Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 46: The Neuroscience of Sexual Response: From Noticing to Obsession

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46: The Neuroscience of Sexual Response: From Noticing to Obsession · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey, everybody, here's what we got for the podcast today.
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  How often has your partner or somebody else asked you what you
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  experience inside your brain from, I don't know, fantasy to,
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  hey, who are you looking at? And you find yourself confused,
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  how do I articulate this? How much do I tell them?
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  What do I tell them? We're going to go through that
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  today, give you some language for it.
• 0:25
  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
• 0:27
  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
• 0:30
  in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
• 0:32
  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
• 0:36
  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
• 0:39
  about a single action or a moment.
• 0:41
  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
• 0:44
  a rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
• 0:47
  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
• 0:50
  regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
• 0:53
  beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
• 0:55
  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
• 0:59
  your authentic self. Because when you dare to show up
• 1:01
  fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
• 1:04
  So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
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  OK, don't turn off the podcast yet.
• 1:10
  I'm going to give you the name of it.
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  And I don't know if it'll be that exciting, but I'm telling
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  you, if you hang on and there'll be some good meet here, but
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  we're going to talk about the neuroscience, the brain and the
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  sexual response. So we're going to talk about the
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  spectrum from noticing to fantasy and beyond.
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  Sounds like a Star Trek episode. OK, so I'm going to go back to
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  what I said earlier. When D-Day happens and your
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  partner finds out about a bunch of hiding and they say, hey,
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  tell me more. I want to know about what you
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  experienced. I think the question that I have
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  or people have often is how much do I share and what do I share?
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  And they go, well, before we get to that part, I kind of have to
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  know what is it that you're experiencing before you start
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  telling people what you're experiencing?
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  Do you know what you're experiencing?
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  So I'm going to give you 6 levels or a spectrum from
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  noticing to fantasy and beyond. OK, So let me just say in real
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  quick and then we'll go through them.
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  So the first stage is it's the initial noticing, it's the
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  stimulus response. So it's the automatic brain
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  response if I see something, OK. And then you have the second
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  level which is awareness and acknowledgement.
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  That's like the conscious noticing.
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  I noticed it subconsciously. Now I actually notice it.
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  And then the next, the next level is interest and
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  engagement. So this is where the decision
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  point lines. This is where dopamine gets
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  involved. Then you have the 4th 1, which
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  is cog into the engagement. So that's the mental
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  storytelling. This is where fantasy actually
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  is, all right. And then we have the fifth one,
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  which is fixation and obsession. So this is where like the loss
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  of the agency, the loss of choice is going to start to
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  happen. This is where habits are formed.
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  And then you have the 6th 1, which is like the compulsive
• 2:59
  acting out. That's where your reward systems
• 3:02
  hijacked. All right, OK, so let's break
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  these down even further because you're like Luke, that was fast.
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  But let's talk about examples and what's actually go on behind
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  each one of these. And again, the reason is, is so
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  I can articulate, I can understand it for myself and I
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  can understand how it impacts me and what my patterns are in it.
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  And then I can articulate it to somebody else.
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  And then I know what's the question I was asking is what's
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  normal and in fact, kind of embarrassing feels like now.
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  But I was asking the one of the first questions I asked the
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  therapist was how does a normal man's brain work?
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  And yeah, we're going to talk about that.
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  All right? Because I didn't feel normal,
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  not with what I did. All right, So first one is that
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  stimulus SAS perception. If you're the betrayed partner,
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  if the other person has been hurt, this can be really, really
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  triggering. And I just want to acknowledge
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  that. And please don't go to your
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  partner and say, hey, guess what Luke said and I'm normal and you
• 4:00
  weaponize it and use it against them.
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  OK? So just be careful with that.
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  So the first one, it's an automatic response to notice.
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  OK, so the brain region that's involved here is the visual
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  cortex, the amygdala, right? So I see something, I see
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  someone and our there's quickly a filter of sensory input and
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  that sends visual information and there's some processing done
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  around it. And the amygdala, which is
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  responsible for that emotional piece that detects whether
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  there's stimulus relevant there, is there stimulus there?
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  And this happens before conscious thoughts.
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  You're automatically noticing. This is biological.
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  It's evolutionary response. Noticing isn't a choice.
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  But don't weaponize that against your partner because I did not.
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  This is not a pass because there's levels deeper we're
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  getting to right now. All right, So the next level is
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  this awareness and acknowledgement.
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  So it's not conscious noticing that prefrontal cortex weighs in
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  OK, the anterior cingulate cortex.
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  Just to make myself sound super cool.
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  I'm joking is involved. So our brain notices attraction
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  notices. I won't even use the word
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  attraction notice the stimuli and a prefrontal cortex steps in
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  and it decides what to do with that stimulus.
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  And remember it's not just stimulus around it's like sexual
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  stimulus. It's like am I safe?
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  Am I, am I OK because our brains always doing that.
