Latest / Mathis Family Talks / Judge & Linda Mathis: What Kept Us Together for 41 Years? | Ep. 5

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Judge & Linda Mathis: What Kept Us Together for 41 Years? | Ep. 5 · Mathis Family Talks

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: We had to file bankruptcy, had to foul bankruptcy wouldn't work. Oh,
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I don't think I gave you what you needed. I
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: don't think I knew what to give.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: A wife is.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: You're supposed to be intentional about making your wife happy.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: I didn't know that. I thought you were just supposed
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: to make your kids happy. I failed.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: I'm still here, still here, grace of God.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I'm Judge Greg Matthews, and I am Linda Man. Welcome
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: to Matthew's Family Talks.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Here we are and two.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Of us together, we're gonna have a little lively conversation
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: talking about life since we began that journey together, started
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: in college, and take us all the way up through
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: the journey and we're currently contenu in.
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: And this year will be forty one years. That's right,
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: that's a lot of life live. Yeah, started out eighteen
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: years old, ye you twenty one.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: We were babies.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Well, when it was the first time you saw me,
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: where was I?
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: You were watching me con on campus playing three card mony,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: and then it was it before or after. I used
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: to sit in your room with your friend as my buddy.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: Used to talk to your friend and I'd sit there
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: and gaze at you. Was it before after we met
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: and I was down there flipping three card models, Oh,
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: it was for sure.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: After that was the first time I think I saw you.
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: It's when you walked by me to go enter, which
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: was our student union where all the students hung out
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: with pool tables.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: And that was the first time I saw you. Was
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: walking by, and I said, looked at you.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: You know, you strutted by.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: You kind of gave the person I was with, where
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: the leader later found out was your friend, and you
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: walked by, And when I think about it, in hindsight,
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: you guys did give each other a look.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: All of that.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: I'm sure the look was I'm about to go down here, man,
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: come on down, and you're gonna have to do this.
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: You're gonna have to pretend like you don't know me,
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: and you're gonna trick these students out of their money.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: I'm sure all that went down in that look, and
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: I didn't realize to look until afterwards. I said, that's
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: what was.
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: So you went down into the student union and we
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: proceeded to come down there after you were down there,
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: and you had already gathered some people around playing this
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: three caromally or you were trying to He walked up, Oh,
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna play. I'm gonna play, And of course he did,
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: what win? That was part of the con he was winning.
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: But my friend that I was with was from Flint, Michigan.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: She was, you are cheating. Yop. You guys know each
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: other and she flipped over the card. Yeah, and you
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: weren't too nice to her afterwards.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Yep, yep. And that's what really began our friendship, relationship,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: love and marriage.
• 3:18
  Speaker 4: You know, I gotta I gotta hop in. What was
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: your first impression of each other when you first met.
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: My first impression wasn't too good, I said, telling this,
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: telling my friend off, and he got really upset. I said,
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: I don't know what he's doing up here. I'm sure
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: he's not a college student.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: And you should have respected the fact that I was
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: a thug looking like Oh, I looked like a thug
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: and was acting like a thug and a hustler. And
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: I'm in college. But you didn't know I was in
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: college at that time. It wasn't until you found out
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: I attended there.
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: I assumed that any student up there, or any person
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: up there walking around on on the campus was in school,
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: but come to find out you were a student.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: But guess what, Your buddy, who.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: I assumed was a student, was not a student. He
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: was just hanging out on campus.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: He had a lot of games. He used to wear
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: the Detroit Lions football team jersey with a thing around
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: his neck, acted like he played on the Detroit Lions team.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: No, my experience was him wearing scrubs.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: That's right.
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: And then you needed to tell me that, Oh no,
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: I'm not a student here. I'm a student at University
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: of Michigan, which was right down the street.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: School med school there.
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: And so when I started to put all this together,
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: I'm like, these guys are up here hustling people.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: After that incident.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: No, you weren't very faithorfable to me. I know I
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: had and I felt I said, wow, that girl was bad.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Let me try to I say, I hope I see
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: us sometime soon. And when I did, I played my
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: best hand.
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: I said the same thing about you woo, that guy
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: was bad, but I was using in another.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Word bad meaning no good, no good. You know I'm
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: fine though.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: Yes, so it's definitely after that.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he did a lot of work after that. Oh yeah,
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: and I started saring Nadan you behind, walking behind you
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: when you was playing me off. And he recruited a
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: few of his buddies.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: But what do you mean, I recruited them, recruited them
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: to talk to me and tell me that you are great, interesting,
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: your kid, that you were interested.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: I ain't never had no man have to speak for me.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: And that's when. That's when we didn't have any cell phones.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: I never needed no man.
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: Well, he spoke for you because I guess he was
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: tired of following you around in order for you to
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: follow me, so he was tired of that, so he
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: spoke for you.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: You called me.
