Latest / The You Project / #1630 Things You Should Stop Doing - Harps

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#1630 Things You Should Stop Doing - Harps · The You Project

0:01
Speaker 1: I'll get a term I hype this finds you well.
0:04
Speaker 1: So over the years, there's been a lot of behaviors
0:08
Speaker 1: and habits and ways of thinking and doing and being
0:12
Speaker 1: that not only have I been guilty of self destructive,
0:19
Speaker 1: self derailing, self limiting, toxic, life destroying at times bullshit
0:28
Speaker 1: habits and behaviors and thinking and operating, but also things
0:33
Speaker 1: that I've observed in the people that I work with,
0:35
Speaker 1: my clients, some of the athletes I've worked with, some
0:38
Speaker 1: of my employees, just being an observer of human nature
0:43
Speaker 1: and also being reasonably self aware of my own bullshit.
0:47
Speaker 1: I think there are a lot of things that we
0:49
Speaker 1: commonly do, that we typically do that really contribute to
1:01
Speaker 1: our lack of success, our stagnation, the spinning of our
1:07
Speaker 1: metaphoric wheels, our frustration, our self doubt, our lack of confidence,
1:14
Speaker 1: our lack of success, overall, our lack of happiness. And
1:21
Speaker 1: these are not complicated things that I want to share
1:24
Speaker 1: with you. In fact, some of them are extremely obvious,
1:29
Speaker 1: and despite their obviousness is that a word, Despite their obviousness,
1:36
Speaker 1: despite the simplicity of many of these, we still don't
1:43
Speaker 1: do what we know we could do, or we still
1:46
Speaker 1: self sabotage. We still get in our own way, despite
1:52
Speaker 1: knowing that the thing that we're doing is ineffective, is counterintuitive,
1:58
Speaker 1: is counterproductive, And there's a range reasons that we do
2:01
Speaker 1: that quite often because the thing that we need to do,
2:03
Speaker 1: or the thing that we need to change, or the
2:05
Speaker 1: thing that we need to own up to is scary,
2:09
Speaker 1: or it requires a lot of effort or time. And
2:15
Speaker 1: while we might consciously be aware of that, subconsciously, I
2:21
Speaker 1: think we think on some level that things will just
2:23
Speaker 1: kind of work themselves out. It's a really common kind
2:27
Speaker 1: of subconscious mindset that we feel like, you know, over time,
2:34
Speaker 1: it'll all be fine, and you know, maybe, but I
2:40
Speaker 1: know that living unconsciously not paying attention to the data
2:43
Speaker 1: and the feedback, not paying attention to our wisdom and
2:47
Speaker 1: our internal sat Nav, and not paying attention to what
2:50
Speaker 1: our body is saying, and not paying attention to what
2:53
Speaker 1: the results that we're producing in our world are telling us,
2:58
Speaker 1: that is fraught with danger. It is a terrible strategy,
3:02
Speaker 1: and it rarely produces a good outcome or outcomes over
3:05
Speaker 1: the long term. So I want to share with you
3:07
Speaker 1: I think I'll do ten today. I might do ten
3:09
Speaker 1: tomorrow see how I'm traveling. But some really simple things
3:14
Speaker 1: that if we take these simple ideas on board, if
3:17
Speaker 1: they're relevant for you, and we sorry about that banging,
3:22
Speaker 1: we operationalize them, we do something with it, it truly
3:25
Speaker 1: can change our will. So the first thing is I
3:31
Speaker 1: actually hesitated to jot this one down because it's so
3:37
Speaker 1: obvious and it might almost disappoint you in its simplicity,
3:42
Speaker 1: but nonetheless it is truly relevant, broadly relevant, and still
3:47
Speaker 1: a common mistake that people make, and that is that
3:51
Speaker 1: we simply just eat more food consistently than we need.
3:57
Speaker 1: Depending on what rich research you look at. In Australia,
4:00
Speaker 1: we're somewhere between sixty to seventy percent overweight and or obese.
