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The Parenting Shift That Changed Everything With My Teen Son · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:32
  Ben: Hello, everyone.
• 0:33
  Ben: Thank you for being here, and welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:38
  Ben: I keep on saying this.
• 0:40
  Ben: When I have guests, I'm like,"Man, we are in for a treat," and I truly believe that.
• 0:45
  Ben: Fortunately for you guys, you don't have to just listen to me today.
• 0:48
  Ben: You get to listen to me and one of my former clients, and she is also a life coach.
• 0:53
  Ben: This is Stacy.
• 0:54
  Ben: Stacy, tell us a little bit about yourself and why we work together.
• 1:02
  Stacy: So we started working together...
• 1:04
  Stacy: I have 16-year-old twins.
• 1:05
  Stacy: They're about to be juniors in high school.
• 1:08
  Stacy: And I, I noticed I was having some challenges connecting with my teen son.
• 1:18
  Stacy: My daughter, not so much.
• 1:20
  Stacy: And definitely I think the gender plays a role.
• 1:23
  Stacy: You know, we both, my daughter and I we have a lot of the same interests.
• 1:28
  Stacy: And with my son I don't play football, I don't play basketball.
• 1:34
  Stacy: You know, he's, he's got a mind for numbers when it comes to sports and memorizing stats, and all of those are things that I'm interested in, but they're not my, like, true passions.
• 1:47
  Stacy: And so I was just finding that I was really struggling with connecting with him, and I would go into my, my own tool belt as a life coach and try to, you know, coach myself through.
• 2:02
  Stacy: And I would ask friends,"Okay, you have, you know, you have teen boys.
• 2:06
  Stacy: Like, what are your suggestions?" And I kind of exhausted all of my resources, and I said to my husband one day, I was like,"I, I need to talk to Ben." And he's like,"Great.
• 2:16
  Stacy: Let's, let's do this." So I came to you with, with an open heart and really needing support and guidance about how to How to strengthen our bond, how to it- it, more than maintain it, but, like, keep it going.
• 2:36
  Stacy: 'Cause my kids are 16, so we've got a couple years left, right, until they're off in the world and, and doing their own thing.
• 2:45
  Stacy: At least, you know, in a, in a, what I call It's like teen light or light, a light adulthood, right?
• 2:53
  Stacy: They're not fully- Yeah so they'll be popping back and in.
• 2:55
  Stacy: But, like, I know this is a moment that I really wanted to harness and make good use of.
• 3:02
  Stacy: So I turn to you.
• 3:04
  Ben: I love that, and I feel like one of the mistakes that we make as parents, or one of the traps that we fall into, is just thinking that the present moment will o- just it'll stay the same, and it'll always be here.
• 3:18
  Ben: So my oldest got married over the summer, and, like, things just change.
• 3:25
  Ben: And it seems like they stay the same for a while, and then they change.
• 3:29
  Ben: And I'm like,"Oh my goodness, how did I ignore the fact that he was gonna wanna move out and become his own man?" And I feel like as parents, if you can consciously be aware,"Okay, here's the season that I'm in.
• 3:47
  Ben: How can I best use this season to get the most out of it to help set me up for future seasons?" And I love that you came to me, because I feel like Well, number one, I know your child, so- Yep I feel like he just deserves all the best in the world.
• 4:05
  Ben: And there is something special when a mom is willing to connect with her teen and make that a priority.
• 4:14
  Ben: It's amazing the things that start to change even in that teen's life.
• 4:18
  Ben: So I feel like he's lucky.
• 4:21
  Ben: I actually feel like you guys are both really lucky to have each other,'cause you're both- Thank you so awesome.
• 4:26
  Stacy: Thank you.
• 4:27
  Stacy: You, you helped him so much.
• 4:30
  Stacy: And we still I mean, that, this was m- I don't know, four, five, six years ago now even and we still reference some of the conversations that you've had, that you had with him.
• 4:41
  Stacy: And I didn't tell him right away that I was working with you, but I told him, like, a few weeks in.
• 4:46
  Stacy: He's like,"Oh, wow, that's cool." So that, a- and I know that carried some street cred because you,'cause of your relationship with him.
• 4:57
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 4:57
  Stacy: It was super helpful.
• 4:59
  Stacy: Super helpful.
• 5:00
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 5:01
  Ben: Well, let me ask you a tough question.
• 5:03
  Ben: What do you...
• 5:04
  Ben: Like, give us a before and after.
• 5:07
  Ben: Have you ever seen those weight loss pictures online- Oh, yeah where they're like,"Oh, here's a before"?
• 5:12
  Ben: Or I'm a sucker for infomercials.
• 5:15
  Ben: Mm.
• 5:15
  Ben: I love how they, like, make it look so hard.
• 5:18
  Ben: They're, like, pushing over a wheelbarrow, and it looks like it's the hardest thing on earth, but bam, with this special wheelbarrow.
• 5:24
  Ben: And then you get the after, and it's like,"It's easy, it's breezy." Give us an idea, like what did the relationship look like before, and w- what were you able to get the relationship to look like after?
• 5:39
  Stacy: I firmly believe that parenting our children is more about re-parenting or parenting ourselves.
• 5:48
  Stacy: And when we, when we have an understanding of how we're showing up, it can't help but change the relationship.
• 5:56
  Stacy: So, here's an example.
