Latest / Damaged Goods with Andrea Abbate / 6. My Dad Had a Secret Family w/ Julia Austin

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6. My Dad Had a Secret Family w/ Julia Austin · Damaged Goods with Andrea Abbate

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, I'm I'm a little misogynistic.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Does that mean when you don't like women?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: You look down on them?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I would say that's what that means.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but I think I lit the broader secret.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I am misogynistic.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Heck yeah.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: But let's go back to this.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go back to the secret family because I just heard jacking off on the phone.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: Damage goods.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, welcome to Damage Goods with Andrea Abbott, where we celebrate the dents, the cracks, and the bad decisions that made us who we are.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because guess what?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: No one gets through life in mint condition.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Spoiler alert, we're all gonna die.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And today, so excited.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I have my co-host, Alex Dufont, here with me.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: How are you doing?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing great.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so happy to see you.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Vice versa.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I have one of my uh a comic that I love and admire.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And also as a person, like when when our paths crossed a few times, I was like, I've got to get to know Julia Austin.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: She's so funny and cute.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And we have some of the same uh issues, body dysmorphia and other fun things.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have body dysmorphia.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I do.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: We have a tension on our on our weight.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: We yes, we share uh uh that's true.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: I I I mean I just gotta I have a I have a deal with my husband that neither of us are allowed to get large.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh how and what do you I do I do too?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: What is your what is your out level?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_03: I guess we I mean I think it's like if we get to like 15 pounds above our usual, it's like gotta get pretty serious about oh, walking that back.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: 15 pounds to me is duct tape and you're in the closet.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is what duct tape is for.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: If my husband gained 15 pounds, I'd be like, if if I gained 15, wow, do we sell it with the most important subject?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, this is awesome.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Did I interrupt her?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: No, you did not interrupt me.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is damaged, right?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Damage.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: My mom used to teach me in the morning when I was six.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I would bring her coffee six and seven.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'd bring her coffee, and she purposely had me make it a certain way with sugar and cream, but it had to be piping hot.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And she would purposely take two, three, four sips to scald her tongue.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: So she didn't enjoy her food after that.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: So taste buds couldn't get her.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, okay.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then she taught me how to do that.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I've been dieting since first grade.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Kindergarten, I really wasn't watching my weight.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's fully fucked up.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not gonna lie.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: That's I I have to give my mom credit and none of that stuff.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_03: Well, she's very nurturing and loving and wanting me to wow be uncomfortable about that type of thing.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: But but you still came out with the same issues as I have, which is who do you step on the scale in the morning and at night?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, not every day.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I try to do like once a week.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I'm in there at night and I know exactly how much I weigh, and I know that I'll lose 2.1 pounds in the morning, and then and if it's above a thing, I try to remind myself I could still be happy.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, okay, so what I mean.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: You I'm gonna be honest with you, you have way bigger issues with this than I do.
• 3:04
  unknown: I'm finding it.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: You are looking kind of big, Andrea.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to say I know I'm not because I know exactly how much I weigh to the ounce.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, as long as I'm at 120 or nine, you know, to 118, good to go.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I could even be at 120.9, but then it was 120 with them.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: 120.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're 122.4.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Here we go.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what are you doing?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: What my mom used to measure, guys.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_03: That like that's a marvelous Miss Mazel.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: That's what she would.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_03: Did you ever watch Marvelous Miss?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I I didn't watch it too.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: To measure herself every night, all the measurements with the mom.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_03: No, she would just do or maybe her mom did it too.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think her mom taught it to her, and then like, yeah, she my mom was very into uh the um what's the beauty contest that used to be on TV?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Uh Miss America.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: The Miss America pageant.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then after that, I guess they would uh say the measurements of the people.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how she got to know it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't, I was little, but she was measuring me.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So she would say, let's see how we measure against Miss America.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_03: Now you know that show's getting a lot of backlash years.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: Did you see the trend online where people would like reenact?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_03: Basically, when the show like basically Tyra would like figure out what their this is very apropos for this podcast, Tyra would figure out what their most traumatizing moment was in their life.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: Uh-huh.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: And then she would have them do a photo shoot that was like based on that moment, and people started satirize satirizing in TikTok where they'd be like, Me after telling Tyra my mom killed herself in the bat bathtub with a blow dryer, and it would be them like having to do a photo shoot holding a blow dryer in the bathtub.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I want to do that so bad.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I want to do that so bad.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Alex, I'm sure you can relate to all of this.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: He's just scrolling on his phone.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Oh god, a girl.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, I'm I'm pretty self-conscious about my weight too, honestly.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: So well, how was your mom about weight?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I can my my folks were really mean.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, they were really mean to me growing up about my weight and stuff.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Did they have great figures?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: No, they were fucking fat too.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: I look back and I go that's why they were concerned.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it was concerned, yeah, I guess so.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: A little concerned, but it was also just like mean shit.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_03: Gosh, you guys, your parents were like really mean.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: Your parents were like overtly abusive to you when mine were just like subverts to subtly would it be subvertly?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: Unintended, like you like they didn't know what they were doing.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know what I mean?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, subterfuge a little.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I you know what?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've incorporated like my mom had a lot of nice qualities.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: She was generous and very pretty, and um always wanted to make sure you looked your best.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that is why she wanted me to be thin and also put makeup on me when I was five on, because I was an emissary of her, and so she I had to live up to her standards.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was like her, I was, you know, in in in uh acting terms, I was like her stand-in, but I wasn't her stand-in, but I was kind of like her little sidekick.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to, and I was her offspring.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: So if I looked bad, she would look bad.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So she would not, you know, she would just take her lipstick and rub it into my uh peaks like how I have it on now.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then she would take her mascara, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, honey, and then make sure I was thin.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_03: And uh at the age of five, should be easy enough at the age of five.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: But you never know.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_03: You never know.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: But guess what?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: When I was born, I wish I had a picture.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we can put one in in post.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: We probably can't.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: We had a four really bad editor, a very bad editor, but my nickname, what I on all my pictures, guess what my nickname was, Alex?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Cordita.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_03: We're not Spanish, but yes, but you know, 100% in Southern California.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Fatty.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: F-A-T-T-Y.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Your parents will call you fatty?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Fatty.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, it was written on all the I didn't even know what words were.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was so little, but it was so sad.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's so sad.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: It see, the thing is, is to me, I'm just standing up for them like you guys, it was a dream of endearment, but it was fatty.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't really notice that until I looked through my baby books in college.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why am I called fatty?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And she's look how fat you were.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, that's true.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I could she said, Honey, you were so fat you couldn't crawl.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: You're making me feel so lucky.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_03: I think I should leave.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: I actually think I'm building that's why I'm here.