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60 | We Are Due for a Child King · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Eric, I have a question for both you and America, and probably the world.
• 0:04
  Eric: I'm just honored to be counted among that list.
• 0:07
  Matt: Is there any good parking garage?
• 0:10
  Eric: No, God, fuck no.
• 0:11
  Matt: Have you because how many times I don't know?
• 0:14
  Matt: No.
• 0:14
  Matt: I don't know if you have this experience, but whenever I'm in a parking garage, I almost always end up saying some version of who designed this thing?
• 0:26
  Matt: This is the worst garage I have ever been.
• 0:29
  Matt: I don't think I've ever said the opposite.
• 0:32
  Matt: I don't think I have ever said, now this, this is a parking garage.
• 0:36
  Eric: This is a nice garage.
• 0:38
  Eric: Every parking garage, and they're all different, they all have some aspect of them that is absolutely terrifying.
• 0:44
  Eric: Yes.
• 0:44
  Matt: Like there is one thing maybe it's bad lighting.
• 0:50
  Matt: Maybe it's a ramp that somehow goes to a like a uh 90-degree turn.
• 0:56
  Matt: The stairwell.
• 0:57
  Matt: Yeah, absolutely.
• 0:59
  Matt: The the eerie quiet you get sometimes in them.
• 1:02
  Matt: Which are, you know, they can be acoustically quite pleasing to be in.
• 1:06
  Eric: Like I know we're not exactly breaking new ground here talking shit on parking garages, but it's like I like but that's what I'm honing in on is the fact that you're right.
• 1:15
  Eric: I've never I've never in my life, I have never thought of a time I've complimented a parking garage.
• 1:21
  Matt: Have you uh like I can think of so many bad garages, but I can't think of one that I'm like, you know, they really knocked it out of the park with this one.
• 1:31
  Eric: So easy to get in, so easy to get out.
• 1:34
  Eric: It's so convenient.
• 1:34
  Eric: The lighting's so good, there's hardly any noise.
• 1:36
  Eric: There's always a parking spot.
• 1:38
  Eric: I kind of want to find one.
• 1:40
  Matt: The parking spices are just the right size, they never feel oddly small for no reason whatsoever.
• 1:47
  Eric: The system for remembering where you parked your car is so intuitive.
• 1:52
  Eric: Payment is is flawless and easy.
• 1:55
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:56
  Matt: Where it where might we find this magical great white whale?
• 2:01
  Matt: I do they have parking garages in Iceland.
• 2:04
  Matt: Everything seems nice about Iceland.
• 2:07
  Eric: Either Iceland or Finland.
• 2:08
  Eric: They have to.
• 2:09
  Eric: But why would probably be?
• 2:10
  Matt: There's like 10 people there.
• 2:12
  Eric: And none of them drive cars because they all ride bikes, because they're all fucking ride bikes or bikers, llamas or something, whatever that is.
• 2:21
  Eric: Bernard dogs, a little barrel around their neck in the snow.
• 2:25
  Matt: Where do we find the good garage, Eric?
• 2:29
  Matt: And what would make it what would make it a good garage for you?
• 2:32
  Eric: For me personally, yes.
• 2:34
  Eric: Oh man, an outside display that like in some parking garages already do this, but like just shows me the number of spaces open and on what floor they're on.
• 2:47
  Matt: That is great gaining traction and popularity for sure.
• 2:51
  Matt: Yes.
• 2:51
  Matt: For me, it's always I think my biggest point of contention is we have to figure out something that makes sense with these ramps.
• 3:02
  Matt: We have to figure out a way for there to be a system.
• 3:06
  Matt: The ramp game is it's unhinged.
• 3:08
  Matt: That you know where you're going that you know it wouldn't hurt.
• 3:12
  Eric: It's the wild west.
• 3:13
  Eric: If you get a a a sign pointing to a word that says exit, you are lucky.
• 3:18
  Eric: Yeah.
• 3:19
  Eric: None of it is intuitive.
• 3:20
  Eric: All of the rules on being staying on like the right or following the right, like it all goes out the window.
• 3:26
  Eric: Then there's the fucking garages.
• 3:28
  Eric: You ever been in like the garage, like you get to the top by going up the very tight spiral?
• 3:33
  Eric: Yes.
• 3:33
  Eric: Like it's and it the the one across the street from the fucking uh the uh uh or down the street from Club Chuck in Baltimore immediately comes to mind.
• 3:41
  Matt: There's one in Baltimore by downtown by the aquarium.
• 3:46
  Matt: Well, by yes, but by every man in the Hippodrome Theater that has these ramps that you you drive around the side of it, but then to get out, there's this weird spiral ramp down the middle of the thing that's totally separate from everything else.
• 4:02
  Matt: Yeah.
• 4:02
  Matt: And I've been in garages that I've complained about where they have separate ones, right?
• 4:07
  Matt: You've got like an up ramp and a down ramp, and it's supposed to make things easier, but at the same time, the down ramp is never near the uh the up ramp, so you can't go out the way you came in, and you end up on some other street outside.
• 4:20
  Eric: As as happened in one case, I ended up in a different parking garage.
• 4:24
  Eric: They were connected by a bridge.
• 4:25
  Matt: Yeah, that we've all done that, sure.
• 4:29
  Matt: We've all transferred garages somehow.
• 4:32
  Eric: Uh.
• 4:32
  Matt: In Grand Theft Auto, at the very least.
• 4:36
  Matt: And there's always like a community of birds that live in them.
• 4:40
  Matt: Theware our parking garage here has a thriving bird population.
• 4:45
  Eric: Uh the worst combination I've heard is parking garage and starlings.
• 4:48
  Eric: Yeah.
• 4:49
  Eric: Because the acoustics, the acoustics, Matthew.
• 4:55
  Eric: My little sensitive baby eardrums, I can hear pin drop from a mile away.
• 5:00
  Eric: And then I just hear echoed like dialed up to fucking 10,000 decibels.
• 5:07
  Matt: Yes.
• 5:08
  Matt: Um, I don't know where we've landed with this.
• 5:12
  Eric: Fuck them.
• 5:13
  Eric: There's no good parking garage.
• 5:14
  Eric: I think what I'm realizing, but by like like the more I th the harder I think about it, the more it makes sense.
• 5:20
  Eric: Parking garages are simple, right?
• 5:22
  Eric: They're very simple in terms of their function.
• 5:24
  Eric: You don't have need plumbing or or heating or anything.
• 5:27
  Eric: They're just concrete.
• 5:28
  Eric: I'm pretty sure parking garages are what they give to like the architect interns for city planning.
• 5:34
  Eric: Like, you you like they're like, kid, I'll take city hall.
• 5:38
  Eric: It's the busy work.
• 5:39
  Eric: It's the it's the busy work.
• 5:41
  Matt: We're we're literally get yeah, we're getting someone's like and every every one of these fucking kids are trying to break the mold.
• 5:48
  Matt: Everybody's trying.
• 5:50
  Matt: Yeah, I am going to design the best parking garage.
• 5:53
  Matt: And instead, we get spiral stair case spiral spiral stair ramps in the middle.
• 5:59
  Matt: Yeah, fuck these civil servants.
• 6:01
  Matt: I said it.
• 6:05
  Matt: Sure.
• 6:06
  Matt: Sure.
• 6:09
  Matt: I don't know.
• 6:11
  Matt: We should have a bit to play out on, but I there's no there's no conclusion to be found here, Eric.
• 6:17
  Matt: So how do we get out of this conversation?
• 6:20
  Matt: Oh god, are we in the parking garage of the bit?
• 6:23
  Matt: Oh god, we've turned into Jerry Seinfeld.
• 6:26
  Eric: Oh god, Matt, where did we park?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_04: What we deal with these parking garages?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_04: How do I get out of here?
• 6:58
  Matt: And what a coincidence, my name is Eric Poach.
• 7:01
  Matt: And joining us today, we have it's been a minute, Eric, since we've had a guest on the show.
• 7:07
  Matt: A Mississippi Minute.
• 7:10
  Matt: A Mississippi Minute, but we have once again reached across these borders to bring in Ian, the Holy Mole, writer and collaborator on the Strange Mole Show podcast, and all around, I'd say super fan of you didn't ask for this.
• 7:30
  Matt: Yes.
• 7:31
  Matt: Uh Ian, welcome to the show.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Gentlemen, may the bounties of righteousness rain upon your humble and yet inquisitive souls.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: What a pleasure to be here.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we can end it right there.
• 7:48
  Matt: That's a pleasure to have you.
• 7:50
  Eric: Thank you, Ian.
• 7:52
  Eric: Godspeed.
• 7:54
  Matt: Well, yes, welcome.
• 7:56
  Matt: We and again, we we say we saw you because you you listened on Good Pods, so we saw episode after episode.
• 8:04
  Matt: You progressed.
• 8:05
  Matt: Thank you for all your reviews.
• 8:07
  Matt: You're somehow you found us.
• 8:09
  Matt: I don't I don't even know how we came to you.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um I do know I don't know.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think you were actually a genuine Good Pods recommendation.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck yeah, Good Pods.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Good Pods.
• 8:21
  Matt: Good pods.
• 8:22
  Matt: Bless the algorithm.
• 8:23
  Matt: Shout out to Good Pods.
• 8:25
  Matt: Give us give us some stars.
• 8:27
  Eric: But but yeah, you're you have your own show.
• 8:29
  Eric: So you have the strange mall show.
• 8:30
  Eric: I do uh uh uh anti-Brexit, anti-fascist, anti-Tory, uh sat satire sketch show.
• 8:38
  Eric: Yeah, it's uh it's a strange thing by definition.