4:07
Speaker 1: We move less typically than we used to a generation
4:11
Speaker 1: or two go. So energy expenditure has gone up a bit,
4:15
Speaker 1: not profoundly, by the way, sorry, energy intake, I should
4:19
Speaker 1: say energy intake calories in has gone up an amount,
4:26
Speaker 1: like a bit, but not hugely. But what has dropped
4:30
Speaker 1: off is energy expenditure. And so while you know, all
4:35
Speaker 1: you've got to do is jump online and look at
4:37
Speaker 1: a nutritional website, or go follow someone on fuck on Facebook,
4:41
Speaker 1: or Instagram and some dietition or exercise sorry, or food
4:44
Speaker 1: scientist or nutritionist or food guru self appointed food guru,
4:49
Speaker 1: and you can do a deep dive for fucking months
4:54
Speaker 1: in the protocols and the science and the research of
4:59
Speaker 1: this idea, this concept, this philosophy or ideology around food
5:03
Speaker 1: versus that, whether it's you know, the Mediterranean diet or
5:08
Speaker 1: Atkins back in the old day, or carnivore diet or
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Speaker 1: intermittent fasting or fill in the blank, fill in the blank.
5:20
Speaker 1: But overwhelmingly, the biggest mistake that I have seen consistently
5:26
Speaker 1: with people across the board is simply that they just
5:29
Speaker 1: put too much food, or they just put too many
5:32
Speaker 1: calories in their body consistently. And of course there are
5:35
Speaker 1: many other variables around that, Yes, many other variables that
5:39
Speaker 1: I'm not going to go into, just because I'm trying
5:43
Speaker 1: to identify just the most obvious standout thing that we
5:48
Speaker 1: can manipulate. Of course, there are other things that you know,
5:51
Speaker 1: like the quality of your calories matters. But you know,
5:54
Speaker 1: here's an unpopular truth. If I expend let's say, in this,
6:00
Speaker 1: it doesn't work like this because we don't expend the
6:02
Speaker 1: same amount of calories every day because we're doing different
6:06
Speaker 1: stuff all the time. But let's say that on average
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Speaker 1: I expend two thousand calories a day for a month,
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Speaker 1: and in that same month that I expend two thousand
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Speaker 1: calories a day on average, I eat five chocolate bars
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Speaker 1: every day, and each one of those chocolate bars is
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Speaker 1: three hundred calories, So I have fifteen hundred calories a
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Speaker 1: day in total. So there's five hundred calorie deficit or
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Speaker 1: a five hundred calorie gap between what I'm putting in,
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Speaker 1: you know, the calories and the calories I'm expending. While
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Speaker 1: this is a fucking terrible protocol from a health point
6:38
Speaker 1: of view or a nutritional value point of view, the
6:41
Speaker 1: bottom line is eating those five chocolate bars every day,
6:44
Speaker 1: I wouldn't feel very good, but I would lose weight.
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Speaker 1: Why just because there's a five hundred calorie deficit and
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Speaker 1: my body needs to get five hundred calories from somewhere.
6:55
Speaker 1: And where my body will get the calories from is
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Speaker 1: the stored energy on my body, also called fat. Right now,
7:02
Speaker 1: this is just a silly example, but I'm demonstrating to
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Speaker 1: you the fact that while there are many variables and
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Speaker 1: I'm primarily just talking about fat loss and weight loss here.
7:16
Speaker 1: But while there are many variables that influence you know,
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Speaker 1: skeletal muscle mass and metabolism and digestion and overall health
7:26
Speaker 1: and immune function and gut biome and all of those things.
7:30
Speaker 1: But if we're just looking from a perspective of how
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Speaker 1: much additional weight or fat am I carrying? The number
7:37
Speaker 1: one issue, the number one factor will always be the
7:42
Speaker 1: volume of calories that we are putting in our body.
7:46
Speaker 1: That's number one. So that's number one thing, not in
7:52
Speaker 1: order of importance, of course, but that's the first thing
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Speaker 1: that maybe we should think about if that's relevant for you.
7:59
Speaker 1: Number two is waiting for an opportunity to present itself.
8:06
Speaker 1: And we do this. We wait for someone or something
8:14
Speaker 1: to come along to recognize our brilliance or our talent,
8:19
Speaker 1: or our potential, or our amazing nature or our work ethic.
8:26
Speaker 1: And look, sometimes that happens. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes someone
8:32
Speaker 1: is going to come along and that is going to happen.
8:36
Speaker 1: But there's another option. And I'm saying, by the way,
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Speaker 1: if an opportunity does present itself, great, that's a good idea,
8:41
Speaker 1: I mean, lean into that, But a better idea than waiting.