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_03: And I actually don't have any problems I've learned from this exchange.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I'm friends with Andrea.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's been really great, actually.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: To be honest, make sure we look what make sure we look at your uh your childhood and go, you know what?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was fine.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's the main reason.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry to interrupt you.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's the reason I'm here to be inspired by Andrea and shit like that.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: Aww.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: My sister and I exchanged photos like that we find when we were little kids, but with my mom, it was like she's Swedish and she just wanted us to look like little dolls, but in the ridiculous way.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, those dresses that had those like white doily collars.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_03: It looks like we're almost like an Amish cow or something.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: That's what she would put us in, and like, because she's a European, and that's like whereas all of our friends were in normal clothes, like little overalls or whatever.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like stupid.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_03: I also feel like I'm kind of wearing a doily top right now.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, I was gonna mention that.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, you are darling, but anyone, you guys, when I first met Julia, Alex.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: When I first met Julia, I don't know if I should be talking to the camera, you or this blubber.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: You say you say a lot of great things about Julia are common.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I love Julia.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, first of all, I'm I'm a little misogynistic.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is that mean when you don't like women?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: You look down on them?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I would say that's what that is.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that is, I think I live I look broader.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, uh, I am misogynistic.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Heck yeah.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, heck yeah.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, only regarding a few things talent.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, uh I like the way men do things.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: If by calling for a policeman and a girl comes, no, I don't want a girl.
• 8:52
  unknown: Uh uh.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is true.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And guys, feel free to hate me, but I am, I was, I was I've called a lot of cops.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: If they say statistically, I don't know if it still is, that women cops use their gun more than males because they have to resort to that.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Were you gonna have a hundred and eighteen-pound, I'm just guessing, uh coming in to solve the crisis between me and my husband, or be you're gonna you're gonna stop the robber.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: No, you're not.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be a joke.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want a female firefighter.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I do not want a female firefighter, and I often don't want a female comic.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Not that there's not great female comics.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_03: You're not worried about being canceled at all, are you?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I have a big mouth.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just being honest.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just being honest.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're amazing, and I know dozens of great female comics.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: And anybody that's coming on the show is a great female comic.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, there's all the Chelsea handlers and all the uh Whitney Cummings and all these people that are that I admire and look up to.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Are we okay, Joelle?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that I admire and look up to, but I'm just saying statistically, you know, I'm not probably gonna laugh.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: At anyone?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: At uh if you just said, here's 30 field comics.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_03: Um a lot of it is just it's just how math works out.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's it's not that uh it's certainly not that men are funnier than women, it's just that there's way, way, way more male comedians that fem than female comedians.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: So it's like if you like if this if you were to take, I think if you were to take a hundred male comedians and a hundred female comedians that have all been doing this for the exact level of time, same experience.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's anyone's guess, uh like how many from each camp would be hilarious.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_03: It's more just hard to find a hundred female comedians.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe that's it.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe that's it.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's better put.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's better put.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I am misogynistic.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_03: I know that because I was trying to get you off the hook, but you're gonna you want she wants to be on the hook.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: No, she wants to be hooked.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, look, little Logan wrote to me, but I shouldn't be looking at my text.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: But what I want to say is even when I play this game on my phone and it and uh Rummy Cub, shout out, and some people say Rummy Cube, but it's so addicting and I love it.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: But even when they give me little players to practice with, like I'm down here, Andrea, and then they show you're playing against Patty, and I'm like, Isn't that terrible?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm admitting it.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm admitting Do you have a lot of female friends?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, I do.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: I do you just think that they're morons?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: They're honest.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm joking with you.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: No, I have that you think that they're morons.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's no, not morons.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: They're not, no, but I'm just saying, I don't know what it's it's just like I think my parents were fine, but you're saying, oh my god, my child, you know, I'm like, yes, of course your mom measures your thighs if she loves you.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you wear makeup.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I get and I'm thinking you didn't wear makeup.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: I feel you, I don't know if your mom really cared about you.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: You you absorb these things as the correct way.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Look how much makeup I'm wearing compared to you.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_03: I know I was just playing in the mud and no makeup.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: No makeup.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: I was eating the mud.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Where did you grow up, Julia?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: Santa Barbara.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that's pretty cool.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: It is very nice, yeah.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you were with your mom and your dad and your sister.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And how would you rate your childhood if you were gonna give it a Yelp review?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: How many stars?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: What do they do?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: What do they do on Yelp?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_03: Up to five, up to four?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Five.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Five to five.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's five, yeah, five star.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: Childhood, like truly childhood, up until like 14.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_03: I I I'd have to give it a I'd have to give it a five.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_03: But it's but it's also interesting, it's kind of like but now that I know and understand more of what was going on behind closed doors, or even things that were going on actually in front of me that I didn't understand at the time, it's like I don't even know how to rate it.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: It's almost like when you go to a restaurant that's like fantastic, yeah, but then you find out that like behind closed doors they're abusive to the staff, or there's rats in the kids.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: At the end of the day, like your experience of it at the time was oh, this is fantastic.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: It's cute, the food's good, whatever.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: But then you learn things and you're like, now I don't know what to say.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: So why did you do the cutoff at 14?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: What happened when you were 14?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something there?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: Uh well, so through 14, I would say it's five, is was fine.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_03: 15 was when I caught my dad cheating.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, with who?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: With who?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_03: With uh I mean, with an with an a person, not a relative.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, not yeah, yeah.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: Not anyone I knew.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: Oh just uh a lady a lady, yes, yes.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, yes, okay.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh how did tell me about that?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: How did you catch him?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Where were you?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: What happened?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's so cool.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so it's so cool.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's interesting.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_03: Um I this is all I did like a little mini special where I taped this and I talk about it too.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_03: It's online, but um um I just literally stopped by his office.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and it was I over he didn't know I was stopping by, and I overheard him having phone sex.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Having phone sex?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And was his dick out?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't know.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you don't know because you're just going.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: I was like about to go in, and then I like I heard him on a phone call.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_03: So you're like he's on a business call, I better wait.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, oh, listen in to see when he's done if this is an important call, if I shouldn't interrupt it, and then it was like a whole different type of call.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, and what did you do with that information?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder what I would do with that.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I confronted him right then and there, like maybe seven years later.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: Any any day now.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_03: Uh no, like uh a week later, five days later, ten days later, somewhere in that bulb.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: I don't remember now.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: You told your sister.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: I told my sister, yes.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: And she like first off, was she your go-to?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, guess what happened?
