Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 181 - Summer K.

Transcript

Recovery Chronicles Ep. 181 - Summer K. · Recovery Chronicles

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Recovery Chronicles.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: My name is Johan Trigg and my sober date is
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: June seventeenth, twenty nineteen. Join me as we hear from
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: people who are on this journey that we call recovery show.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: All right, well, welcome to this episode of Recovery Chronicles.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: This is Joan Trigg, and I have Summer with me today.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Welcome Summer.
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Hello.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: So I've known you for a little while. Summer and
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: I used to work together at the Abuse Adult Resource
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Center and Summer is still there, so we still keep
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: track of each other from time to time. And I'm
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: glad that you're here today because we've chatted a little
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: bit about our sober journeys and all the fun things
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: associated with that. But I think it's nice for you
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: to share your story because I think it's going to
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: be really inspiring for people. So let's just kick it out.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: Tell me a little bit about you know, what it
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: was like for you growing up.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Tell me about your childhood.
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: So my childhood, I had my mom left when I
• 1:10
  Speaker 4: was a baby, so there was abandonment really really early
• 1:13
  Speaker 4: in my life. I was raised by my dad and
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: my step mom. There was a lot of abuse with
• 1:21
  Speaker 4: my stepmom. I always felt like I didn't fit in
• 1:25
  Speaker 4: anywhere with family, friends, school, anything. I just always felt
• 1:29
  Speaker 4: like I didn't fit in until I found drugs and alcohol.
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: So up until then I was. I really excelled in
• 1:40
  Speaker 4: school and fast pitch softball. Those things were really important
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: to me. But coming into my ninth grade of high
• 1:49
  Speaker 4: school is when I tried drugs for the first time,
• 1:53
  Speaker 4: pot and then drinking. My very first time drinking was
• 1:59
  Speaker 4: a black out. So and I, I'm sure we've heard before,
• 2:04
  Speaker 4: you know, we feel like we're an addict before we
• 2:07
  Speaker 4: take that first drug or drink. So but when I
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: did take that first drug, it felt like a like
• 2:12
  Speaker 4: a magic potion. I felt pretty funny, rich outgoing because
• 2:19
  Speaker 4: I was super.
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: Shy, so you know.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: And so starting in ninth grade and going up, I
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: consistently used drugs and drink. And so that's that's pretty
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: much how it was.
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: Did you.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: How did you find that?
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: In terms of like, sometimes when I talk to people,
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: and I consider when I talk, we even think about
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: myself too, like having access to drugs and alcohol.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Was that tough for you to get that or was
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: it pretty easy for you to get access to that stuff?
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: It was really easy.
• 2:51
  Speaker 4: So my dad drank and worked out a casino and
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: so we'd bring home little bottles of testers of alcohol
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: and then and he also smoked pot, so it was
• 3:02
  Speaker 4: easy to find in the house. And then I just
• 3:05
  Speaker 4: you know, I was drawn to the crowd, so it
• 3:07
  Speaker 4: was really easy for me.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Any legal stuff at that point.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Like, had you ever been and arrested or caught or
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: anything like that when you were in high school?
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: Nope?
• 3:17
  Speaker 4: Not. When I was in high school, I didn't get
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: in trouble at all. My dad was best friend with
• 3:22
  Speaker 4: the sheriff in town. I lived in a small town,
• 3:25
  Speaker 4: so telling my dad is worse was worse than going
• 3:30
  Speaker 4: to jail. So that's how I got in trouble.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: But yeah, so take me then to like, okay, finishing
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: up high school or getting you know, towards that near
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: adult age.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: What does that look like for you?
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: So I actually got pregnant when I was sixteen, you know,
• 3:48
  Speaker 4: and I didn't find out un till later on in
• 3:51
  Speaker 4: the pregnancy. So I did use in the very beginning,
• 3:54
  Speaker 4: but I also didn't know. But I did make a
• 3:57
  Speaker 4: conscious effort to stop using, So during that pregnancy I
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: didn't are most of the pregnancy, I didn't use I
• 4:06
  Speaker 4: did have that baby, and then my biological mom took custody,
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: not legally or anything, but she kept him. She thought
• 4:17
  Speaker 4: that once I grew up, i'd regret not having him.
