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33 - Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift · Classic Adventure Books - Daily

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  Speaker 1: Chapter six, A continuation of the State of England under
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  Speaker 1: Queen Anne, the character of a first Minister of State
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  Speaker 1: in European courts. My master was yet wholly at a
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  Speaker 1: loss to understand what motives could incite this race of
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  Speaker 1: lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary themselves, and engage in
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  Speaker 1: a confederacy of injustice merely for the sake of injuring
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  Speaker 1: their fellow animals. Neither could he comprehend what I meant
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  Speaker 1: in saying they did it for hire. Whereupon I was
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  Speaker 1: at much pains to describe to him the use of money,
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  Speaker 1: the materials it was made of, and the value of
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  Speaker 1: the metals. That when I Yahoo, who had got a
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  Speaker 1: great store of this precious substance, he was able to
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  Speaker 1: purchase whatever he had a mind to the finest clothing,
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  Speaker 1: the noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most costly
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  Speaker 1: meats and drinks, and have his choice of the most
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  Speaker 1: beautiful female. Therefore, since money alone was able to perform
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  Speaker 1: all these feats, our ya Who's thought, they could never
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  Speaker 1: have enough of it to spend or to save, as
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  Speaker 1: they found themselves inclined from their natural bent either to
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  Speaker 1: profusion or avarice, that the rich men enjoyed the fruit
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  Speaker 1: of the poor man's labor, and the latter were a
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  Speaker 1: thousand to one in proportion to the former, that the
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  Speaker 1: bulk of our people were forced to live miserably by
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  Speaker 1: laboring every day for small wages. To make a few
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  Speaker 1: live plentifully. I enlarged myself much on these and many
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  Speaker 1: other particulars to the same purpose. But his honor was
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  Speaker 1: still to seek, for he went upon a supposition that
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  Speaker 1: all animals had a title to their share in the
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  Speaker 1: productions of the earth, and especially those who preside over
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  Speaker 1: the rest. Therefore, he desired I would let him know
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  Speaker 1: what these costly meats were, and how any of us
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  Speaker 1: happened to want them. Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts
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  Speaker 1: as came into my head, with the various methods of
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  Speaker 1: dressing them, which could not be done without sending vessels
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  Speaker 1: by sea to every part of the world, as well
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  Speaker 1: for liquors to drink, as for sources, and innumerable other conveniences.
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  Speaker 1: I assured him that this whole globe of earth must
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  Speaker 1: be at least three times gone round before one of
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  Speaker 1: our better female yahoos could get at breakfast or a
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  Speaker 1: cup to put it in he said that must needs
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  Speaker 1: be a miserable country which cannot furnish food for its
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  Speaker 1: own inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered it was how
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  Speaker 1: such vast tracts of ground as I described, should be
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  Speaker 1: wholly without fresh water, and the people put to the
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  Speaker 1: necessity of sending over the sea for drink. I replied
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  Speaker 1: that England, the dear place of my nativity, was computed
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  Speaker 1: to produce three times the quantity of food more than
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  Speaker 1: its inhabitants are to consume, as well as liquors extracted
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  Speaker 1: from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain trees,
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  Speaker 1: which made excellent drink, and the same proportion in every
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  Speaker 1: other convenience of life. But in order to feed the
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  Speaker 1: luxury and in temperance of the males and the vanity
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  Speaker 1: of the females, we sent away the greatest part of
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  Speaker 1: our necessary things to other countries. Whence, in return we
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  Speaker 1: brought the materials of diseases, folly, and vice to spend
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  Speaker 1: among ourselves. Hence it follows of necessity that vast numbers
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  Speaker 1: of our people are compelled to seek their livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, cheating, pimping, flattering, suborning,
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  Speaker 1: for swearing, forging, gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling, stargazing, poisoning, houring, canting,
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  Speaker 1: and the like occupations, every one of which terms I
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  Speaker 1: was at much pains to make him understand that wine
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  Speaker 1: was not imported among us from foreign countries to supply
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  Speaker 1: the want of water or other drinks, but because it
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  Speaker 1: was a sort of liquid which made us merry. By
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  Speaker 1: putting us out of our senses, diverted all melancholy thoughts,
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  Speaker 1: begat wild, extravagant imaginations in the brain, raised our hopes