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: You guys call me on my dorm phone because we
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: had those back then. That's the only way we can
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: communicate with our friends. I think we had pagers, maybe
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: pagers and dorm phones. And you called me on the
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: dorm phone. Your buddy was on the phone and he
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: said hey, and that nickname came up.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: My buddy Scoy.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: Who's goy.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: That's my buddy, my buddy Scoy.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: He likes you. Nobody call and do that.
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: Oh yes, yes, And you're in the background, and I said, well,
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: he likes me.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: He needs to let me know something similar to that.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Let me take off my swag, I'll fit and put
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: on the square. I couldn't talk everybody. I forgot that part.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: Oh, I remember that distinct.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: I guess I want to block it out.
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: Let me take another look at this dude. That's exactly
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: what I thought. Let me take another look. But you know,
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: a purpose of college not just to get an education.
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: The purpose is to find your mate. But truthfully, I
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: wasn't looking for that. I think I was all of
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: two weeks at school, two weeks into my freshman year,
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: and here he comes.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: And when you told me that, because I didn't know
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: how long you had been on campus, when or at
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: the school. When you told me that, I said, oh,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: she's only been here for two weeks. I'm gonna snatch
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: her up before somebody else does. In no fresh meat.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: I was snatching you up is what we call cuff.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: I said, I'm gonna cuff her young, innocent suburban, particularly
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: when I first heard you from the suburb. I said,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: she was raised right her parents. She got a new car,
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: showing that her parents are pretty well off, and obviously
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: she's gone to good schools. Everything that had to do
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: with you, I said, I have to have her, and
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: I hope it leads to something serious, because I kind
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: of knew when I met you is ness, it would
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: be something I would want to live a life. When
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: I thought you, I thought I was hoping I qualify,
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: because you certainly did qualify as a lifelong mate that
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: first week. That first week, for sure.
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: Yep, let's talk about what attracted me to you. The
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: first thing would have to be look at it looking,
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: he wants to know. Of course, you know, attraction is
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: always the first thing. You know, how a person looks like.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: Them big muscles, the muscles, and them big thick legs
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: and that big behind. I had all the muscle, but
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I looked like a muscle man, didn't I.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: Of course you were just you were the direct opposite.
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: I have never seen anybody so slim in my life.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: You were the skinniest, slimmest dude I've ever seen.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: But the attraction was there.
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: And then the next thing was a good again, getting
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: to know you through all your stories, and the humor
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: that followed was the attraction first, then the humor the
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: conversations we had, and then he would get into his
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: what he always loves to do, talk about history, talk about.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: World of fans, yes, world affairs and different things.
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: And I was just impressed on how much this little
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: dude from the hood knew about world affairs, how much
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: you could talk and he made me laugh.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: But interesting that you liked the fact that I talked,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: because I don't know if I ever told you this.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: I liked the fact that you didn't.
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: I know you didn't.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: In fact, I remember telling choice we were talking about
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: your tributes. I said, man, she fine this see that,
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: I said. And plus she don't talk, she don't talk
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: back to me all the time.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: I know you got excited because I listened to all
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: your stories, laughed at all your jokes. I've been trying
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: to laugh for the last forty one years, to keep
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: laughing from hearing the.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: Same one open.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: Y'all know you always tell me you like you can
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: get irritated too. I've heard that before. I've heard that
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: before years.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: If you think about it, I probably heard each story
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: at well.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: You telling me, you telling everybody else.
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: It's ridiculous how many times I've heard stories so alything
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: I can do is start to, you know, maybe do
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: a little manicure while you're telling these stories and.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Now when I listen now, now, suddenly, for the last
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: decade or so, I talked too much and don't let
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: anybody have a chance to speak.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: But you know that was me, and that's what I
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: say to myself.
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: Whenever I get a little can't say anything, I say, oh,
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: that's what I signed up for. I say nothing new
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: and not pretending. I mean, are things you do I
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: have to look back on. This is who you are,
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: who you are, and it's the mouth goes.
• 11:11
  Speaker 5: I have a question real quick. Yes, who fell in
• 11:14
  Speaker 5: love first?
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: Of course he told me he loved me first.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, I told you and I fell in love first,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: no question about it. That's why I was really I
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: was really a plate boy when I met you. I
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: was in a steady relationship. I had a boyfriend.
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: I had a boyfriend, and you want some relationships. I know.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: We talked about that, and.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: We still hung out together. And then I stopped all
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: of that. I ain't nobody and fell out that love.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: You gotta be in love to break up all that
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: so called fun that a young man twenty one years old,
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: he got two women and all that old nonsense. So
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: I was in.
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: Love first, yes, And I had a study boyfriend who
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: was off in college. He wasn't doing the right thing,
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: and I guess I didn't do the right thing either.
