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Transcript

Oxytocin Has Entered the Chat · Relatively Stable

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[music]
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SPEAKER_00: Oxytocin has entered the chat.
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SPEAKER_00: Dopamine is so yesterday.
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[music]
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SPEAKER_00: What we've been longing for this whole time is safety.
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SPEAKER_00: I used to be allergic to the word sweetness.
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SPEAKER_00: Ugh, that was even hard to type.
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SPEAKER_00: The word conjured a sense of the forced purity that was driven home
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SPEAKER_00: during my childhood spent in a cult.
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SPEAKER_00: Sweetness meant keeping my mouth shut and making sure my face was arranged in
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SPEAKER_00: a pleasant way, that I was devoid of difficult emotion.
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SPEAKER_00: Sweetness meant never questioning, never arguing, being always available and agreeable.
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SPEAKER_00: But lately, that word has begun to change and grow for me.
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SPEAKER_00: Like many things twisted by fear to keep us supple,
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SPEAKER_00: the underlying complexity of sweetness is breaking open to show me its seeds.
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SPEAKER_00: Sweetness,
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SPEAKER_00: like one of the apples the horses bobbed for unsuccessfully
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SPEAKER_00: at our annual Halloween barn bash, doesn't come in one flavor.
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SPEAKER_00: It's a fruit that emerges at the closing of the year The lush harvest giving way to
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SPEAKER_00: the clicking limbs of winter.
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SPEAKER_00: The smooth,
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SPEAKER_00: bright skin condenses into the color of our imaginings,
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SPEAKER_00: a protective layer for our innermost thoughts.
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SPEAKER_00: Sweetness, like comfort and safety, is taking me a long time to get used to.
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SPEAKER_00: Like a horse eyeing me suspiciously when I'm trying to lure them in with
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SPEAKER_00: a peppermint,
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SPEAKER_00: I want to know all of these things,
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SPEAKER_00: sweetness,
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SPEAKER_00: comfort, safety, ease,
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SPEAKER_00: but I'm afraid that the reward will be short-lived and the exchange of work greater
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SPEAKER_00: than my gain.
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SPEAKER_00: My curiosity finally wins.
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SPEAKER_00: What does my life look like when I can trust my environment and the people around me?
2:31
SPEAKER_00: Well, that was terrible advice.
2:35
SPEAKER_00: When I first came back to horses as an adult,
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SPEAKER_00: a few people on the farm where I worked became close to me like sisters.
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SPEAKER_00: We spent hours together grooming,
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SPEAKER_00: chatting, and leaning over the walls of the round pen as we watched each other ride.
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SPEAKER_00: On an average normal day,
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SPEAKER_00: I groomed Max in the wash rack while one of these women conditioned the tail
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SPEAKER_00: of their big pointy saddlebred.
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SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't tell people you have anxiety, she said.
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SPEAKER_00: If you're ever trying to shut me up, shame is a great place to start.
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SPEAKER_00: It stops me in my tracks.
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SPEAKER_00: But once the initial shock wore off, I became genuinely curious about her reasoning.
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SPEAKER_00: I asked her why.
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SPEAKER_00: The gist of it was that she wanted to see me thrive as a riding instructor,
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SPEAKER_00: and she feared anxiety would cause people to discredit my knowledge.
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SPEAKER_00: She felt that anxiety would scare people off because they'd think I was broken.
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SPEAKER_00: Luckily,
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SPEAKER_00: we've come a long way in accepting and disclosing emotions in the few short decades
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SPEAKER_00: since I started teaching, thank heavens.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm glad that she offered some terrible advice from a very well-meaning place
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SPEAKER_00: because her words stayed with me.
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SPEAKER_00: I'd even say that she offered me an entirely new business model.
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SPEAKER_00: What if I started a riding stable where people felt safe talking about what they were feeling?
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SPEAKER_00: There are very few places where I feel safe.
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SPEAKER_00: Living with anxiety means that I am constantly evaluating the people around me,
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SPEAKER_00: my surroundings, and I have a constant creeping fear of what may happen next.
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SPEAKER_00: I can't do anything simply.
