Latest / Becoming Irresistible / Season 2, Episode 2: What to Say When It Happens - Teaching Kids How to Respond to Bullying in Real Time

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Season 2, Episode 2: What to Say When It Happens - Teaching Kids How to Respond to Bullying in Real Time · Becoming Irresistible

• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Becoming Irresistible.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Jaya George, your high achievement lifestyle strategist and irresistibility expert.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: In our last episode, we were talking about bullying, and I want to continue today by giving you real life practical examples of how to respond so that you can utilize what we learned last week and actually use it practically.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: So this is the episode about what to say when bullying actually happens and teaching your kids how to respond to bullying in real time.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If your child is coming to you and saying something like, they said this to me, they keep doing this, they laughed at me.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: In that moment, I know you're feeling two things at the same time.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're feeling protective and you're feeling unsure because you want to help, but you also know that whatever you say next really matters.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to set them up in their life for a protocol on how to respond every time they encounter the situation.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And most of us were never taught what to say or do that would actually be effective.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So we default to the things that we heard, like just ignore it or stand up for yourself or tell the teacher.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes those things help, but a lot of times they don't.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to show you the things that I've introduced on the last podcast and how to address not just what bullying is, but exactly what your child can say, how they can say it, and how you can help them actually use it in the moment.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And as you listen, I want you to imagine something.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine your child in that moment again, but this time they respond differently because of how you've coached them.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: When they respond differently, the outcome will be different.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about the five responses.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've mentioned these in the last episode.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want you to think of them as just responses, but more as techniques.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because techniques are things that kids can use, not something they feel forced to say.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So think of them as ways of responding that will remove the reward that's continuing the bullying.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And when you hear them, notice what feels natural because that's where you need to start.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of just giving you the responses, I'm gonna walk you through some actual moments that might happen, real moments, the kind your child might actually face.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: When you hear them, I want you to first imagine your child in that situation.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can visualize them.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not as the perfect competent version of themselves, but just them being there.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's when you can guide them better.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So let's try this first one.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's called neutral agreement.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a scenario: your child is at school and someone looks at them and says, Why do you always wear that hoodie?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now notice what usually happens: there's a pause, there might be tension, maybe your child is trying to come up with an explanation or defend themselves or try to justify, and that's where the loop normally starts.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: But let's imagine this instead.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Your child just shrugs slightly and says, Yeah, I guess I do, or I like this.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then nothing.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: They don't explain, they don't defend, they just move on.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And when you picture that, you can feel it, right?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's no, there's nothing to grab onto, there's nothing to argue with, there's no reaction to amplify.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And without that, the moment falls flat.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why it loses its steam.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the second response I mentioned in the other podcast was a self-joke.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine a different moment.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Your child is walking into a classroom and someone says loudly, Did you even brush your hair today?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's laughter, a few heads turn.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: This has an audience.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is the audience reaction we mentioned.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, instead of freezing, your child just smiles slightly and says, Honestly, I gave up halfway through the morning.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe they even shrug.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then notice what happens.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: The laughter is going to change.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: It might be laughter, but laughter with your child and not with the person making the comment.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to soften, it shifts because now they're not being laughed at.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: The laughter is because of them or with them.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: They are part of the laughter.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: They're not being laughed at.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: The laughter is involving them or even attributed to them.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so they're part of the moment.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes away the attention from the person who made the comment.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And the moment they own it, that's when they can control it.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the response number three is a calm question.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine something more direct.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Someone says, geez, that's so weird.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And they're looking at your child.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: This feels really personal.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: It feels very pointed.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of reacting emotionally, what if your child just looked back at them and says, What do you mean?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Calm, simple, no edge.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And when you picture that, notice what happens.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Everything slows down.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: The other child now is put on the spot and has to explain.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And often they can't.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because teasing, bullying, the reactions have to be fast.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: But when you slow it down, the clarity takes away that reaction that is required to keep the bullying going.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it requires effort from the person who is doing the behaviors considered the bullying behavior.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: It requires them to think.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: People who are bullying don't want to do.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So they're less likely to engage with that individual again.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, response type number four is a frame shift.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now imagine this: someone says, I can't believe you like that.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's dismissive, it's judging, and trying to define what's normal.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And your child says, Yeah, I do.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or I think it's cool.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And notice what happens: the entire meaning shifts because your child didn't accept the judgment.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Too often, because you're the target of the bullying, you accept whatever the other person is saying to you.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, even as an adult, you can experience this.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I happen to be a very sensitive person in terms of knowing what other people are saying, and sometimes the intention of what they're trying to do.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't like to get into conflict.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes it's easy to just accept other people's judgment of a situation over your own or over the fact that you have an equal participation in that judgment.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And you're allowed to not accept other people's judgment.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And instead, you can even replace it.