Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 54. Protective parenting vs. conflict avoidance: The choice that changes everything

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54. Protective parenting vs. conflict avoidance: The choice that changes everything · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hey, I'm Danielle Black and I'm the coach you need if you're struggling with all things post-separation.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: I don't play by the old rules.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I specialize in child-focused, evidence-based parenting arrangements that put kids at the center instead of keeping them stuck in the middle.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Let's go.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Danielle, and welcome back to the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: It might surprise you to know that this is actually the first new episode that I have launched on the podcast, the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast for around 12 months.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: Wow, it's hard to believe that it has been that long.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: What have I been doing, you might ask?
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I have been in the trenches with my one-on-one clients.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: My one-on-one coaching has become fully booked, which, as a business owner, is a great problem to have, but it has meant that some things have just had to fall by the wayside for a little bit, and unfortunately, one of them was the podcast.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: I just did not have the capacity.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I really wanted to prioritize serving my one-on-one clients and the group community that I've created, and that's not a bad thing, even though it means that I've been away from all of you listeners for some time, and I'm so sorry about that.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Focusing on one-on-one coaching, not only has that enabled me to serve my clients to my best possible level and to serve more clients, but it's also really given me a wealth of enhanced coaching experience, and that's really relevant because it has led to the creation of a really exciting resource that I'll be telling you about later on in the episode.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: I'd also like to say thank you to all of you, to listeners that have been around for quite some time now and have just been re-listening to episodes.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much to new listeners.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Amazingly, when I get the data from how many downloads that I have had each week, this is data that my podcast hosting platform continues to send me on a weekly basis.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Platform continues to send me on a weekly basis.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Incredibly, even without having created a new episode in around a year I haven't looked at the exact date, but that's roughly what I think it's been Even without putting out a new episode in around 12 months, each week I still continue to have hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of downloads on past episodes, and that's incredible.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: What that tells me is that the content that I've been putting out is still incredibly valuable.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: The kinds of things that I'm talking about is still valuable, and people are still finding me because I have been talking about things that very few Australian voices have been talking about, and I think that's really relevant the Australian context.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: There's a wealth of information out there, particularly from US creators, and this is to take absolutely nothing away from them, but the reality is that when we're talking about all things post-separation, family law in Australia is very, very different to that in the US, and people get themselves into all kinds of trouble when they consume primarily US content.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: So thank you so much for the ongoing love and support.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: It means so much to me.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Let's get started.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I really want to start today's episode with a question that might make you uncomfortable, but I'm not one to shy away from discomfort.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: So here goes, it's just you and me.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Are you a protective parent or are you a parent who is striving to avoid conflict?
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Because here's the truth that no one else is going to tell you.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: You can't be both.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: You really need to pick one, and I know that sounds harsh, but please stay with me, because what I'm about to share with you could be the most important realization that you have on your entire post-separation journey.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: If you're listening to this podcast, chances are you're struggling with some really difficult decisions right now, perhaps really difficult decisions about your children's safety and well-being.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: Either before or after separation, you might know that something doesn't feel right, but you keep getting pulled back into patterns of avoiding conflict, keeping the peace, not rocking the boat, and I get it.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Conflict feels terrible, especially when you've been conditioned to believe that any conflict is harmful to your children and if you've been conditioned, in a controlling relationship, to believe that conflict is your fault and something that you can actually control or solve.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: But what if I told you that avoiding conflict is actually one of the most harmful things that you can do as a parent?
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: What if I told you that your conflict avoidance might be the very thing that ultimately puts your child at most risk?
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Today, I want to talk about the journey from conflict avoidant to protective and why making this shift is absolutely critical for your children's future.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: So will you be a protective parent or will you be a parent who strives to avoid conflict?