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SPEAKER_00: An overnight trip requires weeks of planning and packing,
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SPEAKER_00: most of it things I won't even use once I'm there.
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SPEAKER_00: If you see me out at a party and it looks like I'm calm, cool, and in control...
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SPEAKER_00: And having a good time, chances are I'm not.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm deeply practiced and skilled at making it look like I have everything under control.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: This is how trauma works.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: We construct a life from wounds that we absorbed along the way,
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SPEAKER_00: usually in the first years of life.
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SPEAKER_00: It's exhausting trying to be prepared.
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SPEAKER_00: I feel like I always need to be ready to defend myself,
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SPEAKER_00: explain myself, or manage other people's emotions.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm super open about being married twice
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SPEAKER_00: before Christopher helped me realize he was my soulmate.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: Notice how I'm explaining that like I need to qualify it.
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SPEAKER_00: I cannot tell you the number of people who have grimaced when I said I'm on my third marriage.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm really good friends with both my ex-husbands and that's given me
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SPEAKER_00: a privileged position to share our thoughts as we grow and mature.
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SPEAKER_00: In those early marriages,
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SPEAKER_00: both husbands were annoyed at me for living a life constructed in the prison
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SPEAKER_00: of my anxiety.
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SPEAKER_00: Both husbands mentioned my anxiety as a reason for us divorcing.
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SPEAKER_00: Do you know what has happened to both of these men?
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SPEAKER_00: They have eventually had a panic attack.
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SPEAKER_00: They've each apologized to me for not taking my affliction seriously.
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SPEAKER_00: They were each knocked to their knees by the immense power of a panic punch to the gut.
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SPEAKER_00: They finally understood my lived experience.
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SPEAKER_00: There's a big difference between being physically safe and feeling safe.
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SPEAKER_00: My husbands eventually understood that the danger I felt was real,
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SPEAKER_00: even when nothing around me was worth fearing.
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SPEAKER_00: I didn't choose to live this way,
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SPEAKER_00: and no amount of reassurance could convince my body to stand down.
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SPEAKER_00: I think that's what I've been searching for all these years.
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SPEAKER_00: People and places where I can finally stop preparing for everything that might not be.
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SPEAKER_00: Dopamine had a good run.
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SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about oxytocin.
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SPEAKER_00: Dopamine is the darling of social media and self-help gurus.
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SPEAKER_00: They use it to explain why we can't put our phones down.
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SPEAKER_00: It's a neurotransmitter that is involved in motivation, anticipation, and reward.
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SPEAKER_00: It's what keeps us interested in pursuing the next exciting thing.
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SPEAKER_00: Goodness, we love the next new exciting thing.
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SPEAKER_00: Dopamine is also the crafty mechanism that tricks us into believing we're in love
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SPEAKER_00: when we're really just chasing the next hit of our addiction.
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SPEAKER_00: Anxiety made me really, really good at this.
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SPEAKER_00: We've built an entire culture around chasing the next new big reward from dings
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SPEAKER_00: on our phone to another purchase and And then we wonder why we're exhausted.
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SPEAKER_00: I've made an entire life out of chasing dopamine,
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SPEAKER_00: being depleted of dopamine,
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SPEAKER_00: and then wondering why my internal system was collapsing.
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SPEAKER_00: The horses showed me that there had to be a better way to live,
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SPEAKER_00: something gentler and more sustainable.
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SPEAKER_00: Thank you, horses.
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SPEAKER_00: Enter oxytocin,
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SPEAKER_00: the chemical that skips the infatuation phase and goes straight into good,
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SPEAKER_00: solid, reliable, dependable, non-depleting care.
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SPEAKER_00: Oxytocin is often called the love hormone,
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SPEAKER_00: but that doesn't begin to describe what it does inside our bodies.
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SPEAKER_00: It's involved in childbirth,
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SPEAKER_00: breastfeeding, attachment, bonding, sexual intimacy, and social connection.
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SPEAKER_00: It helps us recognize and respond to the people and animals we've formed friendships with.
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SPEAKER_00: It's also involved in,
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SPEAKER_00: take note here, the complicated business of how our bodies respond to stress.