• 5:59
  Stacy: Sometimes we would have a conversation, and I would want it to go one way, already thinking I had a plan, and if it didn't go that way, I was, like, incredibly frustrated, annoyed, and sometimes I'd be able to, you know, contain my emotions, and sometimes I'd, you know, be not so great at that.
• 6:25
  Stacy: And the whole situation would just go sideways.
• 6:28
  Stacy: And one of the things that you taught me was- To, like, slow situations down.
• 6:36
  Stacy: So we would h- Xander and I would live our lives, and then we would co- I would come to you e- every week, and there was so much grist for the mill that happened in the week that we could unpack it slowly, you and I.
• 6:50
  Stacy: And so I could have an understanding the next time that situation came up or the next time that conversation came up, this is probably what's gonna happen.
• 6:59
  Stacy: This is what, likely what Xander is thinking.
• 7:01
  Stacy: This is what I'm thinking.
• 7:04
  Stacy: And being able to, to slow that down in real time allowed me to respond versus react.
• 7:13
  Ben: Yeah.
• 7:14
  Stacy: You know?
• 7:14
  Stacy: And, and that was incredibly helpful.
• 7:17
  Stacy: The other thing that was so profound is you really were able to coach me and teach me to...
• 7:28
  Stacy: You talk about top of the wheel moments and bottom of the wheel moments, and it's this concept, and correct me if I'm wrong, where sometimes you're gonna have conversations that go sideways or where you're not in agreement, but you have the conversation.
• 7:42
  Stacy: You show up with love,'cause I always wanna show up with love in, or in a conversation with him.
• 7:48
  Stacy: I want to maintain connection.
• 7:49
  Stacy: That's really important.
• 7:51
  Stacy: Those were other things you taught me.
• 7:53
  Stacy: How do you always wanna show up as a parent?
• 7:55
  Stacy: And so if I had a conversation where I showed up as love, where I prioritized connection, and it kinda went south, well, that's okay, because I at least showed up as the type of parent that I want to be.
• 8:12
  Stacy: And by practicing, by getting the reps in, basically, having these conversations and having these moments, all of a sudden with practice and consistency, those bottom of the wheel moments where something went south become a top of the wheel moment because we get better at holding our position of love and connection.
• 8:33
  Stacy: And they can see.
• 8:34
  Stacy: You know, my son could see, oh, wow, you know- this, this was an uncomfortable conversation, but mom was still loving, and she was s- consistent, and she didn't lose her marbles.
• 8:45
  Stacy: And so- We have to put in our time
• 8:49
  Ben: Yeah
• 8:50
  Stacy: And a lot of times as a parent, especially as they're teens, we're physically with them less, right?
• 8:59
  Stacy: They're out at sports, they're at school longer, they're driving.
• 9:02
  Stacy: So when they're home, there was a part of me that always wanted the time together to just be great, so I would sometimes swallow conversations, or I wouldn't say what I really wanted to say, or I wouldn't carry through because I wanted to keep the peace.
• 9:21
  Stacy: But that wasn't helping anybody.
• 9:23
  Stacy: It wasn't helping him grow into the man that I want him to be and that he needs to be.
• 9:28
  Stacy: It wasn't helping me because I was resentful and, like, you know, annoyed with myself, and I know better, right?
• 9:34
  Stacy: I'm a coach.
• 9:35
  Stacy: We have to, we have to do these things, and you made it okay.
• 9:40
  Stacy: And the other thing you said was that it wasn't gonna take that much time.
• 9:45
  Stacy: You know, a couple of these conversations, a couple of the bottom-of-the-wheel moments, they very quickly become top-of-the-wheel moments because of the consistency and the practice for both of us.
• 9:59
  Ben: Yeah.
• 10:00
  Ben: I love that.
• 10:01
  Ben: I think one of the things that sets me apart from a lot of coaches is just how much I'm involved in sports and how big a part of my life that is.
• 10:12
  Ben: And when we have problems in football, for me personally- It's my job as a coach to understand, like, well, what do you understand of your job?
• 10:23
  Ben: Like, first of all, do you understand what you're supposed to do here, your role?
• 10:29
  Ben: And then the other one, like, if you understand it and you still can't get it done, as your coach, I've gotta give you the reps that you can get enough experience under your belt that you can now do that under higher pressure situations.
• 10:43
  Ben: And I think parenting is very similar.
• 10:46
  Ben: Like, if you don't know your role, which is hard because the world would love to tell you who you should be as a parent, or maybe it's your mother-in-law or the neighbors or whatever, but you really have to take the time and define,"No, this is my role.
• 11:02
  Ben: This is how I wanna handle these things." And then the next part is, how can I set myself up to practice this?
• 11:09
  Ben: And most parents make the mistake, they try and change everything at the bottom of the wheel.
• 11:14
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 11:14
  Ben: I'm like,"No, change how you do the easy top of the wheel moments, and that'll trickle down, and you'll start handling the bottom of the wheel moments better." And before you know it, like, it really doesn't take as long as most people think.
• 11:28
  Ben: I, I remember I had one mom I was working with, and she's like,"Well, we'll give..." This is, like, a last-ditch effort.
• 11:35
  Ben: They're gonna send their kid to wilderness therapy.
• 11:38
  Ben: It was, like, tens of thousands of dollars, and I'm like,"Might as well try this." And she was like, within a couple weeks she's like,"I can't believe how much everything has changed."
