Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 64 | Never Trust a Worm

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64 | Never Trust a Worm · You Didn't Ask For This

0:00
SPEAKER_01: Matt, do you do you ever ask Lindsay or does Lindsay ever ask you like hypotheticals?
0:10
SPEAKER_01: Like r like relationship hypotheticals.
0:14
SPEAKER_01: Uh uh Probably.
0:16
SPEAKER_01: Give me an example.
0:17
SPEAKER_01: Um very, very common one these days.
0:20
SPEAKER_01: You'll see it around often.
0:22
SPEAKER_01: Um my girlfriend has asked me this.
0:24
SPEAKER_01: The question, would you still love me if I was a worm?
0:28
SPEAKER_01: Oh, sure, yeah.
0:29
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like standard fare.
0:31
SPEAKER_01: Like that kind of stuff.
0:32
SPEAKER_01: Umyssa has asked me that no less than like three dozen times.
0:37
SPEAKER_01: Like she'll say, Yeah, and I hope you said no.
0:39
SPEAKER_01: I mean, you're not gonna be seen with no worm, right?
0:41
SPEAKER_01: I would I I would be seen with a worm.
0:44
Eric: Oh.
0:44
SPEAKER_01: If she was that worm.
0:45
SPEAKER_01: That's disappointing.
0:46
SPEAKER_01: She's get a little worm.
0:48
SPEAKER_01: Get her get a little get a little jar, put some some like put some dirt leaves in there.
0:54
SPEAKER_01: Keep her gotta keep her moist in the recreate her environment.
0:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, gotta mist her every now and then.
0:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, give her a little good miss.
1:02
SPEAKER_01: So here's the questions I ask my my partner.
1:05
SPEAKER_01: Um and I I'm gonna share the question with you.
1:09
SPEAKER_01: Um, it's the post-apocalypse.
1:11
SPEAKER_01: And in in this scenario, you're gonna be my girlfriend, Matt.
1:14
SPEAKER_01: I thought I already was, so that works for me.
1:17
SPEAKER_01: So here we go.
1:18
SPEAKER_01: Babe.
1:19
Eric: Yeah.
1:19
SPEAKER_01: It's the post-apocalypse.
1:22
SPEAKER_01: Society has well aware of that.
1:24
SPEAKER_01: You tell me every day.
1:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, but like actual, like it is we are we are full-blown, it we are mad-maxing fighting over the irradiated wastes of Dundalk.
1:36
SPEAKER_01: Like, we're in a scavenging party, we have uh armor made out of tires, someone's got a football helmet on with spikes.
1:45
Matt: Babe, we're eating a roast rabbit.
1:47
Matt: I know this.
1:48
Matt: Why are you telling me?
1:49
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
1:50
SPEAKER_01: But like, if in this post, if it was the post-apocalypse, and if we were in that, like we're we're out, we're out there fighting, and in the middle of the fight, we're we're we're fighting some mutants.
2:00
SPEAKER_01: Um, and I I get I get wounded, and you see the the mutant.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: The mutants have me.
2:06
SPEAKER_01: They're they've got like their their hooks in me, and they're like dragging me off, and like they're they're they've captured me.
2:14
SPEAKER_01: I am I am in the middle.
2:15
SPEAKER_01: I am they're going to take me.
2:18
SPEAKER_01: It's over for you.
2:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
2:20
SPEAKER_01: And there is nothing good waiting for me back at the at like the murder dome.
2:25
SPEAKER_01: Can't imagine.
2:26
SPEAKER_01: Um, would you shoot me between the eyes?
2:29
SPEAKER_01: Like, would you right right between the eyes?
2:31
SPEAKER_01: Like, would you put would you would you would you as opposed to try to rescue you?
2:35
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no.
2:36
SPEAKER_01: That like that's what I mean.
2:37
SPEAKER_01: Like, we're you it is we are losing this fight.
2:40
SPEAKER_01: There's no like they if they take me, they're like, you're never gonna see me again, at least not in this shape.
2:47
Matt: And you want me to hawkeye last of the mohicans you immediately?
2:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like like would you be willing?
2:53
SPEAKER_01: Like, would you do that if you saw them?
2:55
SPEAKER_01: They are they are taking me, I am gone.
2:58
SPEAKER_01: No, you wouldn't.
2:59
SPEAKER_01: I would try to rescue you first.
3:02
SPEAKER_01: You know what's fucked up?
3:03
SPEAKER_01: Alyssa said she would.
3:04
Matt: Yeah, okay, that's why I'm telling you, don't be with a worm, Eric.
3:09
SPEAKER_01: I Matt, I spent like never trust a worm.
3:13
SPEAKER_01: No, to Alyssa's credit, she spent 15 minutes trying to like Mr.
3:16
SPEAKER_01: Smith goes to Washington.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: This was like, but she was like, you she's like, you swear there's like nothing I can do.
3:21
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Alyssa, there's nothing you can do.
3:24
SPEAKER_01: It is it is a foregone conclusion.
3:27
SPEAKER_01: Goodbye.
3:28
SPEAKER_01: I the best thing that'll happen to me is I'm eaten.
3:32
SPEAKER_01: Like that is all right, it is, and she's like, fucking, like, she was agonizing over this decision.
3:38
Matt: All right, so yes, I would do it.
3:40
Matt: I'm gonna give you a different hypothetical.
3:42
Matt: All right, yeah, because you know, I I don't uh you know, I'm making a bit here, Alyssa.
3:47
Matt: I know you're listening.
3:48
Matt: Calm down.
3:50
Matt: Everything's alright.
3:52
Matt: No, no one's coming for your worm man, okay?
3:56
Matt: It's not your fault that you're a worm.
3:58
Matt: Okay?
3:59
Matt: A little tiny worm who won't go rescue her man.
4:02
Matt: You you don't worry.
4:04
Matt: How can I rescue your fucking fucking worm?
4:07
SPEAKER_00: What are you even gonna do?
4:08
Matt: Okay, it's okay.
4:10
Matt: It's okay.
4:11
Matt: But I do think this is a good opportunity to change the hypothetical ever so slightly to include because you don't you you have a girlfriend.
4:20
Matt: I don't need to be your hypothetical girlfriend, okay?
4:23
Matt: What I am, however, is if I could be so bold, the only other important relationship in your life.
4:29
Matt: Oh, yes, of course.
4:30
Matt: For that reason, let's change the hypothetical slightly to there's Alyssa, there's me, and there's you getting abducted by the meat hook goblins.
4:40
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yes, yes.
4:41
Matt: Okay.
4:42
SPEAKER_01: They are chanting to their the the undetonated nuke that they have back at their base that they work.
4:49
Matt: Absolutely, that they worship every night.
4:51
Matt: Yes, absolutely.
4:52
Matt: You're the gonna be the sacrifice, and God only knows what that sacrifice looks like.
4:56
SPEAKER_01: Oh, it does not involve me having skin, I can tell you this much.
4:58
Matt: So there's Alyssa.
5:00
Matt: She's gonna be she's gonna be weeping, she's gonna be taking out her her her pipe rifle, you know.
5:10
SPEAKER_01: And very cute, too.
5:12
SPEAKER_01: Like she paints like little little little cute little creatures and stuff like that.
5:14
SPEAKER_01: Oh, and she's gonna be crying.
5:15
SPEAKER_01: The tears.
5:16
SPEAKER_01: Oh, the tears.
5:16
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yes.
5:17
SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be a good thing.
5:18
SPEAKER_01: It'll be very aesthetic.
5:19
Matt: It'll be very good because she's gonna know what she has to do.
5:22
Matt: You've had this conversation, right?
5:24
Matt: There's no help for you.
5:26
Matt: You're going down, sugar.
5:28
Matt: And she takes that gun, she adjusts her sight through the tears.
5:34
Matt: And you can hear like the Yes, you can hear all that.
5:38
Matt: She's got it pointed.
5:40
Matt: You guys are locked in eye contact.
5:42
Matt: The only people in the world, you're barely aware that's a good thing.
5:45
Matt: I'm mouthing the words do it.
5:47
Matt: Do it.
5:48
Matt: You're mouthing the words do it, and they've got their meat hook hands directly into your skin because they only have hooks for hands.
5:55
Matt: They don't have hands.
5:57
Matt: And so they're just gotcha, you're bleeding out.
6:00
Matt: And she she wraps that finger of hers around the trigger, and then a slap to the face as I grab the pipe rifle and say, get back, worm, and charge into battle.
6:12
Matt: You're not going down without me, you son of a bitch.
6:15
Matt: You get your hands off of my lanky friend.
6:18
Matt: Perfect.
6:19
SPEAKER_01: It's perfect, yeah.
6:20
SPEAKER_01: And it it also throws into like it also backs up my answer.
6:25
SPEAKER_01: After I made her answer this hypertenleword, it's like, would you do it, Alyssa, please?
6:29
SPEAKER_01: Would you be my angel of mercy?
6:30
SPEAKER_01: She's like, fine, fine, fuck it.
6:32
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I'll do it.
6:33
SPEAKER_01: I'll be your angel of mercy.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Cool.
6:35
SPEAKER_01: Do you want to know what I would do?
6:37
SPEAKER_01: She was like, What the fuck would you do?
6:38
SPEAKER_01: I was like, I would do anything to save you.
6:40
SPEAKER_01: I would do anything to save you.
6:42
SPEAKER_01: She was so mad.
6:43
Matt: And so here I'm gonna come.
6:45
Matt: Anything to save you, and there, and all I'm gonna say, Eric, all I'm gonna say is that's the difference between these two relationships.
6:54
Matt: And you think about that.
6:56
Matt: You think about that for a moment.
7:23
Matt: And my name is, hold on.
7:25
Matt: Eric Poach.
7:28
SPEAKER_01: What what what were you expecting to happen there?
7:30
SPEAKER_01: Sorry, I was waiting for an axe to fall.