8:45
Speaker 1: A better idea than relying on fate or chance or
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Speaker 1: happenstance or another person to recognize your potential amazingness and
8:53
Speaker 1: then to knock on your literal or metaphoric door. A
8:57
Speaker 1: better idea is to create opportunities. You to create an
9:01
Speaker 1: opportunity for yourself to make a phone call, to make
9:04
Speaker 1: a connection, to do some research, to enroll in a course,
9:08
Speaker 1: to create your own program, to start your own micro
9:12
Speaker 1: business or macro business, to do something productive and proactive,
9:20
Speaker 1: which is essentially you opening the door on growth and
9:24
Speaker 1: learning and development and evolution. You are listening to this
9:29
Speaker 1: show as a byproduct of me creating an opportunity. Nobody
9:34
Speaker 1: asked me to host a podcast. Nobody knocked on my
9:41
Speaker 1: door and said, hey, Harps, here's one thousand bucks a
9:44
Speaker 1: week for you to host a show. We're going to
9:46
Speaker 1: call it the You Project. We're going to support you,
9:50
Speaker 1: we're going to give you some producers, and we're going
9:53
Speaker 1: to help you get guests. And when nobody did that,
9:55
Speaker 1: and I'm glad they didn't, right because it was in
9:57
Speaker 1: the doing of it for myself, the creating my own opportunity,
10:00
Speaker 1: building skill building, knowledge, building relationships, figuring out the art
10:05
Speaker 1: and the science of podcasting and doing that for me
10:09
Speaker 1: that not only did we end up producing something that's
10:11
Speaker 1: pretty good still getting better, I hope, but also irrespective
10:16
Speaker 1: of what I've created and what we're doing and the
10:19
Speaker 1: impact that we are having in the community, the global community,
10:23
Speaker 1: the online community. Apart from that, I've become a better
10:28
Speaker 1: version of me along the way, and so many other
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Speaker 1: opportunities to meet great people, learn from great people, build
10:36
Speaker 1: new things. So many opportunities have come from the opportunity
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Speaker 1: that I created for myself. If something comes along great,
10:47
Speaker 1: but instead of sitting on the philosophical or metaphoric couch,
10:55
Speaker 1: we can get off that couch and we can go
10:57
Speaker 1: and knock on doors. We can make decision, we can
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Speaker 1: take action, we can get uncomfortable, we can take chances,
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Speaker 1: and we can create opportunities for ourselves. Number three on
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Speaker 1: my list of things that we should stop doing is
11:15
Speaker 1: trying to change other people. And I see this all
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Speaker 1: the time. I see this all the time. I see
11:23
Speaker 1: this and it go toally just out and about, and
11:27
Speaker 1: I see this firsthand when people come to me and
11:31
Speaker 1: ask me a question like how do I make my partner?
11:38
Speaker 1: I was going to say, how do I make my husband?
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Speaker 1: Because it's often ladies, but anyway, sometimes it's dudes. But
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Speaker 1: how do I make my person? It might be my kid,
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Speaker 1: it might be my partner, it might be one of
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Speaker 1: my parents. How do I make my fill in the
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Speaker 1: blank do this or see this, or change that or whatever.
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Speaker 1: It is a habit, a behavioral way of thinking, doing,
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Speaker 1: being existing that somebody in their world, a family member
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Speaker 1: or a friend, a lover, an intimate partner. Somebody thinks
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Speaker 1: that it's their job or responsibility to change that person,
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Speaker 1: and generally speaking, it comes from a good place. Generally,
12:21
Speaker 1: the intention, the motivation is good and I understand it.
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Speaker 1: But more often than not, or at least half the time,
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Speaker 1: I would say that intention, especially when it's operationalized day
12:42
Speaker 1: after day. That is, somebody's being poked and prodded and
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Speaker 1: coerced and challenged to be different. Invariably what happens is
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Speaker 1: something more in the negative than positive space. Trying to
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Speaker 1: change someone is a bad idea. Trying to support or
12:59
Speaker 1: encourage if they want to be supported and encouraged, can
13:04
Speaker 1: be a good thing. So we need to operate in
13:08
Speaker 1: wisdom and situational awareness and social awareness, and we need
13:12
Speaker 1: to understand the mindset and the reality and the experience
13:17
Speaker 1: of the person that we care about that we're trying
13:20
Speaker 1: to change. I have not done this in the last
13:27
Speaker 1: decade or so. I've not really tried to change anyone.
