Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 485. Parents struggling to accept me coming out and how many chances should I give my best friend. Headnoise

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485. Parents struggling to accept me coming out and how many chances should I give my best friend. Headnoise · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode. This
0:16
Speaker 1: is another email head Noise episode, so many things to
0:22
Speaker 1: go through. Last week I did an email head Noise
0:24
Speaker 1: and I unfortunately had to cut it short because there
0:26
Speaker 1: was just every sound under the sun that you could
0:29
Speaker 1: possibly conjure up in your mind was created around me
0:33
Speaker 1: without my consent, drilling, motorcycles, the washing machine that I
0:38
Speaker 1: couldn't turn off. That then I had to unplug from
0:40
Speaker 1: the wall, and then Tyrone was like, I think you
0:42
Speaker 1: might have broken this anyway, So good times. We're back
0:45
Speaker 1: here and I actually will be answering three email head
0:48
Speaker 1: Noise questions. No sound will stop me this time, So
0:51
Speaker 1: no life update. I just want to get straight into it,
0:53
Speaker 1: and I'm going to start with the question that I
0:55
Speaker 1: had put aside for last week's email head Noise episode,
0:58
Speaker 1: but I did get through to it. They want to
1:00
Speaker 1: touch on this one, Okay, let's fucking go. Hi, alexis
1:05
Speaker 1: your episode on stress from a few years back saved
1:08
Speaker 1: me in my first year of UNI. I love my sister, genuinely,
1:12
Speaker 1: my favorite person. She's finishing up high school right now
1:14
Speaker 1: and I'm in my fourth year of UNI. Everything my
1:17
Speaker 1: sister touches turns to gold academically, socially in sports. She's
1:21
Speaker 1: the most likable and kind hearted person, someone who gives
1:24
Speaker 1: one hundred and ten percent and deservedly excels in everything.
1:28
Speaker 1: I feel like the opposite. My twenties have been an
1:31
Speaker 1: up and down mess, and I've struggled with mental health
1:33
Speaker 1: issues for as long as I can remember. A lot
1:35
Speaker 1: of it rooted in fear of abandonment and learned helplessness.
1:39
Speaker 1: I started there a bit at the age of seven
1:40
Speaker 1: and returned to it a few years ago, which honestly
1:43
Speaker 1: saved my life by helping me come to terms with
1:45
Speaker 1: the fact that I'm gay. Coming out was a big
1:47
Speaker 1: shock to my family. My sister, the legend she is,
1:50
Speaker 1: handled it beautifully. My parents did react negatively, but also
1:54
Speaker 1: did assure me that they love me and that we'll
1:56
Speaker 1: get through this together. It's still a bit weird now
1:58
Speaker 1: a year and a half later, which is don't really
2:00
Speaker 1: talk about it. At the time, my dad strongly insisted
2:04
Speaker 1: that I don't tell anyone else, family or friends, not
2:07
Speaker 1: until I finish UNI and my sister finishes high school.
2:10
Speaker 1: Then I can quote do what I want. The relief
2:13
Speaker 1: of their acceptance is starting to wear off, and more recently,
2:16
Speaker 1: I've become resentful at the thought that if my sister
2:19
Speaker 1: and I each brought a guy home, it would be
2:21
Speaker 1: handled very differently for her. There would be excitement for
2:25
Speaker 1: me and my boyfriend less enthusiasm. My mom said to
2:28
Speaker 1: herself that she doesn't know how she's going to react
2:30
Speaker 1: when I get into a relationship. A few weeks ago,
2:34
Speaker 1: I confided in my sister about how much this saddens me.
2:37
Speaker 1: She sympathetically told me that it is what it is,
2:39
Speaker 1: and for the sake of my own mental health, I
2:41
Speaker 1: should try to make peace with it. That she will
2:43
Speaker 1: be happy for me, and that might have to be
2:46
Speaker 1: enough for now. I know my parents love me, and
2:49
Speaker 1: I love them, and that's what makes this so hard.
2:51
Speaker 1: I feel like I got the short end of the stick.
2:53
Speaker 1: My parents got to work out their parental mistakes on
2:56
Speaker 1: me the first child, and my sister got to reap
2:58
Speaker 1: the benefits, while I got left with the baggage. And then,
3:01
Speaker 1: to top it off, I'm gay, And even if they
3:03
Speaker 1: don't say it, I know they wish that I weren't.
3:05
Speaker 1: The point is I can't help but feel that I
3:08
Speaker 1: disappoint my parents because of this part of who I am,
3:10
Speaker 1: the shame is turning into bitterness towards the life my
3:13
Speaker 1: sister gets to live within our family context. I know
3:16
Speaker 1: it's not fair to her for me to feel this way,
3:18
Speaker 1: but I can't seem to shake it. I don't want
3:21
Speaker 1: this looming thing that isn't either of our fault to
3:24
Speaker 1: someday impact our relationship, which means so much to me. Sorry,
3:27
Speaker 1: if this is a wordy mess, any insight and advice
3:30
Speaker 1: would be appreciated. Okay, this is a very very frustrating,
3:37
Speaker 1: very good question, very sad question. And I'm like, I
3:40
Speaker 1: was so affected reading this the first time I read it,
3:43
Speaker 1: and I'm glad, like I'm also reading this like the
3:45
Speaker 1: second week around, because I was a bit emotional when
3:46
Speaker 1: I was trying to like record this the other day
3:49
Speaker 1: because it reminds me of there's two very close people
3:52
Speaker 1: in my life that have a very similar situation to you,
3:55
Speaker 1: and it just really reminded me of kind of what
3:58
Speaker 1: they went through and how they've come through and what
4:00
Speaker 1: they've had to battle for through no fault of their own,
4:03
Speaker 1: and it just pisces me off when you've got just
4:05
Speaker 1: good people just existing and life has to be made
4:08
Speaker 1: hard for them for no fucking reason. Okay, what I
4:11
Speaker 1: am going to say is, of course your sister, you
4:14
Speaker 1: know she is right in the sense that you know
4:16
Speaker 1: there has to be an extent of it where you've
4:18
Speaker 1: got to learn to make peace with it. Because ultimately,
4:21
Speaker 1: like I say a thousand times over, as much as
4:23
Speaker 1: we try, you cannot change someone else. You can't change
4:26
Speaker 1: how they think, what they believe in, how they act.