• 8:43
  Eric: It's so it's so strange, and I've I've fucking fallen in love with it.
• 8:48
  Matt: It is so fun though, and your production value for we were just talking about this off mic for a second, is so good for what I assume, if you're like us, is a budget of just nothing.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm I'm waiting like obviously doing political stuff um and coming from the left, as it were.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm waiting for all this anti-woke coalition George Soros money that we're all supposed to be living from.
• 9:16
  Eric: We have to convert it in accounts.
• 9:18
  Eric: It's it's it it's gonna take a bit.
• 9:20
  Eric: Your your cloak is in the mail.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, George, where's the check?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, where's the check?
• 9:25
  Eric: It's it's your cloak is in the mail.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Your cloak is in the mail.
• 9:28
  Eric: I just love that cloak.
• 9:30
  Eric: God, I love a good cloak.
• 9:32
  Matt: Now, we uh I I think it's worth noting before we go any further at all.
• 9:37
  Matt: Um we don't have uh video of you.
• 9:40
  Matt: We had a little bit of technical difficulties there, but I understand you're in a top hat.
• 9:44
  Matt: I am, and nothing else.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Fantastic.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Just the top hat.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, you know, this is this is a moment.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: This, you know, being on somebody else's podcast, that's like a bucket list item.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I thought, you know, you gotta do it in your birthday suit.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, formalities formalities put the top hat on.
• 10:01
  Matt: Yeah, I mean, certain uh you gotta keep up appearances.
• 10:05
  Eric: As the Lord made you, but in good taste.
• 10:08
  Matt: Quite, quite, yeah.
• 10:09
  Matt: No, he came out with the top hat.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean it's it's it's before it's just before seven at my end, so obviously I'll have to put on a a a bow tie in about 30 minutes.
• 10:20
  unknown: Yes.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 10:23
  Matt: And your bedtime tea and biscuits.
• 10:25
  Matt: I understand you might have some opinions about our biscuit episode.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um I mean, you know, talking to the colonies about tea, I mean, this is this this is literally what it's like bread and butter for arguments, surely.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um but first of all, uh huh, first of all, I think uh my English cohort uh you discussed they set you up, I think, for a start-off by giving you a choice of tea.
• 10:56
  Eric: Oh, oh, oh, that that we okay.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: What is the the very strict rule it should be uh uh an English breakfast tea like a uh a Tetley or a Yorkshire tea, perhaps.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um and as for the you have to have milk in that.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: One hundred percent.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: And the colour I regret not having milk in mind during the testing.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: And the and the perfect colour for that tea is the same as He-Man's face.
• 11:25
  Matt: That's an amazing reference.
• 11:27
  Eric: I somehow tan, but somehow pale.
• 11:29
  Eric: I love it.
• 11:30
  Matt: I love that you're starting out starting uh starting a I'm I'm thinking a civil war is gonna break out uh once Andy gets uh uh wind of this.
• 11:42
  Matt: In your email to us originally, though, you specifically wanted to, and I hesitate to even bring it up, but you wanted some sort of defense of the Jaffa cake.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Indeed.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um I mean, for start off, it shouldn't have been in the discussion because it's not a biscuit.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's a cake.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: Legally defined, and I know you did cover some of that, but legally a cake.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's legally a piece of shit.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: My second point to retort is perhaps that y you need a higher level of marijuana consumption to fully appreciate Well, good to know.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: We'll Yes, yes.
• 12:23
  Matt: Alright, we'll order some Jaffa cakes in and give it the proper test.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: And and also a stale Jaffa cake is much mismaligned as well because it goes a little firmer.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um like a r- It becomes a biscuit.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: It becomes like a like a rusk.
• 12:38
  unknown: Like a rusk.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: So again, maybe l just leave a packet out for two or three days.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: Give them another go.
• 12:46
  Eric: Much like, well, yeah, it's like making French toast.
• 12:48
  Eric: Gotta let the bread go a little stale before you make it.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: You're on my you're on my wavelength now, Eric.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:54
  Eric: Okay.
• 12:55
  Eric: We we We accept.
• 12:57
  Eric: See, who needs civil war?
• 12:59
  Eric: We accept your terms.
• 13:00
  Eric: Who needs civil war?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: We can we can resolve our differences these days.
• 13:03
  Matt: What we had was a very civil war.
• 13:06
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 13:06
  Matt: I'm at a civil war between the factions of British guests we've had.
• 13:11
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 13:11
  Eric: We're not oh, we're just watching from the sideline, shoveling popcorn into our faces.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: To be honest, at the at the minute, bring it on.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm probably arguing with everybody on and everything anyway.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, what's what's one more?
• 13:24
  Matt: What's one tack them on, why not?
• 13:26
  Matt: Yep.
• 13:26
  Matt: Yeah.
• 13:27
  Matt: Well, so Ian, do you have qu as you know very well, we do answer the live sleeve pressing questions.
• 13:34
  Matt: Do you have some for us?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I do.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I would I if I would start you off with um uh a question from uh probably like uh what I used to do as a a radio show.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: So pre-podcasting, I used to do a local radio show.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um go on.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, our second radio star.
• 13:53
  Eric: He speaks of the deep magic.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: It was called The Old Ways.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: It w it was a rip-off of a a British radio classic, which is Desert Island Discs.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you know that show.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: The basic premise of that show is you're stuck on a desert island and they go, give us you you can have one book, one album, one film.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, yes.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: That sort of right.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I did a version called the Zedlist, which is There's been a zombie apocalypse and various questions around that.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: And the question I would like to pose to you was what I would call the weapon of choice question.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Aha.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: So a zombie apocalypse has kicked off.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: You are in your house.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: What is the weapon of choice for you?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: It has to be within reach in your own home.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: You are allowed to adapt it.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Within reach, meaning like literally this Or it's gotta be something we know is in our house.
• 14:49
  Matt: Something you know is in your house that you could.
• 14:51
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, but you can't like outfit it.
• 14:53
  Matt: Like you can't take a baseball band and throw screws on it.
• 14:57
  Matt: Oh, you can.
• 14:57
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah or you can.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: If you have the screws, it it's just kicked off.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: You you've seen the first report on the news, you're in in the house, but you know, things you can start hearing a few screams in the street.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: So there's no chance to, you know, go down to your local Walmart and tool up.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: You've got to go with what's in your house.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: Now here in the UK, no guns.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: So it's more of a tricky question here.
• 15:22
  Matt: But I was just about to say, I I can't speak for Eric, but this is where being you know bleed and hard liberals uh comes to get us.
• 15:32
  Eric: I I don't have a gun in this.
• 15:34
  Eric: I don't have a gun.
• 15:34
  Eric: I don't have a gun.
• 15:35
  Eric: I've got these guns, and for those of you who audio medium, I know just I'm sorry to put the safety's on.
• 15:42
  Matt: Put them away, Eric.
• 15:44
  Matt: I'm frightened you're gonna frighten our guest.
• 15:47
  Matt: I'm afraid and yet aroused.
• 15:50
  Matt: So letting down a you know, uh well, truly, uh the bottom half of our country is having the last laugh on on the zombie apocalypse front.
• 16:00
  Matt: No guns, so that's off the table.
• 16:02
  Matt: I do have a baseball bat, and I do have screws.
• 16:04
  Matt: I could make that happen.
• 16:05
  Matt: Negan style.
• 16:07
  Eric: I I have a selection of cast iron pans.
• 16:12
  Eric: Like cast iron skillets.
• 16:13
  Eric: Solid choice.
• 16:14
  Eric: Okay.
• 16:15
  Eric: And what I'm thinking, I have chain and rope in my shed.
• 16:20
  Eric: I'm actually thinking I'm I basically build some sort of flail morning star with the with the with the frying pan as a counterweight.
• 16:28
  Eric: Okay.
• 16:28
  Eric: It's optional.
• 16:29
  Eric: I'm probably gonna be bashing with the with the pan, with the cast iron skill.
• 16:32
  Eric: The thing weighs like 15 pounds.
• 16:35
  Eric: Um but then I got the rope so I can start swinging it around.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: What if for the long distance?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Just to maybe give a little advice, like you mentioned multiple pans there.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: Why not a pan on each end?
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: You're then like that that chick from Kill Bill with the chain.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, skillets.
• 16:56
  Eric: 100% yes.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's just which is interesting.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Again, you you are obviously one of my people, Eric, because like as a child growing up playing Dungeons and Dragons, um, my my weapon of choice was an enchanted yo-yo that at full extension would ping out spikes.
• 17:17
  Eric: Love it.
• 17:18
  Eric: Like it's that's that's the shit I live for.
• 17:20
  Eric: That is a weapon of choice for this moment.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, I don't have that now.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: I if only I've I've I've not managed to manifest that dream.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, but but yeah, I think you I think your skillet rope is a wonderful choice.
• 17:32
  Eric: Skillet rope.
• 17:33
  Eric: Keep it simple, easy to repair.
• 17:35
  Matt: Nice.
• 17:36
  Matt: And I do I do really do have that baseball bat.
• 17:40
  Matt: It is a little bit of a like oh like a cliche uh zombie weapon, but I could I could have outfit it with some additional supports.
• 17:51
  Matt: Um it's a bit it is a classic, and it's a bit too big for me in terms of actually its designated usage, but probably just the right size for weaponry and not baseball activities.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean myself, I I I would go for the like at the top half of my microphone stand.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um very nice.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm getting some gaffer tape and I'm adding a blade at the other end.
• 18:17
  Matt: Oh, I do I am staring right now at three mic like mic stand tripods that in their folded position would would do quite well as well.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, your advantage with the with the mic stand, the the the baseball bat is you've got a bit of a prod factor.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like Eric's relying on a Yeah, you're relying on a swing and a clang.