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: After a while, you kind of influenced me to do wrong.
• 12:13
  Speaker 5: That's what happens is true love.
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: Let's just say that, okay, must have been true love,
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: because that boyfriend started to.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: The thought of him started to fade and fade.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: He wasn't doing too right either, and that affection started
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: to fade. And when he communedy came back on one holiday, yeah,
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: and asked me, what's going on or whatever that ever?
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: I told him.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: Man just shook my head.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: Broke the man's heart.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: It's over.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: I broke the man's heart. That's horrible. I feel bad
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: for the man.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: That man sat on my porch about an.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Hour and oh, I think you did tell me? And
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: it was the football fell at myself. I ain't gonna lie.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: The man was the football star at his school, the
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: quarterback at that Well, he gave up a good thing,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: that's all you sure did. I knocked him mouth for
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: it's a good thing.
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: Well, you two fell in love before any success. You know,
• 13:05
  Speaker 4: your backstory was you grew up struggling. When you all met,
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: you were and I didn't have a child, I didn't
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: have parents. Wasn't a housing projects when you were in college,
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: or was it?
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: That's a good point. Was I living in new housing
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: projects in college outside of college?
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: Well, originally you were in the dorms, then you moved
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: to a housing project, couldn't afford the dorm, and then
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: he recruited me to stay with him there at Rissingle night.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: With roaches coming down the wall.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: That's what we did. We slept on a full time.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Well, you know, as you said, my backstory is that
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: lost my mom, never had a dad, lost my mom.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: It was actually two years, two years after I had
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: lost my mother, I met you, and I yearned for
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: a family because at that time my brothers were living
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: a destructive life and one of the brothers wasn't part
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: of us anymore at all, quite frankly, kind of distancings himself.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: And then so I was I did want to have
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: someone to settle down and to be family with. And
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: part of the reason I fell in love with you
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: is that I saw a person with your background is
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: was willing to take a chance on someone with my background.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: I admired that, and that really endeared.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: Me to you and see that kind of ties in
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: with me too, because I was really impressed with the
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: fact that you didn't have parents.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: I was, and you were in college.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: You know, I was the first generation in my family
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: to go to college.
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: My sisters went, both of them they didn't finish.
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: So it was just a big impression on me that
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: you were in school, you didn't have any parents that
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: you were trying to impress or to. I guess maybe
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: you were your mother was deceased, you still wanted to
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: make her proud.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: You're proud.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: At the time, I probably didn't think about that, but
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: you know, it was all about you don't have anybody
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: to impress, You didn't have anybody to force you to go,
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: and so I just knew that this is a.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: Young man who has a lot of drive on his own.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: And that impressed me.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: Uh And I think that's why I shud tell people, Oh,
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: he this, this and that, and he's in school and
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: you know, he talks about this and talks about that.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: So it was very interested during that time.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: So yeah, on campus, I can remember, Yeah, you're right,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: had you coming over there to the projects, the only
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: housing projects outside of campus. I had to move into
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: and I think, yeah, I received food stamps too. I'm
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: not shamed to say once again I qualified no parents
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: and no job.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: So yeah, the hustling and the food stamps.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was fun, lots of fun. But I do
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: remember one thing that wasn't so much fun. Again, I
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: mentioned we to have cell phones back then, so I
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: had to sit by the phone whenever it was time
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: to finish upone cameras.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: And I sit by the phone and wait for you
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: to call, Hey, I'm coming on so we can get
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: on in the car and get to your back to
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: the projects.
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: That's so we had some good times and that yes.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know it was talking about you waiting. I
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: gotta say, yeah, I was still having fun, and perhaps
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: that leeds jumps forward, that we can jump forward from
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: that point to marriage and or after college, which I
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: graduated first a year or two before you, two years
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: two years before you I graduated, and so you were
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: still in school. I'm working in the city hall, and
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: we weren't a committed relationship. But I gotta tell you,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: when I married, I was having fun. They're still young,
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: and I do believe ultimately that I may have gotten
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: or we may have gotten married a little too early
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: because twenties you're still having fun. And I tell young
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: folks you might want to wait till you're about thirty,
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: particularly if you start life after college when you might
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: have been twenty three.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, a lot of things.
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: Could you look back on the progression of things, and
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: you can always say that, yeah, we should have waited,
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: But how would they have changed things waiting?
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: You know, when you're in.
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: College, I was at school, you had started your work career.
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: I was probably more than likely.
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: Being the faithful, honest girlfriend.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: You were moving, shaking.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: And doing things.
