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Mental Mondays With Black Girl Interrupted Podcast · Black Girl Interrupted Podcast

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Another man. What's up? What's up? What's up? Everybody, y'all,
• 0:43
  Welcome back to another episode of Black Girl Interrupted. Y'all
• 0:47
  already know who it is. It's your girl, Ash. Bring
• 0:50
  y'all another weekly mental health check in. Man, let me
• 0:54
  tell y'all, these mental health check ins are imperative and
• 0:58
  and this is and and the more I do these,
• 1:02
  the more comfortable that I get being very transparent, being
• 1:05
  very vulnerable, you know, letting you guys know what it
• 1:09
  looks like when I struggle. You know. Let me back
• 1:13
  up and let me say this. It's getting easier for
• 1:16
  me every day, every week to do these mental health
• 1:19
  checkings simply because I know we're struggling mentally. I know
• 1:24
  in our community we don't talk about that. So it's
• 1:28
  up to me, up to us to start putting these
• 1:32
  these conversations on a full front, because there are people
• 1:35
  that are really out here struggling. I just want to say,
• 1:38
  I love y'all. Thank y'all so much for tuning in
• 1:40
  with me each and every week and supporting me and
• 1:43
  the loving on me and encouraging me and letting me
• 1:46
  know that what I'm saying to was helping somebody along
• 1:50
  the way, And that's the whole point of why I
• 1:52
  do these mental health checkings, not only just to share
• 1:55
  my mental health struggles, but to encourage, uplift and empower
• 1:59
  someone that could be struggling themselves, someone that may be
• 2:02
  afraid to talk about their struggles because a lot of
• 2:06
  times people don't want, They really don't care what you're
• 2:09
  going through. A lot of people don't care. But let
• 2:12
  me say this, I'm one of the ones. I do
• 2:14
  care because when I was going through my mental health
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  struggles and I still do, I didn't have this this
• 2:22
  circle the circumference of people. So it's imperative that we
• 2:26
  start opening conversations, we start creating safe spaces for people
• 2:30
  to come in and talk because it's rough. It's rough
• 2:32
  out here. But anyway, anyone that is new to Black
• 2:35
  Girl Interrupted podcast, I stream on all streaming platforms. You
• 2:40
  can catch Black Girl Interrupted on every platform that's available.
• 2:43
  I do live stream on Facebook, YouTube as well as TikTok.
• 2:48
  So I just want to say I love y'all so much.
• 2:52
  I hope everyone is having a beautiful week. I know what,
• 2:54
  it's just Monday, but I'm praying for y'all. Anyone that
• 2:59
  is sitting write down. Anybody that is struggling, just know
• 3:03
  that I love you, and I'm rooting for you, and
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  I'm praying for you, and I see you. I don't
• 3:07
  want you to ever feel like you by yourself and
• 3:09
  your struggles because I'm here to walk along with you.
• 3:12
  Let me let y'all knowice tonight. I'm not crying tonight.
• 3:14
  Y'all not gonna have me up here crying on this
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  platform tonight, because y'all know I'm the biggest cry baby ever.
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  But I do want to let y'all know that I
• 3:21
  love y'all, I'm praying for you, I'm rooting for y'all.
• 3:25
  Everyone that is on TikTok Live, y'all, don't forget to
• 3:28
  double tap the spring share the live. We are doing
• 3:30
  our mental health check in. We are doing We do
• 3:33
  this every week, every Monday, we do our mental health
• 3:36
  check ins. I need to know how you're feeling. I
• 3:38
  need to know how you're doing. I want to know
• 3:40
  I genuinely care about your mental health. I want you
• 3:44
  to know that you don't have to sit by yourself.
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  You don't have to struggle alone. We can overcome these
• 3:49
  obstacles together. I also, I will be providing resources because
• 3:55
  I know that is an issue in our community. It's
• 3:58
  a lack of resources when it comes to mental health.
• 4:01
  So before I get started, everyone that knows, everybody that
• 4:04
  is watching on Facebook, y'all already know how I get down.
• 4:06
  Everybody that's on YouTube watching, y'all know I always do.
• 4:10
  I always play something motivational, inspirational, just to encourage somebody,
• 4:14
  just to let somebody know that they're not by themselves,
• 4:17
  to know that I'm rooting for you. I'm cheering for you,
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  and I love you, and I see you. You're not
• 4:22
  by yourself. I promise you. We not gonna go through
• 4:24
  this alone. I'm not gonna let you sit in the
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  dark no more. We're gonna sit together. We're gonna hold
• 4:28
  hands if you need me to cry with you, if
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  you need me just to listen to you. I will
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  clear the space. I will be that safe space for you.
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  And this is not only for women, but this is
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  for my men too, because I know my fellas. I
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  know y'all are struggling too. And I know when men
• 4:46
  try to be vocal with their feelings or their emotions,
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  I know they're called sasy. I know they're told, oh,
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  men are supposed to be strong. But we're gonna stop
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  that stigma right now because men have feelings to Men
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  hurt just like women do. A human So I want
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  men to be able to be vulnerable and to be
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  transparent without the judgment. So before I get started, y'all
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  already know what I do. Y'all, like I say, here
• 5:10
  we go, and we just gonna keep the ball rocking
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  and ruling. Life will knock you between the eyes.
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  Speaker 2: It will catch you on the blindside, come out of
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  nowhere stuff you can't anticipate. They will knock the win
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  out of you. You want to give up.
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  Speaker 1: It's going to be very challenging.
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  Speaker 2: Whenever you decide that you want to grow, whenever you
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  decide that you want to go to another level, all
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  hell will break loose.
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  Speaker 1: It's hard, it's not easy. It's hard changing your life.
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  Speaker 2: And here's what I want to say to you, for
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  those of you that have experienced some hardships, don't give
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  up on your dream in moments when you're going to
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  doubt yourself. There are rough times are gonna come, but
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  they have not come to stay. They have come to pass.
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  Speaker 3: We all go through problem.
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  Speaker 1: They don't have to overwhelm you.
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  Speaker 2: Though, problems don't have to take you out.
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  Speaker 3: Though problems will have to make your life miserable. Though
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  your problem is you go back and running your safety
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  net or can't do it. Hell, but you're gonna be
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  running to it for the rest of your life until
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  you get to a point where you look at life
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  and say you will not be needing.
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  Speaker 2: It's easy to complain.
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  Speaker 1: It's easy to point out your circumstances.
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  Speaker 3: It's easy to talk about what has happened to you.
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  Speaker 1: It's easy to talk about your situation, what you're going through.
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  Speaker 2: But if you do what is easy, your life will
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  be hard. But if you do what is hard, your
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  life will be easy. See, it's easy to be on
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  the bottom. It doesn't take any effort to be a loser,
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  doesn't take any motivation, any drive to stay down there
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  at a low level.
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  Speaker 1: But it calls on everything.
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  Speaker 2: In you, ladies and gentlemen. You have to honest your
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  will to say, I'm going to challenge myself Sometimes I
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  have to pull myself out of bed toy cars, lest
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  things I know I should do, I talk to things
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  I shouldn't do.
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  Speaker 1: I do.
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  Speaker 2: I found that the biggest enemy you.
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  Speaker 1: Have to deal with is yourselves.
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  Speaker 4: Your problem is some of you are phenomenally skilled, but
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  it is a phenomenal will that.
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  Speaker 2: Says every time I get knocked down, I will.
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  Speaker 4: Get back up and I will succeed.
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  Speaker 3: I will not surrender.
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  Speaker 4: You have something great in you.
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  Speaker 1: You can do it. Where you are is temporary.
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  Speaker 3: You will not be there for the rest of your life.
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  Speaker 4: Hit my last for a second, hit my last for
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  a minute, hit my last for an hour, hit my
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  last for a week, in my last for a day,
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  in my last for months. But sooner or later, if
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  you do not surrender, if you do not give up,
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  if you do not give in, it will some eyes.
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  Speaker 2: You've got to say yes, Yes to my dreams, Yes
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  to me.
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  Speaker 1: I can make it.
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  Speaker 2: Yes I can. Doesn't matter how many failures I've made.
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  Doesn't matter how many mistakes I've endured. Doesn't matter about
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  my defeat, doesn't matter about what I've done. I don't
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  care about the fact I'm in a hole now, doesn't
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  matter about where I am. Yes, Yes, the last chapter
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  to my life has not been written yet. If you
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  judge me now, you'll judge me prematurely. I haven't exposed
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  all my stuff yet. I'm still in the process of
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  transforming my life. I'm still in the process of becoming.
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  Speaker 4: Yes, you are graves, you are uneager, you are special,
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  you are talented, and you deserve to.
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  Speaker 1: Have everything you want. And stop listening to.
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  Speaker 4: The people who tell you you don't kill the noise?
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  Speaker 1: What do they know?
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  Speaker 5: Who are they?
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  Speaker 4: And when their things tells you to quit, you look
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  at it in his eye and say, I ain't going nowhere.
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  Speaker 2: I will break you before you break me.
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  Speaker 1: You will not defeat me, You will not destroy me.
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  Speaker 3: You've been through so much hell, you gonna quit now?
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  You don't quit now.
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  Speaker 1: It's the tenth rour.
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  Speaker 3: You got too more to go.
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  Speaker 4: And when you get to success, it's not about still.
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  When you get to a certain level.
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  Speaker 1: Of success, it's about standing up.
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  Speaker 4: It's about you won't ripe lee.
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  Speaker 3: You can't take me.
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  Speaker 1: I'm far too long, I'm far too hard.