• 18:39
  Matt: Well, I was even thinking of putting like I've got some good kitchen knives I could fashion as like a bayonet on the one end.
• 18:47
  Matt: Nice.
• 18:48
  Matt: That hasn't been done with the baseball bat previously, but it does become harder to, you know, then swing that way.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: Well, blades, you've got the the the risk of getting lodged in something.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: Indeed.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: The rounded clang of a skillet, that's not getting wenched in there.
• 19:05
  Matt: No, the skillet is a good choice, better than Socrates, which is of course the name of the bat.
• 19:10
  Matt: Um should go without saying.
• 19:14
  Matt: What else could you your what would your weapon be there, Ian?
• 19:18
  Matt: Because you don't have your yo-yo of death.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, mic mic stand.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, the mic stand, yes.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's a uh a blade at the other end.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: Also, you know, you never know when you're gonna need to maybe crack out a podcast.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta have a mic handed.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 19:31
  Eric: The apocalypse is gonna need a man on the ground.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the apocalypse can't stop content.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you never know when you're gonna find that sound sample that you go, you know what, that'd be really good bedding for this particular sketch.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: That'll squelch.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's just what I think about.
• 19:50
  Matt: Uh I'd like to start the uh the apocalypse.
• 19:53
  Matt: I want to be the first person to get a good radio station up and then completely waste that bandwidth.
• 20:00
  Matt: No, I'm not providing health updates.
• 20:02
  Matt: I'm not providing where to get shelter.
• 20:05
  Matt: We're it's just me and Poach doing a forcible podcast over the only working AM station.
• 20:13
  Eric: We're just saying we're all speaking uh just a few decibels too loud.
• 20:16
  Eric: We're trying to speak over the apocalypse like it's an inconvenience door show.
• 20:20
  Eric: I can hear it now.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you're listening to Apocalypse FM, and this is Matt Shea.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: And to all you survivors out there, you can go fuck.
• 20:30
  Eric: Like you can hear zombies pounding in the door of the studio, and we're just so anyway, uh we're gonna get this out.
• 20:38
  Eric: Episode 65.
• 20:39
  Eric: Here we are.
• 20:41
  Eric: You know what the disappointing thing is?
• 20:43
  Eric: I'm disappointed in myself about my zombie apocalypse about the zombie apocalypse, my my weapons access.
• 20:48
  Eric: I have an English longbow that I made that I I hand-carved myself.
• 20:54
  Eric: It works, it functions, but I do not have a string for it here, nor do I have any arrows.
• 20:59
  Eric: So it is just effectively a very it is a tall stick.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying, in these times, maybe maybe prep that.
• 21:06
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, I need to get some of those on hand.
• 21:09
  Eric: Yeah.
• 21:10
  Matt: Likely you do.
• 21:12
  Matt: Well, uh, I don't know.
• 21:14
  Matt: Is there anything else you can think of, Eric, in your home?
• 21:17
  Matt: You've got a very solid setup.
• 21:19
  Eric: I've I've I've got a lot of um Yeah, I do have a I do have a baseball bat, but it is it is a sawn off baseball bat.
• 21:27
  Eric: Uh it was left here by the previous owners.
• 21:29
  Eric: It's just a Louisville slugger that they cut off so it's only like a foot long.
• 21:33
  Eric: So like you I guess you could fight in hallways with it.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: We have those here for a game called Rounders.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rounders.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: Rounders.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: Have you never played Rounders?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's like um, I think maybe you call it softball.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: But we do that.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: But it's uh a smaller ball, like smaller than a baseball.
• 21:56
  Eric: Oh, our softball's bigger than a baseball.
• 21:59
  Eric: Oh, yeah, our softball.
• 22:00
  Eric: Like the size of a grape prestige.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's essentially it was a game originally, like in schools, they gave it to girls to play because the boys were playing cricket.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: Ah and then kind of like obviously during the 80s, we kind of started mixing a little bit, and boys got to play round us.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: Girls didn't get to play cricket, but boys got to play rounders.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, no, that was great.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, those those little bats.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: Or like um like an English policeman's truncheon.
• 22:29
  Eric: Yes.
• 22:30
  Eric: Like that's what it's like.
• 22:30
  Eric: That's what I was picturing.
• 22:31
  Eric: Yeah.
• 22:32
  Eric: You're pretty much on the money.
• 22:34
  Eric: I've got that.
• 22:35
  Eric: I have a very small dog.
• 22:36
  Eric: We have a dog here in Azumi.
• 22:38
  Eric: She's a very but she she'll be useless in zombie apocalypse.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 22:43
  Eric: One use.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: Throw and run.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Go fall.
• 22:49
  Eric: You will not be fucked up.
• 22:51
  Matt: Oh man.
• 22:52
  Matt: Fight well.
• 22:53
  Matt: Yes.
• 22:54
  Matt: The uh well uh does that what what so does this fulfill your uh fulfill.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: I am I'm astounded by the innovation uh of Eric's response.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like thank you.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, sir.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: You you I am uh also floored.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: One one innovation and one classic is is as good as I could have hoped for.
• 23:15
  Matt: That's why I keep him around just in case of outbreak.
• 23:18
  Matt: I'll go summon him and his pans.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, maybe that brings me to my next question.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, you which is they say that and we mentioned a dog earlier, that the dog is is man's best friend.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: Is that true?
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, like, is a dog better than Eric?
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: Matt, for example.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, I hate to put your relationship on a, you know, uh balance it.
• 23:44
  Matt: You have put it on the spot.
• 23:47
  Matt: That's okay.
• 23:48
  Matt: I'm willing, Eric, are we willing to trudge into these waters?
• 23:51
  Eric: Yes, yes.
• 23:52
  Eric: I will wade into the swamps of sadness with you.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you should both answer at the same time.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll count out and then I'll go, is a dog better than the other of you?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I will count out, and you both will either go, yes or no.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: Is Matt better than a dog?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: Is Eric better than a dog?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna uh you know, here we go.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: Three, two, one.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: Objectively no fucking way.
• 24:19
  Matt: Now, Eric is uh, and I have said this on the show before, dog like.
• 24:25
  Matt: I have cast you in a role in a play that was described as a golden tree of the human.
• 24:33
  Matt: Yep.
• 24:34
  Matt: Um, so Eric is dog-like, but not a dog.
• 24:39
  Matt: No.
• 24:40
  Matt: No.
• 24:40
  Matt: Sorry, Eric.
• 24:41
  Matt: It's gonna be a dog for me, don't you?
• 24:42
  Eric: Yeah, objectively, a dog is better than you, Matthew.
• 24:45
  Eric: Like absolutely it is.
• 24:47
  Eric: God.
• 24:48
  Eric: It doesn't require me to do things like respond to texts, yeah, or look at my email or remember conversations we've had a week ago.
• 24:58
  Eric: No, yeah, so little of me.
• 25:01
  Matt: Yeah, but and what what's funny is the dog is always like there for me.
• 25:06
  Matt: Like it's like it actively wants to participate in the relationship.
• 25:10
  Matt: Yeah, you know?
• 25:11
  Matt: Dog's really encouraging.
• 25:13
  Eric: Passive aggression, which I really like.
• 25:15
  Eric: Like they're very upfront about their aggression if they are aggressive.
• 25:18
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 25:20
  Eric: Dog never broke my heart.
• 25:22
  Matt: Dog's always fine with me touching him when I want to.
• 25:26
  Matt: Yep.
• 25:27
  Matt: Yep.
• 25:27
  Matt: Never says no.
• 25:29
  Matt: Never say that's not the kind of relationship we have.
• 25:33
  Eric: So in short, Ian.
• 25:35
  Eric: Yeah, dog's a pretty baller.
• 25:37
  Eric: Um, because you were you you were mentioning your your your own pooch.
• 25:40
  Eric: Uh yeah.
• 25:41
  Eric: Daphne.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: Daphne, the the poodle, yeah.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: She I mean the store I got her when she was nine.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was uh I was working in a shop one day, and this little old lady came in to buy a washing machine, and I said, Oh, I love your dog.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: And she burst into tears in the middle of the store and said, I am moving into a care home today, and I have to find a pound that I can put this dog in.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, No, this this dog will die in a pot and this old lady's like, I know this dog will die.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I, you know, took a photo and sent it to my wife and said, Shall we have a dog?
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, uh, okay.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: And uh the old lady was like, Here's my address, come round when you finish work, pick up the dog.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm we were like, Okay, well, let's see what it's like in its own home and maybe it's the right thing.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: And we get there, and the old lady is like in her coat with suitcases, the dog's toys are in her bag ready.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's like she's going to the home tonight.
• 26:46
  Eric: The dog has a little bindle stick with the little pack at the end full of new toys.
• 26:51
  Eric: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm amazed it didn't have like a best friend donkey that was coming with it or something, you know, some maybe a budgie.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, we had no choice and we took her.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um and the first night we had her, she caught a mouse.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't even know we had.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, hell yeah.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: Get it, Daphne.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: God, it's it well, it really wanted to earn its keep.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and but that also meant that she insisted on sleeping with us on the bed.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh you know, I've contributed to society, therefore I get uh a duvet.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: And uh so uh yeah, I lost a bit of space, but you know, no mice.
• 27:33
  Eric: So Hell yeah.
• 27:35
  Eric: Oh, I'm so happy that happened.
• 27:36
  Eric: I'm so happy you ran to this old lady in the shop.
• 27:39
  Matt: Yeah, you're honestly a hero, I'd say.
• 27:43
  Matt: Thank you.