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  Speaker 1: and banished our fears, suspended every office of reason for
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  Speaker 1: a time, and deprived us of the use of our
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  Speaker 1: limbs till we fell into a profound sleep. Although it
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  Speaker 1: must be confessed that we always awaked sick and dispirited,
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  Speaker 1: and that the use of this liqueur filled us with
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  Speaker 1: diseases which made our lives uncomfortable and short. But besides
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  Speaker 1: all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves by
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  Speaker 1: furnishing the necessities or convenience of life to the rich
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  Speaker 1: and to each other. For instance, when I am at
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  Speaker 1: home and dressed as I ought to be, on my body,
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  Speaker 1: the workmanship of a hundred tradesmen, the building and furniture
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  Speaker 1: of my house employers many more, and five times the
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  Speaker 1: number to adorn my wife. I was going on to
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  Speaker 1: tell him of another sort of people, who get their
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  Speaker 1: livelihood by attending the sick, having upon some occasions informed
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  Speaker 1: his honour that many of my crew had died of diseases.
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  Speaker 1: But here it was with the utmost difficulty that I
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  Speaker 1: brought him to apprehend what I meant. He could easily
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  Speaker 1: conceive that a huinnhum grew weak and tarvy a few
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  Speaker 1: days before his death, or by some accident, might hurt
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  Speaker 1: a limb. But that nature, who works all things to perfection,
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  Speaker 1: should suffer any pains to breed in our bodies. He
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  Speaker 1: thought impossible, and desired to know the reason of so
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  Speaker 1: unaccountable an evil. I told him. We fed on a
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  Speaker 1: thousand things which operated contrary to each other. That we
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  Speaker 1: ate when we were not hungry, and drank without the
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  Speaker 1: provocation of thirst. That we sat whole nights drinking strong
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  Speaker 1: liquors without eating a bit, which disposed us to sloth,
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  Speaker 1: inflamed our bodies, and precipitated or prevented digestion. That prostitute
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  Speaker 1: female yahoos acquired a certain malady which bred rottenness in
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  Speaker 1: the bones of those who fell into their embraces. That
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  Speaker 1: this and many other diseases were propagated from father to son,
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  Speaker 1: so that great numbers came into the world with complicated
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  Speaker 1: maladies upon them. That it would be endless to give
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  Speaker 1: him a catalog of all the diseases incident to human bodies,
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  Speaker 1: for they would not be fewer than five or six hundred,
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  Speaker 1: spread over every limb and joint, In short, every part
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  Speaker 1: external and intestine, having diseases appropriated to itself to remedy
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  Speaker 1: which there was a sort of people bred up among
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  Speaker 1: us in the professional pretense of curing the sick. And
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  Speaker 1: because I had some skill and the faculty, I would,
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  Speaker 1: in gratitude to his honor, let him know the whole
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  Speaker 1: mystery and method by which they proceed. Their fundamental is
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  Speaker 1: that all diseases arise from repletion. Whence they conclude that
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  Speaker 1: a great evacuation of the body is necessary, either through
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  Speaker 1: the natural passage or upwards at the mouth. Their next
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  Speaker 1: business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils, shells, salts, juices, seaweed, excrements,
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  Speaker 1: barks of trees, serpents, toads, frogs, spiders, dead men's flesh
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  Speaker 1: and bones, birds, beasts, and fishes, to form a composition
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  Speaker 1: for smell and taste the most abominable, nauseous, and detestable
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  Speaker 1: they can possibly contrive, which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing,
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  Speaker 1: and this they call a vomit. Where else, from the
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  Speaker 1: same storehouse, with some other poisonous additions, they command us
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  Speaker 1: to take in at the orifice above or below, just
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  Speaker 1: as the physician then happens to be disposed a medicine
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  Speaker 1: equally annoying and disgusting to the bowels, which, relaxing the belly,
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  Speaker 1: drives down all before it. And this they call a
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  Speaker 1: purge or a clister for nature. As a physician's allege,
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  Speaker 1: having intended the superior anterior orifice only for the intermission
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  Speaker 1: of solids and liquids and the inferior posterior for ejection,
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  Speaker 1: these artists ingeniously consider that in all diseases, nature is
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  Speaker 1: forced out of her seat. Therefore, to replace her in it,
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  Speaker 1: the body must be treated in a manner directly contrary,
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  Speaker 1: by interchanging the use of each orifice, forcing solids and
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  Speaker 1: liquids in at the anus and making evacuations at the mouth.
