Latest / Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse / Navigating the Awkward Re-Entry After Major Life Changes

Transcript

Navigating the Awkward Re-Entry After Major Life Changes · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback podcast.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: You're listening to episode 80.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: You are listening to episode 80.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: One of the things we've been talking about the last few weeks are the three pillars of any major life transition the shock factor, the limbo factor.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: And now today I want to talk about re-entering a world that has gone by without giving you notice of all the changes.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Listen, regardless of the transition you are in divorced, maybe you're an empty nester.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: You're retired, you have a new career, maybe you've lost a spouse this re-entry is hard.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: This re-entry is hard.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: It's at best, awkward and at its worst, sad and depressing.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: You've been buried and raising your kids, figuring out custody schedules, working, surviving and grieving.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Now it's final.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: You have made it through limbo and now the rest of your life awaits.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Now what this is called your retaking possession of your life stage.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: But what does this mean exactly.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: Let's face it, there may be some mild shock as you enter this newfound freedom.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: You thought maybe you might be finished with this, but now your new life begins and you may find yourself in a place of shock, not knowing what's next or what to do or even how to do it.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: There's a new kind of stress associated with the re-entry to a life you have not experienced in a long time.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: I was married for 25 years and let me say I had never lived alone and this was quite a shock for me.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: You really don't know who you are, except divorced and now also an empty nester.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: My re-entry stage began the day of mediation and the strain and stress of the whole process.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: It was finally finished.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: We had hashed through every last detail of the past 25 years.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: It was a beating.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: When it was over, my attorney said I'm calling the judge to see if he's in his chambers so he can grant your divorce today.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I was like wait, what Are you kidding me?
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: She said follow me to the courthouse.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: We arrived at the courthouse at 3.15 on a Friday afternoon, may of 2014.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: She asked to see the judge and we walked in and she petitioned the court on my behalf.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: He slammed the gavel down and said you are now officially divorced.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: I wasn't sure how to feel.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: I thought I would sob, and my attorney even mentioned she had expected me to cry.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: I said Well, I know this, it's coming.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: I spent that 30-minute drive home as a divorced woman, processing that entire day.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: You see, I knew I was still a mom and a coach, but really, who was I now that I was single after 25 years?
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: There was a new sense of freedom, but I had zero clue what to do with it.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: There was a new sense of freedom, but I had zero clue what to do with it.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I remember one night, not too long after that, my best friend called at 9 pm on a Thursday night and said hey, you want to go get ice cream?
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: And I was like it's past my bedtime, I can't, because I need to be here.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: For what did I need to be there for?
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: If I wanted to get ice cream at 9 pm on a work night, then well, I could.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: I didn't have to ask or tell anyone, I just did it.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: Please remember I was also an empty nester at this point, so I had no one to answer to.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: However, if you have children who are younger and obviously cannot be left alone.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Then this might be more difficult to do, but I was free, even though I had made it through the limbo stage.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I had yet to know who I was or what my life meant.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Maybe you've been there and can relate, or you see this headed like a bulldozer your way.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: You can relate, I know you can.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: In your transition there is a new haze lingering.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: There's no more confusion.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: It's final and you are on the loose.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: There was a moment of clarification at my next counseling session.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: He said you are now free to serve at church without waiting on anyone else.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: You have permission to do it.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I guess I have been waiting for permission to be able to do that.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: When I was in college, I was a youth pastor and loved working with high school kids.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: At the time I was a varsity tennis coach and I've had my share of joy with teenagers.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: But I took that permission and I jumped in without my life preserver on and decided to work in our young adult ministry at church.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Not going to lie, but this kept me so busy.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: It was a numbing device for me in a good way, you see, going home to my apartment at the end of the day to absolutely no one was well fine for a while.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: But what I learned was that I can do alone.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: But I don't do loneliness well at all.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: I was hosting small groups, dinner groups, playing sand volleyball and working our young adult service.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Every week I was driving to see my kids and having dinner with them.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: It kept me so busy that when I got home at night all I wanted to do was sleep, which kept me from being lonely.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: I was drowning from being busy.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: To avoid being lonely until I wasn't anymore, I slowed some things down and decided to just get through it, to deal with it.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: Face it head on.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: Lonely was rough, so I started writing about it.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Somehow putting it on paper was forcing me to recognize I was that lonely.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: I wrote a piece that basically shows how it would usually hit me on Friday.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: You see, I was pretty broke in that time and I didn't make a lot of money and so really going out on Friday nights was not an option.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: But I mean, thursday would hit and I would absolutely dread Friday.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: I hated Friday, so I would go home from work, eat leftovers from the week, maybe watch a show, begging for 9 pm to get here quickly so I could just go to sleep.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: I remember thinking how does anyone do this?
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: You have no one to bounce ideas off.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Get help with any questions or decisions you need to make.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: You are in charge of all the decisions.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: You are in charge of paying all the bills by yourself.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: This new you doesn't necessarily feel like a new you.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it may mean you are a one-parent show and add in all the extras and you're overwhelmed.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: We haven't even touched on the dating part yet.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: That episode is way further down the line.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: But depending on where you are in your stage of life whether you are older and an empty nester, are young and have young kids, or the mom of teenagers this transition is hard.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Each stage has its own challenges and problems, but don't give up because there is change coming.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: You will be amazed at how you know yourself and how vulnerable you can be with other people on where you really are in this reentry phase.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: It's huge.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: It takes time.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Just like any of the other stages, it does take time.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: But as you move into an unexpected transition or one you have been planning, the stages are all the same.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: There's some level of shock, followed by being in limbo and then finally re-entering the world around you.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: The amount of work you put into each stage will move you quicker.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: By work, I mean seeing a counselor, having a life coach and doing the brutal work of working through each stage, emotion and anxiety that looms ahead.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Reentry isn't for the faint of heart but, if you look back, neither was your transition for the faint of heart, but you made it through that transition, the shock of it.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: You went through the limbo stage and now here you are, ready to reenter a world as a new you.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: Even though you may not feel like it's a new, you Give it some time, try some new things, take a few small risks and enjoy your new freedom and your new life.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: That's it for this week.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: I hope you'll join me next week and I would love to hear from you.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: So if you've gotten anything out of this podcast, I would love it if you would share with someone who needs to hear it.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: That would mean the world to me.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: I'll see you next time.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.