• 27:43
  Matt: I you saved this dog's life.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and she you know, she she has more than paid her her fair share in love.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: She is an adorable creature and she's got so much personality.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_01: But the only thing is as she's got older, she started swearing at us.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: So she does this like aggressive sneezing, uh, which is you can tell there's sea bombs dropping left, right, and centre all around if you are like a minute off time with her food.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: Her timekeeping is impeccable.
• 28:15
  Matt: Wow, that is a personality for sure.
• 28:18
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 28:19
  Matt: Yeah, so I think that's a definitive answer right there.
• 28:22
  Eric: Dogs, dogs.
• 28:23
  Eric: The answer will always be dogs.
• 28:24
  Eric: Answer always dogs.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so in that case, then maybe I've been maybe I've been too easy on you, and maybe it's time to hit you with something with a bit more meat and gravy as a question for yours.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: This this one I'm fairly sure I I have an unbeatable answer for.
• 28:43
  Matt: However, I am willing to tell your souls.
• 28:47
  Matt: I think we have that we had this teed up for you, if you weren't gonna bring it up, so I think we know what you're gonna ask.
• 28:54
  Matt: Go ahead.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so they say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_01: Indeed, they do.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: And if this is the case, what's the largest slab in the pathway of your life?
• 29:10
  unknown: Wow.
• 29:10
  Matt: And yes, you gave us a little bit of a tease in your in your e initial email to us, but the uh you you said you were holding out on the um on the full answer.
• 29:24
  Matt: So I'm very intrigued.
• 29:26
  Matt: I'm giving it a think right now.
• 29:28
  Matt: Eric, do you have an answer ready to go?
• 29:31
  Eric: And this is for in our lives.
• 29:34
  Eric: What is our what is our Yeah, you're asking us a personal question.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_01: I I am.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_01: However, if you think there is a a more global scale or, you know, big scene thing that's I mean, you know, I think from my point of view, there's a lot of people I would say would be going, well, I did vote for Brexit.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know, yeah.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_01: Thought I was getting sovereignty, ended up with a you know, loss of rights and a lot more Nazis.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, if if you want to if you if you have something of a grander scale, then you know by all means I would love to hear them.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_01: But uh yeah, a personal thing would be great.
• 30:13
  Matt: I love that I don't the this won't get picked up, and I'll probably even cut this a little bit here, but uh there's like a crow in the background era.
• 30:22
  Eric: Oh uh oh, sorry.
• 30:23
  Eric: Yeah, you are not familiar with the harried crow of Dundalk?
• 30:27
  unknown: No.
• 30:28
  Eric: No.
• 30:29
  Eric: Uh yeah, he he sits.
• 30:30
  Eric: Oh, that no, this bodes well, Matthew.
• 30:33
  Eric: It's a sunny day.
• 30:34
  Eric: Nice.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_01: You should definitely add the crow back in if uh if you couldn't see the case.
• 30:41
  Matt: We should just have like after you ask the question, just silence and then a crowd if the crow cannot be picked up, I will add what crow in right here.
• 30:51
  Matt: Oh, yeah, we need crow and post.
• 30:56
  Matt: Um let's see.
• 30:58
  Matt: What's the best worst thing I've ever done?
• 31:02
  Eric: Okay, this is this is just this one just keeps coming to mind.
• 31:06
  Eric: And in the grand scheme of things, nothing too horrific, uh, but it it's it's stayed with me my whole life.
• 31:17
  Eric: Two of them, actually.
• 31:19
  Eric: One one I was just I was just a little asshole.
• 31:22
  Eric: The other I just felt really bad.
• 31:24
  Eric: Um the first one, I was in kindergarten.
• 31:27
  Eric: In kindergarten, we had a bathroom, and it was one single bathroom, and there was a little sign hanging from the doorknob.
• 31:34
  Eric: One side said one side of the sign said go, the other side said stop.
• 31:38
  Eric: So when you're in the bathroom, because there was no uh there's no locks on the door because we're we're we're basically toddlers.
• 31:44
  Eric: Uh so if you're in the bathroom, you put it on stop.
• 31:47
  Eric: That means someone's in here, don't come in.
• 31:48
  Eric: And if you if you're if it's open, you put go.
• 31:53
  Eric: As a and I would say a budding social scientist in kindergarten, one day I I left the bathroom and I and I go to flip the sign back over to go, and I just had that moment of but what if I keep it?
• 32:09
  Eric: I had that that that Bilbo Baggins in the in the room with Gandalf moment.
• 32:14
  Eric: I have it.
• 32:14
  Eric: Why shouldn't I?
• 32:16
  Eric: Uh so I kept the sign on stop, and then I just went and sat back.
• 32:20
  Eric: This was during playtime, and I just watched the door.
• 32:23
  Eric: I just wanted to see what would happen.
• 32:25
  Eric: Would someone chance three or four kids ended up shitting themselves because they were so like dead set on respecting the sign that they never spoke up.
• 32:39
  Eric: And like, once like the fourth kid had an accident, like one of the teachers started banging on the door, and that's when like they opened it up and realized the ruse.
• 32:47
  Eric: I was never caught.
• 32:50
  Eric: Eric, that's an important life lesson.
• 32:52
  Eric: It is an important life lesson.
• 32:53
  Eric: I learned so much about what is not okay to do to other human beings that but Eric, that's not a good intention.
• 32:59
  Matt: You uh you set out that was an intrusive thought.
• 33:02
  Eric: You went out to cause pain.
• 33:04
  Eric: My my intention, Matthew, I am a social scientist.
• 33:07
  Eric: I want and and that's just you know, if you ever want to just be a dick and and and and not feel the consequences of your own actions, just call it a social experiment.
• 33:17
  Eric: Yeah, I I my intention was to learn about the human condition that day.
• 33:22
  Eric: I wanted to see how far how far it could go before someone would say, Hey, this is silly, maybe we should knock on the door.
• 33:28
  Eric: And I learned that that, you know, my fellow children will will it just speaks to like the goodness inherent in all of us when we were born that that we would rather shit ourselves than inconvenience another person when we're that age.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_01: I once on a um on a on a school trip, uh again which kind of ties into to your story of we went to um Kirby Muxloe Castle.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um not one of the more famous ones, but we have so many castles here that it's you know it's a long yarn.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're a you know, you're a class of ten-year-olds, it's a castle.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_01: Great, let's go.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh but this castle literally was just the ruins on a hill.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_01: So there was no facilities, no gift shop, no nothing there.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um and you know, little what, I think probably I think I was about eight year old me decided, you know, I needed to pee.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_01: What could I do?
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we just had the tour of the castle with the lecture about how they had a privy system in these castles.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I like I'm like, okay, that's an option.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_01: Uh ran to the top of the tower, used the quietest privy I could, not understanding really the dynamics and the plumbing system was actually just a hole from the roof down through all of the floors of privies.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: Used the top privy.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody actually noticed until when we got back and then had to write a little 100-word essay of my day at Kirby Muxloe Castle.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_01: I confessed to it in the essay, thinking I was sharing my day, uh got given lines as a punishment.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: Of a hundred times had to write out I will not urinate in the previews of Kirby Muxloe Castle.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um and because this had because this had been um like a featured trip for my my my school, um, they put this big display of everybody's essay on the wall.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: And on mine, it was in two parts because the teacher took scissors to it and cut out the section where I could first be using the program.
• 35:36
  Eric: She censored you.
• 35:38
  Eric: I can see the budding of so much political, like of the political satirist in in action, because like you've you were censored, you were doing a public service, there were there's mention of trickle down in there.
• 35:51
  Eric: You great you went to the quietest, most discreet part of the castle.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's not my fault at eight years old I couldn't grasp the concept of plumbing.
• 36:01
  Eric: Yeah.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:03
  Matt: The uh so wait, so is that your your hidden gem?
• 36:08
  Matt: Oh no.
• 36:08
  Matt: Oh I was going to say that I hit me with it.
• 36:12
  Matt: Well, hold on.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: Well, uh I was waiting for Matt to have a crazy.
• 36:16
  Eric: Sorry, Matt, it's because you're like a beacon of of just goodness and light in my life that you would never do anything wrong.
• 36:25
  Eric: So go on.
• 36:27
  Eric: Yes.
• 36:27
  Matt: And that's why I can't think of anything.
• 36:30
  Matt: Uh so no.
• 36:31
  Matt: So I I I I hesitate to tell the story, but I'll tell it anyway.
• 36:37
  Matt: So it's it's very high school, it's very dumb.
• 36:40
  Matt: So I uh the girl I was dating at the time was on this big trip across the pond, and that gave me some time to reflect on the relationship.
• 36:56
  Matt: And when she said, Stop it.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't even fucking say it again.
• 37:01
  Matt: So before she left, I was already starting to feel like something's not quite right, the spark's kind of gone.
• 37:10
  Matt: You know, I I feel a little guilty about some of the stuff we're doing now because I'm like, I don't think I feel the way I felt before.
• 37:17
  Matt: High school, you know.
• 37:19
  Matt: And so I made the decision to uh break things off, and I thought, I thought the the the stand-up thing to do.
• 37:29
  Matt: Oh, you had a thought, was to, you know, not continue a facade and be uh a dick of like taking advantage of somebody's feelings when I don't feel that way.
• 37:43
  Matt: So she came home and I broke up with her, you know, right away there.
• 37:48
  Matt: And then it it turns out when I've told this in the past, er, or you know, since maybe I could have stuck it out a day or two.
• 37:58
  Matt: Uh quick bummer.
• 38:00
  Matt: I didn't need to like welcome her home with heartbreak.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_03: Uh and that apparently the narrative she was spreading was that I did this dickish thing.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm not an asshole.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_03: I this is a crime?
