Latest / The Bold Lounge / Erin Washington: The Courage to be You- Why Boldness Starts Within

Transcript

Erin Washington: The Courage to be You- Why Boldness Starts Within · The Bold Lounge

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Bold Lounge podcast.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: My name is Leigh Burgess and I will be your host.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: If you're anything like me, you love hearing inspiring stories of people who have gone on bold journeys and made a positive impact in the world.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: This podcast is all about those kinds of stories.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Every week, we'll hear from someone who has taken a leap or embarked on an extraordinary journey.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: In addition to hearing their stories, we'll also learn about their bold growth mindset that they use to make things happen.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Whether they face challenges or doubts along the way, they persisted and ultimately achieved their goals.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: These impactful stories will leave you feeling motivated and inspired to pursue your own bold journey.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I believe everyone has a bold story waiting to be freed.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Tune in and get ready to be inspired.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Bold Lounge.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Today I have Erin Washington.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Erin is the author of From Pain to Purpose Finding Meaning in the Mess and host of the hit podcast Theranpy, and A Single Mom of Two.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: After struggling with body image and self-worth for almost two decades, erin created the Blue Butterfly Foundation, a not-for-profit that provides mentorship and advocacy for teen girls struggling with body image and self-worth.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the podcast.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited to get into this bold discussion with you, and we'll start off with how do you define bold in your world, erin?
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: I'm not sure how I would have defined it prior to the last two years, but I found a definition of bold that applies to my life now and to me it's being true, to what you know is right, even though it may not make sense to other people and it may be a harder road, but choosing that anyway is being bold.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: So it includes being misunderstood.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: Potentially it includes going away.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: That isn't the easy route, or it might be even the high road, which I always say is a lonely road sometimes, you know.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: From that perspective.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: So, and it's right for you, it means alignment.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Authentic.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, authentic to you, and that's the only person that needs to mean that too specifically.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: So when you think about your life in your definition, what's a moment that comes up for you that aligns with that definition?
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: Recently I rebranded my brand.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: It was all built on.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: It used to be called squats and margaritas.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: I wrote a book about that, about finding balance.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: After you mentioned two decades of eating disorders and not having any self-worth and body image, and it's almost like when I wrote that book and when I had that show Squats and Margaritas I thought I was living as my highest self, Like I'd finally figured out the body image mess and here's how to do it and I'm going to inspire other women.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: And recently there's been some changes in my life and I've just looked at things.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: I look in a different perspective and I don't think it's all about the physical body appearance and body image and I've gone on a little bit of a spiritual journey and decided to rebrand.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: As you mentioned, my podcast is called Theran P and I work through everything you'd work through in therapy with professionals or with another guest.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: That's just as vulnerable, self-worth, personal growth relationships.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: Right now I'm looking at divorce, co-parenting, sobriety-ish, sober curiosity and I just work through it.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: I'll be my vulnerable self and work through my issues, hoping that whoever's listening will get the answers that they're looking for without having to be as vulnerable.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: And it just became.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: My show was just straight therapy every week.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: I wasn't really talking about fitness or margaritas and it just didn't feel authentic.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: And after four years of just pushing that brand and making it everything, it was scary to be like, oh, I'm not squats and margaritas anymore, Now I'm going to be therapy.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: And I remember I was talking to Gabby Bernstein on my show and I was like, well, I'm kind of sober, curious, and I don't really talk about fitness, but I know it's going to kill my brand.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: And she very eloquently was like F your brand, this is like unique to you and authentic and this elevates your brand.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: Change it.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: And it was like I just once I got her sign off, I'm like let's do it.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: And I changed it.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: And it's never felt more aligned with why I went through all that to be able to find comfort in exactly who I am.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: And that's why I can be vulnerable, because I'm completely comfortable and now I can share whatever I'm going through and be vulnerable so that somebody else can heal.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: And maybe somebody is not ready to talk about stuff yet, but they can listen to my show and I'll talk about it for us and hopefully they can get the healing.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: So I was scared to completely rebrand, but it feels completely aligned and I'm trying to not like, look at numbers and like is it doing as well as before.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: This is what I'm supposed to do and I'm just going to keep going on this path of just being authentic and vulnerable and I believe that it will help the people that need it.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: So when you say rebrand, it's not, it's much bigger than that.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: I think it's like rebirth, it's like realignment, it's relaunch, like there's a whole bunch of re's that I think you could, you know, mad lib into there in this book.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: You would put in there, because on certain days it probably feels wonderful.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: On other days it feels very foreign, you know, or it feels very vulnerable, which is a word you use.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: But those are all the things that I think that make us human Right and you just described, I think, what people want in the world.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: They want someone to be who they are, they want someone to talk about the things that you know we struggle with, because half the time, if not more, we're not being real.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: We're just kind of talking about stuff that we've heard over and over and over and over.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: I think the word authentic is an interesting word and it's, I think, a lot of the times overused, certainly on LinkedIn.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: So like how do you define that word?
