Latest / Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin / Episode 15: Why These Phrases Work Every Time Tips for PARENTS

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Episode 15: Why These Phrases Work Every Time Tips for PARENTS · Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: I had to be perfect. When I was in college,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: it had to be an A +. If I didn't
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: get an A +, it crushed me. And it got
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: so bad that no one wanted to work on my team.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Nobody wanted to be in my group because good wasn't
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: good enough. It had to be perfect.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Perfect.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: It was in my fifties I discovered I wasn't always
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: like this. It was something that happened when I was
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: eight years old that drove me into this world of
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: perfectionism because my aunt told me, you'd be such a
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: pretty girl if you just lost some weight. And that
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: sent me down that rabbit hole of people pleasing and
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: needing to be perfect because I was fat. I was ugly.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Nobody would like me because my aunt told me so.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: So if I wasn't perfect, I just thought that nobody
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: would love me because they couldn't love me because I
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: was fat. And perfectionism was my way of making myself
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: safe in a world where I didn't feel comfortable being me.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: My guest today, Michelle Blaze, is... a coach of parents
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: and children who feel this same way. Michelle, I want
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: to know, why do you connect with these kids so much?
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: First of all, Francine, that's, wow, such a powerful story
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: you told.
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: And I totally get it. Because it probably isn't such
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: a surprise that I connect with these kids so much
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: because I was this kid too. So I picture myself
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: when I was, you know, sixth grade, seventh grade in school,
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: just like having an idea I wanted to share with
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: the class and then not putting my hand up and
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: like lowering it back down because I was like, what
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: if it's not right? What if people laugh at me?
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: So as a teacher, an elementary school teacher, I would
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: see these kids in my class doing the exact same thing.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: And often these kids were the kids who, you know,
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: they did well in school. They were super polite. They
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: weren't causing any like problems in class. So most teachers,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: I don't think, really noticed these kids. But I saw
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: these patterns and I saw what was really happening. I
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: would see the flicker in their eyes when they were
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: going to raise their hand and then they lower it
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: back down or I'd see them erasing in the back
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: of the classroom and that was exactly me in school
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: and my teachers didn't know. They never would have described
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: me as anxious or anything because they had no idea.
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  Speaker 3: I just pushed it all down.
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  Speaker 2: But interestingly enough, about six months ago, I was looking
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: through some old photos And I found this photo of
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: myself and I was like maybe third or fourth grade.
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  Speaker 2: And I was standing in front of all the kids
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  Speaker 2: in my neighborhood. And I was wearing pink bunny ears
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: and a pink gymnastics costume and leotards. And I was
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: leading a whole neighborhood parade of kids.
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: And I remembered, I.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: Was like, oh my gosh, I had organized that parade. I,
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  Speaker 2: told all the neighborhood kids they had to dress up.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: I went and I made flyers and I advertised it
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  Speaker 2: to the neighbors and said, you have to be there.
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  Speaker 2: And it was like this realization that I wasn't always
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: that perfectionistic, nervous kid in school. I was actually a
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: really brave little kid. And then I started like looking
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: at more photos and remembering more things like, oh my gosh,
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: I was like the lead in the school play in
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: grade two. In third grade, we did air bands where
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: we were performing and singing to music. And I remember
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to share the stage with anyone. I
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  Speaker 2: was like, I'm doing it myself. Like I want all
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: the attention. And it's like, how did I become that
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  Speaker 2: other older kid?
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: How did I lose that?
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  Speaker 2: And it just, it fueled my passion even more of like, okay,
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  Speaker 2: you're on the right track, Michelle, like this is the mission.
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  Speaker 2: We're going to help kids when they're young with this
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  Speaker 2: so that if they've got the spark, they don't lose it.
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  Speaker 2: And if they're already nervous that they can, you know,
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: be able to be themselves.
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  Speaker 1: I love that because my whole mission is to raise
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  Speaker 1: strong and confident kids today so we don't have to
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  Speaker 1: fix broken adults later. I started as a mindset coach
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  Speaker 1: for adults. I wrote The Six-Step Process of Personal Change,
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  Speaker 1: and I help guide people through big changes in their life,
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  Speaker 1: through finding their next chapter with my six-step process. And
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  Speaker 1: I've discovered that all the habits that we're trying to break,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: whether it's overeating and needing to lose weight, that was
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  Speaker 1: one of mine, and then The overcoming perfectionism, that was
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  Speaker 1: another one of mine. And there's so many more. All
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  Speaker 1: of these habits are a result of something that happened
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  Speaker 1: when we were a child. So if we can help
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  Speaker 1: parents break this cycle now, the self-help industry will be
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  Speaker 1: out of business later on.