4:29
Speaker 1: At best, you can influence. So what I'm going to
4:32
Speaker 1: talk about in addressing this is how you can try
4:35
Speaker 1: and influence change in your parents. Okay, Now, there's many, many,
4:41
Speaker 1: many things that frustrate me about this, and one thing
4:44
Speaker 1: that really pisss me off is this idea that you
4:46
Speaker 1: didn't tell anyone until you finished union, finishes high school.
4:50
Speaker 1: I don't understand why that is. I think a lot
4:52
Speaker 1: of parents still have this belief. A lot of parents
4:55
Speaker 1: that aren't accepting of their children being gay have this
4:58
Speaker 1: belief that like, oh, maybe you're going through a phase,
5:00
Speaker 1: or maybe you're this, or maybe you're that, as if
5:03
Speaker 1: it's something that you yourself don't know, when no one
5:05
Speaker 1: knows you better than yourself, as something that you've got
5:08
Speaker 1: to like maybe like it's just craziness, and also it's
5:11
Speaker 1: it's funny because it's often the older generation. Now I'm
5:15
Speaker 1: speaking in terms of someone that's living in metropolitan Sydney,
5:19
Speaker 1: so I don't want to speak for other areas, and
5:21
Speaker 1: I don't want to speak out of like you know,
5:24
Speaker 1: might out of place, but at least where I live.
5:27
Speaker 1: And the people that, like I was saying, that's gone
5:30
Speaker 1: through something similar to you, their parents say, well, it's
5:32
Speaker 1: just that, like people are going to judge, and it's like,
5:35
Speaker 1: no cunt, the people that are judging in your generation,
5:37
Speaker 1: it's you old cunts that are the ones judging. But
5:40
Speaker 1: everyone around us is fine, Like the younger generation for
5:43
Speaker 1: the most part, at least in you know, the areas
5:46
Speaker 1: where you know, my friends that were going through what
5:47
Speaker 1: they went through, grew up in they're friends were not
5:50
Speaker 1: the ones that had the problem. Everyone that interacted with,
5:52
Speaker 1: you know, on a day to day basis weren't the
5:54
Speaker 1: ones with the issue. It actually was the older generation.
5:56
Speaker 1: So I don't know if that's the case for you.
5:58
Speaker 1: It might be completely different. But a lot of the
6:00
Speaker 1: time they'll project hard on what it was like during
6:04
Speaker 1: you know, when they were younger and what they saw
6:07
Speaker 1: and they're not able to see how things have changed
6:10
Speaker 1: and evolved. And you know, the thing that actually makes
6:14
Speaker 1: it easier for people that are gain to come out
6:16
Speaker 1: is the initial acceptance within the household and then socially
6:20
Speaker 1: outside of the household, Like it has to start at home.
6:23
Speaker 1: If someone feels completely confident and loved and accepted for
6:27
Speaker 1: who they are, they carry that confidence outside of the
6:30
Speaker 1: home and then it helps everything and everyone in that situation.
6:34
Speaker 1: In my opinion, and not just in my opinion, but
6:37
Speaker 1: you know, in what you can see, So it just
6:41
Speaker 1: pisces me off that this projection will occur. So I
6:45
Speaker 1: want you to realize that it is that it is
6:47
Speaker 1: a projection, and I know it doesn't take away from
6:49
Speaker 1: it hurting, but if you can really try and separate
6:53
Speaker 1: it and be like these these I was going to say,
6:57
Speaker 1: these people, your parents, who you love very much and
6:59
Speaker 1: who love you very much, are living with this fear
7:02
Speaker 1: of you know how hard it's going to be and
7:05
Speaker 1: how difficult it's going to be in hoping that you
7:08
Speaker 1: could turn things around and make it easy again. Be
7:11
Speaker 1: more like your sister in that sense where it's just
7:13
Speaker 1: you know, stock standard straight child has you know, a
7:16
Speaker 1: normal life quoite unquite okay, So it is ultimately their problem,
7:22
Speaker 1: and you've got to try whenever possible to not really
7:26
Speaker 1: lean into making this your problem. Okay. Now, one thing
7:29
Speaker 1: that I do suggest is that you kind of okay, firstly,
7:33
Speaker 1: do what you want. You don't have to do anything.
7:34
Speaker 1: You've done nothing wrong. But if you want to get
7:37
Speaker 1: your parents on board faster, I really recommend that you
7:40
Speaker 1: do a kind of like exposure therapy to your parents.
7:44
Speaker 1: Because you did mention here, you said something like you
7:48
Speaker 1: still feel it's where is it? I still feel a
7:50
Speaker 1: bit weird now a year and a half later. We
7:52
Speaker 1: just don't really talk about it. That's so common when
7:55
Speaker 1: like parents don't accept it, your obvious reaction is to
7:59
Speaker 1: not talk about it. And the problem with not talking
8:01
Speaker 1: about it not that you're again literally you're doing nothing wrong,
8:04
Speaker 1: but the issue that arises from that is that your
8:07
Speaker 1: parents are there thinking, oh, maybe maybe they're not maybe
8:10
Speaker 1: they're not going to find a put it, maybe this,
8:12
Speaker 1: maybe that's so they're they're like kind of hoping that
8:13
Speaker 1: things are going to change, or hoping that maybe you
8:15
Speaker 1: were mistaken, or maybe that you're not like all this
8:17
Speaker 1: bullshit that's festering in their heads because you're trying to
8:21
Speaker 1: not rock the boat. You're trying to not upset them.
8:24
Speaker 1: You're trying to not put yourself in a comfortable situation
8:26
Speaker 1: and upset yourself. So of course you're not going to
8:29
Speaker 1: bring up a topic that you know you're just going
8:31
Speaker 1: to get hurt by and they're going to get all
8:33
Speaker 1: weird by, right, But the problem is that they're not
8:38
Speaker 1: being exposed to reality. The more you expose them to reality,
8:43
Speaker 1: the more you give them a chance an opportunity to
8:46
Speaker 1: get over it and really accept you for who you are.