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  Speaker 4: It's too late now. He should have broken me a
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  long time ago. I'm nothing breakable.
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  Speaker 1: Now you continued. I love you so much. Hey, Hey, hey, y'all,
• 10:00
  all right, so happened Monday? To everybody? We are starting
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  another week. We have another day above ground to do
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  something different. We have another chance to make write what
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  we didn't do yesterday. We have another chance to love
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  on somebody. We have another chance to make it right
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  with somebody. We need to be grateful for the blessings
• 10:29
  that God continues to bestow upon us. A lot of
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  us we take that for granted. But I want y'all
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  to know that I love y'all. I got my mind
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  up here, all right, all right, So as I was
• 10:45
  telling my beautiful babies over here on TikTok. So what
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  I'm gonna start doing every Monday when we do our
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  weekly mental health check ins, I'm gonna start giving y'all
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  averse of the week. I'm really trying not to get
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  emotional right now. Y'all know how y'all do me. Y'all
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  know when I'm very passionate about certain topics, I get
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  very emotional simply because I know we are struggling mentally.
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  I know there's not enough spaces for us to be
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  able to hold these conversations for fear of being judged.
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  M I said I was not gonna cry. I said
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  I was not, But I see so many people that
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  are struggling. I see so many people that are sitting
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  by themselves and they're afraid to talk and disclose what
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  they're going through because sometimes a listening air can become
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  a running mouth. And I don't mean that in a
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  good way. H I was. I was looking at a
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  friend's post on TikTok, and it choked me up because
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  this young lady, she's a beautiful, beautiful, young young woman
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  who says, I would rather be gone than to be here,
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  and the only reason I stay is for my children.
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  When I tell y'all, that was like a kangaroo punch
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  to the stomach because I remember saying those very same words.
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  Then I was only here for my children. But then
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  I had to realize I had to fight for me.
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  And if I don't fight for me, how can I
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  be here and fight for my children? You understand? So
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  I encourage anybody that is sitting in the dark. I
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  want you to know I see you, I understand you.
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  I know what it feels like to sit in the
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  dark and you feel like you don't have nobody. I
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  understand it, y'all. I have to put I keep my
• 13:09
  glasses on because y'all, my vision is a little blurry.
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  What I'm in front of this computer. Mann til for
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  so long, but I remember every time that I attempted,
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  You understand, I remember each and every time, and I
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  felt like the only reason I needed to be here
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  was for my babies. I didn't think about me. I
• 13:32
  didn't think about me. But if I don't fight for myself,
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  then I can't be here to fight for my babies.
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  You understand, Oh, Catina says, I've been there. Thank God
• 13:45
  for my doctor and therapist. We are never alone. Think amen,
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  And what I tell you, Between my doctor and my therapist,
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  I wouldn't be in the safe mental space that I
• 13:57
  am in to date. Let me tell y'all. This weekend
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  was the first time I had been out since my
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  attempt on June the second of twenty twenty five, and
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  my son invited me out. He said, you know, I
• 14:10
  want you to come in and let's go line dancing,
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  and I said, okay, well let's go. You know, I
• 14:15
  was like, yeah, yeah, you know, just being out. When
• 14:22
  I tell y'all, I was emotional when I pulled up
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  to the club that they were having the concert at,
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  because I said, can I really get out of this
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  car and do this? Because I'm so used to being
• 14:34
  in my house, you know. But I got out I
• 14:39
  wiped my face, I think, you know, freshen myself up.
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  And I went in and I was a little nervous.
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  I'm not gonna even lie to y'all. I was nervous
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  when I walked in, but I saw my son, so
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  I immediately walked over to my son, you know, gave
• 14:53
  him a hug. And it was like gentlemen standing next
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  to us. And a young man told my my son.
• 15:00
  He was like, man, I appreciate your mama. Why she's
• 15:02
  still here. And my son looked at me and my son,
• 15:06
  you know, he helped me grab my hand, and I
• 15:09
  thought something happened. You know, me, I didn't know, and
• 15:13
  he said, and a young man, you know, you know,
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  motion for me to you know, lean over. So I
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  listened and he said, man, he said, I told your son,
• 15:23
  love your mama while she's still here. He said, because
• 15:28
  I lost my mammy in twenty twenty. And I told him,
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  I said, you know, I lost my father in twenty
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  twenty one, so I know what it's like to sit
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  front room. And I looked at my son and my
• 15:41
  son looked at me, and it just let me say this,
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  I know my son is not watching because he's at work,
• 15:51
  but I want to say this to my son. Thank you.
• 15:56
  Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you
• 16:00
  for loving me past my flaws, my insecurities, my shortcomings. Y'all.
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  I get emotional when I talk about my babies, but
• 16:10
  I just want to say thank you to my son, JACOORDI.
• 16:12
  Thank you. Thank you for always being here for me.
• 16:15
  Thank you for loving on me. Thank you for encouraging me.
• 16:18
  Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you
• 16:20
  for standing in the rain with me, even though that
• 16:25
  was not your storm. You understand. My son stood with me,
• 16:32
  so I thank him for that. I think my son
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  for shuring me my work. I think my son for
• 16:39
  pointing out to me and saying, regardless of what you've done,
• 16:44
  I still love you, I still support you, I still
• 16:47
  encourage you, I still empower you. I still uplift you. Baby.
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  Let me tell you something. When I tell you that
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  young man, sh he is strong and he sticks with me.
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  He stays with me. Shout out to my circle of
• 17:08
  people that have stood with me. Thank you for the
• 17:13
  ones that keep showing up for me every day. Thank
• 17:17
  you for the ones that show up every week. Thank
• 17:21
  you for y'all loving on me. Thank y'all for encouraging me.
• 17:25
  Thank you for regardless of my past, you still love
• 17:32
  me in the present. So I see that that regardless
• 17:40
  of where you're started, focus on how you finish. Don't
• 17:47
  worry about the millions of times that you fell down.
• 17:51
  Think about the million and one times your got back up.
• 17:57
  When I tell y'all, I've been getting confirmations almost every day.
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  Once I decided to self isolate and really sit in
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  a mirror and really look at myself, to really focus
• 18:14
  on me, things started to get better for me. Do
• 18:19
  I slip, do I fall, absolutely, But at the end
• 18:22
  of the day, I'm learning grace. I'm learning that God's
• 18:26
  mercy is worthy of everything you understand. I wouldn't be
• 18:30
  sitting here where I am today if it wasn't for God.
• 18:33
  I wouldn't be sitting here today if it wasn't for y'all.
• 18:35
  So I want everyone to give yourself a round of
• 18:38
  applause for the beautiful things that y'all do, For the
• 18:43
  way that y'all have come around me, for the way
• 18:45
  that you guys have stood tall. I want to give
• 18:49
  y'all around of applause for not giving up. I understand
• 18:55
  you tired. I understand you, ready to throwing a towel.
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  I understand you, ready to say you know what, God,
• 19:02
  I can't do this anymore. But God says, hold on,
• 19:05
  because yes you can. You have to stop. Let me
• 19:13
  breathe a little bit. M Father God, Thank you. Thank
• 19:23
  you for allowing me to be where I am to day.
• 19:26
  Thank you, Father God for giving me the voice. Thank you,
• 19:30
  Father God for allowing me to be the vessel to
• 19:32
  carry the word. Thank you for Father God for giving
• 19:35
  me my for showing me you don't let me correct that.
• 19:38
  Thank you, Father God for showing me my purpose. You understand.
• 19:41
  Thank you, Father God for keeping me when on the days.
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  Speaker 6: That I thought I could even keep myself. Thank you,
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  Father God for never giving up on me. Thank you,
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  Father God for never taking your hands off of me.
• 19:53
  Thank your Father God for tapping me on the shoulder
• 19:55
  and saying, I I I come on, sit down and
• 19:59
  be still. You're moving too fast. So I thank him
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  for that. I give God all the grace and all
• 20:07
  the mercy. Every day that I wake up, I thank
• 20:09
  God for the strength on the days that I feel
• 20:14
  weak and wearing. But when it comes to your mental health,
• 20:22
  I see y'all. Some of y'all don't think that we
• 20:27
  can't see you.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: But we do, at least I do. So I make
• 20:32
  it a point to post something encouraging, inspirational, uplifting, empowering,
• 20:39
  to encourage somebody. Why do I share my mental struggles
• 20:43
  because I want you to know that I deal with
• 20:46
  a lot behind this cute little smile that I have.
• 20:50
  He thank you, No, let me start. No, but seriously, seriously, though,
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  I share, not for clout, not for oh I'm trying
• 21:02
  to get fame and all, because I don't care about
• 21:05
  none of that. I don't care if I can make
• 21:09
  a difference. And I posted that I don't know if
• 21:11
  it was the day or yesterday on my TikTok. If
• 21:13
  I can make a difference in just one person's life,
• 21:16
  then I've done exactly what God has allowed me to do.
• 21:18
  I've done exactly what God has wanted me to do.
• 21:22
  God told me, he said, share your story, he said,
• 21:25
  because you don't know who's struggling.
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: Just like you.
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  Speaker 1: You don't know who's afraid to talk. I could be
• 21:35
  helping somebody. So I'm gonna keep getting on these platforms.
• 21:41
  I'm gonna keep encouraging somebody. I'm gonna keep loving on somebody.
