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3 things to steer clear of when you parent · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, let's talk about three ways that you should not parent.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your Answers to Life, Relationships, and Daily Living.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, hello again.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I wanted to talk about Um Some things that have come up with parenting.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: I've been reading a book that's about parenting.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in a parenting group.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in this group.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um now you may ask, well, you're old and you have old kids.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you in a parenting group?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Good question.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Good question.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm in a parenting group because I'm always interested in learning um how to be a better parent.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because I have kids um 23 to 11, 11 or 11 to 23, yeah, left to right.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I also do have experience in parenting, and so this parenting group that I am in is uh full of newer parents that have, you know, let's see, a four-month-old and then toddlers, and then up to 12-year-olds.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: So it's more of like kind of a mentoring experience, but also I'm there to learn if there's something to learn.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so uh one of the things that we had been talking about was um three kind of thematic things to not bring into your parenting.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I'll be honest, uh I'll be transparent with you.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um these three things I've brought into my parenting.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um and it's it I think uh a lot of people bring different like some people bring these things full force into their parenting, and others kind of do it uh possibly subtly in their parenting.
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  SPEAKER_01: And um it's hard.
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  SPEAKER_01: Like the the three things that I'm gonna say that we're gonna talk about briefly are difficult things to not bring into your parenting.
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  SPEAKER_01: So um yeah, so let's talk about it.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: So the first one is don't parent based on fear, and that's that's one that I see often when I'm out in public.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um I see all of these actually, but this one is the one that uh bothers me the most, and I know I've done it before when my kids were younger.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so essentially it's when your kids misbehave.
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  SPEAKER_01: The classic is you're driving down the road and your kids are doing something in the back seat to one another, and then you threaten, don't make me pull this car over.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because if they make you, which ultimately that's a problem too, it's like you're choosing to pull the car over, but if they do things and the result is that you're gonna pull the car over, what's the threat, right?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: You're putting fear into their life because you're gonna do something that they're gonna like really not like if you pull the car over.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um I was thinking, have I said that?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think I've said that.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I've actually just pulled the car over and uh had to go on, had to leave the car and uh exit it to cool down.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um the or another one is if you have a upstairs, if your kids are you know heading off to bed and you've said go to bed, and um there's noise coming from their general direction of the bedroom because they're just not wanting to go to bed, they're messing around, whatever it is.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And uh then then the the yell is I'm gonna come up there if you don't be quiet or don't make me come up there, right?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's that fear, right?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: So we're bigger um as parents, and we can uh manhandle our way manhandle our children to uh acquiesce to what we want, right?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: So it's you're gonna stay at this dinner table until that food is, you know, until you've eaten all that food or whatever it is.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: So there's this fear thing that goes on.
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  SPEAKER_01: And as I've talked with people about their families of origin here in my office and and work through trauma that people have experienced uh in their upbringing from their parents who were very fear-based, it's not a good look first, and it's not a great way to parent your kids.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Where I see it a lot is, you know, when when I'm out in a Target or a Walmart or a grocery store, and there's a kid that's acting up, and you you hear these parents that operate out of fear-based parenting, they say some really outrageous things.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: And when I hear these things, I hurt for those kids because I know that those they're doing that in public, so what do they do when they go home?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um the other it's just it's sad for me, right?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to be able to help parents in those moments, but oftentimes if you reach out to those parents, especially if you're in a public place, you say, Hey, can I help with some with something?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Don't tell me how to parent my kid, blah blah blah blah, right?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like they get really offended because all you're wanting to do is be helpful because you can see that there's this stress that's going on in their life and their kids being impacted negatively.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and often what happens is uh what I experience is adults who will relay to me how they were parented from a fear-based way, and so then their like their goal in parenting is not to do that kind of parenting with their own kids, and what that often results in, it often results in parents that become very passive and permissive because they don't want to be anything like their parents, and so they don't bring up they don't bring any kind of discipline consequences or things like that because they're worried that it's gonna be they're gonna mirror what their parents did to them.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um so fear that's one thing.
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  SPEAKER_01: If you have that in your life, that's one thing I really want to encourage you to steer clear of as much as you can.
