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Know Your Body with Valda Ford on Authentic Living with Roxanne · Authentic Living

0:31
Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne on Global Voice Radio.
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Join Roxanne Derhodge and her thought provoking conversations, the catalyst to live your life
0:42
to the fullest.
1:16
So hi, everyone.
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It's, Roxanne Derhodge again.
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So glad you could join me on my second podcast with one of my the most special people that I
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know in, my field of speaking and, someone who's an an amazing author.
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So as you know, my book is, on relationships.
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So my guests that I feel honored that they give me this time to come in and speak to me are
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gonna talk about, everything related to relationships.
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So, of course, I I often say that as soon as we open our our eyes, we're in relationships
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because we have a relationship with ourselves and everyone that we come in contact with.
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So welcome, Valda Ford.
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Valda, thanks so much.
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Valda is in North Carolina.
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So she's little ways away from me here in Niagara Falls.
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Abalda's a professional speaker consultant and an author.
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She's worked in over 60 countries include proving both health and vulnerability.
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She works to change conversations about sexual health, decrease incidences of sexually
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transmitted diseases and helps parents.
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I think one of the most important things, about how to teach and talk about sex because I think
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Unfortunately, that seems to be an issue that a lot of people struggle with today.
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Valda, is one of the people that has one of those massive following on Facebook.
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She has a half a million people following her, amongst the other things that she does with
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her, following, on Sex is not for Sissy.
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So, Paula, thanks so much for taking the time today.
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And, welcome, welcome, and I I look forward to the inspiration that you're gonna share with us
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today.
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So tell me tell me a little bit about, you know, I'm sure you're probably a great quite
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the opener at a a cocktail party when you say, oh, tell me how you got into sex.
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So tell me a little bit about, your journey and kind of what got you involved in this, I would
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say, a quite a small subspecialty in in your career.
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It was actually I was doing a talk in in Illinois, and I was having a great time talking
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to people about living, laughing, and loving.
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And at the end of the talk, a woman came up to me who was seventy four years old and was
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talking about her fears, she was a recent widow.
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Her husband had died 3 years ago, and now she was filing kind of back in the scene.
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And she was concerned about the idea of intimacy.
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Imagine if you've been with the same person and the only person for over 50 years, and now
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here's a new challenge.
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So I talked to her about some things, and she just kept whining and complaining as it looked
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Sex is not for sixties.
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If you're gonna do it, you gotta put on your big girl panties or maybe take off your big
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girl panties and find a way to do it and do it safely.
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She didn't understand that there were any safety issues for people who were in their 70s.
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Additionally, I was working for a county health system and actually a state health system where
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they had some really bad numbers for gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HIV.
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They asked me to come in and help change the conversation So I got started on my quest to
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learn as much as possible to get certificates in advanced sexual health literacy therapy on
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HIV prevention, and that's how I came to where I am now.
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Wow.
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Awesome.
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So, you know, you're I'm sure with different parts of the world, and I know you have a big
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falling in different parts of, Zagana and Sarah Leon, in places that I would think that, this
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subject mean, in North America, we think we're pretty open.
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But sometimes what we find is a lot of people may not have a lot of real and I'm gonna use
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the word technical.
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I'm sure people will giggle know how, but in different parts of the world, what is your
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experience around this whole element of sexuality and be to your body?
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I find that even in the United States, I am constantly surprised and disappointed at what
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we don't know.
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Even though we seem to be in a highly sexualized society, we are still not in an
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educated society as it relates to sex.
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But in other parts of the world, it's even worse because our exposure here may lead us to
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things that are not correct, but at least it leads us to something But I have people who
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want to know what does it feel like when your menstrual cycle starts, or they don't know the
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difference between isolation and menstruation and ejaculation.
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I I spent a lot of literally, I had a woman the other day ask me, is it possible to get
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pregnant if you're not ovulating?
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And my question back to her was, well, you have to ovulate because when the egg releases.
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And I said, but how do you know that you're not ovulating?
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Is it a lack of a a period?
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And she says, well, I mean, you know, when my boyfriend leases on my belly, I wanna know if I
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can get pregnant.
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So she was talking about ejaculation, but using the word ovulation.
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So I
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had to be very careful when I talk to people to back them down.
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I try not to dumb down what I'm saying.
