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21 | The Candy Man Can · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:01
  Matt: So it turns out I live in a den of sin.
• 0:05
  Matt: Please tell me more.
• 0:07
  Matt: I shall.
• 0:08
  Matt: Eric, I I've lived in this apartment complex.
• 0:10
  Matt: Uh as as the listeners and you know, I moved here not long ago, a couple months.
• 0:18
  Matt: Um and I have discovered a disturbing trend throughout this apartment complex in terms of the apartment complex's uh culture.
• 0:30
  Matt: I think every everybody can agree an apartment complex has sort of its own culture, its own ecosystem.
• 0:37
  Eric: Subtle sometimes subtle, but yeah.
• 0:38
  Matt: Sometimes subtle as any neighborhood would, you know?
• 0:41
  Matt: Yeah.
• 0:41
  Matt: There are there are unspoken laws of a neighborhood.
• 0:46
  Matt: Yep.
• 0:46
  Matt: And our apartment complex is is very similar.
• 0:49
  Matt: And my apartment complex happens to be within walking distance of a supermarket.
• 0:55
  Matt: Okay?
• 0:57
  Matt: Which is very convenient.
• 0:59
  Matt: Very convenient.
• 1:00
  Matt: In fact, it's so convenient that some people and it seems like more and more people in this apartment complex are choosing to just walk their shopping cart from the supermarket in question directly into their kitchen.
• 1:22
  Eric: Oh dear.
• 1:24
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:25
  Eric: Questions.
• 1:26
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:27
  Eric: What how I bet you do.
• 1:30
  Eric: How close is this supermarket?
• 1:32
  Eric: I'd say like if you were to walk out of your front door right now and go to the supermarket, how long until you are in the supermarket?
• 1:41
  Matt: Well, I think it depends where in the complex you are located.
• 1:44
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:45
  Matt: But if from like the let's just to give everybody a baseline from like the from the front entrance, not counting your personal travel time to the front entrance.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:57
  Matt: I'd say we're talking a five-minute walk into the door of the shopping set, the the grocery store.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:06
  Eric: Second question.
• 2:08
  Eric: Yes.
• 2:08
  Eric: Once they have once the ordinance has been delivered, the the groceries.
• 2:14
  Eric: The package.
• 2:14
  Eric: Yes, they have been delivered unto apartment 24B.
• 2:18
  Eric: Yes.
• 2:20
  Eric: What do they return the carts?
• 2:24
  Matt: Let me ask you a follow-up question, Eric.
• 2:26
  Matt: Yeah.
• 2:27
  Matt: What do you think?
• 2:30
  Matt: Is it no?
• 2:31
  Matt: It's no.
• 2:32
  Eric: Den of sin.
• 2:34
  Matt: These shopping carts are all over this apartment complex.
• 2:41
  Matt: To the point that the maintenance staff will gather them and bring them to the dumpster rather than return them to the shopping center or to the grocery store.
• 2:54
  Matt: And not only that, people have started hiding the storing these shopping carts in stairwells and other undesirable locations.
• 3:07
  Matt: And I believe it is so they can go find them when they need when they need them.
• 3:14
  Matt: And I notice them because I walk around.
• 3:20
  Matt: So like I tend to at lunch and after work, I try to do a walk just to get my body moved.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:26
  Matt: You know?
• 3:27
  Matt: And so I see them.
• 3:28
  Matt: I see them all over the place.
• 3:29
  Matt: So there have been times when I've been getting big shit out of the car, have to walk to my apartment, and I say, Let me go get a cart, because they're all over the place.
• 3:39
  Matt: That is nuts.
• 3:40
  Matt: The culture has sucked me in.
• 3:43
  Matt: And I have used these illegally obtained shopping carts.
• 3:48
  Matt: It's felony, bruh.
• 3:49
  Matt: It's a felony, bruh.
• 3:51
  Matt: It's a felony.
• 3:52
  Matt: I don't know that it is, but it's certainly some sort of crime.
• 3:56
  Matt: I think else.
• 3:58
  Eric: I'm trying to remember, I think it does become felony theft in Maryland, because those shopping carts are actually expensive as fuck.
• 4:04
  Eric: Like they're yeah.
• 4:06
  Matt: But and maybe that is why the maintenance staff does not want to return them.
• 4:09
  Matt: But here's the thing: the maintenance staff also uses them.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 4:15
  Matt: I have seen them load them up and bring them to an apartment.
• 4:18
  Matt: If they're doing repairs or whatever, they'll put them on the cart.
• 4:21
  Matt: They'll put their tools on the cart.
• 4:23
  Matt: Jesus Christ.
• 4:24
  Eric: Yeah, see, like, so this was kind of like my mental journey with this.
• 4:29
  Eric: It was like, if the grocery store is more is like further than five minutes away, I'm like, no, why would you take the carts?
• 4:36
  Eric: But if it's five minutes away, it's like, all right, all right, I get it.
• 4:40
  Eric: Not everyone has like a fucking car.
• 4:42
  Eric: Not everyone, and and not everyone can carry like an entire week's worth of groceries.
• 4:47
  Eric: So like if you take in the cart, drop your shit off, and then you take the cart back, I like I think there's nothing in the world wrong with that.
• 4:56
  Eric: But you're it's maliciously like just like no, just leaving them all about, hiding them.
• 5:04
  Eric: Like at that point, I don't have any sympathy, dog.
• 5:08
  Matt: No, and I have to say that the fact that I have said to myself, I bet I can go find a shopping cart, says to me, I have been corrupted by this place.
• 5:18
  Matt: Oh, yeah, you're in it.
• 5:19
  Matt: This this pirate's cove that I find myself living in.
• 5:24
  Matt: This Moss Isley.
• 5:27
  Matt: I am living in a community of thieves.
• 5:45
  Matt: And welcome back to yet another episode of You Didn't Ask for This, the podcast answering all of life's least pressing questions.
• 5:54
  Matt: My name is Matt Shay.
• 5:55
  Matt: My name's Eric Poach.
• 5:57
  Matt: And this is episode 21, 21 episodes now in the books.
• 6:02
  Matt: I'm a drink! Uh, the Eric, how have you been once again?
• 6:07
  Matt: It's been a while for the two of us.
• 6:08
  Eric: Oh, many moons, Matthew.
• 6:10
  Eric: Many well, uh a moon, I think.
• 6:13
  Matt: Yeah, like one specific moon.
• 6:15
  Matt: One very specific moon.
• 6:17
  Matt: Uh and I hope you all enjoyed last uh last last fortnight's uh best of episode of the first 20 episodes.
• 6:25
  Matt: Uh but we are back to start a new trail, a new trail of best of risen from the ashes.
• 6:32
  Matt: Yes, yes.
• 6:33
  Matt: And uh we have a big question for you today.
• 6:37
  Matt: Yes.
• 6:38
  Matt: Uh we're gonna get to that positive I I think we have a new segment actually for you.
• 6:42
  Matt: Yeah.
• 6:42
  Matt: Uh, but we'll we will get to that in due time.
• 6:46
  Matt: So, first up, Eric, would you like to lay us lay on us the first question of the day?
• 6:54
  Eric: I will lay on to you this question.
• 6:56
  Eric: This question comes from across the sea, from our good friend and noble British citizen, Andy Rawlings.
• 7:08
  Eric: Uh the question is Always a cookie on Instagram.
• 7:12
  Eric: Always a cookie on Instagram.
• 7:14
  Eric: There it is.
• 7:16
  Eric: Top five events that are not currently Olympic events, but in your wisdom should be.
• 7:23
  Matt: And it's a topical question, Eric.
• 7:25
  Matt: Yep.
• 7:26
  Matt: The Olympics have just begun when we are recording this episode.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 7:31
  Matt: And they're just ending, really, when you're gonna be listening to it.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 7:36
  Matt: So there are many a random sounding, more so in winter, I think.
• 7:43
  Matt: But there are still some random Olympic sports.
• 7:46
  Matt: Oh, you're gonna be able to do that.
• 7:47
  Matt: You know, like curling curling, of course, classic example.
• 7:51
  Matt: We just won the gold.
• 7:54
  Matt: Our first gold of this Olympics was in a rifle shooting, which come on.
• 8:00
  Eric: If we're gonna win anything, if any country's gonna take the gold in guns, it's got to be the USA.
• 8:07
  Matt: Yeah.
• 8:07
  Matt: And I don't say that entirely positively, but No.
• 8:12
  Matt: You know, we we got a gun problem, but we should at least take advantage of it when it comes to getting the gold.
• 8:19
  Matt: Am I right?
• 8:20
  Eric: You're right, brother.
• 8:22
  Matt: So, but that again, that is real.
• 8:24
  Matt: So, what we need is an Olympic event that is not the Olympics.
• 8:30
  Matt: Yeah.
• 8:30
  Matt: Not in the Olympics.
• 8:32
  Matt: Let me ask you this.
• 8:33
  Matt: Okay.