13:30
Speaker 1: But in my younger years I tried to change my parents'
13:35
Speaker 1: way of seeing things, thinking about certain things and certain
13:40
Speaker 1: behaviors and habits that were toxic, that were destructive, that
13:44
Speaker 1: were unhealthy. I did that because I loved them, but
13:48
Speaker 1: I did not change them, neither of them, my Mum
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Speaker 1: or my dad. Unfortunately, it took both of them to
13:55
Speaker 1: have massive health scares, a heart attack for Dad, an
14:00
Speaker 1: almost life ending heart attack for Dad, and about with
14:04
Speaker 1: lunk cancer for mone. Now that doesn't mean that I
14:06
Speaker 1: didn't try. I did support them, and I did try
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Speaker 1: to educate them. But for the most part, one it
14:13
Speaker 1: didn't work. And two, especially with my mum, who's very stubborn,
14:19
Speaker 1: God bless her little socks, I created more disconnection than connection.
14:24
Speaker 1: I created more problems and solutions because I was literally
14:28
Speaker 1: giving her imput and feedback that she didn't want. So really,
14:35
Speaker 1: I was trying to manipulate and control and coerce her
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Speaker 1: even though my intentions were good, I did not produce
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Speaker 1: a good outcome. Support people, love them, care for them,
14:48
Speaker 1: you know, tell them maybe once or twice, give them
14:53
Speaker 1: some input or feedback if you really think you should.
14:58
Speaker 1: But while it off and seems like a good idea,
15:03
Speaker 1: more often than not, in my experience and anecdotal evidence,
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Speaker 1: it doesn't produce a good outcome. Another random one, This
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Speaker 1: is number four. Another random one that is just I've
15:15
Speaker 1: really become cognizant of lately. Is this propensity we have
15:24
Speaker 1: the collective we not everyone and maybe not you, but
15:27
Speaker 1: to increase spending proportionate to income. And so an example
15:35
Speaker 1: of this is I had coffee with a friend of
15:39
Speaker 1: mine that I haven't seen for a while. It was
15:43
Speaker 1: probably a couple of weeks ago now it maybe it
15:46
Speaker 1: doesn't matter recently, and I one of the things he
15:52
Speaker 1: wanted to show me was his new car. Now I
15:54
Speaker 1: don't know how much the car cost, but it wasn't cheap.
15:56
Speaker 1: It was it would have been somewhere in the Cindy
15:58
Speaker 1: of one hundred and fifty to two under grand that's
16:01
Speaker 1: a lot. And also, you know, his lifestyle ain't cheap.
16:06
Speaker 1: And what is interesting with this guy he doesn't listen
16:10
Speaker 1: to this. In fact, I don't even know that he's
16:13
Speaker 1: ever listened to a podcast. But anyway, and I told
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Speaker 1: him this, so I don't think he'd be mad with
16:19
Speaker 1: me sharing. But whatever amount of money he is making,
16:23
Speaker 1: if he's earning three x, then he'll buy a car
16:27
Speaker 1: that basically takes him to redline with his money. So
16:32
Speaker 1: he's never really getting ahead. So he's always creating a
16:37
Speaker 1: financial situation for him that is something in the ballpark
16:42
Speaker 1: of desperation of anxiety. And so if he makes more,
16:48
Speaker 1: he spends more, So he's never really getting ahead. So
16:52
Speaker 1: he doesn't need and I'm not saying do or don't,
16:55
Speaker 1: but he definitely doesn't need the two hundred thousand dollars
16:58
Speaker 1: car sixty thousand dollars car that he had. And while
17:02
Speaker 1: you might say, yeah, but what if that car gives
17:04
Speaker 1: him all the joy? And if it gives him all
17:06
Speaker 1: the joy and his life is better for having the
17:08
Speaker 1: two hundred thousand dollars car, even if it's break even
17:11
Speaker 1: on the financial front, well then I would say fuck it,
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Speaker 1: do it. But that ain't the case. There's more anxiety
17:19
Speaker 1: than joy that is coming out of this habit he
17:23
Speaker 1: has of spending everything that he earns. So this habit
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Speaker 1: that many of us have is we earn more now,
17:30
Speaker 1: we spend more on things we don't need. We spend
17:35
Speaker 1: more on things we don't need because we just have more.