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  And so The thing is, do I keep thinking about this or do I let
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  it go? So the more someone practices
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  awareness of themselves, the stronger this part of their
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  brain gets so that prefrontal cortex becomes a regulating
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  thoughts. We're going to take a quick
• 5:47
  break for a moment. I want to let you know of some
• 5:49
  things that we have coming up at Choose Recovery Services.
• 5:53
  I'm very excited to tell you about the unmasked intensive we
• 5:56
  have coming up in May. It's May 13th through the 16th
• 5:59
  in Spanish Fork, UT. The name of the intensive is
• 6:03
  unmasked past to authentic masculinity.
• 6:06
  Let me tell you some of the things we're going to
• 6:08
  accomplish. We're going to explore some root
• 6:10
  causes like at the end of the day, what's underneath this
• 6:12
  behavior? What's the why behind it?
• 6:15
  What's the insights into understanding why my behavior
• 6:18
  existed? The one that kept me in secrecy
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  and hiding. We're going to embrace
• 6:22
  vulnerability so we're confront a lot of the struggles of that
• 6:26
  non judgmental space so you can foster more authentic
• 6:30
  connections with the people that you love.
• 6:32
  We're going to realign with your values.
• 6:35
  We're going to learn new coping strategies and we're going to
• 6:37
  afford some authentic connection.
• 6:39
  We're going to build a lot of camaraderie to hear that
• 6:41
  happens. I wanted to share with you what
• 6:44
  previous participants have said about this transformation.
• 6:48
  So here's what one guy said. I'm just going to read it to
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  you. I love the connection with those
• 6:52
  around me. It was eye opening to learn how
• 6:54
  to open up and show love for myself and be OK with what's
• 6:58
  going on inside of me, no matter how hard or ugly I may see it.
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  I specifically remember this man saying this and just being
• 7:07
  astounded by like wow from around people that really open
• 7:10
  up. What can I explore and learn
• 7:12
  about myself is intensive. He found it be really eye
• 7:14
  opening. So anyway, For more information
• 7:17
  and reserve your spot, go ahead and visit our website and we'll
• 7:20
  provide some information for you and then take the time to invest
• 7:25
  in yourself so you can start to lean in, in a more authentic way
• 7:29
  in your life. Looking forward to seeing you
• 7:31
  there. Well, let's get back to our
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  episode. So check this out.
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  Now we get to that third part, which is the interest and the
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  engagement. So that's the decision point.
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  All right, So this is where a decision is made because
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  dopamine begins to activate. So the brain regions that are
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  involved here is the nucleus accumbens.
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  And if attraction persists and that stimuli persists, the
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  dopamine system activates. So it lights up, right?
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  And dopamine is that motivation, that's anticipation that
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  something is good is going to happen.
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  So that's going to that's going to bring a bunch of pleasure and
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  then we're going to start going, is this rewarding?
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  So what we do is we notice is the attraction or that stimuli
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  alone doesn't create addiction. However, if person repeats in
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  that over and over again that objectification to that fantasy,
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  the brain reinforces that and that's that next piece.
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  But before we go to the next piece, we have to notice the
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  dopamine hits right here. OK, this is where it starts, and
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  that's the start of the addictive process.
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  If I don't notice that. So what men do in our groups,
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  they've been kind of taught to push, suppress emotion,
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  feelings, not notice them, fix them.
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  Instead, we're going to create awareness around them of oh, I
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  feel something. I feel that.
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  What is that to get curious about what they're feeling and
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  that's going to create. That's going to continue in a
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  human experience compared to an animalistic survival mechanism.
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  So 4th level cognitive engagement.
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  This is the mental storytelling and fantasy.
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  This is impactful to me. And maybe it's a soapbox is
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  soapbox ish. And I know, but I feel so much
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  for our partners that we hurt so much because they think fantasy
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  is like the first step and it's the fourth.
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  This is the default mode network that takes over.
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  So our brain is like brain is like a person's allowed
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  attraction to grow in a fantasy. OK, so this was not the first
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  step. Fantasy wasn't.
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  And it pulls in all these past experiences creating a like an
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  elaborate narrative. And the longer fantasy
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  continues, the stronger the natural connection becomes.
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  So this is a rewiring based upon these repeated patterns.
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  So fantasy isn't dangerous because it's somebody else
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  that's not your partner, or maybe it is even your partner.
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  It's the fact that you're not in reality anymore.
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  And it's creating this false narrative that what reality
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  actually is that it's not. And it's rewiring your brain in
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  that way. So it's ingrained and it's
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  automatic. And by the way, you can't just
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  like wire or rewire your brain quickly.
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  It takes a long time to fall into patterns.
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  I'll say this really quick. That's why we have to be really
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  careful to label addiction in childhood is because you don't
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  just get addicted quickly. It takes a while for those
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  things to come into play. So often we get that addict
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  label to somebody too early and those patterns, I feel like I
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  could just trigger a bunch of people with that.
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  So I'm going to leave that alone.
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  It's just, I'm just saying be careful with the label because
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  if I'm going to rewire my brain, it's going to take a long time,
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  OK. And it doesn't mean we can't be
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  a private predisposition to, to be prone to be susceptible to
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  something. Just remember, either way, it
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  takes a while for those patterns to to rewire our brain.