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: What does that mean to you to be authentic?
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: I am 100% myself, like the things that I share.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, 10 years ago I would never share.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: I just share it all because I'm comfortable with who I am.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: And before I would just share, I wanted to present like the best version of me and filters and like my page was just I kind of thought I was doing what I thought you were supposed to do, like I would see other.
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: I kind of started as like a mom account with my kids during COVID and I would look at what other people were doing and their kids were all matching and their, their grid on Instagram all looked a certain way, and so I kind of copied that and I was like, well, this is what you do.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: It was anything but authentic.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: I was doing what I thought you were supposed to do and now my page has grown since I just started sharing all the I mean, uh, full disclosure, I was bulimic, anorexic.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: I'm coming out of a nine year marriage, but we've been together 19 years and it's just like things that you wouldn't want to show about yourself, because it almost feels less than like, oh, you were bulimic or like, oh, your marriage failed.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: But I have found my authenticity and vulnerability to be a superpower, because a lot of people can't be that vulnerable and maybe they haven't found like complete self-acceptance yet.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: So you don't want to show any scars, but since I have found it I will share it because I know I'm not the only one going through a divorce.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: I'm not the only one that had eating disorder struggles.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: So somebody else can follow me or listen to my show and feel seen and less alone.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: And I'm willing to share to help those women because I'm comfortable in who I am and it doesn't bother me if people know I mean I don't like negative comments still bother me, but like I can be authentic, yes, I.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: I'm comfortable in exactly who I am and I'd rather share my journey and try to help someone else, then present this contrived like perfect situation to show that I'm, like I don't know, perfect.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: I struggle with perfectionism, as you know you did my show.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: I just stopped presenting what I thought people wanted to see and like what I thought a thought leader on Instagram should present and how they should be, and just started sharing everything.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: And it feels aligned and right and I've never felt more embodied.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: And you were saying, like another word I've evolved.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: I've absolutely evolved.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: But as I evolved personally, my marriage kind of devolved.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: My relationship kind of went down as the trajectory of my finding myself went up.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: So now I'm kind of in the kind of coming out of it from the last time we talked and getting more clarity.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: But I've been in like a do I almost dull down what I'm doing to make my marriage work because I made vows, or do I fully step into who I believe I am here to be and that would be at the cost of my marriage?
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: There are also two young kids involved, so I have a lot of guilt that they're going back and forth based on a decision that I made I guess another bold decision to leave my marriage.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: So that's where I'm at and I work through that on my show and I know I'm not alone in that.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: But that's where I found myself and I work through that on my show, and I know I'm not alone in that, but that's where I found myself and I never thought I would be talking so openly about the things that.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: I talk about today.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: So being authentic really is kind of letting everyone know that there's successes, there's setbacks, there's mess, you know, in our life, and I think the more we do that, the actual, and I love that.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: You know you were supported and kind of rebranding and she told you to just, you know, be you because that is your brand.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Right, you know, yes, Faking it to keep you know, whatever you know, the name, or to consistency or whatever we're told we're supposed to do with our brand.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: I mean, we evolve, so why wouldn't?