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But I start where I think they are, and then I just ratchet them back down till I get until I
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get to what they really mean.
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Because, you know, I've told you some of the stories, But the thing is that I don't know
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anyone who really is sexually educated.
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I talked to a group of well educated, well- to do women in a resort area recently.
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And I asked them how many of them had had sex education from their parents.
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And none of them said so.
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Even one woman said that her mother was an OBGY and nurse she hadn't really talked to her about
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sex, that they'd had some really lame education from the school system or learn on their own.
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I had 45 minutes with them as part of a conference.
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They said, please come back.
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Please come and do a day.
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Please come and do a weekend so that we can learn more.
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And that's what I find everywhere I go.
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It doesn't matter which country I'm in.
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It goes from bad to horrible.
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Wow.
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And I think, you know, even I can think of women, like, you know, when you get together, a
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little, you know, cocktail party professionally, not professionally, but, you
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know, your girlfriends.
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And people will start to talk, and you can tell sometimes that people want to know certain
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things but they're kind of afraid of task.
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It's like, well, I kinda wanna know what the difference is between this and this, but maybe
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I'll kinda walk around the topic because I don't wanna make it look like I'm, you know,
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I'm fifty years old.
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How can I not know this?
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So is that something that you find a lot?
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Like, a lot of people might want to know, different things about orgasm, you know, the
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big over, which nobody wants to talk about, or that they talk to each time.
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What what kind of things come up?
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When you have these conversations, like, with these retreats and stuff like that.
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It goes both ways.
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There are those who are charming at the bit to ask the question because they feel like they're
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in a safe and enough space to ask it, and there are others who are too embarrassed.
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So when I have a seminar, when I have retreat, I always get them to ask their questions on 3
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by 5 cards.
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So I can ask them in turn from the stage anonymously.
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So they don't have to worry.
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The ones that are more confident will say, that was my question, and here's the other part.
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But the rest are like, oh, I'm glad somebody else Cadora.
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I know it was me, but I'm not gonna say so.
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Yeah.
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It it goes it goes both ways.
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But one, the the most compelling one is when you talk about orgasm, I was in Kansas looking
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at a retreat center, and the one who handled the retreat center said, oh, I know what you
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talk about, and I know what you're gonna be doing this weekend.
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Can I ask you a question?
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And I said, sure.
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She says, well, I think my husband is going to lead me.
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And I was thinking, oh, no.
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You need to be talking to Roxanne and the relationship.
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This is not okay, wheel well.
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And she says, well, he's gonna leave me because he can't satisfy me.
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And so I was taking him back.
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I thought, wow.
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You are one of those people where he's worried about not satisfying you.
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Most people are saying he's not caring if he's satisfies me or not.
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And I asked the question.
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Why is it that you think you're not getting there?
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What are you doing?
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She says, well, I asked him to go ahead and get his pleasure and then come back and satisfy me.
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I said, honey, you are going about this.
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When a man has released when he has ejaculated, usually, one of 2 things is gonna happen.
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He's gonna get a sandwich or he's gonna go to sleep.
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You know, I said it's behind you.
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And that's the reality.
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So as we got more and more into the question, I said, well, tell me what is it that you're
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doing?
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And she was like, what do you mean?
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Well, how do you direct him to help you?
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Because most of them will say, oh, I was so close.
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I was so close.
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I was so close.
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And then it ended.
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Cause it's a position thing, or it might be any number of reasons why you're not there, but
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when you're that close, and it doesn't happen.
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Right.
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You have to help your partner understand how to get you there.
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So I said, do you mask to make.
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Oh, I thought he was gonna just have a seizure.
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Do you masturbate?
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Oh, I said, well, 80% of women, up to 80% of women do not achieve orgasm through penetrative
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sex only.
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They have to have some some kind of direct clitoral stimulation or stimulation of the
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erectile tissue And she was just looking at me like, what?
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I said, so with your clitoris, she said, that is where you pee.
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Right?
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And my heart was broken.
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I was like, no.
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You're fifty years old, and you don't know where your clitoris is.
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So I went through a very convoluted attempt to explain where her clitoris was.
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And 5 minutes later, she still didn't know.
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I was talking to a focus group of women later to test some things out on.
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And when I told them this story, they said, why didn't you just pull down your pants and show
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her?