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: You need to pick one, and this isn't about me being mean or aggressive.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: This isn't about creating unnecessary drama.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: This is about recognising that sometimes, protecting your children requires you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: It requires you to have difficult conversations, to set firm boundaries and, yes, sometimes to engage in conflict when that conflict serves your children's best interests.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: When I work with clients, I see this pattern again and again.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: They come to me knowing that something is wrong with their current parenting arrangements.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: Their children are showing signs of distress.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: There are safety concerns, there are a sea of red flags, but instead of taking protective action, they keep trying to manage everyone else's emotions.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: They keep trying to keep their ex-partner happy.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: They keep accepting inappropriate relationships because standing up for their children would add to the conflict.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Here's what I've learned from years of working with families in these situations the same brain that you have now, the same thoughts, same behavior patterns, same responses is not going to get you where you need to be on its own.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: If avoiding conflict was going to protect your kids, it would have worked by now.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: If being reasonable was going to create safe arrangements for your family, you probably wouldn't be listening to this podcast right now.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: So instead of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, you need to become a different version of yourself, a more protective version.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: What I'm talking about is increasing your capacity to embody being a protective parent.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: And let me tell you something this takes work.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: It takes learning a new skill set, including creating safety for your nervous system not just physical safety, but felt emotional safety.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: And it's not a walk in the park.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: That's precisely why people work with me.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: That's why they work with a coach who understands this work and can guide them through it.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Most of the parents I work with are operating from a place of emotional overwhelm and trauma, and when you're in fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn mode, protective decision-making takes a backseat to emotional survival.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: And I get it.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: I've been there, I've lived it.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: I know only too well that when you're in that place, your nervous system is doing exactly what it's designed to do.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: But here's the thing you can't protect your kids when you're in a place of emotional reactivity.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: You can't make strategic decisions when you're constantly trying to manage your own anxiety and fear.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: This is where we start with comparing what is with what could be.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: What is right now is that you are perhaps avoiding conflict, maybe accepting parenting arrangements that don't feel right, maybe watching your kids struggle because you're too afraid to rock the boat.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: What could be is a version of you who has the capacity to stay in the energy of being a protective parent more than being in the energy of being fearful and conflict avoidant.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: What could be is a version of you who has the capacity to keep going when it's hard to maintain healthy boundaries, the capacity to reach out for help, to engage with a coach, to celebrate the wins, all of the steps forward, no matter how small they might seem.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: What could be is a version of you who can be in the energy of the result that you want, of the person you're becoming, the parent you're becoming, instead of staying stuck in the energy of fear and overwhelm.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: Now I know what some of you might be thinking.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: You might be thinking that I don't understand that.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: I just don't get it.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: The system's unfair, your ex-partner's manipulative, maybe your lawyer doesn't get it, maybe you believe that the court doesn't really care about your kid's safety.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: And you know what You're right about a lot of that.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: The system is unfair.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: There are manipulative ex-partners out there and there are professionals who don't understand child development or family violence dynamics and may not give a fuck about either.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: But here's the hard truth.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: We can make up all the excuses about why we can't, about why it's unfair, about why the system's flawed and yeah, it is unfair, but for as long as you're spending more time in the energy of the excuses and more time focused on the unfairness of it all, you're never going to become a fully protective parent.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: You're never going to increase your capacity for being a protective parent, because the truth is that focusing on what's unfair really does keep you in victim mode and unfortunately, the reality is that victims don't tend to do a great job of protecting their children post-separation, not when they stay in that victim mentality.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: It requires shifting to a mentality of being a protective parent, and the system can't do the job of being a protective parent.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: It can't and it won't.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Your lawyer can't be a protective parent for you.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: Your counsellor or your psychologist can't be a protective parent for you, nor can I.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: But I am here to help when you decide, when you make the decision to put your own cape on, to be your own hero and get started with the work.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: So what does this work actually look like?
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: It means building your capacity to believe in yourself, in your abilities, in your abilities to learn new skills, to feel emotional discomfort, to feel fear and to keep moving forward.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: Anyway, let me ask you something else, another personal question Are you really giving it your all truly, and that might sting to hear because you might be thinking hey, of course I am, I'm doing everything I can, but are you really?
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: Are you doing the work to regulate your nervous system so that you can think clearly, so that you can manage emotional triggers in a way and to a point that means that you're then still able to think critically and to make logical decisions?
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: Are you educating yourself about child development so you can make informed decisions?
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: Are you building the support network you need to stay strong when things get difficult?
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Or are you waiting for someone else to fix it for you?
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Are you hoping it will eventually sort itself out?
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Are you telling yourself that things will get better on their own?
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: One of the biggest mistakes that I see people make is waiting to take action or never taking action, because they tell themselves that it will sort itself out, that things will get better on their own.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Spoiler alert they won't.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: But hey, it makes sense not to try.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: It makes so much sense to your brain where it's at right now, and so many people in your world probably agree with you.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: And why wouldn't they?