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_03: I don't remember at what point.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, it was like this is the order of operations.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'll go through it fast just because like people can see the whole story if they want to.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: They can and they should.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's on my YouTube.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's literally just called My Dad Had a Secret Family.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Secret whole family.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, don't go fast.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is very interesting.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's very interesting.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I'll try to get so I confronted him.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_03: He admitted it.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_03: He told me that if I told my mom that I would be responsible for ruining the family.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh, dad.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_03: Then he tried to bribe me and pay me off to not tell her.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: What did he offer you?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: He said, Whatever you want, tell me what it would take.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And did you and and you No, I don't, yeah, no, I didn't take him up on it.
• 15:45
  unknown: Wow.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: What does a 14-year-old say to you?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: Because you're like your brain wouldn't even write.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_03: I don't even know.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: Like, if it was today, I wouldn't take them up on it.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_03: But if I was really pricing what would be appropriate, I'd be like half a million dollars.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because you know what money is.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: Half a million?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's a good idea.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: As a 14-year-old, you're like a hundred dollars.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to give a shout out to myself because my dad had a little cheating thing with me, right?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: When I was young.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, so you know, at the time, he wasn't asking for me to be quiet about it because the cat was out of the bag.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: But he was saying, what can I, what can I do basically pay you to make this better?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, I want a horse.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_03: See, yeah, because we don't know.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_03: We don't, we we don't know the opportunity in front of us.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, but I still, I mean, I I what I'm saying, I'm not saying I could have asked for more.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I felt that was plenty good for me, but what I'm saying is I was bought.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to be I of course I got the horse and riding lessons four days a week, and it was a gorgeous horse and all the tack, the saddle and everything.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I didn't say, oh no, you can't get me anything.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I want a horse, and his name is da-da-da, and his name is Diamonds Lad.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Diamonds Lad, he was such a good horse, and uh blah, blah, blah.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that would make it that's was part of his apology.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: And do you think I was bribed?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you what do you Alexander?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he wasn't bribed.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my mom had found out.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: My mom had found out, like I had already been shipped out of the bag.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: And yeah, I'm like five out of five stars from my childhood.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: Never mind.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: Six out of five.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like Do you remember what I said our first episode?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: I said the same thing.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: I said the exact same thing.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, but anyway, I did get a horse.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: The point is, I got a horse, you guys.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: I had a horse that's what she's trying to say is you have integrity.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's why that's what I'm saying.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm saying.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_03: Boy, way too much to unpack there.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_03: She because she didn't even have a choice in her situation.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: She was being, I was just no, it, yeah.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: I did not have a choice, but my dad did ask me, can you forgive me?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: And did you forgive him ever?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was just I was moling it over at the time because my dad was so scary, he was really big, and he would always uh he's six four and smoke marble reds.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't have any other kind of marbles, but anyway, marbles, and he would always have like one foot on the bed or something, and then you know, he's looking down at very Clint Eastwoody.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know what?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: So are you gonna forgive me?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, like, I'm afraid of you.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I thought, you know, uh, because we were raised Catholic and I went to Catholic school every day, and you know, and I thought, well, you know, Jesus would forgive him.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then I thought, but you know, Mary, of course, would forgive him, but I'm like, thanks to dad, I can't even, I'm not a virgin anymore.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: So how am I?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: So I was like, rest your fans know about this whole thing that like they're uh I don't know.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: This is the first time that they're learning this.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, episode three is about to drop, and we talked about that episode.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Already all this, see, I don't remember anything.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in a blackout of life.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: I can't help but feel like as a storyteller myself, I'm like, do we need to fill in and give them more context of what's coming?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, so this already been.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: So let's not even talk about it.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, keep talking about it.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, this is your story.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, I've got a lot in my story, but anyway, blah, blah, blah.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: The point is, is I was really uh thinking about can I forgive and forget?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: That though, you know, that's the saying.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I decided I could forgive and remember.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: And he explained to me that he was blackout drunk.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: Forgive and remember, yeah.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I think I'm blackout drunk.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm blackout not drunk.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even remember what you're like saying, what did we say last uh week?