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  Speaker 3: Totally. We are on the same mission.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so, so glad that we met, Francine.
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: We're on the same mission. I couldn't agree more.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: I love this. So let's dig into this and unpack it.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Why do some kids get stuck in perfectionism when they
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: appear to be capable?
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: Some kids will shut down when something, before they even
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: try something, even though they actually would be capable to
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  Speaker 2: do it. Because what I found is a lot of
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: kids actually have taken it on themselves as having the
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: identity of being, I'm the smart one, or I'm the
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  Speaker 2: good one, or I'm the great athlete, whatever it is.
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  Speaker 3: And so they don't even do it consciously, but like subconsciously.
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  Speaker 2: They feel that if I'm supposed to be the smart
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  Speaker 2: one and I try this thing that's hard and I
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: don't get it right, then.
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: Who am I anymore?
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  Speaker 2: Or if they get a lot of praise from their
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: parents for getting good marks, for doing so great in school,
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: and then there's something that's challenging for them, they might
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: not try it because, oh, my mom loves me because
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: I'm smart. If I don't get it right, does my
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  Speaker 2: mom love me?
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  Speaker 3: And they don't.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Think this out loud and it's not even conscious, but
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: it's running in the background because they've made that themselves.
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: I am the smart one.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: Same with athletics. I'm the athletic one. So if I
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: try that really hard shot and I don't get it
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: or I lose a game or something like that, then, oh,
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  Speaker 2: who am I?
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Wow. I never thought of it in those terms. In
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: my book, Sarah is the super smart girl, and she
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: uses big words, and then she got real quiet because
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: she was afraid all the kids were going to make
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: fun of her for being, well, and they probably did,
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: which is why she became quiet. For me, the being fat,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: after my aunt told me I was fat, then I
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: that planted that seed of self-doubt, that planted that lie
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: in my head that no one would love me because
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: I'm fat. And then my brain constantly started searching for
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  Speaker 1: validation of that thought. So kids, when they plant that,
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I am, And I have to be and nobody will
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: love me unless their brain starts looking for validation of
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  Speaker 1: that to support what their brain is trying to tell them.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: So let's unpack this a little bit. How do you
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: work with the kids to figure out what that trigger is? Yeah.
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: Well, interestingly enough, I.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: want to unpack it a little more based on what
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: you said about the big events can help them have
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: that identity. I've also found that it could be a
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: big event and it also could just be small little
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: things over time. And even as simple as the language
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: that the adults around them use, the way that the
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: adults give them feedback and give them praise. So actually
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  Speaker 2: I do work with the kids and But primarily, if
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: I work with a child, I also tell the parent,
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: I need to work with you as well. because I
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: need the parents to be on board. And so the,
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  Speaker 2: one of the first things I do with the parents
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  Speaker 2: is we work.
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  Speaker 3: On their languaging.
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  Speaker 2: We work on how they're giving feedback and giving praise
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  Speaker 2: to their child because with the very best intentions as adults,
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: we We tell somebody, you're so smart, or you got 100%,
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  Speaker 2: that's great. Whereas over time, that can actually plant the
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  Speaker 2: seed of, that's me, that's my identity. And funny enough,
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  Speaker 2: the English language is actually one of the only languages
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  Speaker 2: out there that uses the verb to be, like I am.
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  Speaker 2: So in English, let's say, in English we would say,
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  Speaker 2: I am good at math. Whereas in French, in Spanish,
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  Speaker 2: even in Japanese, I looked at a whole bunch of
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  Speaker 2: different languages. They never say I am good at math.
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  Speaker 2: They say math comes easily to me. I excel at math.
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  Speaker 2: They never use the verb to be. So even the
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  Speaker 2: fact of our own language, it makes it so much
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  Speaker 2: more likely that those patterns can be ingrained than people
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  Speaker 2: who were raised with other native languages.
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  Speaker 1: Wow. What a concept. I never even thought about that.
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  Speaker 1: Because when I got that seed planted that I'm fat,
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  Speaker 1: then my mom, with all the best intentions in the world,
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  Speaker 1: put me on Weight Watchers. And that, oh yeah, you're fat.
