Latest / The Karen Kenney Show / EXPANDING THE TOOLS IN YOUR TOOLKIT

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EXPANDING THE TOOLS IN YOUR TOOLKIT · The Karen Kenney Show

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Karen Kenney: It's the Karen Kenney show. Hey, you guys!
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Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm super duper excited to
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be here with you today. We're just gonna start. We're just
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gonna jump right in with a little story. So I was in my car
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today, earlier today, on my way to the gym, and you know I have
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to put something in my console. And when I was looking in my
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console, I see down in there two things that I get very excited.
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So down in my console, I keep you know there's a couple of
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things in there, but two of the things that I keep in there is
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one is I have a Swiss Army knife, you know, a Swiss Army
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little toolkit tool thing, and then I also have a Leatherman.
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So when I was a kid, I loved Swissami knives. Like Double
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Aman, hands if you can relate, right? I was a wicked tomboy. I
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loved like GI Joes and like all all all the all the stuff that
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people would say like quote unquote the boys like. Like I
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think everybody can like everything. I'm just saying this
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is what we called it back in the day, right? So when I was a kid,
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I loved Swiss Army knives, and then later in the '80s, they
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came out with a called Leatherman, like Leatherman
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craft tools. And what I loved about these things is that they
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were multi-purpose units, right? That they were multi-tools. And
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what I realized is, so like for example, the Swiss Army knife is
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kind of built around the knife, but some of the Swasami knives
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also have screwdrivers, and they have little things for like
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digging into stuff and threading things. They have cork screws,
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right? And then the Leatherman is built more around like
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pliers, and then it has these multi things around them, so you
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can like pop open, and there's a screwdriver. You can pop open
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this like little mini scissors, right? So like everything you
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need is like built into these little things. And when I was
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thinking about these multi tools and what really resonated with
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me is I love the idea that in one little thing you can totally
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expand your toolkit. And when I started to think about human
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beings, right? My sweetie and I were talking about this the
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other day, and I was thinking about human beings. What happens
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so often is that people do not expand their toolkit. They don't
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expand the tools in their toolkit. And another way of
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saying that is that they don't expand their perspectives,
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right? And we'll get into all of that in a minute. So I want to
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get into this idea of why it's important that we expand our
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quote-unquote toolkit or our set of tools, and it goes back to
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this quote that maybe you have heard. Now people have
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attributed these quotes to like different people, like Mark
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Twain, whatever. Mark Twain. There's obviously like no proof
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that he ever said this, but the reason why we don't want to have
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a small toolkit is because it really limits how we not only
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see the world but how we respond to the world. It it changes how
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we see problems in solutions, and it changes how we interact
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with other human beings in our relationships, right? So Abraham
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Maslow said. So back in 1966, a guy named Abraham Maslow said
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this in the Psychology of Science. He says this: If you,
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if the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat
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everything as if it were a nail. Another way that this got said
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around the same time is it says if one has a hammer, one tends
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to look for nails. So we can already see how only having one
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tool it limits your scope not only of problem solving, but it
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limits your perspective. If the only thing you have is the
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hammer, everything not only starts to look like nails, like
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that's the tool you need to use, but you'll also only you'll
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start to look for nails. You'll start to look for problems that
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maybe don't even exist. And then Abraham Kaplan, who was a
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professor of philosophy at UCLA, he also said this back in the 60
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s. Something very similar, and this is called the Kaplan's Law
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of the Instrument.
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It's also sometimes called the first law of the instrument, and
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this is what it states. He says, "Give a boy a hammer, and
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everything he meets has to be pounded. Another way that this
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has been kind of paraphrases this: I did research. You guys
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know I always look shit up. I do like I love words. I love like
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phrases and quotes and and getting to the to the happy like
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the origin story of stuff. So another way that this has been
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said is this: If you give a boy a hammer, he suddenly finds that
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everything needs pounding. Think about that. Let's just hit boop
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boop. Let's hit the pause button for a second and think about
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this. If you have only one tool, you. Start to see everything
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through the lens of this is the solution for everything, and if
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this is the only thing you have, you think that's the only way to
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view things through, right? And so it becomes very limiting. And
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I'm going to apply this in a broader perspective in a moment.