7:33
Matt: I was waiting for a shoe to drop.
7:35
Matt: From you you mean from the worm, shall we say?
7:38
SPEAKER_01: No, from from this allegedly cursed episode.
7:42
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I see.
7:43
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, gang, gang.
7:45
SPEAKER_01: We gotta, we gotta come clean with you, gang.
7:48
SPEAKER_01: Tooth and nail, we fought to get you this episode.
7:53
Matt: Now, I can't remember if it was the last episode of the episode before.
7:56
Matt: I think it was the last episode where we said we were recording this so far in advance.
8:02
Matt: Oh my god, we were such good boys, Matthew.
8:05
Matt: We were like such good boys.
8:06
Matt: We were like two, three weeks ahead of like when we'd normally record.
8:11
Matt: Okay, because normally we're recording like a week to a week and a half before the episode comes out.
8:16
Matt: That's like normally the window.
8:18
Matt: But we were so far ahead that this episode was scheduled to be recorded like honestly, like a month before it was gonna come out.
8:27
Matt: Oh God, what dreams we had.
8:29
Matt: What dreams we had, what hopes we sowed.
8:32
Matt: And through no fault of either of our own's like five times, legitimately five times we had to cancel the last two times, have been within a half hour of recording.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
8:47
Matt: The universe has been against us, Eric.
8:49
SPEAKER_01: And against this episode.
8:51
SPEAKER_01: I cannot help but agree with you.
8:54
SPEAKER_01: And if anything, this episode, this is our monument.
8:59
SPEAKER_01: This is our testament to our bravery, as always, to our our un in to our defiance in the face of God and man.
9:09
SPEAKER_01: To our integrity, to our integrity.
9:12
SPEAKER_01: Uh, to oh, we should probably mention to the people who listen to this show.
9:17
SPEAKER_01: They're in there too.
9:18
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: Uh, well, they're the ones who are they're the ones who erected our monument.
9:23
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: They've got the undeadonated nuke that is this podcast.
9:28
SPEAKER_01: Right now, we're like Toby McGuire on the sub, like the subway scene for Spider-Man 2, like the pastor, like they're all like carrying his limp possibly dead body body, yes.
9:39
SPEAKER_01: Uh-oh.
9:40
SPEAKER_01: And they put the we they put the mask back on us.
9:42
Matt: This is New York.
9:43
Matt: You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.
9:45
Matt: Hey, I'm singing web movie.
9:48
Matt: Mine was an actual quote.
9:50
Matt: Uh yeah, oh yeah.
9:52
Matt: Um both from the first movie, I grant you, but yeah.
9:55
SPEAKER_01: So, all that to say, babies, we're God, we're we're just so ready for you.
10:00
Matt: We're so despite God and man intervening to keep this episode from you.
10:07
Matt: We cannot be stopped.
10:10
Matt: The truth of the answers that we are about to bring to you cannot be stopped.
10:16
SPEAKER_01: Finally distilled through through adversary, yeah, through through struggle, through through blood, sweat, and tears, we bring you these answers.
10:25
SPEAKER_01: There are questions out there that so few people are qualified to answer.
10:32
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
10:34
SPEAKER_01: Oh, sorry, sorry, I just had to get the bit that I'm chomping at out of my mouth.
10:39
Matt: Good.
10:39
Matt: I'm glad that'll get in the way because our first question comes from at Zach Deuce and Zach E D.
10:47
Matt: Good friend from me.
10:49
Matt: Good friend of the show, obvious.
10:53
Matt: And he needs to know, and he's been waiting to know when does the future begin?
10:58
SPEAKER_01: When does the future begin?
11:00
SPEAKER_01: When does the future begin?
11:01
SPEAKER_01: And and and if I let me let me just hop onto that Google Doc real quick.
11:05
SPEAKER_01: Okay, good.
11:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, uh, he specifically capitalized T and F.
11:11
SPEAKER_01: The future.
11:12
SPEAKER_01: The future.
11:13
SPEAKER_01: When does it begin?
11:14
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
11:15
SPEAKER_01: When can we say with any amount of authority that the future is now?
11:22
Matt: That almost feels like a separate question, my friend.
11:25
Matt: It does, it does, it does.
11:27
Matt: Because what I was gonna say is the obvious uh benchmark here, the the soonest it can be is a second from now.
11:38
Matt: Just a second.
11:39
SPEAKER_01: A second from now.
11:40
SPEAKER_01: I'm also thinking in terms of innovations, um, like like what what benchmarks do we have to have reached?
11:50
SPEAKER_01: Like we we were both 90s children.
11:52
SPEAKER_01: Like, I feel like our default setting is soon, like hoverboards are technically a thing.
11:58
SPEAKER_01: Very technically a thing.
12:00
SPEAKER_01: Um, flying cars have been attempted dabbled with, dabbled with at best.
12:07
SPEAKER_01: I feel like those are two very common ones.
12:10
SPEAKER_01: I feel like those are the bog standards, like, oh, we have hoverboards and flying cars.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: I don't think that's the case anymore.
12:15
SPEAKER_01: As I as I as we grow, as we mature, I feel like our our standards for the future need to change.
12:23
Matt: I I agree with you.
12:24
Matt: I mean, what you're describing is of course back to the future twos 2015, but also Blade Runner and and all these other things.
12:32
SPEAKER_01: There's always a flying car transit system.
12:36
SPEAKER_01: 10-story-tall hologram flirting with me.
12:40
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, as as is their want.
12:43
SPEAKER_01: But yeah.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: But those are all dated.
12:47
SPEAKER_01: Like we are already that's back when they still thought we'd be smoking on the spaceships.
12:52
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
12:53
Matt: We're so far beyond those visions.
12:57
Matt: Yes, at least, or at least those timelines, right?
13:01
Matt: Because still to this day, I'd say flying cars, hoverboards, those types of things.
13:07
Matt: Uh, the the even even I'd go so far as to think about the the speeders from you know, Star Wars kind of thing.
13:14
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, good speeder bike, good pod.
13:16
Matt: Speeder bikes, even though, of course, that was a long, long time ago.
13:20
Matt: The situation of all these flying things, because it seems so foreign to us, is always gonna be that yeah, that that great green light across the the bay from Gatsby.
13:33
SPEAKER_01: 100%.
13:34
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, thank you, Jay.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Jay.
13:36
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
13:37
Matt: Yes, it like it'll always be in the distance, but eventually we'll get there, don't you think?
13:42
Matt: Oh, we will.
13:42
Matt: We we we and then when we get there, sorry to cut you off.
13:47
Matt: No, but when we get there, there gonna have to be another green light, isn't there?
13:51
SPEAKER_01: There's gonna have to be another green light.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: That's the green light I want to talk about.
13:54
SPEAKER_01: Like when we're when we when we have our hoverboards, which we very technically do, and our flying cars, which who can say, me personally, I think because I think I think human technology and advances, it's exponential, right?
14:11
SPEAKER_01: It's not linear at all.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: Like we look at the history of humankind, shit just kind of is constantly exploding in innovation and and it's getting faster and faster.
14:22
SPEAKER_01: I think there will come a day collectively where mankind goes, oh, this is the future.
14:29
SPEAKER_01: We're in the future.
14:31
Matt: Well, you brought up, yeah, and you brought up the question of the future is now.
14:35
Matt: When do you get to say that?
14:36
Matt: Yeah.
14:37
Matt: I think the future, capital T, capital F, is going to be that green light, that that beacon on the hill.
14:46
Matt: Yep.
14:46
Matt: Uno it becomes attainable, and somebody can justifiably say, wow, we're living in the future.
14:56
Matt: The future is now.
14:58
Matt: Yes.
14:59
Matt: And as soon as that happens, you've attained that future.
15:03
Matt: That future becomes the present.
15:05
Matt: And the next seemingly unattainable innovation is the new capital T, capital F future.
15:13
SPEAKER_01: So when we're bored with with hover, hover cars and boards.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: When we're bored with it, we're like, okay, we have it.
15:21
SPEAKER_01: What is the net?
15:22
SPEAKER_01: What is after that?
15:23
SPEAKER_01: I would say hoverboards and and flying cars definitely reek of like those innovations will still be blooming.
15:31
SPEAKER_01: I think when capitalism is still very much a thing.
15:34
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
15:35
SPEAKER_01: Uh I think And do you think it'll fall?
15:38
SPEAKER_01: Capitalism?
15:39
SPEAKER_01: Oh.
15:39
SPEAKER_01: Unrelated question.
15:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh, it it it yes.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: I it's not a question of if it's how hard.
15:45
SPEAKER_01: Oh, interesting.
15:46
SPEAKER_01: And and depending on how the future goes, that future could be, you know, a Star Trekan post-scarcity, you know, no one needs to work.
15:57
SPEAKER_01: We have machines that just make whatever we need whenever we want it.
16:02
SPEAKER_01: Or that that's one way capitalism can fall.
16:05
SPEAKER_01: Or the other, you know, admittedly more likely way is fighting over scraps of roasted leg meat uh at the ruins of the snowball stand and the irradiated wastes of Dundalk.
16:20
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
16:20
Matt: I think an apocalyptic outcome, outcome B, in your in your answer there, is the only way capitalism falls.
16:28
Matt: Because the first one, this like utopian d description that you just threw at me, I think capitalism will always make sure that that doesn't happen.
16:38
SPEAKER_01: By its own design.
16:39
SPEAKER_01: Like at a certain point, capitalism is programmed to stifle innovation at a certain point.
16:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
16:47
SPEAKER_01: Now, how does that relate to the future?
16:51
Matt: I don't know.
16:52
Matt: Who can say?
16:53
Matt: Who can say?
16:54
Matt: Well, I guess we can say.
16:55
Matt: I mean, there'll always be a musk out there.
16:59
Matt: You know, there's always gonna be a Bezos.
17:01
SPEAKER_01: There will always be a Wayland Utani.