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  Speaker 1: You're going to a diet meeting every week. And that
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  Speaker 1: planted that seed that if I could just lose 20 pounds,
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  Speaker 1: everything in life will be perfect. Well, guess what? I
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  Speaker 1: lost 100 pounds and life wasn't perfect. And then I
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  Speaker 1: had to rethink what I had been living for 50 years.
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  Speaker 1: Seed that was planted was a lie. And my mom
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  Speaker 1: unintentionally helped me feed that lie. So why is it
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  Speaker 1: important to take this family approach?
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  Speaker 3: Definitely. Well, it's because.
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  Speaker 2: With, I know we're going to get into some specific tips,
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  Speaker 2: so I'll leave those specific tips till later.
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  Speaker 3: But what I.
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  Speaker 2: Found as a teacher, this was the purpose of me
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  Speaker 2: being a teacher, is I help these kids.
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  Speaker 3: This is my whole life's mission.
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  Speaker 2: And I would find that children in my classroom would
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  Speaker 2: make huge growth in their confidence by the end of
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: the year, the way I set up the learning community,
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: the way that I offered feedback. The children would make
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: such huge growth, but over time, because it's been 19 years,
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  Speaker 2: I would reconnect with these families and the families where
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: the parents came to me and said, okay, tell me
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: what you're doing in class. Give me the strategies. And
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: they implemented them at home. These kids are continuing to
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: thrive years later. Whereas when it was only me in
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: the classroom for that one year, working on this with
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  Speaker 2: the child, Often I found kids would regress years later
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  Speaker 2: and they'd be back in their perfectionism because teachers only, it's,
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  Speaker 2: you get a new teacher every single year. So the
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: real people who are going to make a difference in
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  Speaker 2: these kids' lives long-term are the parents because they're day in,
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: day out in all those real moments. So It's so
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: important to me to have a family approach so that
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: I can share with the parents, here is what you
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: can be doing, even like simple shifts, but things you're
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: going to do for the rest of your life with
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: your child, that's going to reinforce their actual confidence. And
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: then I work with the child on, okay, let's learn
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: some things. Let's talk about what's going on. Let's learn
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: about your brain. And then it all comes together. It
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: can't be, it could be just the parent depending on
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: how they relate with their child, but it can't just
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: be the child I've found unless it's going to be
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: a lifelong.
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  Speaker 3: Person that stays with them.
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  Speaker 1: So a caregiver.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah. A caregiver or, you know, have me in your
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: work with your kid till they're 26 or something, which
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: isn't feasible. But yeah, somebody in the kid's, ecosystem that's
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: going to continue to reinforce this forever.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: I love that word ecosystem because let's go back to
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: that old saying, it takes a village. And the point
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  Speaker 1: I want to make now is I talked about breaking
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: the cycle and it is because what my mom did
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: to help me was to done with love and the
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: best information she had because of all the seeds that
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: were planted in her brain when she was a child.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: My aunt unintentionally planted that seed of self-doubt in me
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: because of a seed that was planted in her early
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: in life. And that came from my grandparents and that
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: came from their parents. It's nobody's fault. But now it's
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: time to break the cycle because we know better now.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: And people like Michelle can help. And the Sparkle Feathers
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  Speaker 1: TV is a channel for the kids where they could
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: get positive reinforcement for everything that teachers like Michelle teach.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: And This podcast is a great place to get tips.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: So now let's dig into some of these tips, because
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: I know that's going to open up another whole bag
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: of conversation.
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: Definitely.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: So let's start with the praise and the feedback, because
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: that's what we've kind of already started talking about. It's
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: really important to, instead of praising the outcome, of what
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: the child did. So they get an A and saying, wow,
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: you got an A that's awesome. Like, I'm so proud
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: of you. You're so smart. You got an A. Just
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: tweak it a little bit and talk about what must
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: they have done to get that A. So you could say, wow,
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: you must have really studied hard for this, or you
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: must have really been focusing in class or, um, wow,
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: all of that hard work throughout the year has paid off.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: So you're giving them praise for what actions they took
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: to get it, not the fact that they got it.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: So a really important sign that your child might be
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: leaning towards the I am smart part is if you
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: say to them, oh, you must have really worked hard
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: on that.
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: And they're like, no, I didn't. I just knew it.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: And they act like working hard is maybe not a
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: good thing, right?