8:49
Speaker 1: So as hard as it is, it's something that should
8:53
Speaker 1: be spoken about in the household. You know, if you're dating,
8:56
Speaker 1: if you do go out on a date, why can't
8:58
Speaker 1: you say I went on a down And I know,
9:01
Speaker 1: I know it's so much easier said than done, and
9:03
Speaker 1: I know that it would like be like, oh my god,
9:05
Speaker 1: how am I going to bring myself to you know,
9:07
Speaker 1: when it's something that you've avoided talking about for so long,
9:10
Speaker 1: But it is this, I need to almost just be
9:13
Speaker 1: so blunt and upfront about the reality of my life,
9:17
Speaker 1: just like your sister would be so it's not I
9:18
Speaker 1: don't have to throw things in your face completely unnecessarily.
9:21
Speaker 1: But if your sister would be like, oh, I've started
9:23
Speaker 1: seeing this guy and things are going really well and whatever,
9:26
Speaker 1: if she would say something like that, you should feel
9:28
Speaker 1: this to be able to say the same thing in
9:31
Speaker 1: the same context. So a really good point of comparison
9:34
Speaker 1: is thinking, well, what would be normal for my sister
9:36
Speaker 1: to talk about, and I've got to make sure that
9:38
Speaker 1: I'm also doing the same thing, and then it starts
9:40
Speaker 1: giving them the opportunity to come around. I learn a
9:43
Speaker 1: lot from especially one of my friends who went through
9:45
Speaker 1: something very, very very similar to what you are going through.
9:49
Speaker 1: He taught me a lot because he he said to
9:51
Speaker 1: me he was and I was like, oh, I can't believe.
9:53
Speaker 1: I'm like you, poor thing, I can't believe this is
9:54
Speaker 1: going through And he said, you know what. The way
9:56
Speaker 1: I processed it is I just always remind myself that
9:59
Speaker 1: they I've come from a different perspective and a different
10:03
Speaker 1: life and a different upbringing. And his parents were actually
10:06
Speaker 1: not raging religious, but they were religious, and he was like, they,
10:09
Speaker 1: you know, for them to come around to this, it's
10:12
Speaker 1: going to be very different to how I've come around
10:14
Speaker 1: to my own sexuality, so I've got to give them
10:16
Speaker 1: that patience and that grace. And I'm like, oh my god,
10:19
Speaker 1: love it you can do that, because I would be infuriated.
10:21
Speaker 1: But it gave such a really good perspective because for him,
10:25
Speaker 1: it was initially like shame, I can't talk about it.
10:28
Speaker 1: I feel the wad to then coming around being like, no,
10:31
Speaker 1: this is who I am, and it's perfectly normal and
10:33
Speaker 1: acceptable for me to be the way I am. But
10:35
Speaker 1: I also just have to accept that my parents are
10:37
Speaker 1: coming from a completely different thing. And he almost got
10:40
Speaker 1: to a point where instead of feeling hurt, he almost
10:42
Speaker 1: pitied them that it was taking them so long to
10:44
Speaker 1: come around. And then they did come around eventually eventually,
10:47
Speaker 1: but it was only when they only started coming around
10:51
Speaker 1: when this is what happened, Like, I'm sure he'll be
10:53
Speaker 1: fine him I'm not even giving his name. But it
10:55
Speaker 1: got to a point when they weren't really accepting him.
10:57
Speaker 1: He've had his first serious partner who he's now married to,
11:01
Speaker 1: and he was like, oh, I'm thinking about bringing him
11:04
Speaker 1: like over for Christmas, and they said, well, listen, it's
11:07
Speaker 1: just like it's early days to be honest, if you
11:10
Speaker 1: come up for Christmas, we'd rather just be you. So
11:13
Speaker 1: he was like, okay, So if you're telling me that
11:15
Speaker 1: you don't feel comfortable me bringing my partner for Christmas,
11:18
Speaker 1: then it's a shame that we're going to spend up
11:20
Speaker 1: the first Christmas apart from each other. So I'll guess
11:22
Speaker 1: I'll see you next year. I guess I'll see you
11:24
Speaker 1: like in the new year. And he just ended it there,
11:27
Speaker 1: and then the parents had a bit of a freak
11:29
Speaker 1: out moment. They were like, what the fuck are we doing.
11:31
Speaker 1: We've literally pushed our child away on Christmas because we've
11:35
Speaker 1: just so luckily for their sake. They were like, oh,
11:39
Speaker 1: what have we done? So they were kind of oh no,
11:41
Speaker 1: but we actually do what do want to meet him?
11:42
Speaker 1: And we would really like it's just christ And he
11:44
Speaker 1: was like, oh good, I'm just not going to come
11:46
Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, this is who
11:48
Speaker 1: I am. So it's a shame for you, but these
11:52
Speaker 1: are your options. I don't come or I come. But
11:54
Speaker 1: now I'm I'm hesitant to even come even if he
11:57
Speaker 1: was invited, because are you going to make us feel uncomfortable?
12:00
Speaker 1: Since then I can't even remember ultimately if he ended
12:02
Speaker 1: up going to that Christmas or not with his partner.
12:04
Speaker 1: But since then they fully came around, obviously not overnight,
12:08
Speaker 1: but they really started to kind of think, we are
12:12
Speaker 1: pushing him away, we're going to lose him. So my
12:15
Speaker 1: advice to you and your sister's going to be on
12:18
Speaker 1: board hard. It's really nice when you have someone in
12:20
Speaker 1: your court when you're trying to fight a really unfair battle,
12:22
Speaker 1: and your sister will one hundred percent be you know
12:25
Speaker 1: in your court that my advice to you would be
12:28
Speaker 1: exposure fucking therapy because you're firstly, they're not like, they're
12:35
Speaker 1: not being disadvantaged in disadvantaged in any way, shape or form.
12:38
Speaker 1: You don't have to pity them. You don't have to
12:40
Speaker 1: feel bad for them. You know, oh my god, I'm
12:41
Speaker 1: going to put them in a too bad, so fucking sad.