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: So but as soon as.
• 4:23
  Speaker 4: That baby was born, I was off and running again.
• 4:25
  Speaker 4: So I grew up in Lake Tahoe, California, and my
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: biological mom, when she left, came to North Dakota. So
• 4:35
  Speaker 4: when I was sixteen, I came up here to meet
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: her and get to know her. So that's how I
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: ended up in North Dakota. I moved nine times between
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: the ages of seventeen and twenty one between here and there. Wow,
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: you know geographical cures. You know, I'd burned bridges till
• 4:56
  Speaker 4: there was nothing left, and then I'd move and then
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: or I did didn't feel like I fit in, or
• 5:01
  Speaker 4: everyone hated me, and you know it was but wherever
• 5:04
  Speaker 4: I went, so did I. So it didn't care anything.
• 5:10
  Speaker 4: But I've been here since I was about twenty two
• 5:12
  Speaker 4: and I haven't left so.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: Right well, And I think that's something that a lot
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: of us talk about, is like you're you're trying to
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: change the people, places and things right around you and
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: sometimes that helps, and sometimes you just navigate back to
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: the folks that or find new people that are along
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: the same lines as what you were hanging out with before.
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: Yes, So okay, so you're now that you've moved back
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: to Bismarck, or you moved to Bismarck when you're twenty two,
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: do you self connection or did you self connection with
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: your son at that time?
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: So when I was twenty almost twenty one, I took
• 5:54
  Speaker 4: him back and took him to Nevada.
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: So I had.
• 5:57
  Speaker 4: Him until he was about five. Then there was a
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: paternity test and the dad was because I was trying
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: to get help from the state, so they of course
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: they go for child sport. So there was DNA tests
• 6:13
  Speaker 4: and found out who I always know who his dad was,
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: but proved to him that he was the father. And
• 6:22
  Speaker 4: you know, my addiction was probably the most rampant during
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: this age, and I was not fit to be a mother.
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: I shouldn't have been that way at all. But his
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: father drew up papers with a lawyer and told me
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: that we were going to have fifty to fifty custody.
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: And I didn't read the papers and just handed him
• 6:47
  Speaker 4: over basically, but I have had a relationship with him
• 6:51
  Speaker 4: his whole life. He and now he lives with me
• 6:55
  Speaker 4: and we have an amazing relationship.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: But so time was it was still kind of bouncing
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: between the alcohol and the pot and your what were
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: what were you when you were talking about how it
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: was running pretty rampid at that point?
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: So was that still your drugs of choice at that point?
• 7:12
  Speaker 4: No, cocaine and ecstasy, any stimulant was was my drug choice.
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: Alcohol would just blackout and make me so sick that
• 7:23
  Speaker 4: I didn't really like it. I mean, I'd do it
• 7:25
  Speaker 4: because you know, but it was not my drug choice.
• 7:29
  Speaker 4: So yeah, stimulants mostly through that age.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: What did you find like funding your habit? What did
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: that look like for you in terms of the use.
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: Well, I've worked in the bar industry in my almost
• 7:46
  Speaker 4: my entire life until I started working at Abuse Adult
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: Resource Center, So the bar life is abundant with people
• 7:58
  Speaker 4: that use and drink, so that's and then I always
• 8:03
  Speaker 4: had cash on hand being a bartender in a server,
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: so I always had a made it a point to
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: have a job so I could support my habit. So
• 8:14
  Speaker 4: that's usually how it worked for me.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So then obviously when you're working in a bar,
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: You're you're you're talking about how that your alcohol wasn't
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: maybe necessarily your drug o choice, but still you use
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: it or however that looks? How does that progress then
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: for you in terms of your use? Does it does
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: it make it worse? Does it keep it? Or is
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: it just a consistent like thing looking like that for
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: you in terms of your use of drugs or does
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: that change your drugs that.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: You're using at all?