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  I'm gonna keep pouring on people, but I'm also knowing
• 21:49
  how to maintain and keep my cup full without allowing
• 21:53
  people to run me empty. See, when I was trying
• 21:58
  to quote unquote fitting or be seen or want to
• 22:04
  be loved, I had to stop and say, what am
• 22:08
  I doing for me? I'm so busy trying to appease
• 22:11
  and please everybody else, but I forgot about Ashley. So
• 22:18
  I had to stop. I had to take a step back,
• 22:24
  and I had to say, you gotta put you first.
• 22:30
  You may lose friends or so called friends, because a
• 22:34
  real friend would understand that you need to self isolate
• 22:37
  for a man. But a real true friend would also
• 22:40
  reach out and say, hey, I'm here if you ever
• 22:42
  need me, and I mean genuinely need it, I mean
• 22:46
  show up. Because anybody can sit up here and say
• 22:49
  oh girl, I got you or yeah I got you, bro,
• 22:53
  and never show up. They never show up. So me
• 23:02
  and I'm gonna say this, and I say it every time,
• 23:06
  if you ever need me to clear a space, Let's
• 23:10
  do it. Let's do it. Let's do it, let's do it,
• 23:16
  Let's do it. You need me to clear space for you.
• 23:19
  I could do it. You need me to just sit
• 23:21
  and listen to you while you're talk, Okay, you need
• 23:26
  to cry, Okay, you need just do you need me
• 23:31
  to just sit on the phone and breathe with you? Okay, Okay,
• 23:36
  we could do that. Whatever it is you need from me,
• 23:41
  please let me know, because I don't want you to
• 23:44
  be where I was almost sixty days ago. I'm thirty
• 23:49
  plus days out from my last to tell me. When
• 23:57
  I tell you, it's a beautiful thing. I wake up
• 24:06
  a little lighter every day. Am I struggling right now?
• 24:13
  Somewhat My anxiety is up because on Monday, I have
• 24:22
  to go back to a job that completely diminishes my
• 24:25
  mental so I'm a little anxious. Then I'm dealing with
• 24:32
  the fact that my husband's mother had a stroke. She's
• 24:38
  home now, she's not completely a thousand percent out of
• 24:42
  the woods. So I have to be mentally strong, not
• 24:48
  just for me, but for my husband. Balance. It's what
• 25:04
  I pray for, being able to show up for me
• 25:08
  and still be present for him. Because my husband is
• 25:11
  struggling mentally. He won't say I almost have to kind
• 25:17
  of like beat it out of it, but he's struggling
• 25:19
  mentally because he's here and she's in California. So I'm
• 25:29
  present for him. But I'm also learning to balance out
• 25:35
  my mental also because here I am. My anxiety is
• 25:38
  at a thousand. His mother has a stroke. She just
• 25:45
  got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago.
• 25:51
  But by God, he gives me a renewed strength every
• 25:57
  day that I wake up, Thank you. But he does.
• 26:05
  And I get up and I pray over my husband
• 26:08
  before he leaves to go to work. When it gets
• 26:12
  to work, I pray over him. When he's on his
• 26:15
  way home. I pray over him. Because I know it's
• 26:18
  a black man. It's hard to be vulnerable. And that's
• 26:23
  why I say it's important y'all to create safe spaces
• 26:26
  for people to get in and talk because a lot
• 26:29
  of people don't have outlets. A lot of people the
• 26:31
  way they deal with their mental health is they drink,
• 26:34
  you know, they smoke, They try to sex it, the
• 26:36
  way they try to do anything to try to numb
• 26:38
  or minimize the pain. But I don't want you to
• 26:40
  do that anymore. I want you to be able to
• 26:42
  be free. I want you to be able to release
• 26:44
  yourself from that mental prison that you've built. This is
• 26:49
  why I do these mental health check ins every week.
• 26:52
  I see people on my TikTok and I make sure
• 26:56
  I jump in the comments and tell them I love you.
• 26:59
  Your mental health matters because it's rough. It's rough out here.
• 27:12
  People are one day away from losing their job. People
• 27:16
  don't know where their next mill is gonna come from,
• 27:19
  and that's taking a toll on their mental with the
• 27:21
  things that's going on in the world, with the things
• 27:22
  that people have going on in their personal lives, and
• 27:25
  they trying to keep it all together and keep from exploding.
• 27:29
  But that's why I create this space that I didn't
• 27:32
  create this space just for me. I created for all
• 27:34
  of us, the black community. Because you want to know why,
• 27:37
  Because we don't enforce it enough. We don't talk about
• 27:41
  this enough, we don't encourage each other enough. We get
• 27:45
  on these platforms and all and we'll talk about, hey, cousin,
• 27:49
  hein't cousin. They're gonna beaty right there. We get on
• 27:53
  these platforms and were fussing and we're tussling and we're fighting,
• 27:55
  and we're doing this, and we're doing that. We're not
• 27:57
  really having real genuine convast stations. Y'all get on these
• 28:01
  platforms and talk about Ray Rocks stuff instead of talking
• 28:04
  about what's really truly important, and that's mental health. Do
• 28:08
  y'all understand mental health?
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: HM?
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: The unliving of black men is the third leading cause
• 28:14
  of death in the community ladies between the ages of
• 28:18
  thirty five. No, I'm so sorry, thirty seven and fifty
• 28:21
  five the unliving rate in women. So why are we
• 28:26
  not having these conversations? Why are we only waiting until
• 28:30
  June or May when it's Mental health month, When it's
• 28:33
  Men's Mental Health Awareness Month. Mental health is every day.
• 28:37
  Do y'all not understand this? But y'all want to get
• 28:41
  on these platforms and y'all want to talk about what
• 28:43
  goes on in these celebrity lives and who's messing with who,
• 28:47
  who's sleeping with who? That's not even important that right there,
• 28:52
  sitting and listening to that all day will take a
• 28:55
  toll on your mental and I don't want to listen
• 28:57
  to that. I want to get on this platform. I
• 29:00
  want to make a difference. I want to make a change.
• 29:02
  I want to be the voice for the people that
• 29:04
  are afraid to talk. I want people to know I
• 29:07
  know what it's like to struggle mentally. I've attempted seven times.
• 29:12
  Do you understand seven? And God has kept me here.
• 29:17
  You want to know why, because God told me you
• 29:19
  have a purpose here. I need you to get up
• 29:21
  every day, because every day that I wake you up,
• 29:24
  I got a plan for you. Some of y'all don't
• 29:27
  even hear me. Some of y'all don't even understand. Some
• 29:30
  of y'all are sitting right now in front of your
• 29:33
  mirror or in your bed, and you're client and you're
• 29:36
  struggling because you're like, oh my god, I don't know
• 29:38
  how I'm gonna get through this. I'm by myself. I
• 29:40
  don't have nobody. Yes, you do. You have me. You
• 29:44
  don't have to struggle by yourself. I tell this to
• 29:47
  my children, I tell this to my friends, I tell
• 29:50
  this to my husband. I tell us to everybody.
• 29:52
  Speaker 5: You don't have to struggle by yourself. We can go
• 29:56
  through the journey together. Need me to go through the
• 30:01
  storm with you because I didn't been wet A lot
• 30:03
  of times. I didn't been wet A lot of times
• 30:06
  I have been left. You understand a lot of things.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: I've woke, I've gotten out of the bed and I've wondered,
• 30:12
  am I a blessing or am I burden to people?
• 30:15
  I've had those thoughts. I know what it feels like.
• 30:18
  So I'm gonna fight. I'm gonna keep advocating for the
• 30:21
  ones that look like me. Hmm. I promised I wasn't
• 30:27
  gonna get on this platform across the night y'all do this.
• 30:31
  Y'all don't understand how passionate I am about this. I
• 30:35
  don't think y'all understand how much of a difference I
• 30:37
  want to make. I want to make a difference. I
• 30:40
  want to be a part of the change. I want
• 30:42
  people to look at us differently. I want us to
• 30:44
  heal from those unspoken traumas that we don't see.
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: I want.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: I know I can't fix the world, but if I
• 30:52
  can fix if let me let me rephrase that. If
• 30:57
  I could encourage or touch one person, then I've done
• 31:01
  exactly what God has wanted me to do. That's what
• 31:04
  I want. I want to make a difference. I want
• 31:07
  to inspire somebody. I just want somebody to look at
• 31:09
  me and say, you know an ask because of you.
• 31:12
  I got into therapy. Ask because of you. I did this.
• 31:17
  That's all I want. I don't care about nothing else.
• 31:20
  Y'all get on these platforms. Y'all want money, y'all trying
• 31:23
  to get famous, y'all want cloud. I don't want any
• 31:25
  of that. All I want is for us to be free.
• 31:29
  I want us to be able to be released from
• 31:31
  these self made prisons that we made for each other.
• 31:34
  You understand That's what I want. That's what I want,
• 31:41
  That's what I want, That's what I want for us.
• 31:45
  I want that for us. I want you all to
• 31:49
  genuinely get out of the bed every day, and I
• 31:51
  want you to genuinely be able to look in the
• 31:53
  mirror and say, you know what, I'm glad to still
• 31:55
  be here. I know what that pain feel like. I
• 32:04
  know what that hurt feels like. I know what it
• 32:06
  feels like to be ostracized. I know what it feels
• 32:09
  like to be looked at as the black sheep or
• 32:11
  as the troubled one. I know what it feels like
• 32:15
  to be looked at as the villain. I know what
• 32:18
  that feels like. Have I acted out a character? I have?
