Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Cancel Culture Isn't Real | Geoffrey Asmus | Half Hour Stand Up Comedy Special 🤣🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Cancel Culture Isn't Real | Geoffrey Asmus | Half Hour Stand Up Comedy Special 🤣🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Holy shit.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Woo! Yeah, Los Angeles.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: I love LA because whenever you come here, all people, the first thing they say, they're like, oh, you gotta watch out for homeless people and all that.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's getting pretty bad around here.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Homeless people, they're ruining Los Angeles.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I don't know.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: I think the worst part of LA are the people with homes.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: I think a homeless guy's just gonna be like, can I have a dollar?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: A person with a home's like, I run a bakery for vegan cats.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, that's so much worse in many ways.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing a homeless guy says is ever gonna be worse than a white woman telling you about her pansexual thruple.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's afraid of homeless people.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand that.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's such bitch shit.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's so embarrassing.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not I'm not afraid of homeless people.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Why would I be afraid of a guy who's currently sucking my dick?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: He asked for five dollars, I had a dick full of cum.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: We reached an agreement.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's a little trickle down your chin economics, folks.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: And if you didn't like that joke, it's gonna be a long half hour.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Every five minutes, I'm gonna get my dick sucked by a different demographic.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty incredible stuff.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Me and my girlfriend just celebrated three years together.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Three years.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Mop those pussies up, ladies.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Can't get a three-pump dump from the champ.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Whoopsie.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my girlfriend is uh black.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, ally alert.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Uh while the rest of you posers during BLM, you're posting that black box on Instagram.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was posting up in that black box.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'll never forget this.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: The first time we hooked up three years ago, I told my girlfriend I was clean of STDs, and she was like, you can't say you're clean of STDs anymore.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's offensive now because it implies that STDs are dirty.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they are.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh if they aren't dirty, then why'd I just lie to you?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Can't kill these crabs, they're all rescues.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, I got them from another black-owned business.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh come on, that's a good lie.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good lie.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'll never forget this.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: I did a show in West Virginia about a year ago, and I said my girlfriend was black, and this guy shot out.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, You have jungle fever.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's like vintage racism.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: That was kind of fun.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: But like, you never hear a nickname for like a black woman who likes white guys.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, yeah, Keisha likes white guys.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's got mass shooter madness.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: What's your fucking name, man?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: That was way too aggressive.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: What is your name though?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Seriously.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Hugo.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Hugo.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Hugo, can I ask you a couple questions, Hugo?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Is that okay?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Hugo, a lot of women, they're bringing vibrators into the bedroom.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: How do you feel about that, Hugo?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: It's okay.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay.
• 3:00
  unknown: Stop, Hugo.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Why are we applauding fucking cucks in America now?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: We used to rule this country, Hugo, and now little beta's like you, we've lost control.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Feminism's gone too far.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Vibrators should be illegal.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: We all know that.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's disgusting we let women do that.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: They're unpatriotic.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're using a Chinese robot to replace a hard-working American cock?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's what's wrong with this fucking country, folks.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Vibrators ruin Detroit, Michigan.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone knows it.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: My girlfriend just got a couple of vibrators, and I was talking to my friend, and he was like, Aren't you worried the vibrators are gonna replace you in the bedroom?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, no, dude.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: The super rechargeable thruster rabbit 3.0 could never do what I do.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like to see the rabbit make her cry with a single glance.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I doubt the Hitachi Cordless Plus G-spot dildo massaging magic one with pressure wave technology could forget her birthday.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Until they invent a vibrary that could get violent diarrhea no matter what it is.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: It is crazy we're just letting robots take all our jobs, isn't it?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of crazy.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Every science fiction movie I watched as a kid, we fought the robots to the fucking death.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: We're like, get off our planet, you chrome pigs.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: This is a fucking human planet.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: How about you get the fuck out of here, buddy?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And then in real life, we're just like, what if they make us come though?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I bet Wally could find my clit.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh little Wally joke, but uh Hugo, sexuality's a spectrum, isn't it, Hugo?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: We're all a little gay, we're all a little straight.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: No one knows that better than you.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: And uh we're all what would you say your sexual percentages are, Hugo?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like 80%.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 15% gay.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Not enough for a scholarship, but uh enough to make Thanksgiving a little tense.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: Uh what would you say your sexual percentages are, Hugo?