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_03: How is this a crime?
• 38:18
  Matt: Uh so I thought I was being a gentleman.
• 38:21
  Matt: I thought I was being chivalrous, and it turns out This is how you get the nickname The Band-Aid.
• 38:29
  Matt: You just pull it off right, you just rip it off.
• 38:32
  Matt: I just I ripped it off there, and then, you know, after seeing the red spot on the skin, said, Ooh, perhaps I could have eased into it.
• 38:43
  Eric: Like, I'm imagining she's showing you her souvenirs, like, yeah, the little model of big didn't even let it get that.
• 38:49
  Eric: She's got a t-shirt that says keep calm and carry on, and that's when you go, Oh, while we're on that subject.
• 38:56
  Eric: I'm glad you feel that way.
• 38:58
  Eric: How stiff would you say your upper lip is at present?
• 39:02
  Eric: She hands him a little model of a red double deck of bus.
• 39:05
  Matt: I don't know.
• 39:06
  Matt: I don't know what souvenirs she got for me because I never let it get that far.
• 39:10
  Matt: It was like, hey, nice to see you.
• 39:13
  Matt: We need to talk.
• 39:14
  Eric: I'm imagining you you were at the airport.
• 39:17
  Eric: No, I was at her house.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh, that was holding up the sign saying you're dumped at the airport.
• 39:24
  Eric: That does really that does remind me of of my my friend Tim, one of my best friends from high school.
• 39:31
  Eric: And again, dumb high school kids.
• 39:34
  Eric: He once broke up with a girl.
• 39:35
  Eric: He was he was so nervous about doing it that they were walking along the road.
• 39:40
  Eric: I'm not I'm not making this up.
• 39:41
  Eric: They were walking along the road and they're talking, and he goes, Hey, I got a joke for you.
• 39:46
  Eric: Why did the chicken cross the road?
• 39:48
  Eric: And she says, Why?
• 39:49
  Eric: He runs across the street and says, I think we should break up and then runs home.
• 39:54
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 39:55
  Eric: And then just runs home.
• 39:59
  Matt: Genius, but that is the dickest move I have ever heard.
• 40:04
  Eric: Oh, that's next level dick.
• 40:05
  Eric: Luckily, they were both already like it was the their relationship, their high school romance was already on the rocks.
• 40:12
  Eric: Like it it was it was it was at that moment where like one of them was gonna break it off.
• 40:18
  Eric: Like they were both like, we're we're we're we we don't like this anymore.
• 40:21
  Eric: So she was just more relieved and found it funny, but god damn.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_01: That story would definitely earn Tim a pint in a UK poll.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's like legendary stage.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_01: You'd have like your photo put above the bar.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely guaranteed lad the it's a great bit.
• 40:43
  Matt: It is a good bit.
• 40:44
  Matt: Undeniably a great bit.
• 40:46
  Matt: I have I have immense respect for the bit, but uh still an asshole for doing it.
• 40:53
  Matt: And I suppose I was as well.
• 40:57
  Matt: And uh yeah, if hey, listen.
• 41:00
  Matt: If you're listening, sorry about that.
• 41:04
  Eric: Tim, hey Tim, if you're listening, man, you're a fucking legend.
• 41:08
  Eric: You know that?
• 41:09
  Eric: Like absolute.
• 41:11
  Eric: Do you need me to bleep the name, Tim?
• 41:13
  Eric: I might bleep.
• 41:14
  Eric: Oh, you don't need to bleep Tim.
• 41:16
  Eric: She knows who she is.
• 41:18
  Eric: Yeah.
• 41:19
  Eric: Um, but all that to say, so we hear that's our answers, which apparently, as from what I'm hearing, pale in comparison, wither before what you've gotten.
• 41:34
  Matt: And now our feature presentation.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this story I've kind of I I always thought I would I would save it in case if I ever achieved fame, this would be like the one of the key chapters in the autobiography.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_01: The title of which would be Brit Ian's Got Talent.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_01: Very good.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe a subheading of a caution retail of a pop star wannabe.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, alright.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so yeah, I'd um I'd I'd been working as a bank manager for many, many years and decided that uh rather than advise people on how to run businesses, I would start my own.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I I started a karaoke hosting business.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_01: And uh so big big move.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 42:25
  Eric: Big move.
• 42:25
  Eric: Huge.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought I you know, I I kind of had some i it was paying the bills and everything was going well, but I thought, you know, you always want to build up a business and so forth.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_01: What could I do?
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I thought, I I know what I'll do.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'll I'll break the world record for karaoke.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that'll get that'll get me noticed, right?
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_01: Well uh just to pause real quick, what does that uh entail?
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_01: So that entails it's it's a solo uh record that I was going for, and that essentially is singing karaoke for as long as you can.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, okay.
• 42:59
  Eric: In one in one sitting?
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, you are allowed to take a break.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_01: So you're allowed to take uh under Guinness rules, just so that people don't pass out and and hurt themselves.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're allowed to take like a five-minute break for every hour that you recruit.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_01: Which is actually quite a lot.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_01: And you you can you so you can do three hours and go, right, I want 15 minutes, sit down, have some food, or you know, that sort of thing.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_01: And get right back to it, yeah.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then get back to it.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um pretty liberal rules, if you ask me, Guinness.
• 43:28
  Eric: It does become a contest of will, not so much of physical, like Yeah.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_01: I decided to make it a bit more challenging in that I'm the only person to set a time without repeating a song.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm an entertainer, right?
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was doing it for the entertainment business thing.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I uh thought, okay, well, no point just doing this for me.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_01: My wife at the time uh my wife at the time, my my current wife still And at this time.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_01: My wife still do, but I I used to as well.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I used to.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe not now, yeah.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my wife was.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: at the time working for uh the charity Childline uh which is you know you it's a it's a phone service children can phone up and report abuse or you know they need some help on on whatever it's a it's a wonderful service yeah that sounds amazing like the the service yeah yeah so I thought I will let's be I will raise money for this issue um and you know we kind of got uh some money together you know through sponsorship and so forth and when you're doing something like that if you can have a celebrity front it's great yeah and one of my old banking customers was a very famous uh British celebrity so I was like okay let's get him involved um so we had all the photos done sort of went round to this this celebs house and and posed for photos and stuff did the event set the time which yeah kind of got me a certificate on the wall unfortunately somebody in America tripled my time before the next book came out and so I didn't get it in a book but I was like you know what if you want it that bad you can have it to be honest I had it for about four months before somebody beat it but again I'm still the only person to not repeat a song so I kind of like to think no one's taken my version of it yet.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_01: Wow I digress I digress so everything was successful and it was you know a great achievement and I thought that was the end of it.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_01: And then about six seven years later you may have noticed that my celebrity of choice uh died a gentleman by the name of Jimmy Savile who turned out to be the United Kingdom's greatest ever paedophile so all of my promotion photos everything associated to it is me with my arm around Jimmy's oh no oh God you couldn't have known you couldn't have known no one knew except for all those children but this was the thing at the time it was because it was such a shock for the nation everyone assumed anybody that had ever met him must have known they were like wait you were his bank manager how did you not know I'm like yeah I didn't see like child trafficking on the remote statement like he paid cash.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah it kind of took the shine off the achievement oh my god and you can never break like you can you can't you oh you can't show those photos now with any story you can't even oh yeah welcome to the crumbling ash of my soul Eric yeah this is the long dark tea time of the soul this is what Douglas Adams was talking about yeah holy shit that's that was and and like I say this was on the back of the story I told you in the email which was uh at university I'd uh I was a social secretary for the Stage Musical Society at at the time and uh I'd heard a a celebrity was visiting the university grounds and managed to through a few connections get that celeb to come in and wish my cast at the time I was directing uh like a review show thing and so I got them to him to come in and meet the cast and shake hands come backstage you know come to the dressing rooms and walking around the dressing rooms and it it was Rolf Harris Australia's most notorious there is you know how they have like they're saying like oh you know certain breeds of dogs can sniff out cancer?
• 47:57
  Matt: Ian I think you can be like Epstein Alsatian I was just gonna say do you happen to know Jeffrey by any chance yeah I I funnily enough they've never let me meet Prince Andrew.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_01: I've met a lot of I've I've met two royals but neither of them is Prince Andrew.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think they're keeping me awake which which royals have you met?
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_01: I must know uh Anne and Margaret.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh wow two of my faves Yeah they are both wonderful actually although I was a I was a very young child when I met Anne it was a you know school thing.
• 48:33
  SPEAKER_01: Sure and uh Margaret yeah was a kind of I can't even remember I think it was one of the Queen's one of the Queen's anniversaries for hanging on yeah we've had quite a few of them you know like we used to get those every five years.
• 48:48
  Matt: And Eric to to answer your question um well Margaret is is dead so you know not doing great.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_01: Well I think um interestingly like just to get political a little bit but I think kind of we're we're in a really interesting time here for for that because obviously with the Queen dying and and Charles stepping up to the throne it's like a jumping off point for people.
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like we were obliged to love the queen because she'd been there forever you know sure whereas Charles is kind of you know he's had his scandals in the past not yes not Andrew level but you know he's had a few.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_01: No he's and he's just been how can we put this an asshole?
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah that's fair I would say um and so there isn't the same love for him and so I think kind of this m the monarchy m is potentially in a lot of trouble.