• 32:22
  But what you're not gonna keep doing is pushing me
• 32:24
  back into a space that I fight every day to
• 32:26
  stay out of. I'm not gonna allow anybody to do that,
• 32:28
  and that includes family. Everybody keeps telling you, oh, you
• 32:31
  got a hold on. Oh, that's your mama, that's your sister,
• 32:33
  that's your cousin, that's your dad. No disrespect is disrespect,
• 32:37
  no matter who it comes from. And I'm not tolerated
• 32:39
  in the disrespect. I have boundaries in place, because I
• 32:42
  be damned if I keep allowing my pain to bleed
• 32:46
  out on my children, I'm not doing that no more.
• 32:49
  I'm not doing that. Y'all can have it. Baby. If
• 32:52
  you want to be ms of God, bless you. I
• 32:54
  wish you the best. But over here, I want peace
• 32:57
  over here. I want serenity over here. I want love.
• 33:01
  That's what I want over here. I don't want the foolishness.
• 33:04
  I don't want the rye rod, the drama. Keep it
• 33:06
  over there. If you're not healed and you're not looking
• 33:09
  to get here, I want you to stay over there,
• 33:11
  away from me, because over here, excuse me, Father God,
• 33:14
  you are getting the healed ass. You are getting the
• 33:17
  new asser. You are getting the ass that has boundaries.
• 33:20
  That's the answer that you're getting. Now, you don't get
• 33:24
  to tell me how people can treat me, and I
• 33:26
  want y'all to understand stop letting people dictate your feelings
• 33:30
  and your emotions. You have to be stronger than that.
• 33:36
  You have to learn how to feel what you need
• 33:38
  to feel right then in the moment. If somebody upsets you,
• 33:41
  you need to let them know right then and there.
• 33:43
  You need to check them right there. Don't wait until Tuesday.
• 33:47
  Don't wait until Thursday. You do it right now. You
• 33:50
  address that issue right now. You know what so and
• 33:52
  so you did this to me, and I ain't like you.
• 33:55
  And I'm gonna tell you why I didn't like it,
• 33:59
  because I refuse to allow someone else to destroy my
• 34:02
  mental someone that plays no factors in my life. So no,
• 34:09
  I'm no longer allowing people to dictate my emotions anymore.
• 34:13
  I'm no longer allowing people to take me out of
• 34:15
  character because you know what people love to see when
• 34:18
  you get out of character, Because the first thing that
• 34:20
  they're gonna say to you is, girl, I knew you
• 34:22
  ain't changed, but I'm here to show you difference. I'm
• 34:26
  gonna let you talk about me, I'm gonna let you
• 34:28
  say whatever you want to say about me, but I
• 34:31
  tell you one thing. This man up here, humph sees
• 34:35
  the best in me. He sees the best in me.
• 34:40
  That man keeps my mental in check. Every day. Every
• 34:45
  day I wake up and I thank God. I give
• 34:47
  Father God the grace and the mercy. Every day I
• 34:49
  get up and I pick a verse out of the
• 34:51
  bottle and I read it. Anything that for attends to
• 34:53
  what I have gone on in a moment, I give
• 34:55
  it all to God. I leave it. I'm taking my
• 34:58
  hands off of it. I'm no longer fighting battle that
• 35:01
  wasn't meant for me. I'm no longer getting in the
• 35:04
  war and in the ring with nobody. I'm not fighting
• 35:08
  with you no more. This is what you want to do, baby,
• 35:10
  you can have it two plus two week with five,
• 35:12
  that's cool. I'm not arguing with you no more. I'm
• 35:15
  not doing it because I have attempted seven times to
• 35:20
  get up out of here. You understand. And I be
• 35:22
  damn if I let somebody else push me back to
• 35:25
  that brink, because not only am I fighting for my children, baby,
• 35:29
  I'm fighting for me. And I don't want to be
• 35:31
  in fight a flight no more. I want to be
• 35:33
  able to relax. I need to be able to be
• 35:35
  at peace. You understand. I need to be able to
• 35:37
  rest at my feminine energy and stop trying to be
• 35:40
  masculine because I'm not a man. See, some of y'all
• 35:44
  hold on to being Some of y'all hold on to
• 35:47
  the trauma because being a victim gets you attention. That
• 35:51
  ain't the type of attention I want anymore. I don't
• 35:54
  want people feeling sorry for me. I want people to
• 35:57
  look at me and say, man, I remember where your
• 35:59
  store and look at where you are today. That's the
• 36:02
  response I want from people. That's what I want. I
• 36:06
  want people to look at me and say, I remember
• 36:08
  when I remember your story, and I remember every time
• 36:12
  God tested you, and now your test became your testimony.
• 36:17
  That's what I want. I'm gonna fight to keep my
• 36:20
  mental in check, and I want y'all to do the same.
• 36:26
  What do I do? Let me tell you. On those
• 36:30
  days that I feel like I'm struggling, I find whatever
• 36:34
  church song and I just I listened to it. I
• 36:39
  pull out my Bible, I find the scripture of the day,
• 36:45
  and I keep it rocking and rolling. As long as
• 36:48
  I hear God tell me, hey, babe, as long as
• 36:53
  I hear God tells me I got you. You can rest.
• 36:57
  I'm good as long as God tells me, I'm gonna
• 37:01
  keep your cup full. But I still want you to
• 37:03
  pour into others. I still want you to share your story.
• 37:05
  I still want you to show people what mental health
• 37:09
  looks like. I'm depression. I'm the face of anxiety. Some
• 37:15
  of y'all scared to tell people that, and I understand why.
• 37:22
  I understand why you don't talk. I understand why you
• 37:26
  don't share, because what I tell y'all a listening there
• 37:30
  becomes a running mouth. Some people can't wait to hear
• 37:37
  how bad things are going in your life because they
• 37:39
  feel like that's gonna make their life better because you're miserable.
• 37:44
  But you gotta stop hanging around miserable people because guess
• 37:46
  what a positive and a positive gives a positive, But
• 37:50
  as soon as you add a negative to your positive,
• 37:52
  what do you get negative? You get negative? So I
• 37:57
  tell everybody to preserve your mental health. Baby, you need
• 38:01
  to be mindful with the circles in the spaces that
• 38:04
  you sit in, because not every energy is a good
• 38:07
  energy to be around. And I'm not sitting in those
• 38:11
  spaces where they're sitting on these lines and they screaming,
• 38:14
  they yelling, and they cussing people out and they calling
• 38:16
  each other bees and ages. I'm not sitting in those
• 38:19
  spaces because baby, one thing for show, two things for certain.
• 38:22
  You not gonna deplete my energy, baby, and you not
• 38:25
  gonna take my mental back to where it was almost
• 38:30
  sixty days ago. I am. We're not doing that over here.
• 38:33
  Y'all can have that over there over here. I want
• 38:36
  joy over here. I want peace. I want to be
• 38:39
  able to grow old with my husband. And I put
• 38:42
  myself in an early grave because I'm stressing because I
• 38:46
  can't keep my mental balance. Oh no, I'm not doing that.
• 38:50
  We're not doing that. We're not doing that. So I
• 38:53
  want to let y'all know. For those that are are
• 38:56
  new to the line, thank y'all, welcome back to Black
• 38:59
  Girl Interrupted Power Podcast. It's your Girl, Ash and we
• 39:02
  are doing our weekly mental health check in. I do
• 39:05
  this every Monday for mental mondays. I do this because
• 39:08
  I want to check in. I want to know how
• 39:10
  you're doing. I want to know how you're feeling. Even
• 39:12
  if it's just a hey girl, I'm okay, okay, it's
• 39:15
  not good enough. I need you to be great. So
• 39:20
  if you're needing a check in. Let me know, send
• 39:23
  me a message. Hey, ash Man, I'm struggling, all right,
• 39:27
  call me what's up. Let's let's let's get through this.
• 39:29
  Let's talk about it. I want, I'm hoping that my life.
• 39:35
  I know it's hard, Marie, say lord, it is hard
• 39:38
  being great in these times. Baby, let me tell you
• 39:40
  something good, bad, hard, ugly, pretty, indifferent. You're still great
• 39:47
  no matter the climate. Baby, You're still great because your
• 39:50
  God's child. Your God's child, So you're great. I know
• 39:56
  it's easier said than done. I know we always, I
• 39:59
  know we throw on a towe. I know we want
• 40:01
  to give up, but we're too close to the finish line.
• 40:04
  And I said this last week on My life. Sometimes
• 40:06
  God brings you to a storm to test your faith.
• 40:11
  Some of y'all didn't hear that. Sometimes God will bring
• 40:15
  you to a storm just to test your faith. Sometimes
• 40:18
  God will bring you to a storm just to see
• 40:19
  do you really truly believe in what he says? Do
• 40:22
  you believe in the Word? Do you believe in what
• 40:24
  he tells you in this right here? Do you believe that?
• 40:27
  Do you understand that? Do you understand that God works
• 40:30
  on his time in never our time? God will always
• 40:34
  be a flashlight in the dog. So on them days
• 40:37
  that you feel like you can't see, and on them
• 40:39
  days you figure out you're trying to wonder, how did
• 40:41
  I get through the day? Baby, God carried you. That's
• 40:44
  how you got through the day. God carried you. I'm
• 40:49
  telling y'all when I let me tell you y'all, when
• 40:53
  I when I was taken to the hospital back on
• 40:55
  June the second, I told y'all, I took and an
• 41:01
  abundance of medication. And when I tell you all, I
• 41:05
  sat in the back of that police car and I
• 41:07
  prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I asked God.