17:04
SPEAKER_01: There will always be a a Tyrell, there will always be a uh Dennis Hopper a la Super Mario Bros.
17:13
SPEAKER_01: the movie.
17:15
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
17:15
SPEAKER_01: I haven't seen the new one, have you?
17:17
SPEAKER_01: No, I have not.
17:17
SPEAKER_01: I've heard nothing but good things.
17:19
SPEAKER_01: I actually have heard nothing but good things.
17:21
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
17:22
SPEAKER_01: Uh but so I think I think for me, the future like the future will begin our from where we stand.
17:28
SPEAKER_01: That's kind of the thing, the the button we're putting on all this.
17:30
SPEAKER_01: From where we stand right now, uh when when currency, physical currency or money as a concept is abandoned.
17:42
SPEAKER_01: Like when it when it is when it when it ceases to not where I thought you were going with that.
17:46
SPEAKER_01: Uh, I would say, I would say it was like, oh, we're in the future.
17:51
SPEAKER_01: Like what so you disagree with my the future is now concept?
17:55
SPEAKER_01: No, I agree with that concept.
17:56
SPEAKER_01: I'm just speaking on a personal note.
17:59
Matt: Well, that was gonna be my follow-up question.
18:02
Matt: What would make you say the future is now?
18:05
Matt: We're living in the future.
18:06
SPEAKER_01: When when I have to explain to a child what money was, like, and and I think about that often.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: Like just the dream.
18:17
SPEAKER_01: You ever think about like how much of our future, like like thousands of years from now, alien like geologists or like whatever species evolved after us is like is researching our history, and it's wild to me to think how much of how many gaps there will be in knowledge of our time that will have to be explained to children.
18:38
SPEAKER_01: They're like, Oh, the reason we don't know about this chunk of of time or this of it is because that was something called intellectual property that was trademarked, so they specifically hid it from each other, and like like it was like we didn't have access to that because there's like they they you'll have to take an entire class on the concept of capitalism to even understand certain branches of our history.
19:03
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely people have to do that now, and it's fucking insane.
19:10
Matt: It's wild to think about, and while we're on that subject, just know, dear listener, anything you're listening to is our property, and you cannot reach out.
19:17
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, yeah, patent pending, patent pending, patent pending.
19:23
SPEAKER_01: We do not acknowledge fair use, do not quote us.
19:27
SPEAKER_01: No, we use uh we only uh use unfairly.
19:31
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
19:32
SPEAKER_01: Fair use for me, but not for thee.
19:35
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so your future is when money is kaput does exist.
19:39
SPEAKER_01: The good version is when we have to like, oh yeah, we outgrew that.
19:41
SPEAKER_01: The bad version is when I have to explain what money was as I like, as I'm in chains being driven to the to the to the pens by my mutant.
19:50
SPEAKER_01: I'll never let it happen, Eric.
19:51
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
19:51
SPEAKER_01: I'll never let it happen.
19:53
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Matt.
19:54
Matt: I will go down.
19:56
Matt: I I'm I will be fighting futily as meat hook hands are driven into my spine.
20:02
Matt: While I am, for lack of a better word, worm food.
20:06
Matt: While you are lack while you are being prepared to be worm food, and then you're gonna look at me and you're gonna say, So you're gonna be like, Why'd you do that?
20:14
Matt: Now we're why didn't you just kill me?
20:16
Matt: Now we're both gonna die.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: And I'll say, and that's the way it was always meant to be.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: We go down together.
20:25
Matt: And I'll and I'll produce a microphone and say, We gotta do the closer though.
20:29
Matt: One more, one more episode.
20:31
Matt: And then you can't leave them, we can't leave them hanging.
20:35
Matt: At this point, of course, the microphone would just be a stick.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it'll be a it'll be a stick with a pine cone taped, like a charred pine cone.
20:42
SPEAKER_01: Long ago, I've lost my mind.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: Yes, we have to excuse me.
20:47
Matt: Hello, everybody.
20:48
SPEAKER_01: Oh wait, Matt, Matt, do me a favor, close your eyes, close your eyes, tell me what you see.
20:53
SPEAKER_00: I see, I see a closet, I see a ding deep, dingy laptop.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: Take me there.
21:02
SPEAKER_00: I see a I see a ring light.
21:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
21:08
SPEAKER_01: So uh so that's that's when the future begins.
21:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think we've answered.
21:12
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we we nailed it.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: We nailed it.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: Our next question.
21:15
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
21:16
SPEAKER_01: This is a good this is one I I enjoy very much.
21:18
SPEAKER_01: This comes from uh our good friend AJ Stigler, that's at AJ underscore Stigler, AJ Stiggs on Instagram.
21:27
SPEAKER_01: The Stigman.
21:28
SPEAKER_01: The Stigma is it.
21:29
SPEAKER_01: Uh the Steag figure.
21:31
SPEAKER_01: AJ Stiggs asks, what is the podcast's mascot?
21:37
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
21:38
SPEAKER_01: Now, I do believe we yes, I know where you're going.
21:42
Matt: I'm with you.
21:43
Matt: We at one point in time did list a mascot.
21:46
Matt: And by one point in time, I mean the first point in time.
21:48
Matt: And it was the squash, yes.
21:50
Matt: Oh, did we make no well?
21:52
Matt: I was gonna say Harry the Centaur from our first episode.
21:55
SPEAKER_01: Oh, Harry the Centaur.
21:56
SPEAKER_01: Uh, yeah, that Harry the Centaur.
21:58
Matt: Did we say that was our mascot?
21:59
SPEAKER_01: We did, and I think at another point when we when you when you brought up the squonch.
22:03
Matt: Wait, hold on.
22:04
Matt: It wasn't the squonch.
22:06
Matt: Hold on.
22:06
Matt: What I know what you're talking about.
22:08
Matt: Let me uh squonk.
22:09
Matt: Squonk.
22:10
Matt: The squonk.
22:11
Matt: Swonk, I think was it.
22:12
Matt: Squonk.
22:12
Matt: Yes.
22:13
Matt: We uh I'm gonna double check that name just to make sure.
22:16
Matt: But yes, that was a local legend that we talked about that just is so amazing to me still to be.
22:24
SPEAKER_01: Oh, such a beautiful, beautiful, unfortunate creature.
22:27
SPEAKER_01: I would say, Matt, for this though, in the spirit of this, because we we could it would be very easy for us to reach back into the annals of our storied podcast past, yes, and pluck a mascot from it.
22:41
SPEAKER_01: But like I'm seeing this as like when we're when that ad advertisement money just starts rolling.
22:49
SPEAKER_01: Just cascading to us.
22:52
SPEAKER_01: We will not have sold out, we will have bought in.
22:54
SPEAKER_01: And when we're in our in our boardroom and the you know firing people for sport.
23:02
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
23:03
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
23:04
SPEAKER_01: When I'm I'm lighting our stogies with our fat stacks of of various monies, uh many denominators.
23:12
Matt: After we forgot all about what you just said about capitalism.
23:16
SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:18
SPEAKER_01: Uh when they're when they're asking for our people like, okay, the brand needs a mascot.
23:24
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
23:24
SPEAKER_01: What what like what what is our what is our elevator pitch for our mascot to these people who will have to agree with us?
23:33
Matt: I still feel good about the squonk.
23:36
Matt: Um for all your edification, we previously talked about the squonk and the description from Fearsome Creatures of the Lumber Woods by William T.
23:46
Matt: Cox.
23:47
Matt: Yes.
23:47
Matt: The squonk is of a very retiring disposition, generally traveling about at twilight and dusk.
23:52
Matt: Because of its misfitting skin, which is covered with warts and moles, it is always unhappy.
23:59
Matt: Hunters who are good at tracking are able to follow the squonk by its tear-stained trail, for the animal weeps constantly.
24:08
Matt: When concerned, or I'm sorry, when cornered and when cornered a mythical beast that the implication that this is a mythical beast you could easily corner.
24:21
Matt: When cornered, an escape seems impossible.
24:25
Matt: Or alternatively, when surprised and frightened, it may even dissolve itself in tears.
24:33
Matt: That's its superpower.
24:34
Matt: It's superpower is anxiety and an inferiority complex.
24:39
SPEAKER_01: Oh man, and a tr that, yeah, that's like that.
24:42
SPEAKER_01: That's it.
24:43
Matt: Like when you say it still feels it's but but you know what, Eric, that feels like our mascot, as opposed to the show.
24:51
SPEAKER_01: That is our that is that is that is our that is our personal mascot.
24:57
SPEAKER_01: Our personal talisman, but not not necessarily your daft.
25:01
SPEAKER_01: God damn, is that the but the show.
25:05
SPEAKER_01: We like the show.
25:08
SPEAKER_01: We like the show.
25:10
Matt: The show.
25:11
Matt: Now it I would say in the early days, it could easily be a uh Yurba Mate.
25:19
Matt: Ah, yes, uh like a a person uh yes.
25:22
Matt: Because it came up so much.
25:24
unknown: It came up.
25:24
SPEAKER_01: Now I think mascot.
25:26
SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking a lit like a a character.
25:30
Matt: Something that can be put into a plush bodysuit and jump around.
25:36
SPEAKER_01: Slap it on all that merch.
25:38
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
25:39
SPEAKER_01: Do we fit do we feel animal mascot?
25:42
SPEAKER_01: Or do we think or do we want to explore the space?
25:46
Matt: I feel like it could.
25:47
Matt: I mean, okay, so we answer questions, right?
25:50
Matt: So first thing that's jumping to my mind is maybe like a riddler type figure.
25:55
Matt: A Riddler type figure.
25:56
Matt: I'm thinking question mark-based uh man.
26:00
SPEAKER_01: Ooh, okay, stepping on DC's toes a little bit there, but we can we can we can That's what I'm saying.
26:05
SPEAKER_01: That's what's coming to mind.
26:08
SPEAKER_01: Sort of like like a fucking hamburger, but with questions, but not the Riddler.