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: Or what you know?
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: How does that how does that change or does it
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: not change for you?
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: Okay, So like when I use alcohol.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: Or any drugs when you're working, so you're talking about
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: working in the like in the bar environment, and you're
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: probably knowing more people that you maybe have access to
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: the drugs, right, yes, So what does that look like
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: in terms of your uses? It's still continuing kind of
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: that same use of drugs or do you try other
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: stuff or what?
• 9:17
  Speaker 4: So my first week in treatment I talked a little
• 9:22
  Speaker 4: bit about my usage history and they and my counselor
• 9:25
  Speaker 4: said I was a garbage can addict, which meant I
• 9:29
  Speaker 4: would take it and then ask you what it was.
• 9:31
  Speaker 4: So it didn't matter, Okay, it just didn't matter. As
• 9:34
  Speaker 4: long as I was numb, it didn't matter.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So how old were you when you were in treatment?
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: Then? Twenty one was my first treatment?
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: And where was that at hurt Okay? Were you in
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: residential treatment at that time.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: Or what they do?
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: They only had outpatient in Bismark, And so I was
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: IOP and Kurt Snyder was my counselor.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: And for those of you that don't know, Kurt is
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: executive director at Heartview and has been there for I
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: don't know a billion years.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: Now, over twenty years.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: Kurt is also very active in the recovery community and
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: has been sober for over thirty years. So so glad
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: to hear that. I mean, he's been part of your
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: journey as well. So what happens then when you're in
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: in the outpatient programming? What is what what happens for
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: you at that point?
• 10:26
  Speaker 4: So I start to feel like I might actually really
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: have a problem and that I should probably start to
• 10:35
  Speaker 4: look at things. One of the first things I really
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: wanted to do was make a monds because I felt,
• 10:43
  Speaker 4: you know, when my mind started clearing, there was things
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: I would do, would do that I couldn't believe I
• 10:51
  Speaker 4: thought they were okay, Like while I was doing them,
• 10:54
  Speaker 4: they were very justified. And then when my mind clear
• 11:00
  Speaker 4: and I started thinking about things, I felt super guilty.
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: So I really wanted to say sorry, but I you know,
• 11:08
  Speaker 4: I that wasn't the right time for it. But that's
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: I remember feeling that I stayed clean and sober through
• 11:17
  Speaker 4: my whole treatment. But I went back home to Nevada
• 11:22
  Speaker 4: and met up with friends and I relapsed. And I
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: can't tell you the guilt I felt after that happened,
• 11:32
  Speaker 4: you know, just that outpatient treatment had ruined my drinking
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: and using. I felt guilty. I knew that I did
• 11:42
  Speaker 4: something wrong. I knew I you know, it felt like
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: I had to use like and not think about it.
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: So I had to do it without trying to think
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: it through or I wouldn't have done it.
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: Kind of a thing.
• 11:56
  Speaker 4: But I wanted, you know, that inner torment of my
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: but I know I shouldn't.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: So when you were talking about that a little bit too,
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: like when you so when you come out of treatment
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: and you're sober, then at that point, how how are
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: you feeling otherwise? Like like for me, when I came
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: out of treatment, I was battling some of the things
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: that you're talking about too, like you're looking for forgiveness.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: But the depression for me was pretty high and the anxiety,
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: how did you feel like was that similar or did
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: you not battle that as much?
• 12:31
  Speaker 4: No, So I've suffered with both depression anxiety my whole life.