17:39
Speaker 1: And so back when we were earning X, we thought, fuck,
17:42
Speaker 1: if I could just earn two X, my life would
17:44
Speaker 1: be so much better. There would be so much less
17:47
Speaker 1: financial pressure. But what we do is we end up,
17:50
Speaker 1: sometimes in the not too distant future, earning two or
17:53
Speaker 1: three X, only to find ourselves now spending two or
17:56
Speaker 1: three X. And we're in the same situation, sometimes times
18:00
Speaker 1: worse because the pressure is even more because if perchance
18:04
Speaker 1: I lose this job, now I'm fucked because my financial
18:07
Speaker 1: commitment is huge, whereas it was just big. Okay, So
18:12
Speaker 1: that idea of or the habit that we have of
18:16
Speaker 1: earning more and spending more, I'm not saying you shouldn't
18:22
Speaker 1: do it. I personally don't think it's great idea, and
18:25
Speaker 1: I've just seen many people do it, who who continue
18:29
Speaker 1: to put themselves in a not just financial state, but
18:32
Speaker 1: a psychological and an emotional state of anxiety over money.
18:38
Speaker 1: And it's self created. It's self created. So number four
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Speaker 1: is unnecessarily increasing spending proportionate to income so that we
18:52
Speaker 1: can never get ahead. The next one I'm not going
18:58
Speaker 1: to bang on about because I've spoken about it a
19:02
Speaker 1: lot on this show, but it still is important. And
19:04
Speaker 1: that is the habit that many of us have of
19:08
Speaker 1: assuming that if I understand something what I'm saying, then
19:12
Speaker 1: you will understand what I'm saying, the assumption that my
19:17
Speaker 1: good intention will be your good experience because I assume
19:22
Speaker 1: that you will think what I think will I assume that,
19:28
Speaker 1: even though I might not say it out loud, but
19:31
Speaker 1: we operate on the subconscious assumption that people think like us.
19:36
Speaker 1: Call that false consensus effect. I've spoken about it recently.
19:41
Speaker 1: And what we don't do is we don't try to
19:43
Speaker 1: understand the gap between our thinking and their thinking. We
19:49
Speaker 1: don't try to understand their version of this moment. We
19:52
Speaker 1: don't try to understand. Okay, so we're in a conversation,
19:56
Speaker 1: We're having a conversation or a negotiation, or an interaction,
19:59
Speaker 1: or an moment in time me and another human what
20:03
Speaker 1: is this experience? What is this moment? What is this
20:06
Speaker 1: conversation for them? Not for me? For them? Which is
20:11
Speaker 1: why one person will walk away thinking that was a productive, successful,
20:18
Speaker 1: effective interaction, and the other person will walk away thinking
20:22
Speaker 1: what the fuck was that? And Person one has no
20:26
Speaker 1: idea that person two has had that experience. And as
20:30
Speaker 1: I've said many times, so it is in our interest
20:33
Speaker 1: to understand how others think, not necessarily to think like them,
20:38
Speaker 1: but to understand how they see the world, the window
20:41
Speaker 1: or the lens through which they view this problem, this conversation,
20:45
Speaker 1: this negotiation, this challenge, this role that they're doing within
20:49
Speaker 1: the organization, what you expect of them, what they expect
20:52
Speaker 1: of you, all of that stuff. Not necessarily agreeing, but understanding.
20:58
Speaker 1: When we understand other people, whether or not we align
21:02
Speaker 1: with them doesn't matter. But when we understand under other people,
21:05
Speaker 1: then the chances of us building meaningful, productive, healthy relationships,
21:11
Speaker 1: be they personal or professional, The chances of that goes
21:16
Speaker 1: through the roof. Number six is the very common mistake
21:23
Speaker 1: of confusing an idea or an intention or a wish
21:29
Speaker 1: or an aspiration or a hope with an actual plan.
21:35
Speaker 1: I mean an actual, structured, strategic, timelined plan. Okay, you
21:46
Speaker 1: want to get healthy, cool, that's not a plan. That's
21:54
Speaker 1: not a plan because it's not specific. There's no action
22:01
Speaker 1: or to do list attached to that, there doesn't seem
22:04
Speaker 1: to be any accountability or KPIs or structure or process.
22:10
Speaker 1: And while it's great to have an intention or an
22:12
Speaker 1: idea or a wish or a dream or an aspiration,
22:16
Speaker 1: until we attach a practical process to that and we
22:21
Speaker 1: start operationalizing or doing the process or leaning into the process,
22:28
Speaker 1: then we don't have a plan. We just have an
22:32
Speaker 1: idea in our head of what we would like to happen.
