Latest / Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines / EP 15: You Can Be a Good Person... and Still Be a Bad Partner

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EP 15: You Can Be a Good Person... and Still Be a Bad Partner · Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines

0:06
Speaker 1: Welcome to Learn the Hard Way. My name is Kie. Yes.
0:09
Speaker 1: We talk about purpose, we talk about pressure, and we
0:12
Speaker 1: talk about what it actually takes become a full comprehensive man.
0:17
Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of Learning the Hard Way.
0:21
Speaker 1: I am your host and your favorite therapist cure games.
0:24
Speaker 1: I'm a husband, I'm a father, I'm a content creator.
0:28
Speaker 1: I'm a professional speaker. I'm a lover of all things
0:32
Speaker 1: fall and autumn because summertime it is spanking us over
0:36
Speaker 1: here on the East Coast. My god, so hot. But
0:39
Speaker 1: most of all, I am a person who has been
0:43
Speaker 1: married for almost seven years. Now. For seven years, I've
0:47
Speaker 1: been in a long term, committed relationship. I ain't got
0:51
Speaker 1: no side joints. I ain't got nobody around the corner.
0:54
Speaker 1: We got the type that kind of relationship where my
0:55
Speaker 1: phone is face up on the table. As a matter
0:58
Speaker 1: of fact, my one day I was taking a nap,
1:01
Speaker 1: fell asleep on the floor with it, just had a
1:03
Speaker 1: new baby, just had my second daughter, and I wake up.
1:07
Speaker 1: My wife has my phone in her hands. She just
1:10
Speaker 1: like going at it, like yo, what? And then I
1:13
Speaker 1: was like, wait, well, am I panicking? There's absolutely nothing
1:18
Speaker 1: in there? But what she was doing was scrolling through
1:20
Speaker 1: my phone trying to find pictures of herself and the kids.
1:25
Speaker 1: And that leads me to a question just about relationships
1:28
Speaker 1: in total, because our relationship wasn't always in the place
1:31
Speaker 1: where she could do that, or it wasn't always in
1:33
Speaker 1: a place where I was comfortable with her doing that.
1:36
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean there was anything on the phone necessarily, just
1:38
Speaker 1: means I wasn't comfortable with her going through my private
1:41
Speaker 1: things like that. And I've talked about that before with
1:45
Speaker 1: a group of friends, and it's kind of like a
1:47
Speaker 1: split decision. Some people say, Hey, that's not really that
1:51
Speaker 1: big of a deal, that's a personal comfort thing, and
1:54
Speaker 1: the other half said no, because if you have something
1:57
Speaker 1: to hide, that's why you're worried, and that makes you
1:59
Speaker 1: a bad partner. I don't agree with that necessarily, but
2:03
Speaker 1: it is an interesting conversation and at least to a
2:06
Speaker 1: bigger conversation about what makes a person a good or
2:09
Speaker 1: a bad partner. You hear it all the time. Yeah,
2:12
Speaker 1: folks say, man, I was good at this person. I
2:14
Speaker 1: was good. I was a good boyfriend, I was a
2:17
Speaker 1: good girlfriend. Were you Now That's not to make you
2:21
Speaker 1: doubt yourself. It's just the wind in the aperture a
2:24
Speaker 1: little bit, because I've been in therapy with parents who
2:28
Speaker 1: said I was a good parent. I was a good parent.
2:31
Speaker 1: But the mark of how good you are as a
2:34
Speaker 1: parent will be evaluated by your children, not necessarily by you,
2:38
Speaker 1: because you're their parent. You're not your parent, you're their parent.
2:43
Speaker 1: You can say how much of an effort you put forth,
2:46
Speaker 1: but I don't know if you can always say how
2:47
Speaker 1: good you were, you say how good you tried to be.
2:50
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. With relationships, I wonder is
2:54
Speaker 1: it the same. Can you say you're a good partner
2:57
Speaker 1: or is that something for your partner to evaluate. I
3:00
Speaker 1: don't know. So today we're gonna talk about partnership. We're
3:03
Speaker 1: gonna talk about what makes a good partner, what makes
3:05
Speaker 1: a bad partner. Partnership accompasses everything, for someone being your
3:09
Speaker 1: little booth thing to someone being your husband or wife
3:13
Speaker 1: for the past seven years, married for seven years. It's crazy.
3:16
Speaker 1: I would have never thought that could happen. So let's
3:19
Speaker 1: dive into that conversation. But before we do, I want
3:21
Speaker 1: to shout y'all out. Man, y'all have been making Learn
3:24
Speaker 1: the Hard Way a very popular podcast on these charts.
3:28
Speaker 1: Let's clap it out for y'all for making learning a
3:30
Speaker 1: hard way. Come on, man, y'all been doing. I appreciate y'all. Man,
3:35
Speaker 1: y'all be is showing crazy, big, dumb, stupid love, and
3:37
Speaker 1: I want to show y'all crazy dumb, big stupid love back.
3:40
Speaker 1: Some'mona read off some comments y'all have left me. I
3:44
Speaker 1: got a comment here from Victoria two to seven, who
3:47
Speaker 1: left us five stars. Go ahead, Victoria, I see you, shady,
3:50
Speaker 1: Victoria says, whole some high level conversations. Victoria says, I
3:54
Speaker 1: enjoy listening to here speak. I especially appreciate his conversations
3:58
Speaker 1: with his beautiful wife, knowing I promise I dent tee
4:01
Speaker 1: that up on purpose. These just random comments that I
4:04
Speaker 1: picked up just so hot. The universe wants us to
4:06
Speaker 1: talk about love and partnership today. Thank you, Victorian. Moving on,
4:11
Speaker 1: there's another one from Crystal Clear ninety nine. What they
4:14
Speaker 1: Do Crystal Clear ninety nine Crystal clip says, man a
4:18
Speaker 1: man of select words in grace sense. Oh hold on
4:21
Speaker 1: all right, we need some comments. Hold on us back
4:22
Speaker 1: this up. Man of select words in grace sense, be
4:28
Speaker 1: the provider during this journey I wanted to just pause
4:31
Speaker 1: and say thank you for your insight and invited guy
4:34
Speaker 1: that's navigating this thing called life. Oh Crystal, you a
4:36
Speaker 1: poet and an author. Thank you, appreciate you. Glad to
4:40
Speaker 1: be that for y'all. Let's let's read one more and
4:42
Speaker 1: we read one more? Are these all from women? Man?
4:46
Speaker 1: Shout out to the women following ship for learn the hardway.
4:49
Speaker 1: Y'all be stopping me in the street. I see y'all
4:51
Speaker 1: out there. Finally we got one from Sabrina Gania qo
4:55
Speaker 1: j and Sabrina says Kiir it's me Hello, repeat it
5:00
Speaker 1: the oh lol, I heard you at the breakfast club
5:05
Speaker 1: the other day, so proud that you didn't know about
5:08
Speaker 1: the new Channe or waiting for the book. Thanks for sharing.
5:11
Speaker 1: I really appreciate you, Black King. Repeat offenders are what
5:15
Speaker 1: we call followers for me and my wife's podcast to
5:18
Speaker 1: sit down talk. So that's a little slide joke. Shout
5:21
Speaker 1: out to the repeat offenders out there who've been following
5:24
Speaker 1: this pod too. And if you have been following the
5:27
Speaker 1: pod but you not like these other great people who
5:29
Speaker 1: have been leaving us comments, don't worry. It's still time
5:32
Speaker 1: leave us a review, leave us a comment, say something
5:35
Speaker 1: about the pard, say something that you took away. Let
5:37
Speaker 1: us know you out there. We're talking into the void
5:39
Speaker 1: right now. We need something back to know y'all real,
5:42
Speaker 1: know y'all exists. And also letsons know y'all appreciate the
5:45
Speaker 1: pod and gives us what we need to keep going.
5:47
Speaker 1: So thank you for that. All right, back to the
5:51
Speaker 1: subject of hand. Let's get into these relationships real quick. Now.
5:56
Speaker 1: You being a good person does not, inny and of
5:59
Speaker 1: itself make you a good partner. And that can seem
6:02
Speaker 1: counterintuitive to people, and I can understand why. I can
6:06
Speaker 1: understand why, but it's a different thing. And let me explain.
6:10
Speaker 1: A good person is someone who's caring, considerate, trustworthy, and safe.
6:17
Speaker 1: That's those are the characteristics we typically think about when
6:20
Speaker 1: we're talking about who's a good person. No, it's all
6:24
Speaker 1: great qualities. But you could be a partner who embodies
6:29
Speaker 1: all of those qualities, but you're still not a good partner.