26:13
SPEAKER_01: He's not the Riddler.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: No, I like the Inquisitor.
26:17
SPEAKER_01: Ooh, the Inquisitor.
26:19
SPEAKER_01: Use that.
26:19
SPEAKER_01: No, uh, ooh, no.
26:21
SPEAKER_01: Uh the Inquirer.
26:23
SPEAKER_01: Nope.
26:24
SPEAKER_01: That's taken to.
26:25
SPEAKER_01: Nope, nope, nope, nope.
26:26
SPEAKER_01: Back it up.
26:28
Matt: The ask.
26:29
Matt: Wait a minute, Eric.
26:31
Matt: We do have we do have somebody who and he goes by the name of the watcher.
26:37
Matt: The watcher.
26:39
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
26:40
SPEAKER_01: Fuck yeah.
26:41
SPEAKER_01: Okay, yeah.
26:42
SPEAKER_01: For those who don't recall, we spent a good 30, 45 minutes once just doing silly voices, voicing the the the watcher of the cicade.
26:51
SPEAKER_01: The the hive mind of the cicade.
26:56
SPEAKER_01: No, absolutely.
26:57
Matt: When we're still doing this show 11 years from now at this point, and the 13-year cicade has come back.
27:03
Matt: Or were we talking about the 17 years?
27:04
Matt: I can't remember.
27:05
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, man.
27:06
Matt: It's when they come back, yes, and we are inevitably still here.
27:11
Matt: Yes, we're gonna have such a blast bringing back the watcher, my friend.
27:15
Matt: Oh my god, it's gonna be so good.
27:16
SPEAKER_00: Now is the time, my children.
27:19
SPEAKER_00: Much do I portent, much have I seen, much do I ask, long have we waited, my brethren.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: Go forth and multiply.
27:34
SPEAKER_00: Wake, wake, my children.
27:37
Eric: Oh god.
27:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
27:42
SPEAKER_01: That is our mascot.
27:45
Matt: Uh you know what other characters have we brought in along?
27:48
Matt: There's Harry the Centaur.
27:49
Matt: Harry the Centaur.
27:51
Matt: There's the Watcher.
27:53
SPEAKER_01: There uh there's me, the false scrivener.
27:57
SPEAKER_01: The false scrivener, yes, of course.
28:00
SPEAKER_01: The false scrivener.
28:01
SPEAKER_01: Oh man.
28:02
SPEAKER_01: Uh the Council of Mats.
28:03
SPEAKER_01: Uh the Council of Mats.
28:05
SPEAKER_01: Oh dear Lord.
28:07
SPEAKER_01: That's a that that's a good one.
28:09
SPEAKER_01: I'm pretty sure we hallucinated Zach Deuce.
28:12
SPEAKER_01: Zach Deuce.
28:13
Matt: Zach Zach Deuce.
28:15
Matt: Louis Millard.
28:16
Matt: Actually?
28:19
Matt: Oh, hold on.
28:19
Matt: You're you're actually considering making Zach Deuce the mascot of the show, despite the fact that he's not that he's a real human being.
28:28
Matt: Oh with his own show.
28:29
SPEAKER_01: And the hilarity that that that we made Zach Deuce the mascot when AJ Stigler asked the question.
28:39
SPEAKER_01: How fucked up would that be?
28:41
SPEAKER_01: Like a a a longtime listener, constant cornerstone of this podcast, AJ Stick.
28:48
SPEAKER_01: Fucking, hey, uh, who would your mascot be?
28:50
SPEAKER_01: We're like, another listener.
28:52
Matt: Oh my god.
28:54
Matt: No, it can't be Zach D.
28:55
Matt: So it can't be Zach E D.
28:57
Matt: He can't be in this circumstance the mascot for me.
29:01
Matt: So where do we go?
29:02
Matt: You know, Eric, what?
29:04
Matt: I'm having a thought.
29:05
Matt: Okay.
29:06
Matt: I'm having a thought here.
29:07
SPEAKER_01: Hit me with a thought.
29:09
Matt: Because as you said, how insulting would it be to AJ Steagues and company to just use another podcaster?
29:16
Matt: Of course that's insulting, but isn't it a little bit in the fans' hands?
29:22
Matt: A little bit in the fans' hands.
29:24
Matt: Don't you think after all, this is a good idea.
29:26
SPEAKER_01: Are we about to crowdsource a fucking mascot?
29:29
Matt: Listen to me, Eric.
29:30
Matt: This show was we're trying to find a mascot for the brand.
29:34
Matt: Right?
29:35
Matt: That's what we're doing in our boardroom after we just fired the interns as we do every Monday.
29:40
SPEAKER_01: Matt, this podcast is founded on a very simple but sacred premise.
29:48
SPEAKER_01: A sacred premise that we, you, I and you do a modicum of effort.
29:57
SPEAKER_01: Almost none.
29:59
SPEAKER_01: None.
30:00
Matt: Like it was based on the simple premise that our listeners will do all the work.
30:08
SPEAKER_01: They carry us.
30:11
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
30:12
SPEAKER_01: They are we are their banner.
30:14
SPEAKER_01: We and they carry us.
30:15
SPEAKER_01: But like, what is we are?
30:18
SPEAKER_01: So I'm down to crowdsource this shit.
30:20
SPEAKER_01: Um I say we le I say we open the question.
30:23
Matt: We open a question, we open a poll.
30:25
Matt: We say uh so if you're out there, if you are listening, if you are part of the the daft army, we never really did make a fan uh nickname, did we?
30:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the you daft army seems too army for me, too militaristic, yeah, too army for you.
30:45
SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, if you are part of uh our cabal, if you've hitched yourself to the Yad Raft, if you're on the Daft Raft, if you're on the Yad Raft, I do like the Yad Cabal.
31:02
SPEAKER_01: I do like a good cabal.
31:04
SPEAKER_01: I do love a good cabal.
31:06
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
31:08
Matt: So if you're in the cabal with with AJ Stegs and Zachy D and all our good friends who submit questions, but you haven't been submitting questions.
31:18
Matt: Whether or not you have, this could be your moment.
31:20
Matt: Who or what is the you didn't ask for this mascot?
31:25
Matt: You can submit it.
31:26
Matt: Pitch a mascot.
31:28
Matt: Give it, please do more work for us.
31:30
Matt: Pitch a mascot, please do more work for us.
31:32
Matt: And and if we get some submissions, we will uh we'll go through them.
31:35
Matt: We'll we'll go through them.
31:37
SPEAKER_01: We can put it, we can put it to a fuck, we could pick them out, we can put them to a vote.
31:41
SPEAKER_01: We'll circle back follow-ups.
31:43
SPEAKER_01: We'll weed out the shitty.
31:45
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
31:46
SPEAKER_01: Obviously, no, you know, if if it's we're not gonna point out your bad ideas to the world.
31:51
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no.
31:52
SPEAKER_01: We'll oh don't worry, babies.
31:54
SPEAKER_01: We'll gladly have you give us all the the input and then we'll filter out the input we don't like.
32:00
Matt: The yes, that's what we do.
32:02
Matt: That's our one percent of work.
32:04
Matt: We'll curate a selection.
32:06
Matt: That's our one percent of work.
32:08
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we we we just point at things and go, wheat, wheat, chaff, chaff, chaff.
32:15
SPEAKER_01: That's that is our end of the bargain.
32:18
SPEAKER_01: Chaff, chaff, chaff, chaff, wheat, wheat.
32:23
SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, we do that, and that's our contribution.
32:26
SPEAKER_01: That's where we work very, very hard.
32:28
SPEAKER_01: Um, you're welcome.
32:30
SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, let's we'll we'll do that, gang.
32:31
SPEAKER_01: We'll come up with a mascot together.
32:33
SPEAKER_01: It'll be really sweet.
32:35
Matt: You know what go ahead, submit them.
32:37
Matt: You didn't ask pod on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
32:40
Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod or you didn't ask for this at gmail.com all spelled out.
32:44
SPEAKER_01: I'll say for me personally, if the mascot had not necessary, this is not a requisite condition, but if they had a catchphrase, maybe explore that a little bit too.
32:55
SPEAKER_01: We have we have some catchphrases bouncing around.
32:58
SPEAKER_01: No, like a like a catchphrase specific to that character, kind of like the snarf snarf.
33:04
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
33:05
Matt: No, what the fuck is the snarf?
33:07
SPEAKER_01: You never watch have you never fucking watched Thundercats?
33:10
SPEAKER_01: No, actually, I don't know.
33:12
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, Matt, yeah, there's a character named Snarf, and and and he talked like this.
33:17
SPEAKER_01: Snarf! You're snarfing up the wrong tree.
33:21
SPEAKER_01: Snarf.
33:22
SPEAKER_01: Like if they if if or if our mascot had some kind of mildly infuriating catchphrase or just thing they shout at the end of the episode before we open snarf.
33:35
Matt: And then Well, that's what I'm gonna say.
33:37
Matt: We do sort of have the ending bit of, you know, you didn't ask but, and then there's the uh there's all that great gold that we say throughout every episode that ends up being catch.
33:48
Matt: I mean, I think the listeners could probably tell, tell, inform both of us that we have catchphrases that we're not even a f uh uh aware of.
33:55
Matt: Oh, yeah, sure for sure, for sure, for sure.
33:58
Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:59
Matt: Yes.
33:59
Matt: None of none of those are yours.
34:02
Matt: You've you've never done that rap before.
34:06
Matt: So we leave it up to you as we do with all good things, dear listeners.
34:11
Matt: Um, yeah, yeah.
34:13
Matt: Yep, okay.
34:14
Matt: Get back to us.
34:16
Matt: Yeah, get back to us.
34:17
Matt: So, AJ Stiegler, yeah, there's there will be your answer.
34:22
Matt: Yes.
34:24
Matt: Because I and I, you know what, Eric?