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  Speaker 1: But besides real diseases we are subject to many that
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  Speaker 1: are only imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary cures.
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  Speaker 1: These have their several names, and so have the drugs
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  Speaker 1: that are proper for them. And with these our female
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  Speaker 1: Yahoos are always infested. One great excellency in this tribe
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  Speaker 1: is their skill at prognostics, wherein they seldom fail their
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  Speaker 1: predictions in real diseases when they rise to any degree
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  Speaker 1: of malignity, generally pretending death, which is always in their power,
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  Speaker 1: when recovery is not, and therefore upon any unexpected signs
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  Speaker 1: of amendment, after they have pronounced their sentence, rather than
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  Speaker 1: be accused as false prophets, they know how to prove
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  Speaker 1: their sagacity to the world by a seasonable dose. They
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  Speaker 1: are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who
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  Speaker 1: are grown weary of their mate, to eldest sons, to
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  Speaker 1: great ministers of state, and often to princes. I had formerly,
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  Speaker 1: upon occasion discoursed with my Master upon the nature of
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  Speaker 1: government in general, and particularly of our own excellent constitution,
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  Speaker 1: deservedly the wonder and envy of the whole world. But
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  Speaker 1: having here accidentally mentioned a minister of state. He commanded
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  Speaker 1: me some time after to inform him what speeches of
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  Speaker 1: yahoo I particularly meant by that appellation. I told him
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  Speaker 1: that a first or chief minister of state, who was
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  Speaker 1: the person I intended to describe, was the creature wholly
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  Speaker 1: exempt from joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger,
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  Speaker 1: at least, makes use of no other passions but a
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  Speaker 1: violent desire of wealth, power, and titles. That he applies
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  Speaker 1: his words to all users except the indication of his mind.
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  Speaker 1: That he never tells a truth, but with an intent
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  Speaker 1: that you should take it for a lie, nor a lie,
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  Speaker 1: but with a design that you should take it for
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  Speaker 1: a truth. That those he speaks worst of behind their
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  Speaker 1: backs are in the surest way of preferment. And whenever
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  Speaker 1: he begins to praise you to others or to yourself,
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  Speaker 1: you are from that day forlorn. The worst mark you
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  Speaker 1: can receive is a promise, especially when it is confirmed
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  Speaker 1: with an oath, after which every wise man retires and
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  Speaker 1: gives over all hopes. There are three methods by which
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  Speaker 1: a man may rise to be chief minister. The first
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  Speaker 1: is by knowing how with prudence to dispose of a wife,
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  Speaker 1: a daughter, or a sister. The second by betraying or
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  Speaker 1: undermining his predecessor, and the third is by a furious
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  Speaker 1: zeal in public assemblies against the corruptions of the court.
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  Speaker 1: But a wise prince would rather choose to employ those
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  Speaker 1: who practice the last of these methods, because such sealates
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  Speaker 1: prove always the most obiquous and subservient to the will
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  Speaker 1: and passions of their master. That these ministers, having all
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  Speaker 1: employments at their disposal, preserve themselves in power by bribing
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  Speaker 1: the majority of a senate or great council, and at
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  Speaker 1: last by an expedient call an act of indemnity, whereof
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  Speaker 1: I describe the nature to him. They secure themselves from
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  Speaker 1: after reckonings and retire from the public laden with the
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  Speaker 1: spoils of the nation. The palace of a chief minister
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  Speaker 1: is a seminary to breed up others in his own trade.