• 8:34
  Matt: Are we expanding beyond the the wide world of sports?
• 8:38
  Eric: I think everything should be on the table.
• 8:44
  Matt: Oh, okay.
• 8:45
  Matt: I mean, it is 2021 after all.
• 8:47
  Matt: Yeah.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:48
  Matt: A lot has been opened up to us.
• 8:51
  Matt: In fact, if you were to do an Olympic event of specifically the pandemic, I think the event would have to be Netflix and Chillin'.
• 9:00
  Eric: Yeah.
• 9:00
  Eric: Like Netflix marathons straight in a row.
• 9:03
  Eric: Just binging.
• 9:04
  Eric: Just binging.
• 9:05
  Eric: Just binging.
• 9:05
  Eric: Binging.
• 9:06
  Matt: How do you win that though?
• 9:08
  Matt: How do you uh how what does the uh Olympic event of binging look like?
• 9:13
  Matt: Ooh.
• 9:18
  Eric: Competitors are all given the same show to binge.
• 9:20
  Eric: Whoever can recall the most minute details about the show after freshly viewing it for the first time and binging it, they win.
• 9:30
  Matt: I think also maybe there needs to be a other act the a level of comprehension is is an is an exam, right?
• 9:40
  Matt: That's like the test, that's like the actual event.
• 9:43
  Matt: But also you need to have a certain level of side activities completed during the week.
• 9:51
  Eric: Yes, yes.
• 9:52
  Eric: You it can't like if if the contest is just you sitting in front of a screen memorizing every deal.
• 9:56
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 9:57
  Eric: There has to be something.
• 9:58
  Matt: You have to make food, you have to order pizzas.
• 10:00
  Matt: How yeah, how many snacks have you gone through?
• 10:03
  Matt: How many uh how many online errands have you run?
• 10:07
  Matt: Yeah, you know, bills paid, etc.
• 10:09
  Eric: If you manage to like clock a couple of shifts at your remote job while doing this, that is that is gold medal material.
• 10:17
  Matt: Uh what did you buy on Amazon during the binge?
• 10:22
  Matt: Yes.
• 10:22
  Matt: Especially if it was inspired by the binge.
• 10:26
  Eric: Oh, absolutely.
• 10:28
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 10:30
  Eric: I feel like the judges, I feel like this would be a very subjective event.
• 10:35
  Eric: Um, like much like you know, judging the beauty of the performance.
• 10:40
  Eric: Like the you know, uh like a dog.
• 10:42
  Matt: What really we're talking about a dog show now, almost.
• 10:45
  Matt: Yeah.
• 10:46
  Eric: I I I feel like the the the trick that someone would pull, it would only work once.
• 10:52
  Eric: Um, but it would it would instantly net them so many points with the judges.
• 10:56
  Eric: While they're binge watching and doing Amazon shopping, they're purchasing the extended DVD set of the show they're watching on Netflix.
• 11:05
  Eric: Oh, sure, yeah.
• 11:06
  Eric: Because we know Netflix isn't gonna automatically include those extended scenes.
• 11:11
  Matt: Probably not.
• 11:12
  Matt: No, so that's good.
• 11:13
  Matt: That's good.
• 11:13
  Matt: It shows a level of fandom dedication.
• 11:16
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 11:18
  Matt: So I think we have we've outlined the binging event.
• 11:22
  Matt: There's pretty well.
• 11:23
  Eric: There's the the Netflix, the the the Netflix binge event.
• 11:26
  Eric: Um Olympic binging.
• 11:28
  Eric: Olympic binging.
• 11:30
  Eric: Um I I personally think I have a lot of friends who have worked food service.
• 11:38
  Eric: Sam, oh yeah, sure, of course.
• 11:41
  Eric: Uh one of my closest friends, Patrick, works food service.
• 11:45
  Eric: And he he was literally describing to me, like the hearing him describe it, it sounds like an Olympic sport because he he has worked in some of the busiest restaurants in Baltimore.
• 11:55
  Eric: And he's describing to me what he calls the death grip.
• 11:59
  Eric: Uh, it is the grip, it is a way he can hold a tray where like it doesn't matter how much you fucking stack on it.
• 12:07
  Eric: He can carry like he like his grip strength in his hand is fucking nuts because he would regularly have to carry like five, five or six different meals and drink stuff on a single tray, like one-handed.
• 12:20
  Matt: He might as well be uh a a rock climber, a free climber.
• 12:24
  Matt: Pretty much based on what you're describing as his his hand strength.
• 12:28
  Eric: I absolutely want that to be an event.
• 12:30
  Eric: Like the field of the field of Olympic battle is like a busy ass restaurant.
• 12:36
  Matt: Olympic serving, yeah.
• 12:37
  Eric: Yeah, Olympic serving.
• 12:39
  Eric: And like just they've got to keep track of the orders, they've got to take them out like that.
• 12:44
  Eric: Yeah, it there will be like screaming kids and fucking like children running around, like just stick to that landing.
• 12:53
  Matt: Related, I want to say, based on uh my experience and both both of our community, our our communal community, the theater community, house management needs to be an Olympic and event in and of itself.
• 13:11
  Matt: It's very athletic.
• 13:13
  Matt: Lots of sweating going on when you're dealing with people's complaints about their tickets and being their late seating requests after the show has begun.
• 13:23
  Eric: Customer service in general, just an amazing customer service.
• 13:27
  Matt: Will be that'll be like the you know, gymnastics is like the you know, the parents.
• 13:32
  Eric: And then under under customer service, you've got the the servers Olympics.
• 13:36
  Eric: You've got the service Olympics.
• 13:37
  Matt: You've got front of house.
• 13:38
  Matt: Yeah, you've got all these different things underneath customer service.
• 13:42
  Matt: 100% agree.
• 13:44
  Matt: Um, the Karen challenge, like you know how like gymnastics, gymnastics has to deal with uh the balance beam, the uneven bars.
• 13:53
  Matt: One of the events will be the Karen.
• 13:55
  Matt: Just the Karen.
• 13:56
  Matt: Yeah.
• 13:56
  Eric: There the Karen it it opens it.
• 13:59
  Eric: You have to navigate a Karen complaint.
• 14:01
  Eric: And it the complaint is coming.
• 14:03
  Eric: It's can you stop it?
• 14:04
  Eric: Can you reverse it?
• 14:06
  Eric: Oh, I like that.
• 14:07
  Eric: Can you stop it?
• 14:08
  Matt: Being able to because can you hear, can you just hear those Olympic commentators right now?
• 14:13
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: And and and we see, we see Karen is currently berating Matthew.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, she oh, she looks like she's pulling out the phone.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna call corporate.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, wait, wait, what's this?
• 14:24
  Matt: It's a gift card.
• 14:25
  Matt: She's standing at the bar, she's looking around.
• 14:28
  Matt: You can see her notice.
• 14:31
  Matt: Oh, looking at her watch now, and here comes Greg.
• 14:34
  Matt: Greg coming, he sees it too.
• 14:37
  Matt: He's coming over, and now oh, we gotta smile.
• 14:39
  Matt: Oh, we gotta smile.
• 14:41
  Matt: That Greg, you know, he's oh, I've said this before, Eric.
• 14:44
  Matt: Greg is a charmer.
• 14:46
  Matt: Yeah.
• 14:48
  Matt: I can see it.
• 14:49
  Matt: I can hear it.
• 14:50
  Eric: Yeah.
• 14:51
  Eric: So yeah, the I Yes.
• 14:54
  Eric: Food sounds.
• 14:55
  Matt: And then you can see them, you can see them being like, oh, yeah, okay, he missed the prevention opportunity on that one.
• 15:01
  Matt: Karen has hugged and puffed.
• 15:04
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 15:04
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 15:05
  Eric: If uh if if if if she pulls that purse strap up any higher, it's all over for him.
• 15:14
  Matt: Oh man, beware that purse strap.
• 15:16
  Eric: For our listeners named Karen, know that we love you and appreciate you.
• 15:20
  Eric: Thank you for taking one for the team.
• 15:22
  Eric: We're not talking about you personally, but I think deep down inside, you do understand the term.
• 15:28
  Eric: Well, Matt, what are they gonna do about it?
• 15:30
  Eric: Complain?
• 15:33
  Matt: Yes, Eric.
• 15:34
  Matt: I do believe they will.
• 15:37
  Matt: So.
• 15:38
  Matt: Okay, so we've got the customer service, we got binging.
• 15:40
  Eric: We've got customer service, we got binging.
• 15:42
  Eric: Um what's something physical?
• 15:48
  Eric: I'm I I I want something.
• 15:51
  Eric: There do I mean I think we've described.
• 15:55
  Eric: I mean, like let's see if we can get like are there any sports that we can like any obscure sports that we that we we believe uh skateboarding finally got in.
• 16:06
  Eric: I mean for a little while now.
• 16:08
  Eric: For a little while now.
• 16:09
  Matt: But yes.
• 16:10
  Matt: What about disc golf?
