Latest / Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden / Healing Is Within You: Freedom Begins Within

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Healing Is Within You: Freedom Begins Within · Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden

• 0:10
  speaker-0 (00:00.406)
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  Welcome to my realm. This is Tammy Jordan and you're listening to Butterfly Days. Today, as I've told you, my guest is the magical, the wonderful, the wise, Carla Calderas. Carla, welcome to the show today and thank you for joining us.
• 0:11
  speaker-1 (00:17.048)
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  Thank you so much, Tammy. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to talk and get to know each other better.
• 0:12
  speaker-0 (00:22.51)
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  Yeah, I agree. think my audience is going to love you. are just, you're just to me, you're a unicorn because you so beautifully blend the therapy and the coaching and the real life and then the learned. And it is precisely that balance that I always end up admiring with you. And your book, Healing is Within, is beautiful. Highly recommended to folks. We'll tell you at the end of this episode how you can.
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  get it, but it's a lovely and helpful book, genuinely helpful book. So Carla...
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  How would you define the message that you're bringing to women right now? In particular, midlife women, because that's who we are.
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  speaker-1 (01:12.332)
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  Right, yes. My message is that no matter your past, no matter what you have been through, you can heal. And that we get sold a lot of things. You have to look younger, you have to change, you have to become better. But my idea and my approach is that we have to go back to who we were before the pain, before the trauma, before people put us into this box that we thought we had to fit into.
• 0:16
  speaker-0 (01:38.87)
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  Wow, wow, I love that so much. I know that you had said that there's a point where therapy isn't medically necessary, but healing still is. And I think that's leaning into part of what you're saying. How does a woman know when she's at the point that she's ready for healing?
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  speaker-1 (02:06.382)
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  Okay. So healing to me is a very broad term. means I want to have a good life and not just good, but amazing. But many times that belief, I am worthy of an amazing life doesn't happen. It's not there because we doubt ourselves. We struggle with self-worth. So anything in the healing realm can be, okay, I am very stressed out with my job. I need to seek help.
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  I need to get out of this job and I need to help transitioning to something else, something better. It can also be, okay, I am very happy with my job, but my relationships are not where I want them to be. Or it can be, I am okay, I have what I want or what I need, a nice house, the shoes, the purses, but I feel empty inside and I know there's more to life. I think any, no matter where,
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  the women that are listening are, if they feel like, okay, I know there's something more, I know there's something that is not right, that's healing. Even though it may look different for different people.
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  speaker-0 (03:17.742)
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  Sure, I love that and I love that you've given a range. So the point at which maybe that we think about, wow, maybe I need to lean into healing, is when we realize there's just, it's that inner, there's just something, there's got to be something more, there's something a little bit off, you know, that this or this might be good, but it's still, kinda stuck. Is stuck where a lot of the women that you work with are?
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  Is that a common thing?
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  speaker-1 (03:49.07)
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  That is a word that comes up, would say 98 % of the time if we could give it a number. But yeah, very frequently stressed, overwhelmed, alone or lonely and stuck. Yes.
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  speaker-0 (04:03.148)
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  Yeah, those are tough things.
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  I like that you said that the healing is within us. what I heard you say, so I'd like you to speak to it so I can maybe get it a little more full. What I heard you say is that old coping mechanisms, which mean there were tough things in my past, and every single woman listening to this is middle-aged. We have...
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  all had tough things in our past. It's part of what made us, you know, the badass that we are now. But those coping mechanisms that we developed that maybe worked really well to get us out of that particular situation. Are you saying they can come back and bite us on this end and maybe not be helpful to keep?
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  speaker-1 (04:42.156)
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  Right.
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  speaker-1 (04:59.726)
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  Possibly, but I like giving it a different lens. So a lot of the healing that I do, I like divided into three, past, present, and future. So the past is what you're speaking about. Pain, trauma, difficult experiences, and of course, as we're facing that, we have to adapt and we have to keep going. We're survivors, we're resilient. So we learn coping mechanisms along the way.
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  we learn to develop these layers of protection that they're helping us because we're going, we're working, we're building families, we're raising children. So in healing, we have to look at that past, even though it's difficult, it's painful. To me, it's about, let's look at the past, let's process it in a healthy way. And I say that a lot, healthy ways, but to expand on that to me, in a healthy way means in a way that doesn't hurt.
• 0:29
  ourselves or anybody else. So that can be crying, punching a pillow, journaling, therapy, anything that is going to help you process that. And then to me, the real lesson is forgiveness. And then we can only land on forgiveness when we learn from the past, identify the patterns, forgive ourselves or somebody else. But if we are unable to identify that lesson is very difficult to move forward and forget.
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  But I like looking at those coping mechanisms as, okay, I had to do this. It was helpful because it got me to where I am today. So I'm not shaming myself for it. I'm understanding that that's what I knew at that point in time. That's what I thought was the best I could do. And that is okay. So once we process that, then we can talk about the present. And the present is a lot of the skills from therapy, a lot of psychology, like affirmations.
