Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #679 Managing Fatigue as a Parent

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#679 Managing Fatigue as a Parent · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers Now.
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  Speaker 1: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families dot Com doyom. He with Kylie, my wife, mum,
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  Speaker 1: to our six kids on Friday the thirteenth more. I
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  Speaker 1: feel like I should do my wicked witch laugh. The
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  Speaker 1: kids get excited about it. I don't know if you will.
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  Speaker 2: What It's been a while since that one's come home.
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  Speaker 1: It won't come out again for a long time. I'm
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  Speaker 1: so sorry. I'm so sorry. Now school holiday is continuing.
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  Speaker 1: We've got a big topic today because I mean, holidays
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  Speaker 1: are supposed to be rejuvenating, they're supposed to be refreshing.
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  Speaker 1: But today we're talking about managing fatigue as a parent,
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  Speaker 1: because parents are tired. Is there a better way to
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  Speaker 1: say that? Or is that about right?
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  Speaker 2: You know, I've been having conversations with lots of people
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  Speaker 2: about this lately because I am feeling exhausted. I feel
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  Speaker 2: like I've hit rock bottom in a way that I've
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  Speaker 2: never hit before. I can hear it in your voice,
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  Speaker 2: and there's just this acknowledgment that you know, we have
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  Speaker 2: been through some of the hardest couple of years, not
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  Speaker 2: collectively as a human race, dealing with just so much
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  Speaker 2: uncertainty and stress and anxiety around you know, COVID and jobs,
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  Speaker 2: and you know whether or not there's enough food on
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  Speaker 2: the shelves at the shops. There's just been so much
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  Speaker 2: to deal with.
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  Speaker 1: And now we're dealing with the economic insecurity of interest
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  Speaker 1: rate hikes and so.
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  Speaker 2: On, and all of that insecurity and instability has taken
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  Speaker 2: a physical and mental toll on everybody.
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  Speaker 1: So I reckon, though, Kylie, that we were tired before COVID,
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  Speaker 1: like I think part of the condition.
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  Speaker 2: As a parent specifically, I mean, I think tiredness is
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  Speaker 2: across the board everybody. Everybody experiences it to some level.
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  Speaker 2: But as a parent, I think that you know you
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  Speaker 2: sign up for a lifetime exhaustion.
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  Speaker 1: So do you remember when we had little kids? Do
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  Speaker 1: you remember how how tiring it was? When we had
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  Speaker 1: kids that were like one and two and three.
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  Speaker 2: I was so exhausted that I would often wake up
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  Speaker 2: at about one o'clock in the morning it still on
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  Speaker 2: the ground, after having tried to pad off a child
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  Speaker 2: and wondering why you hadn't come and woken me up
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  Speaker 2: to take me to bed because you had fallen asleep
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  Speaker 2: in bed waiting for.
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  Speaker 1: Me, or patting another child off in another room or
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  Speaker 1: something like that. I mean, you were so tired when
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  Speaker 1: you were pregnant with our second child. We had like
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  Speaker 1: a two and a half year old pregnant with our
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  Speaker 1: second one, and we were a Billy Joel concert Brisbane
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  Speaker 1: and attainment center, like in two thousand and I guess
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  Speaker 1: two thousand and one, two thousand and two, and you fell.
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  Speaker 1: You're going to let me love that fell asleep in
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  Speaker 1: a rock concert. That's so exhaustion is But so how
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  Speaker 1: do we manage fatigue as a parent? How do we
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  Speaker 1: get the balance right? Before we share some solutions, I
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  Speaker 1: want to share one quick metaphor that I found really useful,
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  Speaker 1: and that is the metaphor of a tightrope walker. So
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  Speaker 1: I don't think that a tightrope walker is ever what
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  Speaker 1: you might call perfectly balanced. Instead, they're in a process
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  Speaker 1: of constantly balancing, always adjusting, moving a bit to the left,
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  Speaker 1: a little bit to the right as they move make
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  Speaker 1: their way across the tightrope, and the I energy on
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  Speaker 1: the end of the word tells us it's active. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it's a process. It's something that we have to be
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  Speaker 1: continually doing. I think that's why it's exhausting, trying to
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  Speaker 1: get this balance right. It's never quite right, but we're
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  Speaker 1: always in the process of balancing.