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: And so when you take away the drugs and the
• 12:38
  Speaker 4: alcohol from me, which was my cure, definitely deep depression, suicidal,
• 12:46
  Speaker 4: so much anxiety, couldn't sleep, I didn't know what to
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: do with myself, couldn't be alone, didn't want to be
• 12:53
  Speaker 4: with people kind of thing. It was just it was tough,
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: very much.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: I think explain that to people what you just said.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: I can't be alone, but I don't want to be
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: with people, right like I like, don't put me in
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: a social setting, my god, no, thank you, But yet
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: like I don't want to be by myself, Like I
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: can be for a little while, but it's not probably
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: the best avenue for me either. So navigating that is
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: like unexplainable. I don't even I know, I get what
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: you're saying, but trying to figure that out. So what
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: what do you think that that?
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: How that looked for you?
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: Like did you seek different types of help then for
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: that or like what what helped you with that that
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: piece of it.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: So I did.
• 13:37
  Speaker 4: Go to a therapist, been and counseling pretty much since
• 13:42
  Speaker 4: I went to my first treatment, So I really believe
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: in therapy and counseling. So that was a huge part
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: of my story of getting better with a lot of
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: the trauma from growing up, you know, and realizing some
• 13:57
  Speaker 4: of the things that happened weren't my fault and giving
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: myself some grace and some forgiveness. And then I went
• 14:06
  Speaker 4: into actually after a relapse I had went into it
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: was called partial hospitalization. I don't think it's there anymore,
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: but it was a dual diagnosis, so we got to
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: work on depression, anxiety, and my addiction issues all all
• 14:22
  Speaker 4: in the same place. So that actually was the best
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: treatment I have had, just because of the the work
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: on like the whole picture type of.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: Things, so realizing how a lot of them are connected.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: Yes, right, So was that where was?
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: Where?
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Where did you go through that?
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: At sant Alexis? Had it?
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: Okay?
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah? Here? Yeah?
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: So what did that look like? Then?
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: So it's partial? Like how long is that treatment program?
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: Do you recall is that you were in it or
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: what it looked like for.
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: You, I feel like I was in it for almost
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: a year because we did it. They don't do impatient,
• 15:02
  Speaker 4: but I was living in domestic violence. So they got
• 15:06
  Speaker 4: me in like a apartment that was right across the
• 15:09
  Speaker 4: street from the treatment, and so I did intensive every day,
• 15:15
  Speaker 4: eight hours a day for probably like five months, and
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: then I did like drop down to like two days,
• 15:21
  Speaker 4: and then I did like an aftercare sort of thing.
• 15:24
  Speaker 4: So yeah, it felt like it was almost a year
• 15:26
  Speaker 4: of of doing that.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: So how did that look like for you in terms
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: of your relationships with family or with other people? You
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: mentioned the domestic violence peace, Like, how did that? How
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: did that look like?
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: So there was.
• 15:44
  Speaker 4: A huge relapse during my relationship with in domestic violence.
• 15:50
  Speaker 4: So I had been like the probably the best five
• 15:55
  Speaker 4: years of sobriety I've I had that I had my
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: teeth taken out and I was prescribed pain pills and
• 16:04
  Speaker 4: that's when my addiction with pain pills started. And that
• 16:08
  Speaker 4: was like I talked about my twenties being pretty crazy
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: into addiction, but the pain pills made me do things
• 16:15
  Speaker 4: that I thought I would never do. So I yeah,
• 16:22
  Speaker 4: and the withdrawal from that and the recovery from that,
• 16:26
  Speaker 4: especially with having like so much recovery in my past.
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: Now it was a rough, rough couple of years with that.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: So so when you were going through a draw with that,
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: did you were you going through a treatment or help
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: with that or were you managing that on your own?
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: That was hard?
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: Yes, I was so.
• 16:44
  Speaker 4: First I tried to do it by myself and I
• 16:46
  Speaker 4: ended up in the psychord with trying to overdose. And
• 16:51
  Speaker 4: then I was sent to my not for because they
• 16:55
  Speaker 4: were the only one that was.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: Close enough to do detox. I did detox and I
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: don't really remember that.