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  Let's pay attention to our thoughts, what's coming out of our mouths, our intentions, our behaviors. So really noticing and being intentional with everything. And so to me, that is therapy, really addressing the past, focusing on the future. And to me, once you are able to live in the present, be intentional, focus on the now, then to me, it's not medically necessary to get therapy. Yeah, you may still need healing, but it's not like you're really struggling.
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  speaker-1 (07:26.796)
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  Maybe you can manage, but you might still need healing. So that's when the future comes in. Let's build that future that you want and deserve. Let's focus on visualizing what would it look like if there were no limits, no possibilities. Let's get back to that beautiful girl that you were when you were younger. And for many, they remember when they were 10, 11, and they felt happy. They see pictures of themselves. They were smiling for some of my clients that
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  doesn't happen or doesn't happen at 11 when they were 11. So some have to go back when they were five years old or even babies because they experienced so much trauma and pain. So then we connect that back to ourselves. That baby or that 11 year old or five year old, I know she was happy. I know she was free and she didn't doubt herself. She didn't think about what are people gonna think about me. She just was and believe that anything was a possibility.
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  So that's where the coaching is. Future focus and believing that we're worthy and deserving of an amazing future because we are, but along the way we forget.
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  speaker-0 (08:33.238)
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  Yeah, So many things can happen in the course of a lifetime. It can be personal, it can be professional, but they can, if you're not careful, they can knock you off your game and leave you believing that you're unworthy or that you're less than or you're incapable. And you know something, if you got this far, that's probably not the truth. You know, you mentioned forgiveness. What?
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  speaker-1 (08:56.303)
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  Right.
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  speaker-0 (09:02.638)
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  That is always a loaded phrase for me. What does it look like for you or how do you see it fitting?
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  speaker-1 (09:10.702)
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  Mm-hmm. I think that is a very difficult thing to do for many, many of us. But that is what, I would say, forgiveness is where we can find freedom. Without forgiveness, we are still carrying that pain. Maybe not in a big heavy way, but still in doubt, still in caring shame or caring fear. I think...
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  With forgiveness, have to, of course, sometimes forgive other people, but at the end of the day, it's also forgiving yourself. And that can be the most painful thing. And it can be not necessarily because you did something bad or something wrong. Maybe it is, need to forgive myself because I didn't speak up, because I allow this to happen.
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  speaker-0 (09:57.634)
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  I didn't have my own back. And there's no condemnation, no judgment on that. But the honest acknowledgement is insanely freeing. The first time I did that, I was so stunned by how helpful it was because I thought, no, I didn't do anything wrong. I was the victim and indeed I was. But the other piece of that is that...
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  I didn't say anything and yes, I felt silenced in all the things. Matter of fact, many women who are listening to this, I guarantee you coming through the 70s, the 80s, maybe even the early 90s had an experience in which it's probably due to what would now be called sexual harassment, but we had an experience and we did not speak up. And I have that in my background as well.
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  And in releasing and forgiving, there came a point when I realized I needed to say, I forgive me for not taking care of me. For trying to hide instead of having a little bit of a backbone, believing in myself enough that I had worth and value and that it wasn't okay what happened. And I don't know why, but it's incredibly freeing.
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  release that across. So here's my question. I love the value of forgiveness and in particular forgiveness of yourself because often, I also wanted to say, think often almost every woman I've ever talked to who had someone who was abusive to her in some manner or toxic with her walked away
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  carrying the guilt of the bad situation when it was done to her. The idiot who did it, walking around fine, but we have that shame and we know it was terribly wrong and somehow worried if it was about us or we caused it or we half enjoyed it for a minute or all of the stories that you can layer on it.
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  speaker-0 (12:19.886)
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  This is really not a primary thing in your teaching, but I just wonder, I feel like there's maybe somebody who's wondering, is it common that if we were victimized in our past, perhaps in the manner I'm suggesting, that we would carry the guilt? And can you speak to that?
• 0:46
  speaker-1 (12:41.806)
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  Sure, yeah, I think we carry more than guilt. We carry, like you said, shame. We sometimes feel dirty or like we don't belong or like we're wearing a mask pretending this didn't happen to me. Right. So, yeah, we carry all of that and the path to feel better is healing and forgiveness. But of course, that's an easy word to say. I feel like, yeah, just forgive him or forgive what happened. But it doesn't come easy.
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  One, it has to come with help many times. Other women, the wisdom that other women share. Love it. Women's groups, therapy of course, coaching. We have to get help. Like there's no way around that. We just have to. And then once we get the help and we feel better, it's still a daily intention. It's a commitment to yourself that, okay, this happened. I forgive him. I forgive myself. I'm able to move on.