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Well, that's it.
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You might have gotten arrested, but that would've worked.
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Yeah.
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Exactly.
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I'm dedit I'm dedicated to my calls, but it doesn't include me stripping.
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People my honeypot.
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You know what I'm saying?
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So, ultimately, I said, I tried everything.
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And I said, here's my card.
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Give me a call.
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We can do a Zoom call.
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I can show you some things.
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I can direct you to some websites.
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She never called me.
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Mhmm.
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But this is the thing.
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A great many women don't have orgasm or don't have it for years years years, and they may
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stumble upon it when we think that the only way they can get to it is with a vibrator or
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through self stimulation, but partners are desperate to to participate in that.
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And I can see why her husband was so disappointed because he was feeling like less
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of a pain because he couldn't satisfy her.
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And she did not know that rather than being that passive, whatever you do is okay.
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Alright.
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If you're alright.
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He was just saying, please.
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Just give me a clue.
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Like for you as a therapist.
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Can people come in with them having trouble, but they don't tell you what.
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It's like they're expecting you to take after crystal ball.
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And I feel sorry for lovers and especially male lovers.
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Who are trying to figure it out because we women are so messed up with just take care of
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the man.
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You're being selfish if you, such and such.
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Well, you might embarrass him if you tell him you're not satisfying, but you have to come
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together to talk about This is what I need.
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You need to be able to laugh about sex.
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Everybody's so caught up.
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Oh my goodness.
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I I released too soon.
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I didn't get here.
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That heard or that made funny noises.
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Who cares?
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Fun.
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It's practice.
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Just get practice.
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And I think, you know, that's the important thing.
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That's I think often time happens is, you know, there's such such media about, you know, every
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time I have sex, I should orgasm, and people are forgetting actual elements of connection.
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And Yeah.
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So I, you know, I often say to people, you know, how connected were you to yourself as you
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were younger, you know, and people will tell me, unfortunately, I hear, you know, kind of
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mundane stories or normal stories you know, peep some people that grew up in really, really
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good homes and then people that were very, you know, exposed to a complete disconnection.
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So in turn, try to have them think about and so the thought of even getting connected by
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touching your body would be like, hold up.
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I can't what do you mean?
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I don't even feel comfortable taking my clothes off in front of myself.
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So that concept of of really trying to get it becomes very, very, sometimes it's a long,
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process for me to get them to even get comfortable within themselves.
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So I would think with you as an, someone that teaches about sex, you're looking at probably
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comfortability with themselves.
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You Absolutely.
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Moral what about the moral kind of implications?
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Like, you know, of you know, I'm gonna go to hell in a handbasket if I touch myself, all
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those kind of heredic kind of, things that you must hear that really makes people feel that
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they can't enjoy their body.
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If I'm a godlike person, you know, should I be touching my body?
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And what kind of things have you heard about that?
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Oh my goodness.
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Because I work with people from so many countries, and I have people from at least 50
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countries who are on my sites.
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I get full range.
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I get the people who will ask about masturbation.
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They're afraid that it's gonna keep them from enjoying sex period.
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They're afraid that they're going to be going through hell and damnation.
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They're thinking that they're horrible people.
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And then when they asked me, especially on the public site, the number of people who come on
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and condemn them.
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So I've made it a policy.
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There will be no condemnation here.
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Everyone is here to talk to ask But still, sometimes I have to go offline with them to
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talk to let them know that from the time we are born to the time that we are die, dying, we
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want sexual pleasure.
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I mean, little babies will comfort themselves by stroking themselves.
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They don't know that it's wrong.
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Yeah.
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And is it wrong?
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And people confuse things in the Bible.
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And I don't wanna get too deep and go too far, but even the idea of masturbation typically
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comes back to Old NAND, and many people call it ononism, where On NAND was told by god to go in
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and impregnate the widow of his brother so that she could continue his line.
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And these people would, you know, rise up and be good.
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But he didn't wanna do it because he felt like he wanted his own children to be the ones to
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inherit the earth.
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So he went in with her.
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The way it says is he went in with her.
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Which typically means he had sex with her, but he released his seed on the ground.
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Now people just get totally caught him in that, and they think that that means he was
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masturbating.
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To me, it means he just had release.