• 16:12
  Matt: Do we care?
• 16:13
  Matt: Disc golf.
• 16:15
  Eric: What about LARPing?
• 16:16
  Eric: I was gonna say LARPing, honestly, LARPing would be fucking dope because each nation sends an army.
• 16:26
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 16:28
  Eric: We get we get a little bit of that Roman Coliseum action, but with phone weaponry.
• 16:34
  Eric: I would love us to bring back the Coliseum.
• 16:36
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 16:37
  Eric: And like watching watching like the US and Brazil get into rules arguments.
• 16:46
  Matt: Oh yes.
• 16:47
  Matt: Yes.
• 16:48
  Matt: Oh I think so.
• 16:50
  Matt: And you know what?
• 16:51
  Matt: Is there an opportunity to incorporate some uh Renaissance fair-based activities here as well?
• 17:00
  Eric: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 17:02
  Eric: Of which you would be the expert here in the room.
• 17:05
  Eric: Ha uh having worked for the Renaissance Festival for like, yeah, for for five years or so.
• 17:11
  Eric: Um yeah, that could be that there could be an interesting political twist.
• 17:17
  Eric: Yes.
• 17:18
  Eric: Uh yeah, we like each country, it it just turns into a get a live game of Civ Six.
• 17:23
  Eric: They're like, each country pick a leader from your nation's history.
• 17:27
  Eric: And uh you'll you'll be their army.
• 17:30
  Matt: That's your representation.
• 17:32
  Matt: Yes.
• 17:33
  Matt: Okay.
• 17:34
  Matt: I think we're I I mean, I think LARPing is a solid uh additional sport.
• 17:38
  Eric: I'll tell you this.
• 17:39
  Eric: I don't think that event is like I don't think the LARPing event is like a one and done in like an like an hour or two.
• 17:46
  Eric: I think that is going on the entire Olympics.
• 17:50
  Eric: Like they like they have until the ti the Olympics are over to like stage this geopolitical war.
• 17:59
  Matt: It allows for a last second siege, perhaps, like a last second um uh strategic flanking?
• 18:07
  Matt: Matt.
• 18:08
  Eric: Yes.
• 18:08
  Eric: What if as countries won medals that corresponded to like resources and shit getting replenished for their armies?
• 18:17
  Eric: Like you like if like a certain number of your guys, like air quotes died in battle, you get a gold medal, you get like 20 of them back.
• 18:25
  Matt: Incorporating the is this just the LARPing events, or is this other is the you're talking about like the Olympics on a whole?
• 18:32
  Matt: I'm talking about like you get it, you get X number of gold, you get to make a catapult.
• 18:37
  Eric: Yeah, like as the Olympics are happening in the background of the LARP event, like yeah, we we take a fucking we take a silver for fucking shot putt, and we get like, alright, you get a horse.
• 18:49
  Eric: You can just spend it on fucking resources for the LARP.
• 18:53
  Matt: Here's Norway running around with just one dude on a horse with his bamboo sword.
• 18:58
  Eric: Fucking our our guys are over here praying into Michael Phelps.
• 19:03
  Eric: Come back to us, please, Lord.
• 19:06
  Matt: Return to us, Michael.
• 19:09
  Matt: Uh I well, I think those are some solid candidates to throw in here.
• 19:15
  Matt: Yeah.
• 19:16
  Matt: Always a cookie.
• 19:17
  Matt: Uh so there you have it.
• 19:19
  Matt: We've got customer service, we've got binging, we've got LARPing.
• 19:23
  Matt: Uh what I miss.
• 19:24
  Matt: Anything?
• 19:25
  Matt: I think those are the big categories.
• 19:26
  Eric: It's a top five.
• 19:29
  Eric: Um I would say, as a as an honorable mention to uh in the spirit of skateboarding having getting uh uh uh uh introduced the Olympics, because it correct me if I'm wrong, they're just straight up doing Vert.
• 19:44
  Eric: It's on half pipes and shit.
• 19:45
  Eric: Like for skateboarding.
• 19:47
  Eric: I can't tell you specifically, Eric, without us pausing to look.
• 19:50
  Eric: Do you want me to pause to look?
• 19:51
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 19:52
  Eric: Well, I was gonna ask if if if grinding is an Olympic event.
• 19:58
  Eric: Like, who like we just have like a hundred yards of that sweet, sweet pipe.
• 20:05
  Eric: Oh and we just gotta see like oh my god, like a grinding rate, like just like a bunch of skateboarders grinding down this rail and trying to stick the landing.
• 20:14
  Eric: I think that'd be cool as fuck.
• 20:17
  Eric: That would be cool.
• 20:18
  Matt: And I I actually I have to I just checked.
• 20:22
  Matt: I do have to stand corrected.
• 20:24
  Matt: This is the debut.
• 20:25
  Matt: This this Olympics is the debut of the Olympic skateboarding.
• 20:29
  Matt: And uh it looks like the two events are park and street in men and women's uh skateboarding.
• 20:36
  Eric: So yeah, so they got their half-pipe events and then they've got their street skateboarding events, which I'm gonna be like tricks off of cars and shit.
• 20:43
  Eric: I don't know.
• 20:44
  Eric: That's where the grinding would happen.
• 20:45
  Eric: But I want a grind only event.
• 20:48
  Eric: I want to see I want to see which nation can go the distance, as as Hercules once said.
• 20:57
  Matt: Of course.
• 20:58
  Matt: So we've got the we've got customer service, we've got binging, we've got grinding, we have LARPing.
• 21:05
  Matt: LARPing, and then anything else you would add?
• 21:08
  Matt: I mean, well, we did come up with some sub-events that I feel could be.
• 21:12
  Matt: Sub-events coming there.
• 21:14
  Eric: Uh oh, I'll just add this one in.
• 21:16
  Eric: Just going back to my Renfare roots, jousting, bruh.
• 21:19
  Matt: I think that's what I kind of was getting at with the with the Renfare thing.
• 21:22
  Matt: Yeah.
• 21:22
  Matt: Like, let's put jousting in there.
• 21:24
  Matt: Let's put jousting in there.
• 21:25
  Matt: Let's go the distance.
• 21:25
  Eric: Dude, it's Maryland's official sport.
• 21:29
  Matt: And so we shall joust.
• 21:31
  Matt: And so we shall joust.
• 21:33
  Matt: Uh so there you have it, always a cookie.
• 21:35
  Matt: I want to point out, Eric, we have gotten through this whole thing without doing a British accent.
• 21:39
  Matt: Um, should we do one?
• 21:43
  Eric: Oh no, sorry.
• 21:43
  Eric: I had something caught in my throat.
• 21:45
  Eric: I was just like clearing it.
• 21:46
  Eric: I just I do that like what even is that sound?
• 21:51
  Eric: Oh, so the 12th minute.
• 21:55
  Eric: Okay, that's it.
• 21:56
  Eric: I love Andy to death, and I know I can feel him dead.
• 22:00
  Eric: Dying on the inside every time.
• 22:02
  Matt: In fairness, he did provoke us on Instagram by challenging us to tag him when we when we do an accent.
• 22:10
  Matt: So there you go.
• 22:10
  Matt: Yeah.
• 22:10
  Matt: Oh wait, a cookie.
• 22:12
  Matt: Now, Eric, I think that brings us to what I'm I'm gonna say is today's main segment.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Main segment.
• 22:21
  Matt: It's been a minute.
• 22:22
  Matt: It's still there.
• 22:23
  Matt: We have had a question come in from um the user seems to be somebody called Simply Lindsay.
• 22:30
  Eric: Oh, whoever could that be.
• 22:32
  Matt: Uh so she brings in a question that has been asked before.
• 22:37
  Matt: No doubt about it.
• 22:38
  Matt: This is not an original question necessarily, but it is an important one.
• 22:43
  Matt: Yes.
• 22:44
  Matt: And one I feel was gonna take some time, and one that I felt needed some research.
• 22:52
  Matt: Oh, yes.
• 22:53
  Matt: So I have prepared for this, and I think if I were to propose this to you, Eric, I think what we're looking at here is a you didn't ask for this investigation.
• 23:07
  Matt: The question is, what criminal violations does Willy Wonka face?
• 23:15
  Matt: Because it's not a question of if.
• 23:17
  Matt: Oh, it is not a question of if.
• 23:21
  Matt: Decidedly not if.
• 23:23
  Matt: Eric, in preparation for this question, I watched Willy Wonk and the Chocolate Factory, and I do want to limit, I think, our discussion to the film Willy Wonk and the Chocolate Factory.
• 23:36
  Matt: Starring Sir Gene Wilder.
• 23:38
  Matt: Starring Gene Wilder not counting, specifically not counting the book and movie and musical, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
• 23:47
  Eric: Yeah, I would agree with that.
• 23:48
  Matt: We are talking about the the the the beloved version of the Willy Wonka universe.
• 23:55
  Eric: Um I I will say this, Matt.
• 23:56
  Eric: So you you rewatched Willy Wonk and the Chocolate Factory.
