Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / The Parenting Moments You Don’t Realise You’ll Miss Most

Transcript

The Parenting Moments You Don’t Realise You’ll Miss Most · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Every Friday on The Happy Family's podcast, It's all Do
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Better Tomorrow. Years and years and years ago, when our
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: children were young, we bought a book called I'll do
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Better Tomorrow, I Promise. It's a story about a mum
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: who is cataloging all of the challenges that her children,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: or a child, her little boy, brought into her life
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: one by one. He shaved the dog, He turned the
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: garden inside out. He overfilled the bath and it flooded
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: the bathroom, and then dripped down through the upstairs, into
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: the downstairs, into the kitchen, cut his sister's hair, and
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: the list goes on and on and on and as
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: this mum is cataloging all the challenges that she faced
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: dealing with her son, that day, she made a commitment
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: and said, I'll do better tomorrow. I promise. I need
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: to be better because even though he's driving me crazy,
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I need to not let him drive me crazy. We
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: fell in love with the book. We used to read
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: it to our kids all the time. It made us
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: cry when we would read it to them, and as
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: a result, Every Friday on The Happy Family's podcast, Kylie
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: and I share what's worked and what hasn't and how
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: We're committing to be better tomorrow so that we can
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: learn from all the parenting experiences that we have and
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: make our family happier. The idea is to give you
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: some inspose so that you can be better tomorrow as well.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: And right after the break, both Kylie and I have
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: had some new practices, some new insights, some new epiphanies
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: about parenting this week. We can't wait to share them
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: with you. That's next. Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Podcast Friday edition. The Happy Families Podcast is Australia's most
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcast, where you get fabulous parenting solutions, real
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: parenting solutions every single day. I'm justin you're Kylie. We've
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: got six kids, I've written eleven books. My boys book
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: comes out in just over two weeks, Oh my goodness.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: And I've also got some other news for you. I
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: don't know if you're aware of this, and I know
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: that you're aware of it, but I'm not sure if
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: you've done the maths on this. Our second daughter gets
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: married in four weeks. Today, we're down to four weeks.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Can you believe it?
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Well, she's been counting down. I just hadn't worked out
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: the weeks, Yes, week, four weeks.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, it's so exciting. She'll be moving out
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: of that bedroom.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: The things I'm looking forward to, having a bit more
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: space in the storage covered that I am doing.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't laugh. We're going to miss us so much.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: She's going to be living like two hours away, and
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: we're probably to see it once a week onto fortnite.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: It's oh, you're hilarious. It won't be once a week.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: I can promise you that.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: You don't think so. No, my heart's breaking even more
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: now that you have said that that four weeks. We
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: need to soak it up. Okay, Kylie, you're up first today.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: Well, I have to stop you before we even go anywhere.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: You missed the whole point of our favorite book.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: What was the whole point of our favorite book?
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: You have a little saying. You talk about the fact
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: that parenting is about us as parents, not our children.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: We call it Childreldren.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: And the thing that I love about this book is
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: she's actually cataloging all of these things that have gone
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: on in her day as she says a prayer at
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: her child's bedside. He's pretending to be asleep because he
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: realizes he's done some really naughty things throughout the day,
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: and he's ready to say sorry to her, and it's
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: in that moment that she recognizes that it's not his problem,
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: it's hers. And that's what I love about the story.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: It's this idea that our kids give us all of
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: the stimulus to make us go crazy, or they helped
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: change us to be better people as we learn more patience.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Regulate, and be forbearing. And yeah, that's what I love
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: about the book. Well, we love that book. Anyway, You're
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: oddly better tomorrow if we may press on.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: Well, it's actually another little epiphany, just like that. It's
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: not necessarily an experience. But during the week our stove died. Yes,
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: we've known that it's been on the brink for a
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: little while. We had breakfast, everything went perfectly, but when
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: I came, I was actually it was meal prepping day
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: and I had cut all of the vegetables to make
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: three different meals, and.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: Thist went from on the brink to on the blink.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: It died, and it.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: Died, and so I was, what are we going to do?