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: So to say that you should probably develop a little more,
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: it's probably the correct thing to say the same, even
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: though in my this is my world, my parents were
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: married at sixteen, so you almost look at you know
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: things that you know, and we met at eighteen.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: It was time for you to finish. I proposed five
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: months before you graduated, and I made sure that that
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: five months would wait one month before marriage. Right, they
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: give you a bus time at all.
• 18:36
  Speaker 6: Once again, I'm making sure I keep making you up there, right,
• 18:44
  Speaker 6: and so therefore most of it, I said, that's the
• 18:46
  Speaker 6: way it's supposed to be.
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: I finished school, I finished I think maybe April twenty fifth.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: It was married on June first.
• 18:56
  Speaker 4: Do you think life started moving a lot faster when
• 18:58
  Speaker 4: you two got married and you you didn't adequately prepare
• 19:02
  Speaker 4: for it?
• 19:02
  Speaker 5: What was that like?
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: Well, when we got married, I was so driven by
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: my career and wanting to live a life of purpose
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: and just it was progressing so quickly that the focus
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: was there, But being young again, I still wanted to
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: have fun. Our life after marriage was me preparing for
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: working a building a career. I was already working in
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: city Hall for city council, going to law school at
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: night or was that Tuesday and Thursdays? And then my
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: Wednesday nights I didn't have law school, so after work
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: I'd go to either a political reception or to the
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: political bar when a network at the bar, and come
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: home at that point about eight nine o'clock that you all.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: And then on Fridays that was my loose night. So
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: I really had two nights that one was socializing, but
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: typically socializing it because I had to go to the
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: political reception with or for my boss or a public event. Friday.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: I'm cutting loose, no question about it. And I don't
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: know how well that works for a marriage of every
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Friday you gotta have it, but Saturday Sunday I shut
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: down for you and the family. Well, tell your side
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: how you.
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: Viewed it before we start having children, when you weren't around.
• 20:39
  Speaker 3: My take was with my friends probably and then the
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: same thing, probably hanging out because I was young. I
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: was twenty two, twenty three hanging out, so there was
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: times hanging out. Of course, your shopping and stuff like that.
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: So just having social audience with friends.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: You were a little more.
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: Driven as far as in your career.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: I was an educator, so I worked.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: From nine to three ninety three o'clock.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: After three o'clock, I was off.
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: So you know, so I have my fun, probably not
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: as much fun as you, but that's.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: Why young men. All of my friends, my closest friends,
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: put it that way. My three closest friends or maybe
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: even five, My five closest friends didn't get married today.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: Were forty and here I am there in that thirties,
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: and I'm married at twenty five. They're twenty five, twenty six,
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: twenty seven. They still don't have anybody to come home to.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: They can do what they want. Total freeman, total freedom,
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: and that.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: Was something near you looked at it and said, what
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: have I gotten myself into? Hunh happen to be locked down,
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: have a wife to come home to. I bet those
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: friends I don't know who they are.
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: But I wonder they're still married, you know who the.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: Two of them, probably.
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: The white number two, white number three. Yeah, so we
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: did start young together and we're still here, still here,
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: race of God.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: And then came the baby real quickly.
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: What were those like those first years in your marriage
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: and stuff like that, well, you know, take it to
• 22:16
  Speaker 4: the real side. What were your like arguments about back then?
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: The real side, It probably was about money, you know, anything,
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: money and time in a Saturday.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Morning hangover would say that thou earlier. I was like, yeah,
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: I would always be with the kids. We go to
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: little sports to play their baseball and such as basketball.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: And I said, I yeah because I but I remember
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: being kind of hungover and I hope they didn't notice that.
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: And yes, yes, so mommy had to keep it moving.
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: And that's what I've learned to do in our relationship,
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: you know, I mean, because I always looked at myself
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: is being the caregiver of my children for their you know,
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: emotional caregiver, physical caregiver, and I guess like my father was,
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: even though it you know, my mother always worked.
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: My father, I looked at him as the provider.
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: My mom always worked, and then they eventually got businesses together,
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: but he knew when it came.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: To emotional support, it was my mother, you know what
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: I mean.
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: So I looked at that, and that's where I took
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: my q's from, and that's where how I handed up
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: my family.
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: Now, yeah, arguments probably back then we're mostly about.