6:34
Speaker 1: You could be trustworthy, you could be safe, you could
6:36
Speaker 1: be communicative, you could be empathetic, you could be understanding
6:41
Speaker 1: all those things, and you can still not be a
6:43
Speaker 1: good partner for the person you're with. And that's because
6:46
Speaker 1: being a good person doesn't require a lot of touch points.
6:49
Speaker 1: There's not a lot of intimacy in a person to
6:53
Speaker 1: person relationship that's casual, like the dude you see at
6:57
Speaker 1: the gym, a what's up, bro, how you doing? Or
7:01
Speaker 1: you know, even like a coworker who's not a close
7:03
Speaker 1: co worker, you, Oh, yeah, he's a good coworker. He's
7:05
Speaker 1: a good guy. Why because he embodies all of these characteristics.
7:10
Speaker 1: But if you have a person who you wake up
7:13
Speaker 1: to all the time, or who you talk to multiple
7:16
Speaker 1: times a day, you're always interacting with, and most importantly,
7:22
Speaker 1: you have a big expectation of it changes the formula.
7:28
Speaker 1: Relationships usually change when responsibilities and expectations starts taking the
7:35
Speaker 1: place of spontaneity in like the novelty of the togetherness.
7:40
Speaker 1: You know when you first together and oh, I wonder
7:43
Speaker 1: if they're gonna call I wonder if they like me.
7:46
Speaker 1: Oh everything is new, I'm hearing it for the first time,
7:48
Speaker 1: like you riding this this high of newness. After a while,
7:52
Speaker 1: it comes down and at some point y'all going to
7:55
Speaker 1: have a what are we conversation? And to what all we? Conversation?
7:58
Speaker 1: Is really the turning point from where your relation go.
8:02
Speaker 1: Relationship goes from like this care free, whimsical thing to
8:06
Speaker 1: something that you all are trying to build. Hopefully y'all
8:08
Speaker 1: are on the same page. But there's a seriousness that happens,
8:13
Speaker 1: and that seriousness comes with expectations and responsibilities. And that's
8:21
Speaker 1: that's the difference between saying, Oh, you, you're a good
8:23
Speaker 1: guy over there, and hey, you're a good boyfriend. That's
8:26
Speaker 1: a different saying you know, she's a good homie, she's
8:29
Speaker 1: a good coworker, she's a good she's a good person
8:32
Speaker 1: to know, and she's a good girlfriend. Because it goes
8:35
Speaker 1: from the the person perspective of what you are to
8:40
Speaker 1: the partner perspective what you are for me, what you
8:44
Speaker 1: are in this space, how you act in our togetherness?
8:50
Speaker 1: Am I making sense? Are you seeing the difference there?
8:54
Speaker 1: And that causes a lot of frustration with folks. Now,
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Speaker 1: partnership is a different type of friendship because there's a
9:01
Speaker 1: few qualities that it has to demonstrate in order to
9:04
Speaker 1: be healthy. It has to demonstrate consistency, adaptability, this is
9:10
Speaker 1: a big one, mutual growth and exploration. So it's a
9:14
Speaker 1: mix of the things that you're curious about with the
9:18
Speaker 1: bandwidth to actually do something about it. A relationship that's stagnant,
9:25
Speaker 1: it's not just not growing at some point, it's kind
9:29
Speaker 1: of regressing in a way, because the point of the
9:33
Speaker 1: togetherness is to take these little steps forward, bit by bit.
9:37
Speaker 1: And if your relationship isn't taking steps forward as time
9:40
Speaker 1: is moving on, well the time surpasses you, you're not in
9:43
Speaker 1: the same spot. You end up starting to feel like
9:45
Speaker 1: you're behind. Now, all of these characteristics are They sound good,
9:52
Speaker 1: and they sound like things you can aspire to, but
9:54
Speaker 1: it's not all of our reality. Some of us are
9:56
Speaker 1: just not there yet. We're just not in a place.
10:00
Speaker 1: And oh, I'm a gonna sound real therapist, I hate
10:02
Speaker 1: this term, but we're not in this place in our
10:04
Speaker 1: growth journeys. We gotta find a different world. I don't
10:07
Speaker 1: like that one. But we're not in this place in
10:10
Speaker 1: our growth journeys where we can give that to anybody,
10:12
Speaker 1: or where we've mastered or cultivated those skills. And then
10:15
Speaker 1: sometimes we're not in a relationship with somebody who's had
10:19
Speaker 1: enough time to demonstrate any of that. They're not that
10:23
Speaker 1: person yet, they are not in their final form. Doesn't
10:27
Speaker 1: stop us from loving them, doesn't stop us from wanting
10:30
Speaker 1: to pursue something with them. But that's just not who
10:33
Speaker 1: they are right now, or that's just not who we are.
10:37
Speaker 1: So in this episode, I don't want to focus on
10:41
Speaker 1: the person being good or bad. These are just qualities.
10:45
Speaker 1: It's not a statement of who anybody is. But we
10:48
Speaker 1: somehow because we love relationships, and I think we are
10:52
Speaker 1: biologically and physiologically wired for companionship in that way to
10:57
Speaker 1: some extent, God damn, y'all, I feel like we blow
11:02
Speaker 1: past the part where we're honest, where we're honest about
11:06
Speaker 1: how difficult relationships are. And then sometimes it's not because
11:10
Speaker 1: one person is terrible or the other person is horrible.
11:13
Speaker 1: It's because the relationship is very complicated and you all
11:16
Speaker 1: are too nuanced for those puzzle pieces to fit together
11:19
Speaker 1: the way you would like. And it caused friction, and
11:21
Speaker 1: it caused us tension, and it caused us a rupture
11:24
Speaker 1: at some point. It also caused us tension. And there
11:29
Speaker 1: is this tension that exists between, like I said, being
11:32
Speaker 1: a good person and a good part that because we
11:34
Speaker 1: all know somebody who they seem like a good person.
11:40
Speaker 1: You know on the surface, when you go to the
11:42
Speaker 1: cook out, You talk to them. They got good conversation,
11:44
Speaker 1: it got good energy. They're a delight to be around.
11:48
Speaker 1: You don't have anything overtly negative to say about them. Man,
11:52
Speaker 1: they cool kids cool. I like him. Uh huh. There
11:58
Speaker 1: is another part of that. It's another part of that
12:03
Speaker 1: beyond what you see on the surface. Here can be
12:07
Speaker 1: as good and it's genuine and it's hard working of
12:10
Speaker 1: a person that you ever met. But that doesn't mean
12:12
Speaker 1: that he is not hurt people. Doesn't mean that he
12:15
Speaker 1: has not hurt people in romantic relationships. And of course
12:19
Speaker 1: I think we got to say that's not in a
12:20
Speaker 1: physical way. We're not talking about abuse. We're talking about
12:24
Speaker 1: hurt feelings. We're talking about not being mature enough to
12:27
Speaker 1: meet the moment as it's requested. We're talking about leaving
12:32
Speaker 1: a lot of conversations on the table. We're talking about
12:36
Speaker 1: ignoring things that are clearly red flags, talking about running
12:40
Speaker 1: red lights in your relationship. I can be that person
12:45
Speaker 1: behind the scenes and still present and still be a good,
12:49
Speaker 1: hard work and trustworthy person. They're two completely different things. Now.
12:54
Speaker 1: On social media, I think we do a really good
12:56
Speaker 1: job of framing people that hurt people as being singular malicious,
13:02
Speaker 1: and that is true. Sometimes people hurt people because they're malicious.
13:05
Speaker 1: They want to hurt people. They want to make you
13:07
Speaker 1: feel as bad as they feel, or they want you
13:09
Speaker 1: to feel low because they're more comfortable when you're in
13:12
Speaker 1: that space. They feel like they have more control over
13:14
Speaker 1: you or over the situation. But sometimes it's not maliciousness.
13:18
Speaker 1: And this is a hard message to get across because
13:20
Speaker 1: it makes it seem like you're letting people who don't
13:24
Speaker 1: do the right thing off the hook. But just bear
13:26
Speaker 1: with me for a second. Sometimes it's ignorance. Sometimes it's
13:30
Speaker 1: a lack of knowing. Sometimes it's a lack of understanding.
13:33
Speaker 1: But just because you don't fully just because you're not
13:36
Speaker 1: fully aware of what your actions are doing to the
13:39
Speaker 1: people around you, doesn't make them any less malicious and
13:42
Speaker 1: it doesn't make them hurt any less. You hear people
13:46
Speaker 1: say things, Oh, you need to meet my friend Mark,
13:48
Speaker 1: you need to meet my friend Michelle. Oh man, y'all
13:51
Speaker 1: are be a great fit together. They are evaluating that
13:54
Speaker 1: person from their vantage point, from their relationship with that person.