• 41:09
  And I know I said this last week, but there's
• 41:11
  some new people that are tuning in that don't even
• 41:13
  know my story. But I sat back there and I said, God,
• 41:18
  just keep me. I prompt God, if you get me
• 41:20
  out of this situation, I won't do this again. God said,
• 41:27
  I ain't never left you. You was just too blind
• 41:31
  to see. Then I'm the one that carried you on
• 41:33
  them dark days because I heard you when you said, God,
• 41:36
  how I'm gonna make it through? How I'm gonna get
• 41:38
  through this? The God carried me through and I was
• 41:42
  almost had to finish line, and God said I get up,
• 41:45
  get up and get over here. So I did, and
• 41:53
  here I am. Here we are right now together having
• 41:57
  this conversation. Here we are. I'm being as transparent baby
• 42:02
  as water. Again. I struggle mentally. Am I out of
• 42:09
  the woods? No? I take every day one day at
• 42:14
  a time. When my husband's mother, my mother in law,
• 42:20
  had a stroke, I immediately one to my husband and
• 42:28
  I had the love on him because, like I say,
• 42:32
  men they're not very open with their feelings, and they're
• 42:35
  not open with their feelings because we as women don't
• 42:37
  allow men to be open and vulnerable in their feelings.
• 42:40
  We don't allow that because we expect o were men
• 42:43
  to be strong all the time. I stop doing men
• 42:49
  like that, Women stop doing fellows like that, because again,
• 42:52
  like I say, men struggle just like we do. Men
• 42:55
  hurt just like we are. They just don't talk because
• 42:57
  they're afraid to talk. Because you know why, because some
• 42:59
  of you women, the moment a man opens up to you,
• 43:01
  and the moment that man pisss you off, baby, you're
• 43:03
  ready to throw it back of that man face. But
• 43:06
  that starts with his mother too. That starts with the
• 43:09
  females that that are in his life. And I know
• 43:11
  I may get some flak for this. I know I
• 43:12
  may be called a pigmy or whatever it is. I
• 43:15
  may be called that. But some of you mothers need
• 43:18
  to take accountability for your emotionally detached sons. Because you
• 43:22
  have told your son he's not supposed to cry. You
• 43:25
  have told your son he's not supposed to be sad.
• 43:27
  You basically told your son to suppress his emotions. Ah,
• 43:31
  stop it, stop telling him that. And then you got
• 43:38
  the fellas that tell their sons, oh boy boy, you boy,
• 43:44
  you a man up. You're supposed to be a man. Ah,
• 43:46
  he's human. First, Stop being dismissive of his feelings and
• 43:53
  his emotions. I see comments on here or Marie say,
• 43:58
  that's the fact she saying, fathers, they don't act like
• 44:01
  a bee, and the home boys too. Ah, brud can't
• 44:05
  be that bad. You don't know that if you've never
• 44:10
  walked in that person shoes. Who are you to judge?
• 44:13
  Who are you to tell how they're supposed to feel
• 44:16
  in certain situations? Who are you to tell a man
• 44:19
  or a woman how they're supposed to respond to situations? No,
• 44:23
  we're not doing that. Stop it, y'all get on my nerves.
• 44:28
  Doing that, y'all works my last nerves by telling men
• 44:34
  that they can't be vulnerable. Let me tell you something
• 44:37
  over here, I said. And I have conversations with my
• 44:41
  husband and I asked him, by how are you feeling mentally?
• 44:45
  I asked him all the time, Baby, tell me something
• 44:46
  good today because I genuinely want to know, because I
• 44:50
  want my husband to know that as a man, maybe
• 44:53
  you safe with me. Your feelings are safe for me,
• 44:56
  Your emotions are safe with me. You don't never have
• 44:58
  to worry about me weaponizing it anything that you shared
• 45:01
  with me on mad D Because see a lot of
• 45:04
  y'all can't wait for that. A lot of y'all can't
• 45:06
  wait for Mad Day. Y'all can't wait to tell that man.
• 45:10
  Oh yeah, you sassy anyway, that's why your mama da
• 45:13
  da d D. Y'all can't wait. But what the what
• 45:16
  the sayings? They heard? People hurt people, And I'm trying
• 45:21
  to heal because I don't want to hurt nobody no more,
• 45:24
  whether it's intentional or unintentional. I don't want to bring
• 45:27
  any more pain to anybody. You understand I don't want
• 45:30
  to cause that type of pain on anybody because I
• 45:33
  didn't have my mental in check. Because see, when you're mental,
• 45:39
  it's not where it needs to be. You provoke people
• 45:44
  on purpose because you want them to hurt just like you,
• 45:47
  because you want to You don't want to be alone
• 45:49
  in your struggles anymore. You don't want to be alone
• 45:51
  in your pain. So guess what now, you your cut
• 45:54
  is bleeding on somebody else. Stop it. We've got to
• 45:59
  come and we've got to stop, and we've got to
• 46:01
  break these generational traumas. We've gotta break these generational curses.
• 46:04
  This is probably why my family don't like me. This
• 46:10
  is probably why because I'm choosing peace over chaos, because
• 46:17
  I'm choosing my mental over bs. Maybe that's why. Because
• 46:24
  I've always been looked at as the problem child. I've
• 46:27
  always been looked at as the one that creates all
• 46:32
  the problems. When I had to stop and I had
• 46:36
  to realize that they're part of the problem for every
• 46:40
  cause there's an effect. For anything you do to me,
• 46:43
  there's gonna be a reaction. And that's what anybody that's
• 46:46
  human nature. You call something to somebody, there's gonna be
• 46:49
  a reaction. So I and again, I'm only telling y'all
• 46:55
  how I feel, how my emotions are. You don't get
• 46:58
  to tell me how people get to treat me. I
• 47:02
  know I'm not tolerating that, and I want you to
• 47:06
  do the same. My mental is more important than anything
• 47:09
  else in this world, because I know what it's like
• 47:12
  to be down. I know what it's like to I
• 47:16
  can't run and talk to my mom about what issues
• 47:20
  I have going on because I've met with I don't
• 47:23
  know what you what you're mad about that for anyway,
• 47:25
  I don't know why it's bothering you. What my mother?
• 47:32
  This is not where I'm getting on here, and I'm
• 47:35
  bashing her, so let me, let me, let me correct that.
• 47:39
  But I'm being open, and I'm being honest with the
• 47:41
  relationship I have with her. I'm being open and honest
• 47:46
  about the disarray of our relationship. That's what I'm talking about,
• 47:54
  and it's and it hurts because we don't ever expect
• 47:57
  family to do us the way that they do, but
• 47:59
  guess what they do, and we're left to pick up
• 48:03
  all the pieces. We're left to pick up the remnants
• 48:06
  of the pain. We're left to deal with it. Our
• 48:10
  feelings are dismissed. They say, oh, you don't have you
• 48:13
  shouldn't feel that way, or they'll say, well you did
• 48:16
  this and this. Okay. A lot of people not ready
• 48:21
  to take accountability, you understand. So my cousin says, you
• 48:28
  were never a problem child with me, only a good child.
• 48:30
  I love you. I love you too, But I wish
• 48:35
  that was told to me as the little Ashley, because
• 48:41
  let me tell y'all, I went through a lot fighting
• 48:46
  to be loved by my mother, my mom and my dad.
• 48:50
  I thought I wanted to be accepted. I wanted them
• 48:53
  to just love me. I want anything I did. I
• 48:56
  just wanted them to be proud. But now I look
• 49:00
  at me and I say, you know what, Ashley, I'm
• 49:02
  proud of you. I'm proud of how far you've come.
• 49:06
  I'm no longer fighting to be accepted. You understand. I'm
• 49:11
  no longer fighting for people to like me. If you
• 49:16
  like me, you like me. If you don't, that's okay.
• 49:22
  But we have got to stop saying, what that's still family.
• 49:29
  We have to stop saying that that's still family. Everybody
• 49:33
  tells me, Ashley, you know you're gonna shorten your days
• 49:35
  on earth. If you're not good to your mind, well,
• 49:38
  what about her being good to me? What about my
• 49:41
  father being good to me? Give me one moment.
• 49:45
  Speaker 2: Let me say.
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: I got up and I had this verse memorized. Hold on,
• 49:50
  I had this verse memorized about parents treating their children.
• 49:57
  M here we go, give me just one second. I
• 50:00
  had him memorized. You have Ephesian sixty four and Colossaeans
• 50:05
  three twenty one. Ephesian six four. It says, fathers, do
• 50:10
  not provoke your children to anger and bring them up
• 50:12
  in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. This verse
• 50:15
  emphasizes that while discipline is important, parents should have bought
• 50:20
  actions that could lead to bitterness or discouragement in their children.
• 50:23
  That's why I see y'all keep saying, you gotta honor
• 50:27
  your mother and your father. We know this, but again
• 50:30
  their scriptures in the Bible that tells the parents how
• 50:33
  to treat their children. Do not provoke your children, you understand.
• 50:39
  Matthew Chapter eighteen, verses two through six. Jesus emphasizes the
• 50:43
  importance of humility and receiving the Kingdom of God like
• 50:46
  a child. He also warns against causing children to stumble
• 50:50
  or sin, so I need these parents. I need y'all
• 50:57
  to take accountability. My cousin says, I'm so of you
• 51:00
  and thank you because you don't know how good that
• 51:03
  just made me feel, to know that I'm making somebody proud,
• 51:09
  not just myself. But I want parents to take accountability.