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SPEAKER_00: Oxytocin creates the biology of belonging.
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SPEAKER_00: Remember what it felt like being held by someone you trust?
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SPEAKER_00: Oxytocin is the feel-good hormone that helps us to be intimate, communicative, and secure.
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SPEAKER_00: This hormone likes things to be dependable, quiet, and safe.
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SPEAKER_00: It could care less about creating something new out of boredom because it honors
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SPEAKER_00: the warmth of our granny's kitchen.
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SPEAKER_00: Researchers have found that spending time with horses...
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SPEAKER_00: Whether through gentle touch or simply standing quietly together,
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SPEAKER_00: can increase oxytocin levels in the horses and the humans.
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SPEAKER_00: Other studies are exploring how these relationships affect stress,
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SPEAKER_00: emotional regulation, and our ability to connect with others.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: Our brains are constantly learning from our experiences, aka neuroplasticity.
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SPEAKER_00: The neural pathways we've been developing our entire lives don't have to be
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SPEAKER_00: the ones we're stuck with forever.
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SPEAKER_00: When we repeatedly experience something as safe and pleasurable,
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SPEAKER_00: we can build and strengthen different pathways.
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SPEAKER_00: Oxytocin is one of the chemicals involved in bonding and social learning.
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SPEAKER_00: So think about what this means for someone
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SPEAKER_00: whose brain has spent decades practicing fear and Every quiet encounter with
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SPEAKER_00: a horse offers another chance to learn.
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SPEAKER_00: Over time, these experiences help us practice different responses to the world.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm living proof that horses can help humans feel better.
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SPEAKER_00: Every day, another piece of the puzzle becomes clear to me.
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SPEAKER_00: I really cannot thank that woman enough for warning me about being honest about anxiety.
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SPEAKER_00: Without her...
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SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't be doing the work with the humans and the horses that I am today.
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SPEAKER_00: That wasn't on the lesson plan.
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SPEAKER_00: It's been a few years since we brought Rupert Isaacson to the farm to train my staff
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SPEAKER_00: and the general public about the intricacies of classical in-hand work.
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SPEAKER_00: This old groundwork method develops the bodies and minds of horses and
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SPEAKER_00: the humans working beside them.
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SPEAKER_00: Before his visit,
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SPEAKER_00: I spent time with Rupert at a gathering of his followers in Denver,
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SPEAKER_00: Colorado, where I shared our farm story.
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SPEAKER_00: He was the first person to spark my interest in oxytocin because of the work he
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SPEAKER_00: and Temple Grandin were doing to identify horse motion in Piaf and the possibilities
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SPEAKER_00: for better communication and brain development for humans partnering with them.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm thankful for the lessons I took away from my time with him.
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SPEAKER_00: But what stands out most from the weekend we spent working
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SPEAKER_00: with him was what happened when one of our staff members felt overwhelmed.
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SPEAKER_00: Michelle was working with her brand new horse, Faith.
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SPEAKER_00: They barely knew each other and were just starting a long, hard journey of learning trust.
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SPEAKER_00: I stood by the rail as Rupert taught,
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SPEAKER_00: and I noticed when Michelle needed to take a break from the pressure of the session
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SPEAKER_00: to regroup and process.
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SPEAKER_00: I gave her permission to take a step back and feel everything she needed to feel.
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SPEAKER_00: Taking a little hiatus from the day's plan isn't a rare occurrence at my farm.
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SPEAKER_00: It's not an event or a problem to be overcome.
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SPEAKER_00: Working with the feelings that arise in us is part of the work.
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SPEAKER_00: Later, Rupert came to me and said he was amazed by how everyone in the clinic cared
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SPEAKER_00: about what Michelle was experiencing.
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SPEAKER_00: He noted that our response was unique and rare in farm environments.
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SPEAKER_00: I found it curious that something so ordinary to us was extraordinary to him.
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SPEAKER_00: We hadn't done anything special.
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SPEAKER_00: We just recognized that someone needed a moment to feel safe,
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SPEAKER_00: and we made room for her to have it.
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SPEAKER_00: I wonder how many times we deny ourselves and each other a simple kindness
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SPEAKER_00: because we're so determined to finish what we started.