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: No, I just knew it. I didn't work hard.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: I didn't have to work hard. And they want you
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: to kind of say, oh, great. You didn't work hard.
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  Speaker 3: That's awesome.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: That could be a little clue that, oh, maybe they
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: are taking a little bit of the identity on themselves.
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: So that's one thing.
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: And when you notice that they're working hard on something, say, wow, oh,
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: my gosh. That math question, I saw that you tried
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: one thing and it wasn't the answer and you didn't
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: give up. I saw that you kept trying different things
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: in order to get to the answer. So you're focusing
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: on what they are doing in the process and the
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: different things they're trying versus on you got it right.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: Another thing, and you can do this with really little kids,
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: is thinking. This happens every single week to parents and
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: to teachers, but they bring you a piece of artwork,
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: a drawing, a picture that they made for you, and
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: they hold it up. And the natural thing that you
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: want to say is, that's a beautiful drawing. I would
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: like to give you another way to potentially look at it.
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: Instead of just saying, that's a beautiful, just automatically, wow,
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: that's beautiful. Start by noticing something you like about it specifically. Say, oh, wow,
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: I like that you used a whole bunch of different colors. Or, wow,
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: you must have really taken your time making that. You
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: must have really worked hard and taken your time. And
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: I noticed that you don't have any white space. You
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: must have really been working hard on that. And then
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: I love to ask them what their favorite part is.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: So say, what's your favorite part of this drawing? And
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: it gets them to honestly reflect on what they like
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: about it. Instead of only caring about what you think
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: of their drawing. Now they're like, what do I like
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: about it? Because that's really what matters is like, this
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: is what I like about it. I don't need other people's,
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: you know, positive praise to feel good about the drawings.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: And another thing too is if they're giving you a drawing,
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: you could just give them a big hug and say like,
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: thank you so much for making this for me that
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: was so thoughtful and give them a hug versus just
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: the typical response of like that's beautiful right and over
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: time if we always say the same thing too like
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: that's beautiful that's great it loses its power You know,
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: if we're always just every time the kid makes something
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: for us, that's beautiful, that's beautiful. It doesn't have quite
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: the same resonance or truth to it as if you
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: stop and notice specific things about it and ask them
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: about it.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: Okay, you've talked a lot about too much positive, but
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: what about the parent is overly critical?
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I prefer... as a teacher, when I
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: work with kids to try to help kids understand, like
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: actually evaluate their own work, right? So being over critical is, yeah,
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: it's even worse than being over positive, but have the
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: child reflect on their own work, right? Like when they
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: do something, say, what part of this was hard for you, right?
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: Where did you get stuck? What are you most proud of?
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: So building that in to working with them on homework
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: is building it in to have them reflect on what
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: they're doing. Because ultimately, we don't want them to place
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: the value of what they do on what they're going
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: to hear back from others. So when we're overly critical
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: of them or when we're overly positive about of them
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: and just telling them everything's great. The theme is the
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: same that they're looking for outside validation or they're looking
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: to like judge themselves based on what you say. So
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: if you say it's not good, then they'll restart everything.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: It's like, no, what do I think of this? Did
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: I put all of my effort into it? Did I,
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: You know, if the teacher gave them a checklist of
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: things to do, did I.
• 22:06
  Speaker 3: Follow the checklist? Right?
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: Not what does somebody think of this? It's did I
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: do the steps I needed to do? Is this my
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: best quality work? Not somebody else's best quality work. And
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: that should be the focus.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: One of the lessons I've learned, and it was very
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: recently in my 50s, I was doing my doctoral studies.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: And I was writing my dissertation. I was supposed to
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: do research. Well, through the program, I was approved to
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: do the research at the facility where I worked. And
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: then when it came time to actually do the research,
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: a new captain moved in, and he wouldn't give me permission. Oh,
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: my God, that was the first academic failure that I
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: can remember. I failed at the doctoral level. And that
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: threw me down this rabbit hole of, you know, oh
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: my God, I'm a terrible person. I failed the biggest,
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: the biggest academic achievement in my life. I'll never reach.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: And then through self-reflection, I realized I still have the education,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: even though I don't have that piece of paper, I
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: still got all that education. that will allow me to
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: do all the same things just without the word doctor
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: in front of my name. So now how would we
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: instill that attitude early on in children and save them
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: from feeling like a failure later in life?