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: our brand right and I want to say, too, I it was hard to walk away from it, because I truly credit squats and margaritas and the balanced lifestyle for changing my life like physically and if somebody was coming to me about body image, like I used to deprive myself and restrict and overeexercise and when I found squats and margaritas, it definitely has a place, but I'm not that person anymore.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: So it was like and you push and work so hard for everybody to know that name and then it's like, ah bye, like I was going to trademark it and it just felt like you're going to start over.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: But I'm not that person anymore.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: It has a place.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: It it did get me to the next level Cause, honestly, when I figured out my body image stuff, it was like the rest of my life that wasn't looming and now I went on like a spiritual evolution and just so much personal growth.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: So I do credit squats and margaritas for having a place and getting me to this evolution.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: It goes in a trash.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Can it just means that's a good.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it felt like it right, yeah, of course.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: So much like blood, sweat and tears that went into it.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Yes, literally and figuratively it, but it doesn't mean it disappears, and I think there's this sense of loss in a way that we maybe go through kind of as we evolve.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: But you know your next level like what got you to where you are now isn't going to get you to where you're going Right, and we've heard that before.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: But it is hard.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: It's not an easy thing to do, especially when you grow your business and grow your following and have a key message and all the things that we do, you know, to make sure that we can provide for our families and have our company and succeed and live the life we want.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: But I think one of the things that sounded like you did is you defined who you are and you also defined how you wanted to live, and that meant potentially, something's not being in alignment anymore, right?
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, lee.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so what I was doing during the pandemic was not even the balance.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: It wasn't squats and margaritas.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: I got two.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: I was drinking too much and I'm looking at it now.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: It had a place and but it doesn't feel authentic.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Like I, I had two tequila brands that were sponsoring my show and I'm like I'm kind of I doesn't feel right to be promoting this and not that tequila is bad but like it didn't feel like a genuine partnership anymore.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to be that I want.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: Now it's like I have a beauty brand and I'm talking to like a all natural something that's just more like not alcohol and it feels more aligned.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: Yes, Well, sometimes we learn by failing or we learn by like looking at ourselves and going that isn't really who I am.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: You know, one thing I've gotten to see over the last couple months is like me doing interviews on television and I feel like I'm doing pretty well, Like they're me you are every one of them, thank you.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: Everyone gets like, you get experience, you get under your belt and you just go through it.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: But the first one I was extremely, extremely nervous for and like I'm not really like a nervous person, you know, I'm not like overly confident I mean, I'm never nervous or excited but I was like seriously, you know, like just deep breath and all that for my first one in Nashville and my husband was like like what's going on?
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: And I was like I don't know, like I'm just extremely nervous and I think it was just something new.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: And then it was very vulnerable and live and I was just like, okay, yeah, I'm equating that to some of the things that you might tape or some things you might do on Instagram or TikTok or you know your social choice.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: But you know there are also like moments in time of that's how you were on October 11th at 4pm.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean October 12th at 5pm.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: You won't have grown, understood or learned.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: So, like every single one, I learned something about myself.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: So like that was a learning for you and it's not something you're going to be doing in 2025, right, it's not.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: My show came from that stage of life because I was going live on Instagram being like what the hell are we supposed to do?
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: There's no playgrounds or schools and I can't go to my gym and what is everybody doing?
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: And I would say, pour a cocktail and we'll talk about momming in a pandemic.
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: And it became like a little show.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: And I was doing it during COVID and a radio station program director in DC was watching me every week, gave me my show.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: So it was necessary.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: I've never even thought about a podcast.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: You would never be where you are now.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: I guess when you were talking it was like admitting now that that was wrong or that's not the way to be.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: It's kind of like how I was, like how do I say it's not squats and margaritas, but like I said before I I still credit balance.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: I wasn't living in balance, it was just all margaritas and I was self-aware enough to be like I'm drinking too much.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: I did a solo episode just talking about it and then I did 30 days no drinking, did a show about that and how I felt and how I got through it, and this feels like what I'm supposed to be sharing now, Like I was supposed to share my eating disorder stuff and I get messages and people are like you're the first person I've told.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: So maybe there's a mom that was drinking too much in the pandemic and is like, oh, I'm drinking every day now, but they're not ready to say it out loud.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: But they can listen to my show and I'll say it and then they can get the guidance from whoever I bring on my show to share my situation.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: So it all aligned to.
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: I never would have had a show, I never would have thought of a podcast and the show evolved into something else.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: But that had to happen.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's stick here for a second Cause.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: This is the time of the year where people create resolutions and they say what I'm going to leave behind and what I'm going to take with me and all those things.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: So, when it comes to drinking for anyone, how did you know you were doing something that you didn't want to keep doing anymore?