34:25
Matt: I don't think I I can hear the fan mail coming in that oh, this is a cop out.
34:30
Matt: I don't think it is.
34:31
Matt: No.
34:32
Matt: I want I want our audience to feel like they got buy-in on.
34:36
Matt: We didn't cop out, we copped in.
34:38
Matt: We coped in.
34:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh, don't put that on the t-shirts.
34:42
SPEAKER_01: Do not put that on the t-shirts.
34:44
SPEAKER_01: We coped in.
34:45
Matt: We copied.
34:46
Matt: All right, Eric.
34:46
Matt: I think I think we get we should hop hop along to another question.
34:50
Matt: What do you think?
34:51
Matt: Oh, I I absolutely agree.
34:53
Matt: This one comes from at Abbey Boone13 on Instagram.
34:57
Matt: At Abbey Boone13 asks, there are idioms like on the nose, take it on the chin, turn it on its ears.
35:06
Matt: They all have clear meanings.
35:08
Matt: What would it mean for something to be on the eyebrow or another underutilized part of the face?
35:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah specifically.
35:17
SPEAKER_01: So face-centric face, I'll I'll include the head.
35:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we will expand it to the whole head.
35:23
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I feel like just dive right in.
35:25
SPEAKER_01: Let's let's take it on the example.
35:26
SPEAKER_01: Like, what would it mean to for something to be oh, it's really on the eyebrow?
35:31
SPEAKER_01: Um That's really on the eyebrow.
35:33
SPEAKER_01: From the get-go, it sounds sarcastic.
35:36
SPEAKER_01: Like it implies, like, oh yeah, it's really on the eyebrow.
35:39
Matt: Like like Well, it it it I think I don't know about you, but when I heard the phrase on the eyebrow, I pictured a raised eyebrow.
35:48
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
35:48
SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's really on the eyebrow.
35:50
SPEAKER_01: A s a one, a singularly raised eyebrow.
35:53
SPEAKER_01: I let me hit you with this because like I'm doing the motion, I'm raising my eyebrow as I say, oh, it's really on the eyebrow.
35:59
SPEAKER_01: If we take something's on the nose to be like, oh, you nailed it, you've got it, you understand it.
36:03
SPEAKER_01: On the eyebrow almost gives a sense of like, A, it's calling to the fact, like the cocking of the eyebrow questioningly.
36:10
SPEAKER_01: And that question that the person you know saying this phrase is is low-key saying is, are you in too deep, my man?
36:17
SPEAKER_01: You weren't on the nose.
36:18
SPEAKER_01: Now you're up to your eyebrows in it.
36:20
SPEAKER_01: That could be another phrase entirely.
36:22
SPEAKER_01: You're up to your eyebrows in it.
36:24
SPEAKER_01: Well, up to your eyebrows is a phrase.
36:26
SPEAKER_01: That is a phrase.
36:26
SPEAKER_01: That's a good that's that's a phrase people that's that's a real thing people.
36:31
SPEAKER_01: We just witnessed like fucking we just witnessed failing upward in real time, just some asshole going, oh man, that's a really good fucking phrase.
36:39
SPEAKER_01: I'm brilliant.
36:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, you're so brilliant, someone started saying it like a hundred years ago.
36:45
SPEAKER_01: But if something's on the eyebrow, I think it's like, oh yeah, it's really on the eyebrow.
36:48
SPEAKER_01: Meaning like they're they're they're they're up to their eyebrows in it.
36:51
SPEAKER_01: They're drowning in it.
36:52
SPEAKER_01: They're they're like, do you know how fucked you are?
36:54
SPEAKER_01: Is is basically what what they're asking.
36:57
Matt: Well, when you said the sarcastic bit, I like because it's the it's I took it as the opposite of on the nose.
37:04
Matt: Yeah.
37:04
Matt: But you're saying it as you if you're saying, oh yeah, you really hit that one on the nose sarcastically.
37:11
Matt: You know what I'm saying?
37:13
Matt: Instead of that, you're saying that's really on the eyebrows.
37:16
Matt: So I guess it's just literal then, but it's meaning the opposite of the nose.
37:20
Matt: That's shit.
37:20
Matt: That's a bad answer.
37:22
SPEAKER_01: No, no, yeah.
37:23
SPEAKER_01: That's a bad answer, and I apologize.
37:26
SPEAKER_01: It's okay.
37:27
Matt: It's okay.
37:28
Matt: I forgive you.
37:30
Matt: They probably don't, but I forgive you.
37:31
Matt: They won't.
37:32
Matt: But they won't.
37:33
Matt: You know what?
37:33
Matt: At the end of the day, that's all I care about.
37:35
Matt: A bunch of fucking savages.
37:36
Matt: And we're gonna leave our mascot in their hands, can we believe?
37:39
SPEAKER_01: Fucking um, if something is, you know, for example, on the tip of my tongue, maybe like there's another one.
37:47
SPEAKER_01: It's on the back of my teeth.
37:49
SPEAKER_01: Meaning, meaning, like, on the back of my teeth.
37:54
SPEAKER_01: It's on the back of my teeth, which means like I know I know this, but I'm not gonna retrieve it.
37:59
SPEAKER_01: Like, there's no chance of me getting like I know it's in there somewhere, but like it's like a popcorn kernel in the back of your mind.
38:05
SPEAKER_01: It's like, I I I cannot, I I not until I get home and bust out the floss will I be able to remember this.
38:11
SPEAKER_01: Like it is, it is something like I I know I know it, but I need to acknowledge to you right now that answer is not forthcoming unless someone has a phone.
38:20
Matt: Now that's interesting because me hearing back of the teeth, back of my teeth, that to I took it a very different direction.
38:28
Matt: The first thing I thought of was saying it to somebody like, Eric, you're really getting on the back of my teeth right now.
38:36
Matt: Crawling into your mouth.
38:39
Matt: Yeah, like you're you're you're really fucking annoying me, and I can't do anything about it.
38:46
Matt: You you're really getting in there.
38:48
Matt: Oh, yeah.
38:48
Matt: I'm I'm trying to massage you out with my tongue, but you're not going to be able to do that.
38:52
SPEAKER_01: Well, because it's either that or say, man, you're really in the back of my throat right now.
38:56
SPEAKER_01: Oh, God.
38:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
38:58
SPEAKER_01: We we all know them, I like my I like I like because that's a phrase I kind of I I it's a feeling I feel all the time when I was describing.
39:05
SPEAKER_01: It's like, hey, I know I know this, but it's not paying.
39:07
Matt: Hey, you keep your personal life personal, am I right?
39:12
SPEAKER_01: Uh I like back of the teeth.
39:14
SPEAKER_01: Back of the teeth has legs.
39:16
Matt: Uh okay.
39:17
Matt: I'm revisiting because we were specifically asked about on the eyebrow.
39:20
Matt: On the eyebrow.
39:21
Matt: And now, so if we're picturing a raised eyebrow here and and we're thinking of it as a literal thing, it can't be the opposite of another expression.
39:30
Matt: What I'm now thinking of, what I'm now considering is something that makes you raise the eyebrow would make me go, like, oh wow, you know what?
39:38
Matt: That's really on the eyebrow.
39:40
Matt: Let's think about that.
39:40
Matt: Yeah, let's take that deeper.
39:42
Matt: You know what I mean?
39:43
Matt: That's a real thinker.
39:44
Matt: That's a real thinker.
39:45
Matt: And if you I I do like that because you turned into a 1920s pitch man.
39:50
Matt: That's a real thinker you got there, son.
39:51
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's a real thinker.
39:53
SPEAKER_01: You could also use the sarcasm filter on that one to to call someone's idea pretentious.
39:59
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's really on the eyebrow.
40:01
SPEAKER_01: Like that's oh, that's like that's a real oh wow.
40:04
SPEAKER_01: Yes, it becomes versatile.
40:06
SPEAKER_01: You could use it either way.
40:07
SPEAKER_01: Yes, you can, you can, you can like, oh, that's on the eyebrow.
40:10
SPEAKER_01: Like, like, like, oh, you're higher level thinking right now, my human.
40:13
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
40:13
Matt: Because you can do that with like you hit it on the nose, right?
40:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, oh yeah, you hit it really on the nose.
40:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
40:19
SPEAKER_01: Or you're like, oh yeah, you really hit it on the eyebrow, Chet.
40:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
40:22
SPEAKER_01: Fucking, wow, way to go.
40:24
SPEAKER_01: Look at the big brain on chet.
40:26
Matt: Look at the big brain on chet.
40:28
Matt: But alternatively, you could be like, whoa, chet, wow, you really hit that one on the eyebrow.
40:34
Matt: What the fuck does that mean?
40:35
SPEAKER_01: Blowing my fucking eyebrows right now, my man.
40:37
SPEAKER_01: Blowing my fucking mind, chet.
40:40
SPEAKER_01: Blowing these eyebrows right off my fucking face.
40:43
SPEAKER_01: God, chet.
40:44
Matt: You know, you're really hitting the I gotta say, Chet, with that one, you're really hitting the back of my throat.
40:48
Matt: You know what I mean?
40:49
Matt: Getting me shaking at the cheek.
40:52
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, shaking at the cheek.
40:54
SPEAKER_01: Shaking at the cheek.
40:55
SPEAKER_01: What's shaking at the cheek, man?
40:57
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's what we're gonna decide right now.
40:59
Matt: Shaking at the cheek.
41:02
Matt: Oh, okay.
41:03
Matt: So you made like a little horror face just now, like you were going, oh shaking but it could be taken the other way of being like, oh you we you all know, I know visual meet uh audio medium, yes.
41:16
SPEAKER_01: Uh we are currently shaking our jaws back and forth like horizontally, not not vertically.
41:23
Matt: If we were a cartoon character who's just seen uh like a foxy lady.
41:30
SPEAKER_01: If you've ever watched uh that classic film The Mask, and you see Jim Carrey go like that motion that was very good.