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: Uh mostly straight up.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Mostly.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Could you put a number on it, Hugo?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: 90.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: 90.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's great.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have a joke.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanted you to finally be honest with yourself.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Uh there we go.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good one.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good one.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Did it again?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Nice work.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm feeling good.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: I did uh I did a sensory deprivation tank a couple weeks ago.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: You guys ever done these things?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's where you like float in silent darkness for 90 minutes.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's the best I've ever felt in my entire life.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's how bad life is.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Take away sight, sound, and other people.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I could get used to this.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: It was amazing.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: I left the tank, I was cleansed of anxiety, I felt like a newborn baby.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: And then I went to Starbucks, ordered a drink, and I was like telling her how to spell my name.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, it's G-E-O, F-F-R-E-Y, by the way.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, oh, Joffrey?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Joffrey, are you named after King Joffrey from Game of Thrones?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, put me back in the tank! And then five minutes later, a different barista looked at the cup and she's like, oh, iced matcha latte for Goofy.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: You think my name's fucking Goofre, dude?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Goofy kills himself in preschool, buddy.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like Goofy's a four-year-old, like, I can't take it anymore.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: These are Flintstone vitamins.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh come on, little killing kid joke.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: No big deal.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Not a big deal.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Let's try this one.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone here married?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: We got any people married?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: You got you're married, ma'am?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: How long have you been married?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh six years.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Six years.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: And when people got married, they gave you, when you got married, they gave brought you gifts, right?
• 6:40
  unknown: Um, no.
• 6:42
  unknown: I was quiet.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: Fuck!
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, show's over, I guess.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: What if I just don't know what to do?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you really, can we get her out of here?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I don't do crowd work with women.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: I have one rule and I broke it.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think this is a rule.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of my friends are getting married.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: They're all giving up like many of you have recently.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, I think we can agree single people shouldn't have to bring a gift to a wedding.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's a very fair rule.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's so cruel to make single people bring a gift to a wedding.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: The couple's just waiting there, like, oh, what did you bring us, you unfuckable goblins?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: All the single people are waiting in line, like, oh, sex gods, please accept this Roomba.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: I went to my friend's wedding recently and he was like, yo, dude, for the gift, just give us some cash so we can start a family.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Give us some cash so we can start a family.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, if$32 in ones from me is the decisive factor in you guys starting a family, I'll throw in$500 for the abortion.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I know it's a little early in the set for abortion jokes, but you gotta do them in the first trimester, folks.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh come on, can we have fun anymore?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Can we have fun anymore?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: I love, do you guys ever see like pro-life billboards driving around?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Pro life billboards are one of the greatest things on earth.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I love those things.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: They're always in the middle of nowhere.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: There's always a pro life billboard where no one would ever want to be born, you know?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: I want an honest billboard in the middle of nowhere that's like, did you know that after 32 days in the womb, your fetus already has teeth?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: But their parents don't.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: They always pick like a moment when life begins.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: They're always like babies first smile, baby's first heartbeat, baby's first time calling the cops in a black barbecue.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like you know what I'm talking about, Hugo.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's the life drill cover.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: I saw one ad that like really fucked it up, though.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: The one black guy did not like that one.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just kidding around, just kidding around, man.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: I saw one billboard that really fucked it up.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: They said life is precious.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: They said, like, did you know that after 42 days in the womb, your fetus already has fingernails?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: You guys remember fingernails, right?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Our favorite part of life.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Every day I wake up and thank the Lord for these useless bone knives that won't stop growing.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, thank you, baby Jesus, for the cocaine spoon.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: If the Lord didn't want me to do cocaine, why'd he give me 10 cocaine gummies?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: I did that joke in uh I did that joke in Austin, and this lady came up to me afterwards.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: She was so angry, she's like, that's a disgusting joke.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: You need to stop telling that joke.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, lady, I can't abort that joke.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: It already has legs.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I don't know how you could be against abortion.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, babies don't even want to be born.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: All they do for the first two years is cry.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, put me back in the tank! That's a great one.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: I wrote that yesterday.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's really funny.