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  OK, so then you have the next stage, which is fixation and
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  obsession. This is the loss of agency.
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  This is where that habit loop forms.
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  This is where are the dopamine pathways, the brain regions
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  involved as the basal ganglia. So if someone repeatedly engages
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  in fantasy, that part of our brain that governs that habit
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  information locks in that pattern.
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  So that brain begins to seek that dopamine spikes.
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  So now it's that's the purpose. The dopamine is the purpose.
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  It reinforced that compulsive behavior.
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  It's that's what I need now. It's not about something sexual.
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  The it's like I want sex is that I want to survive, I want to
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  cope and it's become a way of living.
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  So habits are formed like this is our brains are plastic.
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  It's neuroplasticity like it, it's repeated, it's pattern
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  based. So what do we do?
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  We identify the patterns, we disrupt them and we do that
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  through awareness and alternative responses.
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  Then the last piece, and this is, I don't want to say
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  pointless to talk about, but it's kind of pointless to talk
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  about the compulsive acting out. The part that shoot, this is the
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  part that we lost control. This is where we're on
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  autopilot. We're gone, the reward systems
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  hijacked, we're offline. If fantasy escalates into
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  compulsive behavior that governs our impulse control, there's
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  that those weaknesses, our ability to be able to assess
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  consequences is way. It's so overruled by our
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  dopamine cravings. That's what partners ask is how
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  could he do this to me? How could he hurt me?
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  It's because it's been hijacked and overruled and the dopamine
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  cravings become the most important thing.
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  It's tied to survival. So that amygdala heightens that
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  emotional reaction, making that behavior feel like it's an
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  urgent need. Patrick Cons talks about the
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  four faulty core beliefs fanatic and one of them being if I don't
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  have my drug of choice, I'll die.
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  So if I don't, if I don't have my That was an exact quote, by
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  the way. I'm paraphrasing, but it's
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  intense like that. If I don't get that met, I'll
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  die. If this is an urgent need.
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  So in addiction, that dopamine system is hijacked, making it
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  feel like that behavior is necessary rather than optional.
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  OK, necessary rather than optional.
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  When we talk about how to rewire the brain, we think about choose
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  recovery services in our phase one groups, we talk about the
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  neuroscience behind it. We do that mindful noticing.
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  We do that like being mindfulness, helping our brain
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  pause and react. Inside of those groups, we go
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  through strengthening that prefrontal cortex, increasing
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  that, setting fair expectations of what change actually looks
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  like, learning what healthy levels of dopamine are diverting
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  away from, from empty calorie dopamine to enriching dopamine.
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  Learning the pain associated with it has purpose.
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  And then that's that cognitive restructuring.
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  We weaken the fantasy pathway, right?
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  And there's a community that holds us accountable to it.
• 14:10
  We strengthen ourselves socially, our brain, and then
• 14:14
  that gives us that new sense of hope.
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  And then we share that with our partners throughout that
• 14:18
  journey. We share that with people we
• 14:20
  love, like and the rewiring the brain, not giving them false
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  sense of hope of the pain. This was so bad that I got
• 14:27
  caught. I never want to do this again.
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  Trying to give them hope based upon that.
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  So that slow rewiring process. So anyway, just wanted to share
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  with you that neuroscience of sexual response, that spectrum
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  from noticing the fantasy and beyond.
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  So please take that journey. Know what yours looks like.
• 14:44
  Don't do it alone. Do it in a group.
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  Do it with a therapist, do it with a coach.
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  Seek to understand what your spectrum looks like and how to
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  articulate and how to understand and seek those patterns.
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  Thanks for spending some time with me.
• 15:00
  Hi, my name is Hallie Roderick with Choose Recovery Services.
• 15:04
  And if you're a woman healing from betrayal trauma and you
• 15:07
  find yourself feeling stuck or experiencing overwhelming
• 15:10
  triggers, having a difficult time trusting yourself or even
• 15:14
  thinking about trusting others or having a hard time
• 15:17
  understanding what healthy boundaries are, how to hold
• 15:20
  those, I want to invite you to consider joining us at our
• 15:24
  upcoming Courage to Thrive intensive held on April 23rd
• 15:28
  through 26th in Spanish Fork, UT.
• 15:31
  These intensives are one of my favorite things to be a part of
• 15:34
  because healing happens in community.
• 15:37
  There's just something different that happens when you're in
• 15:39
  person with other women who maybe your stories aren't
• 15:43
  exactly the same, but there's a mutual understanding and a
• 15:46
  safety that is created by being in a common community.
• 15:50
  So if this sounds like something that would be beneficial to you,
• 15:53
  please check the show notes, reach out to our office to get
• 15:57
  more information, and come see us in Utah on April 23rd through
• 16:01
  26th. We'd love to have you join us.
• 16:06
  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
• 16:08
  If this is something that you connected with, I'd love to meet
• 16:11
  with you more and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
• 16:14
  chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
• 16:17
  what we can do is set up a quick conversation needs.
• 16:20
  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
• 16:23
  unmask the authentic cell.