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but um I didn't even know understand that that well, but I did know that he was sincerely apologetic.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: And my dad had never my dad was a spank now, ask questions later.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he was really, he had been in the war, he was kind of on the mean side.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: He very said very few words.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like he would be driving home when we park in the car park, he would say, disembark.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's like my dad.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Very aye aye, sir, you know, like, yes, sir.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: So he was a man of few words.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: So him saying all these words to me, including can you forgive me, was really like if you're standing in front of the TV and he's watching the TV and you walked by, move you know, if you're in the room and he's trying to lay down, get that's the type of word amounts I was used for my dad.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: If I'd have my napkin on my lap at dinner, yep, that is a faux pas.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: He wouldn't say, put your napkin on.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: He'd take a meatball and pelt you in the and then you'd be like, and if you had your napkin on, that wouldn't have happened.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: So he was a guy who was kind of mean and and not very verbal.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so he let his eyes do the talking, you know.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: His eyes were always there's smoke of the Marble coming up, and he's just looking at you like you make me fucking sick.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: That was his vibe.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that he was being so nice to me and essay, can I forgive him and explaining what blackout is and all that, it was really impressive.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, wow, I'm not a person you apologize to.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: This man doesn't apologize to anyone, and he definitely doesn't apologize to me.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it was it was all pretty much of a heady moment for me, and then I got a horse.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know what I'm saying.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: I forgave him.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I forgave him, and I had our relationship got better after that.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Even when I went to college, he said to me another like two sentences, which was a lot.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: My dad did not speak to me.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: He said, You got a good head on your shoulders.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody asks you to do something, sleep on it, and if it seems like it's a good idea the next day.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do it because you got a good head on your shoulders.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: There was like four lines, and I was just like, oh my God, he really thinks a lot of me.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I took those few conversations, those were our two biggest conversations, and I've held them dear and near to my heart.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: I made a lot of bad decisions, as it turns out, and I didn't have a good head on my shoulders, but he thought I did.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: He thought I did.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, shout out to Dad.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: He died.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Uh he's dead.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: They're all dead.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's dead.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: But um, and he got murdered.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: So we kind of got karma, you know.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: I remember you told me he got murdered, yeah.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, but he had his good points, and he was very uh patriotic, which which was a good thing back then.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: He was very patriotic, and uh he put food on the table, bought me a horse.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right, and he was a rapist, and he had some blackout drug, he was an alcoholic and had made some.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_03: You're not gonna say that your dad is a fucking monster.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm gonna say no, no, no, I don't think he was a monster.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: I think he had a temper problem and a little bit of a sex problem that was a little, a little bit, a little bit of a sex problem.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_03: He was made some bad decisions.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_03: That's a little bit of a sex problem.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, people that have alcohol and drug problems do bad things anyway.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, maybe he maybe you would call him that.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: I would call him a complicated individual.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: He was complicated.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: I don't I wouldn't normally shit on someone's parent if they're not comfortable shitting on them themselves.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: But in this case, I'm going for it.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: Of course not.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: You and you too, Alex.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: You Yeah, your dad's a fucking devil incarnate.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: Well, you know, I feel like that I don't I I feel like some people their issue is that they need to forgive their parent.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_03: I think you need to condemn your parent.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: I actually feel like that's the direction you need to.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: You're right, you're right about this.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: But one of the themes of this podcast, at least when I pitched her to do this thing, is like been through awful stuff, stays positives, finds gratitude in places where I can never find gratitude, and how it leads to results as far as like professional family success.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so this thinking of hers, obviously finding positives in an awful situation, seems extreme for like normies like us.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_03: But this is a little fine.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_03: I apologize.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I'm a normie, I'm a normie.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: So it seems crazy for you to be like, well, you know, he had these issues and he had his own trauma, but this thinking keeps you positive, yes, and it keeps you getting results professionally and also personally with your own family.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: So in some sick way, it does like like keep your mind right.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know what I mean.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I'm happy about that.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, okay.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_03: Here's the thing, first of all, if you you have a killer life, you have a lot of money, you are very funny, you seem to be enjoying yourself.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: I am I'm not gonna tinker with what's working.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but you're 120 pounds.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_03: And you're 120, 119.25 pounds, possibly.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_03: But there is such thing, like there is such a thing as being positive about life in general, yeah, while you you can be also honest about things that were bad.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_03: That doesn't have to mean that you're incapable of being positive about life.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's true.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: Those two don't go hand in hand.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing is if I'm gonna hold up his bad things, let's say there are 10 bad things, and look at him through that spectrum, uh, you know, there were 50 good things too.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, he was a hard worker, he he uh provided for us, he lasted in the marriage a certain amount.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: He apologized to me.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_03: Lasted in a marriage.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so but but like I'm so over people being proud of like 30 years of an abusive situation that we've been together for 40 years.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, okay, you guys fucking hate each other, and you're in a state of arrested ability.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm just enabling each other.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_03: Like you like, actually, I'm I'm actually unimpressed.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_03: But wait, I want to say more good things about him.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: Gave me some good genes, no cancer in our family, no nothing like that, and also made me very disciplined.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: And also, because of my dad, I got to live with a wonderful black family for a while when I was taken out of the house.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I would not have that experience, which makes me very uh strongly connected with black people, which I probably wouldn't be if it wasn't for my dad.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm just trying to find the silver linings.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_03: I get what you're saying.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, like totally, but he shouldn't get credit for that.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_03: That's what that's sort of what my takeaway is, is that is it like I also would say that everything that I love about my life, my favorite things about my life and about me are a direct result of the bad things that have happened to me.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: But I'm also not gonna hand a trophy to the people that did those things.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I'm not giving them a trophy as I did those things.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I'm saying?
