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Navigating Twins After Loss and Montessori Parenting with Multiples · Twin Mom Life

• Jessielee Sittig: Hello and welcome to the Twin Mom Life podcast. I'm your host, Jess. I created this podcast to help build community, connection, and most importantly, friendships among moms of multiples. Being a twin mom can be amazing and magical. That twin bond is unlike anything I've ever witnessed, but it can also be isolating and overwhelming. I'll be chatting with other twin moms, diving deep into the twin experience. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy twin mom life to listen along. I hope this podcast shed some light on a topic that's been on your heart and gave you more confidence as a twin mama. If you know a twin mom, please send this her way. If you like what you heard today, please subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. Check out the show notes to be connected with today's guest and get discount codes for brands I love. See you next Thursday. Until then. welcome to the podcast. Today we have Tabitha. How are you? ⁓ Tabitha: I'm feeling truly blessed to be on this, so thank you so much for having me. Jessielee Sittig: ⁓ Can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Tabitha: Sure, so I'm Canadian. My name is Tabitha. I'm a mother of four children, three living, three under three. We were three under two for a little bit there. I had an angel baby singleton as my first, and then I was blessed with twins, twin boys, and then shortly after that, another daughter. Jessielee Sittig: giving advice on what works for us so you don't have to learn the hard way. Juggling two babies at the same time is challenging, but I'm confident we can learn from each other and figure out how to raise these babies together. You are made for this. And that's actually how we connected. So it's a sad way to connect, but I also had two losses before my daughter and that kicked off a podcast for you. Can you tell us about your podcast? Tabitha: Sure. So, Miscarriages and Milestones is a podcast that honours the loss of the babies that have touched our lives, but then also addresses the milestones that we've had since. is something ⁓ ⁓ is going to shape a person, whether or not we have ⁓ children in our arms after the fact, ⁓ or not, unfortunately, we had to let go before we got to ⁓ our babies or interact with our babies. ⁓ so, ⁓ Hopefully the podcast creates space for women to share those stories, the milestones that come after, and it's really an opportunity to celebrate that wonderful impact or bittersweet impact that Baby had and how they've changed us. Jessielee Sittig: And I just think that's so beautiful. And I don't know if you know this or if I shared this on this podcast, but I had my first miscarriage almost eight years ago now. And I was craving connection with other women who had also experienced loss. And I found a podcast. It's no longer, recording it, you know, I'm sure there are old episodes available, but it's called life after miscarriage. And it was a similar premise where she was interviewing women on. their loss and their stories and ⁓ my goodness, it's honestly what got me through that really difficult time in my life and it's what motivated me, one of the motivations to start my own podcast. So I think what you're doing is really beautiful and definitely important. So thank you for what you're doing because it is a topic that a lot of women don't talk about. I was so shocked once I shared publicly my losses, how many other women around me shared that they had also had losses that I never knew about. Why aren't we talking about this? So, just think it's so great. Tabitha: I appreciate that. Thank you. Jessielee Sittig: And I know we're already diving in, before we do, I would love to know what you did today to fill your own cup. Tabitha: For me, it's blogging. I am so consumed with all that is needed to look after my three children, look after my house. I also have a very busy mind and there's so often times that I want to express myself and... get trains of thought down on paper but I'm a little exhausted from all the talking and all the interactions that come with twins there's a lot of questions and a lot of answering those questions and a lot of conversations and so I want to express myself but not necessarily with my words and so being able to blog I blog on Montessori with multiples and I have so much behind the scenes that hasn't even been published yet and might not end up getting published in the end but just being able to get that out has been a wonderful way for me to fill my cup. Jessielee Sittig: That's so great. And I would love to talk to you about that too. I know there are a lot of things that don't fit into the twin world. And I know you had mentioned that Montessori was one of them, like not really having any resources for that. so I'd love to talk about that. I'm trying to think what I did today to fill my cup. Okay. So my daughter is in kindergarten and my boys are in a very minimal Mother's Day out program. It's six hours a week. So I ⁓ try to shove a lot of things in those six hours. And today I actually had nothing scheduled. I was like, this has never happened in my whole life. So I sat and I watched TV for 30 minutes. finished of Attraction. ⁓ you that? Tabitha: No, I haven't seen, I'm kind of stuck in the early 2000s, 90s. That's my media consumption right now. We're watching Smallville, we're watching Star Trek. That's where I'm at in the world right now. Jessielee Sittig: That's great. ⁓ nice. ⁓ fun. That's great. I love that. Well, I started the episode last night and I was so tired I could not finish it. And I don't ever watch TV during the day. And while I had my lunch, I thought, I'm dying to know what happens. So I finished the episode, enjoyed my lunch. And then one thing that's definitely lacking in our home right now with trying to do the podcast with minimal childcare, Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Jessielee Sittig: is keeping up with the house, like the cleaning, things like that. So I spent the rest of the time cleaning and it felt so good and productive. that was kind of a way I filled my cup today in a way that I don't normally do. So that was fun. Before we, yes. Tabitha: Hmm Well, that sounds so harmonious to have some gluttony in there to enjoy, but then some good elbow grease. That sounds like a perfect day. Jessielee Sittig: Yes. Yeah, it was a good combo. I kind of felt guilty when I was like sitting on the couch. I'm like, am I allowed to do this? Like, am I allowed to watch TV at 11am? This is crazy. So that was quite a treat. not the typical thing I do while my boys are at their program. So I was that was very fun. Tabitha: and Jessielee Sittig: well, before I learn more about Montessori with multiples, I'd love to know about your twins. Tabitha: Sure. Part