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: Finances and maybe and then just about us having different
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: ideas of what I mayorg should look like. You know,
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: you thinking, okay, I'm young, I have to be with
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: my friends a lot. I'm thinking in the woman in
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: mind that okay, it's gonna be me, the kids, and
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: my husband a lot, you know, And sometimes it ended
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: up just being me and the kids. And I spent
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: a lot of time, you know, my sisters had young
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: kids then they were older than my kids, but we
• 23:56
  Speaker 3: all hung together. We spent a lot of time my
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: Friday nights where my mother house, but my mom and
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: dad's house had a big, big, nice house. We all
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: went there on Friday night, had dinner together and at
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: the kids play and did watch movies that was by
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: you know, basically my Friday and Saturday nights.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: Speaking of a man me in this case, knowing how
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: to be a husband and my observation and understanding of marriage.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: I had never seen a marriage. I had never been
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: around anybody in the housing projects. You couldn't have a
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: man staying there and receive uh Social social service benefits
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: or even stay in the projects. So I didn't see marriages,
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: and so I didn't know how to be a husband.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: And the socioeconomic background I came from all the men
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: they mistreat mistreated the women, and I kind of carried
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: that those values into our marriage because I didn't know
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: a lot. You know, who I learned to be a
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: husband from the best I could is from your dad.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: He's the first man I saw with a family for
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: an extending amount of time. Sure I see some at church,
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: but the kids didn't send with parents, and all that
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: is church and you go home. Guarding our relationship. We
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: started out and within a couple of years we were
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: pretty much in financial hardship. One because we had taken
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: on April my niece, our niece, my brother's daughter because
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: of his drug situation, and we pretty much raised her.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: And that was like within one year of marriage, right, yeah,
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: within within one year of marriage, we were we had
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: a child. Yeah, right, pretty much. Yeah, that's the fact. Yeah,
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: April was our child, and so that immediately and then
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: he'd come back and forth from his situation and come
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: live with us. We had to provide bought him as well.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: And mine was stressed out because I'm in law school
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: at night and I'm working during the day. So we
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: really were providing for two other people, want to being
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: a grown man, and so that was a lot of stress.
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: I think as a woman, I think with myself especially,
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: I think I was going to provide. I was going
• 26:24
  Speaker 3: to each and every day do what I need to
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: do to get through that day. And it was, like
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: I said, we had good times. We had good times
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: when we were younger. Yeah, we didn't have all the
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: money in the world. We had our niece me. Within
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: the first two years of our marriage, we had a baby.
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: It was it was stressful, but it was a lot
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: of fun going on too.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: And being young, Yeah, were worried.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: About again, you start having kids, Okay, how we're gonna
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: educate these kids? How are we gonna make sure that
• 26:51
  Speaker 3: they are able to take care of themselves when they
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: leave this household. So we had those burdens on us,
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: and that kind of played a part of us maybe
• 27:00
  Speaker 3: having some stress.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: I was playing college loans, a high level of college loans,
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: oh at that point, even before law school. Old over
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: fifty thousand and then had to pay a nice little chunk
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: of money every month and all the other things. And
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: I can remember being so stressed out that I would
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: be working on all type of and I wouldn't call
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: them get rich quick schemes, but all kind of business ideas.
• 27:29
  Speaker 3: Had manuals you don't produce, oh, all kinds of things
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: you were actually we had a downstairs basement.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: You would go down to that basement and sit on
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: the country.
• 27:38
  Speaker 5: Had all kinds of stuff around you.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: What you were gonna do? Now? I would come downstairs.
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: You sit there, folded up your little papers is doing
• 27:46
  Speaker 3: all kinds of writings.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: And didn't do half of those things.
• 27:50
  Speaker 3: The projection when they say you think about what you
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: might be doing in five years and what you could
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: be doing, you had all those skills and you just
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: didn't know.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: You know, let's not forget that we actually, if we're
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: talking about financial problems in our early marriage. She had
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: to file bankruptcy. He did, had to file bankruptcy. You
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: wouldn't work, you would work because I took on all
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: the burdens of my brother. And you remember, Kenny wrecked
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: my car, told me he was come out of rehab,
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: said he's going to unemployment office. Took my brand new
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: car out of that. I had gotten a couple of
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: years out of college, and next thing I know, I'll
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: get the call that your car has been total and
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: we can ensure it because of things that were contraband
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: that was in there as a result of that accident.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: But we still had to pay for the carr another
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: three years.
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: And stupid, but by thirty five that was too caring,
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: That's what I was.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: And stupid that's what I do.
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: But by thirty five, yeah, seven, all out of that
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: and the new house, all kind of good stuff going on,
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: and unfortunately.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: We had our house broken into several times.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: Several times.
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: Several times I've been well, sure, sure again, I'm coming home.
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: I'm coming home every evening from working six thirty am,
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: the six thirty period my daycare centers.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: I'm coming in.
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: Of course, in the winter time, it's dark at five o'clock.
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: I'm coming in with three babies, three four babies, trying
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: to get them into the house when it's dark. Oh,
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: I even walked up on some people that were coming
• 29:32
  Speaker 3: out of our house. And so no, I we've had
• 29:36
  Speaker 3: several break We had several break ins.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: And that was the scary.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: Part about this shoe was more than too huh, it
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: was more than two.