13:59
Speaker 1: The homie, you come over, we take shots, we go
14:02
Speaker 1: to the club, we do car we do cars. We
14:04
Speaker 1: do road trips in the car, we like the same things.
14:08
Speaker 1: These are all great friend characteristics. But then you meet
14:12
Speaker 1: Mark and Michelle, and that person is a disaster to
14:15
Speaker 1: be in a relationship. Not necessarily a bad person, just
14:18
Speaker 1: a bad person for you. And that's because what makes
14:22
Speaker 1: a good partner for me. Oh no, scratch that, that's
14:27
Speaker 1: because what makes a good friend for me can make
14:30
Speaker 1: a terrible partner for someone else. Those credits don't transfer.
14:37
Speaker 1: It's not an automatic thing. So today I want you
14:40
Speaker 1: to let's walk away from shame and guilt a little bit.
14:44
Speaker 1: Let's walk away from blaming. I know our minds have
14:47
Speaker 1: all been kind of affected or dented a little bit
14:50
Speaker 1: because of these ridiculous gender wars on the internet. But
14:53
Speaker 1: that's not what this is. Let's do a methodical, an intelligent,
15:00
Speaker 1: and a detailed breakdown of relationships as we see in
15:04
Speaker 1: and let's figure this thing out together. Yeah, all right,
15:07
Speaker 1: let's do it. Let's grow. So what does it mean
15:11
Speaker 1: to be in a good relationship? I tell you what
15:15
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean. To be in a good relationship doesn't
15:18
Speaker 1: always mean that you're in a successful relationship. Kid, What
15:24
Speaker 1: do you mean how something won't be good if it's
15:26
Speaker 1: not successful will define success. Some people walk into romantic
15:31
Speaker 1: relationships believing because they like this person, success means being
15:35
Speaker 1: married to this person, because that is like the final
15:38
Speaker 1: stage of relationship successes. We know it. But that's not
15:43
Speaker 1: always true. Not every relationship is designed to meet that goal.
15:49
Speaker 1: Some relationships are successful and they were only two years
15:52
Speaker 1: old because the goal of that relationship wasn't really marriage.
15:56
Speaker 1: It was for you all to spend time together, learn
15:59
Speaker 1: from one of another, and get your needs met in
16:02
Speaker 1: that time period. Maybe the needs that you had that
16:04
Speaker 1: you all met so beautifully you both grew out of them,
16:08
Speaker 1: Or maybe one person grew out of having that need
16:11
Speaker 1: met and they require something else that the other partner
16:14
Speaker 1: wasn't designed to give. They weren't in that place in
16:16
Speaker 1: their life, or maybe their mind just doesn't work that way.
16:20
Speaker 1: I want you to just take a moment and think
16:22
Speaker 1: about what what do you deem a successful relationship. All
16:27
Speaker 1: relationships are not meant to go the distance. They're just not.
16:31
Speaker 1: But just because it didn't go to where you expected
16:34
Speaker 1: it to, perhaps where you wanted it to, or maybe
16:37
Speaker 1: where society tells you it should have gone, that doesn't
16:40
Speaker 1: mean it was a failure. It doesn't mean that relationship
16:43
Speaker 1: was a failure. It just means that it ran its course.
16:46
Speaker 1: Something I'll even venture to say, sometimes a successful relationship
16:51
Speaker 1: is the one that ends before y'all move in together,
16:54
Speaker 1: because y'all moving in together would have been a disaster.
16:57
Speaker 1: And no matter how much you love somebody, you can't
17:00
Speaker 1: outrun the foundational issues in your relationship. People come into
17:05
Speaker 1: therapy sometimes and they had these structural issues in their relationship.
17:09
Speaker 1: The person who is a border in neatness is safety
17:15
Speaker 1: kind of person. They fall in love with an organized
17:19
Speaker 1: chaos as my jam kind of person, and they love
17:22
Speaker 1: each other very much, but they think that that love
17:24
Speaker 1: is enough to make those two pieces meet, or they
17:28
Speaker 1: expect the other person to be different, have a different orientation.
17:32
Speaker 1: Once the long term partnership of it all kicks in
17:35
Speaker 1: and it doesn't happen, they expect that person to be
17:38
Speaker 1: someone that they were never designed to be and that
17:40
Speaker 1: they were never going to be for anyone, and their
17:43
Speaker 1: resentment kicks in and time has gone by, and it's
17:47
Speaker 1: more than just disappointment. It's anger, it's it's grief, it's bitterness,
17:54
Speaker 1: all these things wrapped up in the one but You
17:57
Speaker 1: can avoid all that if you realize, hey, this relationship
18:00
Speaker 1: isn't work and perhaps we shouldn't move in together. The
18:03
Speaker 1: scary part is when people just hit the pedal speed
18:07
Speaker 1: past that and say, hey, we're gonna make this thing
18:08
Speaker 1: work regardless. I do not recommend that it doesn't in
18:13
Speaker 1: the will. It doesn't in will more often than not.
18:23
Speaker 1: So what are the qualities of a good partner and
18:27
Speaker 1: a good relationship. I've identified some and here's how I
18:31
Speaker 1: see it. When you show up consistently. And showing up
18:34
Speaker 1: consistently doesn't mean showing up perfectly. It means doing the
18:39
Speaker 1: thing that you said you were going to do. And
18:41
Speaker 1: if you can't do the thing you said you were
18:43
Speaker 1: going to do, letting the other person know. And this
18:46
Speaker 1: is really a communication. It's a maturation communication thing. It's
18:49
Speaker 1: something that you have to practice, something you have to
18:51
Speaker 1: be aware that you need to do. But I learned
18:55
Speaker 1: from my wife early on. She said, Hey, if you
18:57
Speaker 1: can't show up, just call me and let me know
19:00
Speaker 1: that you can't show up. I don't want to have
19:01
Speaker 1: the expectation waiting on you. It's okay, but it's good
19:05
Speaker 1: to know that because that's not everybody's definition of consistency.
19:08
Speaker 1: So it's good to talk to your partner and know
19:11
Speaker 1: what they mean when they say they want consistency. But
19:13
Speaker 1: that's a great first quality that I think of. Show
19:17
Speaker 1: up consistently every single time. Just be consistent. That's where
19:20
Speaker 1: emotional safety comes from. Another one is the exchange. When
19:25
Speaker 1: you can give and receive affection, you can give and
19:29
Speaker 1: receive feedback, you can give and receive accountability. Now just
19:33
Speaker 1: tell somebody what they're doing wrong, but you can give,
19:36
Speaker 1: and the two way street is necessary. One of the
19:41
Speaker 1: more high level characteristics I've noticed is when you can
19:45
Speaker 1: be really interested in your partner flourishing outside of you
19:50
Speaker 1: just them flourishing. It's something that you not only want,
19:55
Speaker 1: but it's something that gives you a positive feeling when
19:58
Speaker 1: they when they do good, it makes you feel good.
20:00
Speaker 1: When they accomplish a goal, when they fulfill a dream,
20:03
Speaker 1: when they do what they said they were going to do,
20:05
Speaker 1: when they's starting to grow, when they're starting to realize
20:07
Speaker 1: things about themselves, when they get better opportunities, when they're
20:10
Speaker 1: making more money, when they're moving on career wise. They're flourishing,
20:15
Speaker 1: and you genuinely not putting on a face, not performing it,
20:18
Speaker 1: but you're genuinely excited for them, or you're genuinely happy
20:22
Speaker 1: for them, because not everybody's excited. It's the happiness, is
20:26
Speaker 1: the internal feeling and exciting this it's just like an
20:28
Speaker 1: external representation. You ain't gotta be jumping on furniture like
20:32
Speaker 1: Tom Crue's in an Oprah interview. But to be happy
20:35
Speaker 1: for them, that's such a great characteristic to grow into.
20:38
Speaker 1: And it's great because it's about them as a human
20:42
Speaker 1: being outside of you, and it's not just about your
20:44
Speaker 1: own comfort. One of my favorite characteristics I see in
20:49
Speaker 1: couples that come in for counseling when they are and
20:52
Speaker 1: when they're being good partners, is that they are fighting
20:57
Speaker 1: for the goal of resolution. When they are going back
21:00
Speaker 1: and forth, when they're having a disagreement, when there's an
21:03
Speaker 1: issue between them, there's not a lot of attacking of
21:06
Speaker 1: each other. They're not attacking each other, They're attacking the issue.