• 49:42
  Eric: Yeah yeah that's like the vibe I get is is is just like you said she was she was she was an institution she was a cornerstone of of the culture lover hater whatever she was there she was a fixture of of of generations of of people truly and now it's just like yeah this is this like all right once that's done I I think from the American point of view we were we were all kind of hoping uh she'd hang on long enough and Charles wouldn't and we can skip right to right to Will.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well I think kind of a lot of people here were kind of thinking m he might actually do the I'm too old for it the rule everything needs refreshing I'll just won't bother.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_01: But if you have watched Charles over the last sort of 30 40 years like I have growing up it was like oh no he's he's wanted that throne for a long time.
• 50:38
  Matt: No I d I never saw that being a thing he would do.
• 50:41
  Matt: And then of course now we got some issues with William as well.
• 50:45
  Matt: So why don't we skip to George and be done with it?
• 50:47
  Matt: That's what I say.
• 50:48
  Eric: Yeah give the kid a chance child king child king king oh we we are due for a child king we are due for a child king a mad child king.
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I could rule that out as just a ridiculous idea for the UK but at the minute it's all on the table anything and anything is on the table.
• 51:07
  Matt: It's gotta be a better idea than Brexit.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah yeah I mean we we uh we we're having a lot of trouble with that I mean it's kind of yeah this is this this a coup really isn't uh isn't good for your country the proverbial check has come due.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah we we we we let we let the Russians take over our government and it's not worked out very well.
• 51:29
  Matt: No no it it didn't um and you of course address a lot of this on the Strange Mole Show.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes and our weird little sketch show that it it's I it's kind of designed for at the time we were getting a lot of the kind of culture war stuff um that I'm sure you are enjoying as well.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_01: And a phrase that kept coming up here was with old old offensive sitcoms and things like that and people saying oh you couldn't make things like that in this day and age and so I thought okay well I'm gonna take the style and format of those shows and just get our message out with that.
• 52:10
  SPEAKER_01: So like the the kind of radio comedy old school sketch format you really you know you you it's not TikTok where everything's got to happen in 20 seconds it's like no that door that creaky door is going to take 10 seconds to open.
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_01: Right you know like yes it's it's I'm not rushing anything.
• 52:29
  Matt: It shows I mean it is to the benefit of the show.
• 52:31
  Matt: I mean like I was saying I really think the production like your production value is really good you when whatever location you're in it does feel like like on your latest episode when you're walking into the tavern it really really feels like from the door creak to the ambient noise of the cr the crowd it really is is very well done I'm I'm there.
• 52:54
  Eric: The music production is phenomenal it yeah it it kicks so much ass and yeah the style you adapt is so fascinating because it is it evokes like that old it evokes a certain level of nostalgia for like those old like variety shows.
• 53:10
  Eric: Yeah but but you're using it to say the quiet part out loud and like that's that's kind of like the beauty of parody and satire is like you're you're it it it's this absurdist setting these absurd situations but you're you're using it as a vehicle to just like lay out all the raw ugly the terrifying thing is the amount of jokes we've made that have become conservative party policy like we've we've predicted stuff that we were going well surely they couldn't be as ridiculous as this and then they've literally done it the next week.
• 53:49
  Eric: Yes.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah the onion and the Simpsons yes it's like yeah I I mean well yeah I mean The Simpsons has already done everything every about three times anyway but yeah but because it's been around so long.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_01: But but yeah it's like I mean like this week for example the thing that really freaked me out I just we just put out the new episode and at the uh after the credits I'd put a song in that was a a a parody of Brave New World from War of the Worlds uh with Boris Johnson singing it as a Brexit world instead of Brave New World right three days later a meteorite lands in a lake in England and I'm like well I I would ask but I've I've already known that the chances of anything coming from Raz are a million to one so they say um but I was like really like I I meteors now that's what I'm predicting Wow yeah I mean you have some sort of power over both the political landscape it seems of your country and pedophiles.
• 54:52
  Eric: So I yeah I well I claim to be Nostradamus uh to a friend of mine who just said I I I would always think of you as a Nosferati really because of how old you are nice fair questions well that does kind of transfer to a couple of questions we had for you and speaking of this sort of uh cultural uh and political landscape Eric I I think you had a question you wanted to ask you yes uh a little cultural exchange if we will because Ian absolute sweetheart that he is is because when he when he emailed us and and when we were talking just before we we we recorded this episode he was like hey and and he said this in the kindest way possible he's like hey you know like give give the show a listen you know check it out but he's like I also understand if you know nothing about Tory politics or nothing about Brexit or is that like he's like if you need me to explain anything or you have any questions I'm happy to take them so this is this is kind of uh is funny because one of the questions we wanted to ask you is there anything because mind you you are now reaching you know an American audience is there anything of British politics of of of the things you're dealing with the trenches you are in so to speak that you wish that you've ever wanted like a chance to explain like you're explaining to a classroom of five year olds like if you like this is your opportunity like if I needed Americans to understand anything about our politics or about where we're at right now what what would it be?
• 56:24
  Eric: What what would you want to explain to the children?
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_01: That okay yeah so obviously you know we we we talk about Brexit as this this this entity yeah um but it's it's about you know uh how it came about and some of the effects on our democracy that people don't seem to realise.
• 56:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very much of the opinion that uh Russia paid for Brexit for its campaigning.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um we're seeing that we have the same influence from Cambridge Analytica that you had on your elections.
• 56:57
  SPEAKER_01: In fact we were the dry run for what happened to you.
• 57:02
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks.
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah and you're welcome uh what can I say you throw our tea in the water we're gonna come for you eventually it's all about the tea um but but but a key part of Brexit here was we had an advisory referendum to decide that right because we have a sovereign parliament so parliament has the ultimate power to make decisions for this country and we elect MPs to the same as you would with Congress or but Parliament is sovereign it has the ultimate power.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_01: And uh because the decision was advisory but not compulsory as a referendum we didn't have the same democratic protections on the decision.
• 57:49
  SPEAKER_01: So our electoral commission ruled that the referendum was unsafe that there was too there was obvious influence in it and we couldn't rely upon it.
• 57:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 58:00
  SPEAKER_01: It went to court and uh the judge said yeah but it's advisory so it's up to the Prime Minister to decide whether or not to follow that advice and so Theresa May made the decision for the UK to leave the EU.
• 58:19
  SPEAKER_01: It should have gone to like and we had a huge court case and eventually they they retroactively voted for the activation of Article 16 which was the thing the mechanism to make us leave the EU which astounded as everybody else anyway because it was like oh well this is your chance then to say this was shouldn't have happened.
• 58:41
  SPEAKER_01: No, they just went oh no we should have we should have rubber stamped that and they then then did um but we are now at potentially another legal turning point because uh but we have until the end of April to present to the EU uh an explanation as to why we didn't follow up the uh what we called the Russia report which was supposed to look into that interference and that report concluded well we haven't exposed Russian interference in UK politics because we haven't looked for it.
• 59:13
  Eric: Nice we have conducted no investigation and found no problems.
• 59:18
  Eric: And found no wrongdoing Indeed.
• 59:21
  Matt: Any time I think you find yourself in a situation where you have to present something called the Russian report, you're in you're in trouble.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_01: And what happened is Boris Johnson delayed the re the the the report that came out um until after the general election that he got elected in and then it came out that well what we can tell you is the Conservative Party take a lot of money in donations from Russia but actually we were you know our authorities were not told to look at the reports from the Electoral Commission into Russian interference or anything like that.
• 1:00:01
  SPEAKER_01: So we are now like I say the EU are now kind of saying well you you you have to.
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_01: You've you've got till the end of April to to tell us why you haven't done it and so forth.
• 1:00:11
  SPEAKER_01: There is a very thin very very thin chance that it could end up being a reason for the uh a get out of jail free card that the EU might go, you know what, that decision was unsound you've denied UK EU citizens the right of to determine their future let's cancel it all.
• 1:00:34
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't think that's going to happen because we've caused such a mess for the EU too it's gonna take a long time for us to rebuild those bridges all the damage that's occurred.
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah it's yeah I mean we should be we we should essentially I I said I wouldn't drag your pot your your wonderful comedy show down with politics we'll throw a slide whistle in there we'll be fine you've you've you've elevated yeah what we what we should do is rejoin the single market um because it would solve all of the problems with Northern Ireland uh uh so we don't mess up the Good Friday agreement which was is a very important thing for UK peace and it also means we can get you know food in cheap we can get medicines in we can you know it turns out pooling resources usually works really well it does yeah yeah deciding that you have to have your own system of checks for chemical safety and airline safety and everything else you know on top of it's the reason why at the minute like a report has come out today that every single river in the UK is now polluted below higher than it's safer to be in the water.
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because we could no longer get the chemicals we need to process our water cleanly and so the water companies were given permission to just dump it in rivers and the sea and just pollute everything.
• 1:01:49
  Eric: Yep we're we're we're we're dealing with that our are uh some fun of our own on that front I don't know if you heard about uh East Palestine Ohio yeah yeah we we had that derailment uh the sky is literally a different color now uh the company investigated themselves found you know they're like oh no it's it's probably fine cut the town a check for twenty five thousand dollars roughly five dollars per citizen affected uh they they say uh oh you can breathe the air just don't drink the water and the Ohio River serves something like ten percent of the country's population.
• 1:02:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's uh I saw a chemist uh post something on Twitter saying that I've looked at the list of things that they had on that train of the things that they've told us so far.
• 1:02:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pretty sure that if you set fire to this combination of things, you get the same gas that they used in the concentration camps.
• 1:02:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's that's a lethal thing that you're releasing into the atmosphere.
• 1:02:49
  Matt: Yeah it's it and if you look at the pictures of the the black cloud it it does not take an expert to see that this is real bad that's being put into the atmosphere.
• 1:03:03
  Eric: It's like if I was just above the cloud line in Middle earth I could point out where Mordor was based on that cloud.