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He used he used the withdrawal method in order to not impregnate her, but she wouldn't have
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been stupid enough to not know he was having sex with her or No.
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He was not having sex with her.
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I'm getting confused in my grammar now, but you know what I mean?
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Yeah.
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So the point is that people get caught up in that passage But when I was growing up, I used
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to hear, women telling young boys that, oh, you're gonna grow hair on the palms of your
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hands.
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You're gonna go blind and all sorts of things that related to having masturbatory episodes.
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And even to make them feel worse about having a wet dream.
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I have people from different parts of the world who feel like If you have a wet dream, if you
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ejaculate in your sleep, then that means you have spiritual wife who is endangering your
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spiritual health.
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Wow.
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I'm like, you know, this is just your brain working at night and your body going along with
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it.
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It typically goes away when you come more mature and are more sexually active is just
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your body.
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Your body is supposed to create small people.
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So it's saying, hey.
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Imagine how this feels.
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What would it feel like if you were with someone else?
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And what you thought?
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No.
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No.
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No.
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No.
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No.
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But guess what?
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No amount of sex education has ever kept no amount of, abstinence teaching.
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Has ever kept people from getting pregnant.
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It has not decreased the teen pregnancy rate.
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It has not decreased anything because they're gonna do it.
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Why not teach them the right way?
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Mhmm.
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Get them your value sets instead of saying, just say no.
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Right.
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Right.
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So that's a good one.
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That's a good one.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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This is natural, but just wait until you're ready for the consequences of having a 24 hour
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a day, small person requiring your time, your money, your energy, and changing your whole
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life.
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And that's what they do even though we love them, but that's what they do.
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Right.
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Exactly.
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And I think, again, going back to that whole and, you know, sense of connection, oftentimes
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people or parents that will come to me, they struggle themselves with connection to
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themselves So the whole concept that I'm in turn now going to teach them something that I
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really don't know myself and I'm sure as hell not gonna let them know that I don't know, and
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I'm gonna give them some information, which is probably gonna confuse the child even more.
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So with parents, what when you, you know, you said, like, it's a natural instinct.
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It happens in your sleep.
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You know, babies come into the world and they touch themselves to comfort themselves.
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You that's a very nice warm way of saying, you know, that's that's the body that we've been
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given and to accept it for what it is.
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So when you when you talk to parents, what are some of the tips that you give them around,
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let's say, you know, I know RJ started to ask me about things that almost make me, you know,
19:43
kind of go off the road sometimes when I'm driving, but I've always say be very open, and
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I would try my best And if I can't explain it, I'll I'll come back to you.
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So what kind of things do you, you know, like eight, nine year olds?
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They kinda come up with these things sometimes.
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Right?
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What kind of advice do you give to parents, for kids around that age?
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Cause I think at that point of becoming more aware, the peers are starting to talk about you
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know, stuff.
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And they they have no generally, they don't have a context or information.
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So what detail, parents, how to deal with that?
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Actually, I tell them to start sooner.
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I tell them that from the time of birth to start talking about the body as natural.
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To start talking about the fact that here is the correct name for this body part while
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explaining to them that it might not be social except socially acceptable to say penis in your
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kindergarten class.
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You might say we, we, or willy, but teach them what it is so that they know.
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And to give them that sense of, well, I know more than you do.
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Also, teach them what is inappropriate touch when your neighbor or someone at the school, or
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just a random stranger decides they wanna hug your child or keep them on their lap a little
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too long.
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Then you say, no.
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This kind of hugging is just for mom and daddy.
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And if anyone else is doing it, let me know.
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Because the thing is that puberty can start as early as age 89.
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Right.
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So if we wait to age eight and nine and the body is giving those signals that, woohoo, we
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should do something.
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We should make small people and we have not given them any tools to fight it.
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Their confusion and the peer pressure that may come or the embarrassment from not knowing may
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lead them not have.
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In the world, the earliest known case of a fully live birth vaginal delivery was for a
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child who was less than six years old.
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And, of course, it was, yes, that was precocious puberty where the body got started
21:44
too soon with produce producing the hormones.
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It was also incestuous behavior, which is horrible.
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But she was less than six years old and had a child.
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There are many cases in North America and the rest of the world of eight year olds delivering
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full term babies.