21:10
Speaker 1: And on a more advanced scale, they're not all the
21:14
Speaker 1: way angry at each other. They realize that they're angry
21:17
Speaker 1: at the issue and the person is a conduit to
21:20
Speaker 1: the issue. I'm not it's not you, but you're not helping,
21:28
Speaker 1: But it's the problem. The problem is my problem. The
21:31
Speaker 1: person is not my problem. The problem is my problem.
21:35
Speaker 1: That's always That's always something I see in therapy that
21:39
Speaker 1: gives me real hope that a couple has the chances
21:42
Speaker 1: to overcome whatever they're going through in the moment, Like
21:45
Speaker 1: it gives them a really good shot. And if I
21:48
Speaker 1: had to say one more, I think a good characteristic
21:51
Speaker 1: is when you can how do I say this, You
21:54
Speaker 1: can hold your own emotional weight without collapsing into shame.
21:59
Speaker 1: And you know people who like when they get caught
22:03
Speaker 1: out for something or when they feel bad about something,
22:06
Speaker 1: they kind of just turn into a pool of self deprecation.
22:10
Speaker 1: Oh you know, I'm so stupid. I can never get
22:14
Speaker 1: it right. Like it's there are two problems with that.
22:19
Speaker 1: The biggest problem is that it takes the focus away
22:23
Speaker 1: from the issue and it puts it back on the
22:26
Speaker 1: person because now they need to be comforted and they
22:28
Speaker 1: need to be consoled when they feel bad about something
22:31
Speaker 1: that they did. And it's really it really inhibits growth
22:36
Speaker 1: because people stop trying to reason and talk to people
22:39
Speaker 1: when they feel like you're going to feel so bad
22:42
Speaker 1: about your part of it that you're never going to
22:44
Speaker 1: actually get back to the real issue. And it happens
22:46
Speaker 1: a lot with couples. But when you can, when you
22:50
Speaker 1: can really take all the emotional weight you carry and
22:53
Speaker 1: it's on your shoulders and it's heavy. It's heavy, man,
22:57
Speaker 1: it's heavy. But you don't take that as an opportunity
23:02
Speaker 1: to redirect the conversation back to you. You can still
23:06
Speaker 1: make this a partnership where there's an equal exchange of
23:10
Speaker 1: thoughts and ideas and emotions and all that. It's not
23:12
Speaker 1: just centered around you. The cloud is not just raining
23:15
Speaker 1: over your head. Everybody's struggles and everybody's issues have a
23:20
Speaker 1: chance to be seen. Man. That's always promising. But on
23:24
Speaker 1: the other side of these good characteristics are characteristics that
23:28
Speaker 1: are not as healthy, and they are not indicative of
23:31
Speaker 1: a relationship that I think makes someone a good partner.
23:36
Speaker 1: So let's talk about those real quick too. One is
23:40
Speaker 1: chronic selfishness, and I kind of just talked about that,
23:43
Speaker 1: when you become the emotional vacuum, and no one else
23:48
Speaker 1: in a relationship can feel, or no one else in
23:52
Speaker 1: a relationship could be as tired as you are. If
23:55
Speaker 1: you have a partner says, oh, I'm tired, if your
23:57
Speaker 1: response is tired. You don't know what I've been tired.
24:01
Speaker 1: I've done this, I've done this, I've done this. Must
24:03
Speaker 1: be nice to sit down on the couch all day.
24:05
Speaker 1: Must be nice to sit and look at your phone
24:07
Speaker 1: and watch Netflix all day. And to be fair, I've
24:10
Speaker 1: seen men do this to women, and I've seen women
24:12
Speaker 1: do this the men in equal value. It happens all
24:15
Speaker 1: the time. There's a stay at home mom sometimes, oh,
24:19
Speaker 1: all she does is watch Netflix all day? How hard
24:21
Speaker 1: can it be to take care of a kid? What? Like,
24:25
Speaker 1: you bro what you're trapping? Or on the other side,
24:31
Speaker 1: it could be a woman who's in a relationship with
24:32
Speaker 1: a man and let's say she just had a baby
24:34
Speaker 1: and he's taking a nap on the couch. She's like,
24:38
Speaker 1: must be nice to take a nap on the couch.
24:40
Speaker 1: You're so lazy, you could You could never do what
24:43
Speaker 1: I do. And it's like, I can understand why that
24:46
Speaker 1: would frustrate you, But you know that person deserves to
24:50
Speaker 1: be tired too. It's not a struggle Olympics in your relationship.
24:54
Speaker 1: And when it becomes one, nobody wins the gold medal.
24:56
Speaker 1: All right, that's the Olympics where everybody is a loser.
24:59
Speaker 1: Nobody wins that. But chronic selfishness is probably one of
25:04
Speaker 1: the top two issues I think that lead to ruptures
25:07
Speaker 1: of relationships all the time. But there are other characteristics
25:11
Speaker 1: that I found. An inability to take accountability. That's a
25:17
Speaker 1: big one for me. That's a number one. Your inability
25:20
Speaker 1: to say, hey, you know what, I messed up? My
25:22
Speaker 1: bad This on was on me. I messed that up.
25:25
Speaker 1: I didn't mean to, but it happened. You're taking responsibility
25:29
Speaker 1: for what happened. And inability to take responsibility, inability to
25:33
Speaker 1: take responsibility, inability to take responsibility, yeah, I said that right,
25:38
Speaker 1: and inability to do that it destroys It erodes trust
25:43
Speaker 1: in your relationship because now when the problem comes up,
25:45
Speaker 1: I can't trust you to be an adult about it.
25:48
Speaker 1: I got to either keep it in or keep it moving,
25:51
Speaker 1: or prepare for the fight when I bring it to
25:53
Speaker 1: your doorstep. And it doesn't have to be a fight,
25:55
Speaker 1: but if you can't take accountability, it's going to feel
25:57
Speaker 1: like an attack to you. And when everything feels like
26:00
Speaker 1: an attack, it stops becoming a relationship. It's now a war.
26:03
Speaker 1: It's a fight all the time, and I constantly have
26:05
Speaker 1: to prepare myself, and it's just not enough room for
26:07
Speaker 1: love and those really important connections when you're at war.
26:13
Speaker 1: It's nah, you can't. That's not a machine that can
26:22
Speaker 1: sustain time. Like things are going to start breaking down
26:26
Speaker 1: very fast, and they're going to become harder and harder
26:28
Speaker 1: to repair, the more expensive too. Inconsiderate behavior is another
26:34
Speaker 1: big characteristic that can make someone not a good partner,
26:38
Speaker 1: and it's just sometimes it can be as malicious as
26:43
Speaker 1: just completely disregarding what this person may need, not checking
26:46
Speaker 1: in on them, not really caring. But sometimes it's just
26:49
Speaker 1: being aloof not understanding, not having the mental wherewithal to say,
26:57
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I didn't check in on my partner
26:59
Speaker 1: real quick, or I didn't think to ask you this
27:03
Speaker 1: when plans changed, I didn't think to check in with you.
27:05
Speaker 1: It's sometimes as innocent as that. It's not anything that
27:10
Speaker 1: I do on purpose against you. It just so happens
27:12
Speaker 1: to just so happens to occur. But when these things
27:15
Speaker 1: happen back to back to back to back to back
27:16
Speaker 1: to back to back to back to back, and your
27:18
Speaker 1: partner's been telling you, hey, you're doing this, Hey you're
27:20
Speaker 1: doing this, Hey you're doing this, they're bandwidth for not
27:25
Speaker 1: being upset with you or not taking it personally and
27:28
Speaker 1: eternalizing it. It's going to start to get thin. You
27:31
Speaker 1: can only have that happen so many times before you
27:34
Speaker 1: believe that. Okay, if I told you not to do
27:37
Speaker 1: this thirty times and you're still doing this, maybe you
27:40
Speaker 1: just don't care, or maybe you want to hurt me,
27:42
Speaker 1: which is not always true. That's an oversimplification, but it's
27:46
Speaker 1: reasonable for a person to think that, so something to
27:49
Speaker 1: be aware of. And finally, I would say it's a
27:53
Speaker 1: mix of not fighting fair and being defensive because they
27:59
Speaker 1: kind of fit in a similar character category with me
28:03
Speaker 1: being defensive. We all know what that means. And when
28:07
Speaker 1: there's feedback, when someone is giving you feedback, you again
28:11
Speaker 1: you take it as an attack automatically. Automatically, your automatic
28:17
Speaker 1: instinct is to defend yourself. And sometimes it's not a
28:20
Speaker 1: space where you need to defend yourself necessarily. It's a
28:22
Speaker 1: space where I just I just need you to listen.