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: So yeah, but yes, for about three weeks four weeks,
• 17:07
  Speaker 4: I tried to do it.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: On my own and it did not go well. It's
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: just horrible with raw.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: So you're you're in a program in my not utilizing
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: that after you get past some of the worst parts
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: of the withdrawal, which some of our patients some of
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: them utilize medication assisted therapy, different types of all different kinds.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: Everybody has their own path, but getting past that first,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: really really nasty piece is that's tremendous for people to
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: get through that.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: So how does that feel for you?
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about clarity then also, right, so you get
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: passed out a little bit and things start to maybe
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: start resonating a little bit more.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: How are you feeling then in terms.
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: Of that, So I'm realizing that the relationship I'm in
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: is dangerous, unhealthy. I don't think that I can stop
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: using hif I go back to him.
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: But I have this.
• 18:08
  Speaker 4: Baby, this two I think he was too a two
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: year old, and I love him so much, and I
• 18:18
  Speaker 4: just know that I'm screwing up. So I didn't want
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: to be with his dad anymore. But I didn't know
• 18:28
  Speaker 4: what to do, and I didn't know how to be
• 18:29
  Speaker 4: on my own with a child. So actually, after mina,
• 18:34
  Speaker 4: I went back to that partial hospitalization program to finish
• 18:38
  Speaker 4: up some treatment, and so we.
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: Talk about clarity.
• 18:45
  Speaker 4: I knew, I knew I needed to clean up or
• 18:48
  Speaker 4: I was probably going to die, and so I chose
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: to live and worked really really hard to forgive myself,
• 19:02
  Speaker 4: be a good mom, be good to my family. So
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: that was a huge treatment too. That was an eye
• 19:10
  Speaker 4: opening one for me as well, especially like when when
• 19:14
  Speaker 4: I look at marriage, I never wanted to get divorced,
• 19:17
  Speaker 4: like I tried so hard so that wouldn't end up,
• 19:20
  Speaker 4: but it just yeah, right, So was.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: Your at the time when you were in that relationship,
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: was your spouse was he also using?
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: Yes?
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: So that doesn't help either in terms of the environment. Okay,
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: so you mentioned now you have a two year old,
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: so now okay, So and then how old is your
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: other son.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: At that point? He is eighteen?
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Okay, So what happens then, like you're okay, You're finally
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: you know, you're yay, You're at that point maybe where
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: you feel like things are a little bit more under control.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: Where is that put you in life otherwise than what
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: are you up to at that point?
• 20:00
  Speaker 4: So I'm still working in the bars, and so I
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: would tell myself, you don't like alcoholic should be a problem,
• 20:07
  Speaker 4: but I would find myself acting like an addict, you know.
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: So for instance, I'd stay up till four in the morning,
• 20:13
  Speaker 4: I'd go hang out with everyone that's doing lines of cocaine.
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: I just wouldn't do it.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 20:18
  Speaker 4: And it was really sick way of living. But I
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: stay clean. I don't know how, you know. So I
• 20:28
  Speaker 4: just basically lived like an addict without using, which was
• 20:34
  Speaker 4: very unhealthy.
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: So my son and I we split time with his dad.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: So he's fifty to fifty.
• 20:48
  Speaker 4: I have an amazing relationship with him, Like things are great.
• 20:55
  Speaker 4: I yeah, things got way better as far as as
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: a mom, But I always feel guilty about what happened
• 21:06
  Speaker 4: to him while I was using, you know, so I
• 21:09
  Speaker 4: still to this DAYE struggle with that.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: But well, upward and on, we're right right, you know.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: I mean that's we look back at everything. We'd all
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: change a billion different things. Yeah, I when you're talking
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: about that, you that you still worked in the same place,
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: you still hung out with the same people, but maintain sobriety.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: Most people can't say that.
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's remarkable because when you're around that all
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: the time and you still have the willpower to not
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: use when you easily could have without you know, without
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: even a thought.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's awesome. So nice work to you.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: A good job, because that'd be really hard not to
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: get right back into it again. Okay, So during this
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: time now that you're maintaining the variety are you you're
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: talking about I know you mentioned that you maintained going
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: to therapist or therapy. How about support from the from
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: the sober piece of it? Are you, like, do you
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: do you go to meetings? Do you have support from
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: family or friends that aren't using. You know, how does
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: that because that's tough if you don't have that.