12:43
Speaker 1: Can't If you decided that you were going to create
12:46
Speaker 1: a movie in your head of what your child's life
12:48
Speaker 1: was going to be like, that's your problem. If they
12:50
Speaker 1: then come out and begain a different to what you
12:52
Speaker 1: imagine that life would be like, you have to deal
12:54
Speaker 1: with that. It's not your responsibility as the child to
12:56
Speaker 1: deal with the falling out of the dream they had
12:58
Speaker 1: for you. That's their problem. So they can do that
13:02
Speaker 1: in their own time and not in front of you,
13:04
Speaker 1: and not waste your time and your emotions making you
13:06
Speaker 1: feel bad for something that you should never be feeling
13:09
Speaker 1: bad for. So exposure therapy, exposure to therapy, exposure therapy. Also,
13:13
Speaker 1: when your dad strongly insisted that you don't tell anyone else,
13:15
Speaker 1: family or friends until you finish UNI, you said, you're
13:19
Speaker 1: in your fourth year of UNI. You can tell whoever
13:21
Speaker 1: the fuck you want to tell whenever you want to tell.
13:24
Speaker 1: You are an adult. You are an adult, so you
13:28
Speaker 1: were completely in your right even if you weren't an adult,
13:32
Speaker 1: this is your sexuality. You were in your right to
13:35
Speaker 1: tell anyone whenever. So that honestly one of the again
13:40
Speaker 1: going back to the exposure's therapy saying, you know what, Dad,
13:43
Speaker 1: You're free to share your like who you know, your sexuality,
13:48
Speaker 1: or to keep it a secret as much as you want,
13:51
Speaker 1: as am I. So if you don't want to start
13:52
Speaker 1: telling people that you're straight anymore, go for gold. You
13:55
Speaker 1: can keep that a secret. But I don't need to
13:57
Speaker 1: keep my sexuality a secret. So you had your chance
14:00
Speaker 1: when you decided that you were going to share if
14:02
Speaker 1: you were straight or not to the world, I have
14:04
Speaker 1: my opportunity. Now, Okay, this is fucking ridiculous because that
14:08
Speaker 1: is like kind of like a manipulation of trying to
14:11
Speaker 1: make you feel shame of, you know, keeping it a secret,
14:13
Speaker 1: because it should be kept a secret. Nobody would be
14:16
Speaker 1: asked to keep the fact that they're straight a secret.
14:18
Speaker 1: So I'm sorry. I'm sure your parents are lovely, but
14:21
Speaker 1: when it comes to that, they can get absolutely fucked. Okay, anyway,
14:24
Speaker 1: I really hope that helped. But every time you're about
14:26
Speaker 1: to like cringe and think I can't do this, I can't,
14:28
Speaker 1: just think exposure therapy. Exposure therapy, exposure therapy, and they
14:31
Speaker 1: will come around if you keep hiding it, hiding it harding,
14:34
Speaker 1: it will be this elephant in the room that can
14:36
Speaker 1: never be spoken about, and you're going to feel like
14:38
Speaker 1: you are pitted against your sister. Your sister's on your side,
14:42
Speaker 1: she is your she would I'm sure that she would
14:45
Speaker 1: do anything to take any pain away from you, like
14:47
Speaker 1: she would probably hate this, This would tear her up.
14:50
Speaker 1: So just say to her, babe, I'm going to do this.
14:52
Speaker 1: Exposure therapy I need you in it, like on my side,
14:55
Speaker 1: and she would be and say, this is how I've
14:57
Speaker 1: got to approach it moving forward. I've got to like
14:59
Speaker 1: act like as if it's just like completely normal for them,
15:01
Speaker 1: and then if they have a problem with it, they're
15:03
Speaker 1: the ones that can be awkward about it. Why I
15:05
Speaker 1: never have to be made to feel awkward about my
15:07
Speaker 1: own sexuality ever again. And it starts at home, It
15:10
Speaker 1: starts with the family. Okay, hopefully that helps, And please
15:14
Speaker 1: give me an update. I would love to hear an
15:16
Speaker 1: update on your story and how you've been like navigating
15:19
Speaker 1: this and managing this. But thank you so much for
15:21
Speaker 1: writing and I really do appreciate that because there's many
15:23
Speaker 1: people in your situation that would be going through something
15:26
Speaker 1: very similar to what you are since since okay, next question, Okay,
15:37
Speaker 1: this one is titled All Grip No Sip. Love this already, Alexis.
15:42
Speaker 1: I love your podcast. I'm a long time bean. I
15:45
Speaker 1: moved from New Zealand to London and after five hundred
15:48
Speaker 1: plus job applications, huge flat finding, stress, and a toxic
15:52
Speaker 1: temp work environment over four months, I finally landed a role.
15:56
Speaker 1: Nearly two years on. I think I've found my feet.
15:59
Speaker 1: I'm up at five am the gym, I do yoga,
16:01
Speaker 1: meal preps, see friends, and have a great flat. From
16:03
Speaker 1: the outside, life looks good. There are aspects of this
16:07
Speaker 1: job that I love, the clients, the challenge, working in
16:10
Speaker 1: my dream city. But I also work in very high pressure,
16:13
Speaker 1: time sensitive investment banking, and my life feels like work
16:17
Speaker 1: is the focus. I'm constantly learning. I work long hours,
16:21
Speaker 1: and if I slip from my routine because of my
16:24
Speaker 1: normal life, like a late night date or hanging out
16:26
Speaker 1: with friends, I often feel like I'm scrambling the next
16:29
Speaker 1: day and mentally exhausted. I've had such a tight grip.
16:32
Speaker 1: I'm building this life now, and I just can't seem
16:35
Speaker 1: to enjoy it. I've been single for five years, and
16:38
Speaker 1: despite hitting my goals, it feels hard to soften. I've
16:42
Speaker 1: listened to your pods on burnout, hyperindependence, and everything in between.
16:46
Speaker 1: Any tips on how to actually enjoy the life you
16:48
Speaker 1: worked so hard to build and get your spark back. Thanks? Okay,
16:53
Speaker 1: this is a really This is really hard because it's
16:55
Speaker 1: kind of like when your job is taking up so
17:00
Speaker 1: much off your time, mental effort, mental energy, where one
17:07
Speaker 1: little extra later night and one thing has you struggling
17:11
Speaker 1: so much? The next day, you've got to ask yourself,
17:14
Speaker 1: is this the life that I've set myself up to live? Okay?