• 23:59
  Eric: I rewatched the Willy Wonk and the Chocolate Factory, took notes.
• 24:02
  Eric: Did you sit through Cheerup Charlie?
• 24:05
  Eric: Uh I skipped a little bit.
• 24:09
  Eric: My man! No, like that's like that that's how I know you came correct, because everyone you see everyone skips Cheer Up Charlie.
• 24:17
  Matt: I skipped some of Cheerup Charlie mainly because I was uh watching this ahead of this episode and and knew Cheer Up Charlie would not contain any criminal violations of Willy Wonka.
• 24:30
  Eric: Unless a sad kid walking down the street is a crime, which I guess in Charlie Bucket's life it could be.
• 24:36
  Matt: Now, you bring up some interesting points there, Eric, because of course Charlie is the focus of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
• 24:46
  Matt: Yeah.
• 24:47
  Matt: But of the book, especially, it is uh actually called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
• 24:52
  Matt: But this movie has put all of the emphasis on Willy Wonka.
• 24:57
  Eric: Yeah.
• 24:57
  Eric: Now Charlie is incidental.
• 25:00
  Matt: I would like to start.
• 25:02
  Matt: I have some notes here.
• 25:03
  Matt: Yep.
• 25:04
  Matt: Um, I also did some a Google in to get and sources are varied.
• 25:11
  Matt: Wikipedia, some YouTube videos here and there, but most of it has just been to reacquaint myself with the laws broken.
• 25:21
  Matt: First and foremost, the first thing that when Charlie sit goes up to the gates, you know, and is like staring and that weird man comes up.
• 25:30
  Matt: Yes, the tinker.
• 25:32
  Matt: The weird man comes up to him and says, Nobody goes in and nobody ever comes out.
• 25:38
  Matt: And then he does that like that weird little like rhyme, that little poem.
• 25:42
  Matt: He does a poem and then he walks away.
• 25:44
  Matt: This, I mean, this is a pretty big red flag.
• 25:47
  Matt: Nobody goes in, nobody comes out.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 25:50
  Matt: I I'm not saying that there is a crime in that specifically, but I feel like there has to be, first of all, in some terms of like abduction, we're gonna get to that in a little bit.
• 26:03
  Matt: Uh, and also like elite is there has to be some sort of like illegal exit.
• 26:10
  Matt: It screams this is a front.
• 26:13
  Matt: Screams this is a front.
• 26:15
  Matt: Yeah.
• 26:16
  Matt: Uh the so that's the first thing that I think in terms of chronologically, when we run into Willy Wonka mentions.
• 26:25
  Eric: Yeah.
• 26:25
  Eric: Like he's already a huge recluse.
• 26:29
  Eric: Yes.
• 26:31
  Eric: And you know, everyone talked about everyone's stealing all this chocolate ideas and shit, but like I don't think I buy that.
• 26:38
  Matt: Also, let's let's just real quick flag the fact that this movie is like 50 years old, so spoilers abound.
• 26:46
  Matt: If you have managed to not yet see this film.
• 26:48
  Matt: And I bring that up because I think what you're referencing now is Slugworth.
• 26:53
  Eric: Which I I have thoughts on that.
• 26:56
  Matt: Yes.
• 26:56
  Matt: So Slugworth, as we know, the man that talks to all the children about stealing the everlasting gobstopper is in fact in the employee.
• 27:05
  Matt: Yes.
• 27:06
  Matt: Is an actor in the employee of Willy Wonka.
• 27:08
  Matt: He's he's his yeah, I think he's his lawyer or something.
• 27:11
  Matt: Yes.
• 27:12
  Matt: I forget the character's name.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: He works for me.
• 27:15
  Matt: Yes, he works for me, Charlie.
• 27:17
  Matt: So before we've even gotten to the factory, he is stalking children.
• 27:21
  Matt: Now, and this is another this is another big point.
• 27:24
  Matt: Uh you you jumped some of my notes, but I let's follow the train of thought.
• 27:29
  Matt: He shows up to each and every one of the winners of the golden ticket as soon as they seem to find it.
• 27:40
  Matt: Like within seconds.
• 27:44
  Matt: Like, pretty quickly, or like in in uh uh Violet Beauregard, he shows up at the press conference and whispers in her ear.
• 27:54
  Matt: But everybody else, he's there.
• 27:56
  Matt: Same thing with Augustus Gloop.
• 27:58
  Matt: He's he's in the uh uh he he Oh no, not Augustus Group, Mike, Mike TV.
• 28:05
  Matt: That's the real name of that character.
• 28:07
  Matt: Um he he's one of the reporters.
• 28:09
  Matt: Yep.
• 28:10
  Matt: And just in the middle of a camera lens pulls into the camera.
• 28:13
  Eric: I know, and like the camera like kind of like zooms in on him.
• 28:16
  Eric: Shout out to that camera guy.
• 28:18
  Matt: Shout out to the cameraman who was like, I got the real story here that the whole world seemed to ignore.
• 28:24
  Matt: So my question is, how does this actor know to be there?
• 28:30
  Matt: And the qu the answer to that is simple.
• 28:32
  Matt: Willie, these are not random placements.
• 28:35
  Matt: Willy Wonka has targeted who he wants to receive the golden ticket.
• 28:40
  Eric: Yeah, because like you it's it's the wildest shit.
• 28:44
  Eric: It it like it's like, all right, let me make sure he's like he's like, I think he has something out against these specific kids, with with the exception of maybe like uh Mike T like, I feel like on the bottom of the socioeconomic chain is like Mike and Charlie.
• 29:03
  Eric: And then like Violet, Veruca, and Augustus are are like the upper tier with Verucca at the top, clearly.
• 29:10
  Matt: Yeah, we're gonna get into this once we're in the chocolate factory.
• 29:13
  Eric: Oh, sorry, first.
• 29:14
  Matt: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 29:15
  Matt: I'm saying, like, I I think you are correct because the point that I I'm gonna uh that I want to bring up about that is all of Willy Wonka's efforts to uh help these children when they become in peril are all boiled down to no stop, don't.
• 29:36
  Matt: Yeah, he he wanted them to get hurt.
• 29:38
  Matt: He wants them to get hurt.
• 29:41
  Matt: Now, uh we'll circle back to that, I think.
• 29:45
  Matt: One other thing I want to bring up, and this I think is is a first big actual violation.
• 29:50
  Matt: Ooh, give it to me.
• 29:52
  Matt: Eric, the golden ticket.
• 29:55
  Matt: Yep, is it not labeled as a sweepstakes?
• 30:01
  Eric: I believe it is.
• 30:02
  Matt: Yes, I believe it is too.
• 30:04
  Matt: I mean, I think by definition it is a sweepstakes.
• 30:07
  Matt: You know, you there's a random chance to win.
• 30:10
  Eric: Yeah.
• 30:11
  Matt: Presumably.
• 30:12
  Matt: I do believe it's been targeted.
• 30:14
  Matt: Now let me say this to you, Eric.
• 30:16
  Matt: Okay how do you how do you come by the golden ticket?
• 30:19
  Matt: Well, you buy Willy Wonk, a chocolate bar, wonka bar.
• 30:23
  Matt: Buy a wonka bar.
• 30:26
  Matt: What what is the one phrase that is associated with every single sweepstakes you've ever heard?
• 30:33
  Eric: Oh, uh, no, oh fuck, what is it?
• 30:35
  Eric: It's no entry fee.
• 30:37
  Eric: Or it's like, no, no, oh, uh, oh God.
• 30:40
  Matt: Um You want me to help you out?
• 30:42
  Eric: Yes.
• 30:44
  Matt: No purchase necessary.
• 30:47
  Eric: No purchase necessary.
• 30:49
  Matt: This does require a purchase which makes this legally.
• 30:53
  Matt: I had to look into this.
• 30:55
  Matt: It violates, at least in America, sweepstakes law and qualifies as an illegal uh an illegal lottery.
• 31:06
  Eric: Damn.
• 31:08
  Eric: Which this also, I feel like this muddies the water so much.
• 31:13
  Eric: I feel like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was like a propaganda film, like propaganda documentary made by Willy Wonka.
• 31:20
  Eric: Because they never they never tell you what fucking country they're in.
• 31:24
  Eric: And you can't go off of the accents.
• 31:27
  Matt: According to the book, according to the book, I had to look this up for something else.
• 31:32
  Matt: According to the book, the the the the country is the the story takes place in quote no particular country.
• 31:42
  Eric: Fucking hilarious.
• 31:44
  Eric: That and that screams like all like we have changed names and locations to protect the guilty.
• 31:50
  Matt: Let me tell you why I want to bring that up.
• 31:52
  Eric: Yeah.
• 31:53
  Matt: Because the obvious thing when talking about Willy Wonk and the Chocolate Factory and his criminal violations would point to what uh OSHA violations are committed in the factory.
• 32:06
  Matt: However, if this takes place in quote, no particular country, then OSHA has no jurisdiction.