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: You said you're sober curious now, so, which means you might take you know spots where you don't drink at all, or you you definitely notice when you drink.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Define that for me.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: But first, like, how did you know you were out of alignment with how you wanted to have a relationship with alcohol?
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: Fabulous question.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: Um, it was hard to notice when your environment is so uh, the drinking appropriation of your environment.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: Like I don't drink as much as the people around me, so for a while it was like, compared to them I am, I have no problem.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: I didn't like how much of a mental load it took on me Like I would.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: It was like taking me back to eating disorders.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Like I'm not going to drink tomorrow, I'll drink on Saturday.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: It was the mental fixation of like but I'm only going to have one.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: Or if I don't, if I have a beer at happy hour, then I'm not going to drink with dinner.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: And it became like the rules again and I didn't want it to have something over me.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: But I'm completely open book.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: I still drink on occasion and a lot of times.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: Like if I have a nice meal because I have somehow like I want to enjoy, it's like an experience and a pairing.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: And before food was once a little bit of.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: At the time it was a vehicle to purge, it was something I took away, something I put on a pedestal.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: I'm out of that mess now.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: So it's like if I want tacos, I want tacos and an IPA, I want spaghetti, or a steak and a Cabernet, and I enjoy my food now.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: And it is an experience.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: I absolutely drink in moderation because I'm very uh, I have OCD but I'm very controlling of like I don't want to feel bad tomorrow.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: So I don't really drink at night.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: I'll have like a drink at happy hour or a drink with dinner.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: But it was very hard for me to go 30 days with nothing.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: So I'm in therapy and we've kind of figured out that like if you're drinking in moderation, not to excess, it's not hurting me.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: But saying I can't have it is almost putting me back into the deprivation mindset of eating disorders and causing more stress.
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: So for me personally and someone who has dealt with eating disorders and deprivation off limits, saying sober wasn't serving me, it was just making me white knuckle, like if I didn't have my show holding me accountable.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: It was really hard.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: Some people can easily go 30 days but then they go back to binge drinking and I don't have that problem.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: So I just work through.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: This is like an episode of my show.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: That's where I'm at, if anybody can relate to that.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: You don't travel your path right.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: So, like, maybe for some people it is like going from the two a day, or three a day, or whatever it may be, or one a day, to none and then sticking with that.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: But in your definition, that actually is counterintuitive and you're.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: It goes into some rule following and also kicks into some of the things that you experienced with your eating disorders, which was depriving yourself right, yes, and that that will not work for you.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: So, like, you have to make it work for you.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: But I've also been told, and by people that have come on my show, like professionals are like you promote moderate drinking or having one or two.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: A lot of people can't moderate Like I guess I've been told I'm an anomaly that if I have a glass of wine like, somebody will be like but then it leads to two or three.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: It doesn't for me.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: It's a choice, right.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: I think what's also very important to hear is this isn't like a one-dimensional type of moment, right, it isn't just drinking is the only thing I'm focusing on in my life.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: Like most people are focusing on drinking and being healthy and working out and having relationships, and most of us also have other things that have happened to us in our lives that we're also dealing with.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: So for you, it's your eating disorders.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: You're also going through a divorce and like it isn't just this one dimensionality of life, of all this and so putting into the equation of one's life, like that is how you, along with those that you know you work with, like that is the thing for you.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: So I think it's important for people to say, like why am I drinking and when am I drinking and how much am I drinking and how am I feeling?
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: right after yeah, I'm so glad you said that, cause I don't drink to numb.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: I've told I drink for pleasure, like I, so enjoy specifically with my meals, like I.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: I never have just a beer if I don't have food.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: But I don't drink to numb, right.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: A lot of people do right.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: They escape right Like escape.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Oh, it's been a rough day, or you know, I'm going to have a glass of wine and then it's into a bottle of wine, and then that's why mine doesn't turn into a bottle of wine?
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: because then, I'll feel sick tomorrow and I'm not drinking to escape.
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: It is something that I feel like because food was such a like I don't know.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: I did never have really enjoyed meals and food until I got through my mess like mid thirties.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: On the other hand, I don't want this.
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: I can't go 30 days.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: What could you?