17:16
Speaker 1: Because your answer might be like, yes it is. I've
17:19
Speaker 1: worked my ass off to get this job. Then you've
17:22
Speaker 1: got to say, like, how long is this dynamic going
17:26
Speaker 1: to be like in this life? Okay? So for example,
17:28
Speaker 1: I've got a friend, she's a lawyer and she works obscene, obscene,
17:32
Speaker 1: obscene hours and she's like, well, it's never going to change,
17:35
Speaker 1: alexis this is just the life that I've set myself
17:37
Speaker 1: up to live, like in this particular field of flaw
17:41
Speaker 1: it is what it is. And I'm just like, the baby,
17:43
Speaker 1: is it ever gonna like? I feel like you're always
17:45
Speaker 1: to And she's like, well, I've just resigned myself to this.
17:48
Speaker 1: This is the life that I'm always going to live,
17:49
Speaker 1: and like, I love the job, but I've just got
17:52
Speaker 1: to put up with the fact that it's this crazy,
17:54
Speaker 1: high stress environment for forever. And she goes the people
17:57
Speaker 1: that work in this industry have been in here for
17:58
Speaker 1: way long and a lata. But I'm like, but are
18:02
Speaker 1: you agreeing that that's just how your life is going
18:04
Speaker 1: to be and she's like, well, yep, so she's kind
18:05
Speaker 1: of surrendered to the fact that. And mind you, she's
18:07
Speaker 1: she's got like kids and stuff, and it's like, such,
18:11
Speaker 1: I don't know how she juggles that. I do not know.
18:13
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is, do you want to get
18:16
Speaker 1: to a point where you're like, there is no other
18:18
Speaker 1: way to have this job and have a balanced life
18:21
Speaker 1: or is there? Because I can't miraculously make this job
18:25
Speaker 1: stress free if it is a high stress job. No
18:27
Speaker 1: one can give you advice to make a high stress,
18:30
Speaker 1: high focus, high demand job any easier because it is
18:35
Speaker 1: what it is, right, So you have to ask yourself,
18:38
Speaker 1: is this what I want for myself for the foreseeable future.
18:42
Speaker 1: You like your job, you like what you're doing, but
18:45
Speaker 1: if it's going to so heavily impact the life outside
18:48
Speaker 1: your job, what does that mean for you? You need
18:52
Speaker 1: to start asking yourself some hard questions. Because you said
18:55
Speaker 1: you're single. Right now, you know you've built this life
18:58
Speaker 1: that's you know, epic, but you just can't to enjoy
19:00
Speaker 1: it because it seems that this job that you have
19:03
Speaker 1: takes up all your mental load, all your effort. However,
19:05
Speaker 1: if you're able to be like, no, No, this job
19:08
Speaker 1: is only going to be this fucking intense for the
19:10
Speaker 1: next you know, let's say year or two, and then
19:12
Speaker 1: it's going to become easier because maybe I acquire this
19:15
Speaker 1: skill or maybe X, Y Z or whatever. Then that's
19:17
Speaker 1: a different story. But if this is your life for
19:20
Speaker 1: the foreseeable future, you have to ask yourself, am I
19:22
Speaker 1: okay with that? And at what point do things have
19:25
Speaker 1: to change? This is the question that I always recommend
19:27
Speaker 1: people ask themselves. What would it take for me to stay?
19:31
Speaker 1: And what would it take for me to leave? The
19:34
Speaker 1: answers to both those questions. This is the question that
19:37
Speaker 1: I'm going to get you to ask yourself, and I
19:38
Speaker 1: think everyone should ask themselves these questions when they're making
19:41
Speaker 1: big life decisions. What will it take for me to
19:43
Speaker 1: stay or what would it take for me to leave?
19:45
Speaker 1: And the answer to both those questions have to be measurable, tangible,
19:50
Speaker 1: actual things that you can stay out in out loud
19:53
Speaker 1: in a sentence. It can't be oh, a feeling or
19:56
Speaker 1: it's going to be a specific you know, culmination of
19:59
Speaker 1: something or something that it's you can measure it. So,
20:02
Speaker 1: for example, if you say, if nothing were to change,
20:05
Speaker 1: workload wise. After a year, then I would know that
20:09
Speaker 1: this is not going to be for me, okay, or
20:11
Speaker 1: maybe after six months or like you set the timeframe
20:14
Speaker 1: and if it was like so, that would like that's
20:16
Speaker 1: what it would take for you to leave. You would
20:17
Speaker 1: realize that you're never going to be able to live
20:20
Speaker 1: enjoy your life outside of work if you're just living
20:23
Speaker 1: to work and that's all there ever is. And on
20:26
Speaker 1: top of the fact that you're living to work, one
20:28
Speaker 1: time slip up makes you feel like you're still drowning
20:30
Speaker 1: in a glass of water. That's not a good thing.
20:32
Speaker 1: That's not a good thing as far as your overall
20:34
Speaker 1: life enjoyment. Unless work is your life and that's all
20:38
Speaker 1: you ever want to do with your life and you
20:39
Speaker 1: don't care about a social life. You don't. But that's
20:41
Speaker 1: not the case, otherwise you wouldn't have written in Then
20:43
Speaker 1: you're going to ask yourself, what would it take for
20:45
Speaker 1: me to stay? You've got to be able to measure
20:48
Speaker 1: it well. If I in the next six months am
20:51
Speaker 1: able to have, you know, two late nights and I
20:54
Speaker 1: still find balance that work throughout the day because I'm
20:56
Speaker 1: able to put these you know, things into practice and
21:00
Speaker 1: able to create a bit more structure on this or
21:02
Speaker 1: relieve myself from this particular responsibility, then it means that
21:05
Speaker 1: I would be able to stay. But whatever it is,
21:07
Speaker 1: you have to be able to measure those things because
21:09
Speaker 1: the alternative is is this is just your reality, right,
21:14
Speaker 1: Because you could work on your mindset all day, you
21:19
Speaker 1: could work on how you approach things, how you view things,
21:22
Speaker 1: the psychology around things, but there's only so many hours
21:25
Speaker 1: in your day. There's only so much mental bandwidth and
21:28
Speaker 1: emotional bandwidth that each of us have, some more than others,
21:31
Speaker 1: but there's still a limit. And if you are completely
21:34
Speaker 1: draining yourself from every possible container mentally emotionally, you're exhausted.