• 32:14
  Eric: Yeah, we're in international waters but land.
• 32:18
  Matt: If if OSHA has no jurisdiction over this this country, I have to suggest that the location of Willy Wonka's factory was specifically chosen so he would not have any sort of oversight of procedures.
• 32:36
  Matt: Yeah.
• 32:36
  Eric: Oh, like how could it with impunity?
• 32:40
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 32:41
  Eric: Just uh yes.
• 32:44
  Matt: Now, all of this is skipping over.
• 32:47
  Matt: He's living the libertarian dream.
• 32:49
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 32:50
  Matt: And all of this is skipping over the obvious uh plot point that Grandpa Joe has his own criminal violations going with his disability fraud that he's absolutely committed.
• 33:03
  Eric: And we could talk about Grandpa Joe.
• 33:05
  Matt: Twenty years in the bed, Joe.
• 33:07
  Matt: Twenty years in the middle.
• 33:10
  Matt: Where the fuck did you get the candy bar, Joe?
• 33:12
  Matt: Where the fuck did you get the candy bar?
• 33:15
  Matt: Where the fuck did you get the candy bar, Joe?
• 33:18
  Matt: What were you doing with and what that's to say nothing of poor Grandpa George and Grandma Georgette?
• 33:27
  Eric: God damn it.
• 33:29
  Eric: Oh, you get out of bed for a chocolate factory tour, couldn't get out of bed to cover your daughter's shift at the fucking laundry place where she stirs shirt soup for 12 hours a day so she could maybe spend some time with her goddamn son.
• 33:44
  Matt: Which ironically is also something that Willy Wonka does to make candy.
• 33:50
  Matt: If you recall, he stirs in some clothes.
• 33:54
  Eric: Fuck.
• 33:54
  Eric: I never even thought about that.
• 33:57
  Matt: So I think it's time to go directly into the factory.
• 34:01
  Matt: Okay.
• 34:02
  Eric: All right.
• 34:02
  Eric: Uh so we don't.
• 34:04
  Matt: But before we even get there, he's committed crimes.
• 34:07
  Eric: Oh, go on.
• 34:08
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 34:09
  Eric: I'm saying he's doing it establishing, yes.
• 34:11
  Matt: He has broke he has broken crimes.
• 34:13
  Matt: Now the first thing that happens is they sign a contract.
• 34:16
  Matt: Which the children sign the contract, not the parents, the children.
• 34:21
  Eric: Miners signing a contract that becomes physically impossible to read.
• 34:26
  Eric: Exactly.
• 34:27
  Eric: Like what the fu I just thought that was funny and cute growing up.
• 34:30
  Eric: Now I'm like, what the fuck?
• 34:32
  Eric: It's pretty fucked up.
• 34:34
  Eric: It's it's pretty fucking garbage.
• 34:37
  Matt: Now, if once we're in, I think all the things point to health and safety violations.
• 34:44
  Matt: Or at least uh uh concerns.
• 34:47
  Matt: If we're if we're saying OSHA has no violation, great.
• 34:50
  Matt: Now you're telling me this Willy Wonka claims that the chocolate waterfall is churning the chocolate.
• 35:00
  unknown: Yes.
• 35:00
  Matt: He says that it is the only chocolate factory that churns its chocolate by waterfall, which is the only way to do it right, according to Willy Wonka.
• 35:10
  Matt: Yeah.
• 35:10
  Matt: Now let me and let let me refresh your memory, Eric.
• 35:13
  Matt: If you go back and you look at that waterfall, it is, if I want to be generous with it, it is kissing a rock on the way down.
• 35:23
  Matt: Yeah, it is, it is gravely caressing uh one rock on the wall.
• 35:30
  Matt: Yeah.
• 35:30
  Matt: Otherwise, this very thin looking super thin.
• 35:37
  Matt: This in reality, dyed water is not being churned one little bit.
• 35:47
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 35:50
  Eric: And like, this doesn't so there this this waterfall is in the room where everything is edible.
• 35:59
  Eric: You can eat everything, but like the implications there of like food, health, and safety?
• 36:07
  Eric: How long has this shit been out?
• 36:09
  Eric: Does it spoil?
• 36:11
  Eric: Like, what like I imagine an actual room where everything is edible would just smell like rotting garbage.
• 36:17
  Matt: What what rules are in place to stop the workers, who we're gonna get to next, from just eating stuff, and now you've just got oompa loompa saliva all over the place?
• 36:29
  Eric: Mold, there's the ants, Matthew.
• 36:32
  Eric: The ants.
• 36:33
  Matt: The the the mice, the I mean the rodent problem in general would be biblical.
• 36:39
  Matt: What do you have preventing any any of these types of nasty creatures from coming in here?
• 36:47
  Eric: Well, I have I have uh a very practical answer because again, and Matt, we're we're not going off the like as you said, we're not going off the book, we're not going off the because I just going basically pure off the information I'm presented, there's a workforce needs feeding, Matthew.
• 37:07
  Eric: And uh Are you suggesting that the Umpaloompas are fed rats?
• 37:13
  Eric: I'm suggesting that like I am suggesting that they that they forage for rats.
• 37:19
  Eric: Yes.
• 37:20
  Eric: My goodness.
• 37:21
  Eric: I that they probably hunting.
• 37:23
  Matt: We do not know what the living quarters of the Umpaloompas look like.
• 37:26
  Matt: No, God no.
• 37:28
  Matt: And I think we we I would like to because I do now want to discuss the Umpaloompas.
• 37:32
  Matt: Yes, please.
• 37:33
  Matt: Who Willy Wonka claims he took the entire population of Loompaland and moved them to his chocolate factory because they were being eaten.
• 37:46
  Matt: Yep, they're what he says.
• 37:50
  Matt: Yep.
• 37:51
  Matt: Now, if he does do that, I do believe this is in some violation of an immigration law.
• 38:01
  Matt: It's trafficking.
• 38:02
  Matt: And not only is it trafficking, he me he basically says they get to live here in sort of like a quid pro quo uh deal.
• 38:13
  Matt: I took them out of harm's way, and instead they now work, I have to assume, in indentured servitude.
• 38:23
  Matt: Oh to me.
• 38:24
  Eric: At best.
• 38:25
  Eric: At best, it is indentured servitude.
• 38:28
  Eric: At best it's serfdom.
• 38:29
  Matt: He has created slaves out of a population out of a species.
• 38:35
  Matt: He's implying that.
• 38:36
  Eric: The entire species.
• 38:37
  Matt: He's taken an entire species and made them his chocolate working slaves.
• 38:45
  Eric: And like at best, like, best case scenario, like they've probably never interacted with another human being outside of him and their handlers getting them there.
• 38:57
  Eric: Um like they have it's very dark.
• 39:01
  Eric: They have no frame of reference for how humans are supposed to be treated whatsoever.
• 39:08
  Eric: No.
• 39:11
  Matt: Now, here's another thing that I want to bring up.
• 39:14
  Matt: Uh we so we've addressed the workers.
• 39:17
  Matt: We've addressed the the the very questionable treatment of the Umpaloompas.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:24
  Matt: Now let's talk about this this tour of the chocolate factory.
• 39:28
  Matt: Okay.
• 39:29
  Matt: So what we we have our winners, Augustus Gloop, Verucca Salt, Violet Beauregard, Mike TV, and Charlie Bucket.
• 39:37
  Matt: All of them except for Charlie meet some sort of demise.
• 39:42
  Eric: Yep.
• 39:43
  Eric: Usually based around some sort of vice or you know they're all based around their own personal vices, yes.
• 39:50
  Matt: So Augustus Gloop falls in the Chocolate River, gets sucked into the tube.
• 39:54
  Matt: Gluttony, classic.
• 39:58
  Matt: We don't know what happens to any of them real.
• 40:01
  Matt: We never see them again.
• 40:03
  Matt: We never see them again.
• 40:05
  Matt: The film does not explicitly say that they were saved.
• 40:09
  Matt: And Willy Wonka seems to imply, particularly with Verucca Salt, who ends up in the furnace.
• 40:18
  Matt: In the furnace.
• 40:20
  Matt: And her only chance of not being killed in the furnace is that there are apparently two furnaces, and Willy Wonka is quote, not sure which furnace is working today.
• 40:32
  Eric: Yeah.
• 40:33
  Eric: Which also speaks again to like the no oversight, like shit's just breaking down.
• 40:38
  Eric: It's like also why I don't trust any of the food coming out of this goddamn place.
• 40:42
  Matt: But here's the thing, Eric.
• 40:44
  Matt: If if the whole idea is to get rid of these eggs, the bad eggs, yeah, why would they not be going to the working furnace?
• 40:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 40:54
  Matt: And like otherwise, they're just collecting in the bad furnace.
• 40:57
  Eric: Yes.
• 40:58
  Eric: Also, like, are we feeding children raw eggs even though they're made of like golden child?