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So we can't wait until 8 or 9 even though we would like to.
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We're looking at our little, soft, fuzzy people who are just worried about things like minions
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and baseball and fairy godmothers, and we have to tell them this is your body.
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We have to talk to them the same way we talk to them about brushing their teeth.
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We really fixate on making sure our kids save their teeth or we buy braces and orthodontia.
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And guess what?
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If they lose all their teeth, they can get a whole set of dentures.
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But If they have a baby at age eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, their lives are changed,
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probably not positively for the rest of their lives.
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Absolutely.
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So
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Yeah.
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I just say to the parents, be prepared that they're gonna ask questions.
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And at whatever stage they ask a question, answer the question.
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And if you don't know the correct answer, just say, oh, you know what?
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Mommy or daddy has to think about that.
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And then go find something.
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Come back to talk to them.
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Nine times out of 10, if they're under ten years of age, they're gonna have forgotten that
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they even ask you the question.
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What are you talking about?
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So you give them a little bit of information to satisfy them, but you prepare to give them the
23:14
next level.
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For instance, if a six year old is seeing someone who's pregnant, and say, mom, why's her
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belly so big?
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You don't say, well, she's just fat.
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Or god gave her that baby or only married couples have babies.
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It's not the truth.
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You say she's going to have a baby.
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Most of the time, you know what?
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They say, oh, that's cool.
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And they move right on.
23:35
So the the thing for parents to understand is to be ready to teach at the level that the kids
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want, and they're so many wonderful books to help you know how to have the conversation, how
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far to go.
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And if you happen to have precocious or brilliant child who wants to know everything,
23:54
then you just need to be looking at a higher age level for how to teach them.
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But use their guide to take you where they need to go.
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Absolutely.
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And I think that's what I often say to parents.
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You know, who may see nothing at all, which, you know, forces the child to go get
24:13
information elsewhere, which oftentimes is erroneous because their source probably knows a
24:18
little bit and kind of, like, the extrapolate from there and then the transfer
24:22
to almost.
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They don't know anything.
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They don't know anything they they do, but you're right.
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They get it from someone who knows nothing who who extracts uploaded, or they go into porn
24:34
sites, which is the worst possible education because none of that is real.
24:39
It's just acting and editing but they don't know.
24:41
So young the the questions I get the most from men are how can I increase my penis size, which
24:48
Why are they feeling the pressure to increase their penis size?
24:52
90% of them who want to increase the size of their penis have at least a 5 inch penis, which
24:58
is completely in the normal Roxanne.
25:01
And then they wanna know how can they last longer?
25:04
They're thinking that they need to last an hour and I tell them, look, no one wants you
25:08
pounding on them for an hour.
25:09
That is a fantasy we have early on, but after the reality kicks in about it, ma'am, ma'am,
25:14
ma'am, ma'am, for an hour.
25:16
Come on.
25:17
Who wants that?
25:18
Nobody.
25:19
So all of this comes from the stresses of watching porn and seeing men who are, you know,
25:27
10 inches long and this big, looking like farm animals coming at you, like, oh, god.
25:32
Stay away from me.
25:34
And and their lasting, it seems like an hour, but it's just empty.
25:39
Mhmm.
25:39
Absolutely.
25:40
You know, it's interesting.
25:42
And, I do get a fair amount of people in my practice that come around, porn addiction.
25:49
And, So biologically, neurologically, we know that's what happens with the brain, and I'm
25:55
sure you could probably speak a lot to that is that In fact, neuro pathways in the brain
25:59
actually cut off when, people are using, you know, an element of, you know, to stimulate
26:06
their brain sexually.
26:07
So when they see a normal looking woman in front of them, they're not gonna be able to get
26:12
an aroused or it's, you know, about this position or this or that or this toy or
26:17
whatever.
26:18
So, a lot of men will call me up and they'll say, you know, well, I have an issue with porn.
26:23
And then I start to deal with, you know, the issues related to why they started to use the
26:27
porn in the first place, which oftentimes has nothing to do with sex.
26:30
And then but then they might be trying to get into a relationship, but they're not getting
26:35
aroused.
26:35
And then they're, you know, they're not enjoy the live specimen right in front of them
26:39
because they're not getting aroused, and then they're going back and they're stimulating
26:42
themselves with porn, which first further puts it further further away from what they what
26:46
with Indeed.