• 11:49
  Stacy: Mm-hmm.
• 11:50
  Ben: And as a mom, like, this is why I...
• 11:54
  Ben: Like, I could coach dads.
• 11:55
  Ben: I do coach some dads.
• 11:57
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 11:57
  Ben: But my favorite is to coach moms, because you are the catalyst for change.
• 12:03
  Ben: And it's amazing.
• 12:04
  Ben: When you change your life, your teen changes.
• 12:08
  Ben: Like, I've h- heard so many parents be like,"My teen, my teen changed, my spouse changed, my boss changed." Like, yeah, you...
• 12:16
  Ben: People tend to reflect what they get from you, and if you can better intentionally be who you want to be, you're gonna get the better, more intentional version of the people around you, especially a teenage son, so.
• 12:30
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 12:31
  Ben: I love that.
• 12:32
  Ben: One of the things I have in my notes, I remember talking to you about kind of grieving the experience that you kind of envisioned that you would have with your teenager in order to really connect with what really was your experience.
• 12:51
  Ben: Could you talk to us about that?
• 12:53
  Ben: And I'm cheating, by the way.
• 12:54
  Ben: I have my coaching notes right in front of me, so.
• 12:58
  Ben: But do you remember what I'm talking about, and can you talk about it?
• 13:00
  Ben: I
• 13:00
  Stacy: think I do remember.
• 13:02
  Stacy: A- as parents, we can't help but have ideas and visions of how we think certain life stages or certain experiences are going to go.
• 13:16
  Stacy: And i- that's obviously amplified by social media and conversations with friends and expectations from other family members and, you know, all of that.
• 13:28
  Stacy: It all kind of trickles in.
• 13:30
  Stacy: And It doesn't always go that way.
• 13:35
  Stacy: I'd say 99% of the time it doesn't go that way.
• 13:39
  Stacy: And I think where a lot of people get tripped up, myself included, is we stay in this place too long where reality is not meeting the expectation, and we keep trying different things or trying harder, and it only gets us more frustrated, and it only gets our teens more frustrated.
• 14:04
  Stacy: And there's a real humility th- th- that you, or at least that I, I had to come to that moment where I was like,"I, I'm tapped out.
• 14:14
  Stacy: I don't know what to do, and I don't want it to continue this way." And there is grief that comes up because you look at your own you look at yourself and, and you think,"Gosh, where am I not good enough?
• 14:29
  Stacy: Where am I ineffective?" And these are, you know, very natural, and it...
• 14:32
  Stacy: You are good enough.
• 14:33
  Stacy: We just need different skills, and that's totally okay.
• 14:38
  Stacy: Yeah, does that answer that question?
• 14:39
  Stacy: I was trying to think of-
• 14:40
  Ben: Yeah, yeah
• 14:41
  Stacy: something like that.
• 14:41
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 14:42
  Ben: I think one of the important things that you hit on, you talked about when reality is not meeting your expectation.
• 14:48
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 14:50
  Ben: The thing that people miss is that it's so hard to change the external reality.
• 14:58
  Stacy: Mm.
• 14:59
  Ben: And that's usually where we focus on.
• 15:01
  Ben: Like, how do I get my teen to get better grades?
• 15:03
  Ben: How do I get him to not roll his eyes at me?
• 15:05
  Ben: How do I get him to spend more time?
• 15:09
  Ben: It's easier to change a reality by changing your perception of the reality, and if your reality is not meeting your expectations, reality is not the problem, it's the expectations that are the problem.
• 15:22
  Stacy: Yes.
• 15:23
  Ben: And so I completely understand grief.
• 15:26
  Ben: Like, I feel like when my oldest, who's now married, like his senior year in football, three games in, he had a season-ending injury.
• 15:36
  Stacy: Mm.
• 15:36
  Ben: And I, I remember talking to my wife, like,"It feels like someone died." Mm.
• 15:42
  Ben: Like, we are grieving.
• 15:45
  Ben: Like, at the time, he was in the top 10 in tackling stats in the state.
• 15:50
  Ben: Like, he was on a really good upward track, and just really understanding that, okay, reality isn't the problem, it's either my expectations or my attachment to those expectations.
• 16:08
  Ben: And I think with a lot of teenagers, one of the hard parts, and you kinda mentioned this too, if you are overly attached to what you think...
• 16:16
  Ben: or what you think your teen should be or what you think your relationship with your teen should look like, that is going to detach you from connecting with where your teen actually is.
• 16:29
  Ben: And one of the things, for you especially, I feel like when you understood that, you're like,"Oh, I have a teen right here in front of me.
• 16:36
  Ben: Might not look like how I want it to look, but if I can connect there, we can then see how things go." And I tell parents this all the time- You might think your teen wants nothing to do with you, but the truth is they want a connection with you.
• 16:53
  Ben: The hard part is they want you to make that connection.
• 16:58
  Ben: I feel like a lot of times as parents, we fall into this trap where we try and get our teen to change so that, so that they can better connect with us.
• 17:07
  Ben: So I love that you brought that up.
• 17:10
  Ben: Talk to me real quick.
• 17:12
  Ben: So he's 16.
• 17:14
  Ben: You- he's gotta have other friends that are 16.
• 17:17
  Ben: Like- Yeah what are some of the things that you see other parents, like, dealing with with their 16-year-old, and is there anything where you look at your own...