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what doing this is.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's cool.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to think it's cool.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And when you install a new meaning there, not only does the meaning change, but the power dynamic changes.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: The power shifts back to you, the or the person being bullied.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: You get to reclaim that power.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now imagine another scenario.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Someone keeps going with a second comment, a third comment.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: They're really trying to get a reaction.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you can feel it building, and your child just says, All right, and turns and walks away.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's no drama, there's no emotion.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you really picture that, you realize something.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: That that person was waiting for one more reaction, but it never came.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then the loop ends.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I want you to notice: none of these responses require being loud, aggressive, or confrontational.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: They require something much simpler.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not feeding the moment, not feeding the reaction that that person needs to keep it going, not feeding the emotional response to keep it going.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And slowing it down so that the rush is not there.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you can imagine your child trying even one of these, you might start to feel something shift.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I encourage you to coach your child on these types of responses.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because right now, they're not stuck in the moment.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: They do have options.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when a child feels like they have options, they can respond differently.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: All of what we're teaching here at My Irresistible Life is teaching a huge array of tools to have in your toolbox for different scenarios in life.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And when your child is equipped with a toolbox that is rich and full, there's not going to be a lot of situations that are going to overwhelm them because they're going to have so many tools at their disposal.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I'd love to give you here.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, this bullying may not occur later in life as bullying, but you can see this happening still in microactions and people's responses over certain things.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: The bullying still will continue just in a tinier format throughout life.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: You will find the same scenarios.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: You might even identify with this now as you're hearing this podcast for yourself as an adult and think, oh, now I get why that person is keeps egging on this particular subject or keeps chasing this one topic, even though they know it bothers me, right?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like they you might say something, or they might know something that is important to you, and they might keep poking at it, poking at it, poking at it, because of that reaction they want to get from you, or that response that they're looking to get to feed themselves.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you can use this even into adulthood.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I felt like this was such an important episode, because it's not just about bullying today, it's about learning how to deal with situations that might be hostile, that where somebody might feel isolated, left out, targeted.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that can happen at any point in life.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to also say that walking away is not weakness.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: One important lesson I learned in my life is that fighting it takes two people.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And even when it feels justified and it feels sometimes like the right thing to do.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: If if there's an option to walk away, it's not weakness.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: As Mr.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Miyagi said in Karate Kid, the best defense is no be there.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: But of course, there's situations, as we know, where you can't leave.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what these responses are for.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: For when you do have to interact, when you are forced to stay in a situation with people and the behavior continues, then these are some of the options you can use.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when you have this many options, you won't feel so helpless, and your child won't feel so helpless.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you listen to part one, you'll understand the various types of scenarios and which ones will work better in which situations.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna just quickly go back through to remind you of what will be useful in various scenarios, but if you want to get the more details on that, go back and listen to part one.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: So remember the type one we talked about was reaction-seeking teasing.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's like little comments and jabs.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And here is where the neutral agreement, the self-joking, and flat responses work the best.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: In the second type, we talked about performative bullying when you have an audience.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: In this scenario, the self-joking works.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: The frame shift, the frame shift being not accepting the judgment, saying something's cool just because you think it's cool, or just accepting that I do this because I do this, or I think this because I think this.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's the frame shift.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that works well also here in the audience type of teasing, the performative type of teasing, or calm control or calm questioning.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: That works well here.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: The third type we mentioned type of bullying is the repetitive personal targeting, which is the same person, same target, and repeated comments.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Those work well again with the calm questioning, the neutral tone, and not engaging emotionally, slowing down the response, asking what they mean, trying to get them to think about their answers.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: That works well here.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And the other type is group exclusion.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this is a difficult one.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: What works more here is strengthening parallel connections with other friends and encouraging different environments and reinforcing their self-esteem and their own identity.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, the aggressive type we mentioned before, this can be physical.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is where it might need uh adult intervention and some clear boundaries, and maybe even changing their environment, because this is this is the one where you really have to be concerned about safety more than just the emotional effects, but actual physical safety.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: So that one, if those social responses aren't working initially and it's escalating, then that's something that may need to involve an adult, an adult or uh authority figure.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to go through how you should actually teach this because knowing these responses is one thing, but then learning them in a practical way to employ them at the right time is another thing.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Hearing the responses and doing it, it's two different things.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you all know that because we all know what it m means to look at someone skating or doing gymnastics, but then if you had to do it yourself, that'd be a different thing, right?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: You actually have to acquire different skills to employ something practically and physically.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: In the moment, your emotions will take over, and especially with children, their emotions take over.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if we want our kids to actually use these, we don't just explain them or tell them.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: We practice, right?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: You have to practice them.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: You have to create safety first.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: You don't start with correcting them, you start with connecting with them.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: So here's something you could say to your kids.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if something like that happens again, do you want to try?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a few different ways you could respond.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: See, there's no pressure, no judgment.