.
• 32:39
  Nick: I mean, it's gonna create those feelings again.
• 32:41
  Nick: And so, you know, really try to figure out what's going on and what's causing you to feel the way that you're feeling.
• 32:48
  Nick: Have those discussions together and find that deeper connection.
• 32:54
  Intro: Beautiful.
• 32:55
  Nick: Beautiful lots.
• 32:56
  Amy: Beautiful, beautiful words.
• 32:59
  Nick: Anything, any final thoughts from.
• 33:02
  Amy: Well, I kind of feel like this podcast episode was pointed more at the mistakes that husbands are making and that's why women feel like this.
• 33:11
  Amy: But I think it's really important to realize that, like a lot of these comments that I was looking at from the women, I was like if you self-reflected a little bit, you would probably realize that some of this is your fault too.
• 33:25
  Amy: Like, I don't like to point fingers at couples and be like your wife feels like this.
• 33:31
  Amy: Your wife feels like this.
• 33:32
  Amy: Like sometimes the wife need to step back and be like what am I doing that I can do better at?
• 33:36
  Amy: If you're feeling certain way, it might be partially your fault and I know that's hard to hear.
• 33:41
  Nick: No, I think that's really good.
• 33:42
  Nick: I think that's hard to hear sometimes.
• 33:44
  Amy: But we're so good at pointing fingers on our marriages that sometimes we need to point that finger the other direction.
• 33:50
  Amy: If you're not feeling appreciated, if you're having expectations, if you're not, if you feel like you're doing everything and it's ruining your I mean, just a lot of these things we talked about need to be self-evaluated.
• 34:02
  Amy: Why are you feeling like that?
• 34:04
  Amy: Why do you not like sex?
• 34:05
  Amy: Why do you feel like your husband?
• 34:08
  Amy: I mean, you've got to internalize a little bit, figure out what can I do better and what conversations can I be having with my husband to help him feel better.
• 34:17
  Amy: Because what I have learned in all of these years of helping marriages and doing this podcast and talking to all these couples is that it really comes down to sometimes half of it being our own fault, Right, I think what you're saying is so true.
• 34:33
  Nick: We are responsible for how we feel.
• 34:36
  Nick: We are responsible for our feelings, and it's so easy to say, well, I feel this way.
• 34:42
  Nick: Therefore, someone else must have caused me to feel this way, instead of taking accountability and saying why do I feel this way?
• 34:48
  Nick: Why am I thinking this?
• 34:50
  Nick: And I think you're exactly right, you know, take a look inside and say, ok, why am I feeling like this?
• 34:57
  Nick: Is it truly, am I truly feeling this way because of things that my spouse is doing, or am I truly feeling this way because of things that have happened in my life, my upbringing?
• 35:09
  Amy: And I need to get help with or deal with.
• 35:11
  Amy: Yeah exactly Well, and I was going to say part of that.
• 35:15
  Amy: After all this time.
• 35:16
  Amy: Also, I have realized that and this is my I might get in trouble for saying this this is just my personal opinion I do think women are a little more complicated and I do think men are a little more simpler to please.
• 35:30
  Amy: I'm just going to say it, how, how I feel.
• 35:33
  Amy: I feel like emotions are on high with women.
• 35:36
  Amy: I feel like we're and I'm not saying it's not because, yes, we're going through PMS and all that kind of crap that we deal with I think we have a lot on our shoulders.
• 35:46
  Amy: But I think for the majority of couples, a man or a husband is pretty simple to please and if they're not doing something that you either expect or need to talk to them about, I think that most husbands I'm talking about like good, respectful husbands that want a happy marriage, that are committed, want to be that good husband.
• 36:10
  Amy: I think they truly desire to be that good husband.
• 36:12
  Amy: I think the ones that sexually want to like, connect with you and are willing to put in that emotional energy and all those little things that you feel like you might need as a wife, they just need to be told.
• 36:23
  Amy: I really think you're simple.
• 36:25
  Amy: I think that you, most husbands I think most husbands are really good men that just need to be told hey, I would appreciate if you did that, I would appreciate if you did this or if you did this, and they would probably be jumping up and down to be like I would love to do that for you or I'm sorry, you feel like that way.