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: So uh So, during most of my journey and sobriety,
• 22:25
  Speaker 4: I go attend AA and NA and had a sponsor
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: for this last couple of years. I I guess I've
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: walked away from that a little bit. I go, I
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: went to an NA convention a couple of months ago
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: or last month, and those are still so amazing to me.
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: So much clean time in one place is just awesome.
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: I just.
• 22:54
  Speaker 4: I don't know, don't like to be honest, the clean
• 22:59
  Speaker 4: time I'm in sobriety for women and EDNA is lacking.
• 23:05
  Speaker 4: So it's hard for me to uh find find that
• 23:10
  Speaker 4: companionship there, you know, and people talking about AA and
• 23:17
  Speaker 4: EDA and so I I don't drink, like what drinking
• 23:24
  Speaker 4: isn't really what is the problem is that pain pill deal?
• 23:29
  Speaker 4: So I felt more comfortable at A when I came back.
• 23:32
  Speaker 4: So I don't know if I suppose if I tried A,
• 23:36
  Speaker 4: because I do, you know, have a problem with everything so.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: Well, I think, I mean, some people are meetings are
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: their definite route of what keeps them on track. But
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: I think everybody has their own route, you know, and
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: what they find that works for them. I mean, hey,
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: whatever you got to do, right, So that makes sense
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: to me. So you were working in the bar environment,
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: and then you talked about how you switched over to
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: the Abuse Adult Resource Center, and you talked a little
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: bit about your family in terms of growing up and
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: struggling with some of that abuse. What does that look
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: like then for you to be on the other side
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: then of helping people.
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: So it is an honor to So I left that
• 24:21
  Speaker 4: abusive relationship and ended up at Abuse Adult Resource Center.
• 24:25
  Speaker 4: I stayed in their shelters, I worked in the groups
• 24:29
  Speaker 4: and did work with them for about a year and
• 24:34
  Speaker 4: then you know, got my sobriety back and just things
• 24:40
  Speaker 4: were just amazing. So giving back what was given to
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: me is amazing. I love my job so much. I
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: feel like when somebody has gone through what you've gotten
• 24:55
  Speaker 4: through makes it a lot easier to talk to the
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: and believe when they say I get it. Like type
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: of thing. But I've always really wanted to work with
• 25:10
  Speaker 4: addicts too, So we'll see what the future brace for that.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: Well, and I hate to compare it to this, but
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: I don't know another way of explaining it for people.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: But sometimes when you are.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: When you are seeking out help and you sit down
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: with someone, for the lack of the better words, when
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: they have street credit, it's so much more relatable. So
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: when I went through treatment, some of the folks that
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: helped us or were part of the team had been
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: gone through that whole journey, and then some had not,
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: And not that they aren't less qualified, but I feel
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: like when you talk to someone and they say, yeah,
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm now five years sober to your sober
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: whatever it was, I mean, it just feels like you're
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: a little bit more I guess, being able to relate
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: and understand each other. And I think that's true with everything,
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: not just addiction, but whatever it is. When you're able
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: to sit down and talk to someone, it just makes
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: more sense.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: So I totally get that talk a little bit about
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: because I follow.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: You on social media and so I saw that you
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: attended that any conference? How did you learn about that?
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: And kind of just paint that picture because I've never
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: been to a conference. I mean, I think that's important
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: for people to know what does that look like?
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: Like? What did you do when you were there?
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: Okay, so I did get remarried to a wonderful man
• 26:41
  Speaker 4: who is huge in Na. He lives in Breezes, Na.