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So here's the thing: if you only have a hammer, that's all you'll
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ever use, and you don't even sometimes know that there are
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other options or other ways or other tools out there. So one of
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the things that is deeply, deeply required, and I cannot
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say this enough, is you must be a person who has curiosity. Now
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I'm just going to go out there and say this, and this might
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make me sound mean or judgmental or a jerk or whatever, but I
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really, really do feel this deeply. I find people who have a
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lack of curiosity so excruciatingly dull. People who
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are not interested in other human beings, people who aren't
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interested in other points of view, people who aren't
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interested in learning, people who aren't interested in hearing
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the story, people who don't want to know what it's like to stand
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in another person's shoes, people who don't want to
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understand another person's perspective. Like, if you're not
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curious, one of the things that I have said to my yoga students
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for a gazillion years, and I say it to people in the nest. I say
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it to people in my yoga classes. I say it to people in mentoring
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and in my writing. My writing, you know, write club. I do
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writing workshops every month. The number one thing that I tell
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them is you must be curious. If you are not curious, oh my God,
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I see it so often too. As a podcaster, I see people who
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interview other human beings, and they are just not curious
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enough. They just ask the same old questions that everybody
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asks. They don't get under the under. They don't lean in. They
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don't ask people about themselves, and you also see
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this in bad dates. On bad dates, when the other person all they
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do is talk about themselves, and they don't ask you a single
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thing about yourself. And I also see this. There's so much
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suffering that I have seen with humans I have worked with in
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relationship to their families, and they'll say to me, like,
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think about like their siblings, their parents, their people,
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their quote unquote people, and they'll say they never ask me
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about myself, and I'm like, they don't ask you about yourself
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because they've already decided who they think you are. They put
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you, they slapped a bunch of labels on you, they put you in
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the boxes of their own making. They've decided that this is who
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you are, and you could be six months later, six years later,
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60 years later, and they just have lost all curiosity about
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you, for you, towards you, whatever. And it is just lazy,
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and it's dull, and it's uninspiring. And if that makes
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me an asshole, I guess that's what I am because I just I just
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do not understand now what why people have a lack of curiosity
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about other people's humanities and stories and why they are the
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way that they are and why they think that and why they do that.
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I mean, I just think like, oh my god, you cannot be a writer and
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a storyteller. You cannot be a good teacher. I don't think you
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can be a good coach.
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I don't think you can be a good mentor or a good therapist or
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even a good parent for that matter. If you're not leaning
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into and trying to get more tools in your toolkit for
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understanding the other humans and animals and world around
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you, so how? Like again, think about it. If all you have is a
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hammer, but the person or the problem or the situation
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requires needle nose tweezes, then you're fucked, and the
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person that you're dealing with is also fucked because if you
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only have a hammer when the situation, the person, the
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whatever requires a little bit more tenderness, or mercy, or
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compassion, or quiet, or care, or whatever, then damage will be
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done. You will end up leaving a mark. And one of the ways that I
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saw this, I'll never forget. So here I am, like a total mass
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hole, right? I grow up in Lawrence, Mass. I go to BU. I
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live in Boston for five years, whatever, and then I move out to
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LA. That's a longer story for another. I would say read the
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book, read the read the memoir when it comes out. But it was
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so, it was so mind blowing to me, like my experience in Los
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Angeles, in L.A. in California, when I look back to what my life
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was like in Lawrence and in Boston and stuff like that, I
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would not be the same person that I am. I've said this before
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about my mother too. I'm like, if my mother hadn't been killed,
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like if my mother didn't die when I was. Younger, I don't
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think I'd be the same person that I am today, and I can tell
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you 100% straight up facts, facts. I would not be the same
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person I am today if I hadn't left home, gotten the fuck out
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of Mass Hole City, right? And I, you know me, I love being a
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little masshole. Hashtag evolved masshole, right? But to leave my
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roots, to leave my quote-unquote people, to leave the family, and
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to move 3000 miles away to the opposite coast, right? I went
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from the northeast to the southwest. You know, it's like
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what a total different experience, and I remember like
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it was so fascinating because my sweetie has talked about this
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too because he's a kid that grew up in Dover, New Hampshire, and
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same thing he moved out to LA. We were both out in LA at the
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same time, probably circling around each other. Our paths
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didn't cross, although we're convinced that we were in the
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same places at the same time, but just didn't know each other.