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: go 30 days without Like.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: If you said I'm going to stop blank for 30 days, let's like flip it on a pause, like I can go 30 days without saying something negative about myself, that would be.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: That would be like that sounds easy for some like, but that would be hard for me.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: But I think I could do it, but I would have to intentionally be focused on it, right, which is the whole point.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: What else could you do for 30?
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: days.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: I'm easier on myself now I could do that.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: I'm easier on myself now I could do that.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: Okay, I could do what you just said.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: Okay, I don't talk to my.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: Finally, a 43 total like self-acceptance and I love who I am.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: Good yeah, miriam Barrett, do you like?
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: I see you like?
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: I see that you're not 2020 Aaron, you're 2025, aaron, right?
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Whether it's eating or drinking or exercising, it's understanding is your relationship healthy.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: Yes, how's it working for you?
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it is interesting.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: Like, even when you're someone that doesn't drink and other people are drinking.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: You can get judged for not drinking versus like.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: Even if you know you're someone who's drinking, you can get judged for how much you drink, but the judgment is on how they look at their own.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: You are, you're a mirror.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: You're a mirror to them and they're like, oh yeah, it could be agitating something in them or they could have their own kind of issue.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Like I said, I think what people need to ask themselves is what is their relationship with that habit and again, it could be any habit and how is it making them feel?
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: When is it coming up?
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: Why is it coming up?
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: Right Again, you talked about overexercising and you talked about your eating disorder.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: What for you in those relationships your relationship with food or your relationship with exercise how did you know that was something you needed to get tuned up or tuned into alignment?
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: It sounded like obviously, with eating disorder, there was a lot of rules If I do this, then I need to do that.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: If I eat, then I have to do this.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: If I eat more than twice a day, you know like this happened.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: Tell me a little bit about that, because I think that's helpful for people to understand too.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: We've talked about the drinking, but when it comes to exercise or eating, we can definitely be off in our relationship with that easily.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: It's perfectionism.
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: I'm a first born perfectionist and thin.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: To me, growing up was ideal, like the perfect way.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: I was homecoming queen, I was prom queen.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: I happened to be thin at that time so I had to uphold that.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: I took on this like I can't get fat, but I had to be.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: And then soccer I played since I was four.
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: Um, we were state champs back to back in high school.
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: I started uh varsity as a freshman.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: I never came off the field.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: It was my identity and I don't know if at some point I had a lot of other things going.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: Like I said, I was popular in high school.
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: Soccer became my value.
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: I don't know if one day somebody was like Aaron's good at soccer and I was like soccer is my thing.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: It doesn't make sense, but that's why I was thin.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: Soccer.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Equal your worth, equal your physical fitness, equal how you looked, equaled a lot of positive things.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: A lot of positives.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: Until I get it.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: I go to division one, college soccer, and I had never not played, like I'd never not come off the field.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: And so I, I'm a perfectionist, I train, I go in there and win the fitness competition, and then we start and I don't play and I didn't, I didn't know what to do with that I sat on the bench and I'm like I didn't think it was fair.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: So my freshman season, it's like I'm not playing sophomore season.
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: Halfway through this season.
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: I remember we were at Michigan state.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: My mom came to that game.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: I walked her across the field ever after not seeing it and I was like I'm done because in a division one program like you wake up, it's lifting conditioning.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: Then you got to go to school Cause you also are a student job.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: It's a travel.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: You got training and study tables and I was putting so much into it and not seeing the benefits.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: So, me not knowing it was my identity and value yet, and not really therapying this, I quit, like kind of on a whim and leak, I fell into deep depression.
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: I lived in the soccer house and they were like go to an away game and I just sit there and I it's like, if you're not playing soccer, who are you?
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: I couldn't go to the athlete building.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: I had to go work out at the student rec, yeah, and it took a toll.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: So depression with depression came bulimia.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: I initially thought I had put on weight because I was not playing soccer and I quit in the middle of the season cold turkey.