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: So we had takeaway that night and then the next day.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: Sorry, I've got to just jump in here. It's a
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: real pain when this happens because number one, cost of
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: living crisis. Everything's costing more than ever before. But also
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: in the middle of interest rates and rent and whatever
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: else that everyone's struggling with. Then you've got to start
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: buying more food from outside because you don't have anything
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: to cook on at home. It's expensive. And then you've
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: got to wait to find a stove. You got to
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: find the right size. Youve got to get electrician who
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: can come in and short notice and fix it all up.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: Like the unexpected expense and the inconvenience factor is off
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: the charts.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: We have a barbecue, we have a stove, and there
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: are things that I could cook, but I still needed
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: the stove to help me with some of.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: It, yeah, most of it. Yeah.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: And so I ended up at our eldest daughter's house
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: the next day and I was babysitting our grand baby,
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: and I said to our daughter, I'll just come over.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: I'll bring my food and I'll do a couple of
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: meals so that we've got something until the electrician can
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: come and fix our stove. But you know what it's
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: like when you're in somebody else's kitchen, and nothing's where
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: you think it should be because they've got to different system,
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: and no matter how I did things, it just didn't
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: feel right, like it just nothing fell into place the
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: way it would if I was just at home, kind
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: of almost going on autopilot because I know everything is
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: And it just got me thinking about how having the
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: right tools and our toolkit make all the difference. When
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: we're in our own space and we know the parameters
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: that we're working with, or we've got the literally the
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: right instruments in the right place to help us, things
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: go so much more smoothly. It doesn't mean that dinner
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: cooks itself, because it doesn't. I've still got to do
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: the work, but there's so much more ease in that
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: as I do it. And if I can relate that
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: to parenting, sometimes we experience these challenges that we're just
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: in deep water. We have no idea how to get
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: out of them. But if we have done the work
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: and we've prepared ourselves as just being good human beings
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: and being a ten and aware of our children and
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: their needs, we will have the right tools in our
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: toolkit to help us. It doesn't mean those problems disappear,
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: they're always going to be there, but we have a
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: better capacity to navigate those challenging waters because the tools
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: are already there.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, nice insight. Hey, after the break, I've been reflecting.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: We lost a friend some years ago at the age
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: of fifty. He unexpectedly passed away just while he was
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: having a meal with his family. He stood up, family
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: and friends, stood up, went to the bathroom and didn't
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: quite make it and died unexpectedly. I've been reflecting on
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: that this week, and I came across some research about
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: a it's called the Last Time meditation, And as I've
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: reflected on that this week, that informs my old do
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: better tomorrow. I'll tell you more about that right after
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: this we're back. It's Happy for podcast. If you enjoy
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: the pod, please share it with the friend. Hopefully it'll
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: help their family be happier, like it helps your family
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: be happier, Kylie. Some years ago we lost friend Rob.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: He unexpectedly passed away, had a heart attack at the
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: age of fifty, literally still went to the bathroom, didn't
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: quite make it to the bathroom, just fell over and
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: in the hallway he lost his life. His heart gave out,
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: And I was thinking about that. I've thought about it
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: a lot over the years, because it was some years
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: ago now, just he was sitting at that meal, and
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: he never realized that was the last smile that he'd
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: give to his wife, as he said, to be back
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: in a sec or the last time he hugged his wife,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: or the last time he spoke to the kids, those
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: last times. We never quite know when it's going to be.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: I'm getting a bit weepeach thinking about it. There's a
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: philosophy professor by the name of Bill Irvine, William b Irvine,
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: and he said this, and it's a direct quote. He said,
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: when you're doing something, you should reflect on the possibility
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: that this might be the last time you do it.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: And I know that's in some ways it's a really
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: morbid and terrifying thought. Some people might think, I don't
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: want to imagine this is the last time I'm doing it.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Why would I do that? But there's something quite magic
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: that happens when you do, Because when you give your
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: daughter a hug in the kitchen, or when you smile
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: and give one of your other kids a high five
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: as they walk past you, if you pause and think
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: this could be the last time that I ever get
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: to do this, you give it more, you take more
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: from it. It becomes more meaningful, it becomes really special.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: And the last time meditation is what Bill Irvine calls it,