• 1:03:09
  Eric: Kind of yeah which I did want to slide this in do love and because I've been listening to your most recent arc uh uh the the the Tolkien references and just that very very good big big big fan uh love my favorite one of my favorite jokes being about Ents and grassroots movements love it love it love it love it well there are that Igor and Schrdinger are our our our longest running characters um because we had from the from particularly from 2019 when we had Boris Johnson in charge uh it was what we uh do you know the term a a dead cat story?
• 1:03:48
  SPEAKER_01: No so it's uh it's a term you it's very popular in UK politics which is if something's not going your way in a conversation uh you throw a dead cat on the table.
• 1:03:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:03:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because then everybody talks about the dead cat and not about the scandal that you were the focus of.
• 1:04:05
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 1:04:05
  SPEAKER_01: And with Boris Johnson it was literally a dead cat every day.
• 1:04:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:04:09
  SPEAKER_01: It was the next and it and they used it as a mechanism to distract from what they had done with Brexit and to cover up with what they were doing you know like it was like right fine we'll have a scandal over here.
• 1:04:22
  Matt: So that's why he had the COVID parties.
• 1:04:25
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly yeah like it or or it'll be the next thing will then be the dead cat to distract from the last dead cat because that actually got out of control and stuff.
• 1:04:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so obviously we then so we we brought in Schrdinger as Boris Johnson's advisor because he had the obviously known for the is the cat dead or alive in the box sort of thing.
• 1:04:44
  SPEAKER_01: So obviously that just became the metaphor for anything that Johnson did.
• 1:04:49
  Eric: I I yeah I just I love the amount of thought that goes into your show.
• 1:04:53
  Eric: Like it it is it is that's why I think it's so engaging for me.
• 1:04:56
  Eric: That's why I think everyone here go listen to it.
• 1:04:59
  Eric: The strange mole show it is so fucking good because like it just it it's it's all framed in the old like English variety sketch show yeah uh absurdity but it it's just so like every bit you listen to like there's just so much at work there.
• 1:05:15
  Eric: It goes so deep and it's so good.
• 1:05:19
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys thank you it's much appreciated.
• 1:05:21
  Eric: Uh oh so so we've got so we got your side at the other side of this cultural exchange is while you've got the two of us yeah experts um indeed anything about American politics uh socio economic political landscape that you need explained well happily we we're here you know whatever you need well I mean I I'm blessed with stealing one of your women uh my wife is a Californian oh great she's she's she's now taken the citizenship and she's she's now one of us.
• 1:05:50
  SPEAKER_01: Oh good for her backstab but uh I'm not sure whether she regrets that now given how bad things are here, but um at least it means that we're not gonna deporter to Rwanda like we do with our with our refugees.
• 1:06:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's I've I've I've never understood and I like I've never understood the the the House and Congress thing.
• 1:06:12
  SPEAKER_01: Why you have like the two houses.
• 1:06:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh we have a House of Lords.
• 1:06:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:06:17
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:06:18
  SPEAKER_01: But our House of like Parliament is the thing that has power and the House of Lords is it then goes there and they go just to go are we we sure this is right you know kind of thing.
• 1:06:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then lots of people that have previously served in the last place have probably been elevated to the House of Lords that go yeah that's fine.
• 1:06:35
  SPEAKER_01: And if not they can send it back and go, do you want to have another look at these laws?
• 1:06:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um and then they'll pop it back.
• 1:06:41
  SPEAKER_01: And it only goes so many times before usually the House of Lords would then go, oh fine if you really want it then do it.
• 1:06:48
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas I get the impression that's not the way obviously your system works because you you can elect both houses.
• 1:06:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:06:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 1:06:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it baffles me how you as a people choose to have different parties in charge of those houses when you elect them at the seem to elect them at the same time.
• 1:07:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 1:07:07
  Matt: Yeah often how does that I mean the book answer is what you were suggesting.
• 1:07:17
  Matt: Uh it's a checks and balances type thing.
• 1:07:20
  Matt: Theoretically theoretically but on a to put this in sort of a uh we are in the throes of award season so of course let me put it this way the house is like the Golden Globes.
• 1:07:32
  Eric: You know there's a bunch of nominees everyone's in there maybe you get a little consolation prize before going to the Emmys which is the Senate where you lose because the big boys are playing and and what we essentially had was parties realizing they're like oh it really yeah like they realized how to game the system and like so so how to basically remove all the checks and balances part of it.
• 1:07:58
  Eric: You just need to control a few like it was like oh we don't need a majority of people we just need to make sure that the you know the speaker is this person that this person is this person.
• 1:08:07
  Eric: Like and the beautiful thing is like the idea right is like things go to the house they get voted on it gets moved to the Senate where they like confirm kind of like the House of Lords thing like checks balances.
• 1:08:18
  Eric: But in practice what it's turned into is you can pro they'll pass anything in the house because it does not matter.
• 1:08:27
  Eric: Like they'll they'll they're like you can get headlines saying oh bill to give every American$10,000 check every day for the rest of their lives like passes passes the floor vote in the house and and and the newslines run with it and it's great and everyone's happy and are like ah fucking amazing like uh like you mentioned weed earlier that like there are bills for for federal marijuana legalization getting passed in the house all the goddamn time.
• 1:08:55
  Eric: All the time.
• 1:08:56
  Eric: It doesn't it does not matter it is it is completely inconsequential because it's dead in the Senate.
• 1:09:01
  Eric: Yeah and that's kind of how they gain the system was where or it's kind of turned into this toilet bowl where the goal is no longer oh let's make sure we control the House, the Senate and the presidency.
• 1:09:10
  Eric: I mean obviously that's the great that's the ideally whale yes but you only need one of them to fuck everything else up really.
• 1:09:18
  Matt: Yeah that's how we get you get the classic nothing gets done Congress that is kind of currently happening.
• 1:09:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah you might have noticed we've had we had a few prime ministers last year yes a selection if you will a sampling.
• 1:09:32
  SPEAKER_01: A selection yeah uh selection is a is a kind collective term for Tory prime ministers.
• 1:09:39
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway the reason we had that I think is we'd taken on a little bit of American politics in that it became almost like the conservative the members part of that party became like the House and the Conservative party in government became the Senate because it was all about if you put anything on the table that wasn't the hardest form of Brexit you would the leader, the Prime Minister would face a leadership challenge.
• 1:10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yep that's I mean essentially you know I mean Boris Johnson was kicked out because of the amount of scams.
• 1:10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um that he it got to the point where even Tories couldn't defend him any longer.
• 1:10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like they would find they would be going on TV to def and staking their reputations on defending him and while on air he would U-turn and apologize or admit to whatever it was that they were saying he hadn't done.
• 1:10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just shut it up and then uh obviously then we had uh Liz Truss who just decided to set fire to the economy and leave bye yeah she she didn't really get much yeah the shortest term Prime Minister in our history.
• 1:10:51
  Eric: Indeed um nice one Liz yeah she she cost us uh around about 50 billion pound in three days which is we nearly lost all of our pensions God I I and that is something I'm I am super jealous of in British politics because there's still at least the facade of it where if you're not good at your job you get you you go away like you you get asked to leave you can have leadership challenges you can you can fucking theoretically you can do this here our we have entire Congress who like will will hold the budget for the country hostile like they will shut down the government for months and call that a win.
• 1:11:33
  Eric: They'll get applauded for that.
• 1:11:35
  Matt: And the reason that the Senate I mean there are multiple reasons but to dumb it down the the reason the Senate is like ultimately more powerful is because there's uh a senate is more powerful than like a a uh House of Representatives is because there's only two for each state even if your state is California or Rhode Island whereas the House of Representatives there's I think 8,000 members.
• 1:12:04
  Matt: Right that's proportional to population and yeah well it's 435 actually I believe at the moment but the because we just had a uh our last election cycle determined the who controlled the House so those numbers fresh in my brain.
• 1:12:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah we we saw the we saw the Kevin McCarthy dance on this side of the side yes that was great fun.
• 1:12:23
  Matt: Oh that was so entertaining for us.
• 1:12:25
  Matt: It was I just loved all the Democrats bringing popcorn that was so funny to me.
• 1:12:32
  SPEAKER_01: I think there was one of your um what's her name Katie something I think her name is she's the lady that's really good with Oh yes she uh Katie with her whiteboard yes yeah she is my hero she was sat there with a book that said that was called something along the lines of how to survive when you've run out of fucks.
• 1:12:53
  Matt: Yeah the there's that and then there's my favorite part of the whole as you put it Kevin McCarthy uh speaker of the house dance was the the poor uh clerks who have to sit up there at the beginning and be like uh okay uh representative poach and then listen as Representative Poach goes on this like mini tirade while giving his I'm voting for McCarthy blah blah blah the honorable blah blah and meanwhile the clerk is just sitting there like McCarthy Representative Shea you know like just moves on yeah um I was impressed um I was impressed with your boy Biden at uh the State of the Union oh yeah yeah he threw down yeah he uh and the the the tying up uh cuts to Medicare and stuff with the s baller move sweet like 32 double D chess move like chess like whipped away the the cape from the top of the tiger trap and they just marched up you know he yeah exactly he's I I think you know we'll be the first to mention Joe's made some blunders of his own but absolutely a plus strategy knowing that knowing that whole side of the aisle's gonna boo you the whole time made him walk right into it.