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  Speaker 1: The pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their master, become
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  Speaker 1: ministers of state in their several districts, and learn to
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  Speaker 1: excel in the three principal ingredients of insolence, lying, and bribery. Oddingly,
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  Speaker 1: they have a subaltern court paid to them by persons
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  Speaker 1: of the best rank, and sometimes by the force of
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  Speaker 1: dexterity and impudence, arrive through several gradations to be success
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  Speaker 1: as to their lord. He is usually governed by a
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  Speaker 1: decayed wench or favorite footmen, who are the tunnels through
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  Speaker 1: which all graces are conveyed, and may properly be called
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  Speaker 1: in the last resort the governors of the kingdom. One
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  Speaker 1: day in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the
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  Speaker 1: nobility of my country, was pleased to make me a
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  Speaker 1: compliment which I could not pretend to deserve. That he
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  Speaker 1: was sure I must be born of some noble family,
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  Speaker 1: because I far exceeded in a current cleanliness or the
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  Speaker 1: yahoos of his nation, although I seem to fail in
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  Speaker 1: strength and agility, which must be imputed to my different
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  Speaker 1: way of living from those other brutes. And besides, I
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  Speaker 1: was not only endowed with the faculty of speech, but
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  Speaker 1: likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree that
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  Speaker 1: with all his acquaintance I passed for a prodigy. He
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  Speaker 1: made me observe that among the whuinnhams, the white, the sorrel,
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  Speaker 1: and the iron gray were not so exactly shaped as
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  Speaker 1: the bay, the dapple gray, and the black, nor born
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  Speaker 1: with equal talents of mind or a capacity to improve them,
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  Speaker 1: and therefore continued always in the condition of servants, without
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  Speaker 1: ever aspiring to match out of their own race, which
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  Speaker 1: in that country would be reckoned monstrous and unnatural. I
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  Speaker 1: made his honor my most humble acknowledgments for the good
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  Speaker 1: opinion he was pleased to conceive of me, but assured
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  Speaker 1: him at the same time that my birth was of
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  Speaker 1: the lower sort, having been born of plain, honest parents,
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  Speaker 1: who were just able to give me a tolerable education.
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  Speaker 1: That nobility among us was altogether a different thing from
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  Speaker 1: the idea he had of it, that our young noblemen
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  Speaker 1: are bred from their childhood in idleness and luxury, that
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  Speaker 1: as soon as years will permit, they consume their vigor
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  Speaker 1: and contract odious diseases among lewde females, and when their
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  Speaker 1: fortunes are almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth,
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  Speaker 1: disagreeable person, and unsound constitution, merely for the sake of money,
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  Speaker 1: whom they hate and despise. That the productions of such
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  Speaker 1: marriages are generally scruffulous, rickety, or deformed children, by which
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  Speaker 1: means the family seldom continues above three generations, unless the
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  Speaker 1: wife takes care to provide a healthy father among her
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  Speaker 1: neighbors or domestics in order to improve and continue the breed.
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  Speaker 1: That a weak, diseased body, a meek countenance, and sallow
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  Speaker 1: complexion are the true remarks of noble blood, and a healthy,
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  Speaker 1: robust appearance is so disgraceful in a man of quality
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  Speaker 1: that the world concludes his real father to have been
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  Speaker 1: a groom or a coachman. The imperfections of his mind
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  Speaker 1: run parallel with those of his body, being a composition
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  Speaker 1: of spleen, dulness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality, and pride. Without the
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  Speaker 1: consent of this illustrious body, no law can be enacted, repealed,
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  Speaker 1: or altered. And these nobles have likewise the decision of
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  Speaker 1: all our possessions without appeal and apart four Chapter six