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: I like I like this conversation a lot.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm glad Julia's uh challenging you a little bit here.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, because you think I'm too positive?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: No, I think I think the positivity is is a form of you know self-preservation, and if you go through something awful, you need to look at the positives.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_03: Like the things that you're telling me about your dad, some of them are just the bare minimum, like putting food on the table.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_03: So you know if he didn't, you would have been taken by a child protective service.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_03: It's the fucking law that he put food on the table.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, you know, and in terms of like uh uh yeah, like you were taken away to live with some family that I guess was nice for you.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_03: So, but that's a result of him doing something bad, I imagine, dropping the ball or something.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: I know, but let's just I'm gonna put it in another context.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say this because there was a famous black attorney that I have failed to look up each time I've read.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: The movie was Just Mercy.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: That was the movie Just Mercy.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just Mercy.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that was a movie made about this amazing attorney.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: And he went to Death Row and he worked it and gave it his all, um, helping people who were on death row look at their cases, see if he could uh get them uh exonified, or just be a person for them.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: And he said this quote that I've quoted before a person is more than the worst thing that they've ever done.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: So let's just look at forget my dad.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say my dad is in prison for murder, but he did this, this, this, this, this good.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just say Joe, not even my dad, this guy Joe is in prison for murder, but he did all these other good things.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think you should throw the baby out with the bathwater.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think you just, oh, he's a murderer.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like that old joke, you know, you fuck one goat and now you're the Billy the goat fucker, right?
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: You could do, you know that joke.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_03: I get what you're saying.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, okay.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_03: But I'm not saying that he is just the bad things, but I'm saying the good that you've taken in your life, you're giving him credit for as if he that was his intention.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_03: It's only good because of who you are and what you've turned into.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: It is good because I recognize the good that came from it.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: I I I didn't make it good.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: I just recognized later on the good that came from it.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I'm not gonna thank my I'm not going I even had a joke about this.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_03: I remember it one point.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: What is it?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_03: Like I it was a long it was a long time ago.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_03: It was something about like I told my dad, like because of your relationship with with the other woman, not with my mom, but with the other woman he went on to be with, I really learned to identify extremely toxic dynamics and something I would never want to be involved in.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_03: Ah, and it learned from his mistake.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and he said something like, Well, you're welcome.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, I'm not fucking thanking you.
• 29:36
  unknown: Like, you know what I mean?
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, to be clear.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: But let's go back to this.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go back to the secret family because I just heard jacking off on the phone, phone sex.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: Do you remember what he was saying to her?
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, and no, I don't even think it was anything particularly graphic.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_03: I think just like somehow in my young brain, I understood from like the tone of voice and like that, it was like erotic.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was erotic, yeah.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you confronted him and you said, I heard you have phone sex, and then he said, Oh, yeah, that's a lady that I like.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: What did he say?
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: When you said he admitted it.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_03: Uh he was like, he, I'm and I I tell I this is another thing that I'm grateful for.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_03: I tell my husband, my husband always says to me, like, you're one of the most emotionally regulated people I know.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and I'm like, it's because she has a comic husband, a really darling, funny comic husband, the cutest couple.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_03: What is his name, Nick?
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_03: Nick, Nick Tarvella, yeah.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: And but you guys have different, yeah, Nick Tarvella.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: Never say his last name right.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_03: Legally, I have his last name, but I just kept my stage made a name for stage software.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, it's so good.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_03: All right, so oh, so I say to him, like, oh, I'm emotionally regulated because I think I had like this total nervous system like reset happen in this moment.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_03: Like, it's kind of like this a lot of us spend a lot of our lives worrying about something.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_03: Something bad happening.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_03: And like, if the worst thing in a certain situation just does happen and you're just like still alive after, yeah, you survived it.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_03: You're kind of like, I guess there's nothing to worry about.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_03: So, in terms of like um difficult, uh like I I have like no anxiety.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_03: I I I basically do your death anxiety.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_03: Because like I confronted him, and I'll tell people in that moment, I now understand my body experienced like what felt like the maximum, I blew my entire anxiety load right in one minute.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, like for my lifetime, yeah, like just being 15 and confronting him.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh like it may not sound like much to people now, but when you're only 15 years old and you like, and this is the person that you used to think was like your moral and ethical guide in life.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: And you're also And did he ever beat you?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no, and also like like everything, and then like understanding like, oh my god, what is this gonna mean for my mom?
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_03: What's this gonna mean for our family?
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what happened?
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: You tell me the rest of the story, please.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, so he said, I yeah, I'm right.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, yeah, you have to understand this was 10 years ago.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_03: 22 years ago, yeah, yeah, 10 years ago.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_03: 22 years ago.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_03: So I don't remember everything now, but I remember he got like it was all like I saw this like crack in him where it was like a Jekyll and Hyde moment where I had only ever seen him as like very jovial and like very calm.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_03: And this like rage came out of him, like he was like possessed by a demon.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_03: And he like really, really lost, like he didn't lay a hand on me or anything, but he like lost it and started like yelling about like how this is none of your business.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_03: And you do you want to ruin our family?
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_03: Do you want to do this to your mom?
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_03: If you tell you know like it's all your swooping around, you shouldn't even be listening on my phone, like some like things like that.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Targeting you for all of his guilt and awfulness he feels.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so then you just stood there and he said, I want to pay you off.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_03: To some degree, I uh yeah, and I said, No, like what that wasn't that day.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_03: That day I just told him, Tell mom or I'm telling her.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_03: I tried to force him to do the right thing.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Tell mom or I'm gonna tell her.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't know, and then the conversation ended, and I waited a little bit.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'll go back to my room, and and then at some sometime over the next week or two weeks, this whole time, I'm just like having dinner with him and my mom every night being like, Is you gonna fucking say something?
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you're you're knowing you'll know.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: You'll know because she'll be crumbling.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_03: Is it okay?
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_03: I've been swearing on this.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you're gonna be.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's totally fine.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: Is swearing okay?
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_03: Andrea Andrea, sorry, Andrea's like, my dad raped me, and I'm like, Can I swear?
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_03: Would that be over the line on this podcast?
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: Damn it.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: If I said shit, is that gonna ruin?