• 51:19
  I take I've taken accountability for the for the pain
• 51:23
  that I inflicted upon my children. I've done that. I've
• 51:27
  done that. But what you're not gonna do is you're
• 51:32
  not gonna keep poking and poking and poking and saying
• 51:35
  I did this for you. I did that for you, Yes,
• 51:37
  but where was our relationship? Parents say, well, I've done
• 51:44
  this for you, yes, but what about our relationship? You
• 51:47
  did what a parent was supposed to do. But what
• 51:49
  about the relationship we are supposed to have? What about
• 51:52
  the love that you were supposed to show me? Stop
• 51:54
  putting monetary value on love money Ooh, love is free.
• 52:00
  It costs nothing to love anybody. And this is all
• 52:03
  we This is what our younger selves want. This is
• 52:07
  the trauma that I speak about. This is the trauma
• 52:10
  that we deal with because we're supposed to give our
• 52:14
  parents a past. We understand parenting doesn't come with a manual.
• 52:17
  I get that you want us to keep giving our
• 52:21
  parents grace, What about the grace that we need also
• 52:26
  because we didn't ask to come here. So parents, not all,
• 52:33
  but some parents intentionally inflict pain and trauma upon their children.
• 52:38
  And then you wonder why your child has so many
• 52:40
  mental issues. Then you wonder why your child is trying
• 52:43
  to take themselves out of here because you've made them
• 52:48
  feel like they were a burden and not a blessing,
• 52:51
  because you've thrown in their face what you've done for them.
• 52:56
  Then you wonder why these parents end up in nursing homes,
• 53:00
  no pun intended. You gotta extend the same grace to
• 53:06
  us that you want us to extend to you. We're
• 53:12
  supposed to have a loving relationship, not a mother or
• 53:15
  father jealous of their child. Not a mother or father
• 53:18
  trying to live out their dreams through their children. And
• 53:22
  then you wonder why your child is addicted to drugs,
• 53:25
  or wonder why your child is so promiscuous. And then
• 53:28
  you wonder why your son has ten baby mamas with
• 53:31
  twelve children because you have made him emotionally detached. You
• 53:34
  taught him this, but nobody wants to hold themselves accountable
• 53:38
  for that. But let me tell you something. One thing
• 53:40
  is for show, two things for certain. I own everything
• 53:44
  that I've done to my children. I own that I
• 53:47
  bled on my children because somebody bled on me. And
• 53:52
  it's a cycle that just goes on and on and
• 53:55
  on and on. But Ashley, it stops with me because
• 54:00
  I don't want my son, when he gets married and
• 54:04
  has children one day, go through the same cycle that
• 54:08
  we went through. I don't want my daughters to go
• 54:11
  through that. So, yes, the generational trauma stops with me
• 54:16
  and ends with me. I be damn if I let
• 54:19
  my children end up like me. I be damn if
• 54:25
  I let my babies hurt and suffer like me. I
• 54:30
  be damn if I don't create a safe space for
• 54:32
  my children. I want to be the safe space for
• 54:35
  my children. I don't want my children to come to
• 54:39
  me and say, well, I can't talk to you because
• 54:41
  I'm not safe with you. So I have to change me.
• 54:45
  I have to work on me, and I'm gonna forever
• 54:47
  be the change that I want my children to see.
• 54:49
  You understand, I'm going to leave by example. I pray
• 54:53
  over my children, I pray over me. I ask God
• 54:56
  every day, restore me in your likeness, make me better
• 55:00
  than what I was the day before. I ask God
• 55:06
  that every day make me better than what I was
• 55:09
  the day before. God, just love on me, just pour
• 55:12
  into me, pick me up, clean me off, because I
• 55:17
  know I was dirty. I'm so sorry, y'all.
• 55:25
  Speaker 3: I just.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: I don't think y'all understand how passionate I am about
• 55:32
  mental health. I don't think y'all understand how passionate I
• 55:38
  am about encouraging somebody, loving on somebody, uplifting somebody because
• 55:44
  I want to see you. When I was reading my
• 55:52
  Bible yesterday and the verse of the week, and I
• 55:57
  posted it on TikTok. But for those that don't know
• 56:00
  Matthew eleven twenty yes, the baby, I got my Bible
• 56:06
  right here. So Matthew eleven twenty eight says, come unto me,
• 56:12
  all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I
• 56:14
  will give you rest. God is telling you give them
• 56:20
  all your burdens, and God to give you rest. God says,
• 56:27
  I see you. I know you're hurting, I know you're struggling,
• 56:36
  but give it to me, give it to me, and
• 56:40
  I'm gonna carry that load for you because I want
• 56:42
  you to be able to rest. I want you to
• 56:43
  be able to relax. So I want you today, I
• 56:48
  want you to leave it all with God. Whatever it
• 56:51
  is that you're going through, whatever it is you're struggling with,
• 56:53
  I want you to give it to Him and I
• 56:55
  want you to leave it. See. One of the most
• 56:58
  beautiful things that I've learned as I go on my
• 57:02
  emotional healing journey, say hell, not only my mental, but
• 57:06
  my emotional, my spiritual, my physical health is life is
• 57:12
  like a car. See. When you're driving a car and
• 57:16
  you and you're the driver, you can only look in
• 57:18
  one direction, and that's trade ahead. When you're the passenger
• 57:22
  in the front seat. See, you're focus on a driver
• 57:24
  because you need to make sure the driver knows where
• 57:26
  they're going. But when you get in a back seat,
• 57:29
  you get to enjoy the view. So I'm taking a
• 57:33
  back seat to my struggles. I'm taking a back seat
• 57:36
  to my mental health, and I'm letting God have that.
• 57:41
  I'm letting God carry that because that's not my cross
• 57:45
  to bear. You understand the battle, it's no longer mine.
• 57:50
  When I sat down and I had a conversation with God.
• 57:52
  Three couple of days after I got out of the hospital.
• 57:56
  I told God, just do it for me. And I
• 58:00
  told God, I said the mental space that I mean, God,
• 58:02
  I just can't do it. I can't do it. I'm tired.
• 58:05
  Why didn't you let me go? God said, because I
• 58:08
  don't need you here just yet. I want you to
• 58:13
  start fighting for you and not for everybody else, because
• 58:18
  when you're fighting for everybody else, you lose yourself in
• 58:21
  the battle. So God says, I'm gonna separate you for
• 58:25
  just a moment. I said, okay, And I laid in
• 58:31
  that bed for two three days, and I cried. I
• 58:35
  grieved because I said, I don't want to self isolate
• 58:39
  for my mother. But then I had to think my
• 58:42
  mother is dangerous to my mental I don't want to
• 58:46
  have to separate from my children, my children, or my sister,
• 58:51
  but they're dangerous to my mental So it was rough
• 58:57
  for me until I had a conversation with my cousin.
• 59:02
  My cousin says, while you laying in this bed and
• 59:03
  you crying and weeping and all of is here, she said,
• 59:07
  you think your mama's over there crying about you. That
• 59:12
  hurt to hear because in my mind, I'm warning my
• 59:17
  Mama to call me, check on me, see how I'm doing,
• 59:21
  And she didn't, so I knew then self isolating was
• 59:28
  the best thing I could ever do for my mental
• 59:32
  I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to
• 59:34
  be sad anymore. I don't want to be in the
• 59:36
  dark anymore. I want to be in the light. I
• 59:38
  want to get out. I want to enjoy life, because
• 59:40
  you know what, we're leaving ub out of here every day.
• 59:43
  We just had what five, six, seven, eight, nine, Ten
• 59:46
  celebrities passed within five days. I don't want to live
• 59:51
  my life and fight or flight no more. I want
• 59:52
  to be able to relax. I want to be able
• 59:54
  to release. I want to be able to look back
• 59:57
  on this day in six months and say, man, I've
• 1:00:00
  come a long way. That's what I want to do.
• 1:00:06
  I want to be able to say you did it,
• 1:00:09
  you did it. I want to be able to look
• 1:00:14
  and say, you know what, My purpose is bigger than
• 1:00:16
  my pain. That's what I want to do. I think
• 1:00:24
  my therapist for riding this ride with me, man. I
• 1:00:32
  think my doctor for snatching me off work and saying,
• 1:00:38
  you know what you need the rest. I think my
• 1:00:44
  circle and it's a small one for loving on me.
• 1:00:51
  Thank y'all for being here with me on my darkest
• 1:00:54
  days and never leaving me. I thank y'all for loving
• 1:01:02
  and supporting what I do on Black Girl Interrupted the podcast.
• 1:01:06
  I love that. I don't think y'all understand what that
• 1:01:09
  means to me. I don't think you understand how grateful
• 1:01:15
  I am that God has given me a space that
• 1:01:18
  I could be free in with no judgment. Why I
• 1:01:22
  could get on this platform and I could share my
• 1:01:25
  mental health struggles. What do I do on those dark
• 1:01:30
  days when I feel myself kind of somewhat straddling of fence.
• 1:01:35
  I go outside and I look up and I'm like,
• 1:01:39
  and I hear that voice tell me you better remember
• 1:01:42
  who the hell you are, And then I snap back
• 1:01:49
  because I know who I don't want to be anymore.
• 1:01:52
  I don't want to be that sad person anymore. I
• 1:01:54
  don't want to be depressed because a lot of people
• 1:01:56
  don't understand it takes more energy to be sad and
• 1:01:58
  depressed than it does to be had. I want God
• 1:02:02
  to put me in spaces where other people are growing
• 1:02:05
  and flourishing like me. I want God to keep putting
• 1:02:08
  roses in my flower garden. I want God to keep
• 1:02:11
  clearing those weeds out of my garden because you know what,
• 1:02:14
  roses can't bloom amongst weeds. And I'm not talking about
• 1:02:19
  just people. I'm talking about my mental whereas dark. I
• 1:02:28
  don't want to be in them spaces anymore because it's dangerous.