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  but it's still a daily intention because if I truly forgive myself, that means I love myself. That means I'm not going to allow anybody to put me down anymore. I'm going to choose my behaviors well and align with loving myself. I'm going to choose nourishing meals. I'm going to choose people who put me up, friendships that are reciprocating what I give. So it's not just, okay, all the work that probably takes years, the forgiveness, the...
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  releasing the shame, releasing the things that I didn't do, but it's also what happens after and that daily commitment to yourself.
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  speaker-0 (14:13.582)
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  Yeah, that really is the healing within that you speak of is that we walk it out. And I think there may be people like, wait, I didn't want to have to do it. It already happened to me. I'm trying to get past it. But the thing is, is if it is up to you, the final healing of it all, the power is yours.
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  speaker-1 (14:33.646)
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  Right. Exactly.
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  speaker-0 (14:36.366)
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  You have the power back when you say, okay, I will walk out my healing and I will not allow what happened to me to have one more moment of my life. I love that. about, what about, I'm gonna ask one more forgiveness question then we can get out of this area. But what about if you have a person in your life, perhaps a family member,
• 0:53
  who is difficult, unkind, abusive, and it's not a situation where you can cut contact. You're gonna constantly be in contact. How do you forgive in real time and do you understand what I'm saying versus just forgive a past hurt which is no longer a threat? How do you manage
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  potential threat and in real time. Then what does forgiveness look like?
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  speaker-1 (15:41.484)
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  Right. This one is very difficult. It's reminding me of different clients I've seen. So I think we need to understand that forgiveness is going to look different for everybody. Yeah. And that true forgiveness is connecting back to yourself, your authenticity and what is true to you. So I want to give a tangible example with this. I've had clients who are in marriages and the husband can be abusive, verbally abusive.
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  maybe having affairs or sleeping with other women, but the women like the lifestyle that they have or have little ones and they're like, what do I do? Like, how do I forgive him? Like, what do I do with this? So of course I can give them advice or feedback, but to me the answer is within themselves and then being honest with themselves. So that can be, okay, I know I don't want this for the rest of my life.
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  So maybe what forgiveness looks like for me is being kind, but preparing for a divorce, searching for a lawyer, searching for other women. Have you experienced this? What have you done? It doesn't mean I have to divorce him right away or have to stay here for the rest of my life until the kids go to college. But it's like, what feels authentic to me right now? And knowing that it is, it is a path and that it might take a few years, but.
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  I would say not putting that pressure that I have to leave him in this specific example because he cheated on me. You have to always tune in with yourself and be honest. Okay, maybe this is what I have right now. So let me work with this knowing that I don't want this for the rest of my life. So what are my options? What else can I do? Yeah.
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  speaker-0 (17:26.955)
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  Yeah, to fully own the situation even if it's not comfortable or easy or what anybody else thinks is the right answer.
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  speaker-1 (17:35.49)
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  Right, exactly.
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  speaker-0 (17:37.806)
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  I love that. I love that very much. You say that healing requires looking back with compassion. If the past still hurts, how do we do that? I think if you have things that are unaddressed,
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  speaker-1 (17:49.261)
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  Hmm.
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  speaker-0 (18:02.284)
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  and you're creeping up on 50. There's a reason why you hadn't looked at it. And it's generally because it's painful, whether it's shameful or tragic or any of the possible things there. How do you frame it for yourself to have the kind of compassion to look back and review your story with the maturity that you have now?
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  instead of what is highly likely, and I'm referring to women in their 20s, they probably won't like this, but I think your kid's story about something could be when you were five, 15, or 25, because you're still maturing and figuring things out. And usually, if we haven't resolved something and we're in the 50 zone,
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  We still have a story running in our backfield that was created by an immature mind. So to look at it now is absolutely to have an opportunity to bring more compassion to it, but also the wisdom of being our age. How does that land for you or how do you see that?
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  speaker-1 (19:22.09)
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  Yeah, I understand it completely and to me is looking back with compassion is going to be a process that may take years. So it means first, I know I'm going to look at the past and still feel the anger and the shame and the frustration for what happened. So it is kind of like what you said, forgiving yourself because back then you didn't have the wisdom that you now have.
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  that you now have. You were still developing. You were doing your best. So I think I always go back to that sentence. Like you were doing your best at that point in time with the information that you had. Like that was your best.
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  speaker-0 (20:06.028)
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  Yeah, yeah. I think that that's kind of beautiful. What do you think is the biggest mistake women make when they're trying to move on from their past?
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  speaker-1 (20:19.278)
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  Probably wanting to forget about it and bury it.
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  speaker-0 (20:22.734)
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  Shove it in the closet?
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  speaker-1 (20:26.018)
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  Because it's a lie. We think we're burying it. We think we're just leaving it in the past, but we're still carrying it. Yeah, and it's not visible.