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But he too also says, like when we were out there, like people
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who were local, like local native Californians. A lot of
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times, it's like they didn't get they didn't get the sarcasm,
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they didn't get the harshness, they didn't get the like teasing
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as a form of affection. Right? It was just like foreign to
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them. It was like, what, what, what is this, right? And they
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didn't always understand like the East Coast. And I often say,
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I'm an East Coast kid, like I'm an East Coast kid with like a
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West Coast sensibility in a lot of ways. Because being in
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Burbank, being in in Montecito and Santa Barbara with Marianne,
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right? Marian Williamson being down in San Diego, like just
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being on the West Coast and experiencing their point of
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view, like experiencing Hollywood, experiencing like all
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the movie styles, experiencing the glam and the grit,
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experiencing just the level and depth of of you know, a lot of
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people like oh the the Californians are crazy it's all
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woo woo out there, but I will tell you the spiritual
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experiences the spiritual exposure that I got in
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California I would not be the same person. So if you're
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somebody who finds themselves always reaching for the hammer,
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and let's just think about this. Let me give you a concrete
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example. Let's say that when you get into an argument with your
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sweetie, you guys fall into your patterns because you don't have
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any tools. So one of you starts slamming shit or slamming doors
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or whatever, and the other one does the silent treatment, and
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like that's your mo.
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The only way that you need to, the only way that you seem to
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have to show your dissatisfaction, your
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unhappiness, your annoyance, your anger, whatever, is that
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you stop speaking to your partner. And somebody was
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telling me the other day, they're like, "Oh yeah, I've
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known people who they don't talk. They live in this little
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space, this little apartment, and they haven't talked to each
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other in two weeks. And I just think like, what the fuck is
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that? Like, what does that look like, right? And I'm not, I'm
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not judging those people, but what it usually tells me is they
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don't have more tools in their toolkit for finding out how to
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express or sharing how they feel with the other person, right?
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Let's say that your immediate tool is like anger, like you you
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don't have any other way of like expressing yourself again. When
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all you have is a hammer, everything and everybody starts
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to look like a nail that needs to get pounded. So it limits us.
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It limits our ability to respond appropriately. And again, let's
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say something you know needs a screwdriver, but all you have is
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a chisel. Like that's not going to work. So it's so important
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that we learn how to expand our toolkit to get different tools,
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and we could also apply this to ourselves with ourselves. Like
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let's say that you're somebody who has panic attacks, or
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somebody who gets anxious, or somebody who has whatever. It's
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really, really helpful to be able to have different things in
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your toolbox, like breathing exercises, or knowing that you
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can take something cold and put it on the back of your neck, or
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put cold water on your face, or knowing that you could hum like
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some sounds to help your vagus nerve, or knowing that you could
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suck on a super sour candy because that will pull you in,
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knowing that you could do EFT tapping or bilateral stimulation
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or 1000 other tools, but you have to be curious enough and
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have a strong enough desire to want to help yourself, that you
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learn those things, and some very simple things that you can
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do. Because I get it, right? Me going, leaving Lawrence and
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going to Boston and being at Boston University around kids
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who came from such different lives than me, kids who had so.
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Much money, whose parents were like they didn't have the money.
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Their parents had the money, right? Kids who had famous
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parents, kids who just came from different religions and
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backgrounds, and all kinds of stuff. Like that was another
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like like the door swung open on my life, and I was able to meet
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people from the Midwest, and I was able to meet like Jewish
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friends, and I was able to be exposed to people who were from
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Ghana. Like, I mean, my whole world was just woo, just like
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grew in size, right? And then moving to California, that it
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did that too, right? All the experiences I got to have with
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the Course in Miracles and working in bookstores and da da
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da da, like all these things, right? So not everybody though
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can go off to college. Not everybody wants to. Not
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everybody can possibly leave home or leave their hometown.
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Sometimes you're stuck where you're stuck for whatever
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reason. You don't have transportation. You don't have
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money. You don't have support. You don't know where to go. You
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don't know how to go. Whatever. But some of the things that we
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can simply do to grow our toolkit in our own. When you're
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you're just like, hey, I don't have a ton of resources, and I'm
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like, everybody can get a library card. I don't know if
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you have to walk to the library. I don't know if you're able to
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get to the library. Maybe a friend can like. Maybe you can
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call, find out whatever. Again, but you need to be curious. You
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need to be willing to step a little outside of your comfort
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zone to learn new tools, right? But if you cannot leave home,
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then leave your apartment, leave your house, leave whatever, and
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go to the library, go to the bookstore, right? Libraries are
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free.