28:24
Speaker 1: I need you to hear me, and I need you
28:26
Speaker 1: to let me know that you heard what I said.
28:29
Speaker 1: One of my lines, hey give me tell me what
28:31
Speaker 1: I just said. Give it back to me. I want
28:32
Speaker 1: to make sure you picked it up the way I
28:34
Speaker 1: put it down. The defensiveness and then on the other
28:38
Speaker 1: side of that is not fighting fair. So if there's
28:41
Speaker 1: a disagreement, you reach back in the man, you reach
28:44
Speaker 1: all the way back in the bag, and you bring
28:46
Speaker 1: up something you know it's hurtful. You bring up something
28:48
Speaker 1: that we believe is already resolved, or you bring up
28:53
Speaker 1: something that's really, really, really sensitive and you know it's sensitive,
28:58
Speaker 1: and you use it as a tool to gain leveraging
29:02
Speaker 1: this leveraging either this argument and this relationship, this disagreement whatever,
29:07
Speaker 1: that's not fighting fear. Sometimes people resort the name calling
29:11
Speaker 1: or you know, they know you got a bad relationship
29:14
Speaker 1: with your mama, so they start seeing this while your
29:15
Speaker 1: mama never loved you. Whoa. See this is the issue
29:20
Speaker 1: that everybody has with you and you can't see it. WHOA.
29:23
Speaker 1: So now I'm questioning, what do you mean it's an
29:25
Speaker 1: issue people had with me. Nobody brought this to me.
29:27
Speaker 1: Who else are you talking to? And now we're off
29:30
Speaker 1: to the racist because this disagreement ain't whatever it was
29:33
Speaker 1: originally about. It ain't about that anymore. These are characteristics
29:39
Speaker 1: that people have that make it very hard to be
29:43
Speaker 1: in a healthy relationship with them. And I want you
29:47
Speaker 1: to take a second half step away from shame, half
29:50
Speaker 1: step away from blame, your step away from guilt. And
29:55
Speaker 1: I want you to think if I want you to
29:58
Speaker 1: think of one quality that you have that's of what
30:03
Speaker 1: we would consider a good partner, in one quality you
30:06
Speaker 1: have that we would consider not the best partner. And look,
30:09
Speaker 1: all of these things are on a scale. It's not
30:12
Speaker 1: just it's not a one size fits all type blaky.
30:14
Speaker 1: All of these are on the scale. So it's not
30:16
Speaker 1: just whether you do it or not, it's how much
30:19
Speaker 1: of it you do, When do you notice that you
30:22
Speaker 1: do it, how much of it is, how much of
30:25
Speaker 1: a priority is it for you to fix these things?
30:28
Speaker 1: Because being aware is amazing. Man, you can't do nothing
30:31
Speaker 1: if you ain't aware. But awareness is not the end goal.
30:35
Speaker 1: Awareness is just the first step. Imagine it being a
30:38
Speaker 1: race and as soon as they say on your mark
30:40
Speaker 1: gets said, you just get off the blocks and you
30:42
Speaker 1: walk off. You don't race like that's awareness. Awareness just
30:46
Speaker 1: chokes you off the blocks, right, You still got to
30:48
Speaker 1: run down the track and cross the finish line. And
30:50
Speaker 1: that takes other tools, other skills, but it starts with awareness.
30:56
Speaker 1: Something to think about. So I pulled up some research
31:00
Speaker 1: from the Goverment Institute. Shout out to the Godments. I
31:03
Speaker 1: just had a great conversation with John Godman. He's a
31:05
Speaker 1: legend man and the Goverment Institute has They do a
31:10
Speaker 1: lot of really important research around couples and relationships. So
31:15
Speaker 1: let's reframe this a little bit. They did research with
31:18
Speaker 1: couples pick up on four primary communication patterns that predict
31:21
Speaker 1: relationship failure, and that one is criticism. When it's contempt.
31:25
Speaker 1: One it's defensiveness, and the other one is stonewall. And
31:28
Speaker 1: I'll break these down and these are what John Godman
31:31
Speaker 1: calls the four horsemen y'all know about the horsemen of
31:33
Speaker 1: the apocalypse. This is the horsemen of relationship disaster. And
31:38
Speaker 1: they are behaviors and not personality types. We're not talking
31:42
Speaker 1: about an identity. It's not who you are. We're talking
31:45
Speaker 1: about behaviors. It's what you do, and all of them,
31:50
Speaker 1: all of them. This is the good news. All of
31:52
Speaker 1: these behaviors can be unlearned. But let's talk about them
31:55
Speaker 1: a little bit. Our rotation of notes so that we
31:57
Speaker 1: can go over this joint So the first one is criticism,
32:00
Speaker 1: and what criticism Basically the way criticism talks. Criticism says
32:04
Speaker 1: you have a problem. That's criticism. It isn't talking about
32:08
Speaker 1: the problem necessarily. It's turning the problem into a character
32:13
Speaker 1: in the relationship. So now the problem isn't just a
32:16
Speaker 1: thing that happens, has an entire shape, has a presence
32:20
Speaker 1: in this relationship. It's almost as if it's another person.
32:23
Speaker 1: So let's say an example. This is let's say you
32:26
Speaker 1: forgot to pick up the groceries. Here's what criticism sounds like.
32:30
Speaker 1: You forgot to pick up the groceries. You don't ever
32:33
Speaker 1: think about anybody but yourself. That's criticism. That's an attack,
32:40
Speaker 1: and it doesn't necessarily get the message across, right, well
32:43
Speaker 1: not right, but it doesn't get the message across. It
32:46
Speaker 1: doesn't communicate what you're trying to say effectively. What another
32:50
Speaker 1: way that you can go about this is to say
32:51
Speaker 1: something like this, A, I was really counting on you
32:55
Speaker 1: to pick up the groceries. Can we figure out a
32:57
Speaker 1: system to make sure this doesn't happen? And again? Or
33:01
Speaker 1: I was really counting on you to pick up the groceries.
33:03
Speaker 1: What happened? I thought we mutually understood. But when you
33:07
Speaker 1: ask that, it has to come from a genial place
33:09
Speaker 1: of curiosity and try to solve the problem. You want
33:12
Speaker 1: to make them feel stupid because dumb ass, why didn't
33:14
Speaker 1: you pick up the groceries? Like it wasn't that hard.
33:16
Speaker 1: I get it, I get it. But that's what makes
33:20
Speaker 1: that's the difference between being a good person and being
33:22
Speaker 1: a good partner, because being a good partner requires you
33:25
Speaker 1: to come in with some race, especially when you're frustrated.
33:28
Speaker 1: And I know that's a lot to ask, but it
33:30
Speaker 1: doesn't make it any less important. Now, Contempt is different
33:34
Speaker 1: because contempt gets the moral high ground. Contempt says I'm
33:38
Speaker 1: better than you. Contempt is it's like criticism, but with
33:42
Speaker 1: like more moral superiority. It's the oh, it's the eye rolls.
33:47
Speaker 1: It's the exhausted expressions every time you walk in the room.
33:51
Speaker 1: It's the annoyance before you open your mouth, when they
33:54
Speaker 1: have that face, you know people face for our something
33:56
Speaker 1: like what do you want? You didn't even say anything yet,
33:58
Speaker 1: but that is the orientation against you. That's what contemp
34:01
Speaker 1: looks like. An example would be if someone forgets to
34:05
Speaker 1: make a phone call, you forget to make a phone call.
34:07
Speaker 1: Contempt will say something like, huh, must be nice to
34:11
Speaker 1: be able to still be taken care of and not
34:13
Speaker 1: handle any of your responsibilities. Huh, must be nice to
34:16
Speaker 1: be able to forget things and not let everything fall
34:19
Speaker 1: apart around you. It's always someone to pick up your stuff. Huh.
34:23
Speaker 1: It's contempt. That's not helpful because you think you're communicating
34:29
Speaker 1: your frustrations, but the other person doesn't pick it up
34:33
Speaker 1: like that. More often than not, to them, you're not
34:37
Speaker 1: communicating what you're frustrating with. You're communicating your dislike to
34:41
Speaker 1: them as an individual. So you think you're messaging something,
34:45
Speaker 1: but it doesn't get picked up that way, and you
34:48
Speaker 1: don't see it that way, and they're not picking up
34:51
Speaker 1: what you're putting down. So it's not even a nice
34:54
Speaker 1: flowing back and forth of communication. There's a blockage that
34:59
Speaker 1: neither one of you all can see, and if you
35:00
Speaker 1: can't see, it's gonna be a blockish and neither one
35:02
Speaker 1: of y'all can get past. Now. Defensiveness is not my favorite,
35:07
Speaker 1: but it's the most obvious to me because defensitives says, hey,
35:10
Speaker 1: it ain't my fault, did.
35:13
Speaker 2: I do that?
35:14
Speaker 1: Defensiveness is an automatic armoring up when you are brought
35:19
Speaker 1: into question. The way I describe defensiveness is it's like
35:24
Speaker 1: self protection disguised as communication. So here's an example. Let's
35:30
Speaker 1: say you at a restaurant and your partner says, you know,
35:33
Speaker 1: I feel ignored when you're always on your phone. Defensiveness
35:36
Speaker 1: will say, well, damn, I gotta work, don't I? Or
35:39
Speaker 1: I've been working all day. Defensiveness will say and hit
35:42
Speaker 1: what about ism? And to say, oh, well, you always
35:44
Speaker 1: on your phone and I don't say anything. But that's
35:47
Speaker 1: not addressing the issue. That's a reaction, and it's not
35:52
Speaker 1: necessarily a response. It's not an intuitive response. An intuitive
35:57
Speaker 1: response that doesn't have defensiveness will say, damn, I am
36:00
Speaker 1: on my phone. You're right, okay, give me another two minutes,
36:03
Speaker 1: let me knock this out, and then you have my
36:04
Speaker 1: full attention. You see the difference. It's not getting upset
36:08
Speaker 1: at what they said. It's taking what they said in
36:10
Speaker 1: and too consideration and applying or deploying some sort of
36:14
Speaker 1: solution for that. Listen to me, I am not saying
36:17
Speaker 1: these things are easy. I'm not saying they're easy to do.
36:20
Speaker 1: I'm saying that if you practice them, you become better
36:22
Speaker 1: at them. If you become better at them, you will
36:25
Speaker 1: have a better chance of having a healthy relationship one percent. Now, finally,
36:31
Speaker 1: the last horseman is stonewalling, and stonewalling is basically folding
36:35
Speaker 1: the arms saying I'm not speaking to you. That's stonewalling.
36:41
Speaker 1: It's completely cutting off communication. Some people can try to
36:46
Speaker 1: disguise stonewalling as a healthy break, but really what it
36:50
Speaker 1: is it's an abandonment. You've abandoned the communication part of
36:55
Speaker 1: this relationship. Or no, that's too big, that's an exaggeration.
36:59
Speaker 1: You've abandoned the communication part of this discussion. You just
37:03
Speaker 1: you quit on it. So an example would be if
37:06
Speaker 1: your partner says, hey, man, some stuff happened yesterday. It
37:10
Speaker 1: got crazy. Can we talk about it? And instead of responding,
37:14
Speaker 1: you just go silent, or you our role or another
37:19
Speaker 1: part of stonewalls when you go and then you they
37:23
Speaker 1: ask his everything okay, you gom h and that's all
37:27
Speaker 1: that you say. It's an emotional abandonment. Sometimes what will
37:32
Speaker 1: happen is people will put a pin in it, but
37:35
Speaker 1: they'll never come back to the conversation. So stonewaller isn't
37:40
Speaker 1: just not saying anything at all. It's not just a
37:43
Speaker 1: complete silence all the time. Sometimes it's an inability to
37:46
Speaker 1: engage with the conflict. You just you don't want to
37:49
Speaker 1: do it, so you simply won't, which is not good
37:53
Speaker 1: because that problem is still exists in your relationship, but
37:55
Speaker 1: now there's no place to talk about or discuss it,
37:58
Speaker 1: so it begins to fester rit as time goes on.
38:04
Speaker 1: All right, So let's take a moment to talk about
38:06
Speaker 1: the skills that actually have to be built, because this
38:09
Speaker 1: is a skills issue at the end of the day,
38:11
Speaker 1: and I want you to walk away more informed. One
38:15
Speaker 1: of the skills that you absolutely have to build, and
38:17
Speaker 1: we talk about it online all the time is emotional regulation.
38:20
Speaker 1: And emotional regulation is the ability to have emotions and
38:25
Speaker 1: feelings come your way, but not let them drive all
38:28
Speaker 1: of your thoughts and behaviors. So emotional regulation would sound like,
38:34
Speaker 1: I'm really upset right now, so let me gather my
38:36
Speaker 1: thoughts before I say something that I don't mean. That's
38:39
Speaker 1: emotional regulation, not flying off at the handle, but gathering
38:42
Speaker 1: those thoughts before you say something you can't take back
38:45
Speaker 1: a really important skill. Another really important skill to have
38:49
Speaker 1: is repair. Repair is more important than getting it perfect
38:53
Speaker 1: in the first place, because it gives you the ability
38:56
Speaker 1: to come back and fix what's broken. We call them
38:58
Speaker 1: ruptures in a relation, and it lets you go back
39:02
Speaker 1: and fix a rupture. So repair would sound like, Hey,
39:06
Speaker 1: I've been thinking about our conversation lately, and man, I
39:12
Speaker 1: think I was a little defensive and I didn't respond
39:15
Speaker 1: the way I wanted to. I'm sorry about that. Can
39:18
Speaker 1: we try to do this again? Can we had this
39:19
Speaker 1: conversation one more time? Want to try that again? That's repair,
39:25
Speaker 1: going back and trying to fix what was broken. A
39:29
Speaker 1: super important man, super important, super important skill to have.
39:35
Speaker 1: It's differentiation. Let me explain what that is. Differentiation is
39:41
Speaker 1: being in a relationship but still having your own sense
39:44
Speaker 1: of self. You're not just glued together with this other
39:47
Speaker 1: person in a relationship is one blob, but you are
39:50
Speaker 1: your own person inside of this unit. You still keep
39:54
Speaker 1: all of your likes, all of your humanity. It's still
39:57
Speaker 1: you. You are still you. You're not just this person's boyfriend
40:01
Speaker 1: or this person's girlfriend. So this is a good example
40:04
Speaker 1: of differentiation. Not having good differentiation, but saying like, oh,
40:08
Speaker 1: they said they needed space for me, something must be
40:11
Speaker 1: wrong with me. Or something's wrong with the relationship because
40:14
Speaker 1: they need space. They want to go out and eat
40:16
Speaker 1: by themselves. Why we go out and eat together? That's
40:19
Speaker 1: a US thing. Why would you want to know? Is
40:21
Speaker 1: something wrong? Is everything okay? No good? Differentiation says, oh
40:25
Speaker 1: you need some space. Hey, people need space sometimes god
40:28
Speaker 1: to have a good time. I'll be here when you
40:29
Speaker 1: need me. Now this, I think we need to do
40:33
Speaker 1: another episode just about how we attach to people and
40:37
Speaker 1: the narratives that we think about their own needs within
40:40
Speaker 1: a relationship. But that's another conversation for another day. Differentiation says,
40:45
Speaker 1: I'm going to miss them where they're gone, but their
40:48
Speaker 1: independence is still important in this relationship and I respect that.
40:52
Speaker 1: And finally, we have empathy. And empathy isn't taking on
40:57
Speaker 1: another person's feelings. That's not what empathy is is. It's
41:01
Speaker 1: empathy is genuinely wanting to understand how that person is impacted.
41:06
Speaker 1: Empathy is not just waiting for your turn to respond,
41:09
Speaker 1: but being proactive in your curiosity around how well your
41:13
Speaker 1: partner's doing. Are you okay, legitimately, I'm not asking for me,
41:17
Speaker 1: I'm asking for you. I'm really concerned. That's empathy, not
41:20
Speaker 1: being sad because you're sad, not mirroring your feelings. That's
41:24
Speaker 1: not necessarily the type of empathy I'm talking about. So
41:27
Speaker 1: that looks like if your partner says, you know, when
41:30
Speaker 1: you made that joke at the dinner table, I was
41:32
Speaker 1: really embarrassed, So empathy says, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry.
41:36
Speaker 1: I did not mean to embarrass you. Can you tell
41:39
Speaker 1: me what part of that was embarrassing? I want to
41:41
Speaker 1: make sure that I don't do that again. That's empathy
41:45
Speaker 1: and understanding, and those those are skills that you you
41:49
Speaker 1: can work on no matter where you are and your abilities.