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  speaker-0 (20:34.794)
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  It can't be left in the past. Wow. That's like a big thought for me to have is that I think it's something really important you're saying is that you can't put bury something in the past. It's inexorably in your present. It's going to be touching things that if you don't look at it, it's touching and impacting ways that you see things, ways that you feel about things.
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  without you being able to control it. Like you won't look at it. Is that right?
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  speaker-1 (21:09.24)
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  Right? For sure, like as simple as people hurt me in my past. My family didn't have my back. My parents didn't protect me. My cousins bullied me to now, I don't have that many friends because I don't connect. I don't give myself fully because I am protecting myself. I don't know if they can hurt me. If my parents and my family were not able to help me, what are people who are strangers gonna do? Probably hurt me.
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  So I think a lot of the work in healing is making those connections that you think you're better in the past and living in the past, but exactly what you said, you're still carrying the patterns and you're still repeating different or you're still repeating the same experience just with different people, which in this case is like lack of connection, feeling like you cannot trust, you don't feel safe around people.
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  speaker-0 (22:01.398)
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  Yeah, this is great because there's absolutely a woman right now listening to this and going, my Lord, that is why I don't seem to be able to connect. I have known women over the years who say, you know, I just don't trust. I'm just not somebody who does this. And they just stop with that description of themselves. But I love what you're saying because you're inviting us to consider that maybe
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  why you're like that and why you don't trust people and why you don't have deeply fulfilling intimate relationships, which you are capable of, is because what happened to you earlier taught you a lesson that's not accurate, which is that everybody isn't untrustworthy. Maybe the people you were with were, but that doesn't mean everybody is. Right? In listening to that,
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  speaker-1 (22:40.312)
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  Right.
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  speaker-1 (22:55.598)
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  Right. Right. For sure.
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  speaker-0 (23:00.49)
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  It makes me think that you're telling me that even a woman who feels shut off and distrustful and maybe even afraid of the world, you're saying there is blue sky potential here that she doesn't have to stay there after 50. That she can make changes that will upgrade her ability to love, to trust.
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  and to be deeply emotionally engaged, because we know loneliness is a horrific epidemic. Is that the kind of one of the beauties of the compassionate look back?
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  speaker-1 (23:43.946)
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  Exactly. So compassion would look like, okay, now I understand it. Now I see this pattern that I never developed deep, healthy relationships because it wasn't taught to me. I wasn't exposed to that growing up. So I understand it and I'm not going to shame myself. I'm going to look back with compassion because that's all I knew. So I was just repeating the pattern, but now I believe I am capable of having those healthy relationships. So I'm going to give myself the opportunity to connect slowly.
• 1:23
  Little by little and it can be as simple as when I go to the store now, I'm going to make eye contact. I'm going to smile, correct. Or it can be as deep as I'm going to call that friend that I haven't talked to in a year and just check in and see how she's doing.
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  speaker-0 (24:27.82)
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  Yeah, and tell her how I'm doing. I love that. And I love also that in thinking about, why might I be struggling in this regard? And then realizing, you know, what it is that in that space, even if you don't know how to get to be a more loving person because you didn't see it, let's say in your family of origin.
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  speaker-1 (24:29.9)
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  Right?
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  speaker-0 (24:57.742)
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  It's okay not to know. The critical thing is to know that it's missing and to know that you want it because now you're set up to begin to scan your world and see options that might teach you, that might empower you, that might inspire you to figure out how to do it because you are so 50, 60. This is, you're not past.
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  I mean, I don't think as a therapist is somebody past being able to have a healthy fulfilling life. Is there no
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  speaker-1 (25:32.618)
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  As long as you're alive, you deserve a healthy, fulfilling life where you feel joyful and peaceful. Yes, as long as we're alive, no permission.
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  speaker-0 (25:39.47)
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  As long as you have breath, you heard it, the therapist said, full permission, I love that so much. So one thing that I think is tough for women in particular, because of, you know, can go in because of how we were socialized, whatever, I don't even know that it matters, all that. But one thing for women that is tough is boundaries. How do boundaries come into play
• 1:30
  with, okay, I've looked back, I've looked back with compassion, I'm loving myself, now I'm here, but I am the one who's done everything for everybody, and that's not a bad thing. There has to be a mom. Sorry, there has to be. But the women that this podcast serves are at the tail end of, they no longer have young children generally, and instead, older kids. So.
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  speaker-1 (26:16.93)
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  Mm-hmm.
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  speaker-0 (26:39.022)
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  How can they look at the boundary issue? Challenge, it's a challenge.
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  speaker-1 (26:45.386)
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  Right. I think it's looking back within and noticing what you are okay with and what feels right. And I think also full permission that we're all different and that is okay. Many times we want to compare ourselves and like, okay, she said the boundary that she doesn't go out past 9pm. So should I set that boundary?