• 1:02:33
  Look at my brother Dave, Hey brother, look at my
• 1:02:36
  boy Dave. Good good, good to see you. But that's
• 1:02:41
  where I want to be. I want to be able
• 1:02:44
  to get off the medication. I want to be able
• 1:02:47
  to function without medicine. Hey brother, we are doing good,
• 1:02:54
  doing good, But that's what I want. Don't forget, y'all,
• 1:02:58
  double tap the scream, don't forget. Keep sharing alive, letting
• 1:03:01
  them know we over here doing our weakly mental health.
• 1:03:04
  Check in over here on Black Girl and to rup
• 1:03:06
  the podcast. But that's what I want. I want to
• 1:03:10
  be free as a bird. I want to be what
• 1:03:14
  this what Denise Williams say, that beautiful black butterfly, That's
• 1:03:19
  what I want to be. I want to be free,
• 1:03:23
  and I want to be able to love and be
• 1:03:25
  genuine and my feelings and my emotions. I want to
• 1:03:32
  be able to feel what I need to feel I
• 1:03:33
  need to be present and my feelings and my emotions.
• 1:03:36
  That's where I want to be. I want to be present,
• 1:03:42
  That's where I want to be. I want to be
• 1:03:44
  present in my feelings. I don't want to sit in
• 1:03:48
  the dark. I want to be amongst the lights, the stars.
• 1:03:52
  That's where I want to be. Mentally, I want the
• 1:04:00
  people around me to be free in their mental space.
• 1:04:07
  I want whatever prison you've created for yourself, I want
• 1:04:10
  you to be able to break free from it. I
• 1:04:14
  want you to be able to separate those dirty clothes
• 1:04:17
  from the clean clothes because we've been wearing them both
• 1:04:20
  because we didn't know the difference. When it comes to
• 1:04:26
  mental health, I want us to start taking it seriously.
• 1:04:34
  I don't want to see you're hurting anymore. I don't.
• 1:04:41
  I want you to take care of your mental I
• 1:04:44
  encourage therapy. Some of y'all don't want to go, and
• 1:04:48
  I get it in this school, but I do encourage
• 1:04:51
  it because it does help. Some of us do need
• 1:04:56
  that space, some of us do need and unbiased opinion.
• 1:05:00
  Sometimes some of us do need additional tools. Yeah, we
• 1:05:04
  may have the foundation, but we don't have all the tools.
• 1:05:11
  That's what I want for y'all. That's what I want
• 1:05:13
  for us. I want us to all be a testimony
• 1:05:18
  for somebody that's struggling. And I don't require much. I
• 1:05:24
  just require must to seed. That's all. Not too big,
• 1:05:30
  not too small, but just enough. I tell you, mental health,
• 1:05:37
  it's crazy. It's crazy how your mind, you know, can
• 1:05:47
  take you in so many directions. Dave says, if folks
• 1:05:53
  want to succeed, I don't want them, but I do,
• 1:06:01
  you know, black girl interrupted, I look back at where
• 1:06:05
  I started, and I look at where I am, and
• 1:06:12
  I just thank God that he gave me the tools
• 1:06:17
  to create this platform for y'all to come in and
• 1:06:23
  kick off your shoes and what escapes they kick off
• 1:06:26
  his shoes and relax you feet. I can't saying y'all
• 1:06:30
  bet with me, but I like that that y'all get
• 1:06:33
  to come in in the space that I created for
• 1:06:35
  us with your favorite drink or cigar, whatever it is,
• 1:06:42
  and I get to pour into you. I get to
• 1:06:46
  love on you in a judgment free space because I
• 1:06:51
  don't do judgment over here. M Dave says, if folks
• 1:06:59
  want to succeed, I don't want to needs to be
• 1:07:01
  eliminated from your vocabulary absolutely, Who do I need to
• 1:07:07
  ask this where? Hold on? Let me see there we go.
• 1:07:13
  All right, we'll we'll figure that out at the end,
• 1:07:18
  at the end, and we'll try to figure out so
• 1:07:21
  that way you can add people to I don't want
• 1:07:24
  to do anything to jeopardize the live. I don't I
• 1:07:32
  don't want to do anything. So I'm gonna leave it
• 1:07:33
  like it is. Okay, Dave says, hold on, But again,
• 1:07:39
  when it comes to speaking about mental health, I don't
• 1:07:44
  want it to be a taboo conversation. I want us
• 1:07:47
  to be able to be comfortable. I want to be
• 1:07:51
  able to get in here and release and unpack whatever
• 1:07:58
  it is that they have going on mentally. And I
• 1:08:01
  want them to leave it where it is, because when
• 1:08:05
  we leave out of this live tonight, we're gonna leave.
• 1:08:08
  We're gonna leave all our burdens right here in this live.
• 1:08:10
  So next week, when we do our mental health check ins,
• 1:08:15
  we could talk about something new, something different, what happened
• 1:08:20
  this week. You know. I want everyone that's tuned in again, y'all,
• 1:08:25
  welcome back to everyone that is new that is just
• 1:08:27
  now joining the platform. Y'all, welcome back to black Girl
• 1:08:30
  interrupt the podcast. It is your girl, Ash excuse me. Ah,
• 1:08:39
  there we go. For those that are new, I am
• 1:08:42
  a podcaster that lives in Houston, Texas who created this
• 1:08:47
  space out of a dark moment that I had. I
• 1:08:52
  wanted to be able to have a space or I
• 1:09:00
  could be safe because I didn't feel like I had
• 1:09:02
  it anywhere else. So I created my own space. You know.
• 1:09:08
  My therapist told me. She says, oh, I want you
• 1:09:10
  to write, And I told her, I say, well, my
• 1:09:12
  anxiety really doesn't let me write. But I'm getting better though.
• 1:09:15
  I will say that I'm getting better with my writing,
• 1:09:18
  but I can vocalize and express things that are going
• 1:09:26
  on in my mental I can express that I can
• 1:09:31
  feel safe in here and I don't have to worry
• 1:09:33
  about anybody judging. You know, I've had people send me
• 1:09:36
  messages and they say, you don't worry about people getting
• 1:09:41
  upset because you're sharing so much. No, because why am
• 1:09:45
  I gonna keep putting on putting a band in on
• 1:09:48
  a sore that I want to heal? I don't. I
• 1:09:53
  don't want that, Marie says I journal. She says, one
• 1:09:56
  day I'll have a book, and you absolutely will anything
• 1:10:00
  that you put in the universe. God is gonna give
• 1:10:02
  to you, but you have to be specific, not pacific, y'all.
• 1:10:06
  Specific sp C, I F I C specific and what
• 1:10:11
  it is that you want. You have to tell God
• 1:10:16
  this is what I want, or whoever you pray to.
• 1:10:20
  You have to be intentional with your healing. You have
• 1:10:26
  to want to be better. See a lot of people
• 1:10:30
  they like being the victim. A lot of people love
• 1:10:32
  that because they like the attention. That's exhausting to me,
• 1:10:37
  and I think that needs to be studying. Anybody that
• 1:10:39
  loves to that's not wanting to heal. And I get it.
• 1:10:42
  I know healing is. It's rough. It's difficult because people
• 1:10:45
  are looking for an overnight fixed. But I want you
• 1:10:48
  to know the truma and the pain was being flicted overnight.
• 1:10:50
  It was over a period of time. So it's gonna
• 1:10:52
  take a period of time to undo what's been done.
• 1:10:58
  That's what it's gonna take. So you have to be
• 1:11:01
  kind to yourself. You have to be patient with your healing.
• 1:11:06
  Some of y'all want to overnight fix, like your credit.
• 1:11:10
  Your credit didn't get shot in one day. It takes
• 1:11:12
  a process to get it back where it needs to be.
• 1:11:19
  Am I breaking up you stay me or Dave. But
• 1:11:29
  I want to undo the damage that was gone. Although
• 1:11:33
  I can't fix I can meet or allow people to
• 1:11:40
  meet me wherever I am now and again, you're gonna
• 1:11:44
  meet the healed Ashley. You're gonna meet the row and Ashley.
• 1:11:47
  You're gonna meet the mother, the wife, the grandmother. That's
• 1:11:52
  who you're gonna meet, the actual with the boundaries, the
• 1:11:55
  actually that's no longer taking disrespect, and that includes family.
• 1:12:03
  As much as it hurts, I have to do its
• 1:12:06
  best for me because I can't be have peace in
• 1:12:12
  my house and then I'm dealing with chaos and then
• 1:12:14
  I bring the chaos back into the house. No, not
• 1:12:20
  gonna be able to do it. So the verse of
• 1:12:24
  the week, y'all is Matthew eleven twenty eight. Again. The
• 1:12:29
  verse of the week is Matthew eleven twenty eight. Again.
• 1:12:32
  God is telling you give all your troubles to Him
• 1:12:36
  and you go rest and God will carry it the
• 1:12:39
  rest of the way. God has you. God has his
• 1:12:43
  hands on you. Although you may can't see him, but
• 1:12:46
  you're feeling again. God woke you up today. Every day
• 1:12:51
  that God wakes you up here as a plan for you.
• 1:12:55
  Your mental is gonna be better. It's gonna get better.