• 17:27
  Ben: Like, I feel like this helps me sometimes.
• 17:29
  Ben: I see what other parents are dealing with, and I'm like,"I'm really grateful for my son." Like,"I'm grateful that he is doing this." Like, do you see any of those pitfalls that other parents are falling into and-
• 17:40
  Stacy: Obviously.
• 17:40
  Stacy: I mean, how can we not, right?
• 17:42
  Stacy: How can you not?
• 17:43
  Stacy: It's, it's the most human thing ever to, to judge and compare.
• 17:48
  Stacy: And I, I- as long as you're aware of, wow, you know, I, I see what this family is dealing with, and my gosh, I have so much compassion, and, you know, I'm gonna say a little prayer for them.
• 18:00
  Stacy: A- and it does make me grateful for, for my son and for- Yes the relationship we have, of course.
• 18:10
  Stacy: It is, it...
• 18:12
  Stacy: We're not bad people, right, when we have the, when we look onto our neighbors, you know, over our neighbors fence kinda thing proverbially.
• 18:18
  Stacy: It's just, it's just how it is.
• 18:20
  Stacy: I think it's, it's comforting because we all...
• 18:24
  Stacy: You know, today I can have that feeling, but tomorrow, who the heck knows?
• 18:27
  Stacy: They're teens.
• 18:28
  Stacy: It, I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow.
• 18:30
  Stacy: Someday my, you know, tomorrow my neighbor could be like-
• 18:32
  Ben: Pick your teen
• 18:33
  Stacy: goodness.
• 18:34
  Stacy: Yeah, exactly.
• 18:35
  Stacy: Wow, I really, my heart goes out to you.
• 18:37
  Stacy: Me too.
• 18:38
  Stacy: So I mean, we have to, we have to laugh through this process because we are all in it together, and we're all doing the best we can.
• 18:47
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 18:48
  Stacy: We really are.
• 18:49
  Ben: Yeah.
• 18:50
  Ben: The reason I ask that question, I feel like a lot of ti- like you've heard the old saying, like, if we all got together, put all of our problems on the same table and we could pick, we'd probably all walk away with our same problems'cause- Yeah we don't understand other people's, and we're comfortable with our own.
• 19:07
  Ben: But the reason I bring that up, a lot of parents, I feel like- They never take the time to truly appreciate what they have with their child.
• 19:17
  Ben: And I feel like, like parenting is hard.
• 19:21
  Ben: It always has been hard.
• 19:22
  Ben: It's supposed to be.
• 19:23
  Ben: It's supposed to challenge you as a parent and help you grow.
• 19:26
  Ben: But I think today with social media and just how vocal people have gotten, which they wouldn't be in the past, sometimes it's easier to see where parents are falling into a trap and easier for you to then be able to experience a higher sense of gratitude of,"Oh, man, I'm glad me and my son have this," or,"I'm glad he's not perfect, but I'm glad we share these values so he's not out, like, robbing the gas station or..." Right.
• 19:58
  Ben: Like, it just helps you better appreciate the individuality of your teen and appreciate what you do have,
• 20:07
  Stacy: What I hear from that is, is taking a moment to be grateful.
• 20:11
  Stacy: So last night was my husband's birthday, and we had a, a beachnic, we call it.
• 20:16
  Stacy: A beach picnic.
• 20:17
  Stacy: And as we're sitting at the table, my daughter said,"Hey, let's go around the table and say our favorite memory with Daddy from this past year and the thing we love, one of the things we love most about him." And first of all, I love that she prompted that.
• 20:32
  Stacy: But what I'm taking from the question or the comment that you just asked is, is that intentional moment to reflect, and you could do it in a journal, you could do it at dinner around the table.
• 20:45
  Stacy: You could do it whenever you wanted to, even when you're in bed at night.
• 20:48
  Stacy: "Wow, I'm really grateful that my son is- is a leader on the field and off of the field, right?
• 20:57
  Stacy: You-
• 20:57
  Ben: Yeah
• 20:58
  Stacy: you're focusing, you're intentionally focusing on the beauty that you see in your child, and it makes such a difference because, yes, w- things could always be different, and we're probably gonna always wish that A would happen or B would happen, but that's not where our power is.
• 21:16
  Stacy: Our, our power and our connection is with appreciating how he's showing up today and what he, who he is today.
• 21:28
  Ben: Yeah.
• 21:28
  Ben: Really good.
• 21:29
  Ben: Yeah.
• 21:29
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 21:29
  Ben: I wanna just take this one level deeper- Mm-hmm so we can just completely blow the lid off this thing.
• 21:35
  Ben: So I love birthdays-
• 21:39
  Stacy: Mm-hmm
• 21:39
  Ben: and I love funerals.
• 21:40
  Stacy: Mm.
• 21:41
  Ben: I love birthdays in the sense that we're celebrating a person or getting to focus on them.
• 21:47
  Ben: We're going out of our way to be, like, nice, to give- Mm-hmm them stuff.
• 21:52
  Ben: And I love funerals.
• 21:53
  Ben: I have always loved funerals, but within this past month, one of my old high school buddies that I haven't seen since high school, actually two brothers, their dad passed away.
• 22:05
  Ben: Mm.
• 22:05
  Ben: And I told my wife, I'm like,"I think we should go to the funeral.