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That's the beautiful thing: is you can get a library card and
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reading in libraries, and again, not everybody maybe can read,
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but you can do books on audio if you can listen, right? And
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again, there's always nuances and exceptions to all of the
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things that I might say, so I don't know all the solutions,
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and I can't possibly in this short amount of time, you know,
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give you give you like all the solutions. But what I'm saying
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is, there are ways to help educate yourself, to expand your
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perspective, to see from other people's point of views. This is
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what books do: is they give us insights into the quote unquote
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quote unquote. I'm doing little air quotes. Others, right? I
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often think this. I just think people from different political
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parties should talk to each other. Straight people should
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talk to gay people. Black people and white people should maybe
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have a conversation. People who are all different from each
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other, people who come from maybe organized religion, should
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talk to some atheists. People who love yoga should talk to
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people who don't like whatever. But if we all got curious about
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each other. If we all got curious about wanting to have
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more tools beyond just having that one hammer or that one
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screwdriver or that one set of pliers, right? If we could get
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curious enough and expand our toolkit, then we could respond
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more appropriately to the humans in our life, to the situations
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in our life, to the climate that we find ourselves in right now,
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you know. And another thing we can do too is talk to, like I
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just said, talk to people who are different than you. Talk to
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people who you would normally not talk to. Find out. Be
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curious. Expand your perspective. Because again, like
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I love being a Swiss Army knife. I have now kind of become that.
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Like I look at my life, and you know, sometimes it's a struggle
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when it comes to marketing, and people like, "What do you do?
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And I'm like, "Oh Jesus Christ on a cracker! Because I'm not
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just one thing. Like my sweetie's like I'm a musician,
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and yeah, he's a multi instrumentalist and he's a
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singer and he's a songwriter, but he's a musician. When people
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are like, "What do you do? I'm like, "Oh my god! Like, where do
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I start? I do so many things, so it makes a little bit hotter
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sometimes. But I love that I have a lot of different skill
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sets. I love that I'm a podcaster and I'm a writer
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working on a memoir, and I love that I've been a yoga teacher
18:59
forever. I love that I do Thai yoga massage, right? Thai yoga
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body work. I love that I host Write Club every month. I love
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that I have the Nest, my my spiritual mentoring group
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coaching membership. I love that I work one to one with people.
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Like I love that I like I you know Reiki, like all the things,
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just all the things, right? I love that I'm kind of like a
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little Swissami toolkit, right? A Swiss Army knife, and I think
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for all of us, especially as we get older, because for a lot of
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people, when they get older, they lock in. They lock in to
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their way being the only way, to their tools being the best
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tools, to their way being the right way. You know what I mean?
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We we make our lives and our minds very very very small, and
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it limits our capacity to connect to have deep
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relationships. You know, it's like if if you just stopped
19:54
assuming you already knew what your sweetie was gonna say or
19:58
what you already knew your sibling was. Gonna do, or if you
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already whatever, if you stop showing up to the potty with
20:04
your one tool, and instead went in and said, "My toolkit's a
20:08
little lacking. I need to expand this toolkit. I need to get more
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tools in my toolkit, right, so that I can make different
20:15
choices, so that I can see things differently. So this is
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an invitation for us to like all of us, me too, to kind of look
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at how we have been kind of like what's the tool I've been
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picking up a lot? Is it expectation? Is it assumptions?
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Right? Is it putting people in boxes?
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Is it like oh, I've been using my judgment tool like a wicked
20:36
lot lately or whatever? You know what I'm saying? And we can get
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creative and apply whatever we think tools are. There's literal
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tools, hammers, nails, whatever. There's tools that we use for
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healing, right? There's tools that we use for what's word like
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even our bodies. Like a lot of times, yoga teachers just think
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yoga is the one and the only way, and it can heal everything.
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No, it can't. No, it can't. And especially if you're of a
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certain age, you might want to get some strength training in.
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That's the other thing. I used to be a personal trainer, right?