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: Wow, you know, you were robbed mistakenly, even left my
• 29:45
  Speaker 3: purse in the car in our garage overnight and had
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: never did that before. That purse was gone the next day,
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: and it started to let us know that we're being watched.
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: You were judged then, and so we're being watched and
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: we're being preyed upon. And so that was a scary
• 30:01
  Speaker 3: thing for me, you know, the fact that you know,
• 30:03
  Speaker 3: like I said, we had moved around.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: I was robbed at my business.
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: Yes, one time, robbed by somebody that my business I
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: had approached.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: At my home.
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: I came into I came to our house and I
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: had gotten one child out and somebody was coming to
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: our basement window, some young people, and so yeah, it
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: was it was just a scary time, you know, you know,
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: and so we decided to go ahead and make that
• 30:28
  Speaker 3: move and move to what where we thought would be safer.
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: We didn't. We had no break INDs.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: But so fast forward and again, what do you think
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: changed after success? Quite frankly, you began You're and operated
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: and began preschools that ultimately became five in number, high success,
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: and I became a lawyer and a judge and television.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: What do you think changed? Perhaps meet perhaps from east period?
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: Money money, money, money, money, Yes, I think money makes
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: a big difference. You talked about the biggest stress in
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: the relationship can be money, you know, So therefore once
• 31:10
  Speaker 3: you get over that, everything else falls in the place.
• 31:14
  Speaker 3: If you have a caring relationship. And we had that,
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: so other things fell into place. You know, we had
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: our family trips, We were to spend more time with
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: the children because you didn't have to be all.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: You were still on. You were still on.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: I was about to say, let me, let's be frank
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: about it. I never really stopped that lifestyle of feeling
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: at least once a week I should be able to
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: let go with my guys, never stop that. Because all
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: of them were single men and once again not knowing
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: about how to behave in a marriage. I was filling
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: my way through and I think that lasted quite franklin
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: until I came to television. And after television, of course,
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: I'm moving three directions at all time time. So once again,
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: and I'm like your son, Emir, if you notice, I'm
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: sure you know. Friends meant a lot to me. Friends
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: meant a lot. And all my friends came from my childhood,
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: whether it was the destructive part of my childhood where
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: we were criminals or thugs, or the positive part of
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: my childhood, which was church and school, well church school,
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: I was destructive, and so that's primarily what I continued
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: to be drawn to.
• 32:41
  Speaker 3: What you're saying, in the fact that you hanging on
• 32:43
  Speaker 3: to your lifelong friends and that's who you feel.
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: I think that's almost normal.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: I mean, spending too much time and desiring to spend
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: too much time with it people I have the most
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: affinity for. And all my close friends happen to be
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: from the hood. And so if my affinity is for
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: the hood, that is those who are socially and economically undeserved,
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: as they say it now, and my friends are from that.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: So that's what I relate to most, and that's why
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: I'm always trying to move back to Detroit.
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I miss anything.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: I think you should miss me being a better husband
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: with regard to knowing what to expect of a husband.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: You saw your father, so you knew what to expect.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: I don't think I knew what to give. Even if
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: it's the connection I looked at marriage less of let's
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: stay connected, but more of let's move forward. This is
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: all about a family unit moving forward and raised in
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: a great family and providing and counseling and uh those
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: things and disciplining. And instead of saying I spent less
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: time saying focusing on our marriage, that's what I think
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: that I failed to deliver on. I don't think I
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: gave you what you needed?
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: Okay, okay, And so do I miss that.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: You that's what I'm saying.
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: That's not that might not be the right answer to.
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: That missing I didn't say. I wouldn't saying I guess
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: miss in terms of you desiring it and not getting it.
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: I was perhaps I was saying you didn't get it,
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: and so that should have been something I did. But
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: I missed the mark or you miss getting it.
• 34:47
  Speaker 3: And I think I kind of like came to the
• 34:50
  Speaker 3: conclusion that this is us and not my parents. This
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: is what our reality, and so therefore I just moved
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: in that direction. If this is how our marriage is structure,
• 35:01
  Speaker 3: this is how I'm going to move in this structure.
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: And I did what I had to do in that
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: structure to move, you know what I mean, whether it
• 35:08
  Speaker 3: be like I say, I spent a lot of time with.
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: Family and friends, you know.
• 35:11
  Speaker 3: I mean when you were out doing your thing, you know.
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: And I just think with any relationship, you're always learning.
• 35:17
  Speaker 3: You're always learning, You're always hopefully moving forward and building
• 35:21
  Speaker 3: stronger connection with each other. And even after forty one years,
• 35:25
  Speaker 3: you still have to understand that you want to be
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: with each other.
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: That's all to it.
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Someone asks me perfect how I love had changed
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: over the years. You've been together forty years? How did
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: it change in what ways? And I told them they
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: are stages. There were stages of love, if you will.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: Of course, at the beginning it's for love, starry eyed
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: and lest fold and marriage. Then you started life together.