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  Speaker 2: I just love that metaphor because when I think about,
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  Speaker 2: you know, family life in general, whether it's dealing with
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  Speaker 2: fatigue or you know, kind of dealing with children's behavior
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  Speaker 2: challenges or eating, whatever it is, it's constantly changing. Just
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  Speaker 2: when you think you've got the mix right, just when
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  Speaker 2: you feel like you're spot on, everything's going right, which
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  Speaker 2: is that whole balance right, you're on the tightrope and
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  Speaker 2: you feel like, oh, I've got this, I've got Oh no,
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  Speaker 2: I don't. Well, I sway to the other side.
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  Speaker 1: Every now and again, I'm feeling balanced, and then one
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  Speaker 1: of the kids will come and say, Dad.
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  Speaker 2: That's exactly right, Dad, And there's just there's so many
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  Speaker 2: moving parts.
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  Speaker 1: In fact, usually it's you that throws me off balance
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  Speaker 1: because I'll be balanced and then they kids say, Mom
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  Speaker 1: said to ask you, because you're you're so tired of
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  Speaker 1: making the decisioncy making me make them I'm like, ah,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to make it. In fact, every now
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  Speaker 1: and again, I'll say, go and ask mum, and I
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  Speaker 1: already did. She said to ask you just constant. So
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  Speaker 1: let's now what we're going to talk about. In terms
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  Speaker 1: of solutions, they're kind of obvious, but we still don't
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  Speaker 1: do them well. We certainly don't do them enough. So
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  Speaker 1: solution number one to manage fatigue as a parent is sleep.
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  Speaker 2: This one's so funny because in our house, specifically with you,
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  Speaker 2: when it comes time to go to bed, the more
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  Speaker 2: exhausted you are, the more inclined you are to turn
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  Speaker 2: the TV on.
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  Speaker 1: I know what is it with that?
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  Speaker 2: And I will fall in line with that easily because
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  Speaker 2: I just want some brain dead time.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, but it's.
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  Speaker 2: The last thing you need to be doing at the
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  Speaker 2: times when you feel so exhausted you just need to
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  Speaker 2: close your eyes.
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  Speaker 1: I'm really frustrated that you've shared that with the world,
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  Speaker 1: but you're exactly right. The tired I am, the more
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  Speaker 1: likely it is that I will pick up the remote
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  Speaker 1: and say, let's just watch one episode of something, which
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  Speaker 1: is a really dumb thing, because instead what I should
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  Speaker 1: do is pick up a book, a nonfiction book, a
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  Speaker 1: book that's not going to keep me captivated page after page.
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  Speaker 1: But sleep we treat sleep like it's a luxury item,
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  Speaker 1: and the reality is it's not. It's essential. We simply
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  Speaker 1: cannot function well as people, as parents, as partners if
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  Speaker 1: we're sleep deprived. So the average adult needs approximately say
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  Speaker 1: seven and a half to nine hours of sleep per night.
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  Speaker 1: You can get by on less than that, but over time,
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  Speaker 1: you're going to sleep debt. The more sleep debt you have,
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  Speaker 1: the more likely it is that you're going to have
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  Speaker 1: impaired decision making, you're going to have fatigue management issues.
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  Speaker 1: You're just not going to perform well well.
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  Speaker 2: And if your body clock is functioning, then regardless of
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  Speaker 2: what time you go to bed, you're going to get
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  Speaker 2: up at the same time every morning. So you're not
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  Speaker 2: getting the full amount of sleep that you need unless
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  Speaker 2: you stick to the routine.
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  Speaker 1: Right, So, we've got a long weekend coming up, and
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  Speaker 1: my recommendation for anyone who's wanting to manage their fatigue
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  Speaker 1: better as a parent is to get enough sleep. Just
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  Speaker 1: have a couple of early nights, have a couple of
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  Speaker 1: sleep ins if you need them, and try to get
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  Speaker 1: that sleep debt taken care of. Because it does make
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  Speaker 1: a difference. It doesn't mean that you won't get tired.
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  Speaker 1: It just means that the tiredness won't be as bone heavy,
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  Speaker 1: and it won't set in as early. I mean by
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  Speaker 1: about seven o'clock every night, you're going to be tired,
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  Speaker 1: but it's worse when you're exhausted. Second big idea is diet.
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  Speaker 1: So when it comes to diet, it will we know
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  Speaker 1: we're supposed to. But the more sugar we have for
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  Speaker 1: people who are drinking, the more alcohol you have, the
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  Speaker 1: less effective your body functions. I think that's kind of
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  Speaker 1: that's the message, right.