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Used to be a professional organizer. I have dabbled and
21:10
fucked around and found out, and I have a lot of tools in my
21:13
toolkit. But I love it because when I am, you know, hired to
21:19
help somebody, whether it's simply somebody coming to my
21:22
yoga class or somebody showing up on my mat for Thai yoga body
21:26
work, which is Thai yoga massage, but in New Hampshire
21:29
you have to be very careful, right? So whenever somebody is
21:35
showing up, if I only knew how to how to stretch, right, work
21:39
on people who are wicked flexible, it would totally limit
21:43
my thing. If I always insist on my yoga class and it's going to
21:47
be done this way and it's going to be a fast class and it's
21:49
going to be da da da da, half the so many people in my class
21:52
would not be able to participate or keep up. We have to be
21:57
multifaceted as human beings. We have to do it in our work. We
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have to do it in our relationships. We have to do it
22:04
in our relationship with ourselves. We have to do it in
22:06
our craft, right? We have to. And I think for me, one of the
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greatest tools that I have in my toolkit is my curiosity. I'm
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also wicked resilient. I'm also persistent, you know. So there's
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different kind of tools that we can have, not just physical
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tools, not just physical skill sets, but it's also how I look
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at the world. I also can handle a pretty good plot twist, you
22:33
know. I'm pretty good in an emergency, like whatever it is.
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So I want to invite you to take a look at your own toolkit and
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just notice, like, where am I maybe lacking? Like, my
22:45
communication skills aren't so great. I'm kind of, I, I am
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straight up, straight out of patience, right? My patient's
22:52
coffee maybe could be refilled, but I need a little more toolkit
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in the patience, you know, slot or zone or whatever. And I like
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to think of this. I'm a very visual thinker, right? So, like
23:03
some of you may have had grandparents in double may amen
23:06
hands if you did, but you might have had grandparents or uncles
23:09
or aunties or whoever who in the garage or in their basement or
23:13
in their little workstation or their what do people have their
23:18
little artist studio in the house whatever however you grew
23:20
up, you know they might have had either a shelf or a wall. But
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I'm thinking of the ones like in the old days. You know those
23:28
paddle boards that had all the holes in them, so you can put
23:31
little hooks in, and people would like hang up their tools
23:34
and then trace the tools. So if you lent it to somebody or your
23:38
neighbor took it, you would know when it was missing, like on the
23:41
wall or whatever, and then you could ask for it back, and it's
23:45
like, oh yeah, like Marty next door has the hammer or whatever,
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right? So when you see, right, so I think of it like that. You
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could literally picture it like you're like one of those red
23:55
metal toolboxes with the latches, like click, click, you
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know, and opening them up, or you could see it like more of a
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like a tool belt that's around your waist, or whatever. However
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you visualize this, but I'm thinking of the one with the
24:08
outlines right now, right? A wall toolkit. You know, imagine
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looking at that and being wicked honest with yourself and saying
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like, what's on my wall? What's missing from my wall. What tools
24:23
maybe could I use?
24:24
Because again, if all you have is a hammer, you'll walk around
24:28
thinking everybody needs to be pounded. And what I mean by that
24:32
is, if you grew up like as a asshole, and your solution to
24:35
everything was to suck it up and stuff it down, when somebody
24:38
else comes to you with a problem, or your child comes to
24:41
you and they're upset, you and you don't know compassion,
24:44
tenderness, mercy, listening, right? Like really hearing them,
24:48
reflecting back what they just said to you, asking them. Like
24:52
one of your tools, a really good tool to have is to ask somebody,
24:56
"What do you need from me right now? Do you just want me to
24:59
listen?" Or do you want me to help you find some solutions,
25:04
right? If you don't have that toolkit, if you don't have that
25:06
tool in your toolkit, you just think to pick up your hammer and
25:09
say, "Suck it up, you know, "suck it up. This happens to
25:12
everybody. You don't know how bad I had it back in the day. If
25:16
you if you bring everything back to you, or you're not able to be
25:19
compassionate towards their situation, you are lacking some
25:23
tools, my friend. You know, so we get to take an honest, as
25:26
they say in 12-step programs, you take a fearless moral
25:30
inventory. Well, right now we're just taking a fearless and
25:33
wicked honest like tool inventory, right? And and ask
25:37
myself, where has my toolbox? Is there an attrition rate, right?
25:41
Do you have even less tools now as you got older because you
25:44
started to specialize in something and you really started
25:47
to drink the Kool-Aid that this way is the only way, or this is
25:51
how my family has always done it? Because sometimes, right?