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: But then unfortunately, if you go too young, you might
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: not be together as much as you need to grow
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: that relationship at that stage. But then comes the love
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: that you share in raising a family.
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: I was gonna say that, you know that that's important
• 36:19
  Speaker 3: to me, the fact that you can look back and
• 36:21
  Speaker 3: see I mean, those emotions even that come with raising
• 36:24
  Speaker 3: the family and knowing this is what you built together.
• 36:27
  Speaker 3: You know, I always told you that I always wanted kids.
• 36:31
  Speaker 3: After I had my kids and they became young adults,
• 36:35
  Speaker 3: what did I want next? Grandkids? You know, And so
• 36:38
  Speaker 3: just to look at my grandkids and to look at
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: the legacy, I mean, that's it's just so important to.
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: Me, uh huh. And it's it's.
• 36:48
  Speaker 3: Really it's endearing to see the fact that they can
• 36:54
  Speaker 3: look at us, you and me, and you know, Grandma
• 36:59
  Speaker 3: and granddad at and then what's so special about our family?
• 37:03
  Speaker 3: Not only do they have grandma and granddad, they have
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: great grandma and great granddad.
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: We're been together how many years?
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: And I think there's stages of love. I see it
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: with your parents, and I felt it with us, the
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: stages of love. I saw your dad in the early
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: days focused and they built business together, and yeah, I
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: saw some love there, but I also saw a hyper
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: focus on their growing their business and they did a
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: great job. And what happened after that well, they came
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: closer because they had more time together, and ultimately when
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: they sold their businesses and retired, I saw a whole
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: different level of love. And now that there was with us,
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: I see another level of love.
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: I wonder what level are we at right now?
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: And that's what I'm about to go to.
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: I'm down.
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: I want to know I'm down. I'm giving you no.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: But so with us it was. That's why I'm making
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: the same comparison. It was pretty much very similar. And
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: that is hyper focus on achieving your goals and then
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: so it's less focus on love and partner. Then as
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: success comes, is a little more. And then when you
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: arrive at a time in your life where things are
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: much easier and you can spend a lot more time
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: than it intensifies even beyond that. And so if you
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: ask me, I would say, we know that my hyper
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: focus on career kept me from demonstrating or giving the
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: type of love that I should have been giving, and
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: vice versa, I guess. And then as things transition had
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: to work in Chicago go however for twenty three years
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: and was able to spend fourteen days, seven months a
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: year at home and the others all month. When I
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: moved here to tape in LA and began to stay
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: in town for the most party, you know, all week
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: every month, not twelve fourteen days a month, the love
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: grew to another level. And then when the grandchildren came well,
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: that was around the time that I moved back here
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: to work from Chicago to Los Angeles. That was another
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: level of love. So in many ways, as I'm thinking
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: about it and we're talking about it, and I reflect
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: on your parents, I think it's time. I think it's
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: the amount of time you're able to spend and connect
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: to your partner or spouse is very much indicative of
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: the love you share with me.
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: You know, I just look back on things that used
• 39:58
  Speaker 3: to frustrate me. I think, you know, as a person,
• 40:03
  Speaker 3: you grow, you grow, and you start to realize what
• 40:07
  Speaker 3: do you really need in your relationship. And when you
• 40:11
  Speaker 3: figure it out what you really need, you go for
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: and pursue those things. And once you achieved those things,
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: I think the relationship shows a lot of love and
• 40:22
  Speaker 3: a lot of commitment. And when you realize that the
• 40:25
  Speaker 3: person that you married and in our case forty one
• 40:29
  Speaker 3: years ago, it's still the same person that you have today.
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: When it comes down to their core values and their
• 40:37
  Speaker 3: core responses to things. I can see all of that.
• 40:41
  Speaker 3: I said, nothing has changed, It's still the same. But
• 40:45
  Speaker 3: I'm just saying just who you are, you know what
• 40:47
  Speaker 3: I mean as a person, it's always about all right.
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: Now, let me get a Kamara on the phone.
• 40:52
  Speaker 4: I know Kamara had a question that you wanted to ask, Hello, Hey, Hey,
• 40:58
  Speaker 4: you are on the air right now. I know you
• 41:00
  Speaker 4: had a question that you wanted to ask.
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: Hello, Kamara, how are you hi?
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: Hey? Yes, I was just gonna ask.
• 41:11
  Speaker 3: How did you guys stay connected all these years and.
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: Stay to get despite having kids, despite you know, have
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: your own careers and your own goals.
• 41:23
  Speaker 3: Like what do you think connected you are while you
• 41:26
  Speaker 3: were so busy and it was it date nights?
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: Was it having fun?
• 41:29
  Speaker 2: And what was it our family?