• 22:08
  Ben: I don't know the dad, but these two young men helped keep me on the path.
• 22:14
  Ben: Like, they helped me be who I am today," which is funny'cause they're like,"Oh, you married a good guy.
• 22:20
  Ben: Like, he kept, helped keep us on the path." I'm like,"No, you guys were We probably helped each other." But the beauty of funerals- Everyone has something nice to say about the deceased, and you're just there talking about the best parts, and guess what?
• 22:39
  Ben: They weren't perfect, and yet you are choosing not necessarily to ignore the imperfections, but to move your attention elsewhere.
• 22:48
  Ben: Somewhere, like funerals aren't for the dead person.
• 22:50
  Ben: They're gone.
• 22:51
  Ben: They don't need it.
• 22:52
  Ben: They're for everybody else there, and we shift our attention to the things that help us feel the best about that person because that's the best way that we've found to grieve.
• 23:02
  Ben: And I feel like there's a powerful lesson in that when it comes to parenting teens because you have a choice.
• 23:09
  Ben: Like you said just a second ago, like your teen probably still isn't gonna be perfect.
• 23:13
  Ben: They're gonna do things that you disagree with, but you have the same power that we exercise at funerals and birthday parties that you get to manage, what am I going to focus on?
• 23:26
  Ben: And sure, we don't agree with this, and I wish you'd get better grades or whatever it is, but I'm gonna put my attention to this thing that I truly love about you.
• 23:35
  Ben: And that will help you better connect to your teen than 99% of the things that parents are trying nowadays.
• 23:44
  Ben: Like,"Oh, I gotta get my kid to be- get better grades.
• 23:47
  Ben: I gotta get him into therapy.
• 23:48
  Ben: I gotta get him to talk more." Like, no.
• 23:51
  Ben: You just work on your relationship with your teen, and I promise you, like have that mentality, the funeral and the birthday.
• 23:58
  Ben: Like, how do I wanna see the best in this person?
• 24:01
  Stacy: I'm, I'm with you.
• 24:02
  Stacy: I love funerals, too.
• 24:03
  Stacy: I mean, it's probably...
• 24:04
  Stacy: I, I do a lot of grief coaching and I, I do think funerals bring out the best in people, and it is the, it's the simplest It's the simplest thing that you can say to someone, say to your teen, that makes all the difference because they just want to be acknowledged for who they are.
• 24:25
  Stacy: We all just wanna be acknowledged for who we are.
• 24:28
  Stacy: And how do I know?
• 24:30
  Stacy: I mean, if somebody says,"Thank you, Mommy, for making me breakfast," Ben, that makes my whole day.
• 24:38
  Stacy: I'm like,"Wow, one of my kids just thanked me for m- making their breakfast." I know how I feel inside when something like that happens, so when I can do that for my child, it, it just, it, it brightens up their whole, their whole affect.
• 24:57
  Stacy: And that is a ripple effect.
• 24:58
  Stacy: They're gonna show up, you know, probably a, a step lighter for their practice or walk into their classroom or whatever it is.
• 25:07
  Stacy: And yeah, I focusing on the positive, that's what grows.
• 25:11
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 25:12
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 25:13
  Stacy: Such an opportunity.
• 25:14
  Ben: And I feel like a lot of teens get into trouble because it's hard as a teen.
• 25:19
  Ben: You don't know who you are.
• 25:21
  Ben: And man, if you can start getting people in your life, especially a mom or a dad, to really see you for who you are and be willing to connect with you, imperfections and all.
• 25:33
  Ben: And yeah, a- and the,"Thank you for making breakfast," like, that-
• 25:38
  Stacy: Mm-hmm if you
• 25:39
  Ben: see the impact on your life, like, imagine how much greater...
• 25:42
  Ben: Like, you've already been told thank you a million times, and yet it still has big impact.
• 25:47
  Ben: if your teens.
• 25:48
  Ben: Like, be the change you wanna see.
• 25:50
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 25:51
  Ben: If you enjoyed something, if you wish your teen would do something, find a way to be that towards them.
• 25:57
  Ben: You'll be surprised at how quickly they reflect that to you.
• 26:00
  Stacy: Yeah, totally,'cause they feel that.
• 26:02
  Stacy: They feel that,"Oh, wow, Mom is interested." So one of the things I mentioned, my kid, Z- my son has a, a brain for sports.
• 26:10
  Stacy: One of the things that you encouraged was to, you know, do something, do something together.
• 26:16
  Stacy: And in the beginning, I was like,"Well, really this...
• 26:19
  Stacy: I, I'm not gonna go to football practice with him.
• 26:21
  Stacy: Like, I, I'll play Horse or Pig in the b- you know, in the ba- with the basketball, but, like, this is...
• 26:27
  Stacy: He's not gonna, doesn't really wanna do that." And I tried to find things that I was imperfect at but where we at least there was some shared interest because he's getting the signal that I know Mommy's strength is not playing basketball in the driveway, but wow, she's out here trying.
• 26:46
  Stacy: And they see that.
• 26:48
  Stacy: They get that.
• 26:49
  Stacy: It makes such an impact.
• 26:51
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 26:51
  Stacy: Such an impact.
• 26:53
  Stacy: And honestly- Sure.
• 26:55
  Stacy: I'm not great at it.
• 26:56
  Stacy: That's not the point.