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're just inviting them.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: And the best way to practice it is role-playing.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can say to them, all right, I'll say something and you try out one of your responses and you keep it light, almost playful.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and then you start throwing at them some teasing comments.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: For example, why are your shoes like that?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the child tries one of the responses, and you can clarify to them which one is which.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can say, try a calm response.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them to ask a calm question back.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: And whatever they say, just support it.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: You don't say, that's wrong.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: You say, hey, let's try another version.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: It might be more effective, or let's just try out a different version.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see how that lands.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: You do this a few times, not all in one day at once.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can try it at different occasions because repetition over time is what builds familiarity and confidence.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Doing it once and then thinking you've got it handled is probably not going to be realistic in this type of scenario where emotions run high, where somebody may not be comfortable doing this or saying these things naturally.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you might want to repeat this at several different times, several different occasions.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: The more they practice, the more natural it will feel until one day, when it really happens, it will just come out.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when something does actually happen, again, don't lead with correcting them.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Be inquisitive, be curious, ask them, what did you feel like saying?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then say, okay, next time let's try these options.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe we can come up with some better responses for the next time.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is the most important part.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just teaching them the words to say, you're shaping their identity.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: And you can do that by reinforcing, hey, you handle that really calmly.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like really highlight the things they did well.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then move into improving.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: But don't correct them and say, oh, you should have said this.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, instead say, you know, you handle that really calmly.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: I like how you didn't overreact.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's control.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then the kids will repeat those behaviors because they'll start to believe that that's who they are.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let's step back for a second because there's something that's even more powerful than focusing on the response.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a fact that is known: kids that have even one close friend are far less likely to be bullied.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't require 10 friends or 15 or 20.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not based on popularity.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: You just need one.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because bullying really relies on isolation, imbalance, and audience control.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have even one friend, one good friend, there, it disrupts all three because it invalidates those comments, that targeting, it invalidates all of them.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: So what I want you to do alongside of coaching your kids on these types of responses is also ask yourself, where can my child feel more connected?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And with whom can my child feel more connected?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of focusing your aggression and anger on the bully and what they're doing, instead focus on where you can build strength.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I know this sounds counterintuitive because you feel like you should focus your energy on that and what's happening.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: But really, the shift, and that's what's going to be felt in that room, is when the attention and energy is moved away from that situation.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: If your child is focused, their energy and attention on situations and people who they're connected with, the bully is going to feel less likely to want to engage with them because number one, they're going to see they're not isolated.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, is they don't have a full assessment of what's going on in that energy dynamic.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so they're going to be less likely to bully your child.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: So alongside of coaching them on what to say and what to do in these situations, also focus on encouraging positive connections and strong connections that they can build in their environment.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Practical ways to do this is to encourage one-on-one friendships, facilitate play dates with children who seem supportive and who care about your child in a healthy way, help them to find shared interest environments, and support consistency in their social dynamics.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about forcing them to be popular, it's about creating belonging.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: And when a child feels anchored, they're going to move differently, respond differently, and often they get treated differently in a good way.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: So take a moment and notice how this all fits together.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's not one solution.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is a system.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: The system is number one, understand what the dynamic is, what the loop is, how the loop is creating a reaction, and what that reaction is doing.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: For the person who is initiating the behavior.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then two is understanding how to change the response, picking the right types of tools that will change that response.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Number three is practicing that response for use in real time.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: And number four is strengthening parallel connections so that your child will not be as much targeted or isolated for that kind of bullying behavior.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: My final message about this today is that your child doesn't need to become a different person in order to handle this.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: They don't need to be louder or tougher or more aggressive.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: They just need awareness, new tools that you're going to provide them, and your support and support from other more healthy relationships in their environment.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when they have those things, they won't just handle the bullying.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're going to move through the world differently.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: If this helped you, or you know someone else who's experiencing these issues and you think this might help them, please do share it.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you see this, you can teach it.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: And once you can teach it, you change more than just a moment.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to change how your child experiences people for a lifetime.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's our mission here at My Irresistible Life is to help you and your child create a life that you love living, just because this world would be such an incredible place if all of us were living a life that we loved living.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: And these tools are how we get there.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, I hope that you stay irresistible and help your child to find their own irresistibility.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, we have programs that teach principles of irresistibility.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Those are practical everyday tips and tools to help you move through interactions just like this.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: And also we teach concepts about what creates an irresistible life.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to, you're welcome to check those out on our website, myirresistible life.com.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: These basic and simple principles really help you move through life and make decisions that will make your life so much easier, so much happier, so much healthier, save you time, money, energy whenever you learn them.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: The worst part is if you don't learn these things and you realize later how easily they could have been prevented by knowing a few pieces of information that would help you make really smart decisions in your life.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I will see you back next time for the next episode of Becoming Irresistible.