of what I do in my blogging is that I refer to them as Baby B and Baby S and my living daughter, Baby E, I don't share their names or their faces. All my photos have them with their faces obscured and I don't have any personal social media so I don't share any of that. I'm really protective of their digital footprint when it comes to that, but I love sharing experiences that I have with them. So my boys are Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Tabitha: very outgoing, high strung, lots of energy, very independent. Some of that I wonder is from what I've fostered with Montessori and how much that would have come out naturally. And they are super helpful, super loving, super curious little boys who love their baby sister and Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Tabitha: I was curious what it would look like to add another one to the mix. I have to say I am grateful that I got another baby girl so that a boy wouldn't feel left out of the twin dynamic. But they are thick as thieves, they love being together. And so far, you know, they're only three years old, but so far it's a good run with all three of them getting along. Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. ⁓ that's so good. Yeah, we have like the same genders but opposite set up. So my daughter is yeah, my daughter is six. And man, the transition in the beginning was very difficult. She was three. ⁓ And was like, what are they doing here? I'm an only child. ⁓ now are so close and play so well, the majority of the time, of course, they have their sibling squabbles but Tabitha: Yes, we do. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Jessielee Sittig: It's so fun to see the relationship and just can't imagine not having all three of them. So how did your boys do when your daughter was born? Tabitha: They were fascinated. have a wonderful home video of them squealing with delight as she came home in her car seat, yelling, baby, baby, baby, over and over again. ⁓ helpful. We did let them know baby was coming. We set up the environment to be accommodating for them and that they would know where everything was located. So if I asked, ⁓ you go get a spit up cloth for mommy or ⁓ needs to go here or there, they would have the language for that and they would know where to find it. ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: ⁓ that's so cute. Tabitha: helpful and very willing. One of the sweetest things is when my little girl would cry and they would point at my breasts and say, baby's hungry and maybe even lift up my shirt to help and try to point me in the direction that this is what she needs. Jessielee Sittig: That's cute. Like, come on, mom, feed the baby. That's very, very cute. And okay, I don't know if I've really gotten into this on the podcast, but having twins first and then a singleton. Were you like, this is so easy? Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Very much so, I will die on the hill that newborn twins are so much harder than toddler twins with a newborn, I swear. It felt like life on hard mode that you were constantly going. And when I had my singleton and I have moments where it was just me and her, ⁓ thought, wow, this is too easy. ⁓ because you had experienced the opposite ⁓ ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Mmm. Tabitha: It was not a common decision. Most people when they get twins, they're like, they're done. It's not very common to have more kids after that from what I found. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, I think if we had twins first that we would have been done because we used to always say for sure one, maybe two, never three. So man, twins first, think, I mean, who knows what would have happened, but I would assume that we would have been done after that. So I'm so thankful it happened the opposite way because we needed all of these babies in our lives. So yeah, that's, yeah, that's interesting. Have you heard of that like mom math when you have Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Bye. Jessielee Sittig: multiples as in like, you three plus that when you go out with just one, it feels like you have no kids. Tabitha: Yes, no, definitely. I've even... I've thought of that, how I must look to other people, not that anybody cares, but when I have just the one child, usually one of the twins with the baby, I feel like there's a part that's missing that should be right here. I've had moments of panic of like, where's the other one? Sometimes, because it's just so expected or a phantom limb that should be there. And so it does feel incomplete. does feel odd. We tend to be quite the circus when it's all Jessielee Sittig: Mm. Mm-hmm. Tabitha: of us with two different grocery carts and load it up and we get so much attention. Everybody commenting, you must be busy and are they twins and this and that and then just to feel like one of them's looking around wondering where did all the attention go because suddenly they're not getting it when they're not a twin or it's not all three of us. Jessielee Sittig: Same. Sure. Well, and don't think I've asked this question in a while, but what's the oddest or like most unhinged comment you've received as a twin mom? Tabitha: Hmm. Well, I will say this is, don't know specifically as a twin mom, but the most recent thing that happened was we went out to a restaurant to honor my... Angel baby is fourth birthday and with twins Everybody's in the car seats and we have three under three and you don't put children in their car seats with their jackets and so you strip them out and so it was also we're gonna go into the restaurant and that's just another thing to be whipped around and it was just nonsense we were right at the door so I thought we'll just go in no point in bringing the coats there in the car well we go in and This mother this grandmother makes conversation with my child saying, is your coat? And he said, it's in the car. And she said, ⁓ that's a great place for it to be. You'll catch your death. And I thought, one down three to go, I guess, because I'm here for my daughter's fourth anniversary of her death. Thank you very much. And off to dinner we went. Jessielee Sittig: ⁓ my. ⁓ gosh. Like if only she knew how much her foot was in her mouth. ⁓ that's terrible. Tabitha: I know, I had a quiet conversation with my angel baby. I'm sure she would have been as much dark humor as I am. And I just thought it was kind of funny and thought I would just keep that to ourselves and off to the table we went. Jessielee Sittig: Well, and sometimes that's like, you know, a way to cope, it embraced the dark humor, you know? Tabitha: Mmm. But if it was a singleton, maybe I would have put on a jacket every single time. But with the twins and two of them and two jackets and more things to take up the table, it was just too much. Jessielee Sittig: Sure. Yeah. ⁓ yeah. I feel like we would have done the same thing. Like it's a hop, skip and a jump into the restaurant. Everyone will be fine for 30 seconds without a coat. Yeah. I feel like I would have, I would have done the same thing. That reminds me of like the whole sentiment of older generations. Like where's your socks? You have to have socks on or you'll catch a cold, you know? Tabitha: I'm ⁓ we get stopped all the time at the grocery store for them not wearing socks because when they were younger, they would just pull them off. And, you know, I've caught so many people as I turn to grab yogurt to ⁓ open the and grab yogurt to throw it in my cart. And I turn around and somebody is holding their toes, commenting while touching my children while asking if they're twins and where are their socks? ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Sure. ⁓ my gosh, no no boundaries. ⁓ man. Okay, so I'd love to talk about Montessori. So what initially interested you in Montessori education? Tabitha: Sure. So let's see if I can boil this down. I'm a bit of a planner and I was expecting my daughter and getting ready and nesting. And I'll say that when I found out I was pregnant with her, I ran out and bought a crib like two weeks later. I was so, not even two weeks later, I was so excited and I started preparing for what that would mean. And I knew that motherhood and having a child was going to change everything and that I wanted to be as prepared as possible. And I started looking into Montessori inadvertently. there were lot of components of it that I found really attractive, things that we already valued, and in exploring that I was reading some books, watching some seminars on YouTube, joined a couple of those paid programs where you get to talk to a Montessorian, and then I found out about halfway through my pregnancy that she had passed away. And so then I went... Jessielee Sittig: I'm so sorry. Tabitha: Yeah, that was tough. so then I became pregnant about two and a half months later and I was still going through a postpartum with some postpartum depression. and it was halfway through that pregnancy that I found out it was twins. So you go to one anatomy scan and you find out there is no heartbeat and then you go to the next anatomy scan and you find out there are two heartbeats. Jessielee Sittig: I can't even imagine that. And like, we can even have like a pause here and just talk about that. Like, I can't imagine. Tabitha: Sure. Jessielee Sittig: I don't know, the brain, the alterations in your brain chemistry of like how you process that going from a loss and a late term loss. I mean, my losses were unbelievably difficult, but they were early. I didn't know the genders. I was around six, six or seven weeks with the losses. So it was earlier. And I think that is different. I had bought onesie and things like that. Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Jessielee Sittig: but I wasn't like setting up a nursery. Like I said, I didn't know the gender. We didn't have names those things really bond you with your baby more. So, ⁓ I I would love to pause and take a minute to talk about that and then ⁓ how felt and how you process then being pregnant with two. Tabitha: So I'll say there was a blessing that I found out halfway through because vanishing twin syndrome is a thing. For all I know, I had triplets. For all I know, there were four. So to not know could be a blessing. There was some gender disappointment in the shock of it all because I was expecting a girl and then now I had two boys and it's an enormous gift and an enormous responsibility to have twins, which is absolutely a blessing. Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Tabitha: it's an enormous gift and an enormous responsibility to have twins, which is absolutely a blessing. ⁓ but I was still holding on to what I thought I was promised and that was a hard thing to get over and to expect something different and the complications that come with twins. I thought have I been granted two because only one of them is going to make it out? Am I going to lose both of them? And so that was a really rough road. but I was still holding on to what I thought I was promised and that was a hard thing to get over and to expect something different and the complications that come with twins. I thought have I been granted two because only one of them is going to make it out? Am I going to lose both of them? And so that was a really rough road. I had some complications. had gestational diabetes, lots of edema, and I made it to full term for twins, but had expected a little girl ⁓ in the summer that I would have with a midwife and a home birth. And ⁓ I had two little boys ⁓ were born in winter ⁓ an operating room at the hospital. It was a completely different ⁓ experience. I had to get my around really quickly along with ⁓ the postpartum depression. and the hormones and the expectations of it all. Jessielee Sittig: Well, and that's also very quick that you said that you got pregnant with your twins two months after the loss of your daughter. Tabitha: I had them 20 days before the one year anniversary of her loss. Jessielee Sittig: ⁓ wow. ⁓ gosh, Tabitha: I think I did the math on all four of them and I think I had ⁓ four babies in two and a half So there was a lot going on there. ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Well, that's just like so much on your body. And like you were saying, like, hormonally for your body to have all the hormonal shifts like that. I will say one thing that was maybe a little bit of a blessing in disguise for me is I had my miscarriages back to back, which was devastating. But then it took us like several months to get pregnant with my daughter. So I had like my body had a little bit of a break and Tabitha: Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Jessielee Sittig: I was able to process those losses and then I was still so unbelievably scared when I was pregnant with my daughter. Like there were so many things that I just wouldn't do. Like I told my mom, if you buy clothes or something, that's fine. Do not give them to me. Like they need to be at your house. You know, like I don't, I don't want to see it. I don't like, I just wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to like open my heart to that. And it had already been, I'm trying to think of the exact timing I had. Tabitha: Yes, yes. Mm-hmm. Jessielee Sittig: my losses in October and December. And then I got pregnant with my daughter in June. So yeah, it was like six months. having that time to process, I think was helpful. And like I said, my body had a little bit of a break where, wow, that was like a lot happening in a very short amount of time for you. Like everything, processing mentally and then your body physically. Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was quite the experience, but I'm just so grateful that I got to have them. I think it was for the best that I had everybody so close together and that I managed to have all of them. I have certainly always been a person who tried to live life in the fast lane. And I think God blessed me with twins because he knew I could handle them and that. Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: And as maybe a way to slow down, like when you have three under three, or did you say that you had three under two for a little bit? Tabitha: ⁓ yes, very much so. Yes, yes we did. I believe the boys were about 18 months or so when she came along. Jessielee Sittig: ⁓ my gosh, that's wild. That's a lot of ⁓ babies. Tabitha: It's a lot of babies, but I wouldn't change it for anything. and I'm just thankful like the Montessori thing was. ⁓ giving me a guide and a template that I could work off of. as we discussed, my blog Montessori with multiples is sort of a play on words because multiples being twins, but also knowing that I had a child before that who I wanted to acknowledge and that I partially blog about as well and my experiences going through that and that I wanted at least another child afterwards. And I didn't know if that was going to be a singleton or twins. And so I wanted to acknowledge all of those experiences. experiences and write about all those experiences and so that's how Montessori with multiples and I call myself a Montessori mom with multiples. I'm not the definitive mom. I'm just a mom ⁓ to see how this works sharing what works for me some perspectives that other people and I would love people ⁓ read it and say mmm ⁓ and I'll tell you why or ⁓ yes, I can totally relate to that Whatever I'm jogging in your brain when you read this. I just want you to feel like this is somehow reflected in your experience. Jessielee Sittig: And for those who are newer to the Montessori method, what are some highlights of how that education is different? And then I would love to hear how then you were able to ⁓ implement for multiples. Tabitha: Sure. ⁓ I'll give a little bit of history. So history of Montessori comes from Maria Montessori, who was a doctor in Italy in the late 1800s. worked in asylums, which was a general term for facility where ⁓ with handicaps, physical handicaps, ⁓ oddities even were sent. wasn't a lot expected of them and children would end up there too. Maybe they were much for their parents to take care of. ⁓ have parents, but this was also at a time where you were trying to be charitable and meet their basic needs, but their fate was pretty much written in stone and what was expected of them. Maria Montessori ⁓ to ⁓ these children ⁓ see the potential within them. And that was groundbreaking at the time. You were defined by your bloodline ⁓ your family. ⁓ so it was a real nature versus nurture. And she was looking at how can I change the environment? can I change ⁓ food? ⁓ can I best set up these children for success ⁓ ⁓ the potential in these little children that they ⁓ they could be anything, they could be anybody and we just have to bring that out in them. I thought that was wonderful and I thought that was magical that is something that I wanted for my children to anything that they could be and all I had to do was lay the groundwork to bring that out in them. And the nature nurture when you have twins, which I wasn't expecting when I first looked it up, but on reflection, I have two little persons that were born at the same time ⁓ who generally had same experiences. Many twin moms out there will have twins that have the same DNA. so ⁓ still have so many differences between them, even given all that and the way that you can foster that in them I thought was fascinating and that's what I wanted for children. Now I said I had a loss when I had first started this. ⁓ I expecting a singleton and everything I was reading was either about singletons parents who then had children who were two, three years apart and they would talk about the differences. and I wasn't finding anything at all about twins. There might be a footnote here or there, but there wasn't really resources about that. And even when I tapped in to the resources I was using, and I would pose a question on a forum on the Patreon-like services that I was paying for for Montessori guides, ⁓ would shrug. ⁓ And they would say that, you know, we have children that are sort of close in age, maybe this might work for you and best of luck and general thumbs and holding their breath and hoping the best for me. And so I tried to make it work and I wanted to see by diving into it what this would look like with twins and the differences and highlighting those differences and blogging about that and trying to reach out to other parents who might want to make this work for their family of twins, multiples or multiple children with the twins and seeing how that's very different than singletons. Jessielee Sittig: Well, and that's so helpful. feel like this theme comes up a lot when talking to twin moms. couple of podcasts episodes ago, I had a mom talk about twin sleep and how there are not very many resources that are specific to that. There might be a footnote in a resource, but there's not twin specific guidelines. So the fact that you saw that that was lacking and then you were like, well, I'm going to make Tabitha: Thank Jessielee Sittig: blog posts about it so that moms with twins can do this. So that's great. Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Thank you. And as your first question was about how I fill my cup, it's also enjoyable for me. Even if there's only one person reading the blog, I don't know. would still be doing this ⁓ wanting to feel like at least I'm getting my voice out there and hopefully ⁓ takes something away from it. The other thing was that I like about it. So there's three main components that you'll look at as the pillar of Montessori when it comes to Montessori parenting. And I should preface it. talking about Montessori parenting, which is very different than Montessori in the classroom and can't be replicated ⁓ prepared adults, the prepared environment ⁓ child led and child informed activity ⁓ interactions. So we look at the adults. ⁓ and what our role is as the parent. So instead of being a dictator or a servant to the child, we are their guide and we are their facilitator in that. And so that kind of informs the role that we're supposed to play that we are not doing for the child anything that they could do for themselves, but we're observing times when we might need to step in, we might need to restructure, might need to inform or help or model for and self-regulate. with them to assist them with that but generally whenever possible as hands-off as possible Independence is what we're really striving for with these children. And so with the prepared environment, we're looking at, how can I set up this environment to foster that independence? How can I allow my child to perform as much of this self-care? So