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: But wait a minute.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're at the dinner table, it's just you and your sister, you're the only kids.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_03: My sister had moved out at this time.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, because she's older.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_03: She was two and a half years older, and she was like, she was going to community college, so she was in town, but not right.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_03: But she was like living with her boyfriend or something.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_03: Like she wasn't so.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: But did you have any um like should I be forcing him to say it?
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: Will it wreck the marriage?
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_03: No, I I was unstoppable.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, she will know.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_03: There was like there was some I don't know what this was in me.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I I don't know if this was my character that I was born with, or if it was just an indignified teenager or whatever, you know, like as a teen, you're like obsessed with like justice and stuff.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but I I would I would not I would not stop until she till she knew.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_03: Like this had to come to light.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and so what happened then?
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: You're eating dinner for a week and nothing, you don't see any.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_03: At one point he tried to bribe me and I said no, and then finally I just blurted it out at dinner.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: You said it in front of everybody.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's some balls.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: You could be a policeman coming to my door.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: See, this is why I like her so funny, but that's ballsy, Julia.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_03: I think well-adjusted people are usually the people that have been through the most.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_03: And and responded to it in a productive way.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_03: And like I also like, I think there can be, I think there's three groups of people.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_03: People that have been fortunate to not be through much.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's my husband.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_03: Been through nothing.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_03: Sheltered life.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_03: Um, then you have people that have been through a lot, and unfortunately, yeah.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_03: You you can swink, sink or swim, and they sunk.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_03: You know, things like didn't go well for them as a response.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_03: And then you have the people who like, I don't know if you've heard of the term post-traumatic growth syndrome.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wow, that's pretty cool.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: Which is no, I never heard of that.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_03: That you develop like cognitive skills and like strengths that in a response as a response to literally like okay, well, I'm never gonna do that and I'm gonna do this.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_03: I think those are the best adjusted people of the three groups I just talked about.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, better adjusted than anybody ever could be who never went through adversity.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: I uh 100% agree with that.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm the best adjusted, we're the best adjusted people, you and I.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_03: I I guess so.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: In your in your thing, we have post-traumatic growth disorder.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, not syndrome.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: She can't even post-traumatic growth syndrome.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: Syndrome sounds weird too.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, we maybe this maybe the word lemonade, basically growth.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: We had lemons and we made lemonade.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I like that.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like psychology terms either.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_03: Our lemonade will be better than anyone who's spiked.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't yeah, that's kind of a little spiked.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you blurted out at the table, mom, dad's having an affair.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then what does she do?
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: What happens?
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_03: He denied it and she she believed him.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: He denied it.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: And she believed him.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: And now what?
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_03: And this is all in standards.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_03: And this is all in the stand-up special, too.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_03: So like I feel if people go watch it, they'll see it's like well, they'll see the funny.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like, yeah, like me adding the punchlines.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_03: What's the word punchlines to each thing?
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_03: But um, and this, it was after that that I then told my sister.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_03: I hadn't told my sister for a while, because like I don't know why.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_03: Because on the one hand, I knew that my plan was just for all to come out.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_03: So why am I keeping it from her?
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_03: But on the other hand, like, I don't know, there was some part of me that wanted to protect her from the information.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_03: I guess yeah, you don't want to spread bad news.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but at this point, I didn't want to be alone with this.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_03: So I did tell her, and she believed me immediately, right?
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_03: Which is interesting because you almost feel like was there stuff that she detected about him earlier, her being a little bit older than me, because like she accepted it like that.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_03: Like that.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like that makes total sense.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: But your mom's in denial because her whole life's gonna come apart.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: Totally, yeah.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: So she how long does she believe him for?
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_03: I I don't remember timelines, but it wasn't very long.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_03: That basically my sister and I decided to spy on my dad and catch him again.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: God, wow, this just takes twists and turns.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: So your mom's in just like Julia, stop making shit up about dad.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_03: I don't remember what she said to me.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, that's pretty.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_03: I think she well, like, I mean, I know a lot more now, and I know that she did know I was telling the truth, but she didn't want to accept it at the time.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_03: Because it turns out he had cheated on her even before, and she had caught him as well.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_03: Like, these are girls.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_03: When are we gonna learn this?
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_00: If they cheat, they're gonna cheat.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that's how you do it.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna, if somebody's taking drugs and they say I'm gonna stop for you, no, they're not, they're not stopping.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_00: Unless they go to a program and commit and they want to do it for themselves.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: If someone's alcoholic, they're not stopping.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_03: I don't think that's it.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: Even then, it's not at all.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's like 20% make it.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_03: It's also like I always tell people, like, and well, they'll tell when you're in those programs, they'll say you can't date for at least a year while you're in this program because it's you can't handle like the pressure making a big decision of a relation to a bird, like a new relationship while you're trying to do that.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, we digress, but um isn't she so fun?
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: She's so fun.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: I just love her.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: We went out to lunch once as friends, it was very nice.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it was so cute as friends, as opposed to as well as opposed to doing this, yeah.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, all right.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: So now you spy with your sister and you catch your dad again.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're just like tracking him, and um and he's like an unlicensed detective.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, okay.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: Were you smoking at the time?
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_03: My joke in the stand-up special is that it was the most fucked up adventures of Mary Kay and Ashley.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yes, of course.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's like Nancy Drew, but you're spying on your dad.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_03: So just these cute little just a cute bonding activity amongst sisters where you spy on your cheating dad.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_03: And where did you find him?
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_03: How did where did he so mess up?
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_03: It was that he uh said he was on a business trip out of town, out of out of state, even.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_03: He was real sloppy, and then instead, my sister's boyfriend at the time spotted him at a gas station in town with the other woman.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_03: And he called my sister and you guys raced over there?