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's a great one.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, Hugo, can I ask you another question, Hugo?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hugo, you like to travel, Hugo?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: What's your favorite place you've ever been in America, Hugo?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Uh Seattle.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Seattle.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Uh could you say the Ozarks?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Where's your favorite place to travel?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: The Ozarks.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: The Ozarks! I have a joke about the Ozarks, Hugo! What are the chances?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't gonna do it, but can't say no to the universe, folks.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the Ozarks, what'd you like about the Ozarks?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: I did a show in the Ozarks recently, and this guy, this like hick country guy, let me like drive his truck with a lift kit.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever driven a truck with a lift kit?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: That shit fucking rips, dude.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's so amazing.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like 15 feet in the air, like, oh, I get being Republican.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, yeah, there are two genders, Dodge and Ford.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: And it's so funny doing a show in a small town.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like in a big city LA, you got gender neutral bathrooms.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever seen the opposite of a gender-neutral bathroom?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: In this small town, they had color photos on the door of what they think the gender should look like.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: It was so funny.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: The women's bathroom was like a photo of a blonde in a sundress.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: The men's bathroom was like a tough steel worker.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I was just like, I don't identify with either of these.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a bathroom for boys who cry when it rains?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a bathroom for men who identify as women when the check comes?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's gotta be one of the lamer culture war things.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: People who are against gender-neutral bathrooms, it's always so lame.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's always a guy like, well, if anyone go in the bathroom, what's gonna stop a transgender peta with a penis from waltzing in and touching my little princess?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, you think all these years the pedophiles have been stopped by the gender sign?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know, pedophiles, big rule followers.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: They're always like, I'm a law-abiding citizen first and a kid f second.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Hugo, can I try one more?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is the last thing.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think these other little bitches could take it, Hugo.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's why.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Are you two dating, Hugo?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's amazing.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Hugo, have you ever heard of a hall pass in a relationship, Hugo?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know what that is?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's where you can pick someone in the world, you can have sex with them, and it is not considered cheating.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Would you be willing to share who yours would be, Hugo?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: On the contact.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, Hugo.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Three, two, one.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, man.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm dying of people.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: Be better than that woman.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Prove that we're superior.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, the crowd hated that.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: They were with me the whole show.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, I think he's being serious right now.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think after 15 minutes of joking, he's revealing his true colors.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: We forgot the context of where we are.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: He's a bigot.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Hugo, you really fucked me there, man.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Uh me and my girlfriend were doing the hall pass thing.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: My girlfriend, she picked Idris Elba.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then she got mad when I chose her friend Megan.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I was like, why would you why would you pick Idris Elba?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: You're not gonna sleep with him, you fucking idiot.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I could I've already fucked Megan.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh what's your name, man?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: Will, how'd you two meet?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: How'd you two meet, Will?
• 13:28
  unknown: We met on Hinge.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: You met on Hinge?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's the you can filter by race on Hinge.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: Looks like you might have done it, Will.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Uh Did you guys know about this dating app Hinge?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: A few white men are like, I gotta try that out.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty fucking sick.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: You can filter by race.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: The funny part is it doesn't come with the free version of the app.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's funny.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Hinge is like, yep, racism's$8.95 a month.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: For a buck more, we'll filter out the Jews.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: They're tough to find, but we got a good algorithm.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: The old lady clapping, I like that.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, we used to do the same thing with laws.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Uh God, my brain's beautiful.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so fucking quick, man.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: If only I could be happy.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Let's try, let's talk to one other person.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: What's your name, man?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: Brian.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: Brian, is there anyone in your extended family you don't like, Brian?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: I love everyone.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck you, man! If one more person does that, I'm gonna fucking rip their head off.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: Just do what daddy tells you, people.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh what about Hugo?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anyone in your family you don't like?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're learning, Hugo.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: I like this.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna have you suck in your own cock in ten minutes.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: The fuck?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you not like in your family, Hugo?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: My aunt.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: Your aunt.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: And why is that, Hugo?