41:39
Matt: Thank you.
41:40
Matt: That gave me the visualization with the audio shaking at the cheeks.
41:46
Matt: Swerving at the chin.
41:48
Matt: Don't I don't like swerving at the swerving at the chin.
41:52
Matt: No.
41:53
Matt: And are there any other underutilized parts of the body parts of the face head that we can come up with?
41:58
Matt: The eyelids.
42:00
SPEAKER_01: Eyelashes, the eyelids.
42:01
SPEAKER_01: Well, batting your lashes at somebody is a thing.
42:03
SPEAKER_01: Eyelids don't really well to flutter one's eyelids, but that's more of just like a descriptor of something that a body.
42:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but there's always closing one's eyes to a closing one's eyes.
42:14
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we're oh we're really we're really yanking our lids on this one.
42:18
SPEAKER_01: Ah when you just that's for when you you've seen something like I need to unsee this, yanking at your lids.
42:25
SPEAKER_01: Ugh.
42:26
SPEAKER_01: What dent dent in the dimples.
42:29
SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh, that one put a dent in my dimples.
42:31
SPEAKER_01: That's cute.
42:32
SPEAKER_01: That puts it that puts a dent in my dimples.
42:34
SPEAKER_01: Matt, that's really cute.
42:36
SPEAKER_01: That's my favorite one.
42:37
SPEAKER_01: I think that has to stay wholesome though.
42:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's got it.
42:41
SPEAKER_01: Man, that really put a dent in my dimples.
42:44
SPEAKER_01: That's really cute.
42:45
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna bust that one out now.
42:47
SPEAKER_01: Dent in my dimples.
42:48
SPEAKER_01: Really put a dent in my dimples, babe, when you put a bullet between my eyes when the mutants were dragging me off.
42:54
Matt: Eric, Eric, this is a safe space.
42:56
Matt: Thank you.
42:56
Matt: Safe space.
42:58
Matt: Thank you.
42:58
Matt: So dare I say a worm-free zone.
43:02
SPEAKER_01: It's a good thing my girlfriend's not a worm.
43:04
SPEAKER_01: This would be really awkward if she was.
43:06
SPEAKER_01: She's listening to this, right?
43:08
SPEAKER_01: Like she's gonna be listening to this at some point, and I'm just like she's just gonna be looking at me across the room, looking devastated.
43:16
Matt: Does she hold on?
43:16
Matt: This is a real question.
43:17
Matt: Does she drop all bits drop at the moment?
43:21
Matt: Does she listen to the podcast in your presence?
43:24
Matt: Oh, no, no, in your presence.
43:26
SPEAKER_01: Um, no, it's not like I'll be sit, like we'll be sitting down.
43:28
SPEAKER_01: She's like, I'm gonna listen to your podcast now.
43:30
SPEAKER_01: No, like she'll be if she's doing like chores or something, or like like I might like walk in on her like fucking like painting or something and like lit and like listening to the podcast, but because Lindsay listens to the podcast exclusively when I'm not around.
43:44
Matt: Like she'll listen to it in the car.
43:46
Matt: She doesn't want me around, but that that's because I'll inevitably be like What part yet?
43:51
Matt: Which thing's going on?
43:53
Matt: Yeah, remember that.
43:54
Matt: No, I get the debrief after.
43:56
Matt: In fact, in fact, this is notable.
43:58
Matt: Uh let's have a production call, right?
44:00
Matt: In the middle of this episode.
44:01
Matt: Lindsay said in a way, she side pitched an idea of bringing uh collecting all of her corrections after an episode is over.
44:14
Matt: Amaz and doing like a doing a full closing section.
44:17
Matt: Is that a virtual thing?
44:18
Matt: Are we gonna have to defend our thesis?
44:20
Matt: Nice, Eric.
44:21
Matt: Nice.
44:22
Matt: Yes.
44:23
Matt: Yes.
44:23
Matt: From Dr.
44:26
Matt: Lindsay Barr.
44:27
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
44:28
Matt: We can say it now, people!
44:31
SPEAKER_01: Dr.
44:31
SPEAKER_01: and Mr.
44:32
SPEAKER_01: Lindsay Barr.
44:33
SPEAKER_01: That's I'm gonna announce the both of you every time you walk into a room.
44:37
SPEAKER_01: Thank as well.
44:39
SPEAKER_01: I've always wanted an excuse to introduce that's such a good introduction.
44:42
unknown: Dr.
44:43
SPEAKER_01: Larry.
44:43
Matt: And you've been you've been waiting.
44:44
Matt: You've because you've referenced Dr.
44:46
SPEAKER_01: Barr, but I and I've had to say not yet.
44:48
SPEAKER_01: The number of times Matt has had to correct me that when Lindsay wasn't well, it's because she she holds herself in such a doctorly carriage.
44:57
SPEAKER_01: Like in such a in such a no carriage, a noble bearing, and such a in such a HD mood, fam.
45:08
SPEAKER_01: Like she had like I knew she had it.
45:11
SPEAKER_01: Like I knew she fucking had it.
45:13
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
45:14
SPEAKER_01: There was never a question.
45:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, she's she's you know she's one of the coolest people I know.
45:20
SPEAKER_01: And that's what that's what fucking terrifies me is we have someone with a fucking doctorate coming at us with a oh hey, uh, let me let me let me correct some things you fucked up.
45:32
SPEAKER_01: Because you know, you know they're gonna be salient points.
45:37
SPEAKER_01: You know it.
45:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
45:38
SPEAKER_01: Oh I d don't don't I know it, my friend.
45:42
SPEAKER_01: Is this like nights in Westeros?
45:44
SPEAKER_01: Can a doctor make another doc?
45:46
SPEAKER_01: Like if we successfully defend our podcasts thesis against Dr.
45:50
SPEAKER_01: Barr, do we become like like deputy doctors?
45:55
SPEAKER_01: Doctors of podcasting?
45:56
SPEAKER_01: Doctors of podcasting.
45:58
Matt: I think we do.
46:00
Matt: I think we do.
46:00
Matt: Okay.
46:01
Matt: I think we do.
46:02
Matt: Yeah.
46:03
Matt: The coveted doctoral uh d uh degree of uh uh the PhD.
46:09
Matt: So well, we in a way, Eric, are we not doctors of philosophy?
46:13
Matt: We are doctors of the of of the world.
46:16
Matt: Don't don't doesn't just doesn't just having a podcast make us doctors of philosophy.
46:23
Matt: Yes.
46:29
Matt: Well, I'm gonna catch so much shit from this episode.
46:34
SPEAKER_01: The the podcast doc oh no, the podcast doctor sounds like a thing.
46:38
Matt: I just want to say, we started this bit by trying to earnestly congratulate my wife on a public podcast.
46:44
Matt: And it just turned into us like and it turned into the two of us going, aren't we doctors basically?
46:50
SPEAKER_01: We are already drafting letters of intent to post on the fucking like community walls so we can declare a fucking duel.
46:58
SPEAKER_01: It's absolutely we gotta do by the way, we gotta do what the best we can because like we're she will metaphysically, intellectually hurt us very, very badly.
47:11
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so so that's a go on the segment, then.
47:14
SPEAKER_01: Yes, good segment.
47:16
SPEAKER_01: Good segment.
47:16
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to our hey gang.
47:18
SPEAKER_01: Glad you could all make it to this production meeting.
47:20
Matt: We have yeah, well, you know what?
47:23
Matt: You know, we've already pulled the audience once.
47:25
Matt: I know.
47:25
SPEAKER_01: It's already this this is our working production meeting.
47:28
Matt: Now, don't go thinking you all can just give us corrections, though.
47:32
Matt: I mean, you can.
47:33
Matt: You can, yeah.
47:34
Matt: But don't think that makes you a doctor.
47:37
Matt: No, no, no, no.
47:38
Matt: I don't.
47:39
Matt: I have lost complete control of this bit.
47:42
SPEAKER_01: You really, you're, you really, uh, you really hit that one on the eyebrow.
47:47
Matt: Hey, way to bring it on back.
47:49
Matt: Bring it on.
47:50
Matt: Way to bring it on back before we really got stuck behind the teeth.
47:53
SPEAKER_01: You know, I I I will I say I think we should close this one with uh that really puts a dent in my dimples.
47:58
SPEAKER_01: Very cute.
47:59
SPEAKER_01: You should all use that in your life.
48:01
SPEAKER_01: That's that's just gonna sprinkle Johnny Appleseed some good vibes out there, babes.
48:05
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
48:06
Matt: Johnny Appleseed, some vibes at Abbey Boone 13.
48:10
Matt: I hope I think we've given you a good schmorgish board of options for facial features.
48:16
Matt: And let me just say, earnestly and completely, Dr.
48:21
Matt: Lindsay Barr.
48:22
Matt: Dr.
48:22
Matt: Congratulations, Lindsay Motherfucking Barr.
48:26
Matt: And that just just everything, you're you're it's an enormous accomplishment, and it really put a dent in my dimples.
48:35
Matt: Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, uh oh, cute alert, cute alert, cute alert.
48:43
SPEAKER_01: Have you ever been in a Planet Fitness?
48:45
SPEAKER_01: No, never in my life.
48:46
SPEAKER_01: Are you familiar with the oh, so you wouldn't be familiar with the lunk alert?
48:50
Matt: Well, you you got you and on our last episode, you and Mike Perry mentioned the lunk alert, and I have no idea what it is.
48:56
Matt: And I just played ball.
48:57
SPEAKER_01: Oh, the lunk alert.
48:59
SPEAKER_01: Matt, it's a literal alarm system in the gym that anyone can go activate at any time.
49:05
SPEAKER_01: And a so a lunk is someone in the gym who's like being way too aggro, like they're slamming their weights down, they're not re-racking their weights, they're not wiping shit out, like they're just being like, if they're just breaking all of the social contract in the gym.