• 26:44
  Speaker 4: So that's how I heard about the conference. But mostly
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: you can find them a meeting, social media. They're pretty
• 26:51
  Speaker 4: much out there to find. But so while I was there,
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: so they have breakout sessions where they do like this
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: year when the topic was steps, So each breakout set,
• 27:06
  Speaker 4: section or session was about a step, so step one,
• 27:11
  Speaker 4: step two. And then they would do like workshops, so
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: I went to a sponsorship workshop. They do speakers, so
• 27:19
  Speaker 4: they do like a main event speaker and then there's speakers.
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: Sprinkled throughout the day.
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: And the best part of the weekend, I believe is
• 27:27
  Speaker 4: the clean time countdown. There was like over one hundred
• 27:31
  Speaker 4: and ninety years of sobriety.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: And oh my gosh, that's awesome.
• 27:36
  Speaker 4: So you just get chilled and just and they did
• 27:41
  Speaker 4: like a roll call of how many states were there,
• 27:44
  Speaker 4: so it was like thirty or not thirty, sorry, like
• 27:46
  Speaker 4: twenty different states came over. Twenty five hundred people were there.
• 27:51
  Speaker 4: It was yeah, So that's my favorite part of the weekend.
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: But and they did there's the fellowship, so you hang
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: out with other addicts and you go out to East
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: and you get to meet people from all over the country,
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: people that are more outgoing than I am, meet more people.
• 28:08
  Speaker 4: But I leave it to my husband. He's really good
• 28:13
  Speaker 4: at that. But yeah, it's a fun weekend. It's refreshing.
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: It reminds me why I.
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: Do this well.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: And I think that, you know, a lot of people
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: talk about how we have a strong recovery community here
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: in comparison to some others. We're really fortunate that way, right,
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: But I get what you're saying about meeting other people
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: not from here, because at the end of the day,
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: we all have very similar not story, but struggle is
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: the word I guess. I usually say like, yeah, you know,
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: I get you. So, no matter where they're from or
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: whatever their story is in terms of their growing up,
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: you can always relate a little bit from that piece
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: of their life. And so is that is that a
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: yearly thing and that bounce around the country locations or
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: why does that luck?
• 29:08
  Speaker 4: So this convention is yearly in the same place in Omaha.
• 29:12
  Speaker 4: So we pre registered, so we're going next year.
• 29:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we did that.
• 29:15
  Speaker 4: The year before, so next year will be our third year.
• 29:19
  Speaker 4: There was another one that they take over like a
• 29:21
  Speaker 4: whole resort in Minnesota on Pelican Lake, and so they
• 29:28
  Speaker 4: have that every year too. So usually if a convention
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: is somewhere, it's the same place at the same right
• 29:37
  Speaker 4: around the same time of year. So like if you
• 29:40
  Speaker 4: heard about it this year and you want to go
• 29:42
  Speaker 4: next year, it'll be the exact same place and the
• 29:45
  Speaker 4: weekend and everything will be the same.
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: But cool.
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: So you okay, so that you've gone a couple of times, now,
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: have you seen any shifts or any major trend changes
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: on things that they address? You know, because every I know,
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: every you months or so, we talk about trends or
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: things that we see that maybe are a little bit
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: different what you know, has that Have you seen anything
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: like that there in terms of how they're working through
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: some of this, some of the struggles with people or
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: is it you know, kind of staying with the same
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: types of things just because I mean, at the end
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: of the day, the foundation is still the same, right.
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: Exactly what you just said. So the foundation of na
• 30:26
  Speaker 4: is step work, fellowship, spirituality, so that never waivers. A
• 30:34
  Speaker 4: huge thing with na Is.
• 30:35
  Speaker 3: Hugs. They don't do handschacks, they do hugs. So they have.
• 30:40
  Speaker 4: Like for like greets, they have people that give out hugs,
• 30:43
  Speaker 4: so they wear like a bright yellow vest and give
• 30:46
  Speaker 4: out hugs through the whole time. And I'm not a hugger,
• 30:50
  Speaker 4: so that always makes me nervous. But anyway, so that
• 30:55
  Speaker 4: I think it's more of a foundation and traditional way
• 30:59
  Speaker 4: that that things are done. I mean sometimes, like I
• 31:04
  Speaker 4: said though, that they change topics. So next year I
• 31:07
  Speaker 4: don't know what the topic is, but all the workshops
• 31:09
  Speaker 4: will be around that topic.