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: Because they're not the ones lying awake at night worrying about your kids.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: But you know what you don't currently have the capacity to be fully protective, because if you did, you'd already be parenting in a highly protective way instead of in a primarily conflict avoidant way.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: And this is where coaching comes in.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: Coaching helps to put the obstacles into perspective, to make them more manageable, to make them smaller when compared to the big picture of knowing that you've done everything that you can to protect your kids, to take everything in our way and make it as manageable as possible.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: And that requires feeling a lot of discomfort and being willing to feel the emotional discomfort.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: Coaching keeps you moving forward to the more protective version of you.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: It helps you to face the challenges because you're not facing them alone, and here is what I know is going to happen.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: You'll hit a wall and you'll want to give up, and this is really true when you're going through the court system.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: Ask me how I know you might get entrenched in I can't do this thinking.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Instead, when you have specialized support that I can't do, this can be changed to.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: I can do this.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: I am doing this.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Seeking support from others who understand the system, who have lived experience and professional experience can help you.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: To support the mindset shift and to help you to co-regulate can help you to support the mindset shift and to help you to co-regulate can help you to have belief, even if there isn't yet proof, because belief in your ability to transform and optimize your outcome is what makes the transformation inevitable.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: There is a different version of you who is skilled at regulating her emotions, who's skilled at managing her thoughts and her mindset, who is skilled at choosing better thoughts, thoughts that increase your capacity instead of decrease it.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: You are capable of being a protective parent who advocates for your children.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: You just need to develop the skills and the capacity to become that person.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: Part of building this capacity is having the right information, because the reality is you cannot make protective decisions if you don't understand what children actually need at different developmental stages.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: You can't advocate effectively if you don't understand the legal system or how to best work with professionals, and this is why I'm so excited about what I've been developing for the time that I've been away from the podcast.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: It's called the Post-Separation Parenting Blueprint and it provides the foundational and in-depth knowledge that parents need to assess their situation and understand their children's needs, without having to spend hours Googling or going from one quote-unquote expert to the next.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: The blueprint is designed to give you the evidence-based information that you need to make confident parenting decisions, but more than that it also helps you to understand why certain arrangements work or don't work for children, so that you can advocate from a place of knowledge rather than just gut instinct.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: And that's something that I've learned throughout my many years of one-on-one coaching is so important to my clients.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: So many of them come to me knowing deep down, on a gut level, on an intuitive level, what's best for their kids.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: But what they've been lacking is the knowledge, the evidence, the research base to be able to confidently articulate that to other people, whether to their former partner, to their lawyer, to any other professional.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: And this is what the blueprint is designed to do to assist you to advocate from a place of knowledge rather than just your gut instinct.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Because, again, while your gut instincts are important, they're so much more powerful when they're also backed up by solid information and strategic thinking.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: You can get on the wait list for the blueprint now by heading to my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: When you do that, you also get a mini guide of the five critical mistakes that I see parents making early in separation and a mini private podcast episode from me all about those five mistakes as well.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: So here's where we are.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: You've got a choice to make.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: You can continue being conflict avoidant, hoping that things will magically get better, waiting for someone else to fix it, or you can decide to become the protective parent that your children need.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: You can decide to do the work of increasing your capacity.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: You can decide to feel the discomfort of standing up for what's right, even when it's hard.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: Coaching is designed to level up your potential to achieve more more for yourself, more for your kids, and no one can make the choice for you not your lawyer, not your counsellor, not your psychologist, not me.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: You have to decide, but when you do decide, when you make that commitment to becoming the protective parent that your kids deserve, I'm here to help you every step of the way.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: If what I've shared today resonates with you, if you're ready to stop being conflict avoidant and start being protective, I want to invite you to take action right now.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: Head to my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau, join the wait list for the post-separation parenting blueprint and consider booking a one-on-one session, again about the blueprint.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: This comprehensive course is going to give you everything that you need to make confident, child-focused decisions based on evidence rather than fear.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: I'm launching this soon, in September 2025, and I want the parents who are serious about transformation to be the first to know about it.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: So people who get on the wait list will get access to exclusive early bird pricing.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: You'll be the first to know when it.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: So people who get on the wait list will get access to exclusive early bird pricing.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: You'll be the first to know when it's officially launching and, as I said, you also get the free mini guide and mini private podcast episode around the five most critical mistakes that I see people making post-separation.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: Those resources are designed to help you on your transformation journey immediately.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: Don't wait for things to get you on your transformation journey immediately.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Don't wait for things to get better on their own.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Don't wait for someone else to jump in and fix it.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Your kids need you.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: They need you to step up and become the protective parent that they deserve.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: The choice is yours.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: What are you going to choose?
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: It's wonderful to be back.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: In the next episode, please join me.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: I'll be diving into why most post-separation parenting advice gets it wrong.