49:20
SPEAKER_01: And whenever you see that happen, you go, uh-oh, hit the button lunk alert! Like that is it, and like there's a fucking siren and a little light flashes, and that is a thing that every planet fitness has inside of it.
49:36
Matt: Is it one button or like are there they conveniently stationed like those green, like those, like those blue safety phones on a college campus?
49:44
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, there's just like one, there's a giant, there's a big fucking like onomatopy explosion of text that says lunk alert underneath of this light.
49:53
SPEAKER_01: I think the button's over there.
49:54
SPEAKER_01: You gotta go, uh-oh, lunk alert.
49:57
Matt: What you've just said to me makes me think that Planet Fitness just wants people to fight.
50:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I want to know who's received the worst ass beating over the lunk alert.
50:08
SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm saying.
50:09
SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't think I someone has gotten their ass kicked over the lunk alert.
50:13
SPEAKER_01: And like, they're like, I'm sitting there, my broken body, they're like, uh, and they're like, yeah, what are you gonna do?
50:19
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, uh, looks like we got a lunk and I hit the button again.
50:24
Matt: And then they just take those weights and crush his skull with lunk alert.
50:29
Matt: Oh my god, that is chaos, what you've just said.
50:32
Matt: Oh, yeah.
50:33
Matt: And speaking of chaos, so has this whole damn episode.
50:37
Matt: It is cursed.
50:38
SPEAKER_01: It is cursed, but we're we're we're slowly we're gonna cleanse this house.
50:42
SPEAKER_01: Um, shall we go on to our our closing segment, Matthew?
50:46
Matt: And it's a closing segment, Eric, that we uh that we've been uh, I want to say ignoring for a little bit, that we've yeah, perhaps uh turned a blind eye to.
50:56
Matt: But but now I think it's time to raise everybody's eyebrows a little bit and uh go back and and explore the space.
51:04
Matt: And it's kind of function that you kind of funny that you mentioned the Squonk, because the Squonk is, of course, one of the best local legends we have ever featured.
51:16
Matt: That's right, folks.
51:17
Matt: We're back with some more local legends.
51:20
Matt: Oh now, Eric, yes, it's been so long since we've done such a segment of this.
51:26
Matt: I I can't remember who went where.
51:27
Matt: So would you like to go first or would you like me to go first?
51:30
SPEAKER_01: I'll go first.
51:31
SPEAKER_01: All right, go for it.
51:32
SPEAKER_01: So my local legend uh comes from El Salvador.
51:36
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
51:37
SPEAKER_01: The legend of El Tabudo.
51:40
SPEAKER_01: El Tabudo.
51:42
SPEAKER_01: El Tabudo.
51:43
SPEAKER_01: El Tabudo! You're getting more American every time you say it.
51:47
SPEAKER_01: And and this is this is from like uh uh uh a website just about El Salvador, like things around El Salvador.
51:55
SPEAKER_01: Uh El Tabudo, this legend has become very popular among fishermen, residents, and visitors of Cotapique Lake.
52:05
SPEAKER_01: I'm assuming I'm pronouncing that incorrectly.
52:08
SPEAKER_01: I can no, I assume you're pronouncing everything correctly.
52:11
SPEAKER_01: So the story goes that one day a rich man and owner of a beautiful mansion located on the shores of Cotapique Lake went to take a ride in a canoe.
52:23
SPEAKER_01: When he was near the island, a groundwater flow rushed over him and took him to the goddess of freshwater domain.
52:33
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
52:33
SPEAKER_01: He then disappeared.
52:35
SPEAKER_01: A few months later, the rich man appeared to his servants and gave his mansion to them.
52:42
SPEAKER_01: They were perplexed because his knees had both widened to look like a couple of soccer balls, and his lips had changed so that he now resembled a marine creature rather than a human being.
52:56
SPEAKER_01: He sounds like a Playmobile figure at the moment.
52:59
SPEAKER_01: Oh, Matthew, El Tabuto is a word used in El Salvador with the meaning knees.
53:06
SPEAKER_01: So El Tabuto means man with big knees.
53:14
SPEAKER_01: And legend has it that El Tabuto is a kind of submarine creature that appears to be a humble fisherman so that he can win the confidence of his victims, taking them to the middle of the lake, uh, presumably to fucking drown them.
53:30
SPEAKER_01: El Tabuto transforms men into big colorful fishes and women into freshwater sirens.
53:39
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, freshwater sirens.
53:43
SPEAKER_01: I love this.
53:44
SPEAKER_01: What a piece of shit, local let.
53:46
SPEAKER_01: Like he he he's like a rich guy who who went to the goddess of freshwater domain, clearly showed his ass and got it handed to him.
53:56
SPEAKER_01: And now he's got big old knobby soccer ball knees, and he turns people into fish fish and hot fish.
54:05
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
54:06
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so fish and hot fish, and those are the only options.
54:09
SPEAKER_01: Those are the only he tries to lure you out to the middle of the lake, but but first he wins your confidence.
54:14
SPEAKER_01: So, like I I love that he it's it's like a long con, but a long con predicated on you not noticing his massive soccer ball-shaped sized knees and the fact that he apparently looks like an aquatic creature.
54:29
SPEAKER_01: He like he he convinces you that he's your friend until all of a sudden, oop.
54:34
Matt: But here's the thing that's getting me.
54:36
Matt: It's the fresh, it's the fresh water aspect.
54:39
SPEAKER_01: It's specific lake.
54:40
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this isn't like an ocean or lake.
54:43
Matt: Yeah, because if you're in the if you're in the the ocean, if you're on the seas, if you're like Odysseus being uh uh uh uh uh confronted by the sirens, you have to you and you have to tie yourself to the mast because you you have nowhere to go, you have nothing to do.
55:02
Matt: That's part of the threat of the siren, I feel like.
55:05
Matt: But in a lake, unless you're just don't go to that lake.
55:08
SPEAKER_01: It's a and it's a sp it's not even like lakes, it's a specific lake that has the big knobby soccer football neme in it.
55:17
Matt: What was the name of the lake again?
55:18
Matt: Uh Cotapique.
55:20
Matt: Uh Lago de Cotapique.
55:22
Matt: Let's take a look at this.
55:24
Matt: I've got it.
55:24
Matt: Lago means lake.
55:26
Matt: Yes.
55:27
Matt: Okay.
55:28
Matt: So I'm looking at a picture of it, and we can put this on the Instagram.
55:31
Matt: Does it look nice?
55:33
Matt: Yeah, here.
55:34
Matt: I'll I'll go ahead and uh show you.
55:36
SPEAKER_01: Um Matt's over here.
55:37
SPEAKER_01: Like, it was your legend, and you haven't even seen the lake?
55:41
Matt: It that that crossed my mind.
55:43
Matt: Uh the Okay, okay.
55:45
SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
55:46
SPEAKER_01: Hello.
55:47
SPEAKER_01: Okay, very pretty lake.
55:49
SPEAKER_01: It's a pretty lake.
55:51
SPEAKER_01: There's like a little island.
55:52
SPEAKER_01: Like there's an island.
55:53
SPEAKER_01: I wonder if that's where he lures you.
55:55
Matt: Well, it's crater lake-esque in that it's got like one little big island in the middle of it.
56:01
Matt: Not even the middle of it, it's off to the side.
56:03
Matt: But so it is very pretty, but it's not.
56:07
Matt: I mean, it's big, sure.
56:08
SPEAKER_01: But I could just not go to that lake.
56:11
Matt: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
56:12
Matt: It's not impossibly big.
56:14
SPEAKER_01: This is like the most preventable kind of mythological creature encounter.
56:20
Matt: I just feel like the siren.
56:23
Matt: When I think of a siren, I think of being encountered by this mythical beast in the middle of the ocean, yeah.
56:29
Matt: So far from land or other people that it's like, oh, I have no choice but to give in to the this could easily be a situation where there's drunk people on a boat being like, oh, hey, don't bother them.
56:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like someone's like, Oh, get away from get the fuck away from him, big knee man with big knees.
56:48
SPEAKER_01: And the man with big knees is like, come on, and you just hear that's his like big squishy knees smacking together.
56:55
Matt: That's them just moving, that's just them moving around.
56:58
SPEAKER_01: I feel like he gets dunked on by most of the locals, like, because this is what a rich man thought would scare the poor, and it just doesn't work.
57:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
57:07
Matt: Wow.
57:07
Matt: Well, Eric, I had no idea about this local legend or Cotopique Lake, so thank you for bringing both of them to all of our attention.
57:16
SPEAKER_01: Anytime.
57:16
Matt: Now, you've given us somebody who it sounds like kind of started as a man and became a cryptid.
57:22
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
57:23
Matt: I am once again, as as has been our uh dynamic on this segment for some time, I am going to bring you But a man.
57:32
Matt: But a man.
57:34
Matt: I can't tell you his name because nobody knows it.
57:37
Matt: Nobody knows it, Eric.
57:38
Matt: It's Butaman.
57:40
Matt: I will tell you the legend, Eric.
57:43
Matt: Of the Virginia TV headman.
57:46
Matt: Oh fuck yes.
57:48
Matt: Take me.
57:49
Matt: Do you know the story?
57:50
Matt: No.
57:52
Matt: Good.
57:52
Matt: Good.
57:53
Matt: Listen up, leader.
57:55
Matt: Listen up, listeners, as I spin you some yarn.
57:59
SPEAKER_01: Sit right back and we'll tell a tale of Virginia headman.
58:02
SPEAKER_01: Sorry, God.
58:03
SPEAKER_01: Nope, nope.
58:04
SPEAKER_01: By all means, keep going.
58:05
SPEAKER_01: He went to Lake Kota Piquet to find that soccer ball man.
58:11
SPEAKER_01: Keep going.
58:12
SPEAKER_01: Uh the ship was out on the lake.
58:16
SPEAKER_01: The knobby knee man said hey.
58:19
SPEAKER_01: The Virginia headman said I no interest.