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  SPEAKER_01: And again, none of these things are black and some are I mean some behavior is very black and white.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, when you're threatening your children that there's gonna be some kind of bodily harm done to them if they don't stop their behavior, that's very clear, but there's other kind of you know, I'll hear stories about my dad would whoop my ass if I did that thing, and so then I say, Well, did he ever whoop you?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: And like, no, he never did.
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  SPEAKER_01: So there's there's intimidation that happens, there's hints that happens, it's based on fear.
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  SPEAKER_01: So fear is not a great, it's not good.
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  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'll just be very plain about it.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's not a great good way to parent.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um, another way that's got a little bit sneakier is shame, is when you um parent out of shame.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of times you can tell it's shame because my my you use the word should.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you should do this, and I often equate shame when um the word should is involved.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Now, hear me out on this.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I think you can say should, but you need to be really careful um on the why you're shoulding all over your kids.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Haha, that's my little joke.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Did you think right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: That you got that?
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  SPEAKER_01: Everyone else thinks that's funny.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um so the uh the should is often equates into shame some kind of way.
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  SPEAKER_01: Or if you are very appearance oriented, like what will s what will your grandparents think?
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  SPEAKER_01: What will my uh your aunt and uncle think?
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  SPEAKER_01: What will your cousins think?
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  SPEAKER_01: If that if those kind of phrases often come out of your mouth, it's a good chance that you could be parenting out of shame.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um, another one is shame parenting often focuses on what we as the parents feel and what we feel, we try to put that on our kids to change their behavior.
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  SPEAKER_01: So it could sound something like, wow, when you do this, it really impacts me negatively.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I wish you would stop.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: So there's some shamefulness that's in there.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now, don't get me wrong, you're not gonna hear this from a lot of therapists, but I think shame can be really useful to motivate and to change behavior, but the shame, um, if you're using that consistently, it's not gonna um create long-term change, right?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because what when you're parenting your kid, you want to get at their heart.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And shame shaming a child, and as a parent, if you're shaming your kid all the time, that doesn't get to their heart.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: What it creates is create it creates resentfulness and it creates passive aggressiveness, so that when they are at an age where they realize, I don't have to listen to you anymore, I am gonna, I do want to do my own thing, shame will not work anymore.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: It will just create tension and uh dissension between you and your child.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so shame is j is is not a good technique to use as well, and it's it's hard because you may have grown up in a family where um shame was used a lot and you didn't even really know it.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think shame often gets used in um religious homes, homes that where there's church attendance.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: And again, the goal of parenting is to get to your child's heart and to kind of understand what's going on in their heart.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: And fear doesn't do fear-based parenting and shame-based parenting don't do that.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Now you may say, well, I'm not shame-based, I'm not fear-based, but I do use those as tools.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um those can be used as tools at times, I believe, but I don't think they're they should be a main tool.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, fear-based parenting.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: If you touch that stove, you're going to get in trouble, right?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you're trying to protect your kid because you don't want them to touch the stove, and so if they touch it, um, they're gonna hurt themselves.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so, I I mean, there's some fear there that could be useful, but if that's how you consistently do things based on your fears, at some point they're not gonna be scared of you because they see that you have no teeth.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or they're gonna fight against you when they're a teenager, and then all of those years of fear-based parenting are have were worthless.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, shame the same way.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think shame can be useful at times, but I think um in generally shame is not a great way to parent because you're not getting at your child's heart and you're not creating long-term uh change ultimately with shame.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if you're a therapist listening to this, please fight me on this because I think that, or even if you're not a therapist, um, you're gonna have therapists that say their shame is absolutely something that you should never do.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um I don't know.
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  SPEAKER_01: I I'm not completely sold on the idea that it's this horrible thing.
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  SPEAKER_01: I think when it becomes horrible is when it's just that's just the go-to that people often use.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I don't think that that's a great, I don't think that's a great go-to because it doesn't, again, if our goal as parents is to uh create heart change in our children, shame does not do that, and fear does not do that.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um a third one, and this is a bit trickier, is uh parenting based on rewards, right?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: So why this is tricky is because a lot of times when we want our kids to do something, we bribe them.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um and so, hey, do this thing, and I'll give you this thing that you really want, right?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: If you sit here and eat food, or if you sit here and do this thing, then I will let you uh watch this show.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: So this becomes kind of a challenge because I think a lot of how we train our children, there's rewards in it.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um so I think short-term rewards are okay.