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: just thinking. There is a last time that we've done
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: a whole lot of things with our kids. There is
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: a last time that you take your sleeping child out
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: of the car and carry them to bed. And I
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: know this because a couple of weeks ago, we got
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: home really really late. I can't believe I'm confessing with
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: this on the podcast, but I'm really really late. We
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: were exhausted, and I forgot that Emily of your old
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: had fallen asleep in the back of the car as
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: we drove home. And I got out of the car
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: and went to bed, and you got out of the
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: car and went to bed. And she woke up, apparently
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: at about one o'clock in the morning, cold and uncomfortable
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: in the car, and she just put us off to bed.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: But the front door was locked, so she had to
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: look around. The fight was one of the kids.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Hadn't locked front of the doors. We shouldn't have let
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: her loudly, and she managed to get herself into their house.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. But I was thinking about that and
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: it occurred to me, I'm probably never going to carry
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: one of my children to bed ever again if they
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: fall asleep in the car, including even if I'm aware
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: of it, because they're too big and too heavy. And
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: there's there's I lifted our granddaughter Indy up onto my
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: shoulders the other day so that I could carry her somewhere,
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: and I thought, it's great to do this with my granddaughter.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: This is really special. But I haven't done this with
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: any of our kids for a long time. The last
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: time that I ever carry one of my children on
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: my shoulders or on a piggyback has probably now occurred.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: There's a last time that you have to say, kids,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: stop fighting over who pushes the button across the road.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: I was about to say as you were talking, and
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: you were acknowledging, you know, thinking about this is the
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: last time I might hug my child or give them
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: a high five, or These are all really beautiful things, right,
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: They don't require much from us because they're good moments anyway.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: But there are so many moments in parenting where you're like,
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: I can't wait till this is over. I can't wait
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: till I get through this space or this timeframe like
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: toilet training or teething or whatever it is. But there
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: will come a time where you'll look back and recognize
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: just the immense, profoundness of those moments.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the immensity.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you mentioned at the beginning of the podcast. In
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: four weeks, we'll say goodbye to our second daughter.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: That's where I was about to go.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and they thought that she's not going to wake
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: up in her bed in our house ever again. Yeah.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we do this. It annoys me sometimes I don't
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: have the energy for it at night. But when we're
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: doing all in and we're all in the kitchen cleaning
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: up the dishes, they play this game we've talked about
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: on the podcast before. They've called it word association. Basically,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: you come up with a theme, a word, and everyone
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: takes it in turns going around the group. You've got
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: to start singing a song that uses that word, and
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: then the next person starts singing a different song and
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: that's their turn, and then you keep going until everybody
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: is out, until people can't come up with it anymore.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: And there are some lights where I'm like, I don't
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: have the energy for this. I don't want to do this,
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: but she's not home as often anymore, and we don't
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: play word association that much anymore, and it's not the
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: same when she's not here either. She's the most enthusiastic
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: proponent of it. And I don't know if it's the
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: last time, but we're certainly down to the last handful
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: of times that we're probably going to have word association
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: dishwashing activities in the kitchen. That Last Time meditation, it
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: brings a richness to our experiences, and at the risk
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: of getting weepy, you just don't know what tomorrow brings,
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: and if you want to really flourish have a profound
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: and rich life, I think that that last time meditation
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: that Bill Irvine developed and annunciated is a way to
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: help you to do better tomorrow. So that's it. That's
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: our oddly better tomorrow today. Thanks so much for listening
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast. Have a great weekend, Have
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: a fantastic weekend. I was going to say, because it
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: might be the last one you have, but that's a
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: really more good way to finish the podcast. I say,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, we love that you listen, and we
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: hope you get something out of it. The Happy Family's
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Mim
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Hammonds provides our admin and other support. For more information
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: about making your family happier, visit Happy families dot com
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: dot you Don't Forget. As well, you can get a
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: ten dollar discount at booktopia dot com dot you for
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: the brand new book Boys by Me. If you've got
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: a son and you're looking for some answers, I think
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: you'll get heaps out of it. Comes out in a
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: couple of weeks of pre order now mm hmm.