21:41
Speaker 1: There's nothing that mindset can do at this point. No
21:44
Speaker 1: positive thinking can change that. So you have to create
21:48
Speaker 1: balance in your life in a way that's going to
21:50
Speaker 1: be healthy as far as like sleep, social life, work.
21:53
Speaker 1: And you might say, oh, but the heats of people
21:55
Speaker 1: work these crazy height yet, but these people have full
21:58
Speaker 1: blown medical conditions or high levels of stress, which then
22:01
Speaker 1: equal full blown medical conditions later down the line. It's
22:04
Speaker 1: not good enough to be like, oh, well, I'll just
22:07
Speaker 1: stick this out for as long as I can at
22:09
Speaker 1: the end of the day, What is the point of
22:11
Speaker 1: doing things in life if it doesn't give you an
22:13
Speaker 1: overall feeling that you're trying to achieve? Why do we
22:15
Speaker 1: want these high paying jobs because maybe we want financial freedom?
22:19
Speaker 1: Why do we want these high stress like there's always
22:21
Speaker 1: a reason and everything comes down to a feeling, whether
22:24
Speaker 1: it's a feeling of freedom, security, you know, happiness, excitement.
22:28
Speaker 1: You've got a pinpoint. Why are you doing what you
22:30
Speaker 1: are doing? Because if you are miserable while you're doing it,
22:33
Speaker 1: and you're miserable when you're not doing it, then you
22:35
Speaker 1: shouldn't be doing it. Okay. So while I haven't been
22:39
Speaker 1: able to give you an exact answer, I want you
22:41
Speaker 1: to ask yourself the hard questions because you have to
22:44
Speaker 1: get to a point where you're like, how worth it
22:46
Speaker 1: is this for me? And if it is really worth
22:49
Speaker 1: it for how long? Because you can probably do what
22:52
Speaker 1: you're doing forever, but you won't be happy. So where's
22:56
Speaker 1: the tipping point? Where's the point where I can be
22:59
Speaker 1: happy and do what I'm doing but also not have
23:03
Speaker 1: a mental breakdown after I've had one? Like how are
23:06
Speaker 1: you going to date? How do you go on a
23:07
Speaker 1: nice date? Without having crazy anxiety, being like, I'm going
23:09
Speaker 1: to be scrambling to the next day and I'm not
23:11
Speaker 1: going to be able to That's not how you live
23:13
Speaker 1: your life, especially when you've worked your ass off to
23:15
Speaker 1: get to where you are. If you're a hard worker,
23:17
Speaker 1: you should actually be able to reap the benefits from it,
23:19
Speaker 1: and it seems like you're not able to do that
23:21
Speaker 1: right now. Hopefully that helped. Hopefully it just put you
23:24
Speaker 1: in a different mindset of how to approach things and
23:26
Speaker 1: where like what you're going to prioritize in the near
23:28
Speaker 1: future and also in the long term future. But thank
23:30
Speaker 1: you so much. Great great title as well. Okay, next one,
23:36
Speaker 1: this one, final one. It's called do I eject my
23:39
Speaker 1: ex best friend from my life permanently? Or do I
23:42
Speaker 1: give it one more shot? I love this already. High
23:46
Speaker 1: lexis Love Love, love you and the pod. I'm just
23:49
Speaker 1: choosing to make this a song. Your advice is superior,
23:51
Speaker 1: so I had to send in a question. Thank you.
23:54
Speaker 1: I'm struggling with whether to let go off for long
23:56
Speaker 1: term friendship or try at least one last time to
23:59
Speaker 1: fix it. Ps I've already taken your advice from many
24:01
Speaker 1: other podcasts. Ets, but I'm still racking my brain on
24:04
Speaker 1: what to do myself. Normal family or my friends can
24:07
Speaker 1: see what I've done wrong. Honestly, just an FI. I'm
24:09
Speaker 1: twenty two. I had a best friend in late high
24:12
Speaker 1: school and we stayed close for years afterwards, however, with
24:15
Speaker 1: periods of her not talking due to whatever silly reason
24:18
Speaker 1: and giving me the silent treatment until I reach out
24:20
Speaker 1: her asking why we aren't talking, which has always resolved things.
24:24
Speaker 1: We are inseparable when on good term, spending days together,
24:27
Speaker 1: laughing till we cry, fun times and being excited about
24:30
Speaker 1: the future, and how we would talk things out if
24:32
Speaker 1: there was ever any future issues because we can't not
24:35
Speaker 1: talk again her words, But then there's always been some
24:38
Speaker 1: issues in the friendship. A couple of years ago, she
24:40
Speaker 1: admitted she felt jealous of me when it comes to relationships.
24:43
Speaker 1: She has never been in one, and I've had a few.
24:45
Speaker 1: I've noticed a pattern when wherever I get into a
24:47
Speaker 1: relationship slash seriously talking to someone, she either barely talks
24:51
Speaker 1: to me anymore, or more often than not, disappears from
24:55
Speaker 1: my life due to a very petty issue. And I
24:57
Speaker 1: don't even know what I did wrong. When I become
25:00
Speaker 1: single again, we suddenly become very close friends again. This
25:03
Speaker 1: has happened more than once. The major pattern is that
25:06
Speaker 1: whenever we have even the smallest issues, she gives me
25:09
Speaker 1: the silent treatment. Sometimes she won't talk to me for months,
25:12
Speaker 1: and once it was a year. She never reaches out
25:14
Speaker 1: to resolve things. It always has to be me who
25:17
Speaker 1: messages and tries to fix things, and I'm sick of it.