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: So I'll just eat what I want and throw it up and then that's how I'll manage my weight.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: I don't know, Bulimia for me did not work that way.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: I was the heaviest that I ever was when I was bulimic.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: I was puffy and bloated and I had thrown off all my hormones.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: I was a depressed shell of myself because soccer was gone and I existed that way for the rest of college the only thing that I can equate it to.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: As I met my then husband, now husband.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: We're not divorced, we haven't even gotten into that he was in the prime of his career in the NFL and he was shiny and I felt like not enough.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: Like I felt like every time we went to a game there'd be girls waiting in the parking lot and I'd be like, just I had no self-worth and confidence and I wasn't.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: I stopped doing like the behaviors, but I just had no.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: I was like he's going to leave, he wants to be with her, and I got in my head all this like I'm not enough.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: So you met him while you were bulimic.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: I was Okay.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: And did he know?
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: No, well, he knows, he knew before I revealed it in my first book.
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: I talked to him he did not know while it was happening, but it was like I had to control food and I didn't want to get heavy.
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: And when I look back at pictures I was bloated and puffy and doing it to myself.
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: But I was thinking I had to be thin to be worthy of dating him and I just had no self-worth and I I truly.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: The only way I can talk about how I stopped doing it is because I'm such an obsessive personality that I became obsessive about the relationship and I was on message boards.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: There were NFL message boards where women could share stories and I would put his name in every day and I'm like he's cheating on me.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: And I became so obsessive about that that my bulimia kind of fell away.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: I still wasn't.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: I was barely eating.
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: I was over-exercising.
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: I wasn't abusing my body, but the obsession of my relationship was over-exercising.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: I wasn't abusing my body, but the obsession of my relationship it's like I didn't.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: I didn't have time to do my other stuff.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: So when I became obsessed with the relationship, it wasn't like a decision, like I'm going to stop abusing my body.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: It just I didn't have time for that anymore because I had to catch this man cheating.
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: It transitioned, yes, I channeled into a new behavior Also not good for me, but that's the time when I stopped the bulimia.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: But then I lived.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: We dated 10 years before we got married and I lived doing what I thought was the right way restricting and barely eating over exercising.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: I was still 20 pounds heavier.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I would be short with him because I was mad in my body and frustrated because I thought I was doing everything right.
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: And then I finally found the balance of squats and margaritas and lost 25 pounds, finally felt happy in my body because that wasn't looming anymore, wrote my first book like I figured it out I am my best self because you guys, I've been struggling so hard and here's how I did it.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: I want to help the women and I thought I was like writing as my highest self.
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: But then it was like, okay, you're in your ideal body.
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: But then it was like I had more time to like, look at other things and my relationship, or like my.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: I started going back to church Like I just there's always something to work on, right.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: That's all I thought about before.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: I didn't have time to look at anything else, so once that was off.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: I evolved because I had.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Now there was time, I could look at other things.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Because that was finally done, something could be taking up 25% of your time of thought or it could be taking 99% and, like a lot of the things that you were doing, we're taking up large proportions of the thought process and what you should be focused on, right?
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: So I think what's interesting as we evolve and get older, I think we experience life and we learn about ourselves and we also learn around, about the world around us, and we start to hone in on what is important to be focused on.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, earlier in my career was all about kind of like, who can see me, who's going to say I'm worthy enough to get promoted, to get to the next level, and that becomes a cycle At least for me it did in the corporate world Like how do you do more, get experience, do more, get experience, get promoted, have somebody else tell you you're worthy enough to move on, even though you know you're already worthy, like somewhere in there.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Somewhere in my 30s and 40s I got into the cycle of somebody else has to tell me my worth.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: External validation.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah Versus I'm, I'm it.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: You know, like I kind of lost myself somewhere there in the 30s and 40s and then somehow I came roaring at 48 going what is going on?
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: Like why am I looking for somebody else who I don't even respect or admire or even like to tell me that I'm good enough for the next level?
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: It was just such a misalignment and I was so misaligned At that point I was, like you know, toxically burnt out.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: So I think there's always going to be something to work on and there's always going to be someone externally with an opinion.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: So I think those are two knowns for me at this point in my life.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: But regardless of that, you have to choose yourself as you move through it and it doesn't feel like every time you choose yourself like it's the right thing to do, or it's so spot on, like it feels selfish at times, or it could feel like who am I to even think I could do this or whatever, that this is right, but for me it felt selfish.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: So like when you like go through these phases of like figuring it out and going from one thing to the next, of what you can do better, how you can make your life better, some of them being, I would say we're in an unhealthy way, trying to better your life in air quotes.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah you're at this point now where it feels different when we're talking, like about what you're talking about.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: So like when you want to better your life and you want to choose, like let's, you know, relationships, like something that aligned with you you know, you mentioned that you're going through a divorce, which is, I can only imagine, one of the hardest things to go through and when you have little ones, like a feeling, a sense of responsibility to make it work or figure it out.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: This is where, like for me, when I quit my job, like I felt like the most selfish person in the world because I'm the breadwinner, I'm the person that's supposed to be taking care of everyone.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: And who am I to?
