Latest / The Body Rhythm: Nervous System Health, Digestion & Daily Rhythms for Women / Why Doing Everything Alone Is Burning You Out

Transcript

Why Doing Everything Alone Is Burning You Out · The Body Rhythm: Nervous System Health, Digestion & Daily Rhythms for Women

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Body Rhythm Podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Chelsea Johnson, talking all things diet, lifestyle, health, and healing with a dose of heart and soul.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: So many capable women are managing stress quietly and independently.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you're used to holding everything together on your own, then this episode is for you.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also guiding a spring reset this April, a structured container held in community, and I'll share more about that at the end of today's episode.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: But first, welcome to the Body Rhythm podcast.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I am Chelsea, your guide, and I am so happy to be here with you today.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And today's episode is about the sense of belonging.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And most of us aren't lonely because we lack people.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us know a lot of people, but we're lonely because we're holding too much alone.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I was reminded of this recently when I had a lot of uh things happening in my life, um, managing and caregiving for my dad and managing um all of his finances and care.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then my mom was also in the hospital for a while, and so managing everything that comes along with that and all of the stress and uncertainty.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And when this was happening, when my mom was in the hospital, a friend of mine came up to me and she reminded me like, don't put everything on your shoulders.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is not another problem for you to get involved in or to solve.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that you need to take time for you.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this just got me thinking to a time at the beginning of COVID when I decided to make my community something that I can depend on when times got rough.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so at the beginning of COVID, I had a lot on my plate, surprise.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, my mom was also in the hospital during that time.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of things were falling on me to do.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember driving on my car, starting to cry, I pulled off to the side of the road and just let the tears fall.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then I had a conversation, a prayer with God saying, you know what, I can't do this anymore on my own.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's too much for me to handle by myself.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when I did that, I knew that I had to put effort into making my community, to making my support system so that I wasn't the only one to rely on and depend on when things got rough, when things in life, stressors began to stack up.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that this might resonate with you, dear listener, of carrying stress quietly, of being the one others rely on, of managing emotions, your own and others managing logistics, managing care, and constantly telling yourself that I should be able to handle this.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I am capable, I can do it all.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But burnout and overwhelm doesn't just come from doing too much, it comes from doing too much alone.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't an episode about forcing yourself to be more social, not at all.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's about what you need, what your body needs to feel supported, and then creating that support.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: So when the ish hits the fan, you have that support already in place and ready to go.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, first let's just briefly talk about the nervous system.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: The nervous system is shaped by our survival instinct.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: We have fight or flight and rest or digest.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And when we are taking on all the things, then we're just always in that fight or flight survival mode.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Hyperindependence can be seen as protection from the threats that are out there, right?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, also, I've heard a lot from students and women that I've talked to that during COVID there was a disconnection from our existing communities.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it's been really difficult to try to reconnect in a post-COVID world.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that is getting talked about enough.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, our independence, our wanting to take on all the things can also stem from our childhoods, from our past relational wounds that are showing up in our adult choices and life experience.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we're just exhausted, right?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes when we're exhausted, we can't think our way out of a solution.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: So reaching out to others for support might not be the first thing on the list.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: We just do it ourselves, and then we just kind of do the burnout spiral, get more and more and more exhausted until we can no longer handle anything on our own, and we do have complete collapse.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: So when your nervous system has learned that relying on yourself is safer, then community can feel threatening, even when you want it.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: And when we think of that as being an adaptation to our life experience as self-protection, that can give us a nice background for just beginning to look at where we might be.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And for some of us, connection might feel tiring or overwhelming or risky, but that's your body responding to its history, to its life experience.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's important not to carry that life experience going forward, because that hinders our ability to manage our stressors, our life with nervous system elasticity where we can move from fight or flight back into rest and digest with more ease and not stay stuck or rigid in one nervous system response.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Community isn't a lifestyle choice.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Think of community as a nervous system need.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: We need to share our loads in life, we need to feel that our life experience is witnessed.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be held in difficulty.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: We are not meant to process grief or stress or illness or uncertainty alone, but we're also not meant to process joy and happiness and pleasure and love alone either.