25:19
Speaker 1: It's super draining and I don't want to put up
25:21
Speaker 1: with this anymore. Right now, we're not speaking again because
25:23
Speaker 1: of something that happened late last year. Since then, I'm
25:26
Speaker 1: in a new relationship, and I don't know that even
25:29
Speaker 1: if I do reach out, if things would go back
25:31
Speaker 1: to our normal friendship, because she's single from what I
25:33
Speaker 1: know and see, and I always felt that there was
25:35
Speaker 1: comparison between us before, or that she secretly never wants
25:38
Speaker 1: the best for me. But I don't know if that's
25:40
Speaker 1: just my own insecurities or just in my head, or
25:42
Speaker 1: if that feeling is true. Part of me wonders if
25:45
Speaker 1: the friendship is just done and it's time to let go,
25:47
Speaker 1: But the other part of me struggles with that because
25:49
Speaker 1: we shared so many great memories and I've never had
25:51
Speaker 1: a friendship so easy and fun when we were both single,
25:54
Speaker 1: and I know she feels the same way. We're probably
25:57
Speaker 1: both being as stubborn as each other. Even though none
25:59
Speaker 1: of my friends think I should be friends with her again,
26:01
Speaker 1: They've said that for years due to these patterns, and
26:04
Speaker 1: also they don't see why I'm getting this treatment even
26:07
Speaker 1: when I'm talking slash in a relationship with someone, I
26:10
Speaker 1: always spread myself out evenly. I always spread myself out
26:19
Speaker 1: one on one evenly and talk about how we can
26:21
Speaker 1: do stuff together at times, so she never felt left out.
26:24
Speaker 1: But now I'm doing stuff with my partner. I know
26:26
Speaker 1: she would have loved. It's making me miss her a lot.
26:28
Speaker 1: My question is is it worth me reaching out to
26:30
Speaker 1: her one last time to try and repair the friendship
26:33
Speaker 1: or should I accept the pattern and let it go.
26:35
Speaker 1: Is it worth having a friend with patterns like this
26:38
Speaker 1: despite all the good times we have together. But since
26:40
Speaker 1: I have a boyfriend now, I doubt we'll be as
26:42
Speaker 1: close due to this as this has happened before. But
26:44
Speaker 1: who knows. Thank you so much, and I'm sorry for
26:46
Speaker 1: this long message. Don't be sorry for the long message.
26:48
Speaker 1: A great question. Okay, there's a couple of things that
26:51
Speaker 1: I would say here. I don't think that's ever wrong.
26:54
Speaker 1: If you want to try and repair a friendship and
26:56
Speaker 1: extend the olive branch and reach out, there's nothing wrong
26:58
Speaker 1: with that. So if you want to do that because
27:00
Speaker 1: you miss her, that's fine. But what you have to
27:03
Speaker 1: come to terms with is you have to manage your
27:06
Speaker 1: expectations hard around her. Something that is not going to happen,
27:11
Speaker 1: and I can tell you for free, is that she
27:14
Speaker 1: is not going to change. So if you're okay with
27:17
Speaker 1: that kind of friendship, then by all means, bring her
27:20
Speaker 1: back into your life repair and then have things go
27:24
Speaker 1: to shit. Lay it down the line. That's okay. And
27:26
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that to be like, oh I like
27:28
Speaker 1: her genuinely, that's actually okay. It's all about managing your expectations.
27:32
Speaker 1: And I've got this thing where I talk about really
27:35
Speaker 1: knowing how to compartmentalize your friends into, like really, what
27:38
Speaker 1: kinds of friends they are? Are they inner circle friends?
27:40
Speaker 1: She's very much not an in a circle friend, by
27:42
Speaker 1: the way. Are they you know, old time sake friends
27:46
Speaker 1: where you just keep the friendship because you had such
27:48
Speaker 1: a good time in the past, or like maybe you
27:50
Speaker 1: grew up together, and you might not have much in common,
27:51
Speaker 1: and you don't really create any new memories, but it's
27:54
Speaker 1: nostalgic and nice to make keep this person in your life.
27:56
Speaker 1: That's another kind of friendship. Then you've got your good
27:58
Speaker 1: times friends. These are the friend I would probably put
28:01
Speaker 1: her in a good times friends category. When you're together,
28:03
Speaker 1: you die laughing, you have the best time, you might
28:05
Speaker 1: have the best and then you flake on each other
28:07
Speaker 1: hard for months in a row. But then when you're
28:09
Speaker 1: out again, it's like, but it's their fair weather, fair
28:11
Speaker 1: weather friends, good times friends. But when you actually need
28:14
Speaker 1: them and when you're actually like in the in the
28:16
Speaker 1: everyday parts of your life, they bail. They're not there.
28:18
Speaker 1: They're not really reliable. You would never lean on her
28:21
Speaker 1: as far as you could throw her, so like, where
28:25
Speaker 1: would let's say, let's say you reach out and she's like,
28:27
Speaker 1: oh my god, yes, yes, let's hang out. Let's you know,
28:30
Speaker 1: you've got to really manage your expectations and be like
28:32
Speaker 1: this woman as much. It doesn't matter how much fun
28:34
Speaker 1: you've had with her. It doesn't matter the mark of
28:37
Speaker 1: a good like close best friend comes down to longevity.
28:42
Speaker 1: It comes down to character. How you treat each other
28:46
Speaker 1: in all seasons, in all fucking seasons. It's not when
28:49
Speaker 1: it's convenient for her. That's why I would never like
28:52
Speaker 1: categorize her as a good friend. She might be a blast.
28:55
Speaker 1: Put her in the good times fair weather friend category,
28:57
Speaker 1: and then only hang out with her every once in
28:58
Speaker 1: a while if you want to really fucking good belly laugh.
29:00
Speaker 1: But that's it. You're trying to blend two different friendships.
29:05
Speaker 1: You're trying to be like, Oh, this flake of a
29:08
Speaker 1: friend who's a really good time isn't being a best
29:11
Speaker 1: friend to me, and that hurts. But you need to
29:15
Speaker 1: change a perspective. You need to be like if if
29:17
Speaker 1: I brought her back into my life and she was
29:20
Speaker 1: willing to be my friend again because she's the one
29:22
Speaker 1: that's always flaking on me, which I'm going to get
29:24
Speaker 1: to in a second, but let's say if you brought
29:25
Speaker 1: her back in and she was keen. I still have
29:28
Speaker 1: to manage my expectations and think, no matter how much
29:30
Speaker 1: I laugh with someone, it doesn't mean they're my best friend.