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's amazing.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: Uh long story short, she organized my mom's funeral and stole the extra money.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Dang.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh shit.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I don't have anything funny.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanted you to think about that again tonight.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I never done that.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's tragic, Hugo.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for sharing, but I don't have anything funny about that.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, no, that was great.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it was a long time ago.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: But it never truly leaves you, does it, Hugo?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: I don't get along with my mom, Hugo.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone knows that about me.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't get along with my mom.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: I was with my mom recently.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: Do anyone else's parents still treat them like they're a nine-year-old kid?
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: Does this make sense to anyone?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: My mom cannot fathom I've liked a new thing since 1999.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I was eating a hot dog next to my mom a couple months ago.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was putting mustard on it, and she was like, You don't like mustard.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: You've never liked mustard.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: What's going on?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Yeah, mom, I didn't like mustard, and then I got my dick sucked at Panero, alright?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: And now I like Dijon, alright?
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, what?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: You never used to like getting your dick sucked.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: What's going on?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: You made such a stink when your uncle Ben did it.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Uh can we have fun anymore, folks?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'm just kidding around.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: I love my mom.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: She's my hero.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: She's the greatest woman I've ever met.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: My mom's been a special ed teacher for the last 34 years, folks.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: 34, yeah.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's what she always told me.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, she told everyone else she was a stay-at-home mom.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, Hugo, I'm the little retard.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: How are you like that?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: Let's see.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: I can say that word.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: I got called it a lot in middle school.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: Can you believe that, Hugo?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: They bullied me.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: They all thought I had autism.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: They were jealous of my knowledge, Hugo.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a very smart person.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Americans, when they see knowledge, they think you're a gay communist or something like that.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know where that one came from.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't plan to say that.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: But Hugo, just I was very smart as a young kid.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me a year in American history, Hugo.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you who was president, what was happening in America that in that year.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh 1992.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: 1992?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: Can we try a little deeper, Hugo?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: 1990.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: I think Bill Clinton was on his fourth rape that year.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh he was probably just getting the feel of Lolita Island that year.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh do another year, though.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: I made it funny regardless.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: But uh 1801.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: What did you say?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: 1801.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: 1801.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I believe that was John Adams.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: He was end, he was ending his uh first term.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh that was during the quasi-war against the French because they were fighting England, but they were raiding all the American ships, even though we weren't at war with them.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: So we almost went to war with France.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: That was like the first big American foreign policy debacle.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that funny, it's just why I didn't have sex till I was 25.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because knowledge is better than sex.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: I made the right choice, right?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you what, I'd rather read than fuck any day.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you what.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: I know when a book's gonna finish.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: I've never gotten to the end of a book and it's like, oh, you're not done yet, mister.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Flip me over and try again, you little bitch.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: That joke's funny if you know how books and pussy work.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, now Hugo, let's try it, try British history.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: Give me a year, I'll tell you what was happening in the British Empire that year.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh 1755.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: 1755.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: That was a big year in British history.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: That was the year they were all being a bunch of little fucking bitches.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know British history.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: I only know American history.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: I have I have patriotism.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty funny.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty funny.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, uh, Hugo, last thing I'll ask of you.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: Hugo, do you want what do you want next, Hugo?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: Sex or politics?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: What do you want?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: Uh sex.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: Sex?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: Get up here, brother.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: Hugo, fingering.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty sick, isn't it?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Fingering's the best part of sex, right?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: Fingering levels the playing field of sex.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like whenever a guy brags about having a 10-inch cock, I'm just like, pshh, whatever, dude.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: I got 10 3-inch cocks.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: Actually 11, but uh Hugo, how long have you two been together?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_02: 10 months.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: 10 months.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: You guys ever argue about anything, Hugo?
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes, what's the biggest argument you had recently?
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, we're just all slowly dying.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: What did you say?
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: She takes a long time to get ready, Hugo, and I like that you keep her.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: I like that, Hugo.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta be the man of the house, Hugo.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, okay, cut that.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: Don't cut, cut that, Mark.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: The crowd hated that.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: They hated me.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: They think I was evil there.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just playing a character up here called Guy Who Says What You Wanna Hear.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: Me and my girlfriend, we got in a big argument the other day.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: She lied to me during sex.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: She lied to me during sex.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: She was we were having sex.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: She looked me right in my beautiful German eyes.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: The best eyes a man once said.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: And we were having sex.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was throwing it down, folks.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: We were at second 23 of 35.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was about to begin pump three of eight, and uh I don't have any shame in coming quickly either.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: The quicker you come, the straighter you are.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know why I come right away?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because I fucking love pussy, dude, you know.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: These guys who last all nights because they're dicks and they're like, I wish this was a boy.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: So we were having sex, and my girlfriend, she was looking up at me and she was like, You're the sexiest man in the world.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, How about you shut the fuck up?