• 1:13:04
  You know, God is. He's a healer. God is always
• 1:13:10
  a man of clarity, never a man of confusion. I
• 1:13:16
  leave you all with this, hmm. I know you feel
• 1:13:27
  like giving up, but don't you just have to stand.
• 1:13:37
  You gotta stand. You gotta stand on those things that
• 1:13:44
  you feel like you're about to fall down. Hey, saus,
• 1:13:49
  any time you feel like you're about to fall down,
• 1:13:53
  I love you too, baby, I love you. I love
• 1:13:56
  you so much. Any time that you feel like you're
• 1:14:00
  about to fall down, you look up whatever's on your
• 1:14:07
  heart and in your mind, release it and let it go.
• 1:14:14
  Let it go. Don't allow the outside to destroy your
• 1:14:22
  mental Okay, Please please send me your phone number, Please
• 1:14:27
  send it to me. But I want you to stay encouraged.
• 1:14:37
  I want you to stay focused and I want you
• 1:14:42
  to stay the race. Don't give up. You too close now.
• 1:14:52
  I want you to stay close. Don't give up, don't
• 1:14:58
  let go. You almost there, You're almost there, your race
• 1:15:05
  is almost complete. Mhm. That's what I want. I don't
• 1:15:13
  want you to give up because I need you here.
• 1:15:17
  I see you. I know you're hurting. I know it.
• 1:15:21
  I know you're hurting. I know it. Pain only last
• 1:15:28
  for a moment. We've been may endure it for the night,
• 1:15:31
  but joy come up in the morning. Don't let go, Please,
• 1:15:40
  don't let go. Hold on, hold on tight. We're all
• 1:15:47
  in a battle right now. We're all Our faith is
• 1:15:52
  being tested every day, Our mental is being tested every day.
• 1:15:59
  The devil is busy. The devil only prays on a week.
• 1:16:04
  He comes to seat, kill and destroy. But you gotta
• 1:16:08
  keep your mental attact. Baby. You can't let the devil
• 1:16:13
  break you. You can't let the devil shake you. You
• 1:16:20
  gotta tell him your depression can't live here no more.
• 1:16:25
  You gotta tell the devil your anxiety can't live here
• 1:16:27
  no more. You gotta tell God you want to be happy,
• 1:16:34
  and you gotta give it with intention. You gotta see God,
• 1:16:38
  I'm gonna be happy. And then you sit back and
• 1:16:41
  you watch God do the rest of the work. Because
• 1:16:45
  if He woke you up today, you better be grateful
• 1:16:49
  for that, because you know what, tonight, somebody's gonna lay
• 1:16:51
  down and go to sleep, and it's gonna be there
• 1:16:55
  last night, somebody going into their job tomorrow and maybe
• 1:17:00
  walking out with a pink slip. You got somebody that's
• 1:17:06
  want to step away for their car being taken. You
• 1:17:14
  got a person that's one step away from losing their
• 1:17:17
  home or being evicted from their apartment. You got that
• 1:17:22
  going on right now. But God says, if you trust me,
• 1:17:27
  lean on me, I'll never forsake you. Like I told y'all,
• 1:17:34
  God is always a man of clarity of a confusion.
• 1:17:40
  So if God woke you up to that, you'd be
• 1:17:41
  grateful for that. Because you got somebody right now that's
• 1:17:45
  making funeral arrangements for they loved one. You got a
• 1:17:49
  person right now that just took the that just took
• 1:17:53
  their life all because somebody did and chuckle. You have
• 1:18:07
  to be kind to people. You don't know what private
• 1:18:11
  struggles people are going through right now. And with this
• 1:18:14
  climate of the world, it's rough. So I understand how
• 1:18:19
  hard it is to keep your head above the water.
• 1:18:21
  I understand how hard it is to save yourself from drowning.
• 1:18:25
  I understand, But I want to be your life jacket.
• 1:18:36
  I don't want you to drown. I want you to
• 1:18:39
  stay here just a little while longer. I need you.
• 1:18:50
  I see you. I know you're hurting, I know you're struggling,
• 1:18:59
  but Everything has expiration thing. Everything comes with an expiration.
• 1:19:06
  Pain comes with the expiration thing, Depression comes with the expiration,
• 1:19:14
  Anxiety comes with the expiration date. You gotta put a
• 1:19:24
  period on a lot of these things. You gotta put
• 1:19:29
  it into it. You gotta say I want to live, period.
• 1:19:32
  I don't want to I don't want to get out
• 1:19:34
  of here. Period. I want to fight. Period. Baby. I
• 1:19:41
  know what them bills or they may go, never add
• 1:19:44
  all expiration date. But that's what I want you all
• 1:19:48
  to do. Put an expiration thing on it. Put a
• 1:19:53
  period at the end of that sentence. That's all I
• 1:19:58
  want yall to do. I want you to keep fighting.
• 1:20:05
  I want you to want fighting with you. Depression is
• 1:20:09
  not easy. Depression doesn't go away overnight. There's not a
• 1:20:13
  magic pill for it. So if you're going into therapy
• 1:20:19
  or whatever it is that you decide to do, just
• 1:20:22
  know you're not getting a quick fix. It's a process.
• 1:20:26
  But you gotta be willing to put in the work.
• 1:20:28
  And I put in the work each and every week.
• 1:20:33
  I put into work with my therapist. I tell her everything,
• 1:20:40
  that's what I want. So I will post not only
• 1:20:46
  on my Facebook, but on my TikTok some resources for
• 1:20:51
  mental health in the African American community. I will post those,
• 1:20:54
  take advantage of them, utilize them. You'll be surprised that
• 1:21:00
  what therapy could do. Therapy, man, and with prayer, can
• 1:21:08
  get you right where you need to be. I just
• 1:21:14
  want to tell y'all that I love you, and that
• 1:21:20
  I'm praying for you, and that I'm rooting for you
• 1:21:27
  to win. I want to see you at the table.
• 1:21:39
  I want to see you living and not just existing.
• 1:21:45
  That's what I want. I want y'all to start living
• 1:21:51
  and stop just existing, because that's what we've been doing.
• 1:21:55
  We've just been existing, we haven't been living when I
• 1:22:06
  do these shows, man, I don't think y'all understand how
• 1:22:11
  refreshed I feel at the end of these lives, knowing
• 1:22:16
  that I've laid all my burdens right where they are
• 1:22:22
  and I've walked away from them. I don't think y'all
• 1:22:32
  understand waking up a little lighter what it does for me.
• 1:22:42
  I don't think you understand how refreshed I feel knowing
• 1:22:49
  that I'm getting back to how Ashley used to be. Heysus,
• 1:22:53
  I love you, babe. I don't think y'all understand how
• 1:23:00
  frushing that feels to me to know that, regardless of
• 1:23:05
  everything that I've endured and gone through, that people still
• 1:23:11
  show up for me. Hey, Sis, I don't think y'all
• 1:23:17
  understand that how refreshing it is. I still struggle. I
• 1:23:30
  still have my moments, but again, I just take it
• 1:23:35
  one day at a time. I'm not trying to rush
• 1:23:37
  the process because I know one day I'll be right
• 1:23:43
  where God wants me to be. On that note, I
• 1:23:50
  love y'all so much. I appreciate y'all for tuning in
• 1:23:58
  with your Girl every week. Thank y'all for making Black
• 1:24:02
  Girl Interrupt the podcast what it is and what it
• 1:24:05
  will become. Y'all are amazing people, and I'm proud of you.
• 1:24:13
  I don't care what you've done in your past, but
• 1:24:16
  I'm proud of you. I'm happy to see your shining.
• 1:24:21
  I'm happy to see your going. I'm happy to see
• 1:24:23
  you winning. Don't let go and don't never give up.
• 1:24:28
  Don't worry about what other people have to say. You
• 1:24:32
  focus on you, because what I say heart people hurt people.
• 1:24:40
  They love that you have. Some people that love to
• 1:24:47
  see you down and depressed. They love that. And the
• 1:24:54
  people that love and dwell and pray on that those
• 1:24:57
  are the people you don't even need to be around.
• 1:25:02
  But don't worry God as soon removing people out of
• 1:25:05
  your life. I'm here to tell you because it's some
• 1:25:09
  people that I don't even miss talking to, trust and believe.
• 1:25:15
  But I love y'all. I will see y'all next Monday.
• 1:25:18
  Whole TikTok. I love y'all. Shout out to everybody. I
• 1:25:24
  hope everyone has a beautiful yet amazing week. And I
• 1:25:28
  tell y'all, if you need me, y'all know how to
• 1:25:30
  reach me. If you need me to clear space, I
• 1:25:34
  clear space a week of talk just me and you.
• 1:25:37
  You want to go to the park, Let's go to
• 1:25:39
  the park. What do you need me to do? What
• 1:25:44
  do you need from me? But I love y'all, and
• 1:25:48
  I'll see y'all next Monday. I'll let y'all know how
• 1:25:55
  the week goes, because be bad. I'm here to tell you, y'all,
• 1:26:01
  but I love you. Y'all. Have a beautiful night and
• 1:26:04
  I'll see y'all next. Money and don't forget to like common,
• 1:26:06
  share and subscribe. Don't forget to bring a friend, tell
• 1:26:09
  a friend, a husband or wife, a boyfriend whoever, but
• 1:26:13
  tell him how it all goes down over here on
• 1:26:15
  Black Girl, interrupt the podcast. I see y'all next Monday,
• 1:26:19
  Love y'all, honey Buns. Edwin says, I needed this so bad.
• 1:26:39
  Thank you for coming. You're welcome.