• 26:57
  Stacy: The point is that I'm meeting him where he is, right?
• 27:00
  Stacy: We have this, this saying, I, I was a social worker,"You meet the client where the client is." I'm gonna meet my son where he is, and I'm just gonna show up with love in my heart and aiming to connect, and it will work.
• 27:13
  Stacy: It's not gonna be perfect, but he's gonna get the message.
• 27:17
  Ben: Yeah.
• 27:18
  Ben: And for you to meet your son where he has or where he is, you really have to show up where you are.
• 27:24
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 27:25
  Ben: And I feel like a lot of people think,"Oh, I gotta be perfect," or,"I gotta be better prepared," and it's like, no.
• 27:30
  Ben: Your son isn't perfect.
• 27:32
  Ben: Congratulations, neither are you.
• 27:35
  Ben: That is pretty good common ground to meet someone on.
• 27:38
  Ben: Yeah.
• 27:38
  Ben: And so just meet them where they are as you are.
• 27:41
  Stacy: Totally.
• 27:42
  Stacy: Totally.
• 27:43
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 27:43
  Stacy: And a lot of times it's...
• 27:45
  Stacy: I mean, he- I've mentioned this, he's really big into sports.
• 27:47
  Stacy: I scan the sports highlight, you know, the, the, the headlines overnight, and I always have something to talk about with him at breakfast, and it gets him talking.
• 27:56
  Stacy: Great.
• 27:57
  Ben: Yeah.
• 27:58
  Stacy: It, you know?
• 28:00
  Ben: Yeah.
• 28:00
  Ben: I don't even care about, like, the NBA that much or- Mm-hmm just some of the other sports.
• 28:07
  Ben: I, I really focus on football and not much of the other stuff, but, like, I'll pay attention enough that I can talk to my second oldest who plays basketball and be,"Oh, did you see that last night?" Like- Yeah,
• 28:18
  Stacy: totally.
• 28:19
  Stacy: Yes
• 28:19
  Ben: you just...
• 28:21
  Ben: We talked about values when we worked together.
• 28:23
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 28:24
  Ben: But just understanding your teen's values and then being able to connect.
• 28:28
  Ben: Like, one of my favorite teachings is how do you have values-based connection- Mm-hmm and then how do you start reinforcing some of the things that you want to teach your teen, but with their values rather than your own values.
• 28:40
  Ben: Yeah.
• 28:40
  Ben: But, like, sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.
• 28:43
  Ben: "I know this is important to you.
• 28:45
  Ben: Let me help reinforce things in your life with the things that are important to you."
• 28:50
  Stacy: Mm-hmm.
• 28:51
  Ben: As we wrap this up, is there anything...
• 28:54
  Ben: This is one of my favorite questions to ask people when I interview them, because I'm not the best interviewer, so I just like to ask, is there anything that you wish I would have asked you or anything that you wish you could have shared but I didn't lead you the right way?
• 29:12
  Stacy: The one thing that's coming to mind is Being we, we touched about it, we touched on this, like being, being humble to say,"I don't have all of the answers, and maybe I need a little support in this area." There is nothing...
• 29:30
  Stacy: I mean, we get support in so many areas.
• 29:33
  Stacy: I've never been a parent to teens before.
• 29:35
  Stacy: I, I've definitely never been a parent to, you know, boy, girl, 16-year-olds who are doing their things.
• 29:41
  Stacy: I, I need help, and, and that is okay.
• 29:45
  Stacy: It is okay.
• 29:46
  Stacy: If we make...
• 29:47
  Stacy: If we tell our kids it's okay to ask for help, sometimes we have to, we have to go first, right?
• 29:53
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 29:53
  Stacy: Even around...
• 29:54
  Stacy: And I know parenting can be a very sensitive subject for a lot of people.
• 29:58
  Stacy: There's a lot of inputs and, you know, parents and in-laws and all of that.
• 30:02
  Stacy: Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way and, and reach out to an expert who, who knows what they're talking about.
• 30:10
  Ben: Yeah.
• 30:10
  Stacy: Can be life-changing.
• 30:11
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 30:12
  Ben: Yeah.
• 30:13
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 30:13
  Ben: I agree.
• 30:14
  Ben: And if you are wondering like,"Should I do this?" that's probably a pretty good indicator that, like, your subconscious is pushing you in that direction.
• 30:24
  Ben: And I'll...
• 30:26
  Ben: One of the things that I love telling parents, like, the change you're looking for is probably closer than you realize.
• 30:33
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 30:33
  Ben: And when you can ha- It's like, so I coach our freshman team.
• 30:39
  Ben: Our varsity coach he knows his Xs and Os better than I do, which is kind of humbling because I coached him back when he was a freshman.
• 30:48
  Ben: But whatever.
• 30:49
  Ben: The student has already passed.
• 30:50
  Ben: Sure.
• 30:52
  Ben: But, like, I was trying to fix our offense, and he was able to look at one thing and be like,"Oh, here's your problem." And I was like,"How did I miss that?" Like, what the crap?
• 31:05
  Ben: Sometimes the change you're looking for is way closer, and it'll happen much faster when you finally have someone that can help bring that to your awareness to where you can now act on it.
• 31:17
  Ben: So.
• 31:17
  Ben: Yeah.
• 31:18
  Ben: Yeah.