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  Like, no, you do whatever is right for you. If you want to be out at 10 30, then you go out at 10 30. If you want to be home by 7 p.m. once the sun's down, then that's the boundary. So I would say identifying what is important to you and not apologizing for it. So saying what you need to say, asking for what you need. I think the issue becomes that.
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  communication might not be where the woman wants it to be. They think boundaries and they say, I don't want to be rude or how am going to be perceived? And you can set a boundary, but in a healthy way, hey, I love spending time with you. I would love to catch up, but I'm not available after 7 p.m. Can we do lunch or breakfast? And that was a boundary said beautifully.
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  speaker-0 (27:57.76)
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  was a beautifully set boundary.
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  speaker-1 (27:59.768)
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  Right. And you're instead of saying, no, I don't go out. That's fine. I don't go out once it's dark. Yeah. So you can instead.
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  speaker-0 (28:07.01)
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  You can put a little empathy in it.
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  speaker-1 (28:09.486)
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  You can still make it that my goal is to connect with you. I appreciate our friendship and I want to do this, but I'm not available after this time or I cannot go have drinks with you, but we can have brunch or we can have lunch or go to the park for a walk.
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  speaker-0 (28:23.552)
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  I love that so much. One of the little tricks that a friend shared with me, because I have a really hard time if I'm gonna upset somebody or disappoint them, it just kills me. then it's twice as hard to get it out of my mouth. And sometimes you need to say something that's tough to somebody. It's part of having an appropriate boundary. Sometimes it's about them or it's about you. But she said, Tammy, if you just start the sentence with,
• 1:41
  This is hard for me to say. You give the other person, the listener, space to see that you're not coming in from a terrible place. It's hard for you to say, and you engage their empathy to understand that what you're about to say next is important, but is not said with malice. I love that kind of framework. Is that?
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  speaker-1 (29:06.647)
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  My
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  speaker-0 (29:22.644)
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  that's the kind of thing that you're advocating for.
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  speaker-1 (29:26.2)
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  For sure, yeah, like it's not about I'm going to avoid setting a boundary. I'm going to go with a boundary, but give myself permission to try different things. And that's a lot of things that I've seen the women I helped that they struggle giving themselves permission to set a boundary and they're learning. It's a new skill that you haven't implemented for years. So it might come out in a rude way the first time, but then you can say, hey, this is hard for me or.
• 1:45
  Remember that conversation we had that was very hard for me and just being open and honest that is going to take time to calmly remember your worth and say, Hey, I love that, but I'm not able to help you with this. I can help you with this instead. Or right now I don't have the capacity to help you with what you're going through. So knowing that
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  speaker-0 (30:14.382)
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  please not keep doing it.
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  speaker-1 (30:16.482)
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  Right, right. So give yourself the opportunity to try things and know that you're learning a new skill. So it may come rude the first time, but I'm adjusting. learning and I'm always checking in with myself to see what feels true and authentic.
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  speaker-0 (30:32.586)
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  I love that and I love the dignity of being able to say, know, because bless their hearts, you get these girls that are real passive aggressive and they're like, so my boundary is like, and then they proudly announce it to all of us as if all of us have been, you know, wantonly tormenting them. And a lot of times that reads aggressive. But but what I hear you saying.
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  speaker-1 (30:56.718)
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  Mm-hmm.
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  speaker-0 (31:00.596)
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  is if you lean back just a little bit before delivering it and feel your own strength, I just need to say that this is how it is for me or this would work for me or and I'm and in my energy is the openness that you can share from your side as well. Wow, there's a lot of space in that for healthy exchange. If the other person is healthy and you can't if they're not you
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  That's not what you mean.
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  speaker-1 (31:31.862)
• 1:52
  Right, right. We can only control ourselves, focus on ourselves, the way we say it, the way we approach it. And this is something that I explained with clients as well. You setting a boundary is about you being honest with yourself. Communicating is not about the other person respecting that boundary. It's about you communicating it. And then depending on the response, then you choose, is this a relationship I want to continue?
• 1:53
  speaker-0 (32:00.534)
• 1:53
  Yeah, I love that. And it's okay to take time to figure that out. You made me think of a question and I'm not gonna lie, it just went sideways in my brain. But it was about setting a boundary. I'm hoping it will come back to me because it was a darn good question. So, I love how you gave us an example of a healthy boundary.
• 1:54
  speaker-0 (32:29.708)
• 1:54
  Okay, so you're setting your boundaries and what you're noticing is your friend, we're gonna call her Susan. My friend Susan's gonna be bitter at me, but Susan, sorry, your name's popular. So Susan is not, what we're noticing is that we've set the boundary, but Susan is not evolving as we are. And before we got along fine, whatever I could put up with the, whatever was the issues.
• 1:55
  But now I'm struggling. How do you handle relationships that don't evolve with you? Do you have tips for that?