• 31:12
  Speaker 3: So every year that topic changes.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: But and it's kind of a cool to have the
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: reunion too of some people you won't see until the
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: next year, so that's really cool too. How does that,
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: you know, bringing some of that in in your experience,
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: how does that help you too? And working with victims
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: of domestic violence, because you get that side too.
• 31:34
  Speaker 4: Absolutely, So there is a huge correlation between addiction and
• 31:39
  Speaker 4: domestic violence. And sometimes I share that I'll be recovery,
• 31:45
  Speaker 4: especially if they're struggling, like with the guilt of it all.
• 31:51
  Speaker 4: I use the knowledge of meetings and other ways to
• 31:57
  Speaker 4: get clean and help guide them sort of without talking
• 32:03
  Speaker 4: of recovery. It just I kind of feel the situation out.
• 32:06
  Speaker 4: But sure, it definitely helps to know that side as well,
• 32:10
  Speaker 4: for sure.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, Yeah, So thoughts on anything else in terms of
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: you know, like, so you're you're in a wonderful spot now,
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: I'm so happy for you, and and the conference. Thing
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: I think is it's really great to share with our
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: followers because you know, having something different to go and
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: do and learn from people is is cool. But I
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: think also having a really a chance to get away
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: but to a safe place, because let's be realistic, most
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: vacations or trips that you go on is revolved around
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: partying and using so to go somewhere that's you know,
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: that's not taking place and everyone else is also not
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: doing that. To me, sounds like really that would be
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: really nice, you know, because it's tough to find that.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: So finding those those types of things too or I
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: think that's awesome.
• 33:11
  Speaker 4: Yep, Yeah, I'm grateful for the opportunities to go to
• 33:15
  Speaker 4: those things, right absolutely, Like I said, you feel just
• 33:17
  Speaker 4: to feel like really fresh and and everything is clearer
• 33:22
  Speaker 4: again and.
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: Just yeah, there are great experiences.
• 33:27
  Speaker 4: I don't think that I've ever left one of those
• 33:30
  Speaker 4: feeling worse than when I went there.
• 33:32
  Speaker 3: So yeah, so that's always awesome.
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no kidding, Well, yeah, that's cool. Thoughts on anything
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: else that you think you know, and you talked about
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: that you know where you're working and what you're doing
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: now and how you're helping people. And I think that
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: that's important for our followers, whether they're here in the
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: Bismarck Manding community or wherever you are, to definitely seek out.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: Help because there are people.
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: There that are that are ready and willing to help
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: you with whatever it is your struggle is. But when
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: I worked at the bus Adult Resource Center, you know,
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: we had a lot of people that came in, like
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: you said, with the correlation, you know, there was there's
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: unfortunately sometimes that the domestic violence piece of it is
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: right on with whatever use is happening, and that stinks,
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: but it is what it is. And so being able
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: to help people the way that you do is awesome.
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: To be able to have that history and be able
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: to share that and know that it's being being taken
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: to heart and and and be able to move forward.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: So I think that that's awesome.
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: I appreciate you coming today and sharing your story. And
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: I know you're not a hugger, so I'm not gonna
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: help you, but I you know, I just think that
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: what you're doing now and how you're taking it forward
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: is is very inspirational and helpful for people, and so
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: I appreciate you and I thank you for all that
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: you're doing.
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: So thank you, Joan.
• 35:07
  Speaker 4: This helps me to telling my story and talking about
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: my past and uh and how good things are that
• 35:13
  Speaker 4: helps me too, So thank you for asking me. Yeah, absolutely,
• 35:16
  Speaker 4: high five, high five.
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us on this episode of Recovering Chronicles.
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: Find out more about artviewat kurte dot org. And keep
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: moving forward, remembering the story is yours and you are
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: the author.