• 41:05
  Matt: Like, how are the all the ingredients are questionable?
• 41:09
  Matt: He he's throwing trash and clothes into that like butter churn, like he's fucking Doc Brown headed to the future.
• 41:18
  Matt: Yep.
• 41:20
  Matt: He is willfully putting in ingredients that are absolutely contaminated.
• 41:27
  Eric: Also, man, I I'm not much I'm not much of a I'm not much of an egg-laying person.
• 41:35
  Eric: Okay.
• 41:36
  Eric: But when I think about eggs for consumption, right?
• 41:41
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 41:42
  Eric: Here, I just wanna this didn't dawn on me until like right now.
• 41:46
  Eric: Okay.
• 41:47
  Eric: So when farmers are sorting eggs, uh there's really only one consideration to be made when telling the difference between a good egg and a bad egg.
• 42:02
  Eric: What's that?
• 42:03
  Eric: A an a good egg is unfertilized.
• 42:10
  Eric: A bad egg has an embryo in it.
• 42:15
  Eric: Oh boy, yes.
• 42:17
  Eric: Which leads me to believe that the bad eggs getting sent to the furnace.
• 42:28
  Eric: Pile of which, at best, the best case scenario here for a veroca salt is that she does not land in a lake of fire, that she just lands on an entire day's worth of dead golden goose babies.
• 42:46
  Matt: On just a steel furnace.
• 42:49
  Matt: Just in the belly of a steel furnace.
• 42:52
  Matt: Like, there's no coming back from that.
• 42:55
  Matt: Okay, so so so just to go through these these rapid fire, Augustus Gloob ends up in the chocolate river, sucked through the tube, never seen it again.
• 43:03
  Matt: Veruca salt down to the furnace.
• 43:06
  Matt: Sorry, got to assume she was burned alive.
• 43:09
  Eric: She has the most grisly fate, hands down.
• 43:11
  Matt: She's e she's either burned alive or has been her neck has been broken.
• 43:15
  Matt: She's crippled for life.
• 43:18
  Eric: Maybe, maybe all of those fertilized, rotten eggs have broken her fall.
• 43:23
  Matt: Violet Beauregard becomes like three times her size, ten times her size, turns blue, potentially permanently disfigured.
• 43:33
  Matt: Yes.
• 43:34
  Matt: Uh and and she's being she needs to go be juiced, is when she goes away.
• 43:41
  Matt: Juiced.
• 43:42
  Matt: So And I don't even want to think about what they did with that juice.
• 43:46
  Matt: So they say, so Willie says he has to she has to be juiced right away or she'll explode.
• 43:51
  Matt: Do you know what happens after he says that sentence, Eric?
• 43:53
  Matt: What happens?
• 43:54
  Matt: The Umpa Loompas toss her around a little while while they sing a song.
• 43:59
  Matt: Just
• 44:00
  Eric: Just you know, run a few back on the court with her.
• 44:03
  Matt: Absolutely no urgency to get her to the juicing room.
• 44:07
  Matt: Nope.
• 44:08
  Matt: I have to assume she either popped or has been permanently disfigured.
• 44:13
  Matt: Like, how do you come back from that?
• 44:15
  Matt: Augustus Gloop, I think, is also dead.
• 44:18
  Matt: Oh.
• 44:19
  Matt: Because if nothing else, the at the the rate of speed he goes through that tube, the pressure had to have killed him.
• 44:25
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 44:26
  Eric: Yeah, like it He was also like it's a miracle he just didn't drown immediately when he was sucked under.
• 44:32
  Eric: He was down there a long time.
• 44:34
  Matt: He's down there for a long time.
• 44:36
  Matt: Then he's stuck in a tube, and the only reason he gets out is the pressure builds up behind him and shoots him out like a rocket.
• 44:43
  Eric: There's no fucking kill switch, Wonka.
• 44:46
  Eric: There's no everything.
• 44:49
  Eric: There's no OSHA in this fucking god-awful place.
• 44:52
  Eric: Not at all.
• 44:52
  Eric: So Mike TV is shrunk.
• 44:54
  Eric: Mike TV is like Mike TV of them all probably got out the easiest.
• 44:59
  Matt: He's broken up into a million particles.
• 45:01
  Matt: Yep.
• 45:02
  Eric: And he's put into the TV.
• 45:04
  Eric: Which, which that could be an entire episode onto itself.
• 45:09
  Eric: Like my.
• 45:09
  Matt: It seems like he is physically unharmed.
• 45:12
  Matt: Other than being trunken.
• 45:14
  Eric: Well, Matt, we don't know if this was like, I don't know if you've seen the hit documentary about magic called The Prestige.
• 45:22
  Eric: But but it explores a very similar thing where like they're like a Doug.
• 45:29
  Eric: And and and this is this is also explored like at length in in among the Star Trek fandom.
• 45:35
  Eric: The idea that they don't have teleporters, they essentially have cloning machines.
• 45:41
  Eric: That you don't you can't like you're you're basically deleting one life form and then making a carbon copy of them.
• 45:50
  Eric: And as far as the carbon copy is concerned, not like they they went from one side of the room to the other, but in reality the original was vaporized.
• 46:00
  Eric: I honest to God believe that's what happened to our boy Mike TV.
• 46:03
  Matt: But the good news about Mike TV is if he if he maintains his own consciousness, if his soul is intact, the man will get I guaranteed to get his lifelong dream of being a TV star.
• 46:18
  Matt: That is true.
• 46:18
  Matt: There's no doubt about it.
• 46:19
  Matt: Oh, 100%.
• 46:20
  Matt: Everyone wants to put the the little shrunken man on TV.
• 46:24
  Matt: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 46:25
  Matt: Yeah.
• 46:25
  Eric: Now, let's talk about some of the eight-inch fiance.
• 46:29
  Matt: My eight-inch fiance.
• 46:31
  Matt: Let's talk about some other elements of this factory.
• 46:35
  Matt: One that stood out to me in particular.
• 46:36
  Matt: First of all, I don't even know how to address the boat scene.
• 46:40
  Eric: We, we, other than other than he fed the fucking entire party psychedelics.
• 46:47
  Matt: Some sort of drugs were involved in and it happens right after that eating room, if memory serves.
• 46:54
  Matt: So I have to assume everything's laced with drugs.
• 46:56
  Eric: Everything's laced with drugs, and man, he wanted them on a bat.
• 47:00
  Eric: And fucking for us, I'm fucking seven years old watching this movie, watching chickens getting their heads chopped off.
• 47:07
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 47:08
  Matt: It's it is freak the scene is freakish.
• 47:12
  Matt: The scene is a is a horror film.
• 47:14
  Matt: To quote Violet Beauregard, what is this?
• 47:16
  Matt: A freak out.
• 47:19
  Matt: So after the freak out, there is there is later on another mode of transportation that I want to transportation, is what I just said.
• 47:28
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 47:28
  Matt: The Wonkamobile.
• 47:30
  Matt: Oh yes.
• 47:30
  Matt: Run run runs on soda, I believe.
• 47:33
  Matt: Runs on soda.
• 47:34
  Matt: Everything gets all bubbly.
• 47:36
  Matt: But here is something that I want to that stood out to me.
• 47:40
  Matt: The Wonka Mobile appears towards the end of the tour.
• 47:43
  Matt: Yeah.
• 47:43
  Matt: There are only enough seats for the members of the party that are still there.
• 47:52
  Matt: Pre-meditated.
• 47:54
  Matt: Everything has been pre-meditated.
• 47:58
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 47:58
  Matt: You can't tell me that that he didn't know.
• 48:02
  Matt: Because what would have happened if Augustus didn't fall in the water?
• 48:06
  Matt: If if if Violet didn't need to be juiced, if they were all there with their parents, what would they have done?
• 48:16
  Matt: They just walked.
• 48:18
  Matt: I don't know.
• 48:18
  Matt: I mean they could have.
• 48:20
  Matt: I don't think it would have been appropriate.
• 48:23
  Eric: Yeah.
• 48:23
  Eric: Also, I think.
• 48:25
  Eric: Correct me if I'm wrong.
• 48:26
  Eric: When they go into the TV room, aren't there only enough suits?
• 48:30
  Eric: There are only enough suits.
• 48:32
  Eric: There are only enough suits for for Mike TV, his microphone.
• 48:35
  Matt: That kind of stuff is throughout the film.
• 48:38
  Matt: Throughout the film.
• 48:41
  Matt: And let's not even talk about the Wonkavader at the end.
• 48:43
  Matt: I mean, that's got to be an illegal that's uh you UFO, truly.
• 48:49
  Eric: Yeah.
• 48:50
  Eric: Oh yeah, like so many, so many plain crimes committed.
• 48:54
  Matt: Now, the fizzy lifting drinks also to me to mention only Charlie's only crime of quote unquote stealing fizzy lifting drinks.
• 49:02
  Eric: Taking a sip of a soda.
• 49:04
  Matt: Taking a sip of a s sip of a soda, which briefly voids his contract that he couldn't literally couldn't physically read.