• 1:56
  speaker-1 (33:08.32)
• 1:56
  Yeah. I think being honest with ourselves that it is part of life to have different seasons in life, to have different stages in life, and that comes with different relationships, different friendships. So sometimes, of course, a relationship evolves and you're both evolving, growing, becoming better. Sometimes you notice yourself evolving, adapting, changing, noticing patterns.
• 1:57
  And some people choose not to do that and stay there. And of course, we're not going to shame them. That's the best they can do. But then you choose, is this something I want to be around? Is that environment, that relationship, that energy something I want to be around? And then being honest about it and knowing that it doesn't mean I hate her or I don't like her anymore. It just means I will continue to see her, but maybe not as frequently. Or I'm going to still support her and...
• 1:58
  encourage her to do what's best for her, but I need to keep a little bit of a distance.
• 1:59
  speaker-0 (34:08.366)
• 1:59
  And it's not my job to tell her where she's falling short so then we could go back to being great friends in the way that maybe we were historically. Allowing other people to be who they are, let them Mel Robbins, is a powerful pivot and takes guts. So if you are attempting that in your life right now, bless you because that's a hard thing, you know.
• 2:00
  speaker-1 (34:17.676)
• 2:00
  Right.
• 2:01
  speaker-0 (34:38.254)
• 2:01
  to allow someone to be who they are and then to realize, but that means I can't keep you where I had you before.
• 2:02
  speaker-1 (34:48.737)
• 2:02
  Right, right. And then noticing that brings something to mind that many times when we hate someone or dislike someone or notice, yeah, she's a little rude. Many times it's because we know that about ourselves and we don't like it. So it's maybe, let's say with Susan to go along with that example. I am learning.
• 2:03
  to set boundaries, but I'm still not able to do it because I feel embarrassed. I feel like I'm going to hurt the other person. And I noticed that people walk all over Susan. She doesn't set any boundaries. And I'm just like, this makes me so angry. Why doesn't she set a boundary? And it's not necessary that she's not evolving with me is that I don't like that about myself. I see it in her and it's just something that faces me and makes me angry. yeah.
• 2:04
  speaker-0 (35:40.216)
• 2:04
  So that's good. If you're feeling triggered by somebody, definitely ask, is this one of those things where I'm seeing what I'm doing and then that's throwing me off? What do you, I have a particular person in my life who's really tricky because she, everything I do, somehow it's wrong or bad or problematic in some manner. And
• 2:05
  I used to spend a lot of my energy trying to say, oh, no, no, no, I don't mean that. No, this and try until it dawned on me far too many years than I would really want to admit on this podcast that the game was that I'm supposed to be wrong, that she is only looking to, I'm going to say, put me down. And so she will always find something wrong. And that's how this is going to work. Once I.
• 2:06
  untangled that I was like, okay, well, that's the dynamic here and I'm no longer on the hook to keep trying to explain myself. But in that exchange, part of what I realized at a certain point is I thought, why do you always ascribe to me like the worst motive for anything that happened? And then it dawned on me. She's not telling me what she thinks is my motive.
• 2:07
  she's telling me her motive. Because where these tables turned, she thinks I'm doing what she would do. That's why she can't perceive me well. So it's sort of a flip of what you're saying where somebody is triggering you, but they see it that way where somebody's triggering you because you do it. But also if you're having a struggle, sometimes that person is telling you who...
• 2:08
  They are.
• 2:09
  speaker-1 (37:35.028)
• 2:09
  Mm-hmm, right. Right. And it sounds like they have in this case this person a lot of self-hatred and she doesn't give herself the opportunity to try things or do things differently and then she just points the finger and judges.
• 2:10
  speaker-0 (37:52.302)
• 2:10
  That's a difficult thing. there's anybody who's dealing with that, I'm just sending you love right now because that's really hard thing. But the thing is, once you realize that it's not about you and that you don't need to justify any further, that certainly can move you into greater compassion for yourself. You're good enough. You don't need to keep doing this,
• 2:11
  speaker-1 (38:13.454)
• 2:11
  And reminding ourselves that we don't owe anybody anything. So let's say this was a 20 year friendship. I still don't owe her anything. So if this is an unhealthy relationship for me right now, I have to walk away.
• 2:12
  speaker-0 (38:25.974)
• 2:12
  Yeah, I love that. I think that that is strongly the truth that part of the power of a good relationship is that we are constantly choosing each other. If you're only there out of obligation, maybe it's not healthy, maybe it's something to look at.
• 2:13
  speaker-1 (38:45.592)
• 2:13
  No. Right, for sure.
• 2:14
  speaker-0 (38:48.082)
• 2:14
  that is so good. So you actually you actually my question did come back in my mind. I was going to ask I was going to ask you, but you hit it earlier. I don't want to disappoint or upset people, so I'm always looking for a way to give us both a win in in in in an exchange.
• 2:15
  Is there any trick to giving yourself, how do you give yourself grace to be like, they're not gonna like this and you're gonna be fine if that's the case.