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SPEAKER_00: And I wonder what might happen if we treated emotional safety as just as important
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SPEAKER_00: as physical safety.
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SPEAKER_00: The answer is probably what created the farm we're becoming at Lavender Hill.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: A little something for the regulars.
14:01
SPEAKER_00: Every week I tuck a little something extra behind the paywall for my paid subscribers.
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SPEAKER_00: It's usually a video from the farm,
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SPEAKER_00: a continuation of something we've been talking about,
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SPEAKER_00: or a reminder of our monthly Zoom gatherings.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: Think of it as pulling up a chair and staying for another cup of coffee.
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SPEAKER_00: Paid subscriptions help keep Stable Roots growing and support the work we're doing
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SPEAKER_00: with the horses at Bramblewood Stables.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: And because I appreciate the people who make all of this possible,
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SPEAKER_00: I like to leave them a little sweet treat each week.
14:37
SPEAKER_00: You're always welcome to join us.
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SPEAKER_00: Just click on the original essay and scroll down and you'll see a link to subscribe.
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SPEAKER_00: A little more sweetness please.
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SPEAKER_00: Two years ago,
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SPEAKER_00: I sat on a tap trunk during our annual Boo at the Barn celebration,
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SPEAKER_00: so sick that I could barely participate in the festivities happening around me.
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SPEAKER_00: I remember watching everyone enjoying themselves while I tried to force my body
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SPEAKER_00: to cooperate long enough to get through the afternoon.
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SPEAKER_00: I was miserable.
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SPEAKER_00: Worse, I was beginning to believe that I might never feel good again.
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SPEAKER_00: Feeling trapped inside your own body is terror inducing.
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SPEAKER_00: You can't just pack your bags and leave.
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SPEAKER_00: When you've lived with anxiety for most of your life,
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SPEAKER_00: being physically unwell gives your already overactive imagination a new collection
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SPEAKER_00: of horrors to contemplate.
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SPEAKER_00: I felt like I was serving a life sentence in a prison I couldn't escape.
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SPEAKER_00: And then last year, we barely arrived at Lavender Hill when Halloween rolled around.
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SPEAKER_00: Our lives had been uprooted and deposited in unfamiliar territory.
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SPEAKER_00: We were learning the rhythms of the new farm,
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SPEAKER_00: figuring out where everything belonged,
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SPEAKER_00: and trying to stomach that we'd actually pulled off the impossible.
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SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how to relax, even if I wanted to.
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SPEAKER_00: But this year was different.
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SPEAKER_00: We dressed the horses in costumes and watched them bob for apples,
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SPEAKER_00: a promise we fed them the apples afterward.
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SPEAKER_00: We ate together and played games.
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SPEAKER_00: We laughed and wandered through the woods to the old cemetery as
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SPEAKER_00: the October afternoon gave way to evening.
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SPEAKER_00: The big autumn moon rose above the pond,
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SPEAKER_00: and my best barn friend from childhood, Rosemary, was there beside me.
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SPEAKER_00: We eyed each other above the crowd and told stories of our horse girl Halloween's past.
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SPEAKER_00: I was there for all of it.
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SPEAKER_00: And by there for it,
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SPEAKER_00: I don't mean just physically,
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SPEAKER_00: which is something I'm good at accomplishing even when I feel terrible.
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SPEAKER_00: I mean I was actually enjoying myself.
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SPEAKER_00: I was surrounded by people who were looking after one another.
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SPEAKER_00: Nobody needed to impress anybody and no one competed for anything.
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SPEAKER_00: We enjoyed the horses, the farm, and the pleasure of each other's company.
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SPEAKER_00: I didn't feel the need to defend my questions, my decisions, or my actions.
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SPEAKER_00: It's wild how long you can live in hostile territory without realizing it until
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SPEAKER_00: after the threat is gone.
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SPEAKER_00: There was a sweetness to the whole evening that I would once have been suspicious of.
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SPEAKER_00: Maybe embracing the cozy isn't about buying more blankets and candles,
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SPEAKER_00: although for the record I am absolutely in favor of all those things.