whether that's toileting, whether that's dressing themselves, that's getting their own food or putting away their food, setting the table, what can we do to empower them based the furniture? Is the furniture child-sized? ⁓ that they're using. Are they child-sized? How all the steps that are involved with toileting and how can we down every one of those little steps and make it so that the child's be able to perform that as independently as possible. We also want the environment to lacking over so we don't want a bunch of clutter and that's one of my first things that I would suggest to people is ⁓ declutter your especially as a twin mom. Declutter is much as possible calmer more structured environment there's going to be chaos we don't need to add to it difficulty finding things there's going to be a lot of twin gear ⁓ sent you a little video of that I remember of ⁓ up ⁓ ⁓ If we can try to put that down so that they're not feeling overstimulated by it, you're not feeling overstimulated by it, that informs your modeling that you're calmer, which makes them calmer in a calmer environment. setting yourself up for success. ⁓ then finally you observe the child because you be working on yourself, you might be working on the environment, ⁓ but does nothing if you're not looking at how the child is interacting with you in the environment and what might need to be adapted to accommodate that. And then you have twins, so you have to see, how are we going to make all three, all four of these things work so that I can be setting each one of those individual children up for success in the interactions that they will have with each other as well as with me, as well as with the environment. Jessielee Sittig: That's so helpful and so thank you for going over that. And I feel like how amazing for kids to be able to have that independence and also for you as the mom, especially with twins, you're, I feel like I didn't implement things like that with my daughter. Maybe, maybe I did it later than I would have. And with the boys, it was like, okay, you are old enough to walk. can. Tabitha: ⁓ yes. Jessielee Sittig: You can place your plate in the sink things like that out of necessity. Like I don't have enough hands. I need everyone to be a team player here and on board. So I love that. Tabitha: Mm-hmm. and very much necessity informed because... I also had very high-strung children who want to do these things and they wanted to do them faster than even I was ready for them to do. And taking that step back, those preconceived notions and biases and fears and trying to set them up for success that they could do these. part of the freedom, ⁓ of the things we say ⁓ freedom within limits. So not a free for all. ⁓ I'm laying in bed while my kids are two years old frying eggs for breakfast and making coffee. There are to Jessielee Sittig: Sure. Tabitha: what they are allowed to do and we set up safe environments and yes environments but we're trying to make it so that the child is well aware of what those limits are the adult is well aware of what those limits are because if you're going to enforce boundaries and rules ⁓ need to be informed of what your own boundaries are what your own rules are so you're not giving inconsistent ⁓ and to your child ⁓ and you have a little bit self-reflection on, okay, what is informing my decision here? Is it because that's how you were raised? Is that how you expect because that's how other parents raise their children? you have biases of their ⁓ Do you have biases ⁓ fears ⁓ what could happen? ⁓ ⁓ self-reflection with that. is ⁓ three of these components are constantly moving and you're constantly checking in with all three of them. There's a lot of opportunity for personal growth. And what I was doing when they were nine months was different than 18 months was different than two years and then another child and three years now and constantly adapting and saying okay this doesn't work anymore or we need to change this or I thought this would be good but actually it's creating more friction than I was expecting. I was trying to eliminate some friction and trying to suss all that out. ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: And I love earlier that you were talking about like decluttering your home and having like systems and organization in a previous podcast episode. I had genius mom hacks talk about kind of like one of her aha moments and she was asking one of her kids like, can you go grab a baby wipe or a diaper? And they like didn't know where it was. They're like, I ⁓ don't know. Tabitha: Hmm. Jessielee Sittig: Like they couldn't find it. And she was like, ⁓ isn't it in the closet? And they were like, no, like they couldn't find something that should be like simple to find. Like, ⁓ that should be in the drawer by the bathroom or, whatever it might be. So I love that there's so many practical, ⁓ tips as well. Tabitha: Yeah. And there's so much opportunity for learning with that. There's language development, them know that this item is a ⁓ wipe ⁓ ⁓ you know, can you get me this ⁓ wipe their nose? No, that's used for the butt and like, no, this can also be used for this and that and expanding their knowledge of what the ⁓ is, what it's called, where it's located, how we dispose of it. And Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Tabitha: There's just so much opportunity for conversation there they ⁓ beam with pride at being able to help you. That's the most wonderful thing I think about Mondessori and promoting independence is even when they express it, but you can just see them glow. You can see that expression on their face. They don't even have to look to you ⁓ for of what they did was right. They ⁓ know they did a good job or they will just continue on like it's ⁓ another ⁓ and ⁓ remarkable to see a two and a half year old acting like ⁓ teenager, that it's just something that might not have been expected of ⁓ ⁓ allowed and made possible for a child of this age and that we have a preconceived notion that this should be ⁓ that we should wait until they're older that mommy will do. Jessielee Sittig: Yes, I think that's so key. And I'm just like thinking back on my motherhood journey. And like I was mentioning earlier, I feel like there were a lot of things that I didn't do with Kaia because I'm not sure if I was thinking she wasn't capable, but I'm like, ⁓ I'll teach her that when she's older. It's like, ⁓ no, should like children are sponges and can do a lot more than we give them credit for. So I love that philosophy and Tabitha: Hmm. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, it's so true. I feel like as you're talking, I just have implemented a lot more things with my boys really out of necessity. And I wish that I would have done those things with my daughter as well. implementing these philosophies with your sons and then with your singleton, was it easier that time around having had your first practice with twins? Tabitha: I think so. There were certainly things that were easier as far as modeling calmness. There is a lot of chaotic energy that's happening and even as simple as baby led weaning or providing forks for your child and the knives for your child to eat with at the table. And you're looking back and forth and in the time it takes for your one head to swivel, all of sudden this or that happens and trying to model general calmness, making it Jessielee Sittig: Sure. Tabitha: enjoyable experience but a functional experience that you know we will be playing later and for the most part we're going to be focusing on these tasks and I found that so much easier with one child versus two. found it was ⁓ to know what to expect, be reactive. You certainly learn to step back there's twins because you cannot be bouncing back and forth or you're going to just exhaust yourself that you have to almost position yourself And you have one at one side and one at the other to you had to go to one or the other your equal distance apart and step back and really allow them that freedom and so I ⁓ I have been a helicopter parent, but it had Eliminated a of that from my system having twins and then having ⁓ another singleton seen what my boys were capable of I had to them to be capable of more than maybe I would have thought or out of necessity allow Jessielee Sittig: Mm. Tabitha: it to happen because I have only so many hands. So that was really a blessing to be thrown to the fire with this and just let's see if this method works and reassuring to know that I guide and in place that I could follow ⁓ twins are scary. ⁓ motherhood general is scary not having a guidebook but to feel like these are that ⁓ I expect will work and I have to trust the method and see how it goes. And to feel like I had that backing me was really powerful for me. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, and mentioning earlier that one of your ways that you fill your clap is blogging. So do you have a favorite blog post or like a favorite topic that you've written about? Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Hmm. Let's see. I think I really like the 10 things I do with my toddlers every day, because it just boiled down the simplicity of it all. And that's one of the things that Montessori highlights that in the first six years, you're really not trying to fill your child with questions and quizzing, and you're just allowing them to be, just allowing them to absorb. a lot of time at home, a lot of time in nature, not bouncing around from activity to activity from lesson to lesson. The real that you can, and the best. ⁓ leg up you can give your child in the world and the greatest foundation you can set for your child is a good home life, a good loving home life, rhythm over ⁓ And like that article because it just highlights the everyday things that we do. Things like ⁓ reading ⁓ and time outside ⁓ and eating and sitting at the table together ⁓ and know going through the list are just pretty mundane things but ⁓ I heard from Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Tabitha: other mothers, what do do with an eight month old? What does your day look like? ⁓ that there's this expectation that there needs to be more and that we should be achieving more. ⁓ sure, acknowledge that ⁓ it's quiet moments that matter, but oftentimes those are a tagline on ⁓ social post that ⁓ we really resonate with because we feel like we're missing out and that we should be doing more. And that's a constant fear that parents have and that it take a lot of effort and restraint to slow down and to value that quiet, peaceful time that you have at home that ⁓ time that you have at home. Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Yes, but I think that's a good point. Like busy isn't always better and having those simple, I like that you use the word rhythms. I was like, Ooh, I love that. Like it, I feel like I love having a schedule, but I feel like having three kids and especially having twins, we definitely have more of a rhythm now. Like if things don't go as planned, that's okay. Like we're able to. Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Jessielee Sittig: flow with it more and we don't have this rigid routine. And that sometimes those simple things like you were mentioning, like reading, having meals together, those are the moments where your children are really learning. And nothing is wrong with like having a scheduled gymnastics class or something, but Tabitha: No, of course not. Jessielee Sittig: where you're really getting those moments of learning are probably at home where you're sitting with your family. So. Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, that sounds like a great article and I will link it in the show notes. there any other Montessori principles that we haven't talked about? Tabitha: Sure. So one of the interesting things that really resonated ⁓ me about Montessori the concept of sharing. And in sharing looks a little bit different, ⁓ where instead taking turns, ⁓ as in you get five minutes and then somebody else gets five minutes or that you're collaborating on something. And that's not to say that collaboration doesn't happen. if a child is already focused on what they're doing, ⁓ that focus is so valued in Montessori that the child ⁓ absorbed in what they're doing. They're deeply concentrated in what they're doing. And so you don't want to take away from that simply another child access to that material. So one of my children is working on something, I might try to redirect the other child. ⁓ work. I see that so-and-so is already working with that. ⁓ go do something else redirect because Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Tabitha: especially with twins, can feel like everything is shared. so I try to have items that made for collaborative play, ⁓ that made for independent play. And there are a couple items where this is baby S's toy. This is baby B's toy so that they can have possessions of their own. If you of adults where if you're to get something done, say on the computer, okay, well you have minutes to type and then so-and-so is going to have 10 minutes to type and then you can go back to 10 minutes to type. ⁓ would be exhausting if you tried to get something done in the yard and you had to keep passing the clippers back so that you could get something done. If you've ever been in a situation where there's only one of something, one's going to get something done. And very disruptive that can... derail what the child was trying to accomplish on their own. So sharing generally looks like the child has access to the toys and material until they have concluded the activity. Now there has to be limits of, okay, it's been half an hour and we're moving on to the next activity or it looks like you've completed it. it... With the exception