• 2:16
  speaker-1 (39:26.179)
• 2:16
  Bye.
• 2:17
  speaker-0 (39:28.096)
• 2:17
  Is there- are there any tips for that kid?
• 2:18
  speaker-1 (39:31.348)
• 2:18
  Yes, please. I the main one is pausing, not being afraid to pause. And that can look different. That can mean she said something that I'm not OK with, but I need to pause right now. So maybe you go use the restroom and just pause. And that is the pause that you take. Maybe it is an interaction happened that you were not OK with. And this happened to me last week. An interaction happened I was not OK with.
• 2:19
  speaker-0 (39:49.814)
• 2:19
  of the pause.
• 2:20
  speaker-1 (40:01.134)
• 2:20
  were in public, I got a little bit scared. She just blew up. So I wasn't ready to set a boundary then. But then I know it affected me because it affected my sleep. I didn't sleep well. I couldn't fall asleep that night. I didn't want to text her at three in the morning because she was like that. She's probably going to read it just thinking that why she doing a texting, texting me at three in morning. But then first thing in the morning, I knew I had to choose myself.
• 2:21
  So that commitment to myself, I have to set a boundary. I have to let her know this is not okay with me. So I drafted a text letting her know this interaction really affected me. I couldn't sleep. It made me feel scared. It made me feel overwhelmed. So I think I need to take some time apart, but I'm open to talking about it. If you want to talk about it, I would need a week or two weeks. But then after that, if you want to talk, I'm open. So to me, that pause looked like a day and a half.
• 2:22
  And that is okay. Sometimes it takes longer, but just like being able to pause and know, okay, this is not okay. Doesn't mean I forget about it or doesn't mean I am going to blurt it out and say it because I need to stop to this right now. I pause, I check in with myself what really didn't sit well with me. What really is like affecting me and hurting me and how can I communicate it in a healthy way and still set the boundary.
• 2:23
  speaker-0 (41:25.166)
• 2:23
  All you talked about was you. You didn't condemn her actions. You said, here it is for me. And you didn't use that in a manipulative way. You just said who you were. That is one of the most beautiful ways that you phrased it. But also, it really helped me see the power of the pause that I don't have to rush forward and fix immediately, but that I can.
• 2:24
  speaker-1 (41:30.723)
• 2:24
  Right.
• 2:25
  speaker-0 (41:55.562)
• 2:25
  stop a hot minute, gather myself in some manner, and then go back at it in a way where I feel more comfortable.
• 2:26
  speaker-1 (42:03.64)
• 2:26
  Right, right. yeah, pausing would be the first tip. The next one is speaking an I statement. Sometimes we like make it into this hard ball of something, what a boundary is, but can I simplify it to I? The feeling and why I feel that way. So that's how I teach it to my clients. Just think I, so make it about you, the feeling and why you feel that way. Instead of like, you're always screaming at me. You're always yelling. You're always raising your voice.
• 2:27
  I feel sad, I feel scared when people raise their voice at me. And then you can continue with the boundary asking for something or just saying, I'm going to take some time to myself.
• 2:28
  speaker-0 (42:41.73)
• 2:28
  Yeah, you know, recently and I think we need to use our resources like use your lifelines in life. And recently I needed to say something to someone that was difficult. And for kicks, I went to chat GPT and I said, I love my friend very much. This boundary was violated.
• 2:29
  I never want to hurt her feelings, but I need to say this in a way that's supportive of both our dignities but draws a clean boundary. Give me three suggestions for how to go at it. Listen, I did not say exactly what was said because I don't like the idea that a computer is going to talk for me, but I am telling you it gave me three very true ideas that I could not yet articulate.
• 2:30
  And once I had it, once I had the idea, I could give it voice. And in a way that I would be proud of myself if I said it.
• 2:31
  speaker-1 (43:45.59)
• 2:31
  Yes, I totally agree. We sometimes forget that there's resources out there. So it can be as simple as like asking Chai GPT, giving him a prompt. How do I proceed with this? It can be reaching out to a friend. It can be
• 2:32
  speaker-0 (43:58.478)
• 2:32
  Meditating.
• 2:33
  speaker-1 (44:00.718)
• 2:33
  Right. a podcast, listening to a podcast.
• 2:34
  speaker-0 (44:03.022)
• 2:34
  Yes, yes, please. Yes, but I like what you said, meditating or praying and just asking for wisdom and the right language. Very powerful stuff. I love this so much. So what would you say to a woman who quietly feels like it might be too late for me? Do you agree with that?
• 2:35
  speaker-1 (44:25.038)
• 2:35
  No, it's never too late again for all our listeners. If you're alive, it's never too late. You can still change. Yes. And I saw a client yesterday, she's 52 and she said something powerful. So we were talking and she's in this era that she's adjusting her relationships, adjusting her friends. She recently went to a divorce. So what she said to me was when I turned 50, it's like the blindfold fell off.