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: Like just walk away, going through something like that and you're having that mental like battle, I'll call it.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: How can someone keep going, even though they know it's?
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: If they know, logically, it's the thing they have to do, it's the right thing to do, but everything like emotionally is kind of tugging at them, of like, why didn't you try harder?
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: Or couldn't you do more?
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: Or, you know, why aren't you a better mom?
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: Or why aren't you a better wife?
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: Like, if those things have come up for you, oh yeah.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: Why are you doing this to your kids?
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: Why are you making them go back and forth when they had both parents in the home?
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: This is you're doing.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: This is so selfish relationship is two people like.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: We know that right.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: But like, what do you do to kick yourself out of that?
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: Or to keep going and doing the thing that you know you need to do, even though it might not feel right on certain days?
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be honest.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: I'm not there yet.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: We're full clarity.
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: But you are so right to say that I'm different than even the last time we talked.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: I was questioning so much like is this the right decision?
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: Am I trying hard enough?
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: Have I exhausted all resources?
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: We've been together 19 years.
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: The kids very much put it on me Like can you let daddy come back?
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: They see it as I made daddy leave.
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: I have the guilt of that.
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: I will have professionals come on my show and live coach me and a couple of times in the past couple of weeks it's like be quiet, go within and they'll ask me questions.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: Like you know, it comes out when they're like.
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: But when you're quiet, like, for example, this girl, she calls it a thought onion.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: She was like the superficial thought is I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not trying to keep my, I'm a bad wife and mom, I gave up on the marriage.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: But it's like the authentic thought is I feel like I've abandoned him, like I gave up on the marriage or I've abandoned my family and I'm you know I'm giving up too soon.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: But what we work through is I've abandoned myself.
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: Like me trying to contort myself into this perfect wife and mom to keep the family together.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: I know in my heart and you only know when you get still like anyone listening to this, you know it's like you're trying to like tune out the knowing to like appease everyone else, and rightfully so.
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: You're a mom and a wife and these kids didn't sign up for this and I know that this is not this.
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: It's not in alignment with who I am anymore to stay in this marriage.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: I know that and it's like I always knew.
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: But I was like, but I got to fix it, I got to, I signed up for this, I made vows and you have to just trust and get quiet and the answer is in like you feel it.
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: I know that this is no longer working and how it's been a year and a half.
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: We still haven't finalized it, but it's like how much longer am I willing to try to I don't know prove that my marriage worked or dull myself to appease my partner so that he will be more comfortable?
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: I know that this is not aligned with who I am now and it was when we got married and I love him.
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: But I know, and it took me a year and a half to get here and I get.
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: I'm not like so like 96, four.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: But I'm like, but maybe he can change.
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: And it's like how much longer are you?
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: Both of the people that coach me, they're like when I finally energetically shifted that this is not it, that's when the universe rewarded them.
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: I was with their person.
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: It was like oh, you want someone that does align with you.
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: And I'm not saying like that's the answer, it's find another match.
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: I'm fine by myself, but it's like I am blocking what is for me by not energetically closing this chapter, trying to like jump through hoops to make it work.
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: And once I put out to the universe that this is not for me anymore and kind of shift the energy, then what is for me whether it's a man or I am going to be by myself or an opportunity, will match with me.
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: And I'm not allowing it yet because I'm still in this, even though I know in my soul it's not it.
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: So it's like you just have to go with that and not your head.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: And the guilt cannot be the main reason for staying like without sharing too much, like what I am protecting my kids from.
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: They will understand later.
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: They don't see it now we talked about it as, yeah, we talked about, like, when they're old enough and you can have that conversation, or when they're having their relationships of their own, they'll understand, right, they definitely when they're tiny.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: You don't understand, they just want you to be together.
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: They're mad, they don't understand, they just want you to be together.