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: Definitely.
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: As you were talking, I just kept thinking to myself,
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: what if she would have learned that as a kid,
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: if it was just normal and even maybe like maybe
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: praised when you did try something hard and failed as
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: a kid. So what I love in my classroom is
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: to just make it like failing is like one of
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: the best things you can do because it showed that
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: you tried something new, right? And I always like the
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: first week of school, right on the board, the word fail.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: And I say, first attempt in learning. So I want
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: you to fail a lot this year, because that means
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: that you tried something so I tell them I say
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: when I see you working on something I'm actually not
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: just watching if you're getting the answer I'm watching what
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: do you do when you get stuck on something right
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: do you keep trying and.
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: You know you're okay you got it wrong and you.
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: Try again or do you just rip it up as
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: soon as it's not right and I say we want
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: to fail. And then even just giving all those examples
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: of all the famous people in the world who have
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: failed so many times in order to get to, to
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: where they are. Michael Jordan, you know, Thomas Edison failed 10,000
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: times trying to invent the light bulb. Even Starbucks is
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: so like such a massive company. company and they were
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: rejected like over and over and over again. The concept
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: was like, that'll never work. That'll never work. But they
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: just tried one more time, one more time. So as parents,
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: if we're going to get back to the tips, it's
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: just setting up that in your household that, Hey, we
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: want you to try and it's okay to get stuff wrong.
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: And it's actually good to get stuff wrong sometimes. And
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: then what do you do when you do get it wrong?
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: And then this can be hard for parents, but how
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: do you model yourself getting things.
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: Wrong and being okay to get things wrong?
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: So parents sometimes want to have their kids just think
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: they've got this, everything's good. But it's actually really powerful
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: when we can show our kids that we make mistakes too.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: And so just being honest honest of like, Hey, I
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: totally made a mistake there, but this is what I'm
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: going to do now. There was, um, one year where
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: I ordered all of the supplies for all of the
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: grade three classes in the school. And I attached the
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: wrong order form to my order. And so when school started,
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: the kids didn't have any books to write in. Like
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: we were missing all of these things. And I, for
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: one second, I thought to myself, oh my gosh, I
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: should just tell them there's a shipping delay and like,
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: you know, just reorder it. Like that crossed my mind
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: for half a second. And then I was like, no,
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to fess up and say, I made
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: a mistake. And it was very interesting. I told the kids, okay,
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: this is what happened. You know, we don't have books
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: and it was because I made this mistake. And I
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: asked the kids, I said, why do you think I
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: told you that? I didn't have to tell you the
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: whole story. Why did I tell you that? And one
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: kid put up their hand and they said, because you
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: want us to know that it's safe for us to
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: make mistakes because you make them too.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: Yay.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: And so I just think that, um, there's so much
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: we can do where we can just, you know, be
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: a little, a little bit vulnerable with, we aren't perfect, right?
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: Be the role model.
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah. You know, we aren't perfect.
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: And oh, look like, and you could even talk through
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: some things, right. That they might be talking through.
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: I forgot to put this in the brownies. They don't
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: taste very good.
• 27:49
  Speaker 3: And you know what? It's coming into my head.
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: Like, I just want to like get super angry and
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: blame myself and say, oh, you're not even a good baker.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: And like, these thoughts are coming into my head, but
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: you know what? I'm not going to do that. I'm
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: going to take a few breaths and I'm going to
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: remember that, hey, everybody makes mistakes. And now I learned
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: something really important. Do you think I'm ever going to
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: forget to put that ingredient in again?
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: No.
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: Well, or I learned something because now I tasted it
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: and I was like, oh, I don't want to eat
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: these brownies. So now next time I'll remember, like next
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: time I'll you know, make sure I check the ingredients before.
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: So just, they don't want, you think they want a
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: perfect parent, but what they really want is to see
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: it reflected in them that it's okay to make mistakes.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: And so it's okay for them to, and it can
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: actually be a good thing and help you grow.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: I've got a question. How many science projects are actually
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: done by the kids?
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: Oh, that's so funny. Well, it's funny.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: I never send home science projects for that reason. We
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: always do them at school. I never send them home
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: for homework. So I don't know. I would suspect that
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: many are not done by the kids when they're sent home.
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: And that's why we always do them at school. So
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: we send home a list, bring in these things, and
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: we do them at school together because Yeah, we want
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: to get messy. We want to like celebrate our failures
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: and then celebrate when we work through them together.
