Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #33: Survey Reveals What Parents of Struggling Adult Children Worry About Most

Transcript

#33: Survey Reveals What Parents of Struggling Adult Children Worry About Most · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: What's really holding your adult child back from becoming productive, purposeful, responsible, confident, and independent?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I presented a survey to a large group of parents and asked them to tell me what they think is going on with their kids who are struggling, and what I discovered was very interesting.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Their answers revealed clear patterns.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And in today's episode, I'll be sharing those results, and in the end, I will offer you a resource that could be the catalyst to change.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast that offers parenting tips for raising adult children and building better relationships with them.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Before we dive into what parents reported, let me give you a snapshot of the demographic that we're talking about from the survey, just to make sure we're all on the same page.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Their young adults are roughly between the ages of 18 and 26, although some are well into their 30s.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: The majority are living at home and all have been struggling for years.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: A portion have been diagnosed with challenges like ADHD, depression, or anxiety, while others have not been formally diagnosed.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And while most parents said substance abuse wasn't a major issue, some mentioned cannabis, vaping, or drinking as part of the problem.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Keep in mind though that if your son or daughter is dealing with a serious mental health issue or has an addiction of any type, you must attend to that first.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: The survey had three parts what parents think their kids are struggling with, what worries and frustrates them the most, and what they believe are the real obstacles getting in the way of their young adults moving forward.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Each section had multiple responses, since, as you know, it never is just one thing.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with when I asked parents what their kids' biggest challenges are.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: There were three top contenders.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: One was lack of self-confidence, and confidence is the foundation for everything.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Without it, your adult child may never believe they're capable of doing anything, not even landing a job.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: The second was the inability to set goals and think about their future.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Many parents said their adult children don't know what they want to do, or they start things but don't finish them.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: This often shows up as avoidance of responsibilities or jumping from one idea to the next without any clear plan.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I believe this has to do with everything always being done for them.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: When you don't worry about paying for bills or where your next meal is coming from, there's no sense of urgency.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And the third was lack of motivation.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, their kids don't seem to want to do anything.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the truth, and it might not make sense at first.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: But according to research, and there's been a lot of it, action precedes motivation.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Think of it like this you will never feel ready to do something that is hard.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you wait around hoping for motivation to just show up and push you to do something, you could be waiting forever.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: The secret, the trick, the key to overcoming lack of motivation is just doing it.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's the Nike logo.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Just do it.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Action comes before motivation.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever made a decision to do something?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say get into shape.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's the goal.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: But you don't really want to go to the gym or do your 10,000 steps, yet you do it.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: After a while, the repeated action develops into motivation because you see the results.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're also creating a habit.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how often I'll say to myself, I don't want to work out today.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you know how I handle that thought?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I say, shut up and go.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing with work, same thing with buying groceries.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the day we do things we don't want to do, but we do them anyway, and then we reap the benefits.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the cycle.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to stop expecting that their motivation will just appear.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: They just need to take action.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another example.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: You clean your house, let's say every week, but do you really want to?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you really that motivated to do another load of laundry to wash the floors?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: But you do it.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: You take action because you know how good it will feel once your house is clean, or to have that leaner body, or to earn more money.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: The feeling at the end becomes your motivation.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I just want you to understand that taking action, doing something, is what you should be focusing on with them.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the last major struggle parents reported was their young adults' refusal to take on responsibility, which now you know is an action.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: These kids don't want to do anything, whether it's not working or doing the chores.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And why?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because they know that someone else will handle it, and there will be no consequences if they don't.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the other issues included managing time, handling money, and not making an effort to see people.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, these aren't just surface problems, they're signs that your adult child is missing core life skills.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if they're not taught or they don't come naturally, these skills won't magically develop on their own.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: They need help.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: What frustrates and worries parents the most?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: This was the part in the survey where I asked parents how they feel.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And without a doubt, frustration and worry was a universal theme.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Over and over, parents said things like, They won't listen to me.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing I say matters.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I can't get them to do anything.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Parents feel powerless.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're operating from a place of fear, guilt, and exhaustion.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Another common frustration was they rely on me to do everything.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's an old habit which parents can't seem to shake.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: When our kids are small, we did everything for them.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: But at some point, we're supposed to stop doing it all and let them take over.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you dressing them still, tying their shoelaces?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Of course not.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: So why are you preparing their meals and folding their laundry?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Is there really a difference?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Parents are frustrated because they know that they are doing for their adult child what their adult child can easily do for themselves.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know I'm repeating myself, but I have to say this again.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I am only referring to young adults without any mental or physical disabilities.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Another issue that parents worry about is isolation, which I touched on a minute ago.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Many share that their young adults prefer to be alone and they avoid social interaction altogether.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't just about being introverted.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Introverts still socialize, they just do it with fewer people around.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is a sign of deeper issues, where they withdraw from the world.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: They might be depressed, struggle with social anxiety, have low self-esteem, and fear being rejected by people.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Watching your adult child retreat from the world can be one of the most worrisome feelings for a parent.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to know how damaging it is for your kid to always stay in their room, listen to episode 22.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps the hardest response for me to read, but certainly explains a big part of this problem was this we are not connecting.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: When a parent says, My kid doesn't want to spend time with me, what they're really saying is, I feel rejected, I feel hurt, I feel shut out of their world.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: That disconnection runs deep.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And for many families, it's the heart of the struggle.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And the third part was when I asked parents what they believed were the real obstacles for their adult kids.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: The most common one, the parents reported, was their adult child's lack of interest in changing their lifestyle.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: They seem to be content, living their lives without purpose, just coasting along.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it doesn't matter whether we're working on the family farm, volunteering at a senior home, or serving at a local coffee shop.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's about creating a life that has meaning rather than just sitting around and biding your time.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Parents also said their young adult can't cope with pressure, deadlines, and expectations.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's because they have no experience with any of it.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: So even just the minor things overwhelm them.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: When something feels hard, they retreat.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: When there's rejection, they quit.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: When things pile up, they shut down.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Kids learn how to problem solve and overcome adversity when they are participating in the world rather than just sitting on the sidelines or in their room.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when there's lack of direction, many parents stated that their adult child doesn't seem to know what they want to do with their life.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it appears as if they don't even think about it.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: So no desire means no direction.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, this life in limbo turns into complete stagnation, full stop.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Recently, I posted a video on social media talking about young adults who are hanging out at home, doing nothing with their lives.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And although there are many reasons why these kids are living this limbo lifestyle, there was this one explanation that parents online came up with quite frequently.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before I tell you what that is, I want to say again, when it comes to young adults who are on the spectrum, we must give them grace.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: They are working with a different operating system, as my guest Anita Allen with three neurodivergent kids so eloquently put it in episode 26.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, the reason that some parents on social media were getting so, I'll say defensive about their kids at home was because there are no jobs.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: These parents did not mention any of the other reasons that I got from the survey.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: They said the shitty economy, capitalism, boomers, and the many injustices of the world were to blame.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently, if their kids could land a job, that would solve everything.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Which got me thinking, we all know that it's not easy out there.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: We're reading about it in the news, we're hearing about it from our coworkers, friends, and family, and these young adults keep saying they're trying.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I wonder, if there was no roof over their head, no food in their fridge, no money for their cell phones, do you think they would make it their job every single day to find a job or do something with all their free time?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: It is hard to find work.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And applying to a dozen jobs and getting rejected or worse, ignored is very disheartening.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: But you can't just do nothing.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here's something you should know about me.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever I'm faced with a problem, something that troubles me, my mind can't help but search for a solution because there has to be one.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I thought, let me help these young adults out.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get them up every morning with a game plan and a goal, and that is to not stop looking until they find or discover something to do.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Teaching our kids that rejection and perseverance are part of life is something many of these kids are not used to, in part because we've been overprotecting them from it for so long.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Young adults need to learn how to pivot if something they're trying isn't working.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: They need to look for another type of job in another field, one outside their immediate neighborhood, one that is not listed on a job site where everyone else is looking.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if nothing is happening, take an online course to learn a new skill or volunteer somewhere to add new experiences to your resume.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ever stop looking, don't ever stop learning, and never give up on your goal.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: The reason why this is so important is because if your young adult finds something to do that keeps their mind occupied, their body active, their days full, their lives more social, many of these issues we discussed here could disappear, and you would find a very different adult living in your home.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: If this is your first time here, you should know that to help you solve your adult child's current situation, I have a course that I've created for parents like yourself that helps you with all the important issues that your young adults are struggling with.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: It covers everything from communication, connection, motivation, setting goals, becoming responsible, developing confidence, and many more life skills.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: One of the tools I offer helps young adults to find something meaningful to do with their time.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's a small workbook that guides them through this process.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I've decided to offer it separately for parents who can't wait for the course or who might not even do it.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can read more about it if you click on the link in the show notes.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's the solution that I came up with to solve that one problem.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it does more than just help them find something to do with their time.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before we wrap up, I want to share what I believe was the most heartfelt response of the entire assessment.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I asked parents to imagine a moment of pure possibility to wave a magic wand as if a fairy godmother was granting them one wish for their adult child.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what they asked for?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Not money, not accolades, not a big career.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: They wanted their adult child to become motivated, confident, independent, and capable of functioning in the world.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not a single parent said, I want them to make me proud.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: What I read was, I want them to be happy.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to believe in themselves.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Deep down inside, every parent knows that their adult child who is hiding in their bedroom, disconnected and stuck, is not doing well.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: And they worry about that every single day.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: One parent wrote, I want to feel like if I died tomorrow, they'd be okay.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that sentiment alone should be your motivation, your goal for helping your kid.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we are gone, we will rest in peace, knowing that our adult children can not only take care of themselves, but live a full and meaningful life, which is exactly what we're working towards here.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.