• 36:41
  Amy: How can I do better at showing I really?
• 36:43
  Amy: I'm siding with the husbands just right now saying that I think a good conversation around this subject is a pretty good solution for this, because most husbands will jump at making sure their wife is loved.
• 37:00
  Intro: Lovingly.
• 37:01
  Amy: I think you're right.
• 37:02
  Amy: Did I say that right I?
• 37:03
  Nick: think you're spot on, because I think most men like you really do.
• 37:06
  Nick: Just tell them how you're feeling or tell them what you need, and they will jump all over it and say, yeah, absolutely.
• 37:12
  Nick: And sometimes we need to be reminded over and over again I mean, if it's if something said and two years go by and we kind of run into the same thing like it's okay to remind us what we need to do.
• 37:25
  Nick: That is okay because we do truly want to make you happy.
• 37:31
  Amy: But I do think that, women, if you have some issues getting in the way of sexual intimacy, most husbands feel loved through sexual intimacy.
• 37:41
  Amy: This is why we took this poll and I think a lot of women 62% said they're only used for sexual intimacy.
• 37:46
  Amy: That just shows you right here how important sexual intimacy is to a lot of men.
• 37:53
  Amy: Right, that's, there's a disconnect that's making you feel this way, but it's showing you that this is really really important in marriage and it's a really important to men.
• 38:04
  Amy: So to find this barrier, this breakdown of why you're feeling that, and to fix the solution so that sexual intimacy can be a big part of your marriage, is very important.
• 38:14
  Nick: Yeah, and I'll just end saying this, that and this goes both ways.
• 38:17
  Nick: If something is important to your husband or something is important to your wife, then it should be important to you also.
• 38:23
  Nick: And, as we've said before, we did a podcast on how the low desire spouse or which is oftentimes women how they have complete control and say so over sexual intimacy it's well, if I'm not in the mood, we're not going to do it and they disregard how their spouse, whether a husband or wife, feels about that because they have the low desire.
• 38:45
  Nick: Therefore, they control that in the relationship.
• 38:47
  Nick: Again, I get back to it If you truly want to have a happy marriage, you, if something is important to your spouse, it should be important to you and vice versa, and that's where that communication is just so important to talk about those things and find a balance that works for both of you.
• 39:03
  Nick: So hopefully you enjoyed the podcast and hopefully these are discussions you can have to you know better.
• 39:10
  Nick: Find that ultimate intimacy in your relationship you're looking for.
• 39:15
  Amy: And we have a new product.
• 39:18
  Nick: Oh, yes, we do.
• 39:20
  Amy: I designed it for either spouse, but specifically for the ones who have a hard time initiating, like me, just going to admit it this is going to make it easier, funner and help you remember, I think to initiate more in your marriage.
• 39:39
  Amy: So we have just added to our shop our brand new initiating I'm initiating and make love to me scratch cards that are super fun.
• 39:48
  Amy: The card you can give your spouse, leave it under their pillow, leave it anywhere, comes with an envelope and, yeah, they are awesome, find those at shopultimateintimacycom.
• 40:00
  Nick: Shopultimateintimacycom If you didn't hear me, shopultimateintimacycom, and you can find them at shopultimateintimacycom.
• 40:08
  Amy: I think that they didn't hear that in there.
• 40:11
  Nick: Yeah for that, it's awesome.
• 40:14
  Amy: We just really appreciate you supporting our shop.
• 40:16
  Amy: That's what keeps our podcast going and alive.
• 40:19
  Amy: We really appreciate all your support and if you want to make initiating a little bit simpler, we hope you check them out.
• 40:28
  Nick: Spit and Facts.
• 40:28
  Nick: That's true, we don't make anything off our podcast.
• 40:31
  Nick: We do this because we truly love helping people and so, yeah, if you feel like you want to support us, like I said, we have great products.
• 40:39
  Nick: We are truly doing this because we want to help marriages and we love doing that.
• 40:44
  Nick: So until next time, we hope each of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.