22:37
Speaker 1: What I would like to happen is a happy, successful life.
22:41
Speaker 1: I would like a good career. I would like a
22:43
Speaker 1: healthy body. I would like healthy relationships. I would like
22:48
Speaker 1: for the most part, to be somewhere between content and happy.
22:52
Speaker 1: Great all good wishes, all good ideas, all good in theory,
22:59
Speaker 1: how we will you create those things? How will you
23:04
Speaker 1: turn each of those intentions and ideas into real world
23:08
Speaker 1: outcomes on planet you? How will you ensure that when
23:14
Speaker 1: you're not motivated you keep going. How will you ensure
23:18
Speaker 1: that when it's not fun you will not give up?
23:21
Speaker 1: How will you ensure that three six, twelve months from
23:23
Speaker 1: now you have progressed and changed and evolved. And this
23:27
Speaker 1: idea that you're having in this moment or the intention
23:29
Speaker 1: in the moment has been transformed from a theoretical construct
23:34
Speaker 1: into a practical process that you're now in the middle of.
23:40
Speaker 1: Not having an actual real world plan is the vast
23:46
Speaker 1: majority of people. So many people want to do things,
23:50
Speaker 1: be things, create things, change things, while not actually having
23:54
Speaker 1: a practical strategy or plan to turn those theories into
23:59
Speaker 1: real world outcomes. The next one is the very common habit,
24:09
Speaker 1: I guess or mindset perhaps that some of us have,
24:13
Speaker 1: or maybe all of us have at times of looking
24:17
Speaker 1: for somebody to basically fix us, solve us, or save us.
24:25
Speaker 1: And while it's great to have a support crew, it's
24:27
Speaker 1: great to have people who are on our team in
24:31
Speaker 1: inverted commas to inspire or love us or help us
24:39
Speaker 1: at times. Ultimately, we are the authors of our own stories.
24:45
Speaker 1: Ultimately we are the drivers of our own metaphoric bus.
24:52
Speaker 1: And it's up to me on planet me. It's up
24:55
Speaker 1: to me to make the decisions to solve my problems,
24:59
Speaker 1: to do the work, and yes, I will lean into
25:03
Speaker 1: some relationships and some resources at times, and of course
25:08
Speaker 1: it is great to have a person or persons that
25:12
Speaker 1: can help and support, but ultimately, ultimately the person that
25:18
Speaker 1: can only make the decision and do the work and
25:22
Speaker 1: get uncomfortable and create the outcome and solve the problem
25:28
Speaker 1: that is you. Solve the problem that is me. I'm
25:31
Speaker 1: speaking for me now is me and you. It's nobody's
25:38
Speaker 1: job to make you okay. It's nobody's job to save
25:42
Speaker 1: you or solve you, or fix you. It's nobody's job.
25:47
Speaker 1: It's nobody's job to complete you, because you're not incomplete.
25:54
Speaker 1: It might be somebody's role, depending on how your life goes,
25:58
Speaker 1: to compliment you, or to come into your space, into
26:02
Speaker 1: your life, into your heart and add to your life.
26:05
Speaker 1: But they can't complete you because you're not incomplete, and
26:11
Speaker 1: they can't fix your life. Because only you can live
26:15
Speaker 1: your life. Only you can do the work. Only you
26:21
Speaker 1: can build the skills and the courage and the competence
26:24
Speaker 1: and the awareness and the resilience that you need to
26:27
Speaker 1: live your best life. So number seven is stop looking
26:33
Speaker 1: for someone to fix you, save you, solve you, or
26:36
Speaker 1: complete you. We're nearly there. Three more, we're on the
26:38
Speaker 1: home straight. Number eight I've spoken about a lot is
26:41
Speaker 1: the very happens a lot with kids and parents, This
26:46
Speaker 1: one and partners is the very common practice of having
26:52
Speaker 1: essentially the same pointless conversation over and over and over
26:57
Speaker 1: and over again, despite the fact that the last one
26:59
Speaker 1: hundred time not only didn't it work, not only wasn't
27:04
Speaker 1: there a light bulb or compliance or you know, an
27:07
Speaker 1: Aha moment or any kind of positive outcome. In fact,
27:16
Speaker 1: in general terms, it produces the opposite. It produces something
27:19
Speaker 1: more in the negative space. So we have a couple
27:23
Speaker 1: of options. Is Option one is to stop having the
27:29
Speaker 1: same conversation and shut the fuck up and walk away.