• 2:36
  speaker-0 (44:31.726)
• 2:36
  You have breasts.
• 2:37
  speaker-1 (44:54.21)
• 2:37
  It's like you can finally see clearly. You can notice more and you can choose differently. So to me that was powerful.
• 2:38
  speaker-0 (45:03.37)
• 2:38
  It is powerful and it, listen, that comes with, there's a lot of things right now that talk about how horrible declining hormones are. And listen, there are some symptoms that are difficult and you should definitely get support if that's up your alley. But it's also helpful in a way that people are not talking about. When your hormones start to decline, it's actually part of why your wisdom becomes stronger.
• 2:39
  because you no longer need to please everyone else, do things, to keep being a person that's not really working for you.
• 2:40
  speaker-1 (45:41.134)
• 2:40
  Right, right. So I think we need to give ourselves the chance to live and fully live no matter your age. Because yeah, when you're 20, you're having fun, you're living your life. For me, when I turned 40, I felt like I feel like an adult finally. Before 40, I felt like I was still trying things out, still like a teenager. But when I turned 40, I was like, okay, I feel like I'm an adult now. What my clients said when you're 50 is like the blindfold just falls off and you'll see differently. If you're 60,
• 2:41
  Maybe you're like, finally have time or I'm giving myself the chance to try things, to say no, to try things. I always wanted to try golf, singing lessons, piano lessons. whatever, you're alive. Do whatever feels right for you at that point in time, as long as you're not hurting yourself or anybody else.
• 2:42
  speaker-0 (46:20.142)
• 2:42
  Yeah.
• 2:43
  speaker-0 (46:28.97)
• 2:43
  I love that. kind of a parting thought here. What if you could encourage the women listening to this to try one brave thing this week that will help them know that the healing really is within them, that the answers that they seek are in their own hearts.
• 2:44
  speaker-1 (46:53.513)
• 2:44
  Very hard, just one thing.
• 2:45
  speaker-0 (46:59.682)
• 2:45
  Yeah, this one super high bar. No, but if you could do one brave thing or you can list five that they could choose what their one is, of course. But what are some brave things that women who want to move more powerfully into midlife healing? What kind of things could they do this week?
• 2:46
  speaker-1 (47:23.054)
• 2:46
  The strongest one is stop avoiding. We are very good at avoiding. Getting busy with friends, with kids, with grandkids, with hobbies and that is just avoiding something uncomfortable sometimes. Avoiding setting the boundary, avoiding having that difficult conversation.
• 2:47
  avoiding making a decision that we know is in our best interest but we're scared of taking the leap. So if you can do one thing that is brave this week would be yeah I would say be honest with yourself and notice when you're avoiding.
• 2:48
  speaker-0 (48:00.426)
• 2:48
  Avoid avoid.
• 2:49
  speaker-0 (48:08.494)
• 2:49
  I, Carla, anybody listening to this now knows why you are so amazing. That is a fabulous encouragement. So this week we want to be a voice in your heart, in your ear that encourages you. Don't avoid it. You're gonna be okay. You got this girl. Even if it looks messy. Even if you skin your knees in the process. You've come this
• 2:50
  You know, I believe in you. One of the things I love about Carla is that she believes in you and she believes in your ability to find your own healing and she's using therapy but she's also using her lived experience. We didn't get into her whole backstory but she is an extraordinary woman who's come through a lot to build a life, a business, a love that are beautiful.
• 2:51
  And it's part of why I wanted to bring her to you. I'm so excited to be able to do that because your work is beautiful. Your book, Healing is Within You, is lovely. If people would like to get a hold of that book or contact you, Carla, how would they do so?
• 2:52
  speaker-1 (49:27.938)
• 2:52
  They can reach me at carlacalderas.com. That's my full name, .com. Also Instagram handle is Healy W. Carla. And my book is for sale on Amazon, Barnes & Noble's website, Walmart's website.
• 2:53
  speaker-0 (49:44.3)
• 2:53
  the good places you can get the book so easily and truly it's a lovely book and it's got good you can tell from talking to her it has good ideas you know I hope you know that I am so glad that you are in this world Carla Calderas and that as you go forward and continue to serve more women and empower them I want you to know girl I'm rooting for you yeah it's gonna make me cry
• 2:54
  You have an extraordinary heart and you've taken the time to come share it with us and we really appreciate that. So for any of you who are interested in learning more about Carla or about her work, please just look on the Substack page or the, if you're listening to this on Apple or Spotify, it will be on the information page. But again, carlacalderas.com is the main thing that you need to know and
• 2:55
  We hope that you will share this message with other women who could be blessed because we all need to realize that the healing is within us and to live in such a way that we get to experience the beauty of that. Carla, thank you so much for coming today.
• 2:56
  speaker-1 (51:01.976)
• 2:56
  Thank you so much for having me. It's been an honor. Thank you.