26:48
Yeah.
26:48
I know a lot of studies have shown that the more porn you watch, the more it takes, such
26:53
like any drug, So if your brain is conditioned to having this certain kind of escalation, and
27:00
it's just like the first time people use crack, you're trying to get that first sensation
27:04
again, which you cannot.
27:06
It's the surprise and everything else, but then men are worried about premature ejaculation
27:13
because they don't see anyone in porn ejaculating prematurely.
27:17
And this is so normal, especially early on, And you know with sex and everything else, the more
27:22
you stress about it, the more it becomes stressful.
27:25
And you get in this terrible cycle, this loop that you can't get out of, And those people who
27:30
are using porn, I mean, I don't say you can't ever watch porn, but if you're watching porn,
27:36
periodically as just something.
27:38
Let's just see what's happening or let's see how X Y Z would try this thing.
27:44
That's okay.
27:45
But if you're saying, Okay.
27:46
Let's sit down.
27:46
We gotta watch this form first.
27:48
And I gotta get to the certain stage, and then I can just jump on you knowing that that
27:53
partner is probably fantasizing about person who was on the screen, it's not gonna do me any
27:58
good.
27:58
I can tell you.
27:59
Right.
28:00
Right.
28:00
And I think it that's the thing.
28:02
I think it goes back to the same things, whether it's a man or a woman, it's about
28:06
connection to yourself.
28:07
Right?
28:07
And if you're using something, like, what whatever it is, if you had food or a substance,
28:13
or in this case, you know, the internet, which unfortunately is becoming more of an issue, in
28:17
our society, then it further distracts people.
28:20
Right?
28:20
You know, like you said, periodically, not a big deal.
28:23
But if it becomes the go to, which is oftentimes what ends up happening, and I see
28:27
couples struggling with that because maybe they started to use it, and then it becomes kind of
28:32
something they use all the time.
28:33
And then they kind of, like, you know, looking at each other and they're not able to get into
28:37
that space just to be And I, you know, I often say it's about connection to yourself.
28:43
So what what what are some kind of things, that people can actually do?
28:49
To connect to themselves that would allow them to bring, you know, bring their game, you know,
28:54
bring their game to the table kind of thing because it's it's just it's a natural process.
28:59
It happens.
28:59
It happens a certain way.
29:00
It doesn't happen a certain way.
29:02
Sometimes you want different types of sex.
29:04
You want different sex stimulation.
29:06
What what would you suggest and maybe males and females are different.
29:09
Maybe you could speak to that, but what kind of things can people do just to get more grounded
29:13
within themselves so that when they are with a partner that can enjoy to the fullest.
29:18
Number 1, I think that they have to learn how to get out of their own way If you've been
29:24
working all day long, you can't go straight from work to sex.
29:29
And that's what people think, oh, I almost chime.
29:31
I only have 20 minutes.
29:32
I have to do No.
29:35
Individuals male or female find a time to have a barrier between here and here.
29:42
Come in, take a shower, a bubble bath, have a massage, sit and listen to romance, not
29:49
hardcore porn, but listen to something that puts you in the mind of, wow, I feel great.
29:56
When you're doing it for yourself, permanently, male and female, especially without this body
30:01
dysmorphia going on, you should enter the habit of looking in the mirror and saying, I look
30:07
great.
30:07
Not like, oh, I wish my neck was a little more firm, or my breasts were up, or I wish my belly
30:13
was flatter.
30:14
If you stop objectifying yourself, then you will be able to love yourself.
30:19
People who are in relationships tell me that they love people who are confident.
30:25
When you're worrying about, oh my god.
30:27
I don't want the light on or please put the covers on, or can I take my clothes off, or
30:31
Don't touch me there because I have a role, then you're getting in your own way?
30:36
So in order to not get in the way with your partner, you have to stop getting in and what
30:41
yourself, your self talk needs to be positive.
30:45
I am a good person.
30:46
I have done good things.
30:47
I love my body.
30:48
If I have lines on my belly.
30:51
I called them my Tigra stripes.
30:53
I earned them by having that big bouncing baby boy, and I wouldn't give them back for any
30:59
reason because he is the joy of my life.