29:32
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean they're an inner circle friend. It's really
29:36
Speaker 1: we get swept up sometimes in friendships. Will we get
29:40
Speaker 1: so excited and emotionally invested just because we had so
29:43
Speaker 1: much fun that we think, oh my god, well, my god,
29:45
Speaker 1: best friend, best friend because they have so much shup.
29:46
Speaker 1: But you need to kind of It's kind of like
29:48
Speaker 1: with gaslighting ourselves. It's kind of like what we do
29:50
Speaker 1: when we go on like a really good date and
29:52
Speaker 1: we think they're the love of our lives. We do
29:54
Speaker 1: this with friends as well, and it's important to be like,
29:57
Speaker 1: I can still have this person in my life. I
29:59
Speaker 1: can still have fun, but I need to talk myself
30:02
Speaker 1: into reality and look at the track record of behavior.
30:06
Speaker 1: If I can lower my expectations around this person and
30:10
Speaker 1: really manage them properly, then I can probably still have
30:13
Speaker 1: her in my life and not feel like it's always
30:15
Speaker 1: me reaching out and it's always me. So that way,
30:17
Speaker 1: I can feel like I have some semblance of control.
30:20
Speaker 1: Now put that aside. All of that is fine. If
30:22
Speaker 1: you're willing to do that, if you're willing to manage
30:24
Speaker 1: your expectations, great, Now do you want this woman back
30:27
Speaker 1: in your life? That is the question. The fact that
30:30
Speaker 1: she never reaches out to repair things, the fact that
30:34
Speaker 1: she will always flake when you're in a relationship. These
30:38
Speaker 1: good times have to be so fucking good for me
30:41
Speaker 1: to be like, well, okay, I'll give it another chance.
30:44
Speaker 1: If someone's never calling me, never reaching out to repair,
30:48
Speaker 1: never like if I don't message them and then they
30:51
Speaker 1: never message back, that to me is a bit of
30:53
Speaker 1: an answer, like I understand that. You know, I've got
30:56
Speaker 1: friends that won't message me for six months because life happens, right, lifeavans.
31:00
Speaker 1: But then sometimes I won't message for months and then
31:04
Speaker 1: they're the ones reaching out of the nut, so he
31:06
Speaker 1: comes out in the wash in the end, Right, I'm
31:08
Speaker 1: never going to hold it against someone that they didn't
31:10
Speaker 1: message me for X amount of time when I also
31:12
Speaker 1: wasn't doing it either. But if it's consistent, and it's
31:15
Speaker 1: every time you guys have repeated the past, it's because
31:18
Speaker 1: of you, then there is something serious going on here.
31:21
Speaker 1: And maybe she's only coming back because maybe she herself
31:24
Speaker 1: can't even hold down a proper, real friendship. She seems
31:27
Speaker 1: like someone that's going to be the victim of her
31:28
Speaker 1: own circumstances twenty four seventh till the end of time,
31:31
Speaker 1: and all she's banking on is that people are ultimately
31:34
Speaker 1: going to come back and repair things, because she is
31:36
Speaker 1: that fun friend. So you've got to ask how much
31:39
Speaker 1: do I really value this kind of relationship where it's
31:42
Speaker 1: always me scrambling and if I never messaged her, she'd
31:46
Speaker 1: probably never come back to me. Ever, again, is it
31:48
Speaker 1: worth it? Only you can answer that question. I would
31:52
Speaker 1: probably do it a couple of times personally, because I
31:54
Speaker 1: always be like, well, there's always room for repairing a friendship.
31:56
Speaker 1: But if I saw a pattern where they kept bailing
31:59
Speaker 1: every time I had a partner, which minds you with
32:00
Speaker 1: a very normal part of life, So for her to
32:02
Speaker 1: bail for that is very unhinged, and like, if that
32:05
Speaker 1: just kept happening, I would be like, I'm just going
32:07
Speaker 1: to pull the pin here, And you can pull the
32:09
Speaker 1: pin and just not respond, or you could if you
32:11
Speaker 1: wanted to send a nice, beautiful message but saying hey,
32:14
Speaker 1: you know, I've loved the friendship that we've had. It's
32:16
Speaker 1: actually been a blast. But I just feel like friendship wise,
32:19
Speaker 1: we're not compatible because every time I have a relationship,
32:21
Speaker 1: we just crumble. So I really do wish you all
32:23
Speaker 1: the best, but I'm not going to keep trying to
32:25
Speaker 1: repair because the end result is always the same. But
32:30
Speaker 1: love you so much, love for you, and you know,
32:32
Speaker 1: if our lives ever closed passed, but we have a
32:34
Speaker 1: compatible friendship in the future, that would be lovely. You
32:36
Speaker 1: could do something like that, But if I were you,
32:39
Speaker 1: I would not give it another shot. But if you
32:40
Speaker 1: do give it another shot, do it in a way
32:42
Speaker 1: where you've managed your expectations hard around her. Okay, I
32:47
Speaker 1: know it's tempting because she's so fun, but look at
32:51
Speaker 1: the fallout and how does the fall out affect you
32:53
Speaker 1: every time? That's what you've got to focus on. Great question, though,
32:56
Speaker 1: because I think we've all been there with a friend
32:58
Speaker 1: who's just like it's like a telling you. It's like
33:00
Speaker 1: a fucking toxic love bomber relationship, isn't it anyway? Cool man?
33:06
Speaker 1: That is the episode of today. Thank you so much
33:08
Speaker 1: for sending in your questions. Love them so much as always.
33:11
Speaker 1: You can send in your email questions to info out
33:14
Speaker 1: to dyfmpod dot com. You can send your voicemail questions
33:18
Speaker 1: via the website at www dot dfmpod dot com. Love
33:22
Speaker 1: you guys so much. As always. Remember be can't to yourself.
33:25
Speaker 1: You can't your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and
33:27
Speaker 1: especially don't take shit from yourself. Don