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: We have roommates.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not even the sexiest guy in this apartment.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, really?
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: You think I'm the sexiest man in the world?
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's nice to meet the dumbest bitch in the world.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: Why do we do that?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: No one believes that.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, really?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: You think I'm hotter than Channing Tatum?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm harder than.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, so Channing Tatum, show up at the door, nothing but a towel on.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: You'd just be like, oh.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, Mr.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Tatum.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: I have goofy.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: He yelps when he comes.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: He sharks when he yelps.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: He's the sexiest thing.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: God, I'm fucking killing tonight.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: Uh let's try this last thing.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's the big closer.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was just back home.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: We went back home to my family.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: We just celebrated my grandfather's 98th birthday, folks.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: His 98th birthday.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: He's a bad man, very racist, terrible anger problems.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: No one really likes him, honestly.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: But we all fake a smile for uh the will.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: My grandpa's always like, build that wall.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: We're like, Oh hi, Grandpa! The sad thing's happening to my grandpa, but it happens to everyone when they get old, they hate on the youth.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: That sucks when like old people hate on Gen Z and millennials.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: My grandpa's always doing that shit.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: He always gets mad about participation trophies.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: You ever hear that shit?
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: My grandpa's always like, you kids are so spoiled back in my day, you had to fucking win, man.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm always like, yeah, Grandpa, you didn't need participation trophies because you refused to compete against black athletes.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty easy to get a trophy back then, Grandpa.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, no, we are pretty good at basketball.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then you see the old videos, they're all dribbling like this.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: They all got goggles on, they're getting allergy shots at halftime.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: They're all passing like, heads up, Gerald, you know.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: The shorts are up to here because they didn't have to worry about the dick peeking out, yeah, you know.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, come on.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: We're having fun.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: When we were going back to my grandpa's party, I was texting my like younger cousin, she's like 18 or whatever, and she was like, I don't know.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm worried, I'm worried what grandpa's gonna say this year.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: He's what racist stuff is he gonna say this year?
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think you have to look at life from grandpa's perspective, though.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, what fucking woke cuck shit is that little snowflake gonna invent this year?
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, oh what now?
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: Is Shrek black?
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't get gonorrhea in Saigon so the purple Eminem could be bisexual.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: I did that joke at a show recently, and a lady got mad at the joke, but she actually had a good point.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, your grandpa's 98, Saigon, that's the Vietnam War.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_01: He would have been way too old to fight in the Vietnam War.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't really make sense.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: And that is true.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: My grandpa served in the Korean War, and I used to say that, but Americans are so fucking stupid, they have no idea the Korean War even happened.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we fought over barbecue.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then I tried to do a joke where I taught about the Korean War, and this young woman was like, why should I learn about the Korean War?
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: How does that affect my life?
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Well, your grandpa fought in it, that's why he hit your grandma.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: Your dad saw him hit your grandma, that's why he hit your mom.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: You saw your dad hit your mom, that's why you do ketamine.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's incredibly important, actually.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: There's all those other culture war things, too.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like my grandpa, you ever hear this?
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: He's always like, You kids are so weak, you get peanut allergies.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have fucking peanut allergies.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you did, dude.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: The doctors were just stupid.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_01: The doctors are like, well, Jeremy gets seizures around peanut butter.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we think he's gay.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: Uh keep him away from nuts.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: Uh or like old people act like something's new that's been around forever.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, old people are like, kids these days are eating ass.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't eat ass when I was a kid.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell eating?
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's like we didn't invent eating ass in a coffee shop in Bushwick in 2012.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: You're just a fing loser, grandpa.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: My grandpa's like, who would ever eat it?
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I don't know.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: Someone who loved grandma.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: That was great, you guys were great.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: Have a good night.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.