• 31:18
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 31:18
  Stacy: And then the other thing I guess I would say is as long, w- when, the, the conversation that we had about values-based parenting and how do I wanna show up, in every conversation I make sure I'm showing up with my values, with love, with connection.
• 31:35
  Stacy: And- If I, when I know I'm doing that, it doesn't matter if things go south.
• 31:43
  Stacy: It doesn't matter if it's the best conversation ever.
• 31:46
  Stacy: I can say without any doubt I showed up the way that I wanted to show up.
• 31:52
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 31:52
  Stacy: And sometimes things are gonna go south, and that is okay.
• 31:56
  Ben: Yeah.
• 31:57
  Stacy: It is just okay.
• 31:58
  Ben: Yeah.
• 31:59
  Ben: Yeah, I'm so glad you brought that up because working with me and the work that I do is not to, like, put your parenting on, like, easy street.
• 32:09
  Ben: Like, it is not meant to just make life be this complete easy cakewalk.
• 32:16
  Ben: No.
• 32:17
  Ben: It is meant to help you show up as a parent of a real live teen where some days are gonna be fantastic and you're gonna be like,"What is wrong?" Like,"Who are you and what have you done with my teenager?" But those are gonna be followed by the days when you're like,"Oh my goodness.
• 32:34
  Ben: How, what...
• 32:36
  Ben: Why is everything bad?" Like, that's just how life is.
• 32:40
  Ben: But the truth is when you learn these skills- you become larger than any obstacle that you could face.
• 32:48
  Ben: And I feel like right now most parents in the way that they view themselves and the obstacles in their life, the obstacles are so huge and so insurmountable that they don't know what to do.
• 33:02
  Ben: And if we can flip that, you can start to realize,"Oh, I am bigger than any problem that I have.
• 33:09
  Ben: I am more than capable of taking this on."
• 33:12
  Stacy: Mm-hmm.
• 33:12
  Ben: And it just puts life into perspective, and it helps you better appreciate the times that are fantastic, and it helps you even get into a place of appreciation even when times aren't great.
• 33:23
  Ben: Right.
• 33:23
  Stacy: Totally.
• 33:24
  Stacy: Yes.
• 33:25
  Stacy: I lo- It takes a village to raise, you know, to, to raise kids in this day and age.
• 33:29
  Stacy: I mean, it always has, so- Yeah
• 33:31
  Ben: yes,
• 33:31
  Stacy: I'm so thankful for you.
• 33:33
  Ben: Well, tell us a little bit about the coaching that you do and where people could come find you if they wanted your services.
• 33:42
  Ben: And guys, I would tell you, having been Stacy's coach, like she would show up on the call sometimes and just see things deeper and icier, and I, I, I can vouch for you as a coach.
• 33:55
  Ben: Ah.
• 33:56
  Ben: So tell us a little bit about what you do and how we'd find you.
• 33:59
  Stacy: Thank you.
• 33:59
  Stacy: That means, that means so much coming from you.
• 34:02
  Stacy: Thank you.
• 34:03
  Stacy: It's...
• 34:03
  Stacy: I mentioned it a little bit earlier, the core of what I do is grief work, but the people I work with currently are law enforcement officers and first responders, so fire, military, emergency services, s- very specifically as they are retiring or have retired.
• 34:21
  Stacy: And it's for three...
• 34:22
  Stacy: There's three big things that come up.
• 34:24
  Stacy: One, there's a huge identity shift that comes up- Yeah really with anyone who's retiring, but very specifically this, this group of people.
• 34:35
  Stacy: You know, they wear a uniform.
• 34:37
  Stacy: They've been trained for decades to, you know, carry a weapon or whatever their, their, you know...
• 34:44
  Stacy: It's a hose or with military.
• 34:46
  Stacy: There's so...
• 34:47
  Stacy: There's a lot that needs to Kind of get unpacked and separated as they as they retire.
• 34:55
  Stacy: There also is a hypervigilance and nervous system like recalibration that needs to happen.
• 35:00
  Stacy: Again, they've been trained for decades to be on it, to be constantly scanning, and now they don't need to do that so much- Yeah every day, and there is a, a titration.
• 35:12
  Stacy: There's a process to go through.
• 35:14
  Stacy: And then the last part is, is the grief.
• 35:17
  Stacy: So the grief touches on the separation from the job.
• 35:22
  Stacy: The grief touches on colleagues that they've lost or incidents or calls that went wrong.
• 35:28
  Stacy: I mean, everybody has a call or two or three that they just, you know, they, they hold with them in their heart.
• 35:36
  Stacy: And yeah, that's, that's the work I do.
• 35:40
  Stacy: And the best place to find me is LinkedIn, my name, Stacey Vulak, S-T-A-C-E-Y V-U-L-A-K-H, or I'm on Substack.
• 35:50
  Ben: Okay.
• 35:50
  Ben: And I'll put that on the show notes-
• 35:55
  Stacy: Okay
• 35:55
  Ben: if you know.
• 35:56
  Ben: I'm not on either of those platforms.
• 35:59
  Stacy: Mm-hmm.
• 35:59
  Ben: So I don't know how well I'd be able to link it, but if you'll email me a link to- Yeah those things, I'll make sure it gets put on there.
• 36:06
  Ben: Sure.
• 36:06
  Ben: And I can see how important that would be.
• 36:08
  Ben: We had a sports psychologist come talk to our football team.