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: They're mad, they don't understand.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: Like, why can't you make it work?
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: You know, yes, because life is simpler when you're four and eight.
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: You know, I hope it is a little bit, yeah, yeah, I think the one thing that I think is a bold move, though, certainly is when you figure it out, you actually take action.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: It isn't just like figuring it out and going, oh yeah, but that's gonna suck or that's not gonna be easy, or that's gonna be harder or it's gonna be scary.
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: Like you do it anyway, like you have to do it.
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: Once you know it's time to make that move, and I think that's sometimes the hardest step for people to take.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: But I think if you stayed in this misaligned relationship, the one that you've already identified, isn't actually going to support your next level.
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: You are blocking what's meant for you because it can't get to you.
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: Right and what I got in the first relationship.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: Obviously I attracted that because I was putting out a very different person, like someone that didn't really have a lot of self-worth, and I was projecting exactly what I thought he wanted and we matched.
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: I'm not that anymore, so it's like different now, right?
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: Yes, my energetic vibe is different and again, yes, maybe it matches somebody on this vibe, but it can't be about that either.
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: It's like I have to be content with who I am and I am that.
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: So if somebody matches with who I authentically am perfect, that's like a bonus to my life.
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: But I have to live.
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: I went through all of that to finally get to where I'm at now and be completely comfortable.
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: Lee I, when I was in my twenties and thirties I was so insecure, like a woman walks in, I would have switched places with anyone Like, oh, she has, I would want it to be her.
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: There's no one I would want.
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: I'm so happy finally with who I am and to dull this or live anything other than this, what I finally worked to find in 40 years, would be such a betrayal to all that journey and who I finally become.
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: I have to trust that something else will align with who I am, because this is who I am and it does not align with this relationship.
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: It did.
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: It wasn't a mistake.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: He was part of the journey of me finding this embodied woman that I am today.
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: Obviously, my children came out of it.
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: It wasn't a mistake, but it's no longer aligned and it's sad and I have guilt, but I know like if you're questioning, you know you know the answer.
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: It's like you're just trying to like outwork that, that voice.
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: You're not going to be able to outrun it, right?
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: No, I think yeah, that's what I want people to hear is like, once you figured it out, it's time to take action.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: And I think one important thing you said there which is really important is, if you don't take actions, it's like betraying yourself and all the things that you've learned along the way.
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, yes, I love ending there.
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: So people can take that and really think through some of the things that you know, the hard things that we've talked about, whether it's a habit or relationship that you have with a habit, like what is that all about?
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: And then, once you know, once you've figured it out, you can't quiet the voice because you were going to block what's meant for you.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: That's out there.
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: So think about your signal.
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: Like, when you were talking, I thought about a lighthouse, like what was in your signal Maybe when you were in that relationship with again, we could.
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: It could be a person, it could be a substance, it could be an activity or a habit that you have.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: Like what signal were you putting out then and what signal are you putting out now?
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: And they're most likely very, very different.
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: So most likely, your relationship with that habit or whatever it is that we, you know you want to talk about in your life.
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: It's probably very different, or needs to be different now as well.
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: And I didn't like who I was when I was putting out that.
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: It's like, if you like who you are, that's the energy.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: That's important.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: You should like yourself yeah.
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: So why would I try to go back to, like dull myself down to a version that I'm putting out, an energy that I didn't like?
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: Go when you find who you are, or think back to when did I, when was I so happy and what do I love to do?
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: Go, do that, yeah, like energize and like radiate that energy when you love who you are.
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: Right, yeah, sometimes step to that light.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, you maybe can't do it overnight, but you can definitely take a step toward it and you have to do it, and that's the action and intention part of it.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being on the Bold Lounge.
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: It was so exciting to have you and to talk through and to hear your bold journey, as well as some of the things that you're open and honest and authentic and vulnerable to share with us.
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: So thank you so much.
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: All the information about Erin her show please check it out as well as her books, are below in the episode notes.
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to the Bold Lounge podcast.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: Through the continuum of bold stories vulnerability to taking a leap you will meet more extraordinary people making a positive impact for others through their unique and important story.
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: By highlighting these stories, we hope to inspire others and share the journey of those with a bold mindset.
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: We hope you've enjoyed this podcast and look forward to sharing the next bold journey with you.