of toys that are just for baby S and just for baby B, it's not like you can walk away and guard it. Like you might put your shirt down on a table and say, that's my table and I'm coming back to that. don't look at it that way. But if you go on the playground, you'll have interactions with other parents and you have to navigate where one ⁓ may be saying, ⁓ well, they also want to play with this. You need to give this child a turn. ⁓ I'll try to advocate ⁓ the way that I've chosen to raise my children. Montessori aligned with, well, your child was already playing with that and my child is going to go do something else, or if my child's already playing with something and another person comes in and asks if they can join, sometimes the answer will be no. And my children are still a little bit young for expressing that because they're twins. They're very excited to have somebody else join them. But there will be times where they will say no, and I want that to be respected. And whenever I give Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Sure. Tabitha: my child a choice. I only give them choices where all answers within that freedom of limits is respected. So for example, if I'm asking directly, would you like so and so to join you with the puzzle? If they say no, then that's their answer. then there'll be other things. For example, you to wear shoes. That's the limit. Would you like to wear ⁓ your ⁓ or rain boots or your this colored sock or that colored sock? And then those are options where they have that freedom. within limits. So that's another thing that's a little bit different. And when you're navigating the world with different parents and different parenting styles, that can be an interesting conversation that works differently. Jessielee Sittig: I've had conversations with my husband about this. My daughter got this art for Christmas and it was something in my head where I was like, this is kind of an off limit thing for your brothers. this is like yours and you need it was precious to her. So I'm like, you can tell them this is mine and this is something that I'm going to play with. And my husband was like, well, she should have to share her markers. And I'm like, if you got a brand new base for Christmas and you were playing your guitar for 10 minutes, and then I said, I want to turn, would you be like, I just got this. Can I like play with it for a couple hours? And then we'll talk about it tomorrow. Like, so it's interesting sometimes the standards that we have as adults and then the standards that we put forth for our kids. Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Jessielee Sittig: it also really resonated with me when you were talking about how your boys share a lot of things and that you guys make an effort to have like some toys that are just for one son and some toys that are just for another. I'm like, ⁓ man, I don't think we've ever done that. And I would like to My boys are still very little to they turn three in June ⁓ they have a lot of the same interests. Like they're, they're very into similar toys. So how did you do that? Tabitha: I was observing my children and I saw that Baby B was becoming disheartened at the idea that... He just didn't seem to own something that something was always up for grabs, even using that model of sharing that there were things and he would express this to me that I don't want them to have it. Even if I don't have it, it is something that I still want to be mine. And I, try to reflect on what would this look like for adults? What would this look like for me? And I think there's plenty of things that I share ⁓ my husband and things that are household items. But ⁓ a mom, as a mom, of three living children. am so overstimulated and everything is shared and there are items that I just want to be my own as well that ⁓ touches, nobody interferes with and I can count on to be my own and I imagine that children would feel the same and I was seeing that ⁓ in of my sons. The other is almost always happy to share everything and is just happy to have a playmate by their side. In sometimes we have to put up boundaries for parallel play that not always having them play together that they can play side by side and that that's fine or on opposite sides of the room and that's fine because one more of an introvert and one is more of an extrovert that so far as I'm ⁓ So fascinating to see these ⁓ little The left twin, baby S, is also left-handed. And the other one is right-handed. And there's just so many little personality quirks that are coming in that we're adapting to. Jessielee Sittig: And I just have, I guess, specific questions about this So did you allow him to pick out his own toy that was just for him or did you purchase something that you thought he would enjoy and that was just his toy? Tabitha: So we would see what they were playing with or behaviors that they were exhibiting. So an interest in pouring or picking things apart or tearing or wanting to things or things that. ⁓ we could duplicate with a toy, with an activity. so looking at those behaviors that they were exhibiting and how can we get this clear need that they're trying to express out. ⁓ so there were presents that we I'm also much a thrifter. So anything that I could find at the thrift store, it's worth just bringing home. It's 50 cents, a dollar, $2. ⁓ And so would ⁓ take a at it. And then there other things, especially Jessielee Sittig: Sure. Tabitha: around Christmas where we would have we would buy two just in case and then a safe place to put the receipt in case we needed to return one that it turned out that this would be an item that they could both enjoy or that only one gravitated towards it. So a lot of that comes back to observing the child's seeing where their interests lie taking chances on things because they can't know necessarily that they have an interest in something until they're exposed to it. Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Tabitha: and being prepared though for... parental disappointment because we can get ourselves so excited, especially if you're someone who is on social media. The Montessori world online is full of ⁓ of you got to get this child this latest thing that's going to harness this, that and the other skill and that they're going to love and you present it and it is not something ⁓ they're ⁓ in at this time or maybe ⁓ ⁓ letting that expectation and that disappointment go and being more flexible with what you bring into the house and what might have to go and toy rotation is a component of that answer your question in the most broadest sense because every child is to be different and it is ⁓ a of challenges and wins when something works as expected and then surprises when it's something you didn't expect to be such a hot item that the child is fascinated with. Jessielee Sittig: I appreciate that insight because as we're talking and I'm reflecting on like my children's toys and stuff really my daughter has a lot of her own toys that I would say ⁓ that is like a kaya specific toy and is that because of her age because she's older and she's six she is very into arts and crafts and like I mentioned earlier with the markers We have communal markers that everyone can use. And then she has these special markers that are just for her. And I want to make sure that I am nurturing my boys individual interests. And I think what's hard right now from our observation is a lot of those interests are the same, but this conversation is opening my eye to make sure that I'm observing that if I notice different interests that we will make sure that that is addressed and that that they have like a certain special toy that is just theirs. So I'm gonna be thinking about that. I'm gonna be reflecting on that because yeah, that's definitely sticking with me. So thank you. Tabitha: Well, that might, no problem. And that might develop later. One of the things that I had ⁓ very early on and that I'm super proud of ⁓ their capsule wardrobe. ⁓ ⁓ set up their... closet to have very simple. You just have a tension rod and all the clothes hung on and then there's little pants that are in a basket below that with underwear and every item within that all tops match all pants and everything can go together. And so the children can select clothes that work for them and I rotate that based on the season. So will never pick a ⁓ seasonally item. But in they have started to say that is their preferred shirt or that is their preferred pants or even their preferred socks and so I take a mental note of one that's really passionate about that item ⁓ and I will say ⁓ well baby B's shirt ⁓ we other ones that are of the same color ⁓ or really like this other shirt and so also protecting that with their clothing because right now they do share a wardrobe and maybe as they older almost certainly they're gonna divide ⁓ their interests there's again an element of ⁓ all of it's shared but then some items are being segmented and I will ask their permission. I will say it okay if baby S wears this top today and if he says no he says no even if he's not wearing it because that's his shirt and one he's really gravitated towards. ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, that's so interesting. So my boys share a room and a closet. So we have a similar setup where it's like, this is the boys clothes. But I will say specifically the past two weeks, they both have been having clothing preferences. And it's so cool to see. would say that I dress them similarly 30 to 40 % of the time. Like if we're going out to a park, I'm like, everyone's wearing red, because it's easy for me to see everybody. Tabitha: I've done that. I've done that. Yup. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, and sometimes like I see a shirt and it's cute and I will buy too. And sometimes we are gifted matching clothes. So I'm not opposed to matching clothes. But I'm, I'm not also like every single outfit has to be matching. And it has been super. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I love that too. And it's been so fun to see them pick out their own clothes. Like yesterday, my son Wyatt really wanted to wear Tabitha: Complimentary is where I go. Jessielee Sittig: palm trees and my other son really wanted to wear a shirt with cactus on it. So I'm like, okay, it was just like fun to see because I haven't, you know, now that they're getting older and their personalities are coming out, it's fun to see that and then to of course be respectful of it like you're saying. So, that's just like fun to be seeing and I've loved all the, Tabitha: Mm-hmm. Jessielee Sittig: information that you've given us and I feel like you did a really great job of also weaving in practical tips that people can implement. ⁓ Tabitha: Well, I hope so, because it's your life ⁓ just because it's written on a blog or somebody ⁓ a influencer following and they're telling you that this is the way you should be or even the books that are written that tell you this is the way it should be. Everybody comes with different experiences. You may be a family of six who happens to have twins or multiple twins. You may be a single mom. You may be living in an apartment or you may be living in a house and your environment is going to be very different. Your cultural influences are going to be very different and how that ⁓ may some components of Montessori might resonate with you or it might be at odds with your cultural background and trying to weave that all together the umbrella of being a twin mom. It's not a one size fits all, but I think it's a good framework and some good pillars that can you adapt your parenting style. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, absolutely. And I feel like you've given lots of advice, but is there a certain piece of advice or if you could have a heart to heart with a twin mom? Is there anything that you would tell her? Tabitha: Sure, and as we've talked about through this, loss is going to inform my experiences and being a twin mom is going to enforce my experiences. And I think the most powerful thing I can say to any twin mom or lost mom is you absolutely have to embrace your reality as it is. your life has fundamentally changed and it is going to touch every aspect of your life. And the hardest leap you can do is embracing that, but it is the most important one that you can do because if you are still clinging to what life was, you are setting yourself up for friction. you need to see how this has informed the changes in your marriage and how you parent, maybe your free time, how you fill your cup. And that doesn't mean that the experience is lesser by any means. It just means that it is very different and you might create a lesser experience by expecting it to be the way it was. so expecting that it is different, embracing that it is different, it's okay to mourn the differences because you know, Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Tabitha: nostalgia is a thing and we want, almost all of us want to go back to our childhood or rose-coloured portions of our childhood and want our life to be as it was. And if you're able to ⁓ adapt that ⁓ and of that is, you know, Montessori informed, the prepared adults, the accepting the constant flow of change, your children are going to grow up faster than expected and... making sure that that is a constant source of growth for you I think is the best thing that a twin mom can do. Jessielee Sittig: I love that and it's so true. Yeah, absolutely. That's really great. Well, Tabitha thank you so much. It was such a fun and interesting conversation and I appreciate you taking time out of your busy twin mom life to come chat with me. Tabitha: feel very blessed to have you and ⁓ I can't wait for our conversation on my podcast. Jessielee Sittig: Okay.