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SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's really about allowing myself to be comfortable in the life I have created.
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SPEAKER_00: I want more hours like what I experienced at Boo at the Barn.
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SPEAKER_00: I want more laughter, more kindness, more people making room for each other.
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SPEAKER_00: I want to become as practiced at experiencing sweetness as I am at anticipating danger.
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SPEAKER_00: And maybe after all these years,
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SPEAKER_00: I'm finally beginning to believe that the good things in my life don't always have
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SPEAKER_00: to come with a price.
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SPEAKER_00: Embracing the cozy.
18:36
SPEAKER_00: I've spent so much of my life with my fists raised.
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SPEAKER_00: I fought to keep Bramblewood alive,
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SPEAKER_00: to find a place for our horses,
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SPEAKER_00: to be taken seriously,
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SPEAKER_00: to be understood,
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SPEAKER_00: and to create a farm where the feelings of the humans and horses matter as much as
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SPEAKER_00: the work we're doing together.
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SPEAKER_00: I've fought with my own body when it refused to cooperate.
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SPEAKER_00: And I've battled my mind when it insisted that catastrophe was waiting just around the corner.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm very good at fighting.
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SPEAKER_00: I know how to dig in my heels,
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SPEAKER_00: bare my teeth,
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SPEAKER_00: and keep going long after anyone else would have gone home and taken a nap.
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SPEAKER_00: The overriding question of my life is, why do horses help humans feel better?
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SPEAKER_00: But I'm starting to really lean into a new question.
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SPEAKER_00: What happens if I don't have to fight anymore?
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SPEAKER_00: For so long, I've been raging for a life that felt safe.
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SPEAKER_00: But what happens when I actually achieve safety?
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SPEAKER_00: I can't answer these questions fully right now,
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SPEAKER_00: but I do know that leaning into safety makes me want to feel cozy.
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SPEAKER_00: I love a good,
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SPEAKER_00: expensive sweater,
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SPEAKER_00: and I crave a cup of coffee,
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SPEAKER_00: But while these accessories set the scene,
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SPEAKER_00: I'm really talking about the cozy we cultivate when there isn't someone in
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SPEAKER_00: the room waiting for me to make a mistake.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the cozy that happens when a horse wanders across the field
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SPEAKER_00: to stand beside me and I don't have to do anything to deserve the company.
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SPEAKER_00: And when Sunday morning lessons become prayer meetings and the conversation between
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SPEAKER_00: the people and the horses feels like communion or And cozy like
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SPEAKER_00: when someone is having a difficult moment and the people around them make
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SPEAKER_00: a little room for what they're feeling instead of trying to make it go away.
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SPEAKER_00: Like the warmth of an expensive sweater,
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SPEAKER_00: there is luxury in being loved without having to perform,
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SPEAKER_00: explain, apologize, or prove that you're worth the trouble.
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SPEAKER_00: For someone who has spent most of her life examining every twitch
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SPEAKER_00: of another person's expression for evidence that something is wrong,
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SPEAKER_00: this is a big adjustment for me.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to turn off the part of me that notices everything, and I don't really want to.
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SPEAKER_00: That sensitivity has made me a good horsewoman,
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SPEAKER_00: a good teacher, and a person who knows when someone needs a little kindness.
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SPEAKER_00: But I'd like to stop treating everything I notice as a warning.
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SPEAKER_00: I have a farm full of old horses,
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SPEAKER_00: people I adore,
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SPEAKER_00: a husband who loves me,
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SPEAKER_00: and a life that would have seemed impossible to the woman who once sat on
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SPEAKER_00: a tack trunk wondering whether she'd ever feel well again.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't want to miss any more of it because I'm busy watching for the next disaster.
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SPEAKER_00: I want the sweetness.
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SPEAKER_00: I want the comfort.
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SPEAKER_00: I want the unique pleasure of belonging somewhere without fighting for my place.
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SPEAKER_00: And when I find myself standing in a field with a horse who has wandered over just
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SPEAKER_00: to keep me company,
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SPEAKER_00: I'd like to believe that neither one of us needs to be anywhere else.
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SPEAKER_00: Love Kim
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