• 1:14:15
  Eric: Good job get yourself some ice cream Joe you're you've earned you earned your ice cream bar Joe take a nap now sit yeah yes by now please rest Cruella de Green or whatever in her oh my god in her fur coat in her fur coat just this lovely shot of her like yeah show me the modern aristocracy bam like yeah she was like like a white power rookie yes just like oh yeah she literally is a uh look dresses as a villain now um which is great um well this has been quite the the lively political discourse we've had um eric yes thank you for interviewing oh I did I I didn't know where I was gonna shoehorn this in but I did need to mention it um right here's a good here's a good so speaking political discourse anti-fascism uh my girlfriend and I Alyssa we were watching uh a very uh a timeless classic of of anti-fascist you know disemble the the system the system is broke kind of uh movies I speak of course of Mary Poppins yes I have a question for you Ian just how offensive is Dick Van Dyke's accent to to the English people offensive no but it's more it's become the basis of everybody's understanding of what a British accent is.
• 1:15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah right um so I think it's okay because we we recognize it and use it ourselves.
• 1:15:50
  Eric: Like I was I was you know 5050 on whether or not to j whether or not to introduce myself today by going you know kind of oh yeah I I don't think we get offended by that well I did learn this was something I did not know because because the longest time like when I was a kid I was like that must be what British people shouldn't like um and then as I got older I started studying acting I was like oh okay he's just got a terrible accent.
• 1:16:18
  Eric: I did learn apparently they a Dick Van Dyke because of the because of Mary Poppins because the author lost her shit at him he refused to ever do an accent in a movie again.
• 1:16:30
  Eric: He's like never do it he's like that's that's why I I think it I think in in another movie he did I think it was chitty chitty bang bang he was playing an Englishman as well you'll notice he does not have any sort of accent but a the funniest bit to me is apparently Disney did get him a an accent coach from the UK the accent coach was from Wales oh and and and and the the Welsh accent coach taught Dick Van Dyke a cockney accent and those are all the little ingredients that was the input it was sabotage it was sabotage yeah I I I see where maybe yeah those some of those errors cropped up but um but I also bring up Mary Pollins because as I'm watching this film as an it's been like 15 years since I've seen this movie.
• 1:17:13
  Eric: And I'm just noticing all the fun little bits I'm like oh hell yeah the the the mom's a suffragette uh she's going out cheerfully fucking she's like yeah we're gonna go throw eggs at the prime minister and and and all these little nice bits uh my my girlfriend is a punk she she she like she's one of the most knowledgeable human beings on the planet about like punk music about punk culture so like whenever we watch this stuff we start equating it to like countercultures and stuff like that and we want and and I just wanted to share this with you I thought you might find it amusing we want to make back patches for our punk vests uh we want to make like do a Mary Poppins themed punk vest and I want mine uh it's going to be an image of a chimney sweet's boot like on like kicking kicking an English Bobby in the head and the the caption is just step in time.
• 1:18:00
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 1:18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 1:18:02
  SPEAKER_01: I mean uh to give you maybe some more punk context for that um we we've changed our protest laws so that throwing an egg can potentially get you ten years in prison in the UK now.
• 1:18:16
  SPEAKER_01: Metal that's just the most un-American thing I've ever heard yeah so maybe you know that should be Mary Poppins behind bars, you know kind of like just Wow that's yeah that's quite the punishment that is actually suffragette action.
• 1:18:32
  SPEAKER_01: I mean like we've it it it's we there was some encouraging thing in the news today where we've got a lot of people from Just Stop Oil uh that are protesting at the moment saying you know we just we just need to get rid of it because of the effect on the planet.
• 1:18:46
  SPEAKER_01: And they do it by blocking roads.
• 1:18:48
  SPEAKER_01: So usually it's uh either a big group of people that will walk slowly in front of traffic and stuff.
• 1:18:54
  SPEAKER_01: But here that movement is largely very young people or pensioners.
• 1:19:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like and so now you've got like sixty five year old vicars being taken to court because they've you know I mean engaged in this protest.
• 1:19:11
  SPEAKER_01: And the judge going well I can't say that you're a hardened criminal because you're a vicar and like yesterday there was a case here where I think there were six or seven people were were on charges for something and the judge basically said I agree with everything you stand for and so forth however the law says that I have to sentence you sort of thing um but I'm gonna get rid of the custodial bit of it.
• 1:19:39
  SPEAKER_04: So basically don't do it again but uh you will have criminal records and stuff but community service go sweep the chimney yeah but essentially the judge saying yeah the law's wrong yeah I mean really it really just makes you want to say and I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free and I won't forget the one damn duty Men who do that come on Eric you don't even know our national anthem next to you if there was a referendum to make that our national anthem it would probably like it would have unfortunately probably pass it would probably pass.
• 1:20:21
  Eric: That would you not conquer most of the lyrics of that song are also just ironic when like it's very ridiculous.
• 1:20:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I chose it for the biting back very quickly to that the uh you mentioned Mary Poppins just I when I originally suggested the uh toxic masculinity question to you I I suggested a movie to you which uh I again I I'm gonna pitch it again to you because uh it's it's a life changing movie for me.
• 1:20:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:20:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's uh I think it was in the 90s it's a film called Pauli P-A-U-L-I-E.
• 1:20:54
  SPEAKER_01: Alright and you'll see on the box it'll be a picture of a parrot.
• 1:20:58
  SPEAKER_01: Alright oh like Juan a cracker yeah got it um it's about an hour and a half long my if you can get through this film without breaking down into floods of tears then you you have no soul.
• 1:21:16
  SPEAKER_01: I have lit I I I I call this the Pawley Challenge and I've set this challenge to some incredibly hardened people uh that I've met in my life uh and I've you know sat them down and gone no seriously you need and they're like it's a kids' movie what and I'm like here's your tea look it looks like he man drink it up let's watch this film yes and by the end of it you know these skinhead tattooed hard men just sitting in puck of their own tears gentlemen please say please we'll have to make that a lot of yeah we're we're gonna have to we we have to honor our friend Ian Matthew camera on us and we watch oh man Polly if you don't know the the the the ending of that film I can't guarantee it's gonna it's gonna punch you in the gut harder than you ever's gonna be Marley and me all over again.
• 1:22:11
  Matt: I love a I love breaking my own heart so let's do it.
• 1:22:15
  SPEAKER_01: So unfortunately though I think Mr Holy Mole I think that will bring us towards the end of our uh our time together here absolutely a delight what can you tell us about uh our listeners about uh the strange mole show or anything else you want to promote while you're here yeah so obviously keeping an ear out for the strange mole show you should find it on your podcast player of choice I hope you would go Good Pods where we are part of the same community absolutely love good pods give us a go I you know it it is gonna be a challenge perhaps for people that aren't used to that old British humor but I hope you find something in it to explain what's going on in our country right now.
• 1:22:55
  Matt: Nonsense you said the same thing to us as Eric said and both of us loved the show.
• 1:22:59
  SPEAKER_01: And we understood every single reference great big shout out obviously to my guys so uh Chris Doc Strange um the wonderful Chrissy grec and uh the musical talents of Augusta Lees.
• 1:23:13
  SPEAKER_01: Augusta's been quite ill with COVID recently so I really hope she's okay with that.
• 1:23:18
  SPEAKER_01: Also yeah we so we've got about three more episodes of that to to to go for this season.
• 1:23:23
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 1:23:23
  SPEAKER_01: And then after that we're gonna have a go at something a little different.
• 1:23:27
  SPEAKER_01: I've been working on uh a kind of audio drama.
• 1:23:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes um love that it's kind of a creepy spooky thing that investigates the nature of creation and the universe.
• 1:23:40
  Eric: I love it.
• 1:23:41
  SPEAKER_01: Brief I mean the basic premise is essentially is a guy who inherits a creepy cabin in the woods that belongs to an estranged uncle and meets an acquaintance of him who explains how the universe began and maybe how the universe continues and if it should continue.
• 1:24:02
  Eric: Oh this is Ian this is so far up my alley I'm getting mugged.
• 1:24:08
  Eric: Like it is fucking nice.
• 1:24:11
  Eric: Yes subscribe love.
• 1:24:14
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely so yeah that will probably well we'll probably do a it might come out on a different entity than the strange mole show but we will certainly have an advert for it strange mole show channels and stuff so you'll you you'll find it that way get that cross promotion going.
• 1:24:30
  Matt: Yeah indeed all right well once again Ian holy mole we appreciate you joining us appreciate you being a fan um and coming on to the show and uh uh as we wrap things up Eric I can see you're chomping at the bit what is I just wanted to say because of your description of vis-à-vis milk and tea I'm probably now forever just gonna refer to it as care for a cup of heavy cup of he glad to have given you that yeah uh yeah and so just to get our own business out of the way real quick the mini version miniature the mini business listen submit your questions to us at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com all spelled out or you didn't ask pod that's the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram Twitter uh YouTube where uh we put up the last episode if you want to listen to it it's not the video component just the audio there and we added a transcript yeah you know in case you want to read the novel the novelization of this episode that'll be up there as well throwing those up too uh I think that's the business and you know it's been once again our show's been elevated by a guest because we haven't had one in so long we thank you very much for joining us and my boys a pleasure thank you and to everyone else uh all I have to say is from all of us here you didn't ask for this my name's Matt Shea my name's Eric Poach and listen you didn't ask but you know usually something funny here.
• 1:26:07
  Matt: Well Eric I didn't want to steal your your bit this is your golden moment to shine but I am realizing this it's something a little it feels a little bit unfair about how we treated our previous British guest to how we treat this one.
• 1:26:23
  SPEAKER_04: And something's missing I just can't put my f it's a little bit of this now innit cultural appropriation now cultural appropriation never hurt no one got well that's Paul Ann Wa you dirty rats.
• 1:26:42
  Eric: Oh that you dirty you dirty rats is that what we've been doing to them holy shit