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  SPEAKER_01: So it's like a kid learning to go potty on a potty chair.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um when they go potty for the first time, yay, hooray, you went potty, good for you.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you praise them for this monumental act they did, but you're not gonna be, hopefully, you're not gonna be praising your 12-year-old for going to the bathroom because that's just something that they learn to do, and then they just do it.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think what happens is that um rewards become a commodity, and so then um if a kid realizes, oh, if I don't do this behavior, I'll get this great thing that I want, and if I don't do this behavior, um I won't get this great thing, so then it becomes like, well, I don't really care about that great thing anymore, so I'm not gonna do that behavior that I used to get rewarded for.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so at some point it becomes the it just becomes this tedious thing where then your kids are smart, and so then they will start negotiating with you based on your track record of always giving them rewards for things.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think sometimes there's things that kids just have to do when they live in a home, and there should be no rewards to it.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of times what happens is parents um will pay for chores.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Here's an example of why I don't think rewards will work um over time as a parent.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: So you you I am a firm believer that you don't pay for chores.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um you can give your kids an allowance, great, but the allowance shouldn't be based on anything other than um you're giving your kid an allowance, and then uh you can help them learn to budget with this allowance.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: The reason why I don't think you should pay for chores or reward, give that reward to kids is because then chores become a commodity.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because what happens if kid has uh dishes as a chore and you say, Oh, you did your dishes, here's your five dollars.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so if a kid doesn't want to do dishes anymore because they don't care about five dollars, they just stop doing their chore of dishes.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: So, what are you gonna do?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: You're kind of stuck as a parent then, because you've created this kind of economy where if you do a chore, you get money.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and in that kind of economy, if a kid doesn't want to do a chore and they don't get money and the kid doesn't care, usually the parent still cares.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the parent still is like, hey, this chore needs to get done.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then what are you gonna do?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Raise it up to$10, raise it up to$20, raise it up to$30.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, at some point it becomes untenable, I think.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's why I just think in general, I believe that chores get done in-house because that's part of what it means to live in a house.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: People work together on chores.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: And capturing your child's heart and getting them to this perspective of, yeah, I'm part of this family, I'm part of this family, and and I do things in this family to support the family, um, that's a goal that should be started.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like that kind of concept should be started when kids are young, like two, three, four.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and if you just simply go to a rewards-based parenting perspective, they're gonna grow up with this idea that, oh, I have this behavior, and as long as I have this behavior, I'm gonna get rewards.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: At some point, if they don't care about the rewards, they'll do their own kind of behavior that they want, and you will have lost their heart.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so that that one out of the three is a bit trickier because I think uh when kids do things early on when they're just learning life skills, it's okay to reward them and give them praise and treats and you know the gold sticker on the charts.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it's transitioning from that, like, oh no, this is you don't get rewards for this because this is just what people do in life.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: They go to the bathroom without getting rewards, they take showers, they brush teeth without getting rewarded.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's just kind of life.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: They do chores and they do the dishes in the house because they live in the house and they contribute to the dirtiness of a house or the the clutteriness of a house.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's not a word.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: But so those three things, um, shame, fear, and rewards are are things to really take a good look at in your parenting um to see if you base a lot of your parenting on those things.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: And if you are basing a lot of your parenting on those things, or if you're married to somebody or you're partnered up with somebody that is uh basing a lot of their parenting on those things, you need to have a conversation with them because um I rarely run into the person in my office that's relating to me stories about their family of origin where what they remember is the trauma.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: They remember the parent that was fear-based.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: They don't remember the parent that wasn't.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: They just question and like why wouldn't that parent stop this other parent from threatening me, from shaming me?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, those are the stories I get.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna I really want to encourage you to have a conversation uh with your partner about how they're parenting, if you see that kind of parenting happen, or maybe both of you are doing that kind of parenting.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: And if both of you are doing that kind of parenting, then it would be important to have um a conversation together um to see if you maybe need to shift your parenting a little bit.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: So there you go.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: Three things to steer clear of from parenting.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: Hope you have a great weekend.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you want to contact me, feel free to do so at uh docdavid.net.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: All of my social media stuff is on there, and uh feel free to share or comment on this podcast if you found it to be useful.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: All right, have a great weekend.