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: So.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I like that because my parents worked. So it was
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: on me. And I think I learned more by doing
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: it myself than if my parent had done it for me.
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: Definitely.
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: Oh, they they totally do. And that's a whole thing
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: that I work with parents on. onto in, in my
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: brave wired program, it's like, what's the point where your
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: child is struggling, you know, so much that they need
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: you to step in a little bit because you want
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: them to work through it on your own, but you
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: also don't want them to feel totally abandoned. Like you're
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: not going to help at all. So what's that point
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: where you step in and what's the point where you
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: just let them work on it. But definitely, definitely, even
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: during homework, I encourage parents to set the child up
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: for success with strategies of what can you do when
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: you're stuck, but let them get stuck and let them
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: work through it.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: I remember I must have been about seven years old
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: learning how to use a dictionary. And I was trying
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: to find a word. And I came out from the
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: bedroom and I asked, go get the dictionary. So I
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: got the dictionary. I brought it back and I said, no,
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: you look it up. But I don't know. How do
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: I look it up if I don't know? Well, what's
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: the first left? So she walked me through how to
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: look it up instead of looking it up for me. Totally.
• 31:16
  Speaker 3: Totally.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: And I thought she was being so mean to me.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: Do you remember when you found it though? Do you
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: remember the feeling when you found it and, and probably
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: how proud you felt that you had found it versus
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: if they just told you.
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: And she taught me a valuable lesson on how to
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: do it for myself in the future.
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: Definitely.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: And there is no better, better feeling as a teacher that,
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: then seeing that moment in a child's eyes where the
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: light bulb goes on for themselves, right?
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: Where you see them working on something and then you
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: see that they get it.
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: And like that look in their eye, there is nothing
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: better as an adult as to see them make the
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: connections themselves and how proud they are of themselves. And
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: also that's real learning. That's learning that sticks. When you
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: learn through doing and you learn through making that connection yourself,
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: that learning will stick. Whereas if somebody tells you how
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: to spell a word, it's in and it's out. You
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: don't now know how to spell that word next time
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: because you weren't engaged in it. So that learning is
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: real learning.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Tell us how parents can get a list of all
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: of these tips you're giving.
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: I would love to share with you my parent guide.
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: It's when your child says, I can't say this instead.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: And so it's a parent guide of exactly what they
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: can say and how they can walk their child through that.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: So I will give that to you to give to
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: the people who are watching so that they can have that.
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: Just look in the chat, look in the comments, wherever
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: this you're viewing this, there will be a link to
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: that guide. print it out, hang it on your refrigerator
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: as a constant reminder because it's tips like this that
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: will help us break the cycle of negative childhood programming
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: so we can raise strong and confident kids tomorrow. Okay,
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: here's your chance. What do you want to leave parents
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: with today?
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: I want to leave parents with the feeling like you
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: have got this. I know when we talk about these things,
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: you can maybe get thoughts in your head like, oh
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: my goodness, I have to be perfect as a parent, right? Like, oh, I'm,
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm messing up my child. And that is
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: absolutely not the case at all. The fact that you
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: are tuned in and watching this already tells me that
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: you are an amazing parent who wants the best for
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: your child. So you have got this. And sometimes it's
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: just those little things bit by bit that compound over
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: time to really help children and help their confidence. So
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: please don't think that it's some big thing that you
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: have to do or that you have to totally overhaul
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: everything you're doing take that this is what I say
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: to kids and this is what I'm saying to you
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: too take that one first small step and then from
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: there what's the next step and the next step and
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: you've got.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: This I love that because a hundred baby steps equal
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: one big huge step and a hundred baby steps over
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: the course of a year will stick with you and
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: your kid way more than if you implement everything all
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: at one time.
• 35:08
  Speaker 3: Totally.
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: And imagine over the course of your child's lifetime, how
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: much is that, right?
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: Right. That's building positive foundation for all future growth. So
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: tell us, how can everybody get in touch with you?
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: You can find me almost everywhere at MissShellMindset. So my
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: website is MissShellMindset.com, Instagram MissShellMindset, Facebook, YouTube, everywhere. So if
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: you search that up, it's not hard to find me.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: Awesome. Thank you so much for coming on this podcast
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: and helping me support my mission of helping parents raise
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: strong and confident kids. Until next time.