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  Speaker 2: I think that maybe I have it completely wrong, but
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  Speaker 2: I think mums are so prone to not feeding their
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  Speaker 2: bodies the things that they need because we eat on
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  Speaker 2: the run so much of the time. We feel so
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  Speaker 2: busy and so time poor that instead of making ourselves,
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  Speaker 2: you know, a healthy lunch to sit down and eat,
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  Speaker 2: we just go to the cupboard and grab a couple
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  Speaker 2: of biscuits to kind of give us that sugar hit
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  Speaker 2: that we need to keep going. And it's just so
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  Speaker 2: easy to fall into that habit and then you know,
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  Speaker 2: kind of lay it down the track find ourselves in
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  Speaker 2: really challenging positions if we don't take the time to
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  Speaker 2: fuel our bodies with the things that we need.
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  Speaker 1: Just had a minor brain wave as you were saying that,
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  Speaker 1: and that is how much we rely on quick and
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  Speaker 1: easy food. So if we can make really healthy food
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  Speaker 1: massively accessible by peeling the carrots and having them chopped
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  Speaker 1: in some tuppware in the fridge, or.
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  Speaker 2: Even just making more than you need for dinner. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: so you know when we've got leftovers in the fridge.
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  Speaker 1: We straight to the leftovers.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, so easy to just pull out the leftovers, heat
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  Speaker 2: them up for break for lunch, or you know, kind
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  Speaker 2: of add them to something for a healthy lunch. But
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  Speaker 2: if they're not there, then it's like ah.
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  Speaker 1: And the other thing that makes it easier is just
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  Speaker 1: having a meal list right, like knowing what we're eating,
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  Speaker 1: which means that we're less likely to make less healthy alternatives.
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  Speaker 1: Fatigue management, diet is central. Sleep is the other one.
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  Speaker 1: And the third and final one that we're going.
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  Speaker 2: To mention today is attention management.
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  Speaker 1: So that means that we know what we're focusing on
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  Speaker 1: and we're choosing to focus on it for the right
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  Speaker 1: reasons at the right time. And it kind of goes
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  Speaker 1: back to the screen issue, I guess, but it's also
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  Speaker 1: about being present, being intentional, being in the moment.
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  Speaker 2: Well, when I think about that, I actually think about,
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  Speaker 2: you know, looking at the things that I have to
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  Speaker 2: do in any given day and then adjusting my expectations
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  Speaker 2: to what I am capable of doing in a day. Right,
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  Speaker 2: so often we have this ridiculous to do list, and
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  Speaker 2: I remember, especially when the kids to be younger, I
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  Speaker 2: would literally stay in my gym gear all day, not
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  Speaker 2: because I wanted to, but number one, I didn't give
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  Speaker 2: myself the time to have a shower, and number two
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  Speaker 2: because it meant that I could run faster. It literally
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  Speaker 2: gave me the sense of being energetic in spite of
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  Speaker 2: the fact that I didn't feel it physically, but I
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  Speaker 2: had my jogers on, so it meant that I could
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  Speaker 2: move faster and that kind of gave me the capacity
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  Speaker 2: to get through my day. But it comes at a cost.
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  Speaker 2: We don't take the time to take care of ourselves
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  Speaker 2: and nourish ourselves, whether it be food, sleep, exercise, whatever.
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  Speaker 2: It makes it so much harder for us to do
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  Speaker 2: the things we need to do.
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  Speaker 1: And I reckon we just need to emphasize here as well.
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  Speaker 1: One last thing in terms of attention management and that is,
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  Speaker 1: it's okay to have downtime, it's okay to steer at
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  Speaker 1: a screen, it's okay to really embed yourself in a
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  Speaker 1: book or something like that. But it's about doing it
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  Speaker 1: on purpose. It's about saying, Okay, this is the time
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  Speaker 1: that I'm doing it. I know it's not going to
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  Speaker 1: come at any cost in relation to sleep, or relationships
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  Speaker 1: or the other things that matter. If we get that right,
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  Speaker 1: they will manage our fatigue better. I know that they're
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  Speaker 1: kind of generic responses, but they really are at the
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  Speaker 1: very heart of managing our fatigue. And get someone else
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  Speaker 1: to make your decisions, they'll do it as well.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe there's a new job out there for someone.
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  Speaker 1: We hope that you're enjoying the Happy Families Podcast summer series.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: We're back again on Monday with more on the Happy
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: Families Podcast. For more information, visitors at Happy families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot a