Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1254 - The Subtle Art of Slowing Down (or Why Doing Less Can Bring You Closer)

Transcript

#1254 - The Subtle Art of Slowing Down (or Why Doing Less Can Bring You Closer) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: The subtle art of not going to fast. That is
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  Speaker 1: what we're talking about today. Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast,
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  Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions every single day on Australia's most downloaded
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  Speaker 1: parenting podcast, where Justin and Kylie Coulson and every Friday,
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  Speaker 1: so I'll do Better Tomorrow, we analyze the week that was.
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  Speaker 1: We have a look at what's working and what isn't
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  Speaker 1: and how we can be better parents. Kylie, a couple
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  Speaker 1: of things that I'm going to share today before we
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  Speaker 1: step into you and your insights and the way that
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  Speaker 1: you want to be better tomorrow. First one that I
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  Speaker 1: want to share is just the delight, the joy that
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  Speaker 1: I get from traveling around the country and giving talks.
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  Speaker 1: Over the last few weeks, I have been literally NonStop.
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  Speaker 1: I've been in almost every single state of the country
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  Speaker 1: giving talks and it has just been such a joy,
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  Speaker 1: such a delight. You and I went out on Friday
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  Speaker 1: night last week. We were in Melbourne for a foster
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  Speaker 1: care group called Key Assets. They were having their gala dinner.
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  Speaker 1: We got dressed up. You were wearing your ballfrock. You
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  Speaker 1: looked fabulous. I was wearing my suit and tie and
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  Speaker 1: being able to stand in front of a room of
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  Speaker 1: foster care as people who have not only raised their
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  Speaker 1: own children, but they're stepping in and supporting, they're giving
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  Speaker 1: their hearts and their homes to kids who don't have
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  Speaker 1: a safe place to be.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a gift of stability, connection, oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 2: and safety that they in most cases haven't experienced before.
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  Speaker 1: And the extraordinary privilege that it is for me to
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  Speaker 1: stand up in front of that audience and given after
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  Speaker 1: dinner a keynote for twenty or thirty minutes. It's one
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  Speaker 1: of those things where I stand up I think I
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  Speaker 1: don't have anything to tell you. Your people are incredible.
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  Speaker 1: You're amazing for what you do. Like, truly, genuinely, in
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  Speaker 1: my heart of hearts, I'm astonished at what they do.
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  Speaker 1: And yet when I give my talk and they come
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  Speaker 1: up and say that was incredible. We needed that. The
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  Speaker 1: chair of the board literally leaned over and said, that
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  Speaker 1: was such a gift. You're a gifted speaker. Thank you
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  Speaker 1: for giving us what you gave us. And you sit
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  Speaker 1: there and go, oh my goodness, this is I'm the
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  Speaker 1: one that should be thanking them. I walk out of
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  Speaker 1: a night like that and think I want to be
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  Speaker 1: better because of the great job that you guys do.
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  Speaker 2: They interviewed a couple of the parents in the room.
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  Speaker 2: There was one woman who has been doing foster care
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  Speaker 2: now for twenty two years, with one hundred and three
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  Speaker 2: children who've come through her doors.
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  Speaker 1: I can what an impact.
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  Speaker 2: Just crazy. She was diagnosed with cancer three years ago
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  Speaker 2: and thankfully at this point she's in remission and she's
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  Speaker 2: doing fine. But just understanding their stories. I looked in
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  Speaker 2: that room and so many of those families would be
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  Speaker 2: doing life tough, like it's not like it's easy street
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  Speaker 2: for them, and yet they're opening their doors and their
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  Speaker 2: hearts to bless a less fortunate child. Like it just
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  Speaker 2: blows my mind.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely amazing. Hey, I just want to also mention
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  Speaker 1: so much travel and so many talks. This week. I
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  Speaker 1: was at Padua and Mount Albernier Colleges in the north
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  Speaker 1: of Brisbane on Monday night and Tuesday night I was
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  Speaker 1: at Nambor Christian College and on Wednesday I hung out
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  Speaker 1: at King's Christian Last couple of days I've been working
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  Speaker 1: on my book. I had a little bit of a
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  Speaker 1: space in my diary. But next week I take off
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  Speaker 1: on Sunday and next week I'm in Western Australia all week.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to be at christ Church Grammar on Monday,
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  Speaker 1: at Cottislow Primary on Tuesday. On Wednesday I'm at PLC
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  Speaker 1: and Perth, and on Thursday I'm doing a whole lot
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  Speaker 1: of stuff with Catholic school parents. W Way, what a
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  Speaker 1: privilege again to be able to do it. I just love,
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  Speaker 1: love what I get to do. And today, instead of
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  Speaker 1: talking about all the usual stuff, just a really quick
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  Speaker 1: i'll do better tomorrow. For me, it's a really simple one.
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  Speaker 1: On Sunday night, we had our family together. We had
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  Speaker 1: a lovely barbecue. You made an incredible salad. I cooked
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  Speaker 1: some meat on the grill, and then after dinner, we
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  Speaker 1: just jumped in the car and drove down to the
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  Speaker 1: beach and walked along the esplanade and I don't know
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  Speaker 1: how long we were there, maybe forty minutes, maybe an hour,
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  Speaker 1: and I completely fell in love with my family and
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  Speaker 1: being outdoors and just that it's something that we don't
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  Speaker 1: do that often, slowing down, dropping the agenda, the dishes
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  Speaker 1: can wait, Let's just go for a walk. And it
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  Speaker 1: felt so good. That's literally my i'lder be it tomorrow,
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  Speaker 1: Like I said, the subtle art of taking everything off
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  Speaker 1: the schedule and just spending time with the kids, meaningful conversations, connections, insights, questions,
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  Speaker 1: What a delight.
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  Speaker 2: It's pretty magical when you just get the temperature right
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  Speaker 2: and the atmosphere and the kids are all happy and
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  Speaker 2: you get to enjoy that time together.
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  Speaker 1: Take her message, Sometimes it's really nice to let go
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  Speaker 1: of the schedule, let go of the agenda, and just
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  Speaker 1: be outside in one another's company. That's kind of all
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  Speaker 1: you're really need and want. Kylie, what about you? What's
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  Speaker 1: your older bedit tomorrow? For today's podcast.
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  Speaker 2: Episode, Mine's probably an extension of your Sunday night walk
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  Speaker 2: along the Beach. I was having a chat with our
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  Speaker 2: eldest daughter and we were just discussing some of the
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  Speaker 2: challenges in both of our lives right now, and she
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  Speaker 2: just shared the most beautiful thought with me, and she said,
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  Speaker 2: I can have a falling out with my sisters, I
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  Speaker 2: can have a falling out with my friends, but the
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  Speaker 2: idea that I would lose the relationship that I have
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  Speaker 2: with you as my mom, and she got really emotional
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  Speaker 2: and she just said, I couldn't live without you.
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  Speaker 1: Well, and I've that's better than a birthday and a
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  Speaker 1: Thursday and the Christmas present all at Lin's, isn't it.
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  Speaker 2: What was so beautiful about that is our shared journey
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  Speaker 2: together has not been perfect. We've had some really really
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  Speaker 2: challenging times and moments where I actually wondered whether I
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  Speaker 2: would ever get her back. And to be able to
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  Speaker 2: sit together on the grass overlooking the water and for
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  Speaker 2: her to share how deeply she feels grateful for the
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  Speaker 2: relationship that we share was just so profoundly touching and moving,
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  Speaker 2: and I feel so privileged. I feel so privileged to
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  Speaker 2: have her in my life, but not only her five sisters,
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  Speaker 2: and for the amazing human beings that each of these
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  Speaker 2: girls are growing into, and the lessons that they teach me,
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  Speaker 2: and the way in which they elevate me and my
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  Speaker 2: thinking and my desire to be a better person for them.
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  Speaker 1: It reminds me of the thing that I've said all
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  Speaker 1: the way along, and that is our children biologically wired
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  Speaker 1: to connect with us. They just they want to have happy, healthy,
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  Speaker 1: strong relationships with us. We've just got to make sure
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  Speaker 1: we don't get in the way of that. We've got
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  Speaker 1: to support them to be who they are so that
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  Speaker 1: they can savor being with us.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it goes a little bit deeper, though.
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  Speaker 2: There is going to come a time, I'm anticipating it
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  Speaker 2: where she's going to remember a conversation that we had
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  Speaker 2: or an interaction that we had that really hurt, and
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  Speaker 2: there's going to come a time when she's going to
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  Speaker 2: want to reconcile the emotions around that or you know,
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  Speaker 2: kind of her feelings with it all. And it's so
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  Speaker 2: easy in those moments as a parent to become really
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  Speaker 2: defensive and to justify our actions or to tell her
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  Speaker 2: that she got it wrong, that it wasn't like that,
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  Speaker 2: or she has no idea what it's like to be
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  Speaker 2: a mum, or whatever it is. And yet what I've
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  Speaker 2: learned throughout my life experience is that in those moments
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  Speaker 2: are the moments where not only do I need to
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  Speaker 2: offer myself grace and recognize that I did the best
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  Speaker 2: I could with what I had but it still wasn't enough,
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  Speaker 2: but acknowledge that her experience is hers, and the only
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  Speaker 2: thing I have to offer her is not only an
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  Speaker 2: acknowledgment that I got it wrong, but a request for
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  Speaker 2: her forgiveness that she can recognize and know that in
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  Speaker 2: spite of my shortcomings that I love her.
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  Speaker 1: Dearly, Yeah, more than any of those mistakes. Yeah. I
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  Speaker 1: don't remember who said it, but there's a very famous
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  Speaker 1: quote that basically says, as a parent, it's guaranteed you're
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  Speaker 1: going to stuff your kids totally. You can't not. So
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  Speaker 1: what really matters is that that you recognize that you will,
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  Speaker 1: and then you do the best that you can to
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  Speaker 1: make up for it and to develop the relationship in
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  Speaker 1: spite of it, and to teach your children that it
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  Speaker 1: is human to make those kinds of mistakes. Incidentally, know
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  Speaker 1: about that daughter and the cherishing, the relishing, the delight
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  Speaker 1: that we find in the relationship that we have together.
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  Speaker 1: Got a text message from her the other day which
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  Speaker 1: totally cracked me up. So my fiftieth birthday coming up
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  Speaker 1: later this year, we're going to take the entire family
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  Speaker 1: away for a couple of days and we're going to
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  Speaker 1: do a four day bike ride about one hundred and
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  Speaker 1: fifty hundred and sixty k's on a disused rail trail,
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  Speaker 1: Like lots of people go and ride bikes along these
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  Speaker 1: rail trails and there's accommodation and you can go camping
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  Speaker 1: or whatever, and we're going to do one of these
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  Speaker 1: rail trails for about one hundred and fifty k's the
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  Speaker 1: whole family, and I've been saying to all of them,
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  Speaker 1: even though it's not until the end of the year,
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  Speaker 1: you really need to get used to sitting on a bike,
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  Speaker 1: because if you hadn't, haven't sat on a bike for
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  Speaker 1: a while, and then you sit on a bike for
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  Speaker 1: an hour, hour and a half, two hours, four hours
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  Speaker 1: in a day, the next day when you sit on
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  Speaker 1: that saddle, you're not going to be able to touch it.
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  Speaker 1: You're going to have to ride for two or three
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  Speaker 1: or four hours standing up because your bum's going to
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  Speaker 1: be so sore. She sent us a text on Monday
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  Speaker 1: for those of you who have not sat on a bike,
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  Speaker 1: you might want to look at starting Indian. I just
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  Speaker 1: did about fifteen kilometers and my butt is very, very sore.
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  Speaker 1: So four days on a bike. You want to make
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  Speaker 1: sure that those relationships are okay and that whatever forgiveness
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  Speaker 1: needed to be offered has been done, because otherwise there's
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  Speaker 1: going to be a whole lot of hate and a
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  Speaker 1: whole lot of misery and complaining. Is that a good
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  Speaker 1: birthday present? I think it's a great birthday present. I'm
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  Speaker 1: not sure if the family is going to have the
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  Speaker 1: fond memories that I'm hoping for. Have we made a mistake?
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  Speaker 1: We will find out, Yes, we will. That's going to
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  Speaker 1: be a fun I'll do better tomorrow. I can't wait
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  Speaker 1: to report on that one. That'll be right at the
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  Speaker 1: end of the year. We'll fill you in anyway. Thanks
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  Speaker 1: so much for listening. I hope that you've really enjoyed
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  Speaker 1: what we're doing on the Happy Families podcast and the
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  Speaker 1: way that it's designed to help your family to thrive.
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  Speaker 1: Have a great weekend, and hopefully these ideas will help
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  Speaker 1: you to do better tomorrow. The Happy Families podcast is
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. If you like
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: more info and more resources for supporting your family and
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: helping your family to be happier, check out my book
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: The Parenting Revolution, the most important parenting book that I
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: can think of to recommend for you. You'll find that
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: and a whole lot of other resources at happy families
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au.