• 49:13
  Eric: Nor was he eligible to nor is it like in any way enforceable.
• 49:17
  Eric: No.
• 49:18
  Matt: The i he is uh lifted towards the sky, towards a fan, almost dies, he and grandpa joe, only only escape thanks to their own uh gases.
• 49:30
  Matt: Yep.
• 49:31
  Matt: Their own indigestion saves them.
• 49:34
  Matt: But that those bubbles are going past the fan directly into the sky.
• 49:40
  Matt: They are released directly from the factory.
• 49:43
  Matt: This has to be some sort of EPA violation.
• 49:45
  Eric: Oh, yeah, like you want to talk about chemtrails.
• 49:48
  Eric: Talk about fizzy lifting drinks, my dude.
• 49:50
  Matt: My d the fizzy lifting drinks are definitely contributing to climate change.
• 49:57
  Eric: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 49:58
  Eric: Man's causing all the fucking atmosphere to just evaporate off the earth.
• 50:01
  Matt: Fucking read a book.
• 50:03
  Matt: I think what we have determined is these children's murders all are all premeditated.
• 50:10
  Eric: Yeah.
• 50:10
  Eric: He can't even get away with manslaughter.
• 50:12
  Eric: Premeditated.
• 50:13
  Matt: Premeditated murder.
• 50:15
  Matt: He would be convicted without a shadow of a doubt.
• 50:19
  Matt: And finally, I want to point out one other thing that occurred to me.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:23
  Matt: Charlie, ultimately, because he's a good, kind soul, he gives back that everlasting gobstopper, and uh everything's okay.
• 50:34
  Matt: All his fizzy lifting crime, forgiven.
• 50:36
  Matt: He's passed the fucked up test of Willy Wonka, and he inherits the chalk factory.
• 50:43
  Matt: He wins the sweepstakes.
• 50:45
  Matt: Eric, what happens when you win a sweepstakes?
• 50:48
  Matt: When you win a million dollars on the lottery, even.
• 50:51
  Eric: Oh, well, you got us usually gotta pay taxes on it.
• 50:54
  Matt: You have to pay taxes.
• 50:58
  Matt: Charlie Bucket is poor as dirt.
• 51:02
  Matt: They can't even afford more than one bed.
• 51:06
  Eric: He can't pay taxes on this chocolate factory.
• 51:11
  Matt: God, the capital gains on that are so fucking nuts.
• 51:15
  Matt: Willy Wonka has has absolute unless he's also going to cover the cost, but he can't.
• 51:22
  Matt: He can't give income.
• 51:24
  Eric: Well, here's what he'll do, Matt.
• 51:26
  Eric: He's like, oh, you have to pay these taxes.
• 51:30
  Eric: Why don't you why why don't you come work for me?
• 51:33
  Eric: Like, it's just a way of like enslaving Charlie.
• 51:37
  Matt: In fact, to avoid the gift penalty, why don't you just take over the factory without income?
• 51:45
  Matt: Oh.
• 51:46
  Matt: That's how we'd do it.
• 51:47
  Matt: Yeah.
• 51:47
  Matt: So what how does Charlie what is Charlie's demise?
• 51:51
  Matt: Capitalism.
• 51:52
  Eric: Oh, fucking capitalism.
• 51:54
  Eric: Yeah.
• 51:54
  Eric: He he it He's chocolate factory poor.
• 51:58
  Matt: He couldn't get him with the fan.
• 51:59
  Matt: He couldn't get him with the Chocolate River.
• 52:02
  Matt: He couldn't get him with with all the chewing gum.
• 52:05
  Matt: He couldn't get him with all these other things.
• 52:07
  Matt: But he got him with capitalism.
• 52:09
  Eric: Got him with capitalism.
• 52:11
  Eric: And yeah, I'm I'm like for so oh God.
• 52:15
  Eric: I just like.
• 52:16
  Eric: You stole fizzy lifting drinks.
• 52:18
  Eric: Bitch, you stole an indigenous population.
• 52:23
  Eric: Bitch, you kidnapped an entire species.
• 52:27
  Matt: You piece of shit.
• 52:31
  Matt: Who can get away with that, Eric?
• 52:33
  Matt: The candyman can.
• 52:38
  Eric: Oh shit.
• 52:41
  Matt: Um I think, Eric, those are my notes.
• 52:45
  Matt: Did I miss anything?
• 52:47
  Matt: I'm sure I did.
• 52:48
  Eric: Oh well, I mean.
• 52:50
  Eric: Got like fuck.
• 52:53
  Eric: Like there it's never ending.
• 52:56
  Matt: Like I mean, if you wanted to go through all the health and safety violations, there's a ton.
• 53:02
  Matt: There's no railing.
• 53:03
  Eric: I feel like we hit the ones.
• 53:05
  Eric: I think we hit the big ones.
• 53:07
  Eric: Yes.
• 53:08
  Eric: So I could nitpick this movie all day over laws being broken.
• 53:12
  Matt: So simply Lindsay, I do believe we have very thoroughly, probably for the first time in the history of this podcast, answered the question.
• 53:25
  Matt: So I think that's that's gonna do it on uh Willy Wonka for us today, Eric.
• 53:31
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 53:32
  Matt: So simply Lindsay, thank you for the question.
• 53:34
  Matt: Um and now moving on, Eric, uh I think we're I think we're out of time for questions today.
• 53:41
  Eric: Yeah, I think uh not only has Willy Wonka robbed these children of their lives and their innocence, but he has robbed us of a third question.
• 53:50
  Matt: He's robbed us of a third question.
• 53:52
  Matt: Uh but he hasn't robbed us of, and I think it'd be only appropriate given the topics of the Willy Wonka question, that we talk about some dumb crime.
• 54:02
  Matt: Hell yes.
• 54:04
  Matt: Now, Eric, would you like to go first or would you like me to go first?
• 54:07
  Eric: Maybe I'll go first.
• 54:08
  Eric: Oh, he's he's chomping at the bit, folks.
• 54:10
  Eric: I I love this.
• 54:11
  Eric: Alright.
• 54:13
  Eric: Title is Matthew.
• 54:14
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 54:15
  Eric: I'm ready.
• 54:16
  Eric: Capitol Rider had full US Capitol Lego set and plans to form a militia, feds say.
• 54:25
  Eric: And this is by Joseph Wilkinson.
• 54:28
  Eric: Uh lay it on me.
• 54:30
  Eric: Fuck.
• 54:30
  Eric: Alright.
• 54:32
  Eric: The opening, the o just throughout this article, you will note just the vitriol the writer possesses for this human.
• 54:39
  Eric: He built Legos.
• 54:42
  Eric: The FBI built a case against him.
• 54:45
  Eric: A Pennsylvania man arrested for the January 6th riot at the U.S.
• 54:49
  Eric: Capitol built a replica Capitol with Legos prior to the attack, federal prosecutors say.
• 54:56
  Eric: Before anyone jumps into my fucking DMs, yes, I understand that the correct term is Lego.
• 55:02
  Eric: But Legos is what the author wrote.
• 55:06
  Eric: Robert Morse, 27, was charged in June for his role in the deadly attack.
• 55:13
  Eric: Feds discovered the Lego set when they searched Moore's home in Glenshaw, a North Pittsburgh suburb, business insider reported.
• 55:22
  Eric: Prosecutors announced the discovery July 2nd while arguing to keep Moore's locked up as he awaits trial.
• 55:29
  Eric: In the same filing, Feds noted that Morse had sketched out plans to form a militia in a notebook titled, quote, Step by Step to Create Hometown Militia, end quote.
• 55:43
  Eric: According to Business Insight.
• 55:46
  Matt: So way to cover your fucking trail.
• 55:49
  Eric: I know, Jesus Christ.
• 55:51
  Eric: Uh some of the steps included, quote, ambush, battle drills, and formations.
• 55:59
  Eric: End quote.
• 56:01
  Eric: Like it's just you might as well be a good idea.
• 56:10
  Eric: Morse was captured several times on video throughout the Capitol riot, according to the Justice Department.
• 56:16
  Eric: Prosecutor said he was involved in the attack on DC police officer Daniel Hodges, who was bloodied and crushed against a door.
• 56:26
  Eric: The FBI seized Morse Legos and his notebook.
• 56:30
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 56:31
  Matt: Here's what I want to know.
• 56:33
  Matt: Did they seize them in one piece?
• 56:34
  Matt: Did he did the Did they break it in front of him?
• 56:39
  Eric: Oh, I I I can only hope that they're that like to take it all at once.
• 56:45
  Eric: They had to take I I I bet they took like a million pictures and then they like they broke it down.
• 56:50
  Matt: Well, just like they airlifted out uh the unibomber's cabin, they took this man's Lego Capitol.
• 56:56
  Matt: Yeah.
• 56:57
  Eric: Fucking I want to see, I want to see the picture.
• 57:03
  Eric: Oh, okay, okay.
