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Finding Solutions with The Miracle Question · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: One of my favorite therapy frameworks is solution focused.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I love it because, first of all, what is implied in the name is that we're looking for solutions.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I think so often in life we are focused on what is wrong instead of what we can do to change it.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I actually had a boss a long time ago.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: I used the word boss, she was a principal at the high school where I worked, and she was livid one day about something that had happened.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And she said to this, to the counseling staff, you need to come to me with solutions, not problems.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, that stuck with me for 20 years.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I do love solution focused because what that does is as the therapist, you're helping the client focus on what their strengths are and what options they have to solve a problem.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to tell you about one of my favorite parts of solution-focused therapy, and it's called the miracle question.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to tell you the kind of the parts of it, and maybe you can think of something that is a problem for you right now, something that you're trying to figure out how to make your way through it.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: This might help a little bit.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: So the first thing that I want you to do is imagine that situation.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then imagine a miracle occurs overnight.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So that when you wake up in the morning, the problem is solved.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: So again, think about what would be different.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: So you go to sleep, you wake up in the morning, the issue that you had is just solved.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Everything's fine.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: You see it as you want it to be.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: So the first thing that you want to do is notice what is different.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know that a miracle happened?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: What do you see in this scene?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then think about the details.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So focus on in this scenario where the problem has been solved, what are you doing?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Who would you be with?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: How would you be feeling?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: So really immerse yourself in the details of what that would be like for this problem to be different.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you want to look at what is the first sign that a miracle has occurred.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: So let me try to think of a framework.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing this on the fly.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I actually did not think this through before I sat down and turned on the microphone.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say that you're in a situation where you and your partner have not been communicating well for a long time.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And typically in that situation, you might really be focused on the feelings of alienation or pain or um maybe a yearning of like you remember that there used to be good communication, but there's a lot of things in the way.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: So for you, if you have a situation like this, you may wake up in the morning after your miracle occurred, and you might see you and your partner sitting there together having coffee.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: You might be, if you're a social media person, you might be sharing funny things you're seeing.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you sit and read the newspaper, you might be talking about that.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: You might just simply be sitting outside enjoying the day and talking about what has been happening in your own day.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you see the two of you in a situation like that where you're the feeling you have might be a feeling of connection.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you would be sitting there doing something where you're both relaxed, you're enjoying that space together, and obviously the person you would be with would be your partner.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: So think about what might have happened to get you to that point.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: So it might have been that one of you extended the invitation.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, what if if tomorrow morning we just take a take some time in the morning before we go do X, whatever you typically do in a day.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we just sit out, it's supposed to be a nice morning, let's just sit out on the porch.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: That is a first action step.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it seems very simple, but sometimes when we are immersed in what we think of as a problem, we are just focusing on what are the barriers to getting where we want to get.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: So when we can start to see the picture of what we want it to look like, then we can start to look at, okay, well, then how do we get there?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that's very much what solution focused is about.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then you might think about, you know, what is the next step?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that might be to just say, you know, I really like sitting here with you.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I miss doing this.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that is going to connect.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And what it's really trying to focus on is thinking about what are your resources?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes we get lost in something and we forget that we can find our own way out.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it also focuses on strengths.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that's another thing I love about solution focus.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So we're picturing what we want life to be like, and we're shifting from what is a problem to what is the solution look like.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe try that for yourself.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, kind of play around with it.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Think about some things that for you feel like they're taking up some mental real estate because you're worried about them, or you've started to um really feel like something has to happen here, but I don't know what to do.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of dwelling on what are those barriers or what feels bad, use the miracle question.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you woke up tomorrow morning and things were like you want them to be, what would that look like?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: What would it feel like, and who would you be with?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then start to break it down into what are the steps that might have happened to get you there.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you have any thoughts or comments about the miracle question or how it worked for you, I would love to hear.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: You can either text me at the link in the show notes.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I can't answer those texts, but um you can text me that way, or I have an email address, nsvpodcast at gmail.com.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Feel free to drop me a line there.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear how this worked for you or what comments you have, or even if you have any ideas for a mini in the future.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I would just love to hear that.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.