31:02
So when you look at and think about who are the people who made these decisions that are
31:07
breast, have to be a number of centimeters from our collarbone, and that our breasts have to be
31:13
a certain difference from what our waist measurement is, and our hip measurement is.
31:17
And We're not tall enough or short enough.
31:19
Whatever, this is stuff that is made by marketing industries to sell things And when
31:26
you recognize that they're just trying to sell you out of yourself so that you will buy their
31:32
products, you will come better.
31:34
Also, about touch, I have women who have come to me late with cancer of the breast because
31:41
they won't even touch their breast to do a self exam.
31:45
So I say to them.
31:46
Yeah.
31:47
I mean, that's really sad, but it's because they've been taught.
31:49
They shouldn't do it.
31:51
Touch your body.
31:52
You bathe your body.
31:53
You don't have to just have an orgasm from bathing, but you shouldn't be like, oh, I gotta
31:58
rush past this place.
31:59
Because as a diagnostic tool, as you learn your body, as you look at your body, perhaps you'll
32:05
see skin cancer on your back because you actually looked Perhaps you will find things
32:11
because your partner is looking along with you.
32:13
You can't find these things under the covers.
32:16
So just get to say to yourself I am a great person.
32:20
I have a beautiful body.
32:22
However, it is, I love it.
32:24
And the person who loves you surely loves it because they don't have to be there.
32:28
And stop by into the marketing hype and body dysmorphia.
32:33
Absolutely.
32:34
And I think it's on.
32:35
So you're so right when you say that.
32:36
Right?
32:36
We are, you know, so unique and everybody has, you know, their beauty.
32:41
And but, again, it's going back to some basics.
32:44
What I find men or women.
32:46
It's like mostly women, because women will come more to speak to someone like myself in
32:51
relationships.
32:51
They'll talk about their imperfections.
32:53
And if there's constantly thinking I'm no good.
32:55
I'm not pretty enough.
32:56
I'm not smart enough.
32:57
I'm not I'm fat or this or I'm that.
33:00
By the time they even get to the point, those thoughts go into feelings and it goes into kind
33:05
of putting their body into a a, you know, dysregulated state.
33:08
And then, you know, and then you're kinda trying to then enjoy someone else, you know,
33:13
you're not even in your own space.
33:15
It's tough to be open.
33:17
So some things that I suggest is just a different mindfulness strategies that will
33:21
allow them or which is along the line of masturbation, which is ready.
33:25
If I can understand what I'm doing to stand in my own way and I learn to get out of my way,
33:31
even though it's uncomfortable at first, then it allows me to be able to, you know, embrace
33:36
any kind of, connection that I have with someone, you know,
33:42
And the other, you know, the other thing too, though, is if you have more difficulty getting
33:47
there on your own, right, and believing about touching yourself, I tell couples to do
33:53
intimate touch exercises.
33:55
And this has the the end result is not sex at all.
34:00
It is not at all, and they should not even try to have sex.
34:04
But just sit in a room with the temperature, the right temperature.
34:08
So you're not too cold or too hot and get naked.
34:12
If you are not comfortable yet with the lights being on and being naked, sit in the dark, sit
34:17
next to each other and just have exercises to touch each other.
34:21
This is nonessential touch.
34:23
It is just touching each other.
34:25
Because you remember when you were first dating someone or found a person you love and when
34:30
they touched you that first time, It didn't matter where they touched you, but when their
34:35
finger touched you, you were just like, ah, you can get back to that by mindfully thinking
34:41
about I want to touch again.
34:44
I'm not trying to get to the home run, and that's what happens.
34:47
People like, oh, let's get to the sex.
34:49
No.
34:49
Let's get to touching, feeling, relating to each other.
34:53
And so many couples will come back to me to say, We just sat in the dark and touched each
34:59
other, and I can tell you that's the closes we felt in 10 years.
35:03
And then they gradually move up.
35:05
To where they're getting to sensual touch and then to sexual touch and then being very
35:11
specific about what they want but they have to get rid of all that old baggage that's saying,
35:16
oh, I don't want them to touch me because I'm fatter.
35:18
I don't want her to touch me because I got a beer good or, etcetera.