• 57:05
  Eric: So there is a picture of a Lego set of the Capitol, but this is not this is one by like Lego Land in California.
• 57:12
  Eric: Like actually, I want to see his shitty ass version of the Lego Capitol looks like.
• 57:18
  Matt: Well, if we can dig that up, we're putting it on.
• 57:22
  Eric: What a stupid piece of shit.
• 57:24
  Matt: Ah, yes.
• 57:25
  Matt: And of course, that applies to any and all people who were involved in the insurrection on January 6th.
• 57:33
  Matt: Of course, that is the this podcast's official stance.
• 57:37
  Matt: Yeah.
• 57:37
  Matt: Uh now, Eric, um, I also have a story for you today in the in the uh in the dumb crime department.
• 57:46
  Matt: This is from July 15th, and it is from the smoking gun.
• 57:52
  Matt: Florida man, 32, nabbed after cops spot him swinging, stomping, stolen alligator at 3.20 a.m.
• 58:01
  unknown: Give it to me.
• 58:03
  Matt: Even by Florida's loose standards, a guy swinging a stolen alligator around by its tail at 3.20 a.m.
• 58:12
  Matt: in an attempt at, quote, teaching it a lesson is truly bizarre.
• 58:17
  Matt: According to police, William Hodge, 32-year-old fisherman, I got his mugshot here.
• 58:23
  Matt: Yes, we will put that on Instagram.
• 58:25
  Eric: He looks exactly like you would imagine him to look.
• 58:28
  Matt: He sure does.
• 58:29
  Matt: He was arrested early early today after officers spotted him trying to fling the purloined alligator atop a building in Daytona Beach shores.
• 58:41
  Matt: When Hodge's attempt to launch the alligator failed, Hodge slammed the reptile to the ground and stomped on it, according to the charging affidavit.
• 58:54
  Matt: When cops approached Hodge, he quote raised his hands up as if he were giving up and was taken into custody.
• 59:02
  Matt: Asked what he was doing when throwing the alligator in the air, Hodge reportedly replied that he was, quote, teaching it a lesson.
• 59:11
  Eric: Fucking cra Matt, there I I've been thinking about this.
• 59:14
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 59:15
  Eric: There is one, one and only one context in which that would be justifiable for him.
• 59:24
  Eric: For for his if as he if if the article read he raised one arm into the air and a bloody stump, as if to like, if this alligator had bitten his fucking arm off, then I'm like, alright, you are now entitled to kick the shit out of this alligator.
• 59:45
  Matt: To be honest, I think I have the motive in the next paragraph here.
• 59:48
  Matt: Oh.
• 59:48
  Matt: Investigators say Hodge removed the alligator from an enclosure, seen below.
• 59:53
  Matt: I'll put this on Instagram too, at Conga River Golf and Exploration.
• 59:59
  Matt: A miniature golf course that offers patrons the opportunity to feed and hold alligators.
• 1:00:07
  Matt: The court affidavit does not specify the size and weight of the alligator.
• 1:00:12
  Matt: Hodge is alleged to have swiped.
• 1:00:15
  Matt: The alligator was subsequently turned over to Congo River's general manager, who valued the stolen goods at$300.
• 1:00:22
  Matt: Hodge was charged with animal cruelty, possession, and injury of an alligator, unarmed burglary, theft, and criminal mischief.
• 1:00:31
  Matt: He's being held in Volusia County jail in lieu of$4,500 bond.
• 1:00:37
  Matt: Looking at this picture, it seems like these are baby alligators.
• 1:00:41
  Matt: These are small alligators.
• 1:00:42
  Matt: I hate this man.
• 1:00:44
  Matt: I hate this man.
• 1:00:45
  Matt: I hate him so much.
• 1:00:46
  Matt: I am glad that the alligator was not killed.
• 1:00:49
  Matt: Fucking Christ.
• 1:00:51
  Matt: Abused, yes.
• 1:00:52
  Matt: Killed, no.
• 1:00:53
  Matt: So thank God he didn't caught he didn't kill this alligator, this innocent alligator.
• 1:00:58
  Matt: But if I were to guess, this is a miniature golf course, Eric.
• 1:01:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 1:01:02
  Matt: I think this alligator might have eaten this man's golf ball.
• 1:01:07
  Eric: Might have eaten the golf ball, or like maybe it pooped on him when he was taking a picture with it.
• 1:01:12
  Eric: Maybe it did what a wild animal does.
• 1:01:15
  Matt: Like I don't maybe also uh Congo River, Congo River golf and exploration.
• 1:01:22
  Matt: Maybe you shouldn't just have these baby allocates.
• 1:01:26
  Eric: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say maybe a mini golf course that has to dye their water blue.
• 1:01:35
  Eric: Maybe shouldn't be caring for living creatures.
• 1:01:38
  Matt: And why is that universal?
• 1:01:40
  Matt: I just came back from vacation, passed a whole bunch of golf course, miniature golf courses, putt-puts for our Midwest friends, and all of those courses have this radioactive blue water.
• 1:01:54
  Eric: Yep.
• 1:01:55
  Eric: Probably so they don't have to clean it.
• 1:01:58
  Eric: Probably because they don't have any sort of filtration system.
• 1:02:00
  Eric: It's probably like fucking it's like that it's it's like bleached.
• 1:02:07
  Matt: That's probably it's a whole uh episode on to itself.
• 1:02:12
  Matt: The questions about miniature golf.
• 1:02:13
  Matt: Oh my gosh.
• 1:02:14
  Matt: You know what?
• 1:02:14
  Matt: Why don't you just go ahead and send us your miniature golf questions?
• 1:02:17
  Matt: Send us your miniature golf questions.
• 1:02:19
  Matt: Send us those putt-putt questions and send us any question that you might have.
• 1:02:24
  Matt: It can be truly about anything, just as long as nobody asked for it.
• 1:02:31
  Matt: Uh, and with that, Eric, I think that's gonna put episode 21 in the book.
• 1:02:35
  Matt: Say that's all we got.
• 1:02:36
  Matt: I mean, truly, we've we've destroyed a beloved children's movie.
• 1:02:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 1:02:43
  Matt: And uh I think that's all in a day's work, is it not?
• 1:02:48
  SPEAKER_00: It ain't much, but it's honest work.
• 1:02:51
  Matt: Now, uh friends, if you if you haven't already, please go into your uh if you're on Pod Chaser, if you're on Apple Podcasts, go down, rate and review us if you don't mind.
• 1:03:04
  Matt: We've got a couple more ratings in the last week or two.
• 1:03:07
  Matt: Uh so shout out to to all of you who have who have helped us out there.
• 1:03:13
  Matt: Uh Zach Deuce, thank you on Twitter.
• 1:03:16
  Matt: He's been recommending us left and right.
• 1:03:18
  Eric: Oh my dude, thank you.
• 1:03:20
  Matt: If you need good podcast recommendations, besides us, of course, go follow at Zach Deuce on uh Twitter.
• 1:03:28
  Matt: He's got tons of them for you.
• 1:03:30
  Matt: Uh he he's a he's a great podcaster in and of himself, too.
• 1:03:34
  Eric: And just a beautiful human being.
• 1:03:36
  Matt: Just a beautiful human being, I assume don't know him personally.
• 1:03:41
  Eric: Zach, please do not go on to murder 20 people.
• 1:03:44
  Matt: If you are a murderer, uh we rescind our recommendations.
• 1:03:50
  Matt: So thank you again, Mr.
• 1:03:52
  Matt: Zach Deuce.
• 1:03:53
  Matt: And uh thank you all for listening.
• 1:03:55
  Matt: So again, rate review and follow us on the Twitter, the Instagram, and the Facebook.
• 1:04:02
  Matt: It is all at the letter you didn't ask pod.
• 1:04:05
  Matt: That's you didn't ask pod with the letter U, not the word.
• 1:04:09
  Matt: And you can of course catch us on you didn't ask for this.com.
• 1:04:12
  Matt: That one is all spelled out.
• 1:04:14
  Matt: Uh give us a rating.
• 1:04:16
  Matt: Give us a review.
• 1:04:17
  Matt: Uh Eric, did I miss anything else here?
• 1:04:20
  Eric: Not a goddamn thing, Matthew.
• 1:04:23
  Matt: Well then until next time, everybody.
• 1:04:25
  Matt: My name is Matt Shea.
• 1:04:27
  Eric: My name is Eric Poach.
• 1:04:29
  Eric: You didn't ask.
• 1:04:30
  SPEAKER_00: But who can take a sunrise?
• 1:04:34
  Eric: Sprinkle it with dew.
• 1:04:36
  Eric: Something, something, something, Willie Wonker was a murderer.
• 1:04:42
  Matt: The candyman.
• 1:04:44
  Matt: The candyman can commit murder.
• 1:04:48
  Eric: The candyman can because he owns all of the judges.
• 1:04:52
  Matt: The candy man can.
• 1:04:56
  Matt: The candyman is free 'cause he bought out the jury.