41:52
Speaker 1: You can get better at those things. It just takes
41:56
Speaker 1: a conscious awareness of wanting to be better. It's not
41:59
Speaker 1: it'll happen over time by itself, sure, but when you're
42:02
Speaker 1: intentional about it, when you're intentional about getting better, when
42:06
Speaker 1: you take the moments to practice empathy and practice understanding,
42:10
Speaker 1: and you genuinely not just to get them off your
42:15
Speaker 1: back or to shut them up, but you genuinely want
42:17
Speaker 1: to be a better partner for the sake of them,
42:19
Speaker 1: for the sake of you, and for the sake of
42:21
Speaker 1: your collective. That's where the intentionality piece comes to. It's
42:25
Speaker 1: not what you do. It's the motivation behind why you
42:28
Speaker 1: do it. So if we're talking about intentionality and we're
42:32
Speaker 1: talking about practicing, you may say, kid, how do I
42:35
Speaker 1: how do I even get started? What is the first step?
42:38
Speaker 1: I got? You? Don't worry about it. The first step,
42:41
Speaker 1: like I said earlier, is awareness. So here's some questions
42:44
Speaker 1: that you can ask yourself to kind of widen your awareness.
42:48
Speaker 1: And it's almost like stretching man, getting your getting yourself
42:52
Speaker 1: more limbers so that you can better maneuver through all
42:56
Speaker 1: the obstacles that will prevent you from being this or
42:58
Speaker 1: prevent you from doing this. So here a few check ins.
43:01
Speaker 1: I want you to give yourself quietly by yourself and
43:04
Speaker 1: your card R that's whatever. Just think about it. Number one,
43:09
Speaker 1: When you were in conflict with somebody that you love,
43:12
Speaker 1: what's your first instinct? Is it the fight? Is it flight?
43:17
Speaker 1: Which is is it the freeze? Or is to not
43:20
Speaker 1: do anything? Or which is it the faun which is
43:24
Speaker 1: to kind of like kiss up to and make good
43:27
Speaker 1: with that person so that they so that this whole
43:30
Speaker 1: thing blows over. They don't even think about it. You're
43:33
Speaker 1: distracting them with the misdirection. What is your first instinct,
43:37
Speaker 1: Now what you want to do? What's the first thing
43:39
Speaker 1: that you think to do. Number two, When someone tells
43:43
Speaker 1: you something about yourself, like a criticism, what happens in
43:48
Speaker 1: your body? Does your stomach start to hurt? Do you
43:51
Speaker 1: feel a pain there? Does your head start to spin
43:54
Speaker 1: a little bit? Do you start to get nervous, you
44:00
Speaker 1: get excited? Do you get scared? What's happening inside your
44:03
Speaker 1: body when these situations occur? And also, if you can
44:08
Speaker 1: make room for it, I want you to try to
44:09
Speaker 1: figure out what story your mind is telling about you
44:13
Speaker 1: this criticism that they have of you. What is your
44:17
Speaker 1: mind saying that that means about? What story does that
44:22
Speaker 1: criticism tell about you? Be it true or not, doesn't
44:25
Speaker 1: matter right now? What is the story? Admit it out
44:28
Speaker 1: loud to yourself. Number three, Who do you have in
44:31
Speaker 1: your life? Whether it's a pastor, a therapist, a good girlfriend,
44:35
Speaker 1: a homie, co worker, sad box, anybody who do you
44:39
Speaker 1: have that can tell you the truth about how you
44:42
Speaker 1: show up and you actually listen to them even if
44:46
Speaker 1: you don't agree. And if you don't have anybody, why
44:50
Speaker 1: is that? Why is it that you don't have anybody
44:53
Speaker 1: who can kind of snap you right back. Who could
44:58
Speaker 1: tell you straight up truth and actually have you tune
45:01
Speaker 1: into it? And number four is how was how was
45:06
Speaker 1: love and partnership portrayed to you and your home growing up?
45:11
Speaker 1: As you were growing up? How did you get to
45:13
Speaker 1: know what love and partnership meant? What was your understanding
45:18
Speaker 1: of it? What were your examples? And now I also
45:22
Speaker 1: want to know what lessons you took away from that
45:25
Speaker 1: and how they are still impacting you today. I think
45:28
Speaker 1: those are important things to think about. That's your foundation.
45:32
Speaker 1: It was your very beginning lessons on relationships. What did
45:34
Speaker 1: those lessons teach you do the shadows of those things
45:38
Speaker 1: still linger today. You don't have to answer right now,
45:40
Speaker 1: but it's something I want you to think about. If
45:43
Speaker 1: you you you listening to this right now, if you
45:46
Speaker 1: don't take anything else away from this episode, I want
45:49
Speaker 1: you to know that being quote unquote bad at relationships
45:53
Speaker 1: is not a life sentence. It's not a life sentence.
45:57
Speaker 1: It's not a terminal diagnosis. It's something that you can
46:01
Speaker 1: improve on, but under certain conditions. That's the intentionality piece,
46:08
Speaker 1: that's the genuine piece. It's something it has to be
46:10
Speaker 1: something that you genuinely want to do when you can't
46:12
Speaker 1: possibly keep it up long term. The way I see it,
46:16
Speaker 1: it's kind of like a two track system. There are
46:19
Speaker 1: people who see the gaps and decide, you know what,
46:22
Speaker 1: I want to fill those gaps with skills I want
46:25
Speaker 1: to get. I want to be different in that direction,
46:28
Speaker 1: I want to do better, And there are people who
46:30
Speaker 1: see the gaps and decide, I'm gonna go this way.
46:35
Speaker 1: I ain't doing all that. That's not what I'm doing
46:37
Speaker 1: right now, and that's fine as long as you're not
46:39
Speaker 1: hurting people in the process. But my question to you
46:43
Speaker 1: is which person are you going to decide to be today?
46:47
Speaker 1: Because I think we discussed a lot of the tools
46:49
Speaker 1: that can give you the awareness to see the gaps,
46:52
Speaker 1: but what you do with them is on you. Perhaps
46:55
Speaker 1: this is a good episode to bring to your partner,
46:57
Speaker 1: if you have one. Perhaps this is a good episode
46:59
Speaker 1: to I don't know about, or write about, or just
47:02
Speaker 1: do some silent reflection to yourself. Remember, the goal here
47:05
Speaker 1: isn't to have you beat up on yourself for who
47:07
Speaker 1: you may or may not have been in the past.
47:10
Speaker 1: That's not what we're doing here. Whatsoever. The goal here
47:15
Speaker 1: is to make you conscious of the things that may
47:18
Speaker 1: be already going on in your life that you may
47:20
Speaker 1: not see or that may not stand out to you
47:23
Speaker 1: as much as they can. Remember. The work starts inside,
47:28
Speaker 1: and what your assignment is is to stay honest with
47:33
Speaker 1: yourself and surround yourself with people that feel comfortable telling
47:39
Speaker 1: you the truth as they see it, and to put
47:42
Speaker 1: yourself in a mind frame where you can hear that
47:45
Speaker 1: truth and do something meaningful with it. I want to
47:50
Speaker 1: take a minute to just thank y'all for listening. I
47:52
Speaker 1: know I say that a lot. I'm going to thank
47:53
Speaker 1: you a lot because I'm really grateful for your awareness.
47:56
Speaker 1: But I know that y'all also want to have a
47:58
Speaker 1: chance to ask me questions, which I love. Let's do
48:01
Speaker 1: that do We do have a voicemail feature if you
48:04
Speaker 1: go to learn the hardwaypod dot com, you can leave
48:08
Speaker 1: me a voice message. And I actually just got left
48:11
Speaker 1: a few that I want to play for y'all right now.
48:13
Speaker 1: These are good, but I need more of these from
48:15
Speaker 1: y'all so that we can learn together. It could be
48:17
Speaker 1: more of a communal learning experience if we hear from
48:21
Speaker 1: y'all directly. I play them on air, and yeah, we'll
48:24
Speaker 1: noodle on them all this one big group break by
48:26
Speaker 1: brick is I like to say, So, I got a
48:28
Speaker 1: message right here, I'm gonna play it, and then we're
48:31
Speaker 1: gonna think about it, and then we gonna respond to it.
48:33
Speaker 1: All Right, there we go. I have.
48:37
Speaker 2: Ruined all of my relationships because I failed to set
48:41
Speaker 2: boundaries with my friends due to my people clasing habits,
48:44
Speaker 2: and I've never been able to break. Right now, I'm
48:48
Speaker 2: dealing with putting my partner first over my friends. He's
48:55
Speaker 2: my partner. Isn't necessarily comfortable with my friends and how
49:01
Speaker 2: they act and how they treat me and how they move,
49:04
Speaker 2: And I can't falter because I had never set these
49:08
Speaker 2: boundaries out with my friends. And now we've gotten to
49:12
Speaker 2: a point where I'm pretty much in an ultimatum where
49:15
Speaker 2: I have to choose between her or my friends, and
49:20
Speaker 2: my head is splitting.