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I don't I don't think he just uh I I called my dad and I demanded the name of the hotel he was staying at out of town for business, and he got very, very mad, of course.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_03: Like, stop it, just just drop it, just drop it.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, just try and I demanded, I demanded, and for some reason he finally blurted out a name of a hotel.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_03: And I called that hotel and I asked if if this I won't say his name, but if he had was staying there and they said there's no one, there's no one staying here with that name.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_00: So then with that information, armed with that.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_03: Then my sister and I went to my mom again together this time, and we're like, this is what has happened.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_00: And my boyfriend just saw them at the gas station.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_03: She says, Yeah, and I called a hotel and now your mom's like what crying?
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, totally I mean, total, yeah, totally fell apart.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_03: And she fell apart so quickly that like looking back, I'm like, she I mean, now I know that she always knew that it was true, but because it was almost like like it was almost more of a defeat on her end that she couldn't live in the denial anymore.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, like we were not allowing her to live in it.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, and so but then I mean, go keep going.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: So then your dad comes back, and what?
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, I mean Do they live together still?
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: Did she stay?
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: Did they stay married?
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: They tried to make it work.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_03: Oh uh mom never learns, but he never, but he still, but then it turned out that he was still talking to the other woman.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, because he's like he so it's funny, like I people uh when I say that you know that things didn't turn out like well with me and my dad, it's not because he had an affair.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_03: Like I was actually willing to forgive the affair, I was actually even willing to try to have a relationship with the other woman.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_03: In my adulthood, at some point, I was like, fuck it, it's a modern day blended families, let's whatever.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_03: Because he stayed with that other woman and he left your mom.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, I'll guess I'll try to meet her and her kids, you know.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_03: Like that wasn't the problem.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_03: That wasn't the problem.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_03: There's things do, I mean, you know, like that could be one, but that that you that happens sometimes.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_03: People, it's it's not great, it's a lapse, it's not the best way to do things.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_03: People do realize they're married to the wrong person and genuinely in love with someone else.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_03: And unfortunately, they don't take the proper steps of first divorce.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_03: And they just lie their way through life.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, so you know, like that happens, but it wasn't it wasn't that with my dad.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_03: My dad was a love and sex addict.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, this woman was one of many.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_03: He sounds way worse than my dad.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_00: I always want to go on record.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_00: This sounds bad to me.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: To me, this sounds bad.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just like my situation, I was telling you, this sounds really bad.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, wait, your mom says, I still want to work it out with him, even though he's lying and cheating on me and cheated before.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, that you know how many years eventually?
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_03: I think maybe not even for one year.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_03: They like did therapy and tried to therapy, but then he then she found out that he was still meeting up with the other woman, and that's when she was like, Okay, we gotta go.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_03: You're not taking this like seriously, obviously.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and so what was the straw that broke you as a camel, your back with your dad?
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: If it's not all this, you said that's not the problem, that's not the problem.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I see, and I don't see it's like the problem.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_03: It's more like my dad and I had a functioning relationship until you know he's dead as well.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I didn't know.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_03: I forgot.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_03: I forgot he's dead.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_03: I think I yeah, yeah, no, no worries.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_03: Um it's it's more that uh he he was he was he was an addict, he was a relationship like love and sex addict, you know, like and like any addict, the thing they're addicted to will always take precedent over everything else, yeah.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_03: And it made him a father that I couldn't rely on, where it was like typical addict behavior where there would be a lot of lying to us.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_03: Right, or just a lot of lying, yeah, like about he was his relationship was like very toxic and very controlling, and he was the one, but like you know, and he allowed it to like because he was addicted to it, and for that it was like a lot of lying to us, a lot of breaking promises to us, a lot of so you finally borrowed money from us and not paying him back when he said he was full on like addict behavior.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I'm saying?
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_01: You're defending your father, this is what you get the whole story of defending your own father.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: Another family.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: She loves money so much.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Now that is a monster.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now my dad never borrowed a dime.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I draw the line.
• 44:08
  unknown: Oh my god.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_00: He bought me a horse, guys.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget.
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's what she gets from Julia's story.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_01: Just like my dad was great.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, but why was your dad borrowing money from you?
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because he lost his job due to the No, that's like a whole other thing.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_03: He's just one of those people that that flew too close to the sun with finances.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_03: Where like he was just like a wheeler and dealer, where it would be like, and a lot of it was also the the lifestyle that his partner demanded of him was like she wanted this lifestyle.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_03: And it would like he'd have to like he'd have to like borrow half a million dollars from over here.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_03: This crazy rate, but like, but he don't you know he would just do a lot of weird things with money where he'd be like, I have a credit card bill and it's interest is about to go up.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_03: And if you can just lend me$20,000, I can pay that.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's how much he was borrowing from you?
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: $20,000, not like$10.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: $20,000.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_00: Did you lend him from my sister?
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: Did you lend him$20,000?
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_00: Five out of five.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_00: But um I wasn't a child.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_03: I wasn't a child at that point.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: But did you get paid back?
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_03: When he died, but uh no, but he in real life.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_03: Before a long, long like it was many times where I was like, you that you said you'd pay me back on this date, and then he couldn't, and then like that would happen like for another six months, another nine months, and then like it was like it was like six years after the original date we agreed on, or whatever.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty bad.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: No, Alex, have your parents borrowed money from you?
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, they've never borrowed not that kind of money to be honest.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_00: Does your dad have a secret family?
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_01: No, he doesn't have the social skills to have a secret family.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_00: He's not a he wouldn't be a good liar, like Julia's dad.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_03: You just seem like a lot if you just if you should have a show of money, there are women that'll definitely participate.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's true, that's true.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: But see, again, I don't want to throw women under the bus like that.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_03: But on all Andrea, don't fuck me now.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_01: After everything was on the top.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying, my dad seems when I listen to your story, I'm like, my dad was like an angel.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_03: Like it's all perspective.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't it perspective, isn't it perspective?
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_00: Did your mom remarry and get was somebody good?