25:55
And if you're sometimes, you know, if you're somebody who's
25:58
like, as we call it, or it is sometimes called idiot
26:02
compassion or idiot empathy, right? Where you're way you cut
26:05
people way too much slack all the time, when sometimes they
26:11
need a little boot in the ass, lovingly, as I always say,
26:14
loving but firm, right? As I was taught from my teaches, multiple
26:18
teaches, Ashwaran, one of them, you know, taught me that loving
26:22
but firm, because we don't. It's it's not helpful to anybody to
26:26
let them treat you like shit to be a doormat. Letting people get
26:29
away with being total colossal assholes is not helpful to them
26:34
or to you. So I can just go on and on and on giving different
26:39
examples, but I think you're wicked smart. My I know my
26:41
listen is a super duper smarty pants, so you're picking up what
26:44
I'm putting down. But I do think, right? I mean, so much of
26:48
this podcast is I would love for us to be able to move through
26:51
the world, right? Move through the world, right? With with more
26:56
confidence and more calm, more creativity, more connection,
27:00
more compassion, all the things. All if you listened to my
27:04
episode last week about talking to the younger you, I talked
27:07
about the 8c's of self-that capital S self-and when you're
27:13
in your capital S self way of being, all those C's I just
27:17
said, right? Like there's eight of them, but like compassion,
27:20
clarity, confidence, courage-you know, creativity, connection,
27:26
curiosity. When you're in that state, that calm, then your
27:31
tools are so much more available to you. But first of all, we got
27:35
to take a look around and say: Do I even have any tools? Do I
27:37
keep using the old tools? Is it time to update my tools? Throw
27:40
out the old ones, get some new ones, whatever, and then also
27:45
again, you know, it's like if you only have a hammer, that's
27:48
all you're going to ever use, and the person standing in front
27:51
of you might really need something different. So we have
27:54
to get curious enough also to pay attention, to lean in, to
27:58
listen, and then to respond appropriately, and we want to be
28:02
able to do that to ourselves too, especially when those
28:06
younger parts of ourselves, right, are needing some of our
28:09
attention. So I hope this has been helpful in some way. That
28:13
is always my desire: is that I leave you guys better than how I
28:16
found you, and that I share something that either, at the
28:19
very least, I say the very least. At least you're
28:22
entertained.
28:22
At least you don't get to the end of it feeling like you're
28:25
wasting your time and you had a good time while you were here.
28:28
So, thank you so much for tuning in and listening. As always, if
28:33
you want to get on my email newsletter list, I don't over
28:37
whatever. I you know on Thursdays you'll get the podcast
28:40
right into your inbox, and once in a while, on the other days, I
28:43
just let you know what's going on. Whether there's a new Write
28:46
Club coming up, or if I have openings for Thai yoga body
28:49
work. If you know my yoga class is almost always sold out, but
28:52
sometimes there's a space for somebody to do a drop in once in
28:55
a blue moon. But whatever I'm up to, right, joining the Nest, any
28:59
of those things, just go to my website. If you want to get on
29:02
the on the the email list, though, it's karenkeney.com/sign
29:07
up. Everything else, just go to karenkenney.com. You'll see it
29:10
all up in the header. You can navigate to where you want to
29:12
go. So thank you for being here, you guys. I hope you find
29:16
yourself being more like a Swiss Army knife or a Leatherman that
29:21
you are expanding your toolkit every day, also, and I just
29:25
appreciate you being here as one of my. Maybe you're a loyal
29:28
listener, or maybe you're new. And if you're new here, hi, and
29:32
thank you for joining. I appreciate it. Okay, you guys,
29:35
wherever you go, may you leave the animals, the other people,
29:39
yourself, the planet, and the environment better than how you
29:43
first found it. Wherever you go, may you and your energy and your
29:47
attitude and your presence and your love and your curiosity and
29:52
your Swiss Army knife be a blessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so
29:57
much for listening to the show. I really love. Spending some
30:00
time together now. If you dig the show or know someone that
30:03
could benefit from this episode, please share it with them and
30:07
help me to spread the good word and the love. And if you want to
30:11
be in the know about all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on
30:15
over to karenkenney.com/signup and join my list. It'll be
30:21
wicked fun to stay in touch. Bye.