49:21
Speaker 1: And I don't really know what to do. Okay, let's
49:26
Speaker 1: talk about it. So this didn't give me a lot
49:29
Speaker 1: of information to go off of. What I do know
49:33
Speaker 1: is that you said that you struggle with people pleasing,
49:36
Speaker 1: you didn't set boundaries with your friends, and now you
49:39
Speaker 1: are in a place where there's an ultimatum where your
49:41
Speaker 1: partner is making you choose between them or her, from
49:45
Speaker 1: my understanding, and her problem isn't just that she doesn't
49:50
Speaker 1: like your friends from the way you explain it. Her
49:53
Speaker 1: problem is that somewhat she doesn't like the way they act.
49:57
Speaker 1: She doesn't like the way they move, and I think
49:59
Speaker 1: she it doesn't like the way they treat you. I don't.
50:03
Speaker 1: I can't do too much with that because it's very nondescript.
50:07
Speaker 1: I don't know how they act. What is it that
50:09
Speaker 1: your friends are doing necessarily? Is it putting you in danger?
50:12
Speaker 1: Is it making her uncomfortable? Is a mix of the two?
50:15
Speaker 1: When you say you didn't establish boundaries with your friends,
50:17
Speaker 1: what are they doing to you necessarily? Are they taking
50:20
Speaker 1: things away from you? Are they cutting into your time
50:25
Speaker 1: with your girlfriend? Are they taking you away from your responsibilities?
50:29
Speaker 1: Are they negatively influencing you to do things? And then
50:32
Speaker 1: I guess my final question is like, well, first off,
50:37
Speaker 1: I'm sorry that you got to pick between your friends
50:39
Speaker 1: and your girls. That's a tough place to be, and
50:43
Speaker 1: in a perfect world we wouldn't have to choose between
50:46
Speaker 1: groups of people that we love. But my question to
50:49
Speaker 1: you is what do you want to do? Let's take
50:53
Speaker 1: the girlfriend out of it, and let's take the friend
50:56
Speaker 1: influence out of it, which is hard to do when
50:58
Speaker 1: we're talking about people pleasing, Because people pleasing' it is
51:01
Speaker 1: a deep fear that I will disappoint the people around
51:03
Speaker 1: me and they will not like me. They will be
51:06
Speaker 1: upset with me. They will WITHHOD love, they will withhod community.
51:10
Speaker 1: It's going to be friction there, uncomfortable friction, attention that
51:13
Speaker 1: I do not want to deal with. I want to
51:15
Speaker 1: avoid it at all costs. That's kind of emblematic of
51:19
Speaker 1: what people pleasing is. What do you want to do?
51:22
Speaker 1: What is it that you ultimately want? Is it that
51:24
Speaker 1: you want her to be happy and be appeased, or
51:27
Speaker 1: is it that you want whatever this negative thing that's
51:30
Speaker 1: happened in this dynamic between you and your friends, you
51:32
Speaker 1: want some resolution. Another question is do you think is negative?
51:36
Speaker 1: Do you think what she thinks? Do you see things
51:39
Speaker 1: the same way that she does? Do you see the
51:42
Speaker 1: same things the same way that she does without her influence?
51:44
Speaker 1: Is this something that you could see before she brought
51:46
Speaker 1: it to your attention? Is this something that is inconvenient
51:51
Speaker 1: or is it something that is catastrophic? Is there any
51:56
Speaker 1: other way to go about this besides either losing your
52:01
Speaker 1: girl or losing your friends. I think it puts you
52:04
Speaker 1: in a tough point when you're already vulnerable to the
52:09
Speaker 1: whims of other people, to the desires of other people.
52:13
Speaker 1: I think it puts you in a very precarious situation
52:16
Speaker 1: where you're stuck between two sides that are pulling you
52:19
Speaker 1: both ways. Is it anyway you could talk to both
52:23
Speaker 1: of these different groups and express what you feel, because
52:25
Speaker 1: that would be my first step if I were you,
52:27
Speaker 1: My first step would be to identify what it is
52:29
Speaker 1: that I want, Not that I want my girl to
52:31
Speaker 1: be happy or I want my friends to stop doing
52:33
Speaker 1: these things. What I want is to have more control
52:36
Speaker 1: over what I say yes and no to. What I
52:38
Speaker 1: want is the ability to express to my friends the
52:41
Speaker 1: way that I genuinely feel and not lose any membership.
52:47
Speaker 1: What I want is to be clear on whether or
52:49
Speaker 1: not the thing I'm most afraid of happening will actually
52:52
Speaker 1: happen if I take action. It's a lot of ifs, man,
52:56
Speaker 1: it's a lot of scenarios that you're probably playing in
52:58
Speaker 1: your head. What's the evidence that the thing that you're
53:02
Speaker 1: most afraid of is going to happen because if you
53:05
Speaker 1: continue to kind of, you know, put out these small
53:10
Speaker 1: fires and I get to the root of the issue,
53:12
Speaker 1: this isn't this is going to keep happening. It's just
53:15
Speaker 1: going to keep happening, just in other scenarios. Next time,
53:17
Speaker 1: it won't be friends and girlfriends. It'll be two other
53:19
Speaker 1: groups that you put up against. And look, if your
53:21
Speaker 1: relationship advances, bro your relationship advances, These situations just multiply
53:26
Speaker 1: because then you have family. Then you have children, and
53:28
Speaker 1: your family, her family and her relationship with her family,
53:31
Speaker 1: and your relationship with your family. And it's a lot
53:33
Speaker 1: of stuff. So you're not too late. You had a
53:36
Speaker 1: very good point. You had a very very very good
53:38
Speaker 1: part of your life to start practicing, deciding what it
53:41
Speaker 1: is you want to do and having the conversations. It
53:43
Speaker 1: may feel really big just to knock it out on
53:45
Speaker 1: one fell swoop, but maybe it's it's ten or twelve
53:48
Speaker 1: smaller conversations that you have with each group and not
53:51
Speaker 1: just talk about what anybody else thinks. Oh, my friends
53:54
Speaker 1: think that my girlfriend does this, my girlfriends think that
53:56
Speaker 1: my friends do this. Focus on from what those two
53:58
Speaker 1: groups do. Know what you want because I didn't hear
54:01
Speaker 1: it in a voicemail, and what you want is the
54:03
Speaker 1: most important thing in this entire process. But you need
54:07
Speaker 1: some space to get away from the other voices in
54:10
Speaker 1: order to identify that. And that's not something I heard
54:12
Speaker 1: you mentioned in a voice message. When your voice is
54:15
Speaker 1: the most predominant voice in your mind, you can follow
54:19
Speaker 1: a norf starters authentic to you and not to what
54:21
Speaker 1: other people want from you, even if they want the
54:23
Speaker 1: best for you. Still is important to know what your
54:26
Speaker 1: voice is singing in that crowd of voices. So good luck, man,
54:30
Speaker 1: and thank you for leaving the voicemail. And bro, you're
54:35
Speaker 1: not alone. This isn't a unique situation. People deal with
54:37
Speaker 1: it all the time, hoping that you navigated in a
54:40
Speaker 1: way that's best for you. Again, if you have any
54:43
Speaker 1: questions for me, if you want to share a voice note,
54:47
Speaker 1: leave it on the website Learn thehardwaypod dot com. There's
54:50
Speaker 1: a feature where you can leave me one of these
54:52
Speaker 1: wonderful voice notes and we will respond to it on air. Yeah,
54:57
Speaker 1: always appreciate all being here. Always a pre she had
55:00
Speaker 1: these conversations with y'all. Yeah, my name is kier Gines.
55:03
Speaker 1: I'm your favorite therapist. This is learned Hardway. We'll see
55:06
Speaker 1: you next week, y'all. Be good job, well done, Learn
55:11
Speaker 1: the Hard Way. As a production of iHeart Podcasts. I'm
55:14
Speaker 1: your host kier Gaines. We're produced by Courtney Deans and
55:17
Speaker 1: Cason Alexander Ashley. J. Hobbs is our senior producer. Our
55:21
Speaker 1: executive producers of Will Packer, Doctor Joy Hard and Bradford,
55:25
Speaker 1: Alex Balden and Carla will Marris