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: We need community around us so that our nervous system can regulate more easily in relationship, where our nervous system can begin to move more easily from fight or flight into rest or digest from big stressor to small stressor with more ease, with more love and with more compassion.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: When we are isolated, when we are managing everything on our own, when we are in chronic stress, or when we are burnt out or overwhelmed, our digestion naturally flows.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: It slows because all of our bodily resources that would go to digestion or reproduction or immunity, they all get diverted to dealing with the stress response.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: The body senses a danger and so it does everything to keep itself safe.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: That is the primary job of the body at that time.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's what's happening physiologically.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I also think that stress lasts longer when we don't have somebody else to hold us through it, to be a witness to it, we can't process it with somebody else.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so then it gets stuck in the body, it gets stuck in the shoulders and the neck, or maybe the lower back, maybe get stuck in the thighs.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: We can't duff things down, we can't ignore them.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: But when we allow ourselves to have relationships with somebody else, when we can allow ourselves to be held, when we can accept somebody else's input and comfort, then the stress lasts a bit less.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And burnout and overwhelm happen when support is absent.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Our bodies heal faster when they feel safe and supported.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And community is one way that we can create that safety and support.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Your body digests not just food but life experience.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: It rests and it heals differently when it knows it's not alone, when it knows it is safe, when it knows that it is supported.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, what is community?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Community doesn't mean lots of people.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I read a book and it made a lot of sense that we need two at most three people that we can absolutely rely on.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: That those two, maybe three people, are the people that know the most about us, that know our secrets that we can go to at any time and feel comfortable with.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we know that they have our back.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then we work out from that circle.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe we have another circle where they don't know everything about us, but they sure do know a heck of a lot.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And those people are people that you can go to also during times.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the ones that can check up on you.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the ones who know about your family, right?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they are the ones that you meet bi-weekly for pickleball.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then we can have an outer circle from those two.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: And these are the ones maybe that you hang out with to um go to sporting events, or you go to yoga class together, or you go out uh to lunch together, right?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so I have people in all of these circles.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I have friends that I see on a regular basis that know a lot about what's going on with me.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: I have uh some community in that middle circle that I meet up with once a month or once every other month, and we just catch up on what's happening.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And they have a sense of what is happening in my life, but it's not as in-depth as that inner circle.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then I absolutely have more people on that outer circle, people that I go and do activities with, that I hang with, who have a vague sense of what's going on, but really don't know that deep, deep stuff about me.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: So community becomes a place where you don't have to explain yourself, but you've already cultivated relationships with people who know you.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Community can be quiet, it's repetitive, it's familiar, and you get to decide what your community looks like.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do we build community?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: My 14-year-old niece asked me this recently.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, she's in high school and she is figuring out what friendship looks like in this new season.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so she asked me how I build a friendship with a woman that I go to church with.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: It really was me stepping out of my comfort zone.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I told her that I said, sometimes the beginning of community can be a little bit scary because you gotta step out of your comfort zone and make that first step.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: So with this particular person, I had known her.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I um had said, hi, how are you a few times.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: I knew a little bit about her, that she was married and had had a kid.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then I found out that she lived very close to me, about a minute away.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew that she liked to work out at the gym.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: One day I went out on a limb after the breakdown in the car.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Would you like to go walking with me?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, sure.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was like, Great, like you live right down the street from me.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: I can walk to your house or you can walk to mine.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, No, I'll walk over to your house.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: And we set up a time and we did it within like two days.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that gesture of me asking her to go walking was the foundation for setting up years of friendship.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we were walking, we got to know each other, we got to know each other's vibe and philosophy and life experience.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: And we started walking a few more times together during the week.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: And as we walked, we found that we had commonalities in life experience, that we had the same philosophies.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And each time that we went walking, we just deepened our friendship.