58:23
SPEAKER_01: Please go away.
58:26
SPEAKER_01: Keep going.
58:27
SPEAKER_01: Keep going.
58:28
SPEAKER_01: There's my poach and Matthew Shea.
58:33
SPEAKER_01: They're not billionaires.
58:35
SPEAKER_01: Matt's got a wife.
58:37
SPEAKER_01: They'll both be movie stars.
58:41
SPEAKER_01: And the rest here on Aesop's Fables.
58:48
unknown: There it is.
58:49
SPEAKER_01: That's the new theme song.
58:52
Matt: Workshopping.
58:53
Matt: Okay, yes.
58:53
Matt: There you go.
58:54
Matt: I forced you to complete that bit.
58:57
Matt: So the Virginia TV Headman is at the center of two mysterious happenings in Henrico County, Virginia in 2018 and 2019.
59:10
Matt: Tell me more immediately.
59:12
Matt: On August 23rd, 2018, reports surfaced of residents waking up to a box set TV carefully placed in the center of their porch, facing inward to their front door.
59:30
Matt: There were over twenty houses that reported their newly acquired television, but there was no evidence of how these TVs appeared there, no photos, nothing.
59:44
Matt: So that story went widely unreported until a year later, on August 12th, 2019, over fifty residents woke up to the strange sight, a box set television placed in the center of their porch, facing the front door.
1:00:07
Matt: This time, however, a number of doorbell cameras revealed the culprit, or possibly culprits.
1:00:17
Matt: A man dressed in a blue jumpsuit, wearing gloves, and most notably, a box set TV on his head.
1:00:30
SPEAKER_01: Fu this is some fucking black mirror goddamn fuck.
1:00:36
SPEAKER_01: Nope.
1:00:37
SPEAKER_01: Nope.
1:00:38
SPEAKER_01: Nope.
1:00:38
Matt: The TV man can be seen appro the TV man.
1:00:43
Matt: There's video.
1:00:44
Matt: There's video.
1:00:45
Matt: A TV man, the TV man can be seen approaching the porch, squatting, and carefully placing the TV on the porch before walking away.
1:00:54
Matt: Good form.
1:00:55
Matt: Good form, TV.
1:00:56
Matt: Good form, good form.
1:00:58
Matt: In one video, he turns and waves to the camera.
1:01:02
SPEAKER_01: Fuck that.
1:01:05
Matt: From the Washington Post.
1:01:07
Matt: Matt Pecca, a lieutenant with the local police department, said quote, We determined there was no credible threat to residents, and that this was strictly an inconvenience.
1:01:22
Matt: Pecca said it was, quote, unique.
1:01:29
Matt: That it was.
1:01:30
Matt: That it was.
1:01:31
Matt: Pecca also said uh police believe he had a helper, another man in a white jumpsuit, who also wore a TV on his head as he made deliveries.
1:01:42
Matt: Now Pekka also said that there's nothing really to investigate.
1:01:46
Matt: As the closest Nothing really to investigate.
1:01:52
Matt: Police work at its finest.
1:01:54
Matt: As the closest crime would be leaving an unwanted item on private property.
1:02:02
Matt: But, quote, I mean one TV neatly placed on the front doorstep of each resident.
1:02:08
Matt: It wasn't really done in a malicious manner, Pekka said.
1:02:13
Matt: To which I say, What the fuck are you talking about, my guy?
1:02:17
Matt: This guy's secretly and ritualistically placing televisions on 50 porches.
1:02:24
SPEAKER_01: I swear to God, so like the next time this pops up, they're gonna have footage of this dude standing on someone's porch.
1:02:30
SPEAKER_01: He is facing the ring camera, he holds a remote in his hand and he's changing the channels that are on his face.
1:02:36
SPEAKER_01: Like it'll it'll Oh my god, like Daft Punk.
1:02:40
SPEAKER_01: And the cops will just be like, no TVs will be TVs.
1:02:45
Matt: In okay, in fact, while some residents were disturbed by the incident, the overwhelming sense seems to be bemusement, with one resident saying, quote, it was a nice distraction.
1:02:59
Matt: Boom.
1:03:01
Matt: It certainly lightened the mood around here.
1:03:04
Matt: I'm I'm beyond speech with that one.
1:03:06
Matt: This does not lighten me.
1:03:10
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, are we just gonna be okay with this?
1:03:13
SPEAKER_01: Am I the only one who gives a shit about these TVs?
1:03:17
Matt: It's a Panasonic! As of today, Eric, there have been no reports of a third visit of the Henrico County TV man, Eric.
1:03:30
Matt: May I show him to you?
1:03:32
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, of course you will.
1:03:34
SPEAKER_01: Behold.
1:03:36
SPEAKER_01: Oh god damn it.
1:03:38
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
1:03:39
SPEAKER_01: Take a look at the show.
1:03:41
SPEAKER_01: And so this is the shot.
1:03:42
SPEAKER_01: That is everyone.
1:03:44
Matt: This is the shot when he turned This is the shot where he turns around and waves.
1:03:49
SPEAKER_01: This is some sh oh nothing to be worried about, folks.
1:03:54
SPEAKER_01: You just got that on your front doorstep.
1:03:57
Matt: Absolutely.
1:03:59
Matt: The uh uh and again, folks, we'll put a a video, a picture, I mean, of our man, the Henrico County TV man on the Instagram so you too can learn all about it.
1:04:11
Matt: I hate this.
1:04:12
SPEAKER_01: If you are the Virginia TV head man, we do want to interview you.
1:04:17
SPEAKER_01: Just know that I will be so upset the entire time.
1:04:20
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
1:04:21
SPEAKER_01: Um and you have to wear the TV.
1:04:24
Matt: Yeah, TV.
1:04:26
Matt: The um so that is gonna do it for this edition of The Local Legends.
1:04:32
Matt: If you are in Virginia, if you know the TV head man or have seen him, or are the TV headman, we'll protect your identity, we'll bring you on the show.
1:04:42
Matt: You can do the show on the TV.
1:04:43
SPEAKER_01: In fact, oh yeah, we'll validate this.
1:04:45
Matt: I'll insist that you do.
1:04:48
Matt: Yeah, we'll reward this potentially criminal behavior.
1:04:52
Matt: Oh, I'm sorry.
1:04:53
Matt: No, it's not criminal.
1:04:55
Matt: There's nothing suspicious about it.
1:04:59
SPEAKER_01: The fucking to a decade from now, everyone will be talking about the Panasonic murders and how could and how it was the most preventable, clearly how it could have been.
1:05:10
SPEAKER_01: Clearly fucking, yeah, uh uh uh broadcasted fucking oh, here it's coming.
1:05:17
SPEAKER_01: He marked his victims ten years in advance.
1:05:21
SPEAKER_01: Unless but wait, Matt, hold on.
1:05:24
SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
1:05:25
SPEAKER_01: What if, Matt, what if this is the sci-fi equivalent, you know, from that movie the uh uh uh The Prince of Egypt and paints he paints the blood on the uh That could be uh what if he what if this is our the future's now moment?
1:05:41
SPEAKER_01: What if he's heralding the post-apocalypse, pre-apocalypse?
1:05:45
SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm saying, Eric.
1:05:47
Matt: He could be a uh uh a herald of of doom to come.
1:05:54
Matt: Metal.
1:05:55
Matt: And he went unrecognized.
1:05:59
Matt: He went unheeded.
1:06:00
Matt: We'll uh we'll interview you.
1:06:02
Matt: We'll give that a platform.
1:06:04
Matt: And with that, that'll about do it for this cursed episode of You Didn't Ask For This.
1:06:10
Matt: Uh, as always, you can submit your questions, your local legends, your whatever the fuck, and most importantly, for this particular episode, your mascot suggestions.
1:06:22
Matt: You can submit them to us at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com, all spelled out, or on social media, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, at you didn't askpod.
1:06:32
Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod, or leave us a voicemail on the thought line at 410-929-5329.
1:06:41
Matt: And that's the business for you, folks.
1:06:44
Matt: Eric, did I uh are is there any other business we need to put out there?
1:06:48
Matt: Matt, you gave them the business.
1:06:49
Matt: I gave them the business.
1:06:51
Matt: Uh so yeah, that'll about do it from all of us here at You Didn't Ask for This.
1:06:57
Matt: My name's Matt Shay.
1:06:59
Matt: My name's Eric Poach.
1:07:00
SPEAKER_01: And listen, you didn't ask.
1:07:02
SPEAKER_01: But I appreciate the fuck out of you, Matthew.
1:07:04
SPEAKER_01: You would do anything in your power to rescue me from the knowing, knowing that it wouldn't work.
1:07:09
SPEAKER_01: Like that's it was futile.
1:07:12
SPEAKER_01: Like knowing it was futile, you would do anything.
1:07:14
SPEAKER_01: You would fight tooth and nail.
1:07:17
SPEAKER_01: Tooth and nail, my friend.
1:07:18
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
1:07:19
SPEAKER_01: You know what, Matt?
1:07:20
SPEAKER_01: If you were a worm, yeah, I'd still date you.
1:07:23
SPEAKER_01: Aww.
1:07:24
Matt: Thanks, Eric.
1:07:25
Matt: Really?
1:07:26
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:07:26
SPEAKER_01: That's nice, Eric.
1:07:28
SPEAKER_01: And if the mutants were gonna drag you away, I'd squish you.
1:07:31
Matt: I appreciate that.
1:07:32
Matt: Yeah.
1:07:32
Matt: I appreciate that out of you.
1:07:34
Matt: I would not, however, date you if you were a worm.
1:07:36
Matt: Hey, that's fair.
1:07:37
Matt: Everything's fine.
1:07:38
Matt: No, I wouldn't.
1:07:38
Matt: I um just what am I gonna do with that?
1:07:41
Matt: Whatever you want, baby.
1:07:42
Matt: Oh, well, slither on over, friendly minds.