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: My mom is remarried, yeah, and she has a good marriage.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like what you're gonna say, my mom did remarry, but I don't know if it's someone good, but she did remarry somebody good for her.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_03: She got somebody, yeah, she got somebody, and that your dad kind of got his come up and say did he pay your sister back or he used her money and also yes, but with all of us, it would always be like oh, like it would be it was a it was like a it was it we became people where I like, do I need someone that's gonna go break his knees?
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_03: Because it's like we're now we're a year past the pay date, we're 18 months past the pay date.
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, oh my god.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_00: So his abuse went on.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want to I want to say one good thing about my dad, okay?
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_00: Just so since I, you know, this is a thing.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_00: He did not continue to do bad things when I came home.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_00: I lived with a black family for a while.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_00: When I came home, uh my mom brought me home.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to come home, but she said if I don't get in the car and confront my dad, I was gonna be a lesbian.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't even know what a lesbian was.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was 11 at the time.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, she she said it in a very mean way.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, a lesbian, it sounded like a monster.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't want to be that.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_00: So then I got in the car and I left Pearls, and um I was really nervous coming home.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, my mom said she had got uh fixed up the room of a new bed, new carpeting, and like like that was not ever the problem.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't decor that I was missing.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but anyway, so uh, and my mom had taken it upon herself to become a huge victim of this.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_00: And looking back now, I have more perspective for her.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_00: But at the time, my mom always uh twisted things to make everything about her.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_00: So she was like, you know, crying as she's driving home that she hoped when I grew up I would never marry a man who would have uh sex with their daughter, your daughter, because I don't want you to know the kind of pain I'm in.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, yes.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_03: She though she's she's definitely the one who has suffered that most.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_00: She's but but but looking back now as an adult, that is a whole different kind of pain if you found out that your husband is sleeping with a young child, whether it's your child or not.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_00: That is a whole different kind of pain.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I understand that it was painful for her, but she just didn't have any empathy.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, when I did get back and he did apologize and offered to buy me a horse, never again did anything happen to me.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_00: I witnessed some bad things he was doing to other people in the family, not sexual, just hitting and stuff.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_00: But our relationship was pretty good, and he never borrowed money and he never tried to have sex with me again.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: So mine was kind of one and done, or like a year and done.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then on we go.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I gotta say, it's like do you want to just get like punched out one time and you go a little unconscious, but then you make it through, or do you want paper cuts throughout your life of and then can you borrow money and then can you do this?
• 49:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then I feel like yours is a harder road.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_03: No, I I do know what you I know what you were saying, yes, but I also I struggle to believe that you and your dad were like ever best friends.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, we hardly spoke.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but that was okay.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he's not a speaker, he's not a person that talks, he doesn't talk, so it's hard.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_00: Then he married a girl that was a little younger than me and uh went on to, you know, die very quickly.
• 49:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, so you know, when he was uh the paper said 50, but it was a few days before his birth, so it was actually 49, but 49 or 50, you know, by the time I was in my 20s, he was gone.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, anyway, I think my dad, if we're gonna win for like worse dad, I would like to say, I think your dad is.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_03: Definitely yours still for sure.
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_01: By a lot, desperately trying to defend her dad.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what?
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_01: I did not expect this to happen.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, it just goes to show that when you're damaged, and I believe what you said.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they did this, uh they did a this was in a book I read called The Way We Weren't.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it had a lot of uh long history of psychology experiments that long that were long, and they do a lot of those in England.
• 50:47
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, I don't have a high opinion of psychologists, but I thought this was fascinating because they admitted the truth, and they said they studied 50 children from children to adults, like into you know, to their 40s, like a 40-year study or 35-year study, and that they were wrong the majority of time in predicting how well a person would be based on their lack of trauma as a child.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_00: So they didn't say trauma, they said diversity.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_00: The kids that have been through a lot of diverse situations and a lot of diversity, they predicted, because they would all do predictions at like age 12, how that child's gonna do.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_00: And because they leaned into the more protected, the more uh, you know, less less uh traumatic childhood you have, you would do better.
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why their predictions were so bad, because actually they realized and they put in the study that people who have been through drama and damage and can grow from it, they basically came to the the conclusion that they all thought that the children with uh the best childhood and no problems would fare well in life.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what they came to see after 40 years, and was a very truthful and very uh interesting study, is that the ones who had been through a lot were better prepared for the adversity in life.
• 52:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and that's you.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_03: That doesn't surprise me one bit.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, we are out of time, Julia.
• 52:21
  SPEAKER_00: Tell people where they can find you, where to be found, and your socials so people can follow you.
• 52:27
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you so much for being a guest.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_00: You are a doll, and I love you always.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_00: And we should go to lunch again.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_00: I would love that.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_00: And have our as friends this time.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_03: As friends.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_03: Well, we were friends before.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_00: We were friends and we were all I like to go as adversaries this time.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, okay.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_00: This time we'll go as adversaries.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but where can people find you?
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_03: Um, if they want to look me up on YouTube at Julia Austin Comedy, they can find that special there.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, fantastic.
• 52:50
  SPEAKER_00: And can you tell your Instagram and TikTok handles as well?
• 52:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, but they're all different because I'm an idiot.
• 52:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_00: All right, but we'll we'll put them under.
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_00: Won't we put them under the special?
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_00: Under our we'll put them the transcript.
• 53:02
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, and what is your and then Instagram is Julia Austin Was Taken.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_00: Ah.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_03: And then TikTok is J Austin327.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_03: See, they're all just and the other thing is people need to know is like, you know, I do a niche, like pretty much all my content is about being a child free myself.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I know, and it's very funny.
• 53:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's like a whole niche.
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_00: So it's hysterical.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_00: If they don't like that, then they'll go watch your YouTube special.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_03: Then they can go watch the niche.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_00: And or come see her uh do comedy.
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_00: She's a very, very funny person.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you so much for being a guest.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're a doll.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 53:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I love you.
• 53:39
  SPEAKER_01: Damage goods.