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then we started meeting sometimes, if we couldn't walk, maybe for a shorter time to go get coffee together.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: But we both like to be active.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: So usually it was walking.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's how I started that first level of that first circle of community.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was somebody else that I had known a little bit.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I invited her out for coffee one day, and she said, sure, I'd love to go to coffee with you.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then that started another pillar of my community.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was another woman who I also knew liked to go hiking.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I said to her one day, I know a great hiking spot.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like to go with me?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, sure.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so my point is that sometimes taking that first step, inviting somebody to do something with you that you don't really know might seem a little bit intimidating or scary, but it doesn't have to.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody that I have asked out for coffee or hiking or lunch has ever responded with, how dare you ask me that.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: It has been, sure, let me look at my calendar and see when might be a good day.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just want to encourage you with that.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: There might be people in your circle already that you know of that you might sense you could have a deeper friendship with.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it might require you to step out on a limb and make the first step.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that first step is gonna be the scariest, but I think that you'll find that it's worth it.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as we're coming up on spring and summer, the days get longer, and this is a great time to maybe sit outside, get to know your neighbors, um, enjoy the sunshine together.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they might be a great sense of support.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I know my mom's neighbors very, very well, and they have offered to help when my mom returns back home.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this relationship has been cultivated over 10 plus years of getting to know neighbors, their family, their kids.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so this is another sense of support.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: And when life begins to feel like it's too much, when we can no longer handle things on our own, these pillars of support just become so, so important for us to manage our life experience.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: As you begin to look at potentials, right, that maybe might become your pillars of support, your pillars of community, it does require showing up regularly.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: It does require follow-up.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can't just ask someone to coffee and then never talk to them again, right?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be willing to engage a little bit in that relationship.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then as you begin to engage in that relationship, you begin to become a bit more familiar to each other.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that familiarness begins to do the work for you because you begin to feel more comfortable.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: And when you feel more comfortable, you can begin to be more open.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're more open, when people know what's happening, they begin to ask how you're doing and ask for ways to support you.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: And also, trust builds over time, right?
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: We don't trust anyone immediately, and we can't expect ourselves to, especially if you've been managing things on your own, if you've done it out of self-protection or previous experience, it's gonna take a longer time for that trust to build and just know that.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Which you don't have to be vulnerable all at once.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how community forms, that's not how relationship forms.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: We give a little bit more of ourselves, we expose a little bit more of ourselves when we begin to feel more comfortable, and that happens over time.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so community builds through rhythm and trust, not through intensity or quantity.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: Our body rhythm is steady, and our body rhythm feels best when it is steady, predictable, safe, and supported.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: You do not need to go build your community today, right?
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to start asking everybody, but maybe you do need to write on a piece of paper five names of people that you might want to get to know a little bit better, and then decide out of those five names who you're gonna talk to, who you're gonna invite for a cup of coffee.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Coffee, you're gonna invite for a walk or a bike ride.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: What spaces to you feel regulating rather than draining?
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps going on a bike ride just feels like too much.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: What would feel good for you to go out and do with somebody else?
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I like coffee.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't require too much energy, can get something to drink at the same time, and if the connection doesn't work out like you thought, you can leave rather quickly.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: And for you, dear listener, who has everything on their plate, who tends to hold it all together, who tends to manage everything on their own, who might tend towards isolation in times of stress.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need community because you are weak.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: You need it because you're human.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: And this is part of the human experience relationship.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Letting someone else help you carry the load that you're carrying to offer insight and wisdom, to share in grief and sadness, but joy and happiness as well.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: And community helps remind you that you are dearly held and whole just as you are, and you are not alone.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: One of the reasons that I created the spring reset in April is because regulation accelerates in community.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're tired of managing stress alone and want structured support, details are in the show notes.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you for joining me today on this episode of The Body Rhythm.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: You are so dear and held.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Be well and nourished.