27:32
Speaker 1: That's not always possible, because sometimes those people perhaps work
27:36
Speaker 1: for us or we're responsible for them in some way.
27:41
Speaker 1: So maybe we need to have another conversation, but a
27:45
Speaker 1: different conversation. Maybe we need to use a different approach.
27:49
Speaker 1: Maybe we need to show more and share more empathy
27:52
Speaker 1: and love and kindness. Maybe we need to change the
27:55
Speaker 1: when and the how. Maybe we need to say less
28:00
Speaker 1: and listen more. Maybe we need to ask questions and
28:05
Speaker 1: not give directions. Maybe we need to try to look
28:10
Speaker 1: at the situation or the challenge, or the conversation or
28:13
Speaker 1: the apparent problem through their lens, through their windows, so
28:18
Speaker 1: that we can connect. But whatever the potential answer is,
28:23
Speaker 1: what it definitely isn't is having the same conversation the
28:28
Speaker 1: same way about the same issue with the same person
28:34
Speaker 1: when it's never worked, And having a conversation out of anger,
28:42
Speaker 1: out of frustration, out of resentment, out of desperation. None
28:48
Speaker 1: of those things are a good starting point for any conversation.
28:54
Speaker 1: Number nine is again not groundbreaking, but relevant. And people
29:02
Speaker 1: still don't have a post motivation plan. People are still
29:09
Speaker 1: limited by, or sometimes controlled by, or sometimes almost destroyed
29:17
Speaker 1: by their inability to do the work when they're not
29:22
Speaker 1: motivated to do what success whatever that means for the
29:26
Speaker 1: individual to do what success demands in the absence of
29:30
Speaker 1: the emotional state of motivation. And one of the questions
29:35
Speaker 1: I've asked many times is you know, what can you
29:38
Speaker 1: do when you can't be bothered? How effective and proactive
29:43
Speaker 1: and productive and committed and focused can you be when
29:48
Speaker 1: you don't feel like being any of it? How hard
29:54
Speaker 1: can you work when you don't want to work? Because
29:58
Speaker 1: if you only do what's required the work, the effort,
30:02
Speaker 1: the energy, the emotional, the psychological, the practical investment, if
30:09
Speaker 1: you only have those things happening when you are in
30:12
Speaker 1: the zone, when you are pumped, excited, motivated, you're never
30:17
Speaker 1: going to create lasting change. You're never going to create
30:19
Speaker 1: a new operating system. You're never going to turn those
30:22
Speaker 1: sometimes behaviors into all the time habits. Because every time
30:27
Speaker 1: you lose motivation, which for many of us is about
30:31
Speaker 1: every hour or every second day or whatever it is,
30:35
Speaker 1: we're never going to create that sustained performance and therefore
30:39
Speaker 1: the sustained results because we're constantly giving up and our
30:44
Speaker 1: behavior is determined by our emotional state on the day.
30:49
Speaker 1: The challenge for us is not to stay motivated. The
30:52
Speaker 1: challenge for us is to stay productive, effective, proactive, doing
30:58
Speaker 1: what's required when we can't be bothered. And this last
31:03
Speaker 1: one I'm going to share with you. I was listening
31:06
Speaker 1: to there's a podcast called what's called I think it's
31:12
Speaker 1: called Modern Wisdom with a guy called Chris I think
31:16
Speaker 1: Chris Williamson's interviewing a guy who is quite polarizing, Alex
31:23
Speaker 1: Hamosi I think his name is. And it was funny
31:26
Speaker 1: he was talking about he was talking about something that
31:31
Speaker 1: is a really interesting thing to think about. And I
31:35
Speaker 1: want to end with this one because I find it
31:37
Speaker 1: interesting and I've spoken to people about this before. And
31:42
Speaker 1: what's interesting is Alex Hemosi has this habit, which some
31:45
Speaker 1: people would think is not a good habit. And I
31:48
Speaker 1: think it depends on how it's used and when it's used.
31:52
Speaker 1: But he was talking about the propensity that people have
31:57
Speaker 1: of saying yes to things social because they just don't
32:01
Speaker 1: want to say no. And I and the idea of
32:09
Speaker 1: being just really honest with people without trying to be offensive,
32:13
Speaker 1: without trying to be hurtful or hateful, of course, but
32:18
Speaker 1: one of the things that one of the examples I've
32:20
Speaker 1: given over the years is there's been many times where
32:22
Speaker 1: people have said to me something like, hey, mate, we're
32:26
Speaker 1: going bowling on Friday night. Do you want to come?