• 36:12
  Ben: Just today was her last day, and she talked about how important it is to not have your sport be your main component of your identity.
• 36:24
  Stacy: Mm-hmm.
• 36:24
  Ben: And she talked about the high depression rates and rising suicide rates in student athletes-
• 36:32
  Stacy: Mm-hmm
• 36:32
  Ben: because the problem with a- athletics, like, it comes to an end for most people.
• 36:38
  Stacy: Yes.
• 36:39
  Ben: And if your whole identity is wrapped up in the sport, and for the work that you do, like your career, like, I would imagine, like, law enforcement or being a firefighter or military-
• 36:53
  Stacy: Mm-hmm
• 36:53
  Ben: I- that gives you a bunch of purpose.
• 36:56
  Ben: It is a huge part of your identity, and then when that's gone, like- Yes, yes you gotta start reprogramming the mind to be like,"Well, without that, now who am I?" So- Yes I love that you do that.
• 37:07
  Ben: That's awesome.
• 37:08
  Ben: A-
• 37:08
  Stacy: and to put it into terms where probably most of us can better relate, it's the classic empty nest, right?
• 37:16
  Stacy: When our kids are gone if our whole identity has been being a parent, when they're not there, there's a lot of grief that comes up.
• 37:26
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 37:26
  Stacy: Because now what do I do with my weekends?
• 37:29
  Stacy: What do I do with my after school hours?
• 37:31
  Stacy: What do I do...
• 37:32
  Stacy: Yes, there's a sense of relief.
• 37:33
  Stacy: "Wow, I don't have to go on a, you know, another weekend junket for a tournament," but, like, what do I do in perpetuity?
• 37:40
  Stacy: Yeah.
• 37:41
  Stacy: So my, my simplest advice is to- Understand that these phases will come to an end.
• 37:51
  Stacy: They'll shift, for sure,'cause you'll always be needed as a parent.
• 37:57
  Stacy: But where can you maybe plug into your friends a little bit more?
• 38:02
  Stacy: Where can you have, you know, something that is a separate interest from your children?
• 38:09
  Stacy: It...
• 38:09
  Stacy: I don't care if it's a book club.
• 38:11
  Stacy: I don't care if it's, you know, it's, I don't know, collecting sea glass at the beach.
• 38:16
  Stacy: But, like, you, we, we need...
• 38:18
  Stacy: We hear this advice a lot, but having something that you love to do is so incredibly helpful, at least in the beginning or as you're approaching these empty nest years.
• 38:29
  Stacy: And then, you know, you can, you can sort of work into it and expand from there.
• 38:35
  Stacy: But-
• 38:36
  Ben: Yeah
• 38:36
  Stacy: my, my most basic yet helpful piece of advice.
• 38:42
  Ben: Yeah.
• 38:42
  Ben: I love that.
• 38:43
  Ben: That's beautiful.
• 38:44
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 38:44
  Ben: Well, thank you so much for joining me.
• 38:47
  Ben: You're a fantastic client.
• 38:50
  Ben: My goal is to find more clients like you.
• 38:52
  Ben: So everyone listening- if you are coachable And you're willing to make my job super easy, come find me.
• 39:01
  Stacy: Thank you.
• 39:02
  Stacy: You...
• 39:02
  Stacy: Like I said, you have been so helpful, and you j- you just continue the, the ripple effect of, of our work together continues to have impacts in- Oh in my family.
• 39:14
  Stacy: So thank you so much.
• 39:16
  Ben: Oh, well, thank you.
• 39:16
  Ben: I...
• 39:17
  Ben: Truly a blessing.
• 39:19
  Ben: And those of you listening, if you guys are like,"Man, I c- I can hear in Stacy's words how she's able to just really develop some new parenting skills and up-level her game," you can do the same thing.
• 39:32
  Ben: And I would invite you, one of the easiest places to start, I have a free parent trap quiz, and this is a quiz where I have identified the three most common traps that parents get stuck in.
• 39:45
  Ben: And it...
• 39:46
  Ben: That quiz will take you less than 90 seconds.
• 39:49
  Ben: It will help you see where you're coming from as a parent, and it also comes with, I think it's a four-part mini podcast series where I'm gonna teach you all about the parent traps and how to parent from the inside out.
• 40:05
  Ben: And honestly, if you're even thinking that you might wanna work with me, go check that out because that's gonna give you a lot of foundational knowledge that'll help you hit the ground running when we do start working together.
• 40:17
  Ben: Plus, there's a lot of parents that are like,"Man, that changed everything." So go check it out.
• 40:22
  Ben: It's benpughcoaching.com/quiz.
• 40:28
  Ben: I'm gonna have to go double check that, but I think it's quiz.
• 40:31
  Ben: And also, just a side note, my, I am going to be doing a group coaching cohort coming up soon, and we're going to be talking about boundaries and just making boundaries easy, where you can get your teen to buy into the boundaries and you don't have to fight them.
• 40:51
  Ben: So the best way to learn more about that, go take the free parent trap quiz, 90 seconds or less, benpughcoaching.com/quiz.
• 41:00
  Ben: All right, Stacy, thank you for being here, and let's stay in touch.
• 41:05
  Stacy: Absolutely.
• 41:06
  Stacy: Thanks for having me, Ben.
• 41:07
  Stacy: My pleasure