35:22
And, you know, I I often and, you know, if there's a research study that I recently read
35:26
and it talked a little bit about even people being single, that go for massages, that touch
35:32
of the massage releases oxytocin, which is the connection that we all need, right, and
35:37
ultimately you think about a baby, you know, when a baby comes into the world, what what do
35:42
we do?
35:42
We we swaddle them.
35:44
We touch them.
35:44
We listen to their cries.
35:46
And really at the end of the day as a therapist, what I say is that we're all looking
35:50
for that reconnection of some sorts.
35:52
We're looking to to feel health, you know, someone cares for me.
35:57
Somebody desires me.
35:58
Somebody thinks I'm I'm okay.
35:59
Just the way I am.
36:01
But I think, unfortunately, you're right.
36:02
People get so caught up and life can be stressful as we know, but at the end of the
36:07
day, it's about taking that investing that time, and making it special in some way Whether
36:13
it's that you just touch and you spend time.
36:16
And then eventually you touch and, you know, you you take time, you take steps, or it
36:20
doesn't have to be on a Tuesday night at about 7:30 come upstairs and we have 20 minutes.
36:25
That's kinda like, you know, something off to the to do list.
36:28
It's it's, then of course, and then the monotony kind of kicks in and a lot of couples
36:32
will lose interest and then try to, you know, they'll probably prefer to watch something on
36:36
Netflix instead of spending time with their partners so we could see that it's ready.
36:40
Novel stuff that happens with couples, but they're they're not talking about it.
36:45
And because they're not talking about it, it ends up being something bigger in the long run.
36:50
Which can be sometimes become too big, or too catastrophic where they kinda can't pull each
36:57
other in again.
36:58
So, Balda, if you could, if you could, tell people where to get a hold of you, I I'm sure,
37:05
like, you know, you know, with me since I met you, I love I love to be able to follow what
37:09
you do.
37:10
And I would love the people listening that are wanting to be able to coach with you or to be
37:15
able to, you know, follow you on Facebook.
37:17
I know you do a lot on Facebook and, just about different things that may be coming up for you.
37:23
If you wanted to let them know where they could get a hold of you, where you are on Facebook
37:28
and any other social media or direct contact.
37:30
I'm sure people would reach out because I'm sure there's a lot of people that will be
37:34
listening to this that will have way too many questions that they're sure not gonna call in
37:39
about.
37:39
To give them an opportunity to be able to do that with you, 1 to 1.
37:44
I agree.
37:44
There are a number of ways.
37:46
One is my Facebook page 6 is not for SISES, s I s s I e s, that is an open forum for people
37:55
from 50 Countries, but there is a private message section.
37:59
Also, they can email me at valda@valda4.com I'm on the radio.
38:06
I have Texas, not for Sissie's radio on the Ear radio network.
38:10
There are many podcasts they can check out there.
38:13
Additionally, I'm on the radio every first Sunday on 102 jams, which is a hip hop and R
38:19
and B station, which expands my reach into a younger, more urban group.
38:24
Every first Sunday, you can get that on the tune in app.
38:28
And you can Just get in touch with me.
38:31
If you Google me or you look for me on Facebook, you'll find me in any number of ways,
38:36
but feel free to do the sexist time for Sissies on Facebook.
38:40
Because if you send me a private message, I will respond to it.
38:44
And I can answer your question openly or privately, and I can set up coaching sessions
38:49
or retreats.
38:50
I'm setting up now a series of retreats where I'll have one with you and with another
38:55
colleague from Hilton Head we're gonna get together and we're gonna talk about how to get
39:00
what you want.
39:01
Ask for it and get what you want.
39:03
So I look forward to hearing from all of you and talking to you again soon.
39:07
Vaccine.
39:07
Awesome.
39:08
Well, thanks so much.
39:09
I know I have a lot of questions.
39:11
So, hopefully, maybe you'll come back, and, maybe we'll a little bit more, a bit about
39:17
mindfulness and actual, connections and strategies that I can, we can both share
39:22
together on our both, different ends up our, expertise and be able to hopefully give people
39:28
that are, tuning in a little bit more information.
39:30
So thanks so much, Val, as a as always a pleasure.
39:34
You know, you're just I love that smile.
39:36
You keep smiling, and, we'll connect soon.
39:39
Alright.
39:39
Take care.
39:40
Okay.
39:40
Bye bye.
39:41
Bye everyone.
39:49
Voice radio.