• 41:32
  Speaker 3: I would say, our family connected us, you know, no
• 41:35
  Speaker 3: matter what was going on, we always looked at the
• 41:39
  Speaker 3: fact that we were family and we had these kids
• 41:41
  Speaker 3: to raise and that was important to us to make
• 41:44
  Speaker 3: sure you all went into adulthood with feeling secure.
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: Yep. And I think it was the focus on the
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: family and they shared love amongst the family. You know,
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: I often tell people. Aside from college, the best years
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: of my life was when you always one to fifteen,
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: because after that you don't want to be bothered with us.
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: It's all about friends. And so in that sense you're connected,
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: you know, comar quite frankly, like any other couple who've
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: been together and raise children. When the children leave, you
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: don't know what to do with each other. So we
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: had to rediscover that connection. And it became through going
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: out together, and it became being alone and being forced
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: to talk to each other. And so that's how it
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: kind of, quite frankly, we lost that connection while raising
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: the children because it was the focus on the children
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: and the family unit. And so when it came to
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: just she and I, but you gotta rather rediscover it.
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: You gotta have sex. Hey, you gotta have sex. And
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: that keeps you connected literally and figuratively brings you together
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: every time. Okay, all right, you were being a helpmate
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: and a provider, and so that made double work for you.
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: It wasn't until we kind of took a deep breath.
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: A wife is you're supposed to be intentional about making
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: your wife happy. I didn't know that. I thought you
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: were just supposed to make your kids happy. Oh, you
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: have to go places with your wife even after the
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: kids graduate and lead.
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: Ouse is still there, is still there.
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: You're supposed to come up with stuff to talk about
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: and endear yourself and connect to after everybody is gone. Oh,
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: I didn't know that. So when you find that out,
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: it makes a difference in the marriage, and it makes
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: a difference in a partnership. And then I have a
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: question for you all.
• 43:58
  Speaker 4: You know, through this love and life that you all
• 44:02
  Speaker 4: have had, what's the biggest thing two things that you
• 44:07
  Speaker 4: think that is the biggest thing that we should repeat and.
• 44:12
  Speaker 5: Going on our love lives and our marriages and.
• 44:14
  Speaker 4: Our relationships, And what's the biggest thing you think we
• 44:17
  Speaker 4: should try to avoid.
• 44:20
  Speaker 5: Take your time and think about it.
• 44:22
  Speaker 3: I would say, really, the biggest thing is finding somebody
• 44:25
  Speaker 3: you're compatible with. And compatible means that means a lot
• 44:29
  Speaker 3: of different areas, you know. And as I mentioned to me,
• 44:33
  Speaker 3: what's important is being able to communicate with each other.
• 44:35
  Speaker 3: But after that is happening, that to me, that's sexual
• 44:38
  Speaker 3: desire toward each other, and that can go in and
• 44:42
  Speaker 3: out in a long term relationship, but it should always
• 44:45
  Speaker 3: to me, it should always be there.
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: Well, I think that shared values are perhaps the most important.
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: So I think if I were to do it over,
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: I would spend I would try to I would try
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: to provide the dual love and attention and nurturing and
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: intimacy that was only one sided for the most part
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: while you all were growing up. I think you all
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: I deposited perhaps a disproportionate amount of love to the
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: family structure, and so I would try to be a
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: little more ballanced in that. That's what I think I
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: would do differently. And what I would do primarily is
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: make sure and work towards work towards having the same
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: values so that in the big picture type thing, you know,
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: someone who's financially literate at some point, someone has a faith,
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: someone who has faith in God, someone who believes in
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: educating and preparing their children for success. Those key values
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: is what I think must be present, uh and are
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: very much leads to successful families. Love it, Thank you, And.
• 46:21
  Speaker 4: What legacy do you hope to leave in terms of
• 46:26
  Speaker 4: family love and all those things?
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: You know? I want to show the children how my
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: grandchildren and great grandchildren. That means you always have to
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: pass that part on how to love, how to love
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: family and how to remain a family unit and to
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: remain a strong family unit and support each other all
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: the way through. You know, the last words my mother
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: said to me and my brothers when we were surrounding
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: her death bed at the hospital and they told us
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: she was about the transition, she said, you all go
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: to church, and you take care of each other. And
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: so that's legacy that has stuck with me. And I mean,
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: damn if my brothers didn't take that literally. At least
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: Stephen Kennedy, I had to take care of him joking,
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: I said, I thought her. I said, I believe y'all
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: take what Mama said literally. What she said take care
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: of each other. I think she meant emotionally, not financially,
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: and to go to church. And so that's the type
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: of legacy I think I passed on to you guys.
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: Church and education, and so those are the values I
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: want to convey. And community church, education and community and
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: service to your community.