32:30
Speaker 1: And the true answer to that is I do not
32:33
Speaker 1: want to go bowling. I don't really enjoy bowling. I
32:36
Speaker 1: don't want to go bowling. And so I will say
32:39
Speaker 1: to them, no, I don't. And some times, oh, are
32:46
Speaker 1: you busy? And I go, no, I'm not, and people
32:48
Speaker 1: look at me like what do you mean. I go, well,
32:52
Speaker 1: you said, do I want to go bowling? And the
32:54
Speaker 1: truthful answer to that is no, I don't want to
32:56
Speaker 1: go bowling. I'd literally rather stay home by myself and
33:00
Speaker 1: do something else. Now, let's not confuse I don't want
33:04
Speaker 1: to go bowling with I don't like you? Do I
33:06
Speaker 1: like you? Yes, I do. I probably happily have a
33:10
Speaker 1: meal with you. Maybe well, I'll catch up with you
33:12
Speaker 1: for a coffee or have a meaningful dialogue or I
33:15
Speaker 1: don't know, something that we'll both enjoy. But I'm not
33:18
Speaker 1: going to go do something that I don't want to
33:20
Speaker 1: do just because you want to do it. Now, there's
33:23
Speaker 1: a caveat to that. Before people go, you're so fucking
33:26
Speaker 1: single and selfish. I get it, I get it. There's
33:29
Speaker 1: a caveat, and that is if I was in a
33:32
Speaker 1: relationship with somebody who really wanted to do that, I
33:35
Speaker 1: would definitely go. I would do that for them because
33:39
Speaker 1: my partner wanted to do that, And I think having
33:43
Speaker 1: an awareness and a purpose and a kindness bigger than
33:46
Speaker 1: for myself, of course. But my point is when we
33:50
Speaker 1: spend our life being a form of a people pleaser,
33:53
Speaker 1: saying yes to things that we really perhaps want to
33:57
Speaker 1: say no to. I'm not talking about being selfish here.
34:01
Speaker 1: I'm just talking about not wasting time and energy doing
34:11
Speaker 1: things that you really don't want to do when you
34:14
Speaker 1: could be doing something that is far more valuable for you.
34:18
Speaker 1: Perhaps what's more valuable for you, depending on the situation,
34:22
Speaker 1: is a night off. Maybe it's a meditation class. Maybe
34:26
Speaker 1: it's line on your bed watching Netflix. Maybe it's going
34:28
Speaker 1: to the gym and doing a workout. Maybe it's hanging
34:31
Speaker 1: out with your mum. Maybe it's hanging out with your dad.
34:34
Speaker 1: Maybe it's maybe it's listening to a podcast. I don't
34:37
Speaker 1: know what it is, but this compulsion that people have
34:42
Speaker 1: to say yes to everything just because they can't or
34:46
Speaker 1: won't say no, it's a problem. It's a problem. And
34:52
Speaker 1: again my asterisk, my caveat here is no, we're not
34:56
Speaker 1: trying to be insensitive. And there'll be times when, of course,
35:01
Speaker 1: because of a relationship we have, we're going to go
35:03
Speaker 1: do something which wouldn't be our priority, but we want
35:05
Speaker 1: to love someone and take care of somebody else, of course,
35:09
Speaker 1: But I just think it's okay sometimes to be able
35:12
Speaker 1: to say no, look, really, it ain't about you. But
35:15
Speaker 1: that is just not I don't want to go spend
35:17
Speaker 1: three hours doing that. If you want to know the truth,
35:19
Speaker 1: the answer is no, I don't want to do that.
35:21
Speaker 1: But thanks, we don't always have to explain ourselves. We
35:26
Speaker 1: don't need permission from people. We're all grown ups. There's
35:31
Speaker 1: a way to look after you while also being kind
35:36
Speaker 1: and thoughtful and aware of others. All right there it is.
35:42
Speaker 1: Hopefully there's something in that for you that's valuable, maybe
35:48
Speaker 1: even something that you can take out of the theory
35:53
Speaker 1: of my words and put into practice in the real
35:57
Speaker 1: world reality of your life tomorrow